Lost Crippling loneliness, no friends in real life

[dopamimetic]

Add in the anxiety and some healthy anger about injustice that would make me not thinking a second about stealing from big companies or overly rich people as long as it had no penalty but otherwise it's the same here. I gave away much too much, much too easy but wouldn't mind that as long as I had enough for myself. What I regret is not having made more out of it so I could make more little changes because that's what would make me happy besides drugs - to change things for the better and to make others happy. Some call this weak and would love to know how it feels to be that way, I never understood how you can be at a position where you have real power and not use it for anything besides to get more power, or money which is the same (I don't speak about somebody like your local politician, they need to play the game or they'll be out before tomorrow. Agreed that this might apply to more people than is obvious.)

Problem is that it turns against you when others just move on and give nothing back when you need it. I've seen more 'nice' people building walls around themselves because of bad experiences and some kind of bitterness than those who remain happy but maybe I'm biased.

Shouldn't forget that I my perspective to society is mostly from the outside and things can be very different dependent on the individual position. Given just enough detailed information I can comprehend much of human behavior, it follows its own kind of logic but much of it feels wrong and not worth the emotional price to pay for.

 

[Flower Fairy]

Problem is that when you ever admitted to having used any drugs, even without addiction, you get labeled as an addict and separated from the non-addicts

Exactly why I don't tell therapists if drug use, sorry I only just noticed this thread

I'll read it all properly when my anxiety gets better as not took anything today, but you know you have me as your cyber friend

 

[Jabberwocky]

Man, you see, you're totally focused on the fact that a drug is a positive tool for you to circumvent your problem, since it optimizes your performance by decreasing your anxiety, which I can believe it is true sometimes. In this regard, you are looking for different drugs, since the old ones are no longer working, because for you is almost unimaginable to go further without the walking stick

As a consequence, you are not facing your problems, you're trying to go through them blind, drugged, why? Fear of rejection, that's your main thing, because rejection hurts. You need to train your behavior both to surpass your anxiety and to get rid of the fear of rejection, because rejection will happen to you many times until you reach an improved point in your situation

I second this. The main reasons benzos are hard to obtain long term is many doctors want you facing your fears and insecurities. Using drugs, like me and you are both doing does nothing but put that feeling back a little bit. I can’t tell you to stop being dependent on opioids and substance myself. But I would ask of you, maybe slow down on dissos you can’t get a license doing that shit, I would start with what you can fix at this immediate moment. A license will give you the ability to make appointments to go to therapy. Even if you have to borrow a car, or ride bus systems or Uber it would give yourself something to be proud of. As far as friends go, patience is a virtue. A large friend group does nothing for feelings of being alone. Many celebrities with tons of “friends” suffer the same way we are. And many of them say you can be in a crowd of people and still feel alone. I think it’s important for you to not feel alone, many of the people you see with “friends” are with people that see benefit in the other person, they mask that by saying they are friends but really those people are just people who know each other and got similar interest. Begin work on yourself. We have awesome people on here that can help direct you in that regard. And find something that makes you happy. A talent, a hobby you’ll be amazed aT all the opportunities that can present themselves when your making a better life for yourself and not getting high all day which I doubt you are. But your preoccupation with drugs making you a better person is a mirage. That is all your neurochemistry the drugs just trigger it. Find something that makes you feel happy and confident without being high and the rest will fall into place especially if you authentically listen to advice given on here. Pm me you’re never alone. Bluelight loves you

 

[dopamimetic]

I second this. The main reasons benzos are hard to obtain long term is many doctors want you facing your fears and insecurities. Using drugs, like me and you are both doing does nothing but put that feeling back a little bit. I can’t tell you to stop being dependent on opioids and substance myself.

Actually I agree with much of your post, it's true that feeling lonely and being alone are two very different things. Took a while to believe it but I know that you can have many friends and feel lost or have just one, two buddys and feel good. Some people decide to live as hermit and are happy with that but I guess this requires being at peace with oneself and can well be refusing society but is probably antagonistic with the belief of being refused by people as a whole. I wouldn't care about having few friends or even none at all if I wouldn't care about it (lol) and the reason I do is because I believe to be rejected by humanity with some positive exceptions instead of the healthy opposite. This is kinda hard to change because it's reality that you'll always get more rejection than the opposite and probably lies in the first experiences with other children which were me vs the group.

