Hopeless Desperate and suffering from serious depression

[Oxygod126]

Hey guys & girls,

I am suffering and sinking a little more as each day goes by. It’s crazy that people are freaking out and going crazy during these last couple months, but for me it’s as if it’s just another day.

I have been in two serious car accidents the last 2 years, (both as a passenger.) the first one I was in a Lyft when my driver tried to go through a yellow light and got t-boned. The second one was about a year later and I was in a taxi in Vegas when we got crushed. I’ve had back problems prior to the accidents due to playing basketball for awhile, but the accidents resulted in me having 2 back surgeries thus far, and scheduled for a third, but can’t do it until the pandemic is under control. I also have stage 3 ckd about to go to stage 4. Because of my ckd and autoimmune disease I’m like 3x more likely to get coronavirus.

so with all my health problems, I am also not getting along with my mom and brother AT ALL, who I live with. I feel bad about having some pretty serious domestics with my family, but at the same time they both just team up against me and kick me when I’m down. Even though my drs validate my back problems, and I have imaging like mri and xrays that prove my back is destroyed they still think I’m making it up to get pain medication, which kills me that they don’t believe me. My brother is really just a pos, and even though I haven’t got along with him in a year barley speaking to him even though we live together, I still love him. I mean, he’s my brother, my only sibling. My mom and I have got into some nasty arguments lately, but when I have time to cool off I think she is my mom and she really took care of me well while recovering from my first surgery, which was a fucking brutal rehab.

our family really was never the same when my dad passed in 2015. I was very close with him, and miss him dearly every day, where as my brother is very close with my mom.

I told my nephrologist that if my kidneys get to the point where I need dialysis then I would reject treatment. Well apparently that day is coming very soon. I told her it’s either a kidney, or it’s game over for me. Honestly, even if I got a new kidney I don’t even know if I would take it since I’m in horrible debilitating pain from my back every day. I would rather just give it to some kid who has a chance at a full life.

So besides all my shitty health problems, I am dead broke, can’t pay my bills, and am super stressed out every day. I am however fortunate that I have a roof over my head, and food in the fridge. I just couldn’t ask my mom or brother for some money, I’d rather die. They would probably help me out, but they are the type of people that will hold it over your head for YEARS!

since I probably don’t have much time left in my life anyways, I would rather just end it now.

Anyways, I know this was a long post so if anyone reads this I appreciate it. I hope everyone stays safe out there!

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

I read it all.

I dont have a whole lot useful to add I'm afraid other than that im also in a pretty bad place mentally at the moment. Sometimes I forget to be grateful that for the most part I have my physical health, reading your post reminded me to be thankful of that.

I know it's probably of little consequence to you but it helped me to read your post today and inspired me to have more strength to deal with the troubles I have and be more grateful for the troubles I dont have.

Thankyou

 

[LadyAlkaline]

It sounds like you're really going through some shit. Your family sounds a bit toxic, are you stuck there? As for pain, my neck is ruined and my L3 and L4 discs are almost non-existent, and kratom has saved my life. Opiates themselves can be pretty depressing in my experience.

Have you ever tried kratom? If you need advice on it, let me know. I was very skeptical about it, but I had been sent home from the hospital with MRI's showing my crushed spine and nothing to help me at all, so I got some from a local shop. 20 minutes later I was pain free...kratom has been a god send.

Why are your kidneys failing? Dialysis these days is better than it has been. They even have home dialyses that works as you sleep.

 

[deficiT]

Hey guys & girls,

I am suffering and sinking a little more as each day goes by. It’s crazy that people are freaking out and going crazy during these last couple months, but for me it’s as if it’s just another day.

I have been in two serious car accidents the last 2 years, (both as a passenger.) the first one I was in a Lyft when my driver tried to go through a yellow light and got t-boned. The second one was about a year later and I was in a taxi in Vegas when we got crushed. I’ve had back problems prior to the accidents due to playing basketball for awhile, but the accidents resulted in me having 2 back surgeries thus far, and scheduled for a third, but can’t do it until the pandemic is under control. I also have stage 3 ckd about to go to stage 4. Because of my ckd and autoimmune disease I’m like 3x more likely to get coronavirus.

so with all my health problems, I am also not getting along with my mom and brother AT ALL, who I live with. I feel bad about having some pretty serious domestics with my family, but at the same time they both just team up against me and kick me when I’m down. Even though my drs validate my back problems, and I have imaging like mri and xrays that prove my back is destroyed they still think I’m making it up to get pain medication, which kills me that they don’t believe me. My brother is really just a pos, and even though I haven’t got along with him in a year barley speaking to him even though we live together, I still love him. I mean, he’s my brother, my only sibling. My mom and I have got into some nasty arguments lately, but when I have time to cool off I think she is my mom and she really took care of me well while recovering from my first surgery, which was a fucking brutal rehab.

our family really was never the same when my dad passed in 2015. I was very close with him, and miss him dearly every day, where as my brother is very close with my mom.

