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Break up after 6 years

js420

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Jul 4, 2020
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So shes asked if i can help her this afternoon to wash my dog(hes been at hers for the past week or so as ive been staying there) and she needs help getting him into the bath to wash him and to help look after the kids this afternoon when she gets back from her mums and then said we can stop seeing speaking and see what happens. We had this chat yesterday and she got sad once i left, and ultimately i cracked and we ended up texting through the night.

I said i guess i would help her, they are my kids and i know how hectic things are when she gets home, organizing bottles tonfeed the kids etc.

I just sorta feel like i should be saying no. At the same time i know for certain it would piss her off and possible push me further away.


Advice anyone?
 

Iceman1216

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You know how you feel, but really do not have a clue on how she feels right now about you ?!?
you have Two small children with this women, and you can not answer the above question??? 😳
From reading all your posts and all the very good advise that has been put forth here to help, you must know the Answer ( Definitely not what you WANT , BUT SEEMS STRAIGHT FORWARD 😕)
You are a loving and caring, father, and SO, and after 6 years she knows that, yet she is not sure 🤔??
please for your own sanity, your children’s, and hers, man up, and STOP TEXTING!!
you have a life time of responsibilities that will be needed to attended to with these children. You do not get to change that fact. But the relationship with the mother of your children, has not been { wife, and does not sound like it is headed in that direction ?} been Six years !!
So get and stay strong for yourself, and your children.
She will need to come back to you, to have Anything close to what you want ?.
 

DeadManWalkin'

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So shes asked if i can help her this afternoon to wash my dog(hes been at hers for the past week or so as ive been staying there) and she needs help getting him into the bath to wash him and to help look after the kids this afternoon when she gets back from her mums and then said we can stop seeing speaking and see what happens. We had this chat yesterday and she got sad once i left, and ultimately i cracked and we ended up texting through the night.

I said i guess i would help her, they are my kids and i know how hectic things are when she gets home, organizing bottles tonfeed the kids etc.

I just sorta feel like i should be saying no. At the same time i know for certain it would piss her off and possible push me further away.


Advice anyone?
Okay, so she doesn't want your relationship but you helping around is so great? Sounds like true beta male provider in her eyes. That woman is disrespecting you.
They are your kids, but are you the one forcing the divorce? If not why would their mother want to make their kids have this view of healthy relationships? That's what the kids will learn, that mom and daddy seperating is normal because mommy bored and wants some other men
Stop texting her bro. Just stop it, if she texts you answer if you want, but don't write a bible there.
 

js420

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Jul 4, 2020
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yeh so i decided to text her and told her i wont be coming around this arvo. i brought my dog home so she dosent have to wash him and that im doing it for myself. she even asked "if i was bored could you please get me ciggies" . Get then yourself.

my mower was at hers, i quickly mowed her lawn (i do it anyway) before she got home then left.

thanks guys. honestly the more reassurance i get from others the clearer my head gets.

I have her number blocked but message still go to a spam box. im sure shes pissed off with the last message i said. i wont reply to what shes said.

my psych gave me good advice, which is also in a booklet she gave me.

signs of healthy boundaries..

"you can say no when you want to without experiencing tidal waves of guilt"
 

js420

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We were never married, im not forcing anything, i want to be with her but in recent months my actions while intoxicated has caused alot of shit. i havnt been cheating, more emotional abuse and screwing things up with a couple of her friends.

So right now well just see how she reacts over the next week with no contact and maybe shell come to a decision.

thanks again guys. huge help👍
 

DeadManWalkin'

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Good.
You setting these boundaries is very good. She sees that if she wants your affection, these little favors and even attention, she needs be in relationship. She's not worthy of any of those things said before, if she doesn't bring something to the table herself. If you treat a woman like celebrity, she'll be treating you like a fan. If you put her on pedestal, don't be surprised when she looks down on you.
As i said - it's about respect. "Can you get me cigarettes?"
Really, that's how she sees you? She would probably take the cigarettes and leave instantly. If you want to meet her, take her on a real date once again, like you might have done years ago. Don't get her cigarettes just so you get to see her.
You seeing her has to go by your rules and you gotta make intentions clear why you're seeing, so she doesn't get to use you and you don't start simping.
I wish you the best luck and strong willpower. You are a strong dude and you have kids, so do it for them.
 

js420

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Jul 4, 2020
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Been a pretty good day overall, was able to distract my mind and keep productive. But now its starting to eat at me, just sitting around watching tv feeling i need to let out a cry. Im just venting. Tears in my eyes. Cant believe this is all happening. Thankful my dog is with me at the moment.
 

Sirena Oscura

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Let it out. Cry. It’s all the negative and bad juju that needs to come out so you can feel better. Get rid of it all. It’s toxic to your body. Let it out. Suppressing feelings will only make them grow.
 

