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Dark, dark thoughts. Can you help find my underlying issues of addiction? I can't live sober. Please. Help. Anything.

ADHDMY4SS

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Hello all

I have managed to advent and eliminate some pretty bad habits these past ~5 years. Below are the substances, dosage, duration, and whether I took it recreational/medical.

Xanax - 6MG/day (average) - 2/2.5 years - recreational alongside recreational adderall for about a year of it. 30MG IR 2/day.

Oxycodone - 510MG/day (average. not a typo) - 8 months - recreational obv

Xanax (round 2) - A while after kicking the oxy, a long while, I had so many damn bars left since I would take 2-5 of them a day before and I am the hoarding type ( I usually don't just buy enough I buy enough for the whole block, bad habit I know but just FYI ). So I dug back into them and took these for about 7-9 months. When my stash dwindled down to the last bunch, I figured I am not going to reup on my own. I'm not gonna effin test each and every one with a fent kit. I just wanted out anyways and maybe some real help not just jamming benzos down my throat. So, I told my psychiatrist.

I have also chugged I would say, 6 pints of pharmacy lean I used to buy from a friend once a month (real Wockhardt I would break the seal and toss box and pamphlet myself). I mention the lean so nonchalantly because I had no side effects whatsoever after finishing the bottles. I would usually share with a friend but we would kill a pint in 2 days.

Today I no longer take/buy any pills for fun. Prescriptions only and I cannot wait for the day, God willing, that I can break my tether from them.
Current prescribed:
Gabapentin 3200MG/day - I take 1600 only usually. I have taken 12000mg numerous times before, but you build a tolerance that defeats the entire effect of the medication and besides, your body cannot absorb nearly that much taken at once.
Clonazepam 2MG/day - My taper started at 6MG from my psychiatrist because that is the max that can be prescribed apparently. Down to 2MG in about 6 months; you can probably see by now that, for me, this is actually not much/bad.
Vyvanse 70MG/day - I take it half the month or so.
I eat very clean I don't eat out at all and when I do its steak and greens. I kicked my weed habit, I don't even count that as a drug hence it was not listed. 7-8 years of weed. lots. My lungs started wheezing way too much and I couldn't exercise for long without a nasty, nasty cough. 2 weeks clean let's see how long that lasts.

This entire last week I said eff it and took charge of my taper, I went from 2MG a day to 1MG and held strong. I'm not forgetting my entire life anymore, only half or so. What I fear the MOST of all is relapsing on Oxy. That shit should've never been invented. They couldn't stop at Vicodin? Don't get me wrong. I don't blame big pharma for my problems. These medicines are made for sick people whether it is a pretty bad car accident with serious trauma, surgery, brain cancer, etc. Doctors very carefully distribute meds like these to THOSE people only.

My mind has gotten to a point that I NEED to take pills to have a chance of experiencing any happiness that day. Hence my skepticism in quitting weed for go although I do intend to. It is the weed, and all the other shit I ruined my brain and CNS with that lead to this. No history of addiction at all in my family. I was/am the first.

I don't blame anyone but myself. I always took way too much of anything. When my doctor saw me after the Oxy phase, he told me I was VERY lucky not to be dead or permanently retarded. Nobody of his stature in the medical field had ever used language like that even in front of me to others, let alone directly to me. He followed that up with "It's probably because you're young and didn't take them for too long." I told him I was taking 12 30s a day not 15 too. I declined suboxone. I declined methadone. I word for word told him I want NOTHING I will ever withdraw from again, I am sick and tired of going through withdrawals doctor and this wasn't ANYTHING like mine from the past. I was just over it. He told me I reminded him of his wife's 'all or nothing' personality and how she can't only have one drink (1000000% me). He gave me Trazadone to help sleep. Weakest shit ever; literally feels like you have weights when you stand up. Feels like a cheat code you applied to your body lol, but nonetheless does not put/keep you asleep when cold turkey quitting that much. I didn't sleep for a week.

All in all, some say I am too hard on myself sometimes. That's just me though. The overthinking mothereffing global leader.

I never went to rehab. I stopped by one the last day I took oxy and was briefed about their daily activities which were yoga and a bunch of other stuff at the time I thought was just BS and if I wanted to quit I was quitting. After all, it's not easy to flush 60 30s down the toilet at 3 am. I knew I had no shot in hell at tapering and as scary as what's to come was, I realized I am taking OXYCODONE like WHAT ME SINCE WHEN??? Rushed out of bed, grabbed stash, dropped in the toilet, prayed, flushed. Cost me $5000 minimum. Nobody caught me. Nobody found them. I did that entirely on my own. They would run for 28-42 each pill depending on supply.