I told my nephrologist that if my kidneys get to the point where I need dialysis then I would reject treatment. Well apparently that day is coming very soon. I told her it’s either a kidney, or it’s game over for me. Honestly, even if I got a new kidney I don’t even know if I would take it since I’m in horrible debilitating pain from my back every day. I would rather just give it to some kid who has a chance at a full life.

So besides all my shitty health problems, I am dead broke, can’t pay my bills, and am super stressed out every day. I am however fortunate that I have a roof over my head, and food in the fridge. I just couldn’t ask my mom or brother for some money, I’d rather die. They would probably help me out, but they are the type of people that will hold it over your head for YEARS!

since I probably don’t have much time left in my life anyways, I would rather just end it now.

Anyways, I know this was a long post so if anyone reads this I appreciate it. I hope everyone stays safe out there!

That is really rough bro, I can't believe they're not helping with your pain. I have no good advice either for this situation. It is difficult to sit here and tell someone that's going through this type of thing that "everything's gonna be alright". Cause shit ain't right, and I wish there was something I could do.

Honestly I'm fed up with doctors deciding whether pain is real or not. Not doing any sourcing of course, but this does not strike me as an addiction post, and I know it's tough when you're broke, but when you have serious pain like that you need fucking medicine to fix it! Just do some research bro you can find what you need without a doctor, that's all I'll say about that.

Not encouraging anyone to use of course but you are in pain and it's not humane, it's not fair. If typing that shit out helps you at all, I'm open for a vent at any point just let me know. I'm really hoping for the best for you friend, please be in touch if there's anything we can do.

 

[deficiT]

It sounds like you're really going through some shit. Your family sounds a bit toxic, are you stuck there? As for pain, my neck is ruined and my L3 and L4 discs are almost non-existent, and kratom has saved my life. Opiates themselves can be pretty depressing in my experience.

Have you ever tried kratom? If you need advice on it, let me know. I was very skeptical about it, but I had been sent home from the hospital with MRI's showing my crushed spine and nothing to help me at all, so I got some from a local shop. 20 minutes later I was pain free...kratom has been a god send.

Why are your kidneys failing? Dialysis these days is better than it has been. They even have home dialyses that works as you sleep.

Also can attest to the benefit of kratom. It will do the trick better than the dumb junkies like to say it's also cheap.

And just as a personal anecdote, my mother in law has fibromyalgia, amongst other things. Her kidney levels were looking bad, I have little understanding of it but what I understood was level 3 kidney disease. She used to take a lot of Percocet, Oxys, Nsaids etc. I introduced her to kratom and her levels have since balanced and her quality of life has improved dramatically.

That is just one example but hopefully it can be something positive you can get something out of.

 

[Oxygod126]

I read it all.

I dont have a whole lot useful to add I'm afraid other than that im also in a pretty bad place mentally at the moment. Sometimes I forget to be grateful that for the most part I have my physical health, reading your post reminded me to be thankful of that.

I know it's probably of little consequence to you but it helped me to read your post today and inspired me to have more strength to deal with the troubles I have and be more grateful for the troubles I dont have.

Thankyou

Thank you for the response, and just reading your message makes me feel a lot better.

when I was younger I was in good shape, and very active. I used to think if you have money than it doesn’t matter THAT much if you’re not healthy. Wow how ignorant I was back then. I’m glad my post has inspired you to be strong

 

[Oxygod126]

It sounds like you're really going through some shit. Your family sounds a bit toxic, are you stuck there? As for pain, my neck is ruined and my L3 and L4 discs are almost non-existent, and kratom has saved my life. Opiates themselves can be pretty depressing in my experience.

Have you ever tried kratom? If you need advice on it, let me know. I was very skeptical about it, but I had been sent home from the hospital with MRI's showing my crushed spine and nothing to help me at all, so I got some from a local shop. 20 minutes later I was pain free...kratom has been a god send.

Why are your kidneys failing? Dialysis these days is better than it has been. They even have home dialyses that works as you sleep.