I happen to dislike benzos for the reason you mentioned (and their cognitive fog, but what's the point in countering social anxiety if they make you lethargic the same time). Opioids feel too good but they come with the same pale after taste, the time I was on them gave me some rest but it was mostly wasted. Dissos in lower dose made me actively work on myself - granted, a part of that goes lost but I believe they could make good therapy aids to catalyze exposition therapy. Nothing better than to make positive experiences in the real life, controlled clinical settings are inferior. I'd love to be able to do sober, and I see that things got kinda lost when I abused them* to get over the breakup with my ex - I blame the circumstances for, but again I see, nobody can change them so only choice is to change myself. I feel positive about that, then let some days without human contact pass and things grow to mountains.

Guess it's a reality that addiction is a downward spiral in that you do stupid shit while high and need to get higher to forget about it. I am there.
Need to accept that I won't have more than social support even if I find work for the next like 7-10 years min. and license needs to wait - used to be mad at this and myself, then thought to have accepted it but that's not entirely true, it adds to feel inferior and guilty for myself.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Actually I agree with much of your post, it's true that feeling lonely and being alone are two very different things. Took a while to believe it but I know that you can have many friends and feel lost or have just one, two buddys and feel good. Some people decide to live as hermit and are happy with that but I guess this requires being at peace with oneself and can well be refusing society but is probably antagonistic with the belief of being refused by people as a whole. I wouldn't care about having few friends or even none at all if I wouldn't care about it (lol) and the reason I do is because I believe to be rejected by humanity with some positive exceptions instead of the healthy opposite. This is kinda hard to change because it's reality that you'll always get more rejection than the opposite and probably lies in the first experiences with other children which were me vs the group.

I happen to dislike benzos for the reason you mentioned (and their cognitive fog, but what's the point in countering social anxiety if they make you lethargic the same time). Opioids feel too good but they come with the same pale after taste, the time I was on them gave me some rest but it was mostly wasted. Dissos in lower dose made me actively work on myself - granted, a part of that goes lost but I believe they could make good therapy aids to catalyze exposition therapy. Nothing better than to make positive experiences in the real life, controlled clinical settings are inferior. I'd love to be able to do sober, and I see that things got kinda lost when I abused them* to get over the breakup with my ex - I blame the circumstances for, but again I see, nobody can change them so only choice is to change myself. I feel positive about that, then let some days without human contact pass and things grow to mountains.

Guess it's a reality that addiction is a downward spiral in that you do stupid shit while high and need to get higher to forget about it. I am there.
Need to accept that I won't have more than social support even if I find work for the next like 7-10 years min. and license needs to wait - used to be mad at this and myself, then thought to have accepted it but that's not entirely true, it adds to feel inferior and guilty for myself.

I’m wondering and I’m not really suggesting you try this but if adderall could help with that. I just know that it gave me the ability to focus and boosted my confidence tremendously. Even then shittiest things I could face And say whatever. I just wouldn’t look at things so dismal. All in all, all you really have is yourself. I’m sorry to seem so depressing ive just been there and done that with “friends” and they are never around when you need them. Sometimes if you lead with your heart you end up in shittier spots then when you think with your head. It’s the same as a post I read a while back about not being able to get laid. I usually wanna shake the OP until they see it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I’ve had pussy friends dope and money and tbh none of them were there to pick me up when I got out of rehab. None of them were there when I got stuck 6 hours away. Family was though. Do you have a good family support or is it like mine you got one or two people you can sometimes count on?

 

[Jabberwocky]

I will say you never know what’s around the corner. You say you won’t have social support for 7-10 max. And shit you don’t know if you’ll win the lottery or an inheritance no one knew about. Let’s see if your friendless then haha

 

[jose ribas da silva]

Money talks

 

[Jabberwocky]

Money talks

Oh that it does. If my boy/girl whatever OP is was a millionaire, I doubt this post would of ever been conceived. But I just wanted to point out you never know what could happen OP for all we know we are talking to the next big thing. Just don’t forget I was here when you make it lol

 

[Jabberwocky]

Pardon me. I’m just trying to humor OP and myself outta the funk we are in

 

[jose ribas da silva]

Being a millionaire, at least, one can pay some prostitutes, like the most beautiful ones, hang out with them in a nightclub drinking champagne and snorting high quality cocaine, after that, sex and that is, one can even share some problems with her, pretending she's a friend, life would be beautiful

 

[Jabberwocky]

Being a millionaire, at least, one can pay some prostitutes, like the most beautiful ones, hang out with them in a nightclub drinking champagne and snorting high quality cocaine, after that, sex and that is, one can even share some problems with her, pretending she's a friend, life would be beautiful

If I was a millionaire. I’d be alone in a room with a couple kilos And I’d never allow anyone in there but you guys. Haha I do gotta admit there are some call girls that people pay just to bitch to haha that would be me.