Sorry for going all over the place. My mind just has so much to say and nobody to say it to. I always have kept a fairly small circle. I've found it to be less stressful to not care about making everyone happy 247. Time went on, I didn't make the best efforts to keep relationships going. Unfortunately, I had a few friends I did have left: a few borrowed half my life savings (Lambo money) and I wasn't hesitant to hand it over at the time as I went to MIDDLE school with these guys. They asked for more and more and more until they left the country. Once in a while, we talk. The depression from the monetary loss faded over time the same way all materialistic excitements do. The betrayal of it all made me seriously hate humanity and what it's capable of nowadays. I was very fortunate to have that much at that age and I got the wind knocked out of me in my sleep. The others are the fakest human beings on Earth. I know we all are but they are on another level. They're also the ones that gave me Oxy the first time I ever had it (a third of a 15 and 3 Advil to "feel it more"). I could not believe the bliss and anxiety-less state of mind. It took off from there. Anyways, I would always take the best care of them just because I could. Anywhere we would go I wouldn't hesitate to grab the bill or pay for trips/ NFL games you name it. They simply didn't have and fortunately, I did; that's what friends are for, right? They quickly became unappreciative and would use me. They also wouldn't invite me over if they had other people or a party going on at their house. I would see it on social media after not hearing from them for days and see them glorifying their other friends that, for lack of a better explanation, bend them over sideways and give it to them in the ASS compared to me as far as loyalty/friendship goes. I know it's not their job to do so but they were well aware they were the only friends I had. That didn't bother them though. Even though I live right down the street.

It makes me legitimately think all day long and ask myself what is wrong with me? Why is it people bluntly don't like me around them? Then my thoughts start tearing my mind into shreds. They eat me alive. Today, I literally don't have a friend left. I never even need to open my mouth to speak because I am literally that alone. I am blessed in many ways and I am grateful every single day for all I have. However, loneliness becomes overwhelming at times and drowns you more and more until you tap out. You go through stages. At first, I thought eff friends I don't need them anyway. I played some Xbox and cleaned my room 100 times. That got boring quickly. Everything I previously genuinely had an interest in before the substance abuse (but mainly the loneliness), I no longer had any interest in at all. I didn't replace them with other hobbies or things to do either, I just didn't. I get emotional at times and it strikes with volatility like you would not believe. I will literally be watching a movie, alone in bed, and I will see a group of friends on TV or it's a part of the movie that would normally only make a 12-year-old girl cry, I would SOB. I do sob. I shouldn't say I would. I haven't today but I think my mental triggers are -loneliness -the opposite of it (and I am NOT the type to envy, I just can't hold it in after so many years) -anything sad. Whenever I see any of these on TV as pathetic as it sounds waterfalls just pour like they have been waiting and waiting for a decade for my eyes to let them fall. Years ago, when my parents would ask me if any of my friends called me that day, and were looking down and sad when I would say "No? why?". That was when it kicked in. My whole I don't need friends-ego was shattered when I realized I made my own mother sad just by that. I would hear her speak to my father, and with no ill intent, tell him not to bother me at all because I am "always down. Every single time I see him, he is frowning."

I would go back and forth with myself about whether or not I really had these issues. But hearing my parents was the last straw on the hidden camel's back. I collapsed. Where to from here? Do you know how hard it is to make friends nowadays? Even if I could do it, I have severe crippling social anxiety. Even when I try to keep cool, people notice my face ticks, abnormal breathing patterns, and many more I don't want to dive into. This was at work of course and would go on several times a day over a 12 hr shift 5 days a week. Pure torture. I no longer work there because I could not handle the people laughing at me. I would do my best to disguise my issues and make conversation to the best of my ability, but they would literally laugh at me. That's something I do not wish upon my worst enemy. What is wrong with people? Why would you laugh in someone's face every single time you come to the business he works at? Sometimes when there would be a line and I could hear the people waiting talking about me and I could see them in my peripheral vision dissecting my body language, I would have full-on panic attacks and would have to go to the back, if I wasn't working alone of course. You pieces of SHIT couldn't wait till you got to your car? I couldn't take it anymore. They would even speak to the other employees in a language I do not understand although everyone in the room speaks perfect English. My coworkers would respond in a casual tone ( I couldn't understand so the tone is all I had to go off of). The customer would be staring at me while being helped by another and dying of laughter. They would even come in, in groups of 2 or 3 or sometimes 5 or so, and one would nudge the other as soon as they saw who was working (me). Oxy let me free from this all. Confidence and so much more; I was truly happy for the first time since high school.

