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BL/TDS Self-Harm Support: Thread 4

panic in paradise

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As the title states, this thread is for those who need a place to share concerns, or share their experiences with Self-Harm; with urge to means of treatment, or ways to cope.


This must be done with out any glorifying post content
-
this could be anything which might be triggering to others. This includes pics of self-mutilation, accidental wounds, drugs, nudes, needles, razors, art which contains triggering images, or posting in an idealization tense. Thank you for your cooperation.


<3
 

TINK

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Realizing that we are here to rely on each other for support and as a sounding board, I firmly believe that the best was to keep from relapsing is to connect with somene who has a share similar background. Someone you can relate to. I have found it mose helpful to be able to do that here. And, I keep stating this, but I am avialable to talk if anyone needs a friend or just needs someone to vent too. Much Love <3
 

SideOrderOfOpiates

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Burn.The.Witches, what you expressed makes complete and total sense actually. I honestly feel that a vast majority of what people perceive to be 'normal' is merely just socially learned behaviour; society tells us from a very young age what is and is not acceptable. With that said, and being a cutter myself, I will tell you that I feel the same way about cutting as I do drugs and alcohol. I feel that each human animal should be able to live freely within the realm of their own desire (as long as their desire is not harming anyone else intentionally). I also feel that activities that may be perceived as self-harm should not be discouraged for EVERY individual. Society has made a horrid fucking habit out of making it seem as though just because one individual cannot handle life without a certain vice, that it is the same way for every individual with the same vice. I disagree with that theory wholeheartedly. I believe that what is relevant in determining whether or not cutting is okay for that person is the motive behind the cutting, and if the person could take or leave the cutting without great difficulty. I honestly feel that cutting can be the most intimate form of eroticizing artwork. I also feel that cutting can be done for sexual arousal/heightened awareness. IMHO, I can also completely see eye to eye with you that cutting is not harming anyone other than yourself, and if you choose to cope that way, technically, I really think it is merely a social taboo. Now, when talking about cutting as a 'vicious cycle', this is where the problems come in. Anything that is a vicious cycle—infusing you with guilt and shame—simply is not healthy. If a human being is able to draw the line at an occasional physical release, means of art, heightened awareness, ect...I honestly see nothing wrong with it in theory. Unfortunately, a lot of people cannot do that, and a lot of people who cut are, in fact, a bit sick in the head. Needless to say, I feel that if a cutter goes into the act without any habitual addictive qualities to the process, or frantic emotions that cannot be released in any other way, I do not feel that it is a problem. It is when the cutter is addicted to the act as a means of coping that cannot be achieved in any other way that it becomes a problem. From what I have gathered in your post, you seem as though you are definitely cutting as a coping skill. If you have that kind of motivation solely as a cutter, cutting may not be something you should engage in. Your cutting has obviously caused you a bit of turmoil, and if you are going to cut, you should feel shameless about it. If you are feeling shame for something your are doing, you probably should not be doing it.

Also, you had mentioned that you are constantly fighting back urges to cut for the sake of others. You had asked if it was selfish of you. Listen to what you said there! If you are FIGHTING THE URGE to do something FOR THE SAKE OF SOMEONE ELSE, that is an act of selflessness—not selfishness! A truly selfish person would complete the act regardless of how it affects others.
 
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TINK

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You should check out the self injury thread, and if you ever want to talk just , just click on my name anf concacr via email It is really hard to discuss theese types of things in threads. Even situation is uniquite and must be treated so.

If you feel that you are no ready to reach out to somone professionaly (because it is very hard trust me I know) Then at least reach out to someone here that can help you get through it.

Good Luck <3

If you need me just email me a message
 

zombiesarepeaceful

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I think most anything can be justified if you weigh it against a person's individual life, brain, situation, etc. That's why I don't feel bad for anything I do/did. If anyone had to walk in my shoes for one day, they'd do the same thing. I've never agreed with living around other people's definitions of morals and shit -- I make my own. Both my arms are covered in scars. Up and down. Legs, thighs. When I was 13 to 18 I cut the living shit out of myself. I started using drugs and alcohol when I was 15. I'm 20 now. At some point, drugs became my substitute for cutting. I hadn't done it for 2 years and the other day I gave up and burned myself. I don't feel bad for using drugs or hurting myself. Its my life, I'll live it how I want. Feeling guilty for reasons other people impose on me just wastes time and life.