Iceman1216

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[QUOTEin recent months my actions while intoxicated has caused alot of shit. i havnt been cheating, more emotional abuse and screwing things up with a couple of her friends.
[/QUOTE]
dude the above is a huge Red flag to me !!!
sorry but Ifeel like I may have been blowing sunshine up your Ass, when may have not been the appropriate thing to Do ??!
so how bad did you fuck up the relationship with the mother of your children , because you where Drunk or and Using ?... if you are having trouble with the question?? Would you want to be spoken to as you did to her ???!
 

DeadManWalkin'

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We can not know the depth of the situation. Is the dude doing bad shit and fucking up the relationship or is the female just looking for excuses to quit relationship, because she has someone else in mind?
Both of them should think about the kids and solve the shit. It doesn't matter if there's no love anymore, it's not anymore about you. It's about the kids.
Anyways, the western view of love is way too romanticized. Why do set-up marriages in India last better and people are extremely happy in them than this Western "You will find the One" shit?
People expecting relationship to be the same it was it first 3 months after 10 years? Yeah, there's not the starting rush anymore and normal life sets in.
Western philosophy is putting hot pan on a cold heater. Eastern is putting cold pan on a hot heater.
 

Iceman1216

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@DeadManWalkin' , so well said !! I have been married 28 years and we have one wonderful child who is 23 ( only one fish in the bowl at my house )
I have more than 1/2 of my peers who are on divorce #2 or 3 and one guy going for marriage #4 😫🙈😫😫😫🙈🙈!! There are many children screwed up along the way!! Only good thing is my boy has made millions along the way , so all ex’s have walked away with about 5 million.
I will always remember a wonder wedding by a freind of the family of my cousins bride in Boston ( catholic wedding!!
This priest said what you did ;
After All the Hornones Are gone , and the day to day life settings start to be all there is, is when How you treat each other is what matters. There are no 25 year old hormones at 55, and an adult life with
Work
Childrren
Bills
Sickness
ETC......
It Only Matters How you treat Each other!! And what you do for the other person , not about what you want for yourself
 

js420

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Jul 4, 2020
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Honestly it dosent matter what i did now. Shes where shes at and thats just how it is.

bottom line i just have to keep doing me and try to block her out and not get sucked back in. what happens happens.
 

Iceman1216

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North East - Long Island
You have Two small children with this women!!
Sorry but it is No longer about you !!!
And you may have a third??
they are your and hers responsibility for a very long time
 

js420

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Jul 4, 2020
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If shes pregnant with the 3rd she says she wont be talking to anyone and wants another baby with me.

Yeh i love my kids and will be there for them. but not when she just wants me around for attention.
 

js420

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I think i can feel it in my heart and head that ultimately its over.
 

iLoveYouWithaKnife

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So the ex sent a message saying if she slept with someone else would that be the end for me in terms of wanting to get back with her. I didnt message back. Then 5 hours later sends the message again, so i called her and said why are you asking me this, she was very straight, i said "if your asking me this it makes me think maybe u still have a feeling for me" which she said yes too. I asked her the same question and she said she woukd be hurt, and i said yeh well so would i and it would change the way i feel and look at you.

Then basically went on about her insecurities again, told me even more hurtful things about this guy shes likes, says shes incredibly scared and doubtful about everything.

I just told her straight "you know how I feel, your hurting me even more, the convosation should have just ended at that"

Using me as an emotional bandaid and coming back to me cuz im familar and i help her insecurities. You know how i feel so how about you fuck off!
All of this mumbo jumbo is grounds for the other thread about the-no contact bullshit. A lot of this was TLDR, so I apologize if someone else has made the same assumption that I am making- but fuck all this. I understand the situation of wanting to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you- but really- why fucking torture yourself? She’s shitting on you and using you for her need-to-feel-good moments. Don’t be that person for her. She wants to know if her fucking someone else would be grounds for you never wanting to get back with her? Say “test me bitch”. She wants the best of both worlds. She wants you there still to be that constant that you’ve been for 6 years; and if you like the abuse, sure, stick around for it.... if not, stop torturing yourself.
Take a week off from her... no contact. I bet she’ll be singing a different mind-fuck tune. And who knows, maybe in a week you’ll get the much clarity that you need to realize the new girl might just be something new and refreshing you need.
After you’ve had enough head games played and you can’t tell left from right, it’s nice to see the difference between someone who wants to talk to you from someone who wants to hear themselves talk.
 

iLoveYouWithaKnife

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Advice anyone?
People have been giving you a TON of advice. Clearly none of it is what you want to hear!

Oh you see a twinkle in her eyes when you guys are rolling? Oh, how very cool. Must be true love. THEN in the midst of all this chaos, you fuck her unprotected and now she might be pregnant!?!
But it’s cool, bc if she is pregnant, she’s decided that she wants to be with you.... but up until then she doesn’t know if she wants to be with you and the 2 kids that make up your family all ready. ???!!! WHAT?
I’m sorry but now I’m just pissed at MYSELF for reading and replying to this thread.
 
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