Hey guys.
Just looking for some support or ideas on how to break my cycle of addiction. I'm 31 years old and have been addicted to many things most of my adult life. I'm now married and looking to start a family but struggle with mental illness, yearly psychosis and guilt for continuing to use drugs.
Around the age of 15 I started smoking weed and within months became a heavy daily user. Around a similar time I began binge drinking and would often finish a bottle of vodka at house parties in my teens. Around 17-18 I moved to the party town of my city and began using extacy regularly. I tried cocaine for the first time in the coming year and a couple lsd trips the next year.
In my early twenties I went through stages of smoking weed daily to abstinence - for alternating 6-12 month periods. When I turned 21 I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder and in 2012 I believed the mayan calendar was real (among other things) and complete lost my sanity and was hospitalized for around a month. They made me eat every antipsychotic imaginable and injected me with what ever they had to calm me down. I have terrible ptsd from my multiple stints in hospital and receiving electro shock therapy. I'm worried I will do something to injury myself or hurt someone else when I have these psychotic episodes.
I'm currently on sodium valproate which is a mood stabiliser, I try to get other drugs prescribed to help for anxiety and insomnia. Doctors are very hesitant to prescribed me Benzos like valium xanax or the likes because of my addictive personality (which is understandable). I also seek stimulants to distract me from reality.
About 4 years ago I lived in a bachelors pad and began using cocaine a few times a fortnight. Within a few months I was using at work, during the day and spending all my money on cocaine. I think I spent easily 15-20 thousand USD over 3 years (300-350 per gram in Australia). Although I was well and truly addicted I managed to work fulltime and find my now wife. A year into my habitual use I decided to clean my act up but within a month or two I became phychotic, filmed myself smoking a vape in the coolroom at work and posted it to Instagram. Did dougnuts in the carpark of my old university late at night, and didn't sleep more than 6 hours in 3 days. Generally acting bizarre and thoroughly unwell. I called an ambulance for myself and that's that.
Fast forward 2 years and I was still using cocaine 5 -6 grams a month. I flew to Sydney on a whim (900kms) to meet my then best friend. I smuggled half a gram of mdma onboard and rented a lavish hotel room and was mid episode when I was forcebly arrested at 1 in the morning stealing letters out of a letter box trying to figure out some secret treasure hunt I thought I was on.
2 days ago I took 30mg of ambient and drank 10 drinks and basically blacked out and my memory is shattered from that night. This morning I've booked myself into the psychiatrist after not sleeping a wink and I'm trying to get the doctors approval to try mertazapine along with my valproate and some much needed benzos.
Questions, comments.
Be gentle this is my first post.
Just looking for some support or ideas on how to break my cycle of addiction. I'm 31 years old and have been addicted to many things most of my adult life. I'm now married and looking to start a family but struggle with mental illness, yearly psychosis and guilt for continuing to use drugs.
Around the age of 15 I started smoking weed and within months became a heavy daily user. Around a similar time I began binge drinking and would often finish a bottle of vodka at house parties in my teens. Around 17-18 I moved to the party town of my city and began using extacy regularly. I tried cocaine for the first time in the coming year and a couple lsd trips the next year.
In my early twenties I went through stages of smoking weed daily to abstinence - for alternating 6-12 month periods. When I turned 21 I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder and in 2012 I believed the mayan calendar was real (among other things) and complete lost my sanity and was hospitalized for around a month. They made me eat every antipsychotic imaginable and injected me with what ever they had to calm me down. I have terrible ptsd from my multiple stints in hospital and receiving electro shock therapy. I'm worried I will do something to injury myself or hurt someone else when I have these psychotic episodes.
I'm currently on sodium valproate which is a mood stabiliser, I try to get other drugs prescribed to help for anxiety and insomnia. Doctors are very hesitant to prescribed me Benzos like valium xanax or the likes because of my addictive personality (which is understandable). I also seek stimulants to distract me from reality.
About 4 years ago I lived in a bachelors pad and began using cocaine a few times a fortnight. Within a few months I was using at work, during the day and spending all my money on cocaine. I think I spent easily 15-20 thousand USD over 3 years (300-350 per gram in Australia). Although I was well and truly addicted I managed to work fulltime and find my now wife. A year into my habitual use I decided to clean my act up but within a month or two I became phychotic, filmed myself smoking a vape in the coolroom at work and posted it to Instagram. Did dougnuts in the carpark of my old university late at night, and didn't sleep more than 6 hours in 3 days. Generally acting bizarre and thoroughly unwell. I called an ambulance for myself and that's that.
Fast forward 2 years and I was still using cocaine 5 -6 grams a month. I flew to Sydney on a whim (900kms) to meet my then best friend. I smuggled half a gram of mdma onboard and rented a lavish hotel room and was mid episode when I was forcebly arrested at 1 in the morning stealing letters out of a letter box trying to figure out some secret treasure hunt I thought I was on.
2 days ago I took 30mg of ambient and drank 10 drinks and basically blacked out and my memory is shattered from that night. This morning I've booked myself into the psychiatrist after not sleeping a wink and I'm trying to get the doctors approval to try mertazapine along with my valproate and some much needed benzos.
Questions, comments.
Be gentle this is my first post.
A therapist once a week and regular exercise/good diet should clarify what the next step should be!