That is the last thing I want. Some attention wouldn't hurt because nobody ever gives me it. Nobody cares about me. Tearing as I type this out but that's just currently the way it is and I NEED help. I want out. I have thoughts I never in a million years thought I would be having in my entire life. I don't even want to type them out; they're that bad. When the stupid ass day of the year comes around, my birthday, nobody says Happy Birthday to me. Nobody. Not a single text message. I have not celebrated my birthday in a decade. I don't want to. I hate clubs and parties for the most part. Not my thing. I would however appreciate it if just one or two friends from high school spent 5 seconds and sent me a text. A Merry Christmas or a Happy new year! text. I wish I didn't have a birthday. I don't get it. Why am I such an outcast? I reach out and send them nice messages on holidays and whenever else I can think of. They literally do not respond to me at all. Caring, thoughtful, cheesy messages from men to men, and they wouldn't even acknowledge the old friend simply and literally wishing them well. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I'm not a victim of anything. I know this is all on me and my fault one way or another.


Well, I think I need to find my underlying issues because that's all I read everywhere to "stay clean" and I don't know what they are for the life of me. Hence my blurting out the first 50 problems off the top of my head to sort of let you all try to make an educated guess, given the info you've been, about what my underlying issues are. I know for a fact one of my issues is loneliness. That scores points all across the board as far as life problems/stressors. As far as addiction goes, #1 I am going to go ahead and go with loneliness. Does anybody know what #2 would be? Any advice at all is much appreciated. I have nothing to lose at this point. Be safe.
 
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jackie jones

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That was very thorough. I am confused though. Are you still on the Oxycodone?
 

ADHDMY4SS

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That was very thorough. I am confused though. Are you still on the Oxycodone?
No. Hellllllll no. My loneliness makes me crave just about anything including that but no sir. In September, God willing I don't mess up and I won't; I will be two full years clean of all opiates. Cold turkey.
& for what it's worth: That was just a fraction of it. Sorry there's so much. Imagine everything you've vented to your friends about for the last 3 years; never having said any of it to anyone and posting on here.
 

jackie jones

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Well done. I am in recovery from opioids myself. Suboxone did the trick. I wish I would have done it years ago. No cravings whatsoever.

So, what is your main concern? I read your thread, but I am reading a lot of things right now.
 

ADHDMY4SS

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Well done. I am in recovery from opioids myself. Suboxone did the trick. I wish I would have done it years ago. No cravings whatsoever.

So, what is your main concern? I read your thread, but I am reading a lot of things right now.
Thanks. Good for you wish you well and a speedy recovery.

Well, I think I need to find my underlying issues because that's all I read everywhere to "stay clean" and I don't know what they are for the life of me. Hence my blurting out the first 50 problems off the top of my head to sort of let you all try to make an educated guess, given the info you've been, about what my underlying issues are. I know for a fact one of my issues is loneliness. That scores points all across the board as far as life problems/stressors. As far as addiction goes, #1 I am going to go ahead and go with loneliness. Does anybody know what #2 would be?
 

jackie jones

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Well, loneliness is a killer. I am fortunate to have a lovely girl in my life even though she is incarcerated and all we do is write and talk on the phone. She has given me direction and a reason to get on with my life. I need to take care of her emotionally right now and altogether when she is released. She is my sweet little girl. I will not argue with loneliness being #1. As for #2, I would say inactivity. Getting off dope is just the first step. Then you are at baseline, with your raw emotions, not really knowing what to do. I am there right now.
 

ADHDMY4SS

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Well, loneliness is a killer. I am fortunate to have a lovely girl in my life even though she is incarcerated and all we do is write and talk on the phone. She has given me direction and a reason to get on with my life. I need to take care of her emotionally right now and altogether when she is released. She is my sweet little girl. I will not argue with loneliness being #1. As for #2, I would say inactivity. Getting off dope is just the first step. Then you are at baseline, with your raw emotions, not really knowing what to do. I am there right now.
Good for you! A girlfriend sure can give one a why. If there's a why, there's a how. I've been with mine for over 4 years now. I tell her almost daily that she is all I have (whether that's a good decision or not). I plan on popping the question soon. My number 1 fear? Nobody showing up on my side of the wedding and I'll just look like some nobody weirdo. With 20 of my family members there and ~200 of her's and her friends. I just don't want to look like that :( but I have to. She is all I have. I'm aware you can get married in court and most have small weddings, etc. My culture doesn't. Huge, lavish weddings. The last one I went to, my cousins in another state on the east side, 960 people. It's not a high score or anything I just overthink so damn much it makes me feel like I have gotten nowhere in life or that at least is what people will make of it. Socially at least. Financially I am fine. Too bad money can't buy money cant buy happiness!

