crOOk
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 16, 2004
- Messages
- 4,047
So this is kind of a follow-up to a thread I posted 9 months ago.
I thought about it carefully and created a new thread, because these things deserve to be seen by as many people as possible. There are too few examples of this kind on bluelight, considering it is meant to minimize the damage caused by drugs. Not just by making information accessible on how to use them, but also by allowing people to make an educated decision whether or not to use a certain drug or route of administration at all.
So here is my buddy. A strong character in many ways, as mentioned in the other thread. We share a connection through studying medicine, having a each have a child of the same age. Oh and drugs. I've not been pushy in the ways I've been trying to convince him to get off coke. There are people who just need a slap in the face, others who need a shoulder to cry on or some who just need to be locked into a room for a month.
Him I don't know. He's best described as a 'Heil Hitler' yelling antifashist agent, an inner-city cop car chased punk rock junky, a swat team fighting kamikaze punk, ticking rock'n'roll time bomb cowboy. A free-spirited hopeless romantic with antisocial tendencies who somehow managed to become a medical doctor and has women think it's a bright idea to carry his children. If that makes any sense... Does it? Yeah, I think I nailed it.
I don't feel I can do much, but be there, enjoy the (possibly very little) time he has left with him, try to influence him while still sympathizing with his rock'n'roll way of life. It took a long time for me to cherish him as a person. While cleaning the remainders of his blood from our aparment today (as my wife and I have done the past 3 days), I came to realize: Shit, maybe this blood is the last I'll see of him.
I've had more than one person die on me because of drugs, but never was the process so ugly and dragged out. Usually 'the incident' took place and that was it. I never really saw it coming, except for a vague sense of dread in one case. This time dread cannot merely be sensed, it can be seen. Death can be seen like a shadow figure lurking in the abyss, longing to sink it's claws inside his flesh before dragging him into the bottomless pit. And so can he. All it takes if for him to step away from that yawning chasm and into safety, but something is keeping him there, staring into the abyss, staring at the shadow figure, taunting it.
What keeps him there? It's something very different from what keeps us using drugs. Me? You? Are we in it for the joy? Is there any joy left for you? Have you ever wished to quit drugs?
If I had to blame a single incident for the downfall of my buddy and for the deaths of so many I've known before, I would not hesitate to answer: "The moment they decided to start shooting drugs."
Don't get me wrong. I sort of enjoy poking myself every once in a while (with both a sense of disgust and perverse gratification, a feeling both of ultimate surrender and complete control) and have gained a sense of control over this nasty habit. It's not control per se, but my marriage is very important to me and by keeping my wife informed making it a regular thing is not an option. I also have a child that I care for three days of the week. I guess ethics one this one for the time being.
I too have lived through times when life felt like a waking nightmare due to needles, but that is not what this thread is about. I can say this much: Drugs have not helped me get where I once wanted to be. Yet I regret nothing.
Sooooo, where were we? Right, my friend. I try to keep in touch, offer my help in regular intervals, send funny WhatsApp messages and tidbits of what's going on in my life, ask for his state of being. Contact is rather sporadic. He has been acting very paranoid, is convinced all his electronic devices are compromised, the government or some other malevolent entity is trying to fuck with him or whatever-
Sometimes he doesn't believe it is me he is talking to me in the past few months. I have to be careful what I say in order not to tick him off. He often changes numbers, goes 'off grid' etc.
Classic cocaine psychosis for you. Then again, benefit of the doubt and all. Crazy things do happen.
So a bit over a week ago he messages me and tells me it's pretty bad. He's had a lung embolism, but "only a small one". He's gonna get his abscesses taken care of and get himself locked up. First time I've heard him say that. Damn. Good news.
So a few days later he gets back to me and says the clinic he picked rejected him, he had to get the surgeries done first, then come back. He's had those done in another clinic, but since it's Friday and nothing much is gonna happen in rehab on the weekend, why not go for one last session.
"Do you wanna use up the rest of what I got with me? I need one last session before I go."
So while I know it's wrong to support him in that habit, I knew just as well that I would otherwise not see him. Plus, free cocaine - and he knows where to get the good shit! Gotta say I'm not big into cocaine. It's been 14 months before this I think. Had a seizure from IV use, don't get much of a rush unlike other people. I don't spend money on that shit. But hey, it's free coke.
Being the gentleman that he is, he explicitely asked me to make sure it's okay for my wife if he (/we) shot it. I asked my wife and told her I might do one or two shots myself. Her knowing that there's no other way to see him as of now she agreed.
