ADHDMY4SS
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 1, 2018
- Messages
- 86
Hello all
I have managed to advent and eliminate some pretty bad habits these past ~5 years. Below are the substances, dosage, duration, and whether I took it recreational/medical.
Xanax - 6MG/day (average) - 2/2.5 years - recreational alongside recreational adderall for about a year of it. 30MG IR 2/day.
Oxycodone - 510MG/day (average. not a typo) - 8 months - recreational obv
Xanax (round 2) - A while after kicking the oxy, a long while, I had so many damn bars left since I would take 2-5 of them a day before and I am the hoarding type ( I usually don't just buy enough I buy enough for the whole block, bad habit I know but just FYI ). So I dug back into them and took these for about 7-9 months. When my stash dwindled down to the last bunch, I figured I am not going to reup on my own. I'm not gonna effin test each and every one with a fent kit. I just wanted out anyways and maybe some real help not just jamming benzos down my throat. So, I told my psychiatrist.
I have also chugged I would say, 6 pints of pharmacy lean I used to buy from a friend once a month (real Wockhardt I would break the seal and toss box and pamphlet myself). I mention the lean so nonchalantly because I had no side effects whatsoever after finishing the bottles. I would usually share with a friend but we would kill a pint in 2 days.
Today I no longer take/buy any pills for fun. Prescriptions only and I cannot wait for the day, God willing, that I can break my tether from them.
Current prescribed:
Gabapentin 3200MG/day - I take 1600 only usually. I have taken 12000mg numerous times before, but you build a tolerance that defeats the entire effect of the medication and besides, your body cannot absorb nearly that much taken at once.
Clonazepam 2MG/day - My taper started at 6MG from my psychiatrist because that is the max that can be prescribed apparently. Down to 2MG in about 6 months; you can probably see by now that, for me, this is actually not much/bad.
Vyvanse 70MG/day - I take it half the month or so.
I eat very clean I don't eat out at all and when I do its steak and greens. I kicked my weed habit, I don't even count that as a drug hence it was not listed. 7-8 years of weed. lots. My lungs started wheezing way too much and I couldn't exercise for long without a nasty, nasty cough. 2 weeks clean let's see how long that lasts.
This entire last week I said eff it and took charge of my taper, I went from 2MG a day to 1MG and held strong. I'm not forgetting my entire life anymore, only half or so. What I fear the MOST of all is relapsing on Oxy. That shit should've never been invented. They couldn't stop at Vicodin? Don't get me wrong. I don't blame big pharma for my problems. These medicines are made for sick people whether it is a pretty bad car accident with serious trauma, surgery, brain cancer, etc. Doctors very carefully distribute meds like these to THOSE people only.
My mind has gotten to a point that I NEED to take pills to have a chance of experiencing any happiness that day. Hence my skepticism in quitting weed for go although I do intend to. It is the weed, and all the other shit I ruined my brain and CNS with that lead to this. No history of addiction at all in my family. I was/am the first.
I don't blame anyone but myself. I always took way too much of anything. When my doctor saw me after the Oxy phase, he told me I was VERY lucky not to be dead or permanently retarded. Nobody of his stature in the medical field had ever used language like that even in front of me to others, let alone directly to me. He followed that up with "It's probably because you're young and didn't take them for too long." I told him I was taking 12 30s a day not 15 too. I declined suboxone. I declined methadone. I word for word told him I want NOTHING I will ever withdraw from again, I am sick and tired of going through withdrawals doctor and this wasn't ANYTHING like mine from the past. I was just over it. He told me I reminded him of his wife's 'all or nothing' personality and how she can't only have one drink (1000000% me). He gave me Trazadone to help sleep. Weakest shit ever; literally feels like you have weights when you stand up. Feels like a cheat code you applied to your body lol, but nonetheless does not put/keep you asleep when cold turkey quitting that much. I didn't sleep for a week.
All in all, some say I am too hard on myself sometimes. That's just me though. The overthinking mothereffing global leader.
I never went to rehab. I stopped by one the last day I took oxy and was briefed about their daily activities which were yoga and a bunch of other stuff at the time I thought was just BS and if I wanted to quit I was quitting. After all, it's not easy to flush 60 30s down the toilet at 3 am. I knew I had no shot in hell at tapering and as scary as what's to come was, I realized I am taking OXYCODONE like WHAT ME SINCE WHEN??? Rushed out of bed, grabbed stash, dropped in the toilet, prayed, flushed. Cost me $5000 minimum. Nobody caught me. Nobody found them. I did that entirely on my own. They would run for 28-42 each pill depending on supply.
