Yeah, reconnection is a good term. Actually I experienced similar yet very different stuff in the honeymoon phase of dissociatives (before I became addicted to them, which was very destructive somehow, yet also involved opioids - I still feel dissociatives as something with great potential for therapeutic effects - just like any powerful tool they deserve great caution as well). This was actually what I consider the best time of my life so far, and lasted for longer than you'd think - several years of only sporadic use - then I caught a weird reaction to weird stuff which was supposed to be methoxetamine but wasn't (happened soon after they banned MXE. Once again shows that bans just fail.) and my first and long term gf abandoned me from one day to the other - then I turned into daily use and when I realized that I'll be sooner or later left out alone when the authorities decide to ban the arylcyclohexylamines what they eventually did back in Switzerland, I visited the local addiction counseling center and got into methadone maintenance (first bupe, then metha, then morphine). I can't decouple it but if you ask me the opioids did greater harm than the dissociatives would have, Besides these weird and tragic toxicity we see currently with illicit ketamine, there isn't so much actual danger and I found dissociatives alone to be self-regulating, they become too weird and out of it when used continuously so I never slipped into dangerous use until the opioids numbed my mind. Also did some really bad decisions while on opioids, sth I never did with dissos alone. But of course the odds are against me.
I think I would rather be addicted to dissociatives than opioids but am very glad to not be addicted to either. Aside from things like the unpredictable bladder damage potentials of arylcyclohexylamines, dissociatives do seem relatively benign in general, but yeah, push too far and you'll definitely go crazy. It's why they make such great study drugs as you referenced below.
I also think that dissociatives have a lot of potential to do good, and I do see the comparisons to psychedelics too, though over time I've come to think that their most useful aspects for me at least are different than the things that make psychedelics seem useful to me. My favorite dissociatives are the ones that feel to me like they're therapeutic in a similar way to using alcohol in a social setting but with everything about dissociatives that makes them far better than alcohol, though I barely ever actually got to use those; most of the time my options were DXM, mematine, and nitrous oxide, the last of which does hold a special place in my heart in its own way, though I don't really use it anymore either and did feel like I was pushing it sometimes, though certainly not compared to some people I knew who were using it heavily.
Eventually I developed schizophrenia mimetic symptoms, most pronounced a weird ass phenomenon I can only describe as a second stream of thought in my own head - unlike what real schizos experience, did I always know that stuff wasn't real and originating from wherever I wanted to believe but for sure not some person hiding, tl;dr no paranoia present so not fulfilling schizo. There's a bunch of qualified papers out there which state dissociatives are mimicking schizophrenia and their use leads to it, this was mostly based on PCP and I'd say to be experienced enough to seriously doubt anything more than superficial similarities. But, of course, it is worrying and contributed to me ceasing RCs altogether for longer. With the exception of some 1cP-LSD I got offered in the tail end of my disso use and there was no potentiation or trigger of psychotic features at all, not more than a similar dose under similar circumstances would have had before. Specifically not more, if anyhing then less of the symptoms I had, and crisp, very complex and colorful visuals. Upon cessation of disso use the psychosis subsided to a residual level and stepped down more when I reduced the morphine. Can't help me but believing that opioids were a crucial factor for me developing this weird shit.
Yeah, there's always going to be a risk that psychedelics might bring some craziness out of you if it's there, but in my experience it's a lot less than you would expect just based on superficial impressions. ("Oh, it's a hallucinogen, surely it must make other types of hallucinations stronger?" Not necessarily....) It's really just about making sure that even when you're tripping, you're still in a good headspace that will allow you to avoid whatever it is you need to avoid going down a psychotic path again, just like when sober. What you've had certainly doesn't sound overly heavy but I understand the worry, and honestly, I'd say it's a risk that everyone should keep in mind when experimenting with hallucinogens because I don't really think anyone is entirely immune to having a psychotic break of some kind depending on where they are in life and you can really push your mind in some heavy ways with these chemicals, but having some experience in that area to have built your perspective from will help, and like I said, basically, just chill, ground as you normally would, and respect the limits you've recognized in yourself, even while allowing yourself to push further. And, of course, if you ever actually
do think you're developing a more severe psychotic condition, don't put off talking to people about it just because you're using psychedelics and you think you should be fine, as that's an important part of respecting those limits too.
I've never been a huge user of opioids personally, but I actually do find them kind of trippy myself, and I've noticed (anecdotally) that a lot, like a LOT, of older people, actually hallucinate like fucking crazy with eyes wide open rambling delirious nonsense when they're given them, especially in a hospital setting. I'm pretty sure thinking of opioids as basically just addictive painkillers is dramatically underselling what it is they actually do to the brain and mind. It really wouldn't surprise me if they contributed to what you went through either, though of course I don't know.