So the day after he tells me that he'd just go get a little more for us. I tell him I don't spend money on it and have stuck to it throughout the years. He tells me he's on his way to our place with a good 2g or so and sends me a live location. I fall asleep. That is how much I love cocaine.
Ding-dong.
Quick, quick, let's prepare the shots, before I really wake up from my sleep (Stimulant rush is best served right upon waking). I've got two 27G needles for my wive's B12 shots, micron filter, slam 60mg, feel pretty good, but not bell-ringer good.
Ok, time to see those arms now. He is in the middle of - I don't know what to call it - shooting up? I ask him to let me take pictures for the good cause, he agrees. Just lets that thing sit in there. I've seen much worse from him.
On the way I ask him "Hey why did you uncover your abscesses, shouldn't there be povidone-iodine or some other antiseptic on them?"
His answer: "Well, they don't call it veinous abscess for no reason. I can reach the vein really well there." Yeah, right, really well my ass lol.
BEFORE
Not so bad really.
So throughout the next 10 hours we go through most about 1.5g while he takes the rest with him I guess. I had around 400mg in 4 or 5 shots (getting larger each time) spaced roughly 2h apart. Takes me 10 seconds to finish, no need to tie my arm, no bruise, no nothing.
I show him how to freebase (my wife had some ammonia for cleaning purposes), but he's not convinced. I smoke the entire 300mg coke (came out to 240mg alkaloid freebase, clean taste, no residue to speak of, good shit like I said).
He basically has a needle stuck in his arm all night and gets blood every-fucking-where!!! God the cleaning we had to do. After he left I text him and ask for him to shoot a few after-pics, so people could see what a cocaine bender can do.
Sooooo, long story short
AFTER
So, if you are considering to shoot coke or even just dope, whatever downer or psychedelic, ketamine (btw, I hit an artery the other month with some racemic k from the pharmacy, but that's another story). Remember it can go well and you may end up having a lot of fun on an occasional basis or it can go less well and you may just flush your life down the shitter. The truth is gonna lie somewhere in between. The thing is - You just won't know what the hell is gonna happen. It's russian fucking roulette.
Just be aware of that if you want to be a cowboy!
Stay rock'n'roll!
EDIT: Wtf happened to the heart emojis? The only emoji I ever needed here.
I thought about it carefully and created a new thread, because these things deserve to be seen by as many people as possible. There are too few examples of this kind on bluelight, considering it is meant to minimize the damage caused by drugs. Not just by making information accessible on how to use them, but also by allowing people to make an educated decision whether or not to use a certain drug or route of administration at all.
So here is my buddy. A strong character in many ways, as mentioned in the other thread. We share a connection through studying medicine, having a each have a child of the same age. Oh and drugs. I've not been pushy in the ways I've been trying to convince him to get off coke. There are people who just need a slap in the face, others who need a shoulder to cry on or some who just need to be locked into a room for a month.
Him I don't know. He's best described as a 'Heil Hitler' yelling antifashist agent, an inner-city cop car chased punk rock junky, a swat team fighting kamikaze punk, ticking rock'n'roll time bomb cowboy. A free-spirited hopeless romantic with antisocial tendencies who somehow managed to become a medical doctor and has women think it's a bright idea to carry his children. If that makes any sense... Does it? Yeah, I think I nailed it.
I don't feel I can do much, but be there, enjoy the (possibly very little) time he has left with him, try to influence him while still sympathizing with his rock'n'roll way of life. It took a long time for me to cherish him as a person. While cleaning the remainders of his blood from our aparment today (as my wife and I have done the past 3 days), I came to realize: Shit, maybe this blood is the last I'll see of him.
I've had more than one person die on me because of drugs, but never was the process so ugly and dragged out. Usually 'the incident' took place and that was it. I never really saw it coming, except for a vague sense of dread in one case. This time dread cannot merely be sensed, it can be seen. Death can be seen like a shadow figure lurking in the abyss, longing to sink it's claws inside his flesh before dragging him into the bottomless pit. And so can he. All it takes if for him to step away from that yawning chasm and into safety, but something is keeping him there, staring into the abyss, staring at the shadow figure, taunting it.
What keeps him there? It's something very different from what keeps us using drugs. Me? You? Are we in it for the joy? Is there any joy left for you? Have you ever wished to quit drugs?
If I had to blame a single incident for the downfall of my buddy and for the deaths of so many I've known before, I would not hesitate to answer: "The moment they decided to start shooting drugs."