In short, I don't think its wrong. You live your own life, no one else lives it for you. We gotta do what we gotta do to cope
 
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arctica

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I think the real question is what would happen if you weren't cutting?

I agree that cutting is one of many coping skills that people use to deal with difficult situations and emotions. I think that most of us have some set of coping skills, some to deal with lightweight problems, like counting to 10 or deep breathing or whatever. I think that cutting is on the other end of the coping skill spectrum along with suicide, etc. If you're feeling extremely suicidal, and the only way you think you can avoid killing yourself is to cut, by all means, cut away.

That being said, cutting can leave you with permanent injuries. If there's something else that you could do to bring down your level of distress that has fewer risks, why not do that instead? If you don't have any other coping skills and are looking for ideas, Google "DBT".

I guess the way I look at it is that if I have some illness that it treatable with a Rx medicine with a FDA black box warning on it for liver damage, it's very unlikely that I'll get liver damage, but it's a possibility. If there's another drug out there that works just as well but has a safer side effect profile, why not switch?

Since cutting is an ingrained habit for you at this point, swapping it out for another coping skill will probably be difficult and take time. I'm guessing it will always still be a coping skill for you, but maybe one you hardly ever need to use except when you're in the most extreme distress. Maybe there's another way to deal with those "fucked up thoughts and emotions", or at least turn down the volume enough that you can just take it in stride and not risk severing a nerve and having lasting damage.
 

Unelmaporsas

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Self mutilation and unhealthy drug use are very close in motives, IMHO. I've been there (cutting, I mean), and I know how it feels... but there are better ways. Can you get professional help or do you have someone you can talk to with complete confidence? That helps me to lower the pressure a lot. Also, doing SOMETHING ELSE that gets your mind off what's wrong in your life could help. For me, photographing and immersing myself in books helps to get my mind off things that bother me, but everyone has their own thing. And when you're really depressed, you first need something to get you up - professional help, SSRI / SNRI meds, maybe benzos (but watch out, heavily addictive stuff).
 

Asclepius

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Hey Burn the Witch- I used to cut as well and it can be a bitter sweet venture.
Nothing is simply black and white and it can cause even more frustration/harm in us to view these things as such. Here is a helpful site to get more insight into yourself: Self Harm- *Click on the link at the bottom of the first page Why do people Self Harm, it will give you some more information about some of the reasons behind the behaviour, that may be masked by the actual behaviour itself. <3


Over the last few months I had been getting increasingly depressed and frustrated and lots of other emotions. As well as feeling like I was losing my mind. I started to get the overwhelming desire to cut again. I ignored it for months, but every day, constantly from when I got up, to the few hours of sleep I would get (insomnia), that urge getting stronger and stronger until one day it all erupted and I couldn't fight it any more.
I hate to say this, but it felt so good, like, all the fucked up thoughts and emotions just subsided and for the first time in a long time, I felt quite content... But then the guilt set in; thinking of all the other people I had let down, what would my friends think? My Mum would be devastated; my Dad think I'm weak. I even felt weak; nearly cried for the first time in years.

For the next few weeks I felt so guilty, like I had let everyone else down... But not myself; it didn't bother me that I had cut, it was the feeling of letting everyone else down.
You can see how it helps us deal with emotional pain that is difficult to process. Sometimes cutting can be a 'lifesaver' when things seem so overbearing and there is no other way to deal with it.
What bothers me is that you are feeling so guilty and labelling yourself as 'weak'. The fact you rekon your Dad would think of you as weak especially rings alarm bells.
Firstly, You ARE NOT weak by any measure of the word, you are trying to cope with a complex inner struggle and influenced by outward pressures that are overbearing and you dont even understand ATM.
Secondly, you say it doesn't bother you but it seems clear from your post that you are feeling bothered-ALOT!
Seems your putting the focus on keeping your families feelings in a superior position to your own. You are neglecting your own feelings of guilt, shame and probably anger...it is too easy to neglect the feelings that we label as weak/ugly(usually we dont do this by choice alone but because we have been conditioned this way ie girls dont get angry/rage, sugar and spice and all things nice, etc etc, boys also have feelings conditionally repressed by society ) when in fact they are very natural(although can be very frightening when we have been used to trying to ignore/subvert them).


This bought on the desire to cut again (viscous circle). Strange I know, but I'm sure there will be some here who identify with that.
I get this. Not strange at all, makes complete sense. It serves a function and is also addicting. I had been cutting and burning for years and didnt want to stop for a long time because there was no good reason to.

