One day late last year I had insomnia because I was fucking lonely, so I turned on the TV, shuddering ... and the first thing that confronted me was a song called "F--k I'm Lonely", which was 29th in the top 30.
The artist's name I didn't catch.
The video showed young people in a nightclub.
The words were: "Fuck I'm Lonely".
"F--k I'm Lonely" wasn't much help to me. But I kept watching and made embittered drunken notes while viewing remainder of top 30. Which I just found on my I-pad and thought I would share.
28. Song: "Choir" by Guy Sebastian.
Video: Set in a church with blasphemous jazz ballet is happening in front of an altar.
Words: "Singing with the choir/now you're dancing with the crew/you aint doin' solo/we're all riding with you".
Comments: Who will be "riding with me?" Guy Sebastian? The jazz ballet people? It all seems like an empty promise...
SCORE: 1/0
24. Song: "Liar" by Camilla Cabello
Video: One of those pompous music videos that has credits for "director" etc. CC is having dinner with a shallow but rich asshole. We can tell he's soulless because he asks: "did you like that necklace I bought you?".
CC screams: "I don't like this restaurant! I want a cheeseburger!"
There is no song as such but this video probably cost about 15 million to make.
Words: "You're making me a liar" (moaned by CC as the Shallow Asshole abusively brandishes that necklace in front of her face).
SCORE: 1/10
22. "Motivation" by Normani
Video: Normani shakes her ass in all sorts of places: near high schools, outside an asbestos house, in the middle of the freeway. Her crew cheer her on.
Words: "Let me give you motivation/make an innovation. Ooh.. .
SCORE: 1/10
21. Song: unsure, was in toilet. Artist: Lil' Nas X "featuring" Dr Dre.
Video: A girl who looks about ten wears a white boiler suit and is stalked by a male cyborg who is much too old for her.
Words: "I need you to just say to me/what you want from me".
SCORE 1/10
19. Song: "Sunflower" by Post Malone, "featuring" Swan Wee.
Video: usual shit happenng with a crew in a nightclub that never closes.
Words: "Calling it quits now/baby I'm a wreck/I think you're loving me too much/you'll be left in the dust".
Rather conceited, surely?
SCORE: 1/10
18. Song: "Graveyard" by some child-woman called Halsey.
Video: Two girls in retro frocks hold hands and hang our near ferris wheel. Occasionally Halsey pensively reclines on a bed with a notebook, her pen poised meaningfully but never actually touching the paper.
Words: None I could recognize except "graveyard"
SCORE: 1/10
16: "It's You" by Ali Gatie.
Video: Some bearded fuckwit pretending to be Hamlet in a taxi.
Words: Ali Gatie is "so scared to fall in love". Please don't "break his heart" or "tear him apart".
I'd rather have thrush than even the most casual sexual or emotional connection with Ali Gatie or anyone like him.
SCORE: 1/10
15 Song: "Bad Guy" by Billee Pissweak
Video: Went to toilet and when I came back there's this teeny tiny girl is singing in a teeny tiny voice that she's the "bad guy". Since she is frequently shown with a bleeding face and bruises, I thought this was a protest song about domestic violence. But it turned out to be about how the teeny tiny girl has pinched somebody's boyfriend. At the end, she's shown wearing a dog-collar and huge black tee-shirt, and seems teenier than ever, as she straddles her prize: a huge buff fuckboy who's doing push-ups in white jocks.
Words: I like it when you take control/Even if you know that you don't
Own me/I'll let you play the role/I'll be your animal
Young and impressionable girls, please attend: as unfair as it may seem, getting your face bashed in repeatedly by a fascinating "bad boy" will NOT make you prettier. And by the way, physical pain actually hurts. A lot.
SCORE: 0/10
13:, Song: "Beautiful People" by Ed Sheeran (Sheerin??).
Words: "We are not beautiful/we are not beautiful/that's not who we are".
Video: suggests we're not beautiful because some of us are not dressed up as prostitutes. Not exactly a lifesaver.
SCORE 1/10
5.. Song: "One Thing Right". Artist: Marshmello and Kane Brown.
Words: "Gonna be crazy. Gonna be wild. At the wrong place in the wrong time. Got one thing right. You".
Video: conveys theme that a nice decent non-slutty girl dressed in a simple white tee shirt and jeans will redeem even the most tedious sub-literate shitface in a tracksuit top. (Look, you owe it to him! Marshmello is not afraid to announce how shite he is! This means he's gold! Marry him and have his babies or end up in that dog collar!)
SCORE 1/10
4.. Song: "10,000 Hours". Artist: Dan (yes, just "Dan") featuring Justin Bieber.
Video: Bieber is spooning a decent non-slutty girl like Marshmello's (see above). He's gonna devote 10,000 hours to loving this decent woman, but he'll always be true to himself.
SCORE: 1/10
3. Song: "Memories". Artist: Maroon 5.
Video: I hated this in less than a second. Maroon 5 is remarkably ordinary looking but this doesn't prevent him from having nothing in his video except a close-up of his face staring right into the camera.
Words: "Everybody hurts sometimes". Also, "dreams bring back all the memories of everything we've been through".
Implication is that at some point, Maroon 5 did One Thing Right and cornered the perfect woman, but then lost her. He's sorry he lost her, and proves it by stalking her with this desperate piece of shit...
SCORE 1/10
2. Song: "Harleys in Hawaii" by Katy Perry
Video: Katy Perry wistfully wishes she could ride Harleys in Hawaii with a guy who looks like a totally shallow fuckboy, but deep down inside is real sensitive and all that.
Words: hard to hear in the midst of all the excitement, but I caught "baby", "gone" and "I'm sad".