Thank you for the reply!

I’m sorry to hear about your neck. I know how debilitating, and depressing, and physically and emotionally draining it can be. My PM dr is literally the biggest scum ever. I can’t take nsaids due to my kidneys so I asked him what to do for pain, and he was just like, meh idk don’t think about it! I was like what do you mean don’t think about it asshole! It’s literally constantly hurting, 24 hours a day. Luckily my PC doc has been with my family for close to 30 years and he trust me so he gives me 14 5mg Percocet every 14 days. It’s not a lot, but he’s more empathetic than pm. My surgeon would give any opioid I want but the protocol is he can only prescribe up to like 8 weeks after surgery.

the Percocet only last me like 3 or 4 days since I take 1 every 3hours or so, but at least for those couple days I’m not suffering “too” much.

when I run out of Percocet I have been actually taking Kratom which dulls the pain a bit, but I can’t stomach the taste so I end up taking anywhere from 14 to 20 capsules.

I have a progressive disease called IGA nephrology. I thought it was my diet, or maybe my drug use when I was younger, but my dr said I just got unlucky basically. There was nothing I could’ve done to prevent it. As far as dialysis goes, I don’t want to go to the hospital 3 times a week for 4 hours at a time. If they could do it while I slept then I guess I would try it.

 

[Oxygod126]

That is really rough bro, I can't believe they're not helping with your pain. I have no good advice either for this situation. It is difficult to sit here and tell someone that's going through this type of thing that "everything's gonna be alright". Cause shit ain't right, and I wish there was something I could do.

Honestly I'm fed up with doctors deciding whether pain is real or not. Not doing any sourcing of course, but this does not strike me as an addiction post, and I know it's tough when you're broke, but when you have serious pain like that you need fucking medicine to fix it! Just do some research bro you can find what you need without a doctor, that's all I'll say about that.

Not encouraging anyone to use of course but you are in pain and it's not humane, it's not fair. If typing that shit out helps you at all, I'm open for a vent at any point just let me know. I'm really hoping for the best for you friend, please be in touch if there's anything we can do.

I appreciate the post bro!

I hear you loud and clear. 2 years ago before I was broke I had a good job, and a decent savings. As soon as all this shit started happening to me, and drs wouldn’t help me with my pain I took it to the streets and self medicated. Well long story short I was buying 30 mg blues or roxy or whatever, and spent every dollar I ad to my name. I’m talking tens of thousands of dollars on those little things.when I was taking them my pain was decently controlled, and now that I can’t afford them my life is hell. I’m alive, but I’m not living if that makes sense. All I think about now is just when will I fucken die already and make this nightmare go away.

I had a bunch of subs at one point, and those really helped with my pain, and lasted like 18 hours with only taking 1 or 2 mg, but unfortunately I can’t afford to get those anymore either.

I can’t even sleep away the day because I’m in so much pain I can’t get comfortable and sit still for more than 5 minutes.

I’m so fucked in the head now that my kidney dr says I can’t take anti inflammatory, and it’s like poisoning myself, but I do it anyways because I just can’t go on like this anymore. It’s probably not going to be the most pleasant way to check out, but hey I don’t own a gun, and I’m scared of heights lol.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Thank you for the reply!

I’m sorry to hear about your neck. I know how debilitating, and depressing, and physically and emotionally draining it can be. My PM dr is literally the biggest scum ever. I can’t take nsaids due to my kidneys so I asked him what to do for pain, and he was just like, meh idk don’t think about it! I was like what do you mean don’t think about it asshole! It’s literally constantly hurting, 24 hours a day. Luckily my PC doc has been with my family for close to 30 years and he trust me so he gives me 14 5mg Percocet every 14 days. It’s not a lot, but he’s more empathetic than pm. My surgeon would give any opioid I want but the protocol is he can only prescribe up to like 8 weeks after surgery.

the Percocet only last me like 3 or 4 days since I take 1 every 3hours or so, but at least for those couple days I’m not suffering “too” much.

when I run out of Percocet I have been actually taking Kratom which dulls the pain a bit, but I can’t stomach the taste so I end up taking anywhere from 14 to 20 capsules.

I have a progressive disease called IGA nephrology. I thought it was my diet, or maybe my drug use when I was younger, but my dr said I just got unlucky basically. There was nothing I could’ve done to prevent it. As far as dialysis goes, I don’t want to go to the hospital 3 times a week for 4 hours at a time. If they could do it while I slept then I guess I would try it.