😩Kinda sucks though because you can't talk to your girl what you'd talk to, for example, your guy friends about. It just doesn't work. And when I do she just listens and I hear none of the responses I am expecting back because 1) she will only speak a certain way w/ her boyfriend like any girl should and 2) SHES NOT A GUY

I ordered one of those bikes with the screen and all; I am trying to put in 5 miles a day or so which isn't much but along with a good diet goes a long way. But I have so much longer
 

jackie jones

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Sounds like you are on the right track. You have all the puzzle pieces. You just have to put them together.

That was a really lame analogy. My apologies.
 

Flower Fairy

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Cost me $5000 minimum. Nobody caught me. Nobody found them. I did that entirely on my own. They would run for 28-42 each pill depending on supply
Naw man, I've wanted to try oxy for years lol I'd of had them lol, tottaly get it I once flushed 15 x 2 mg bars of xanax down the toilet, actually my boyfriend at the time did at the start of my last withdrawal to benzos as I couldn't do it lol

I've flushed so many pills, zopiclone, diazepam, mirtazapine, the fish round here are probably addicted and needing to withdrawal off downers themselves by now lol
Even if I could do it, I have severe crippling social anxiety. Even when I try to keep cool, people notice my face ticks, abnormal breathing patterns, and many more I don't want to dive into
Yep same I can't make new friends as I'm scared to go out and meet people, and when I do I'm scared to approach anyone because of my anxiety, how do anyone meet friends when they're older I do not know
 

ADHDMY4SS

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Naw man, I've wanted to try oxy for years lol I'd of had them lol, tottaly get it I once flushed 15 x 2 mg bars of xanax down the toilet, actually my boyfriend at the time did at the start of my last withdrawal to benzos as I couldn't do it lol

I've flushed so many pills, zopiclone, diazepam, mirtazapine, the fish round here are probably addicted and needing to withdrawal off downers themselves by now lol


Yep same I can't make new friends as I'm scared to go out and meet people, and when I do I'm scared to approach anyone because of my anxiety, how do anyone meet friends when they're older I do not know
Lol I've flushed my fair share of bars too. my problem was I bought so many just once in my life that they were there and that's why I ended up taking them for like 3 separate "abuse sessions" or whatever we're calling them. But I had them in bags of 100s just so I knew how fast I was going thru them, as long as I could remember when I opened each bag accurately 😆. 2 or 3 times I'd grab a bag and flush them just to make a good snapchat and send it to my two junkies that gave me oxy to begin with so they could be like noooo!

Damn green hulks. What a first 'real drug' to try.

Seriously about the older part though you nailed that on the head. When you're young and in school, you take it for granted. Alcohol helps but being a realist I feel so damn pathetic to resort to that just to socialize at a satisfactory level. Even though the world does it and is okay with it and its "essential". I'm straight. Rather man up and get lucky or some shit one day. Had more fun in clubs before 21 by farrrrrrrr than all the times I went 21+. I think I went more under 21 than over. That's how much more fun I had
 

jhess3993

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Well, loneliness is a killer. I am fortunate to have a lovely girl in my life even though she is incarcerated and all we do is write and talk on the phone. She has given me direction and a reason to get on with my life. I need to take care of her emotionally right now and altogether when she is released. She is my sweet little girl. I will not argue with loneliness being #1. As for #2, I would say inactivity. Getting off dope is just the first step. Then you are at baseline, with your raw emotions, not really knowing what to do. I am there right now.
Inactivity is so hard to overcome when you've been on amphetamines of one form or another for more than three decades. I'm almost fifty. Take away the amp, and I'm incapable of everything, it seems. God I hate this shit! I don't think I'll ever be truly clean. I feel like I've resigned myself to some degree of use so I can function as a human being.
 

jackie jones

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Inactivity is so hard to overcome when you've been on amphetamines of one form or another for more than three decades. I'm almost fifty. Take away the amp, and I'm incapable of everything, it seems. God I hate this shit! I don't think I'll ever be truly clean. I feel like I've resigned myself to some degree of use so I can function as a human being.
It is difficult for people with that specific addiction. There is no medical detox or maintenance drugs, to my knowledge.

Speed is not my forte, but there is lots of information on it here. You will find camaraderie with people with your specific plight. People on both sides of of addiction, active users and those in recovery.

You can stop. It is possible, but that is your decision. Your journey if you choose to take it.

Welcome to Bluelight.
 

Shady's Fox

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I think the addiction it's boredom because that's one of the main reason why people do drugs, not just to drift away but to kill the boredom. Also money.. gettin off dope it's easier, putting your life together it's harder. For me was and still is -- music -- it's beyond words what music have done with me, I own not a life but two to music. So here's what I am saying, find something entertaining and bite it till scorn, you dig.
 

wudbutcher

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Good for you! A girlfriend sure can give one a why. If there's a why, there's a how. I've been with mine for over 4 years now. I tell her almost daily that she is all I have (whether that's a good decision or not). I plan on popping the question soon. My number 1 fear? Nobody showing up on my side of the wedding and I'll just look like some nobody weirdo. With 20 of my family members there and ~200 of her's and her friends. I just don't want to look like that :( but I have to. She is all I have. I'm aware you can get married in court and most have small weddings, etc. My culture doesn't. Huge, lavish weddings. The last one I went to, my cousins in another state on the east side, 960 people. It's not a high score or anything I just overthink so damn much it makes me feel like I have gotten nowhere in life or that at least is what people will make of it. Socially at least. Financially I am fine. Too bad money can't buy money cant buy happiness!

