I can speak from experience- but, bear in mind: subjective experiences are subjective.
I got clean...shit, I guess about a month or so ago- after a bit, I stopped counting days because I just didn't need to: you may need to longer, I know I did when I kicked heroin. This time it was pain pills and I know some people think it's different- but having done both: it's not THAT different. (I am not as dogmatic as some- but, I think the dick waving in respect to this is silly as hell.)
Anyhoo- my partner is still using. We have a similarly close relationship and I get you, I do. But the emotional changes you go through both induced by the withdrawal and when you make it through: it does something. I still don't know what the hell the end result is going to be, so, I am sorry I am of no help there- but, I had...a different reaction than people said I would to his continued use. Here's where it gets all weird and woo.
First off, mine told me he was gonna cut back. He didn't like constant use either.
I couldn't believe him. Like, I just..knew he was a big fucking liar. Deep down in my bones, this weird, Liar, liar, liar! thing.
His mother is his dealer, so to speak- it's a long story about codependency and stupidity, but, I knew when she got her script filled, it'd be party time for him- and I was scared shitless it'd tempt me. And it kind of did. If he's got regular access- boy howdy, if it's on a schedule of sorts, you may deal with this, too and it SUCKS.
My first reaction was this horrendous, twitching sort of desire to scrap the whole thing. You know, sort of "Fuck it, gimme the pills, let's hang out!" except, I didn't. I fought it. Then, he got home that day and he is high as balls- and it pissed me off. I mean, royally pissed me off. This is my best friend and someone I have been through all kinds of hell with- someone I love more than anyone and I HATED him. I mean, I seriously wanted nothing more than to punch him in his balls. I told him to leave me alone, because I was bearing in mind that my head was a weird place due to still being in the sort of thick of the acute withdrawals but, he said something along the lines of "Instead of being an asshole to me, why don't you let me help you" and oh my god. I was like, hiding out in my office, blowing up recovery threads and reaching out to people who understood. Because you gotta.
Living with someone who is still using is a weight- and it's a HARD one. This is coming from someone who's still doing it and still clean. I am also still struggling with a shitload of resentment- and yeah, that liar thing has not gone away. Introspection tells me this is a fine blend of projection and ...the fact that users lie. A lot. Mine...well, I know him better than anyone- and he's not an upfront liar. He is the type that "Forgiveness is easier than permission" omits shit. We have gone nine hundred rounds with this one- and noticing some vaguely narcissistic tendencies in him: I flipped the script on him. Started coming across as apologetic because, you know, obviously, we communicate differently and oh, it must be me, having a hard time understanding- and, lo and behold, his tune changed. Suddenly, instead of defensive and denial- he would admit things, he would talk about them. I think all too often we do develop some slightly narcissistic habits as a part of the package- I know I have seen it in myself, so, I mean, I'm not slamming him or even saying you will deal with this- but, seems to be pretty common in using relationships. And, when one cleans up but the other does not- or even if the other says they will or says they'll cut back: projection really IS a bastard. And you'll do it. He could be the most honest dude in the world- which, I'm sorry, probably not. This is also not a slam- mine has talked about not wanting to tempt me, not wanting to hurt me, and that's why he withheld things. Still dishonest- I don't think it makes it right: but, it doesn't help the trust factor a bit understanding that and it definitely doesn't help the projection thing. Because if you'd lie for it- you will imagine him lying for it: even when he doesn't. I know because I have. A LOT.
A lot of people approach this from the whole relapse thing- and I get that and can definitely see it but honestly? He disgusted me. Still does every now and again and that weirds me out- because this is the guy I love. More than anyone. But, I will see him, clearly gorked outta his head and it's like ..man, it's not that I judge addicts, how the hell could I? But in those moments, I do. Big time. And that's hard. Not hard in the sense that it makes me want to use, because it does not- though, I have to say: even though I know intellectually it's his choice- BOY do I get pissed and jealous over those he continues to use with. I think the thing that keeps me from falling prey to that temptation is- I channel it into that rage. I lean into the disgust which isn't the most emotionally healthy thing in the world- and believe me, it nearly got someone Lucille'd upside the head when he showed up at my house (Gross guy he and my roommate get crap from.) but, for me, it has kept me from seeing this stuff as a temptation. I have always been pretty firmly "do not shit where you eat" and I am definitely there, now, so, I don't feel bad about running him off at all. He meets him elsewhere- or anyone else, elsewhere or goes to his moms or whatever: it's on him. I've come to a point where the thing of it is- man, you cannot focus on him. And that's a hard one because when you're close, you want to. It's also a hell of a lot easier than facing your own bullshit- and you're gonna have to.
