Boyfriend often leaves me when we're drunk

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Is this a red flag that he's not willing to stand by me?

He's done this about 4 times? All have been the past two years when we get really shitfaced.

First time, we were really wasted and at his job. He wanted to leave and I didn't. So he left, I got kicked out and passed out on the street. A stranger actually got me and took me home. She was really nice. I'm so thankful and grateful nothing horrible happened to me.

Next time, we were at the club, dancing. My friend was dancing with some other guys and when the club started to close up, they asked to take her (and me) home and we politely declined. They started to get mad saying we were leading them on (note I didn't dance with them just her) and our other guy friend stepped in and told them that we came together so we are leaving together. My dude? Ran away and took a cab home with my purse so I had no phone nor wallet.

Another time, we were at a bar, dancing, drinking and my bf wanted to leave because there were lots of biker guys and he was uncomfortable. I didn't want to and told him to just take a few minutes outside, and he left. My friend found me wandering around the bar (looking for him) when we realized that he went home.

Does this mean that he's not willing to fight (edit: I don't mean physically, I mean just standing up for me, being there for me, protecting me, etc) for me? Stand by me through thick and thin? Blah, blah, blah? He told me that he just doesn't want trouble and he feels like I'm trying to make him get into a fight, which is not true. I mean, it is a turn on for a guy to stand up for you (I don't know how it's a turn on for anyone to see the love of their love just leave them! ), but he hasn't, not even once! Like our mutual friend stood up for my friend (and he just met her), while we've been dating for almost 5 years!

I feel like if you really love someone, you would fight (again, not literally...) for them and would put yourself in a situation even if it made you uncomfortable. I feel like if it's inconvenience for him, he wouldn't.
Are there just some guys that will just run away form confrontation often leaving her girl? Potentially in harms way? Is that love? *sigh*
Maybe this should be in relationships, *sigh* IDK.

I actually think it's kind of crazy that you guys are attacking me like I'm expecting too much or I'm being unreasonable. I mean, so if you were with a girlfriend, it's totally ok to leave her passed out on the street while you take a cab home? Like that's how you would treat your girlfriend of 4 years? But no, I'm being unreasonable for wanting him to STAND BY ME?

 

[belligerent drunk]

Well, have you talked to him about it? It's hard to get the whole picture from your short post. Why do you think he's running away from fights/confrontations? And why do you want him to fight for you?

One thing may be that he has some issues with being in certain situations and when he gets drunk they amplify to the point where he just loses the ability to think rationally and just wants to escape the situation (e.g go home). Maybe it's not a good idea for him (and you) to drink that much or at all. Especially if this only happens when you're both drinking.

Also, the thing about relationships is that ultimately it should be at least somewhat enjoyable for both parties. You're right to say that if you love someone, you will go through something that may be uncomfortable. But there's a line. You can't expect someone to do something they don't like for you all the time.

 

[Burnt Offerings]

hehehe, he Irish goodbye'd you AND stole your purse? That's classic.

Why were you getting fucked up at his work? Does he work as a bartender or something?

One thing may be that he has some issues with being in certain situations and when he gets drunk they amplify to the point where he just loses the ability to think rationally and just wants to escape the situation (e.g go home). Maybe it's not a good idea for him (and you) to drink that much or at all. Especially if this only happens when you're both drinking.

Booze always makes me MORE willing to start brawling personally lol. When I'm drunk I feel dramatically less pain/empathy and, while I'm definitely not a violent person and that also applies when I'm drunk, if someone were fucking around with my friends I'd probably think "herp derp time to get down or lay down son!" 8)

 

[iamstillalive]

lol this guy sounds funny, you shouldn't expect your bf to fight other males for you just because it's a "turn on" for you. If he wins the fight, he could get an assault charge and/or get beat up the guys friends. If he loses the fight he could get seriously injured.

Just communicate what your expect from him and if he is unwilling or incapable of meeting those needs, do both of you a favor and move on. There's plenty of fish in the sea

 

[belligerent drunk]

Booze always makes me MORE willing to start brawling personally lol. When I'm drunk I feel dramatically less pain/empathy and, while I'm definitely not a violent person and that also applies when I'm drunk, if someone were fucking around with my friends I'd probably think "herp derp time to get down or lay down son!" 8)

Yeah the same with me, but as I understand it, the guy kept leaving not because someone was fucking with him or his friends.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Well, have you talked to him about it? It's hard to get the whole picture from your short post. Why do you think he's running away from fights/confrontations? And why do you want him to fight for you?

One thing may be that he has some issues with being in certain situations and when he gets drunk they amplify to the point where he just loses the ability to think rationally and just wants to escape the situation (e.g go home). Maybe it's not a good idea for him (and you) to drink that much or at all. Especially if this only happens when you're both drinking.

Also, the thing about relationships is that ultimately it should be at least somewhat enjoyable for both parties. You're right to say that if you love someone, you will go through something that may be uncomfortable. But there's a line. You can't expect someone to do something they don't like for you all the time.

Yeah, he just blames it on being drunk and he doesn't remember. I don't want him to fight for me. I mean, I would like him to stick by me? Um, especially if guys are threatening me? I don't think it's ok for him to just run away and leave me??

