Stargazer
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Apr 28, 2013
- Messages
- 1,673
Hi To All BlueLighters....
I hope you are all well today. I am writing, a post in BL for the first time being clean for a little over a year. Some of that was me changing, and I don't know how I finally stopped using IV heroin everyday. It strangely happened Listen, I was in a fuckload of trouble, and had probation breathing down my neck to find an inpatient rehab....I was in the middle of active addiction when put on probation...ok...I will try to-in short-explain.
A little over a year ago, my house burned down. While firemen were in there, they found paraphernalia. As I said, I was using IV heroin. So, as I was standing outside, in my socks, at 5:30am, in freezing rain...Watching my house burn down -I was getting handcuffed. So after the hearing for that, I had a paraphernalia charge, and it was the first drug type charge I've ever had...I/we (my husband and I), were put on probation for 1yr-which I completed Sept 5. (We were also put in jail for 9 days-I detoxed..hard...cold turkey)
So, in the beginning they knew we were in the middle of active addiction. Naturally, they are not going to go for continuance of using. Anyone that is an addict knows it is one of the hardest things you've ever done to make that initial break. I told my probation officer that addiction doesnt' stop at 5pm, it's a 24 hour thing, and I need 24hr support She gave me a phone number, that I used over and over and over. I'd call so much, the staff knew me.
Now, I was still using, but kept calling and kept looking for an inpatient facility-which I couldn't find one that would take my insurance, etc. I even went to the VA (my husband is an Iraqi combat veteran) and told them I needed help. They said that they couldn't take me. WTF??? I went to them told them "please I have a very bad drug problem, can I be admitted to your inpatient treatment center"...."NO" I was so upset. As I mentioned, probation was breathing down my neck...."you have to get inpatient or else"...ok great.
Somehow, between trying to get inpatient treatment and calling the support line a thousand time, I stopped doing heroin. BUT....after a month and a half of being clean, I violated probation by not following their order of moving from the area we were living, and I was detained..at the probation office. Then put in jail for 6 and 1/2 mos. From Sept to March. For a second time, I detoxed, cold-turkey off of taking 100mg of time-released morphine 3x times a day...having seizures, hallucinating, throwing my guts up, chills, sweats....in a cell naked. A fucking nightmare. Then when I was released, (court ordered) into an inpatient facility...into the chronic pain program...for 31 days.
The chronic pain program was the best thing that ever happened to me. Straight from jail...with my hair down to my waist, in clothes that didn't fit right, no makeup...fat...I walked into a room with 3 people looking at me, and me at them. Needless to say, I was very uncomfortable, still kind of traumatized from being in jail etc. But these people didn't care....they became some of my best friends, and without a doubt, my friends for life. I excelled in that program...
After I completed that I still had 4-5mos of probation to complete. Well I survived getting urine tested sometimes 4 times a week-probation officers coming over when they feel like it, looking through all my things...it was horrible. Well, now I am off of probation, and it's hard to get used to. And scary.
I went through all of my money....probation in the county I live in is strict, and basically strips you of everything you have. I live in second most exspensive county in Pa. So now things are real...and it doesn't feel joyful to off of probation and relieving that I am finished with all of that bullshit. It just means I now have to start at 0 and rebuild my life somehow. Broke. Worried about messing up and using drugs again....but I am not trying to get drugs...It's like an after-shock type feeling.
I messed up my up my entire life re-lasping. What was supposed to be "I can get high a couple times" turned into an almost year long run. Im sorry this is long, but it is the first time I've put everything out in front of me, and to obviously a lot of other people.
Now the positive....mentally I feel better than I ever have in my life. Meeting all those great people in the chronic pain program, including the staff-the nurses and dr's....not only accepted me, as is....they really cared, and liked me. It made me see I am worthwhile to know in spite of all of my flaws and mistakes. When I went there I made my mind up to get every single thing I could out of it. And that was the best decision I've made in a long time.
Through all of this bullshit-being locked up in a max-security jail (for a paraphernalia charge?), and in rehab.....I managed to laugh a lot believe it or not. I made the best of all of it or I would've lost my mind. Having a good sense of humor has always been a blessing for me. Thanks to anyone that read this. Im taking it a little at a time. That's all I can do.