Sorry for going all over the place. My mind just has so much to say and nobody to say it to. I always have kept a fairly small circle. I've found it to be less stressful to not care about making everyone happy 247. Time went on, I didn't make the best efforts to keep relationships going. Unfortunately, I had a few friends I did have left: a few borrowed half my life savings (Lambo money) and I wasn't hesitant to hand it over at the time as I went to MIDDLE school with these guys. They asked for more and more and more until they left the country. Once in a while, we talk. The depression from the monetary loss faded over time the same way all materialistic excitements do. The betrayal of it all made me seriously hate humanity and what it's capable of nowadays. I was very fortunate to have that much at that age and I got the wind knocked out of me in my sleep. The others are the fakest human beings on Earth. I know we all are but they are on another level. They're also the ones that gave me Oxy the first time I ever had it (a third of a 15 and 3 Advil to "feel it more"). I could not believe the bliss and anxiety-less state of mind. It took off from there. Anyways, I would always take the best care of them just because I could. Anywhere we would go I wouldn't hesitate to grab the bill or pay for trips/ NFL games you name it. They simply didn't have and fortunately, I did; that's what friends are for, right? They quickly became unappreciative and would use me. They also wouldn't invite me over if they had other people or a party going on at their house. I would see it on social media after not hearing from them for days and see them glorifying their other friends that, for lack of a better explanation, bend them over sideways and give it to them in the ASS compared to me as far as loyalty/friendship goes. I know it's not their job to do so but they were well aware they were the only friends I had. That didn't bother them though. Even though I live right down the street.
It makes me legitimately think all day long and ask myself what is wrong with me? Why is it people bluntly don't like me around them? Then my thoughts start tearing my mind into shreds. They eat me alive. Today, I literally don't have a friend left. I never even need to open my mouth to speak because I am literally that alone. I am blessed in many ways and I am grateful every single day for all I have. However, loneliness becomes overwhelming at times and drowns you more and more until you tap out. You go through stages. At first, I thought eff friends I don't need them anyway. I played some Xbox and cleaned my room 100 times. That got boring quickly. Everything I previously genuinely had an interest in before the substance abuse (but mainly the loneliness), I no longer had any interest in at all. I didn't replace them with other hobbies or things to do either, I just didn't. I get emotional at times and it strikes with volatility like you would not believe. I will literally be watching a movie, alone in bed, and I will see a group of friends on TV or it's a part of the movie that would normally only make a 12-year-old girl cry, I would SOB. I do sob. I shouldn't say I would. I haven't today but I think my mental triggers are -loneliness -the opposite of it (and I am NOT the type to envy, I just can't hold it in after so many years) -anything sad. Whenever I see any of these on TV as pathetic as it sounds waterfalls just pour like they have been waiting and waiting for a decade for my eyes to let them fall. Years ago, when my parents would ask me if any of my friends called me that day, and were looking down and sad when I would say "No? why?". That was when it kicked in. My whole I don't need friends-ego was shattered when I realized I made my own mother sad just by that. I would hear her speak to my father, and with no ill intent, tell him not to bother me at all because I am "always down. Every single time I see him, he is frowning."
I would go back and forth with myself about whether or not I really had these issues. But hearing my parents was the last straw on the hidden camel's back. I collapsed. Where to from here? Do you know how hard it is to make friends nowadays? Even if I could do it, I have severe crippling social anxiety. Even when I try to keep cool, people notice my face ticks, abnormal breathing patterns, and many more I don't want to dive into. This was at work of course and would go on several times a day over a 12 hr shift 5 days a week. Pure torture. I no longer work there because I could not handle the people laughing at me. I would do my best to disguise my issues and make conversation to the best of my ability, but they would literally laugh at me. That's something I do not wish upon my worst enemy. What is wrong with people? Why would you laugh in someone's face every single time you come to the business he works at? Sometimes when there would be a line and I could hear the people waiting talking about me and I could see them in my peripheral vision dissecting my body language, I would have full-on panic attacks and would have to go to the back, if I wasn't working alone of course. You pieces of SHIT couldn't wait till you got to your car? I couldn't take it anymore. They would even speak to the other employees in a language I do not understand although everyone in the room speaks perfect English. My coworkers would respond in a casual tone ( I couldn't understand so the tone is all I had to go off of). The customer would be staring at me while being helped by another and dying of laughter. They would even come in, in groups of 2 or 3 or sometimes 5 or so, and one would nudge the other as soon as they saw who was working (me). Oxy let me free from this all. Confidence and so much more; I was truly happy for the first time since high school.
