Hi again.
Pls hear my little defensive testimony.
I do appreciate the sounding madness on the face of it.
However as far it is seems blindguessingly dangerous, it's actually surprisingly safe and predictable.
Obviously a degree of unknown variance always.
Initially I tried pg solution, as any sensible mortal would.
I'm too allergic to it though like most things.
So it was oil. First the best IMO oil out there to infuse actives into as requires like coconut oil zero actual digestion, except it's a permanent clear liquid without the capric/capryllic acids and other saturates.
MCT oil.
But Etizolam is non soluble in oil, or water.
I also tried olive oil.
I have dedent precise mg scales, a meticulously accurate reliable foolproof method of weighing without error too.
I'm actually very caretaking and mindful about this stuff despite the incongruity of my seeming wild recklessness.
However it took me a while to optimise the exact method of not just prep but complete agitation before every single dose.
Going back 2020, I accidentally overdosed few times because of 5 mg's of Etiz, a v well tolerated dose, being possibly 35 mg's as I had been adding too much olive oil to the 250 mg's weighed precise into an opaque, making it impossible to mash fully, removing all clumps.
Just a tiny amount of oil initially is required.
Then it's easy stir until no clumps at all.
I calculated ages back, for 1 mg per 0.3 ml Olive oil, or 1 ml = 10 mg's
It's 0.268 grams olive oil per mg.
After paper-macheing add right amount oil, stir stir, zero lumps.
However the solution does settle, and even after I had identified the danger of unspotted clumps, (I was using a 100 ml opague glass bottle originally, shaking thoroughly befire each measured mini syringe pull (oral), one day it was near empty, I stirred it all up took on paper 5 mg's
Was Oct 31st 2021.
Another accidental overdose. When I learned the other risk with non-oil dissolving powders.
My stir had loosened an unknown quant of Etiz powder settled/clinging quite firmly in receededing inside rim of opaque bottle.
By effects, as I know what 5, 10, 15, 20 mg's feels like
Probably 35 mg's upwards even more maybe, expecting 5! Which in theory again re kava blood plasma potentiation of benzos, it's truly like 500 Mg's Diazepam upwards.
No boast honest just poinit, nor exaggeration I don't think.
It WAS an accident. Consequentl too. I was undressing for quick shower while so, toppled backwards removing trousers into bath tub, breaking back which healed like magic in like 3 weeks!
But the real curse, internal injury. Diaphragm and small of back both jammed and locked in spasm.
Entire digestive tract, peristalsis disabled to a degree.
Unable to pass gas about 3 weeks. I felt deathly sick in stomach too.
It led to insane prolonged case of torturous painful severe haemorrhoids and worse, anal fissures like a knife wound.
Still fighting to recover 17(?) months on.
Come so close many times but any food, poo is such a danger & gamble since.
Sleep been mostly impossible due to pain sickness and permanent dire need to evacuate.
Making me v sick generally mind too from such an arduous long process.
Anyway, I learned the vitality of also before every dose using the correct weighing spatulas of thoroughly stirring the bottom incl rim then shaking before each single dose.
I switched to using a clear flat-bottomed glass too and torch to ensure.
Because no matter the stir without really working loose all powder settled in bottom rim, always chance break loose, more than bargained for dosing!
Zero accidents since.
However, solutions run out, and I discovered it's actually safer to eyeball, with a very good idea of the dose give or take few mg's.
I never ever take a single drug mindlessly. Like, I know exactly what, when, where, and how much with firm record of exactly what already taken, days before too, and in general.
Also, I found knowing my exact dosing could lead to compulsive habituated redosing, like an allowance.
Few times switching to eyeballing, verging on conservative, going too be effects with always a good eye for the quant powder on the spatula end, actually very unprobable to overdose because 20 mg's even is so visibly ample I'd rarely do it unless with awareness, prepared, decision.
Upon returning to olive oil mixed/agitated known doses, my tolerance had lowered noticeably.
But fhen I "think" it's "safe" again lol.
Allow- myself x amount, justify it mentally.
Margins and tolerance stretch.
Not one time did I feel close to an accidental OD using neat etiz powder, contrary to expectation I know.
Also stopped me thinking about last/next/how many more doses. In a compulsive psychologically addictive behaviour fashion.
Helpful to break that pattern.
I do like to know my dose though. But I can use pure powder in a predictable safe relatively measured way.
But earlier I weighed 300 mg's Bromazolam into 107 grams olive oil, mashing perfectly first in a smidge.
I would say Bromazolam appears a degree more dissolving in oil vs Etiz but still edges need vigorous stir.
I took my first sure known doses in 7 weeks probably.
10 mg's Midday after 20 hours zero drugs at all loads decent health allergy treatments, plus 5 mg's later afternoon.
It was plenty. I enjoyed for once too a desp needed restful 4 hour sleep.
Didn't not even now feel at all less effective vs last months (not blindly carelessly eyeballing) too.
15 mg's Etiz, which I waa led to believe weaker per mg, and 25 mg's is virtually my tolerance, it may get me to sundown.
Same of Bromazolam seems lot stronger. Longer lasting. More sedative.
More mental calming too, which I need.
Etiz is a very mentally stimulating benzo in contraat, ironically can exacerbste anxiety.
So the eyeballing practice is not at all mindless, ungauged or even to date dangerous.
And with purpose too, to break up conditioned routined habitual ways.
I just want to assure you there
@ageingpartyfiend thanks for the sincere encouragement and concern too.
Now, the absurd actual dosing level, especially re how heavy concurrent use is a powerful virtual two way double IME potentitation, re actual plasma levels and effects
I've no justification for. Nor defense.
Except the damndest hardest survival and basic life.
Being allergic to no joke 99% of all common ingestibles, but NOT.to pure benzo powder, the only psychoactive, pain reliever and life saving anxiolytic, like no respiratory allergy for start vs million alternatives and even manageable drug-fres lifestyle in regular non-Lyme hacked immune state, has walked me down this desperate road.
I appreciate the gravity and madness. But vs sure seath by now, suicide or just going crazy
So far, to see today it's been the lesser evil I chose in such a catch 22 situation.
@negrogesic thanks too for your comments man.
i know you know your stuff, incl this tpouc too.
i fear, it's already too late re your wise caution.
My primary focus remains on survival which I don't take for granted at all.