SCORE: 1/10
Fell asleep and never found out what number one was.
The artist's name I didn't catch.
The video showed young people in a nightclub.
The words were: "Fuck I'm Lonely".
"F--k I'm Lonely" wasn't much help to me. But I kept watching and made embittered drunken notes while viewing remainder of top 30. Which I just found on my I-pad and thought I would share.
28. Song: "Choir" by Guy Sebastian.
Video: Set in a church with blasphemous jazz ballet is happening in front of an altar.
Words: "Singing with the choir/now you're dancing with the crew/you aint doin' solo/we're all riding with you".
Comments: Who will be "riding with me?" Guy Sebastian? The jazz ballet people? It all seems like an empty promise...
SCORE: 1/0
24. Song: "Liar" by Camilla Cabello
Video: One of those pompous music videos that has credits for "director" etc. CC is having dinner with a shallow but rich asshole. We can tell he's soulless because he asks: "did you like that necklace I bought you?".
CC screams: "I don't like this restaurant! I want a cheeseburger!"
There is no song as such but this video probably cost about 15 million to make.
Words: "You're making me a liar" (moaned by CC as the Shallow Asshole abusively brandishes that necklace in front of her face).
SCORE: 1/10
22. "Motivation" by Normani
Video: Normani shakes her ass in all sorts of places: near high schools, outside an asbestos house, in the middle of the freeway. Her crew cheer her on.
Words: "Let me give you motivation/make an innovation. Ooh.. .
SCORE: 1/10
21. Song: unsure, was in toilet. Artist: Lil' Nas X "featuring" Dr Dre.
Video: A girl who looks about ten wears a white boiler suit and is stalked by a male cyborg who is much too old for her.
Words: "I need you to just say to me/what you want from me".
SCORE 1/10
19. Song: "Sunflower" by Post Malone, "featuring" Swan Wee.
Video: usual shit happenng with a crew in a nightclub that never closes.
Words: "Calling it quits now/baby I'm a wreck/I think you're loving me too much/you'll be left in the dust".
Rather conceited, surely?
SCORE: 1/10
18. Song: "Graveyard" by some child-woman called Halsey.
Video: Two girls in retro frocks hold hands and hang our near ferris wheel. Occasionally Halsey pensively reclines on a bed with a notebook, her pen poised meaningfully but never actually touching the paper.
Words: None I could recognize except "graveyard"
SCORE: 1/10
16: "It's You" by Ali Gatie.
Video: Some bearded fuckwit pretending to be Hamlet in a taxi.
Words: Ali Gatie is "so scared to fall in love". Please don't "break his heart" or "tear him apart".
I'd rather have thrush than even the most casual sexual or emotional connection with Ali Gatie or anyone like him.
SCORE: 1/10
15 Song: "Bad Guy" by Billee Pissweak
Video: Went to toilet and when I came back there's this teeny tiny girl is singing in a teeny tiny voice that she's the "bad guy". Since she is frequently shown with a bleeding face and bruises, I thought this was a protest song about domestic violence. But it turned out to be about how the teeny tiny girl has pinched somebody's boyfriend. At the end, she's shown wearing a dog-collar and huge black tee-shirt, and seems teenier than ever, as she straddles her prize: a huge buff fuckboy who's doing push-ups in white jocks.
Words: I like it when you take control/Even if you know that you don't
Own me/I'll let you play the role/I'll be your animal
Young and impressionable girls, please attend: as unfair as it may seem, getting your face bashed in repeatedly by a fascinating "bad boy" will NOT make you prettier. And by the way, physical pain actually hurts. A lot.
SCORE: 0/10
13:, Song: "Beautiful People" by Ed Sheeran (Sheerin??).
Words: "We are not beautiful/we are not beautiful/that's not who we are".
Video: suggests we're not beautiful because some of us are not dressed up as prostitutes. Not exactly a lifesaver.
SCORE 1/10
5.. Song: "One Thing Right". Artist: Marshmello and Kane Brown.
Words: "Gonna be crazy. Gonna be wild. At the wrong place in the wrong time. Got one thing right. You".
Video: conveys theme that a nice decent non-slutty girl dressed in a simple white tee shirt and jeans will redeem even the most tedious sub-literate shitface in a tracksuit top. (Look, you owe it to him! Marshmello is not afraid to announce how shite he is! This means he's gold! Marry him and have his babies or end up in that dog collar!)
SCORE 1/10
4.. Song: "10,000 Hours". Artist: Dan (yes, just "Dan") featuring Justin Bieber.
Video: Bieber is spooning a decent non-slutty girl like Marshmello's (see above). He's gonna devote 10,000 hours to loving this decent woman, but he'll always be true to himself.
SCORE: 1/10
3. Song: "Memories". Artist: Maroon 5.
Video: I hated this in less than a second. Maroon 5 is remarkably ordinary looking but this doesn't prevent him from having nothing in his video except a close-up of his face staring right into the camera.
Words: "Everybody hurts sometimes". Also, "dreams bring back all the memories of everything we've been through".
Implication is that at some point, Maroon 5 did One Thing Right and cornered the perfect woman, but then lost her. He's sorry he lost her, and proves it by stalking her with this desperate piece of shit...
SCORE 1/10
2. Song: "Harleys in Hawaii" by Katy Perry
Video: Katy Perry wistfully wishes she could ride Harleys in Hawaii with a guy who looks like a totally shallow fuckboy, but deep down inside is real sensitive and all that.
Words: hard to hear in the midst of all the excitement, but I caught "baby", "gone" and "I'm sad".
SCORE: 1/10
Fell asleep and never found out what number one was.