But why is it not ok to cut in moderation? The same as I believe that drugs are fine in moderation and responsibility. The only reason I stopped was for other peoples benefits. But why can't I live with myself how I want?

There is so much social stigma about cutters. But it's perfectly fine for someone to smoke/drink legally when they are feeling stressed/emotional; which does so much more harm to people than a few cuts.


Do you think it's OK to cut in moderation, the same as people use drink and drugs in moderation?
If it brings me a sense of relief that nothing else does, and I am not affecting anyone else, and I am not rubbing it in peoples face'; what's the problem with cutting in moderation and why is it wrong?
Should I keep putting everyone else' feelings and wants for my life before my desires for my own life and body?

Or am I deluding myself to justify my anti-social behaviour in my own mind and should seek help as quickly as possible.

I'm sick of constantly fighting back urges that I have for the sake of other people. Is that wrong and selfish of me?

Does this even make sense?
Again, it makes complete sense.
I think Societal rules in general don't encompass consideration for individuals, it serves a basic order. This isn't all good/all bad.
With regard to cutting, I think it is the fact that it is seen as a blanket 'bad', Self-destructive behaviour, doesnt take into account that life is unfair and sometimes seemingly, intolerable. What is important is that every act tells us something about ourselves that we need to understand and not to ignore because we need to explain not just the rational but the irrational(which usually isnt as irrational as it seems). If we keep our eyes closed to ourselves we will never understand ourselves or develop ourselves to evolve in ideas and understanding.

'Selfish' is a dirty word in Western Society. Being 'Selfish'(ie the productive one) as in getting your needs met, being true to yourself and taking care of your well being is very important and some people will flail this word about as a tool to impose guilt and shame on you. There is a distinction between being 'Selfish' and harming others or yourself and 'selfish' meaning being inconsiderate/sacrificing of anything/yourself/others and everything in order to get your own want's. The fact that your family/you are judging you from this limited perspective alone is making you internalise and battle these harsh judgements which is very biased and doesnt really make for a sincere assesment of the reality of what is going on.
Sometimes its easy to take on other peoples judgements and punish ourselves with them in a kind of 'fuck you!', look what you have done to me'- its a form of communication we hurt ourselves to confirm the impact it has had on us because we cant process/cope with the pain in a way that will be understood by them- this is just one basic explaination but not the myriad of them concerning self-injury.

Word of caution:
Any self-injurious behavior is a sign that there is something awry internally and should not be ignored. All animals display 'unusual' behviours if they are sick, abused or distressed.
My self-harm progressed in a more violent manner-if you feel that it is getting more and more out of control please look for proffesional help as it's escalation may be a symptom of something far more severe than you have been aware of.

Really hope you consider the reasons behind why you do what you do, just to keep yourself aware of yourself. If you arent inflicting much damage and it helps for the time being then so be it, it may be a temporary crutch, however be cautious and dont be too hard on yourself, or let others have that power over you either! Take care<3
 
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TheLostBoys

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My girlfriend use to be a mild cutter. One day I seen her upper left arm & saw what looked like scratches & asked her, she told me her cat scratched her but im not stupid, I confronted her & she gave in & told me. She told me she would do it when she wasnt happy with how her life was going & what not. She said it would make her feel better when she would cut.

She hasnt cut in over 2 years, at least not from what I can tell.

To the OP: if you're asking me do I think its okay to cut, well....no I dont even tho you see it okay, like someone drinking or using drugs, its not the same thing but that is just my opinion.
 

Jabberwocky

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*merged* w/ self injury 4. I'd prefer that people not be in a situation regarding anything in their lives where they feel they can not discuss a topic important to them with anybody.

Burn.The.Witches said:
Do you think it's OK to cut in moderation, the same as people use drink and drugs in moderation?
If it brings me a sense of relief that nothing else does, and I am not affecting anyone else, and I am not rubbing it in peoples face'; what's the problem with cutting in moderation and why is it wrong?
Should I keep putting everyone else' feelings and wants for my life before my desires for my own life and body?

Or am I deluding myself to justify my anti-social behaviour in my own mind and should seek help as quickly as possible.
I've not ever been a cutter. I would like every reasonable precaution utilized by cutters as I would like the same with drug use. My almost equal concern is that many cutter's stories have seemed to be at least in part about increasing isolation because of the cutting. That is another parallel with some drug stories.

Moderation in cutting is OK to me. How it works out for the cutter and any people who have been effected by someone's cutting is something I don't have much experience with. My main thing is that there be someone you can reach out and talk to about your whole story if you are inclined. Shame and stigma and not being able to share about somethings can make life a lot heavier than it needs to be.