😩Kinda sucks though because you can't talk to your girl what you'd talk to, for example, your guy friends about. It just doesn't work. And when I do she just listens and I hear none of the responses I am expecting back because 1) she will only speak a certain way w/ her boyfriend like any girl should and 2) SHES NOT A GUY

I ordered one of those bikes with the screen and all; I am trying to put in 5 miles a day or so which isn't much but along with a good diet goes a long way. But I have so much longer
Wait, so the no ella above about how lonely you are, yet you have a girlfriend? Omg, whiner alert!
 

KimJungSkill

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Hey there, I just wanted to say that the words you spoke on the OG post absolutely struck me in the heart, mind and soul. I finally feel like I am not alone! When i was young my "friends" used and abused me and my parents charitable nature against us! So as you did I also turned to drugs which seemed to be my only savior outside of constantly being miserable. Not too mention I grew up in a small town in Alaska for 20 years growing up; so it wasn't exactly easy to be around others anyways (Not that anyone wanted to be around me to begin with). In 10th grade I became a home-schooled student because of how i was constantly ridiculed and made out as though i was a worthless waste of a life. This has led me to have a very low amount of self confidence my entire adulthood. But because you said your story well and it's so similar too mine that I'd like to condense my version and get to a point that I hope you receive as a compliment! In 10th grade I started smoking weed everyday, because as I stated before I was finally "free" from the toxic HS i was going to before! I did however make sure to graduate a year early as school always came easy to me. Unfortunately, the times I was at home doing my schooling, were the most important times in a persons life to begin and find themselves and learn how to be comfortable with who you are; not too mention HOW to socialise! So at the age of 17 I moved 12 hours away from home to another town and rented a 3 bedroom house with 3 other of my friends. We began selling drugs of all kinds, and what do you know? All of my friends friends starting treating me like I was the man! I was bankrolling the operation, I had the nice car my parents bought for me (Which I lied and said I owned it in my name lol) and all was "going well". It was all a facade, because from doing oxies went to doing heroin, from doing adderalls to Meth, and 6mg of bars everyday as well (Although I sold most of those). I quickly spired out of control, we got evicted for obvious reasons and that began the stint of about 15 rehabs in total from the ages of 17-24. I Now am in WA state, and I take Suboxone 8mg/d (Which was a massive help when i first tried to get sober) and Vyvanse 60mg/d. The problem is that I've been on the Suboxone so long and the Vyvanse that once my parents threw me a 1 year sober party I knew that it wasn't real. I kind of had a moment of clarity and saw the past year of "Soberiety". Now this is not to say that there hasn't been major positives such as buying my first car on my own! And also living in my own place and paying all my bills which is unheard of for me. Getting back to the moment of clarity (You can tell the Vyvanse from the way I type right? xD) the moment of clarity was that all I did was switch addictions to something that I could pick up every month which pleased the parts of my brain just enough to where I haven't gone and sought drugs since I started the Suboxone. One thing has not changed, I have no friends, oddly enough people at work love me because I work hard and they know that whatever needs to be done no matter how much overtime that they can count on me to get it done. Outside of work, I don't even try to find friends, sexual life is nonexistent and the Suboxone has given me INSANE bowel problems along with my Testosterone levels being below 200 which is just not good. My confidence is sapped (Unless im at work for some reason). I know this is a lot of a ramble and I apologize, I just wanted you to know that you really helped me by being BRAVE and posting your story. It really enforces the thoughts I've had about getting off all the Prescription medicines because they keep me introverted and LONELY. I know my family loves me and is here for me and that means so much to me, however because of my actions in the past it has caused a loop in my life that I keep constantly going around HOPING for change, only recently I sat with my Doctor and we came up with a plan, which will start my 6 month long Suboxone taper, and the Vyvanse will be a cakewalk to get off of it all mental after the first 3 days. I also sat with my parents and told them that I have a childhood friend who lives three hours from where I currently reside, so wen I pay of the last 2 debts I owe which is around 5500 bucks, and then save another 6k to move I will be moving there! When i visted him and his friends 5 months ago, it was like I plugged right in to their group (And they've all known one another for 10+years!!!!) They know my story and that I want to get off Suboxones and all the meds and they constantly message and call at least once a month to see how I am progressing or regressing which has meant the WORLD to me so we can relate on that. I've noticed now that I have stopped hoping for change, im setting up a Short/Medium/Long set of goals that I willingly have the choice take charge and make myself the man I know I can be... WHO I REALLY AM! I think for me I am still learning what the root of my addictions are, and little by little im l'm learning which gives me a leg up each and every time in my mind/soul/spirit! Not too mention ever since making these short/medium/long goals, it has lit a fire under my ass everyday when I wake up. Now when I wake up, there is a clear purpose and Goals to achieve, and since I know it will take around 12 months or so to follow through with all this (Not even including the Suboxone taper) I try and look at each moment to inch closer to the final goal! This has greatly helped my feelings of loneliness and self-loathing, I feel as though I have more energy then I have had in years. I know once the taper starts and it gets low that I will have to be VERY STRONG to make it. I've relied on substances for so many years, and now the piper is about to get paid. I will reap what I sowed, but once that's done and I'm over that hump off the Subs and the Move then I will need to set more goals. I don't know if that might help you? I just want to say again... THANK YOU! YOU ARE A STRONG PERSON, don't let the way these chemicals we take change you like it does to so many! Remember, our brains rewire when we abuse drugs for so long. You're cutting down and so am I, feel free to message me on your progress or even regresses! If you ever hit a roadblock in the process (Talking to myself as well) then just envision the end game. Whatever end goal you set and focus on it, allow yourself to be uncomfortable. These past 2 months every single time I've had some bad moments, I decided to go socialise with someone, even just a "Hey how's your day going?" something so simple but it can be something that changed the outcome of that day for you! You can't create change if you aren't willing to be make yourself uncomfortable. God bless man, I really am looking forward to hearing back from you my friend! STAY STRONG!
 