&& we don't drink anymore. I moved out actually. We're going to therapy but just wanted to idk see what other people were thinking...

hehehe, he Irish goodbye'd you AND stole your purse? That's classic.

Why were you getting fucked up at his work? Does he work as a bartender or something?



Booze always makes me MORE willing to start brawling personally lol. When I'm drunk I feel dramatically less pain/empathy and, while I'm definitely not a violent person and that also applies when I'm drunk, if someone were fucking around with my friends I'd probably think "herp derp time to get down or lay down son!" 8)

Yeah, he's a bartender. Hah, that's funny. Yeah, well he's not a confrontational guy but I think I expected him to at least stick up for me and try to calm the situation down. Like his friend who just met my friend, jumped into the situation (he wasn't trying to fight even though the other guys were), he was just real calm and smooth about it, you know, like we don't want any problems, the girls were just having fun, it's all cool, we came together so we're just going to leave together, not a big deal. While my dude just hopped in a cab and jetted home.

lol this guy sounds funny, you shouldn't expect your bf to fight other males for you just because it's a "turn on" for you. If he wins the fight, he could get an assault charge and/or get beat up the guys friends. If he loses the fight he could get seriously injured.

Just communicate what your expect from him and if he is unwilling or incapable of meeting those needs, do both of you a favor and move on. There's plenty of fish in the sea

Ok, I don't mean PHYSICALLY FIGHT FOR ME. Did I not explain this properly? He literally ups and leaves if there's a HINT of a confrontation. Two scenarios, NO ONE WAS TRYING TO FIGHT HIM, yet her left. The one other scenario, there were guys who were upset, but like I said, his friend was able to calm down the situation. It really wasn't that bad.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Can somebody move my thread to relationships?

 

[spacejunk]

I don't want to try to read too much into your boyfriend, your relationship, and these situations - because anything i say on the matter is likely to be a projection or reflection of my own experiences and beliefs.

What i will say, however, is that i have major issues trusting people (male or female) who leave their friends (especially female) alone in vulnerable positions whilst drunk. Especially in public.
To me it is a red-flag - especially given the amount of times it has occurred.

If he works in a bar, i presume drinking is a fairly normal part of your social life, and may be hard to simply stop doing - otherwise i would tend to agree that laying off the booze may be the best thing to do.

How is your relationship in other respects?

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

^ Can you please move my thread to relationships?

^ thanks for saying that. I have NEVER left a friend stranded anywhere. I even had a friend, leave me, totally drunk, like insulting me. I actually followed her 5 blocks to the bus stop and just waited with her for two hours (since obv no buses were running at that time). Then when she sobered up, we went home.

Yeah, it's something we always struggled with but have been not drinking this year. So of course without the drinking, he doesn't leave me.. but it just makes me wonder.. if that's just an easy way to overlook a red flag. DO you believe that a drunk mans actions is a sober mans thoughts? My bf always says that and idk, just got me thinking.

I moved out since we were having a lot of other issues related to his temper, acting like a child, pot-smoking, and me feeling abandoned in a time of need (so there's that reoccurring theme...) >.< SO not good, but we are going to couples therapy.

 

[spacejunk]

^ Can you please move my thread to relationships?

Sorry, i don't have any mod powers in this subforum - but i'll see what i can do about getting someone else to move it

As for the question "drunk man's actions being a sober man's thoughts" - i think booze lowers our inhibitions and brings out things that may otherwise be repressed - but i don't think it is some miraculous thought-revealing agent.

I can honestly say that i make stupid decisions on alcohol.
For that reason (and a few others) i haven't had a drink in over 6 years. It doesn't really work for me.

Its not that it brings my thoughts out into actions so much - but it just muddles my thinking process to a point that it is unrecognisable to me (and i wake up cringing with regret the next day).

So i'd say that it is an oversimplication of the effects of alcohol to say that it is showing you your bf's inner thoughts (or something) - but i don't really know how to make sense of something like this more broadly.

If you guys make each other happy and enjoy being together - i hope you can work things out.
On the other hand, if this is a symptom of a wider set of problems, it might be a red flag worth paying attention to.

Whatever happens, i wish you guys all the best.

 

[crzydiamond]

It seems the common thread is that he wants to leave and you don't. So he does. Then you feel upset for getting left there

So...why wouldn't you leave with him when he wanted to leave? He's clearly telling you he didn't want to be in the situation.

It just seems to me like that would've been the obvious solution. You don't like that he didnt stay cause you wanted him to; yet you didn't go when he wanted you to.

 

[gmlifer]

Is there some reason you won't leave with your man when he's ready to go? Why get upset when he says it's time to go and you stay? Not everyone is confrontational and there is nothing wrong with that. You are talking about trivial bar shit that is totally avoidable.

If someone was robbing or raping you and he ran then I could see a problem.

 

[Vagina Lover]

Sounds like a combination of a power struggle and him being a pussy to me.

I can't say I'd ever leave my girl out, even if we were in such a power struggle, just because I think there's a possibility of something happening to her.

A few partners of mine have said to me they had been sexually assaulted before meeting me, and their stories made me feel angry and like I needed to protect them.