Some cutters escalate to cutting episodes that are life threatening. I think everything in our lives ought to be something we are ready to get help with if it is is needed. People's reactions to cutting are often based on having people in their lives with big regrets about cutting incidents ime.
 

zombiesarepeaceful

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I feel no shame for hurting myself...I guess its just that seeing my blood or causing pain makes my internal pain less and I don't care if I scar a body that isn't mine. I haven't done it again, but I want to. It feels good just like drugs..makes me feel temporarily alive and like I'm getting bac at whatever made me this way for a split second
 

n3ophy7e

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I can understand that.
Even though you're not happy with the body you've been given, it's still yours. Despite the one part you want the most, the rest of it, the heart, the lungs, the brain, the mind, it's all yours. Of course, you can treat it however you want but it doesn't belong to anyone else, it's yours.
I know you don't feel that way sometimes though.
 

Stay.Blazed.420

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When i was in jail i was severely depressed and wanted to make sure that i'd never forget the horrible gut feeling i had while i was laying there on my bunk so i took apart a razor and carved 'FUCK JAIL' into my forearm. I regret doing this so much, it's so noticable and i've been putting vitamin e on it every night and trying to tan to make it not noticable but no luck.

what an idiot i was. i'm so embarrased, i always wear long sleeved shirts now because i don't want anyone to see it or know that i stooped that low. Everytime i look at it, it just reminds me that i'm weak.

I also carved my fiancee's initials in other arm.. that was retarded. but i managed to recarve them into a more meaning full abbreviation 'DBC' from 'LRC' and now it stands for 'DON'T BE CRAZY' because that's exactly what i was when i was stupid enough to carve that shit onto my fucking forearm like a crazy fucking moron.

fuck i regret self harming. Never again will i put a blade to my skin. I will admit that while writing the fuck jail it felt really good to just focus on the physical pain as much as i could but now i found that punching my solid wood door is just as effective and causes even more pain (dull). Cutting is stupid and if anyone's reading this and thinking of cutting themselves just know that no matter how much you think it will help you will regret it in the end. Scars are there for life, and while you may not be as stupid as me to write 'fuck jail' on your arm (so everyone who see's it knows you were in jail), if anyone see's said scars they'll think you're mentally weak or unstable.
 

zombiesarepeaceful

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Well if we're talking about words carved into ourselves....I regret it too.

Over 4 years ago I carved "fuck it", "rip", and fag in my arm....the only one that stands out is the "fag" cause it turned into a keloid...luckily no one, and I mean literally no one, has looked at it and read it. Half the time they don't even realize its a word. A few people have asked what it says, but couldn't read it. Over the years the keloid has went from red to mostly skin colored...both my arms are literally covered in scars and shit. I only regret doing it on my arms, cause its obvious. I forget they're there most of the time. I'll be in public and wonder why people are staring, then I remember. At work I get shit for it. People ask my friend I work with why my arms are fucked up and he just says, "he had a fucked up life". None of their business, really.
 

n3ophy7e

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Stay.Blazed, thank you so much for sharing your story. It takes courage to admit to this kinda stuff <3 I am sure that your words will reach people who come across this thread looking for support.

On the topic of carving words and regret, I personally never cut any words in to my skin but I had a preference for cutting stars in to my skin. I made a few really nice scars actually, which looked pretty cool, the kinda stuff that people pay good money to get "scarification" done these days :D

However, in my last major cutting binge (in October 2008 ) I sliced through the BEST star, the most perfect star-scar I had made, with a knife. I was so completely drunk off my arse at the time that I forgot the star was even there, and I completely ruined it. The scars I made that night went keloid and have caused me way more grief than I felt about whatever reason I was cutting that night.

THAT is my biggest cutting regret.

Now, 2.5 years and loads of Bio-Oil later those knife scars are almost ready to be able to be covered up with tattoos. But I'll miss my perfect home-made star forever.

:(

Cutting sucks.
 

damonoxide

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n3ophy7e: that really sucks about ruining your star. honestly, i wish i had thought to do something interesting while cutting. it didn't even occur to me that it could be an art form until well after i stopped.

question: in your experience, do scars ever heal enough on their own or with some kind of vitamin ointment to be able to be tattooed over? i'm sure bio-oil (and mederma, etc.) would work, but i can't seem to find anything equivalent that is vegan friendly.
 
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