pah3116

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2
Man,

I don't think there is a miracle answer as to what makes a person addicted to drugs or more likely become an addict. Main reason is I think that the reason is as different from one person to the next as said personalities differ from person to person. Humans as a species can differ so much from one person to the next that for what actually causes one person to choose a life of drugs or leads them to become an addict can actually be the very thing that keeps another person from using or ever trying. Man, I have struggled on and off with alcohol and drugs my entire life. Back and forth I've done this dance from using to sober to recovery to relapse at times with so many different substances at different phases in my life that I've learned that I don't have the answers and that's the only thing I'm actually confident in stating.

Like many people though, I have paid the price over and over again in terms of family, job, freedom, money so many times and lost so much on my life directly because of using that I have to be insane. I'm a damn civil engineer, 37 years old, make over 100k a year and may lose my job next Tuesday depending on whether the court system puts me in time out after getting arrested passed out in my wrecked car after hitting a damn guardrail due to passing out behind the wheel while driving. I had 2 grams of heroin in my pocket when they found me. My life could yet again go up in smoke.

And you know the real fucked up thing is? I still walk around hoping I'll find the secret to living the responsible user life lol. Like that exists. But I continue screwing myself and my life which I worked HARD to get to because like you said, I LOVE DRUGS. Dude, I love to get sit back, let go and get trashed. 30 years I have been wrestling this damn animal of a lifestyle that will either ruin me or I'll finally admit that you can't responsibly live life getting fucked up on dope and that as much as I love the buzz for whatever underlying issue it is for me personally and accept that with some things, you can't have your cake and eat it too. In my case it living a responsible and successful life and using hard drugs. I can't have them both. It's one or the other
 

FuneralFather

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 22, 2019
Messages
1,816
Hello all

I have managed to advent and eliminate some pretty bad habits these past ~5 years. Below are the substances, dosage, duration, and whether I took it recreational/medical.

Xanax - 6MG/day (average) - 2/2.5 years - recreational alongside recreational adderall for about a year of it. 30MG IR 2/day.

Oxycodone - 510MG/day (average. not a typo) - 8 months - recreational obv

Xanax (round 2) - A while after kicking the oxy, a long while, I had so many damn bars left since I would take 2-5 of them a day before and I am the hoarding type ( I usually don't just buy enough I buy enough for the whole block, bad habit I know but just FYI ). So I dug back into them and took these for about 7-9 months. When my stash dwindled down to the last bunch, I figured I am not going to reup on my own. I'm not gonna effin test each and every one with a fent kit. I just wanted out anyways and maybe some real help not just jamming benzos down my throat. So, I told my psychiatrist.

I have also chugged I would say, 6 pints of pharmacy lean I used to buy from a friend once a month (real Wockhardt I would break the seal and toss box and pamphlet myself). I mention the lean so nonchalantly because I had no side effects whatsoever after finishing the bottles. I would usually share with a friend but we would kill a pint in 2 days.