 

[karrotx]

I have heavy social anxiety and low self esteem, used low-dose dissociatives to mask both with at least more success than any other treatment attempt had by far, including pharmaceuticals and psychotherapy but of course masking these things is a double edged sword which turns against me now as I can't continue use at the moment due to some circumstances like RCs being gray area and corona-related controls etc. Lost much money and perspective because of legal percussions already.

On top of that I lost my home because the owner found out about my drug use and threatened me with police more than once, knowing that he'd fuck me up completely ... I understand him but he doesn't understand me and so in an impulse I refused to pay him what I owe him about rent so he kicked me of course. Have a messed up credit score because of fucking health insurance who decided to fuck me up.

So I don't even know where to start, even if I could make friends which I never was good in. I have no real papers so won't get a job anytime soon and of course now I'm running out of money so things are very limited.

My only contacts are online and even there isn't much as all the people seem to have got their real life, some few I had on and off went mostly away when they found RL friends or partners. When on disso I can cope much better with being alone but now I could just cry sometimes and feel restless, yet without energy and crave for social interaction as well as for dissociatives ...

In the past I neglected it to make friends because I am overly afraid of refusal and cause of bad experiences in the past which both made me enjoy the euphoria mostly for myself and chatting with online people, watching movies, listening to music etc.. I also have kind of ADD or whatever which makes me avoid crowds, I'm much better at talking one to one but these situations need to be initiated. Being a male this means that I have to do that and I'm notoriously bad, the anxiety and tension makes me look and act awkward at the beginning and who wants to get in contact with a lone, awkward freak?

I must first say that I am blown away by how much I can relate with your post. I feel like I could have written it myself. Only difference being that I really don't have any friends online or otherwise. Oh yeah and I'm working part time, but it's definitely a major uphill battle to go each shift. Most days I have to wrestle with feelings of inadequacy and inability to properly express myself. I feel like there is some sort of invisible force holding me back in life and no matter how hard I try things never seem to get any better. Getting anything accomplished is extremely difficult and mentally taxing that I can only accomplish small tasks slowly. Something that has helped me is remembering that making any positive progress is indeed making progress, no matter how insignificant it may seem at the time.

I wish there was some magical cure all for all these problems, but sadly there is not. I think it's important to remember that doing your best is all you can do. Your best is all you can offer and that's alright. After all that's what everyone else is doing in life. I think it can be depressing when we try to compare ourselves to other people. I know it's easier said then done, but if you can manage not to compare yourself to others then you will feel a lot better about life. Just remember that you are not them, they have not experienced the things you have in life, so it's not appropriate to compare the two.

I feel like I'm ranting so I'll wrap this up and say that you're not alone in all of this stuff. Keep persevering even when things seem to be getting impossibly difficult. I think it would be very very helpful if you were to get back to work. While I was out of work for a out a year and a half, I found myself getting very depressed and hating life. Going back to work was the best thing for my mental health because it changed things up drastically. I was actually leaving the house and socializing with people because it became necessary for my job. Give it a shot!

 

[Jabberwocky]

I must first say that I am blown away by how much I can relate with your post. I feel like I could have written it myself. Only difference being that I really don't have any friends online or otherwise. Oh yeah and I'm working part time, but it's definitely a major uphill battle to go each shift. Most days I have to wrestle with feelings of inadequacy and inability to properly express myself. I feel like there is some sort of invisible force holding me back in life and no matter how hard I try things never seem to get any better. Getting anything accomplished is extremely difficult and mentally taxing that I can only accomplish small tasks slowly. Something that has helped me is remembering that making any positive progress is indeed making progress, no matter how insignificant it may seem at the time.

I wish there was some magical cure all for all these problems, but sadly there is not. I think it's important to remember that doing your best is all you can do. Your best is all you can offer and that's alright. After all that's what everyone else is doing in life. I think it can be depressing when we try to compare ourselves to other people. I know it's easier said then done, but if you can manage not to compare yourself to others then you will feel a lot better about life. Just remember that you are not them, they have not experienced the things you have in life, so it's not appropriate to compare the two.

I feel like I'm ranting so I'll wrap this up and say that you're not alone in all of this stuff. Keep persevering even when things seem to be getting impossibly difficult. I think it would be very very helpful if you were to get back to work. While I was out of work for a out a year and a half, I found myself getting very depressed and hating life. Going back to work was the best thing for my mental health because it changed things up drastically. I was actually leaving the house and socializing with people because it became necessary for my job. Give it a shot!