That is the last thing I want. Some attention wouldn't hurt because nobody ever gives me it. Nobody cares about me. Tearing as I type this out but that's just currently the way it is and I NEED help. I want out. I have thoughts I never in a million years thought I would be having in my entire life. I don't even want to type them out; they're that bad. When the stupid ass day of the year comes around, my birthday, nobody says Happy Birthday to me. Nobody. Not a single text message. I have not celebrated my birthday in a decade. I don't want to. I hate clubs and parties for the most part. Not my thing. I would however appreciate it if just one or two friends from high school spent 5 seconds and sent me a text. A Merry Christmas or a Happy new year! text. I wish I didn't have a birthday. I don't get it. Why am I such an outcast? I reach out and send them nice messages on holidays and whenever else I can think of. They literally do not respond to me at all. Caring, thoughtful, cheesy messages from men to men, and they wouldn't even acknowledge the old friend simply and literally wishing them well. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I'm not a victim of anything. I know this is all on me and my fault one way or another.
Well, I think I need to find my underlying issues because that's all I read everywhere to "stay clean" and I don't know what they are for the life of me. Hence my blurting out the first 50 problems off the top of my head to sort of let you all try to make an educated guess, given the info you've been, about what my underlying issues are. I know for a fact one of my issues is loneliness. That scores points all across the board as far as life problems/stressors. As far as addiction goes, #1 I am going to go ahead and go with loneliness. Does anybody know what #2 would be? Any advice at all is much appreciated. I have nothing to lose at this point. Be safe.
I have managed to advent and eliminate some pretty bad habits these past ~5 years. Below are the substances, dosage, duration, and whether I took it recreational/medical.
Xanax - 6MG/day (average) - 2/2.5 years - recreational alongside recreational adderall for about a year of it. 30MG IR 2/day.
Oxycodone - 510MG/day (average. not a typo) - 8 months - recreational obv
Xanax (round 2) - A while after kicking the oxy, a long while, I had so many damn bars left since I would take 2-5 of them a day before and I am the hoarding type ( I usually don't just buy enough I buy enough for the whole block, bad habit I know but just FYI ). So I dug back into them and took these for about 7-9 months. When my stash dwindled down to the last bunch, I figured I am not going to reup on my own. I'm not gonna effin test each and every one with a fent kit. I just wanted out anyways and maybe some real help not just jamming benzos down my throat. So, I told my psychiatrist.
I have also chugged I would say, 6 pints of pharmacy lean I used to buy from a friend once a month (real Wockhardt I would break the seal and toss box and pamphlet myself). I mention the lean so nonchalantly because I had no side effects whatsoever after finishing the bottles. I would usually share with a friend but we would kill a pint in 2 days.
Today I no longer take/buy any pills for fun. Prescriptions only and I cannot wait for the day, God willing, that I can break my tether from them.
Current prescribed:
Gabapentin 3200MG/day - I take 1600 only usually. I have taken 12000mg numerous times before, but you build a tolerance that defeats the entire effect of the medication and besides, your body cannot absorb nearly that much taken at once.
Clonazepam 2MG/day - My taper started at 6MG from my psychiatrist because that is the max that can be prescribed apparently. Down to 2MG in about 6 months; you can probably see by now that, for me, this is actually not much/bad.
Vyvanse 70MG/day - I take it half the month or so.
I eat very clean I don't eat out at all and when I do its steak and greens. I kicked my weed habit, I don't even count that as a drug hence it was not listed. 7-8 years of weed. lots. My lungs started wheezing way too much and I couldn't exercise for long without a nasty, nasty cough. 2 weeks clean let's see how long that lasts.
This entire last week I said eff it and took charge of my taper, I went from 2MG a day to 1MG and held strong. I'm not forgetting my entire life anymore, only half or so. What I fear the MOST of all is relapsing on Oxy. That shit should've never been invented. They couldn't stop at Vicodin? Don't get me wrong. I don't blame big pharma for my problems. These medicines are made for sick people whether it is a pretty bad car accident with serious trauma, surgery, brain cancer, etc. Doctors very carefully distribute meds like these to THOSE people only.