Kratom can also cause you to be numb to the Percocet. Now if you can manage a t break every now and then I think you should be fine as for the analgesics, it should remain the same for your pain. Personally to me I’d ask your reg doctor for a referral to a different pm. I don’t know if you said your age, but if you are young.. they will allow you to suffer as to not develop an “addict” sadly that’s how it goes. I don’t know what kinda pain your in, but I would suggest maybe some family counseling. You don’t need to be feeling like offing yourself is the best option there is help out there. You just gotta find it. But if opies help with your pain I wouldn’t stop until I found a doctor willing to help you

 

[Oxygod126]

Kratom can also cause you to be numb to the Percocet. Now if you can manage a t break every now and then I think you should be fine as for the analgesics, it should remain the same for your pain. Personally to me I’d ask your reg doctor for a referral to a different pm. I don’t know if you said your age, but if you are young.. they will allow you to suffer as to not develop an “addict” sadly that’s how it goes. I don’t know what kinda pain your in, but I would suggest maybe some family counseling. You don’t need to be feeling like offing yourself is the best option there is help out there. You just gotta find it. But if opies help with your pain I wouldn’t stop until I found a doctor willing to help you

That’s interesting about the Kratom causing you to be numb to the Percocet. I never knew that, but at least I’ve never experienced any differences so far.

When I was getting the 30s (roxy) I started off with a half, but over time it would go to a whole one, than 1-1/2, and so on. I think at my peak I was taking almost 200mg a day. At first it would go, take 1 to dull the pain, 2 to kill the pain almost completely, and 3 if I was just having a bad day and wanted to get fucked up. I only had minimal withdrawals from that oddly enough. Maybe running out of money was a blessing in disguise because I would probably be taking like 400 mg at this point.


I have had chronic pain for 6 years now, and I’m not joking when I say I’ve seen 5 pm drs. I was 21 when I started seeing drs so obviously they would never give a 21 years old kid opioids even though they all agreed I must be in pain based on the imaging and stuff. That was also when the opioid epidemic was getting a lot of media attention as well, so drs wouldn’t give any pain medication unless you had cancer. Now I’m 27 and it’s just as bad, if not worse.

my spine surgeon had back surgery himself and said it is INSANE that spine drs could only prescribe opioids for 8 weeks I think, but he told me they’re trying to change it to only 4 fucking weeks!

 

[JoEhJoEh]

Oxygod, I know exactly how are you feeling because from profession I also had to do with dialysis 3 times a week. It's not the dialysis alone, It' the bringing him to hospital, the taking him home, If he has a wife, she will be broke before he is gone (IM sorry but it is like that).,

I know this question is always hard, but before you have a brakedown, wnat about a home for people like him? please take time for yourself otherwise you can't stand that. there are also homes for people with handicaps like that and they can stay there for a few days so t hat the rest of the family can "rehabilitate". I know how this sounds, but it is a fact. you must heal!

JJ

 

[Jabberwocky]

That’s interesting about the Kratom causing you to be numb to the Percocet. I never knew that, but at least I’ve never experienced any differences so far.

When I was getting the 30s (roxy) I started off with a half, but over time it would go to a whole one, than 1-1/2, and so on. I think at my peak I was taking almost 200mg a day. At first it would go, take 1 to dull the pain, 2 to kill the pain almost completely, and 3 if I was just having a bad day and wanted to get fucked up. I only had minimal withdrawals from that oddly enough. Maybe running out of money was a blessing in disguise because I would probably be taking like 400 mg at this point.


I have had chronic pain for 6 years now, and I’m not joking when I say I’ve seen 5 pm drs. I was 21 when I started seeing drs so obviously they would never give a 21 years old kid opioids even though they all agreed I must be in pain based on the imaging and stuff. That was also when the opioid epidemic was getting a lot of media attention as well, so drs wouldn’t give any pain medication unless you had cancer. Now I’m 27 and it’s just as bad, if not worse.

my spine surgeon had back surgery himself and said it is INSANE that spine drs could only prescribe opioids for 8 weeks I think, but he told me they’re trying to change it to only 4 fucking weeks!

im 28, mine was illicit but i still had it everyday, i switched to kratom cause it was cheaper but bounce back and forth, hopefully now that im removing myself from toxic people the emotional pain will subside and then i can be the one totally responsible for my pain

 

[Harmredux]