One apparently was on her way home after a night out and a guy snuck up behind her in the dark and put his hand over her mouth before proceeding to rape her.

Another was raped in a park in the dark as a 16 year old by a guy she knew but didn't want to be intimate with.

One was raped by her auntie's husband.

Some men are fucked in the head.

On the other hand, I have quite a few scars from being out too late and either being attacked or provoked.

 

[nuttynutskin]

It seems the common thread is that he wants to leave and you don't. So he does. Then you feel upset for getting left there

So...why wouldn't you leave with him when he wanted to leave? He's clearly telling you he didn't want to be in the situation.

It just seems to me like that would've been the obvious solution. You don't like that he didnt stay cause you wanted him to; yet you didn't go when he wanted you to.

That's what I sort of got from this thread. I don't think he's necessarily being a pussy... It could be that he's just trying to avoid unnecessary confrontation before it escalates, and when the op doesn't want to leave he doesn't feel like fighting about that too so he just leaves by himself. If he has a temper or anger problems as I think it was mentioned maybe it's simply a matter of him needing to get him self out of these situations before he does something that could cause him to lose his job or get into legal trouble. Having said that, I don't think it's cool to ditch someone, especially your girlfriend, but what do you expect him to do op? Drag your drunk ass out by your hair?

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Next time, we were at the club, dancing. My friend was dancing with some other guys and when the club started to close up, they asked to take her (and me) home and we politely declined. They started to get mad saying we were leading them on (note I didn't dance with them just her) and our other guy friend stepped in and told them that we came together so we are leaving together. My dude? Ran away and took a cab home with my purse so I had no phone nor wallet.

This situation ^ wasn't a "he wants to leave and I don't". The club has ended, so we were all leaving, together, when this situation happened. I mean, he could have just walked outside and waited! He didn't have to literally run out of the club (with my bag. keys, wallet, phone...) and hop in a cab, and go home!

~~~~~
I understand that and we did talk about it and compromised that if he wanted to go home, all he had to do was tell me, and give me 30 minutes, then we would go home. I thought this was a good compromise.

~~~
Vagina Lover, I'm sorry to hear that. That one time he left me at his work, I was kicked out, and literally passed out on the sidewalk. I mean, I'm really lucky that someone didn't just pick me up, throw me in a car, and rape me. I'm like 100lbs. I mean, I could have gotten kidnapped. This stranger who saved me said that she saw me on the sidewalk for HOURS, like at least 2, so that's a lot of opportunity. That's pretty scary. She actually woke me up, gave me some water, and took me to her place where I slept it off. I was really lucky. God was looking out for me or something!

 

[Vagina Lover]

Vagina Lover, I'm sorry to hear that. That one time he left me at his work, I was kicked out, and literally passed out on the sidewalk. I mean, I'm really lucky that someone didn't just pick me up, throw me in a car, and rape me. I'm like 100lbs. I mean, I could have gotten kidnapped. This stranger who saved me said that she saw me on the sidewalk for HOURS, like at least 2, so that's a lot of opportunity. That's pretty scary. She actually woke me up, gave me some water, and took me to her place where I slept it off. I was really lucky. God was looking out for me or something!

For a munchkin that small, you would require extra special protection, maybe a security detail

I'm not sure if it was God on that occasion or the woman, but either way it does sound very lucky.

I was once going to couples therapy with one of my ex-partners. It was really a waste of time because she was like anxiety level uncomfortable in the groups and didn't seem to like talking, so I spent most of the time holding her hand to try and calm her down rather than communicating with the therapist.

We were told we need to fight fair, though.

Does that ring a bell or make sense to you in any way?

 

[Big Bird Gemini]

Huge Red Flag!

Dump him

 

[samnslumberland]

It sounds to me as if the two of you need to learn to compromise with one another when you're drunk. He should never leave you by yourself if you're not ready to leave yet, that alone is a [HUGE] legitimate reason for breaking up with him (and you should break up with him if he does it, especially if it keeps occurring). However, that being said, you need to be sensitive to his needs as well. If he is uncomfortable and badly wants to go home, then go home with him. Telling him that he needs to stay because you're not ready is extremely inconsiderate.

Overall, it sounds like you two have no consideration for each other when you're drunk. If you enjoy drinking and intend on continuing to do it, you should just end this relationship and find someone more compatible.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Huge Red Flag!

Dump him

This. You deserve someone better than him. I mean you posted how he stole your purse and phone, and left you without a way home which is not cool. Most people would not put up with that. Good luck.

 

[queenbee1127]

I have been guilty of doing this when I've been drinking, we call it pulling a Houdini. I actually know a lot of people who just dip out with no explanation, but not at the cost of leaving their girlfriend at the bar by herself.

If you guys quit drinking and this has stopped happening as a result, then I would say problem solved. But if you're planning on resuming drinking together in the future, this could very well become an issue. If this were me, I would cover my own ass when we go out from now on - hold on to my own stuff, have money for a cab/uber home etc...don't put yourself in a position where you're stranded if you know this is likely to happen. It doesn't make what he's doing right, but at least you avoid the consequences of being left out by yourself.