No your fine! We need constructive conversations like this! I like your optimism and ima keep this on watch that way when I feel down I can come back to this message

 

[dopamimetic]

@karrotx Exactly, it's like an invisible force - together with some relevant part of myself being missing or deeply locked down. First times on deschloroket felt indeed like magic, as if all the locks would have gone and that force became usable, controllable energy. Very different from benzos or alc where you do weird shit before you get used to them. On the very first few doses I talked to strangers which weren't aware and probably also wouldn't have condoned my drug use but the reactions were excitingly positive not negative. As mentioned, I got phone numbers and one I met again, another one would have agreed if I had followed up. As this was a controllable thing I didn't chat up completely random but people who signaled before through repeated eye contact at least but I just fail to remain calm enough when sober to do anything in this direction. I'm too nervous to notice these tiny signals. But realize I'm talking about drugs again. It's a double edged thing, such experiences can make me very positive but also heavily add to frustration because life doesn't like too big of a step at once.

@FuneralFather It's something I have thought often about, how money or power would change me. As we see, it doesn't even require big amounts of them and this might be the culprit that you go through these 'protective' changes, not to give away the little you reached etc., long before you reach a stage where you could share again without risking much. Richness attracts many beggars, and many of them don't really need what they desire, and the really rich ones are very busy and usually have a bunch of guardians who will kick you out - still I'm left with feelings of wrong, not focusing on money which is just numbers but all the little things. Don't know where this 'comes' from, it wasn't really drugs because I remember that the continued war against nature saddened me already in early age. Would more say that drugs helped me to clear things up by seeing them independent from myself as far as this is possible.

I realize that this might be part of the picture too, it's not all that I am just unable to make friends, I don't 'take' just every pity either and don't know how selective this really- I have cut off people, never ghosted though, and it's a smaller minority. Usually it's just that paths cross and separate again, me not initiating contact, avoiding such situations and feeling anxious, insecure in public.

Sometimes being alone is better than with the, for you, wrong people. And it might be that I have to learn something about tolerance too, in regards of behavior I don't like. This is hard to put in words - maybe I can explain it best with an example, I know a girl who lives on a very remote little farm and she hates it when people throw garbage away, like fag-ends. Some go a step further and say they can't be friends with for example a vegan individual and somebody loving meat. Girls who refuse boys as friends because of their gender (or otherwise). I'm not so dogmatic about these things but find it problematic when people talk bad about other (friends) that aren't there but don't have the balls to tell them the same things openly. It's not exactly the same though. Certainly need to work on my aversion against men, it's real-life only and acquired, not against everybody and not always but it's stupid.

 

[Flower Fairy]

Well I was feeling down and seen this it might cheer you up a bit too for a few minutes



And a parrot playing peekaboo

 

[dopamimetic]

@jose ribas da silva Do you think that pretended friendships are better than being alone? Especially when money is involved, my impression is that many sexworkers are more or less annoyed by their customers but this aren't first hand experiences and maybe elite escorts who don't have customer after customer are different. Read that people go for 'sugar dating' because of the reason that then they are the only or one of a selected few customers. Maybe it depends, because I too thought about whether fake relations can or do grow into something more real over time as probably independent of your motives, when spending time being close with somebody repeatedly the body will release oxytocin which causes bonding behavior.

But the imagination of buying friends feels just wrong and I'd say it will leave you empty and used.

 

[nznity]

Being a millionaire, at least, one can pay some prostitutes, like the most beautiful ones, hang out with them in a nightclub drinking champagne and snorting high quality cocaine, after that, sex and that is, one can even share some problems with her, pretending she's a friend, life would be beautiful

that gets boring over time.

 

[nznity]

@jose ribas da silva Do you think that pretended friendships are better than being alone? Especially when money is involved, my impression is that many sexworkers are more or less annoyed by their customers but this aren't first hand experiences and maybe elite escorts who don't have customer after customer are different. Read that people go for 'sugar dating' because of the reason that then they are the only or one of a selected few customers. Maybe it depends, because I too thought about whether fake relations can or do grow into something more real over time as probably independent of your motives, when spending time being close with somebody repeatedly the body will release oxytocin which causes bonding behavior.

But the imagination of buying friends feels just wrong and I'd say it will leave you empty and used.

that's even worse than not having friends. Paying people to be friends with you is just pathetic.

 

[jose ribas da silva]

it was a sarcasm

 

[Flower Fairy]

You can't buy friends, they just use you and spit you out when they've no use for you anymore