Today I no longer take/buy any pills for fun. Prescriptions only and I cannot wait for the day, God willing, that I can break my tether from them.
Current prescribed:
Gabapentin 3200MG/day - I take 1600 only usually. I have taken 12000mg numerous times before, but you build a tolerance that defeats the entire effect of the medication and besides, your body cannot absorb nearly that much taken at once.
Clonazepam 2MG/day - My taper started at 6MG from my psychiatrist because that is the max that can be prescribed apparently. Down to 2MG in about 6 months; you can probably see by now that, for me, this is actually not much/bad.
Vyvanse 70MG/day - I take it half the month or so.
I eat very clean I don't eat out at all and when I do its steak and greens. I kicked my weed habit, I don't even count that as a drug hence it was not listed. 7-8 years of weed. lots. My lungs started wheezing way too much and I couldn't exercise for long without a nasty, nasty cough. 2 weeks clean let's see how long that lasts.

This entire last week I said eff it and took charge of my taper, I went from 2MG a day to 1MG and held strong. I'm not forgetting my entire life anymore, only half or so. What I fear the MOST of all is relapsing on Oxy. That shit should've never been invented. They couldn't stop at Vicodin? Don't get me wrong. I don't blame big pharma for my problems. These medicines are made for sick people whether it is a pretty bad car accident with serious trauma, surgery, brain cancer, etc. Doctors very carefully distribute meds like these to THOSE people only.

My mind has gotten to a point that I NEED to take pills to have a chance of experiencing any happiness that day. Hence my skepticism in quitting weed for go although I do intend to. It is the weed, and all the other shit I ruined my brain and CNS with that lead to this. No history of addiction at all in my family. I was/am the first.

I don't blame anyone but myself. I always took way too much of anything. When my doctor saw me after the Oxy phase, he told me I was VERY lucky not to be dead or permanently retarded. Nobody of his stature in the medical field had ever used language like that even in front of me to others, let alone directly to me. He followed that up with "It's probably because you're young and didn't take them for too long." I told him I was taking 12 30s a day not 15 too. I declined suboxone. I declined methadone. I word for word told him I want NOTHING I will ever withdraw from again, I am sick and tired of going through withdrawals doctor and this wasn't ANYTHING like mine from the past. I was just over it. He told me I reminded him of his wife's 'all or nothing' personality and how she can't only have one drink (1000000% me). He gave me Trazadone to help sleep. Weakest shit ever; literally feels like you have weights when you stand up. Feels like a cheat code you applied to your body lol, but nonetheless does not put/keep you asleep when cold turkey quitting that much. I didn't sleep for a week.

All in all, some say I am too hard on myself sometimes. That's just me though. The overthinking mothereffing global leader.

I never went to rehab. I stopped by one the last day I took oxy and was briefed about their daily activities which were yoga and a bunch of other stuff at the time I thought was just BS and if I wanted to quit I was quitting. After all, it's not easy to flush 60 30s down the toilet at 3 am. I knew I had no shot in hell at tapering and as scary as what's to come was, I realized I am taking OXYCODONE like WHAT ME SINCE WHEN??? Rushed out of bed, grabbed stash, dropped in the toilet, prayed, flushed. Cost me $5000 minimum. Nobody caught me. Nobody found them. I did that entirely on my own. They would run for 28-42 each pill depending on supply.

Sorry for going all over the place. My mind just has so much to say and nobody to say it to. I always have kept a fairly small circle. I've found it to be less stressful to not care about making everyone happy 247. Time went on, I didn't make the best efforts to keep relationships going. Unfortunately, I had a few friends I did have left: a few borrowed half my life savings (Lambo money) and I wasn't hesitant to hand it over at the time as I went to MIDDLE school with these guys. They asked for more and more and more until they left the country. Once in a while, we talk. The depression from the monetary loss faded over time the same way all materialistic excitements do. The betrayal of it all made me seriously hate humanity and what it's capable of nowadays. I was very fortunate to have that much at that age and I got the wind knocked out of me in my sleep. The others are the fakest human beings on Earth. I know we all are but they are on another level. They're also the ones that gave me Oxy the first time I ever had it (a third of a 15 and 3 Advil to "feel it more"). I could not believe the bliss and anxiety-less state of mind. It took off from there. Anyways, I would always take the best care of them just because I could. Anywhere we would go I wouldn't hesitate to grab the bill or pay for trips/ NFL games you name it. They simply didn't have and fortunately, I did; that's what friends are for, right? They quickly became unappreciative and would use me. They also wouldn't invite me over if they had other people or a party going on at their house. I would see it on social media after not hearing from them for days and see them glorifying their other friends that, for lack of a better explanation, bend them over sideways and give it to them in the ASS compared to me as far as loyalty/friendship goes. I know it's not their job to do so but they were well aware they were the only friends I had. That didn't bother them though. Even though I live right down the street.

