Breakup over erectile dysfunction (ED)?

[Kikikatchu]

My boyfriend (29) and I (23) have been dating now for about 9 months and although we have tried, we have yet to have good sex. He had testicular cancer when he was 24, but the doctor said all his plumbing was physically working and that our problems seem to be more mental. However, he never really seems able to get an erection. It is always at half mast. I know it has to be worse mentally on him than it is on me and I try to be as understanding as I can. I've mentioned my frustrations to him (literally prefacing it as, 'I know this is worse for you than me'...) and although we talk about options, he never follows through. Every time after it happen he gets teary eyed, withdrawn and won't talk about it with me. I'm trying to help, but it seems he is unwilling to help himself. I don't mind the fact that he has ED, I mind the fact that he isn't doing anything proactive about it. He, of course, means more to me than sex and I want to help him but I fear all hope is lost for us in this intimate matter. I'm starting to feel guilty because, even though I know we all have fantasies about other people, my fantasies about other people feel like they are starting to border on the edge of emotional cheating. He has never done drugs, literally has one alcoholic drink a year, doesn't typically work out and eats a pretty standard American diet. He is also refuses to go on any drugs for ED, as he has already seen his doctor about it. We have already also been to a sex therapist and he has yet to implement what she tells him to do.


How do I motivate him to be more proactive with our sex life/his sexuality?
How do I get him to stop being so withdrawn about this matter?
Any ideas on how else I could help him?

 

[gmlifer]

That has to be a pretty hard hit on his ego. Sorry you're having this problem. Have you tried going down on him for a bit? Watching porn while making out and petting?

 

[Hurhel]

He feels really bad about himself.
I'm sure he wants to fuck you and give you all he has. He may be depressed about his member not working well.
He has to get his mind AND body on the same page.
Get him to truly open up about what he needs/wants.

Don't give up on him.

 

[Draven26]

If he doesn't want to take ED medications he can always try going the natural route. Drinking a glass of pomegranate juice will help with circulation. There are a few supplements he can try if he wants. Rhodiolarosea can help with sexual function as well as panax ginseng or “red ginseng.” Supplementing with DHEA can also help because he might have low levels of DHEA and if he tries it out for a couple of months he can see improvements in achieving and maintaining an erection. And another great one.. is an amino acid called L-Arginine and it’s naturally present in the body. But what this does is help make nitric oxide and that’s what’s responsible for relaxing the blood vessels to facilitate an erection. But I think it’s great if you just talk to him and try to get him to relax. A lot of women do get hurt if a man can’t get an erection or maintain an erection. I’ve had a lot of my guy friends tell me that girls they've hooked up with called them, “Gay” or worse. One of my buddies was in a 2 year relationship with this girl who ruined him! She would constantly pick on him and accuse him of cheating on her.. but in reality I think it was just him being frustrated with the relationship and her being unfaithful to him so he just wasn't feeling it in the relationship and with their intimacy. You definitely have to be in the right mindset. I know a lot of guys can get an erection just like that for anything.. but then there are those who have some trouble.. but it doesn't mean there aren't ways to fix it. Being with my wife Ive never had any problems in the bedroom. And I think the reason for that is I’ve never met anyone who I can trust with my whole life. She’s more than just my wife.. she’s my best friend.. and we share everything together. So I think if you two have great communication skills.. and you can just talk to him about the situation and tell him that it’s nothing to feel bad about.. maybe you can get him to try those supplements and see if they work! I mean it’s worth a try if he doesn't want to get on ED medications. It’s always best to go natural first. I’ve personally never taking any ED medications because I never needed to.. but they can have some side effects so I don’t blame him if he’s hesitant. But just talk to him and let him know that you’re there for him.. I’m sure things will get better. I’ll be praying for you two! Update us and let us know how it goes! Best of luck!

 

[Kikikatchu]

Yeah, blow jobs do nothing for him. Same with porn. Neither help.

 

[Kikikatchu]

I know he definitely wants to have sex, and I'm not taking it personally (although at first, I questioned it).

We talked the other day and we decided to try 24 hour cialis. However, I will keep the Rhodiolarosea and red ginseng in mind. He has an appointment with his oncologist on Monday, so I guess we will see then. I think he is slowly coming to the conclusion that something may actually be physically wrong post chemo and both surgeries (one for testicle removal and one for lymph node removal) because he says he always had the opposite problem with erections before. Very heart breaking, but perhaps admitting this to himself will allow him to get treated properly.

 

[Draven26]

I know he definitely wants to have sex, and I'm not taking it personally (although at first, I questioned it).

We talked the other day and we decided to try 24 hour cialis. However, I will keep the Rhodiolarosea and red ginseng in mind. He has an appointment with his oncologist on Monday, so I guess we will see then. I think he is slowly coming to the conclusion that something may actually be physically wrong post chemo and both surgeries (one for testicle removal and one for lymph node removal) because he says he always had the opposite problem with erections before. Very heart breaking, but perhaps admitting this to himself will allow him to get treated properly.

I'm really sorry to hear about all of this! Yeah honestly I wouldn't know what to do if I were him.. but the sooner he realizes that there is a problem.. the better! If I was having problems with my erections I would jump right away and take Viagra or Cialis. Cialis is probably better because it's a daily thing.. so you don't have to worry about timing it right or whatever. But yeah definitely keep the supplements in mind because they will help overtime! Diet also helps.. does he it pretty clean? or somewhat clean?