Aside from the health, you came here because drugs are a part of this. I'm not criticizing you for using them as an escape- but reading your story (and having been on this merry-go-round for 10+ years) there's an element of "I'm efffed up physically, I need this, I deserve this drug, etc.". I have the whole rebuilt spine thing and constant pain- doesn't matter about me. The point is that maybe you are and maybe you aren't using the bare minimum you need to. I'm here today for the first time in years because my script is out 5 days early for the first time in years and I know the hell I am marching toward.
But y'know what? I could get by with HALF of what I am taking and in 6 months probably half of that.
I know the WHY of what you are doing, but the HOW is not helping your mental state.
If you were on a bare minimum, could you be more active- do more productive things?
Stephen Hawking had a pretty shitty life but accomplished a lot.
Get serious about health care- and consider what role drugs are playing in this.
I have a million excuses and I probably won't get help either. I'm sad for all of us, but there is at least one obvious solution, and that is cutting wayyyy down on the things that are tricking your brain into feeling worse than it needs to.
No man is an island- the suffering of every person is the suffering of us all- read John Donne's sermon on this.

 

[Harmredux]

How do you not have a lawyer for those accidents?
Also, you are getting another surgery- make that your doorway - TELL THEM the TRUTH about your sky-high dependence and that A)you need more pain mgmt then the average patient, and you need either state-funded subox or methadone when you come off your meds, or ask them to keep you on meds.
They are scheduling surgeries in most states now, SCHEDULE IT ASAP.
And please with the suicide talk- there are rich people who off themselves and poor people completely happy. In fact watch the documentary HAPPY. Watch some RiffTrax on Tubi. Watch Standup comedy on Netflix. Remind yourself that there is still laughter to be had.
I asked you to read that John Donne work because when YOU suffer, believe it or not, the world suffers with you. I think you are seeing that in your bro and mom. I am suffering thinking of you crying into your pillow. I know the pain, I have a titanium spine.
Try to make peace in your house and use that surgery to get the dr.s attention YOU NEED HELP.

 

[Oxygod126]

How do you not have a lawyer for those accidents?
Also, you are getting another surgery- make that your doorway - TELL THEM the TRUTH about your sky-high dependence and that A)you need more pain mgmt then the average patient, and you need either state-funded subox or methadone when you come off your meds, or ask them to keep you on meds.
They are scheduling surgeries in most states now, SCHEDULE IT ASAP.
And please with the suicide talk- there are rich people who off themselves and poor people completely happy. In fact watch the documentary HAPPY. Watch some RiffTrax on Tubi. Watch Standup comedy on Netflix. Remind yourself that there is still laughter to be had.
I asked you to read that John Donne work because when YOU suffer, believe it or not, the world suffers with you. I think you are seeing that in your bro and mom. I am suffering thinking of you crying into your pillow. I know the pain, I have a titanium spine.
Try to make peace in your house and use that surgery to get the dr.s attention YOU NEED HELP.

Hey man I appreciate you chiming in, and I understand where you’re coming from, but did you read my previous posts?

I was taking a good amount of oxy a couple months ago, but now all I get is 14, 5mg Percocet every 14 days. That is all the opioids I am taking at the moment. I don’t have the money to get anymore.

as far as you have rebuilt your spine, I guess you are tougher than me, I don’t know what to say? I had a triple level spine fusion from l4 through s1. My other surgery was to remove a broken screw in my back, which caused me excruciating pain! Like I said before, my pm doc is the biggest douche bag, and he is the fifth one I have got. I wouldn’t be getting any pain medication if it weren’t for my primary.

As far as the accidents go, I have a lawyer. I already settled for the first accident, but I got beyond fucked on that one. It barely covered my medical, than I had to pay my lawyer their cut. The second one won’t proceed until I have the next surgery because obviously we want to argue that I’m having more surgery as a result of the accident, which is actually true. Unfortunately I can’t have the surgery because I have auto immune disease, and tittering between stage 3 and stage 4 kidney disease. There is no way in hell I can have the surgery with the pandemic going on because I am like 5x as likely to get it due to my weak immune system.


As if my health and my family problems, and financial difficulties aren’t enough, I live in Santa Monica and all hell broke lose in the city. They were rioting, and vandalizing everything around, and set a building on fire, which was like a half block away from me.

I know you said to get more active and everything bro, but I literally can’t. My doc told me not to go outside unless I absolutely have to, and also because of auto immune bs I am constantly tired and fatigued no matter how good I sleep. So it’s like dammed if I do, and dammed if I don’t. I can’t take this anymore. I have been fighting for 6 years, and people would tell me it will get better with time. LOL what bs that is! Not only have I not got any bette, but shit has got significantly worse. I’m so tired of these stupid cliches when the truth of the matter is, some people go through life without or little adversity, and other people like me get completely fucked!