Unfortunately it may not and probably will not be great for this relationship. I know that and frankly- I've accepted it. I am not pessimistic and I am not optimistic when it comes to him. I'm just doing my thing- and occasionally, letting myself get good and pissed but, for the most part, doing my best to feel it through and not act on it. I do let him know how I feel- but only AFTER the initial rage passes. I don't want the resentment in me to build up- but that's a personal thing: I am a rage swallower from way back. So, I let myself feel it alone, I let myself work it through, alone- and then, I tell him how I feel about things and why calmly. This is a LOT better than blowing up- which always, always backfires horribly. I am however prepared for it to go either way- if it works, wonderful. If not? I am financially secure on my own and can handle things on my own. Lord knows I have had to plenty enough times- cycles of pill popping and withdrawal over and over, somehow, someway, I am ALWAYS the one who works through those withdrawals. Always the one who doesn't nod. I was understanding of it, the whole time, figuring, hey, you know, not everyone can hang and he's one of them- but, it taught me to do a hell of a lot all by myself- and I'll take that. One of my biggest issues is he keeps trying to act like my example's doing something for him and I know it's not- and I have told him not to bullshit me, because I see through it- he still does it. There's no reason for him to do it, yet, he does. I dunno if it is guilt- nor do I particularly care.
Will it all work out? I have no idea. I can't tell you, and I am sorry- but I can tell you that it's hard.
I think you are sort of like me in the sense that it sounds like he's really functional- which was me, not him. I had to split up financial accounts, tuck money away where he cannot get to it, and make sure that I had income streams (I am a freelancer, so, no big) just in case. Any fantasy I had of house-wifery: boom, GONE. Dead. I kinda did it for myself- which was a fantastic thing to focus on after I got out of the initial woods, just...working on me, working on my stuff. As to the ragey feelings- they did get less and less intense, but...not because he's doing better, I think- because I am and because I know that's one way I will focus on him and not me. It's good for a temporary little temptation resister- hate him for a half hour, move on through it. Try NOT to say anything to him then or you'll say shit you cannot take back or...he'll blame it on your withdrawal. (Which is a lot like blaming it on your period- and just as infuriating.)
Basically I guess my advice is to distance yourself as much as you can if you want to stay- be there, but don't be there. Financially, emotionally and otherwise. For a while, you're going to need to focus on yourself- and if he cannot handle that, you might have a problem. Mine did okay with that part, particularly when I said "Hey look, remember how you told me not to be an asshole? You don't get to do that when I tell you to back off. You get to back off." I was clear- it was not about him and for a bit it wasn't gonna be. Mine was cool with that, but a lot of people aren't. Yours may be.
I would also advise you do any and everything you can to strengthen yourself- physically and mentally. Seriously. If you can't or you won't change that situation with your partner- which, I get, 'cause I didn't- diet, lifestyle, EVERYTHING ELSE has to change. Believe me, it will help and so will talking to others who are in the process, too- particularly those who aren't in the conventional 12 Step thing. I did that when I got off heroin ages ago and it was wonderful back then- but, sometimes those dogmas just do not work for all of us, and unfortunately: they'll run right up your ass with it, often being some of the most sanctimonious people ever to boot which is discouraging and...faulty. There's truth to so much of what they say- but they do get all in their feels there. Recognize the projection when you see it- whether it's their own BS coming in or simply their own fears- but take away the smart things they say. When people say it's hard to try to clean up as a couple- that's no shit. It is. Do what I did and stop looking at it like "as a couple". Even if he does, too. Look at it as you, and you alone.
Which is where *I* am at for sure.