I'm still not fully away from opioids, less cause of withdrawal than just pain of existence, and the S/NRIs pooped out long ago, I'm just taking 20-40mg fluoxetine every other day because I'm addicted to it or better my body is. I don't get any benefits besides a pretty dirty stimulation when I take 60mg at once (this is unrelated to the SSRI effect and stems from 5ht2c antagonism probably).. the SSRI use made tripping on shrooms impossible, I was very surprised by the LSD unveiling its full beauty despite the antidepressant so I have good hopes for DMT also not to care abut this and potentially even helping to regenerate natural serotonergic activity. Either the SSRIs or then my combined abuse of serotonergic substances (mostly DXM, but also MXE is a serotonergic and DCK probably as well) have caused my neurons to switch to a level of tolerance to 5-HT which makes quitting unbearable but as antidepressants are said to work through neurogenesis and psychedelics induce a shitload of growth factors and new connections between neurons, so who knows, maybe it helps. The LSD took like 3-4h for full effects, dunno whether this is normal or the result of some repair being done. I felt pretty content and alive afterwards but was in such a bad situation in RL that I didn't get lasting benefits (which I suspect to come more from the switches in life and lifestyle, habits in mind and real world, etc than from some 'magic' of the psy'delics - the magic is the trip itself, which is only a reflection of yourself I guess, as psy'delics are nothing more than a key which presses 5ht2a in the brain..
I hope you can find the relief you're looking for in one way or another soon. SSRIs definitely do tend to decrease the effects of a lot of psychedelics, though I've also heard of people getting full effects from DMT while being on them. Kind of the thing about DMT is with smoking it (and I assume you know not to take it orally while on a SSRI due to the MAOI interaction?) is that one of the main goals people tend to have is just to smoke however much it takes to find the dosage that really gets them to the point where something that really stands out happens which varies from one person to the next, so even if you need more than the average person from your medicine, you can probably just keep trying the way most people would and find something that works eventually, and it's powerful enough that it's still likely going to be pretty wild if you hit that point. Of course pay attention to how you react overall if you do feel the need to push it though, because it does have an effect on your body too, even if a generally safe one.
Durations are kind of an odd thing with psychedelics. LSD can kick in really fast if you take enough, I'm talking within minutes, but pretty much no matter how much you take, there's going to be a shift in activity around three or four hours in where some of the madness and chaotic energy that was present up to that point clears, and suddenly you can relax into the more fully peaked psychedelic experience. With smoked DMT, you're going to know pretty quickly whether it's working or not, and if you need to use more, and luckily, you won't have to wait long to try again at relatively full strength either.
Yeah, that is a very important aspect of this to keep in mind: you don't just take the drug and magically become free of depression and anxiety forever. In fact, there's no such thing as being entirely free of depression and anxiety forever, there's just figuring out how to keep it at bay enough that you don't actually call it by those names and consider it a disorder. Bad feelings are a good thing, as long as they don't dominate your life; psychedelics tend to help me balance out that aspect of it, personally, and learn how to do it in a way that actually does make some of benefits start to really stick after a while.
Began reading the book from this doc who conducted clinical studies with DMT and voluntary probands. The most remarkable facts maybe are that not a single negative or 'bad' experience happened when the people felt safe b/c of doctors around and the drug being legal and pure (many were already experienced with other psychedelics though). And that the doc had to accept that he couldn't explain nothing of the trip, of which the majority of people said it felt more real than the real life - this is what I lack, a feeling for the joy of life, it's just a boring stupid dull copy of a copy and the only real thing is the pain of existence. Ok, that's an oversimplification.
I can relate. That's why I like a little reconnection when I can get it.
What just caught my attention: Can you explain more about said guiltyness for tripping? I got this too, with psychedelics and weed, with dissociatives sometimes after they had worn off but in a different sense. What's that? Would it also happen when there wasn't this social stigma around drug use and the fact that most have only limited possibilities to share and speak about their experiences in real life, etc.
Have you ever discovered that you have a kink that you wished you didn't? Your avatar makes me suspect that answer is probably yes.
Tripping is punishment. You get what you asked for, and if you push it, you're really going to get it. But you'll like it anyway because you're a freak.
Sorry for wall of text, I'm distracting myself with writing maybe.
Only person I know in RL who also interested in psychedelics says that DMT cured her suicidality one and for all. times so far (one if not multiple years). Stopped habitually using other drugs too.
Still, the little devil inside my head tells me that I don't really wanna know what DMT will show me and that I'll regret having taken it....
The devils inside us know a lot more than we give them credit for. Changing your worldview radically doesn't mean coming out the other side as relatively the same person. It's simply a choice whether you think the before or after state seems preferable based on what you can observe in others.