 

[Kikikatchu]

I'm really sorry to hear about all of this! Yeah honestly I wouldn't know what to do if I were him.. but the sooner he realizes that there is a problem.. the better! If I was having problems with my erections I would jump right away and take Viagra or Cialis. Cialis is probably better because it's a daily thing.. so you don't have to worry about timing it right or whatever. But yeah definitely keep the supplements in mind because they will help overtime! Diet also helps.. does he it pretty clean? or somewhat clean?

Yeah, it really is an awful situation for any man. He went to get Cialis today and found out it will be $300 out of pocket! So we are waiting on authorization on his insurance. Isn't insurance absolutely absurd?

No, he doesn't eat very well at all. I am celiac, so I am gluten free by necessity, but he doesn't follow any specific diet. I'm trying though!

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

It's really hard because you can't give someone motivation, they have to find it in themselves. poor guy. He sounds very defeated...

My only suggestion would be for him to meet with a psychologist who can hopefully help him find that motivation in himself and work on his self-defeating mentality.
Goodluck...

 

[Draven26]

Yeah, it really is an awful situation for any man. He went to get Cialis today and found out it will be $300 out of pocket! So we are waiting on authorization on his insurance. Isn't insurance absolutely absurd?

No, he doesn't eat very well at all. I am celiac, so I am gluten free by necessity, but he doesn't follow any specific diet. I'm trying though!

Insurance is very absurd.. I concur! My insurance won't cover a second epidural for my lower back and I've had chronic pain for over 7 years and it's pretty jacked up. So I'm just gonna have to get an MRI so that my insurance will see proof that my back is so damn jacked up that they should be doing more to heal it because I can't afford to not go to work you know? But that's awesome that you only eat gluten free. I'm trying to do that with some things.. it's better for you anyways! Hopefully his insurance will cover the costs of the Cialis and I'm sure in no time he will get over this rough patch! It doesn't have to be forever! I'll pray that you guys work it out because I want you both to be okay in your relationship! I'm rooting for you both! If you need anything I'm here!

 

[wallywogs]

Try Prostaglandin it has to be injected but not nearly as bad as it sounds. Works great, I use it sometimes.

 

[downfallin]

Wow that really sucks I know how he feels, I think I gave myself porn-induced ed and had the same experience he's having. I took some viagra and it helped although my problem is much more mental than it is really physical i think. I hope he gets the pills and they work for you guys.....

 

[silverfucked]

Well, speaking from personal experience from the past, attemts at sex between you guys has turned into something embarassing, or even shameful for him..So of course hes not gonna have a fuckiing boner, because you have to be aroused and relaxed, not anxious, worried, embarrassed etc. It's a cycle, a downward spril, and the bigger deal thats made of it, the more its going to happen.

MOst likely, heres what happen: You guys begin to get intimate..He feels a twinge of anxiety overcome him as he remembered his last boner fail and how that sucked..Boom he's out of the moment and in his head..As things progress, he realises that he's not getting hard and this triggers a panic, cortisol is released, and now his dick wouldnt rise if it where the buddy Christ himself.

The first problem here is that you guys think that sex eqauls dick entering vagina until orgasms are had..That is one way, and yes its awesome..But its not the only way..This penis-centered idea of sex is the enemy here..You guys should try for a month, or ten encounters to have a sexual time, but his cock is off limits..It's not on the table. Act like you are virgins again, and dont know what the fuck you are doing..Spend 30 minutes making out..Let him finger you and let that be it. Use vibrators. Use teasing, make it fun.

Theres a high chance theres a boner fail going on because its not having fun and being intimate anymore, its this big awkward elephant in the room that he is being measured by. No one is gonna get hard or wet or whatever going into sex if its like going into a job they almost got fired from the day before...

Do you love each other? Are you attracted to him, and he to you? Because if so, this is totally something you can work thru, as long as we learn to ditch the idea of comapring our sex lives to what porn shows us, or what the girl/guy at the party boasts about, or what the movie, or rap song tells us. We fuck for fun, for pleasure, and to get close to each other. There are so many ways to achieve this without putting the wee wee in the vajayjay..If the problem is not medical(which if it is, then thats like getting mad at an asthmatic for failing at track), and it is psychological, which I suspect most cases of men under the age of 45 who are not obese are, then absolutely nothing is gonna get better until the attitude about this changed..As long as it is viewed as a "problem that needs to be addressed", it will always be one. We are a hypersexual culture that measures everything by the almighty cock. Instead of going to bed together to have sex, go to bed together to be intimate, to learn to be vulnerable with each other, to trust that you both have each others backs no matter what, and just relax, because life is too short to worry about the status of a penis being erect or flaccid. Alot of people forget that arousal, horniness, and the subsequent things that happen to our bodies is ALL IN OUR MINDS..So we need to start there. Miracles will not happen over night, but over time, and probably less time than you imagine, it WILL happen, and you guys will fuck like the dirty, filthy, horny animals that you are.

/end rant.

Oh ps, if he had testiciular cancer, there is a high change his testicular function is impaired, the testes producing pretty much all the hormones responsible for the male libido..So, if you give this ^^^ approach a try until fall and its still not working out, then I'd get his test and LH checked, he may need to get on TRT.