My mind has gotten to a point that I NEED to take pills to have a chance of experiencing any happiness that day. Hence my skepticism in quitting weed for go although I do intend to. It is the weed, and all the other shit I ruined my brain and CNS with that lead to this. No history of addiction at all in my family. I was/am the first.
I don't blame anyone but myself. I always took way too much of anything. When my doctor saw me after the Oxy phase, he told me I was VERY lucky not to be dead or permanently retarded. Nobody of his stature in the medical field had ever used language like that even in front of me to others, let alone directly to me. He followed that up with "It's probably because you're young and didn't take them for too long." I told him I was taking 12 30s a day not 15 too. I declined suboxone. I declined methadone. I word for word told him I want NOTHING I will ever withdraw from again, I am sick and tired of going through withdrawals doctor and this wasn't ANYTHING like mine from the past. I was just over it. He told me I reminded him of his wife's 'all or nothing' personality and how she can't only have one drink (1000000% me). He gave me Trazadone to help sleep. Weakest shit ever; literally feels like you have weights when you stand up. Feels like a cheat code you applied to your body lol, but nonetheless does not put/keep you asleep when cold turkey quitting that much. I didn't sleep for a week.
All in all, some say I am too hard on myself sometimes. That's just me though. The overthinking mothereffing global leader.
I never went to rehab. I stopped by one the last day I took oxy and was briefed about their daily activities which were yoga and a bunch of other stuff at the time I thought was just BS and if I wanted to quit I was quitting. After all, it's not easy to flush 60 30s down the toilet at 3 am. I knew I had no shot in hell at tapering and as scary as what's to come was, I realized I am taking OXYCODONE like WHAT ME SINCE WHEN??? Rushed out of bed, grabbed stash, dropped in the toilet, prayed, flushed. Cost me $5000 minimum. Nobody caught me. Nobody found them. I did that entirely on my own. They would run for 28-42 each pill depending on supply.
Sorry for going all over the place. My mind just has so much to say and nobody to say it to. I always have kept a fairly small circle. I've found it to be less stressful to not care about making everyone happy 247. Time went on, I didn't make the best efforts to keep relationships going. Unfortunately, I had a few friends I did have left: a few borrowed half my life savings (Lambo money) and I wasn't hesitant to hand it over at the time as I went to MIDDLE school with these guys. They asked for more and more and more until they left the country. Once in a while, we talk. The depression from the monetary loss faded over time the same way all materialistic excitements do. The betrayal of it all made me seriously hate humanity and what it's capable of nowadays. I was very fortunate to have that much at that age and I got the wind knocked out of me in my sleep. The others are the fakest human beings on Earth. I know we all are but they are on another level. They're also the ones that gave me Oxy the first time I ever had it (a third of a 15 and 3 Advil to "feel it more"). I could not believe the bliss and anxiety-less state of mind. It took off from there. Anyways, I would always take the best care of them just because I could. Anywhere we would go I wouldn't hesitate to grab the bill or pay for trips/ NFL games you name it. They simply didn't have and fortunately, I did; that's what friends are for, right? They quickly became unappreciative and would use me. They also wouldn't invite me over if they had other people or a party going on at their house. I would see it on social media after not hearing from them for days and see them glorifying their other friends that, for lack of a better explanation, bend them over sideways and give it to them in the ASS compared to me as far as loyalty/friendship goes. I know it's not their job to do so but they were well aware they were the only friends I had. That didn't bother them though. Even though I live right down the street.
It makes me legitimately think all day long and ask myself what is wrong with me? Why is it people bluntly don't like me around them? Then my thoughts start tearing my mind into shreds. They eat me alive. Today, I literally don't have a friend left. I never even need to open my mouth to speak because I am literally that alone. I am blessed in many ways and I am grateful every single day for all I have. However, loneliness becomes overwhelming at times and drowns you more and more until you tap out. You go through stages. At first, I thought eff friends I don't need them anyway. I played some Xbox and cleaned my room 100 times. That got boring quickly. Everything I previously genuinely had an interest in before the substance abuse (but mainly the loneliness), I no longer had any interest in at all. I didn't replace them with other hobbies or things to do either, I just didn't. I get emotional at times and it strikes with volatility like you would not believe. I will literally be watching a movie, alone in bed, and I will see a group of friends on TV or it's a part of the movie that would normally only make a 12-year-old girl cry, I would SOB. I do sob. I shouldn't say I would. I haven't today but I think my mental triggers are -loneliness -the opposite of it (and I am NOT the type to envy, I just can't hold it in after so many years) -anything sad. Whenever I see any of these on TV as pathetic as it sounds waterfalls just pour like they have been waiting and waiting for a decade for my eyes to let them fall. Years ago, when my parents would ask me if any of my friends called me that day, and were looking down and sad when I would say "No? why?". That was when it kicked in. My whole I don't need friends-ego was shattered when I realized I made my own mother sad just by that. I would hear her speak to my father, and with no ill intent, tell him not to bother me at all because I am "always down. Every single time I see him, he is frowning."