 

[Harmredux]

Good- you fought back just now, didn't you? In the last 7 days I went from a 250mg combined oxy/hydro/opium habit to ZERO today and I am only not going crazy because I'm full of kratom, dxm, NAC, and L-Acetyl-Cysteine, valium, remeron, and immodium. I somewhat get you- the cravings especially.
But today I was thinking about you in the shower, and not in a homoerotic way (sorry), thinking "yesterday I saw no light". Today was 10% better- I will take it. I was thinking you may have to just believe there will be a day when you will be able to find pleasure in something again.
Don't discount the NAC (which you can get cheap , get Jarrows brand for sure) or the Remeron for it's potential to halt cravings.
Also, how the eff are you not EVENTUALLY going to be eligible for methadone? You got that sweet hospital visit coming up where they are going to balance you out give you some goodies and don't let them off the hook for sending you home with a pat on the arse and a "goodluck sailor"- tell them you want to see a social worker, raise hell if they won't provide adequate management. Tomorrow, if you are even 1% better let us know.

 

[ADHDMY4SS]

Hey guys & girls,

I am suffering and sinking a little more as each day goes by. It’s crazy that people are freaking out and going crazy during these last couple months, but for me it’s as if it’s just another day.

I have been in two serious car accidents the last 2 years, (both as a passenger.) the first one I was in a Lyft when my driver tried to go through a yellow light and got t-boned. The second one was about a year later and I was in a taxi in Vegas when we got crushed. I’ve had back problems prior to the accidents due to playing basketball for awhile, but the accidents resulted in me having 2 back surgeries thus far, and scheduled for a third, but can’t do it until the pandemic is under control. I also have stage 3 ckd about to go to stage 4. Because of my ckd and autoimmune disease I’m like 3x more likely to get coronavirus.

so with all my health problems, I am also not getting along with my mom and brother AT ALL, who I live with. I feel bad about having some pretty serious domestics with my family, but at the same time they both just team up against me and kick me when I’m down. Even though my drs validate my back problems, and I have imaging like mri and xrays that prove my back is destroyed they still think I’m making it up to get pain medication, which kills me that they don’t believe me. My brother is really just a pos, and even though I haven’t got along with him in a year barley speaking to him even though we live together, I still love him. I mean, he’s my brother, my only sibling. My mom and I have got into some nasty arguments lately, but when I have time to cool off I think she is my mom and she really took care of me well while recovering from my first surgery, which was a fucking brutal rehab.

our family really was never the same when my dad passed in 2015. I was very close with him, and miss him dearly every day, where as my brother is very close with my mom.

I told my nephrologist that if my kidneys get to the point where I need dialysis then I would reject treatment. Well apparently that day is coming very soon. I told her it’s either a kidney, or it’s game over for me. Honestly, even if I got a new kidney I don’t even know if I would take it since I’m in horrible debilitating pain from my back every day. I would rather just give it to some kid who has a chance at a full life.

So besides all my shitty health problems, I am dead broke, can’t pay my bills, and am super stressed out every day. I am however fortunate that I have a roof over my head, and food in the fridge. I just couldn’t ask my mom or brother for some money, I’d rather die. They would probably help me out, but they are the type of people that will hold it over your head for YEARS!

since I probably don’t have much time left in my life anyways, I would rather just end it now.

Anyways, I know this was a long post so if anyone reads this I appreciate it. I hope everyone stays safe out there!

I am very sorry for your loss. May he Rest In Peace.

Your circumstances relate to mine so much it's insane. Luckily I don't have as many health issues (yet). I currently AM that dumb kid that thinks he's got a chunk of money so he can do whatever he wants in life. I'm learning fast. Boy was I wrong. All the drugs I did, I thought I was effing invincible. I beg and beg people not to take oxies because IMO they are pills the DEVIL HIMSELF MAKES and ships to Purdue or whoever makes them nowadays. Keep in mind I am somewhat biased because I kicked a 5-600mg a day habit. Mine was recreational though.

It seems like you're taking them responsibly and if you're in that much pain, so be it man take them. I don't understand why your family gives you shit to take the meds your doctor gave you (WHEN you can even get the script you should be getting). Being broke is never fun but just keep in mind life is a blind roller coaster. You climb high and fall fast.