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Cocaine Confused and in need of some insight

R

ragtime2

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 14, 2017
Messages
12
Hi All

Not sure where to start really - I am sorry if I have posted in the wrong place

My husband just left me after 24 years of marriage. We have been solid up until about 18 month ago when I started to notice a problem - I thought with alcohol.

Over the last 2 months I have been asking him what he is taking ( we did some kid stuff when we were younger together so I knew the signs ) and apart from looking spaced out his head he was drawing away from me. I wasnt prepared for what happened next ! I found him texting someone else - and it blew up that night.

Since he walked out I have found out he has been using cocaine - roxies - xanax - adderal .... confirmed by people who have seen him. And have my suspicions about other stuff that I have now found in my house. And apparently it got a lot more frequent over the last few months - and was an everyday thing. His mix was taking cocaine - then xanax - all day up and down - and then drinking at night.

He has moved out - taken his stuff - denies it all and says he doesnt love me any more

I guess I am looking to get answers - and advice - to see what he sees and what is in his head ! I think he is in pretty deep by what I can gather from people that have known .


 
ragtime2 said:
Hi All

Not sure where to start really - I am sorry if I have posted in the wrong place

My husband just left me after 24 years of marriage. We have been solid up until about 18 month ago when I started to notice a problem - I thought with alcohol.

Over the last 2 months I have been asking him what he is taking ( we did some kid stuff when we were younger together so I knew the signs ) and apart from looking spaced out his head he was drawing away from me. I wasnt prepared for what happened next ! I found him texting someone else - and it blew up that night.

Since he walked out I have found out he has been using cocaine - roxies - xanax - adderal .... confirmed by people who have seen him. And have my suspicions about other stuff that I have now found in my house. And apparently it got a lot more frequent over the last few months - and was an everyday thing. His mix was taking cocaine - then xanax - all day up and down - and then drinking at night.

He has moved out - taken his stuff - denies it all and says he doesnt love me any more

I guess I am looking to get answers - and advice - to see what he sees and what is in his head ! I think he is in pretty deep by what I can gather from people that have known .


Click to expand...
If he's addicted and it sounds like he's heading that way he may have done you a favor..I spent 25 years in that world and the drugs always came first. Things can get dark and dangerous really fast...unfortunately the only way you can know what's in his head is if he tells you. I appreciate you must be in shock and quite a bit of pain over this loss. It's a long time to spend with someone. Despite how tempting it might be interested wouldn't waste time trying to figure him out. maybe he doesn't know what's going on. Being that stoned I doubt it. Take some time for you to process and start to heal. Maybe in time you'll see the bigger picture, but for now you are what matters. If he's got a problem he will either eventually quit or face the consequences. At least you won't be dragged into them.
 
Do you suspect his drug use was a result of (at least his perception of) your marriage breaking down? Or that the drugs caused your marriage to fall apart?

Honestly I don't think anyone on an internet forum can really give you a proper analysis or advice w.r.t. your personal situation and the circumstances surrounding it. From the information you provided in your post, I'd say he's probably caught in the classical, alternating upper-downer addiction cycle, possibly even mixing the two at times (e.g. speedballing). It sounds like he's taking pretty much anything that's an upper or downer, which sounds like someone who doesn't have a stable source/supplier, and/or is in debt or financial issues (cocaine is expensive, and people turning to cheaper alternatives like amphetamines when they can't afford their coke habit anymore is quite common - it's not for nothing that pills like Adderall got the nickname "kiddie coke").

Sadly (or perhaps from your perspective reassuringly, if it helps you feel you're not alone) your story isn't unusual - there's no shortage of horror stories online and in the papers about people who have fallen into addiction then gradually distanced and eventually cut themselves off from their loved ones.

ragtime2 said:
I guess I am looking to get answers - and advice - to see what he sees and what is in his head
Click to expand...
Most importantly, what are you hoping to do with those answers if you get them? Are you hoping to be able change his mind? To drag him out of his addiction yourself? To get revenge? To let other people close to him know about his drug addiction problems? To better understand the warning signs to look out for in future relationships or potential partners? Or even just to avoid falling into the same addictions yourself?
 
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i'm so sorry to hear ragtime, this must be awful for you.
i guess your husband either left because of his drug use or is using them to escape from the pain and misery he is feeling due to the separation.

and altho i do suggest you speak to a councilor or therapist and then make contact with him, he has to make the decision to stop for himself - if not he'll almost certainly relapse if you can even convince him to seek treatment - i'll also leave a link at the bottom to our Sex, Love and Relationships board; might be a good one to check out and the mods there are great listeners and have some really profound insights into relationships and the breaking apart thereof.

best of luck and once again i'm so sorry to hear
[LINK TO SLaR]
 
OP, I'm really sorry to hear that you have to go through this. Addiction is a terrible thing to live through as an individual, but you could make the argument that an addict causes an equal amount of damage and trauma to those that care about them, even if it's not intentional. I know that when I was addicted, my mentality was, "I just don't want anyone to care about me". I didn't see why they needed to care. I just wanted to do my own thing and not worry about others' opinions of me.

My girlfriend, my family and everyone in between were inevitably affected. The important thing to remember is, their is almost always still the same person inside of the addictive behavior. The issue is that you just need drugs first, then you can give everyone the affection they need and take care of other things in your life. As you progress slowly into addiction, that need to "take care of the drugs first" tends to take more and more out of your time until you inevitably end up hurting someone, even if it's just through emotional negligence.

I'm sure that your partner still cares about you, but addiction is difficult. When the drugs are in control, anything can be said and anything can be done. I know this is probably hard to digest, but when they said they "didn't love you anymore", that's something that I might typically say just to avoid having to deal with the emotional stress later on. I don't know how to explain this exactly, but when the drugs are in control, you can only look at the situation objectively. He's no "in love" with the drugs over you. It's more of an autonomic reaction. At any rate, given the fact that he's indulging in what appears to be some heavy poly-substance abuse, it will be difficult to break the cycle.

I wouldn't give up at this point, but it will be a trying time for both of you. It's up to you how much shit you're willing to take. If you truly love them, put your seatbelt on and prepare to go into the trenches. It's hard, but not impossible to break the behavior.
 
thanks everyone - I want him back - my goal is to try and understand what he is going through so that I can help him when and if he does. I know that will have to be his decision whether thats when he hits rock bottom or he realizes it before. I am just trying to get my head around it all.

Any insight is appreciated ! And anyone with an idea what that rock bottom might be I would welcome your input too
 
drugs will make a good man do bad and stupid things, to feed or hide a habit. i hope all goes well for you, love is a powerful thing.
 
i hope i have enough love to see this through - he has served divorce papers and wants me to sell our family business or buy him out of it - he is destroying our whole world ! We are here in the USA on a visa - and if he divorces me I have to go home - so he says if I can buy him out of the business I can get my own visa ( as I am here on the back of his as his spouse ) - and if he divorces me I have to go home. It is a huge mess - because if I do buy him out - then he needs to go home !!!!!! Does this sound like a guy who has no clue what he is doing - his head is obviously wasted right ????
 
He loves drugs dont expect change. Imo your head would be wasted if you cant see how he is head over heels in love with drugs. You cant fix people.
 
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