It makes me legitimately think all day long and ask myself what is wrong with me? Why is it people bluntly don't like me around them? Then my thoughts start tearing my mind into shreds. They eat me alive. Today, I literally don't have a friend left. I never even need to open my mouth to speak because I am literally that alone. I am blessed in many ways and I am grateful every single day for all I have. However, loneliness becomes overwhelming at times and drowns you more and more until you tap out. You go through stages. At first, I thought eff friends I don't need them anyway. I played some Xbox and cleaned my room 100 times. That got boring quickly. Everything I previously genuinely had an interest in before the substance abuse (but mainly the loneliness), I no longer had any interest in at all. I didn't replace them with other hobbies or things to do either, I just didn't. I get emotional at times and it strikes with volatility like you would not believe. I will literally be watching a movie, alone in bed, and I will see a group of friends on TV or it's a part of the movie that would normally only make a 12-year-old girl cry, I would SOB. I do sob. I shouldn't say I would. I haven't today but I think my mental triggers are -loneliness -the opposite of it (and I am NOT the type to envy, I just can't hold it in after so many years) -anything sad. Whenever I see any of these on TV as pathetic as it sounds waterfalls just pour like they have been waiting and waiting for a decade for my eyes to let them fall. Years ago, when my parents would ask me if any of my friends called me that day, and were looking down and sad when I would say "No? why?". That was when it kicked in. My whole I don't need friends-ego was shattered when I realized I made my own mother sad just by that. I would hear her speak to my father, and with no ill intent, tell him not to bother me at all because I am "always down. Every single time I see him, he is frowning."

I would go back and forth with myself about whether or not I really had these issues. But hearing my parents was the last straw on the hidden camel's back. I collapsed. Where to from here? Do you know how hard it is to make friends nowadays? Even if I could do it, I have severe crippling social anxiety. Even when I try to keep cool, people notice my face ticks, abnormal breathing patterns, and many more I don't want to dive into. This was at work of course and would go on several times a day over a 12 hr shift 5 days a week. Pure torture. I no longer work there because I could not handle the people laughing at me. I would do my best to disguise my issues and make conversation to the best of my ability, but they would literally laugh at me. That's something I do not wish upon my worst enemy. What is wrong with people? Why would you laugh in someone's face every single time you come to the business he works at? Sometimes when there would be a line and I could hear the people waiting talking about me and I could see them in my peripheral vision dissecting my body language, I would have full-on panic attacks and would have to go to the back, if I wasn't working alone of course. You pieces of SHIT couldn't wait till you got to your car? I couldn't take it anymore. They would even speak to the other employees in a language I do not understand although everyone in the room speaks perfect English. My coworkers would respond in a casual tone ( I couldn't understand so the tone is all I had to go off of). The customer would be staring at me while being helped by another and dying of laughter. They would even come in, in groups of 2 or 3 or sometimes 5 or so, and one would nudge the other as soon as they saw who was working (me). Oxy let me free from this all. Confidence and so much more; I was truly happy for the first time since high school.

That is the last thing I want. Some attention wouldn't hurt because nobody ever gives me it. Nobody cares about me. Tearing as I type this out but that's just currently the way it is and I NEED help. I want out. I have thoughts I never in a million years thought I would be having in my entire life. I don't even want to type them out; they're that bad. When the stupid ass day of the year comes around, my birthday, nobody says Happy Birthday to me. Nobody. Not a single text message. I have not celebrated my birthday in a decade. I don't want to. I hate clubs and parties for the most part. Not my thing. I would however appreciate it if just one or two friends from high school spent 5 seconds and sent me a text. A Merry Christmas or a Happy new year! text. I wish I didn't have a birthday. I don't get it. Why am I such an outcast? I reach out and send them nice messages on holidays and whenever else I can think of. They literally do not respond to me at all. Caring, thoughtful, cheesy messages from men to men, and they wouldn't even acknowledge the old friend simply and literally wishing them well. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I'm not a victim of anything. I know this is all on me and my fault one way or another.


Well, I think I need to find my underlying issues because that's all I read everywhere to "stay clean" and I don't know what they are for the life of me. Hence my blurting out the first 50 problems off the top of my head to sort of let you all try to make an educated guess, given the info you've been, about what my underlying issues are. I know for a fact one of my issues is loneliness. That scores points all across the board as far as life problems/stressors. As far as addiction goes, #1 I am going to go ahead and go with loneliness. Does anybody know what #2 would be? Any advice at all is much appreciated. I have nothing to lose at this point. Be safe.
Happy Belated Birthday. We love you!
 
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