I would go back and forth with myself about whether or not I really had these issues. But hearing my parents was the last straw on the hidden camel's back. I collapsed. Where to from here? Do you know how hard it is to make friends nowadays? Even if I could do it, I have severe crippling social anxiety. Even when I try to keep cool, people notice my face ticks, abnormal breathing patterns, and many more I don't want to dive into. This was at work of course and would go on several times a day over a 12 hr shift 5 days a week. Pure torture. I no longer work there because I could not handle the people laughing at me. I would do my best to disguise my issues and make conversation to the best of my ability, but they would literally laugh at me. That's something I do not wish upon my worst enemy. What is wrong with people? Why would you laugh in someone's face every single time you come to the business he works at? Sometimes when there would be a line and I could hear the people waiting talking about me and I could see them in my peripheral vision dissecting my body language, I would have full-on panic attacks and would have to go to the back, if I wasn't working alone of course. You pieces of SHIT couldn't wait till you got to your car? I couldn't take it anymore. They would even speak to the other employees in a language I do not understand although everyone in the room speaks perfect English. My coworkers would respond in a casual tone ( I couldn't understand so the tone is all I had to go off of). The customer would be staring at me while being helped by another and dying of laughter. They would even come in, in groups of 2 or 3 or sometimes 5 or so, and one would nudge the other as soon as they saw who was working (me). Oxy let me free from this all. Confidence and so much more; I was truly happy for the first time since high school.
That is the last thing I want. Some attention wouldn't hurt because nobody ever gives me it. Nobody cares about me. Tearing as I type this out but that's just currently the way it is and I NEED help. I want out. I have thoughts I never in a million years thought I would be having in my entire life. I don't even want to type them out; they're that bad. When the stupid ass day of the year comes around, my birthday, nobody says Happy Birthday to me. Nobody. Not a single text message. I have not celebrated my birthday in a decade. I don't want to. I hate clubs and parties for the most part. Not my thing. I would however appreciate it if just one or two friends from high school spent 5 seconds and sent me a text. A Merry Christmas or a Happy new year! text. I wish I didn't have a birthday. I don't get it. Why am I such an outcast? I reach out and send them nice messages on holidays and whenever else I can think of. They literally do not respond to me at all. Caring, thoughtful, cheesy messages from men to men, and they wouldn't even acknowledge the old friend simply and literally wishing them well. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I'm not a victim of anything. I know this is all on me and my fault one way or another.
Well, I think I need to find my underlying issues because that's all I read everywhere to "stay clean" and I don't know what they are for the life of me. Hence my blurting out the first 50 problems off the top of my head to sort of let you all try to make an educated guess, given the info you've been, about what my underlying issues are. I know for a fact one of my issues is loneliness. That scores points all across the board as far as life problems/stressors. As far as addiction goes, #1 I am going to go ahead and go with loneliness. Does anybody know what #2 would be? Any advice at all is much appreciated. I have nothing to lose at this point. Be safe.
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but I have to. She is all I have. I'm aware you can get married in court and most have small weddings, etc. My culture doesn't. Huge, lavish weddings. The last one I went to, my cousins in another state on the east side, 960 people. It's not a high score or anything I just overthink so damn much it makes me feel like I have gotten nowhere in life or that at least is what people will make of it. Socially at least. Financially I am fine. Too bad money can't buy money cant buy happiness!
Kinda sucks though because you can't talk to your girl what you'd talk to, for example, your guy friends about. It just doesn't work. And when I do she just listens and I hear none of the responses I am expecting back because 1) she will only speak a certain way w/ her boyfriend like any girl should and 2) SHES NOT A GUY
. 2 or 3 times I'd grab a bag and flush them just to make a good snapchat and send it to my two junkies that gave me oxy to begin with so they could be like noooo!