Don't get me wrong. I sort of enjoy poking myself every once in a while (with both a sense of disgust and perverse gratification, a feeling both of ultimate surrender and complete control) and have gained a sense of control over this nasty habit. It's not control per se, but my marriage is very important to me and by keeping my wife informed making it a regular thing is not an option. I also have a child that I care for three days of the week. I guess ethics one this one for the time being.
I too have lived through times when life felt like a waking nightmare due to needles, but that is not what this thread is about. I can say this much: Drugs have not helped me get where I once wanted to be. Yet I regret nothing.
Sooooo, where were we? Right, my friend. I try to keep in touch, offer my help in regular intervals, send funny WhatsApp messages and tidbits of what's going on in my life, ask for his state of being. Contact is rather sporadic. He has been acting very paranoid, is convinced all his electronic devices are compromised, the government or some other malevolent entity is trying to fuck with him or whatever-
Sometimes he doesn't believe it is me he is talking to me in the past few months. I have to be careful what I say in order not to tick him off. He often changes numbers, goes 'off grid' etc.
Classic cocaine psychosis for you. Then again, benefit of the doubt and all. Crazy things do happen.
So a bit over a week ago he messages me and tells me it's pretty bad. He's had a lung embolism, but "only a small one". He's gonna get his abscesses taken care of and get himself locked up. First time I've heard him say that. Damn. Good news.
So a few days later he gets back to me and says the clinic he picked rejected him, he had to get the surgeries done first, then come back. He's had those done in another clinic, but since it's Friday and nothing much is gonna happen in rehab on the weekend, why not go for one last session.
"Do you wanna use up the rest of what I got with me? I need one last session before I go."
So while I know it's wrong to support him in that habit, I knew just as well that I would otherwise not see him. Plus, free cocaine - and he knows where to get the good shit! Gotta say I'm not big into cocaine. It's been 14 months before this I think. Had a seizure from IV use, don't get much of a rush unlike other people. I don't spend money on that shit. But hey, it's free coke.
Being the gentleman that he is, he explicitely asked me to make sure it's okay for my wife if he (/we) shot it. I asked my wife and told her I might do one or two shots myself. Her knowing that there's no other way to see him as of now she agreed.
So the day after he tells me that he'd just go get a little more for us. I tell him I don't spend money on it and have stuck to it throughout the years. He tells me he's on his way to our place with a good 2g or so and sends me a live location. I fall asleep. That is how much I love cocaine.
Ding-dong.
Quick, quick, let's prepare the shots, before I really wake up from my sleep (Stimulant rush is best served right upon waking). I've got two 27G needles for my wive's B12 shots, micron filter, slam 60mg, feel pretty good, but not bell-ringer good.
Ok, time to see those arms now. He is in the middle of - I don't know what to call it - shooting up? I ask him to let me take pictures for the good cause, he agrees. Just lets that thing sit in there. I've seen much worse from him.
On the way I ask him "Hey why did you uncover your abscesses, shouldn't there be povidone-iodine or some other antiseptic on them?"
His answer: "Well, they don't call it veinous abscess for no reason. I can reach the vein really well there." Yeah, right, really well my ass lol.
BEFORE
NSFW:
NSFW:
NSFW:
Not so bad really.
So throughout the next 10 hours we go through most about 1.5g while he takes the rest with him I guess. I had around 400mg in 4 or 5 shots (getting larger each time) spaced roughly 2h apart. Takes me 10 seconds to finish, no need to tie my arm, no bruise, no nothing.
I show him how to freebase (my wife had some ammonia for cleaning purposes), but he's not convinced. I smoke the entire 300mg coke (came out to 240mg alkaloid freebase, clean taste, no residue to speak of, good shit like I said).
He basically has a needle stuck in his arm all night and gets blood every-fucking-where!!! God the cleaning we had to do. After he left I text him and ask for him to shoot a few after-pics, so people could see what a cocaine bender can do.
Sooooo, long story short
AFTER
NSFW:
NSFW:
NSFW:
NSFW:
NSFW:
NSFW:
So, if you are considering to shoot coke or even just dope, whatever downer or psychedelic, ketamine (btw, I hit an artery the other month with some racemic k from the pharmacy, but that's another story). Remember it can go well and you may end up having a lot of fun on an occasional basis or it can go less well and you may just flush your life down the shitter. The truth is gonna lie somewhere in between. The thing is - You just won't know what the hell is gonna happen. It's russian fucking roulette.
Just be aware of that if you want to be a cowboy!
Stay rock'n'roll!
EDIT: Wtf happened to the heart emojis? The only emoji I ever needed here.
Last edited by a moderator:
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