I hope you are all well today. I am writing, a post in BL for the first time being clean for a little over a year. Some of that was me changing, and I don't know how I finally stopped using IV heroin everyday. It strangely happened Listen, I was in a fuckload of trouble, and had probation breathing down my neck to find an inpatient rehab....I was in the middle of active addiction when put on probation...ok...I will try to-in short-explain.
A little over a year ago, my house burned down. While firemen were in there, they found paraphernalia. As I said, I was using IV heroin. So, as I was standing outside, in my socks, at 5:30am, in freezing rain...Watching my house burn down -I was getting handcuffed. So after the hearing for that, I had a paraphernalia charge, and it was the first drug type charge I've ever had...I/we (my husband and I), were put on probation for 1yr-which I completed Sept 5. (We were also put in jail for 9 days-I detoxed..hard...cold turkey)
So, in the beginning they knew we were in the middle of active addiction. Naturally, they are not going to go for continuance of using. Anyone that is an addict knows it is one of the hardest things you've ever done to make that initial break. I told my probation officer that addiction doesnt' stop at 5pm, it's a 24 hour thing, and I need 24hr support She gave me a phone number, that I used over and over and over. I'd call so much, the staff knew me.
Now, I was still using, but kept calling and kept looking for an inpatient facility-which I couldn't find one that would take my insurance, etc. I even went to the VA (my husband is an Iraqi combat veteran) and told them I needed help. They said that they couldn't take me. WTF??? I went to them told them "please I have a very bad drug problem, can I be admitted to your inpatient treatment center"...."NO" I was so upset. As I mentioned, probation was breathing down my neck...."you have to get inpatient or else"...ok great.
Somehow, between trying to get inpatient treatment and calling the support line a thousand time, I stopped doing heroin. BUT....after a month and a half of being clean, I violated probation by not following their order of moving from the area we were living, and I was detained..at the probation office. Then put in jail for 6 and 1/2 mos. From Sept to March. For a second time, I detoxed, cold-turkey off of taking 100mg of time-released morphine 3x times a day...having seizures, hallucinating, throwing my guts up, chills, sweats....in a cell naked. A fucking nightmare. Then when I was released, (court ordered) into an inpatient facility...into the chronic pain program...for 31 days.
The chronic pain program was the best thing that ever happened to me. Straight from jail...with my hair down to my waist, in clothes that didn't fit right, no makeup...fat...I walked into a room with 3 people looking at me, and me at them. Needless to say, I was very uncomfortable, still kind of traumatized from being in jail etc. But these people didn't care....they became some of my best friends, and without a doubt, my friends for life. I excelled in that program...
After I completed that I still had 4-5mos of probation to complete. Well I survived getting urine tested sometimes 4 times a week-probation officers coming over when they feel like it, looking through all my things...it was horrible. Well, now I am off of probation, and it's hard to get used to. And scary.
I went through all of my money....probation in the county I live in is strict, and basically strips you of everything you have. I live in second most exspensive county in Pa. So now things are real...and it doesn't feel joyful to off of probation and relieving that I am finished with all of that bullshit. It just means I now have to start at 0 and rebuild my life somehow. Broke. Worried about messing up and using drugs again....but I am not trying to get drugs...It's like an after-shock type feeling.
I messed up my up my entire life re-lasping. What was supposed to be "I can get high a couple times" turned into an almost year long run. Im sorry this is long, but it is the first time I've put everything out in front of me, and to obviously a lot of other people.
Now the positive....mentally I feel better than I ever have in my life. Meeting all those great people in the chronic pain program, including the staff-the nurses and dr's....not only accepted me, as is....they really cared, and liked me. It made me see I am worthwhile to know in spite of all of my flaws and mistakes. When I went there I made my mind up to get every single thing I could out of it. And that was the best decision I've made in a long time.
Through all of this bullshit-being locked up in a max-security jail (for a paraphernalia charge?), and in rehab.....I managed to laugh a lot believe it or not. I made the best of all of it or I would've lost my mind. Having a good sense of humor has always been a blessing for me. Thanks to anyone that read this. Im taking it a little at a time. That's all I can do.
