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Psycho_Logic

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 20, 2020
Messages
138
Location
Trying to find my self but unable so far.
Sorry all I haven't introduced myself before. I should have but was kind off embarrassed cause my previous act of behaving. I have posted my first post in the Health and Recovery section and as I am to lazy I will mostly copy/paste that post. So here it goes (copy/pastestarts):

"Long time lurker/reader and a previous member. In January came off buprenorphine. During withdrawal had rough time and in a day of madness deleted all of my posts. Now back under new name.

Used all types of drugs for 20 years. Opioids sucked me in in last 6. 2 years of opioid pills, mostly morphine and oxycodone. Never H, or something that is not pharma grade (except kratom). Than went on methadone legally for 6 months. After methadone I have transitioned to buprenorphine and been on it for 3 years. As I said I have stopped buprenorphine in January and am now trying to slowly taper diazepam. I am currently at 25-30mg diazepam daily, trying to stabilize at 25. It is rough.

I have some chronic pain problems, which is why I went into opioid land in the first place. I am determined not to go back to taking opioids as my life is much better without them. Well, except those 3-5 days a month when pain is very bad...

My biggest problem is benzodiazepine dependence. More than 15 years I have been taking them. Never abusing them, but they are holding me very tightly nevertheless.

I am chronically anxious, have lots of fear, even terror, without any obvious reason. I want to quit diazepam as I do not get any benefits anymore, no matter how high the dose goes. Have tried every possible benzo, and when I was taking 6mg of clonazepam or 4mg of alprazolam I would just adapt to that dose and feel the same. There was a time when midazolam could not knock me out and I would go to work after taking 60-90mg midazolam (Dormicum, Roche) the night before, without being able to sleep even for a minute.

Because of those reasons I have decided that I have to stop benzodiazepines all together while I am relatively young (I am in my thirties). Easier said than done though.

I have support of my psychiatrists to take benzos for life, so I have legit script and time to taper. Really would like to be over sooner than later, but after all this years I can not afford to push it.

I do not know where I am regarding buprenorphine/opioid recovery, and to what extent anxiety, depression, insomnia, sensitivity etc., are still due to that.

I am unemployed and this corona pandemic is not helping with that. Just to add that I am from eastern Europe and English is not my native.

I hope to give some support and receive when necessary. My second go with bluelight begins. First try ended with me stopping opioids so it was fruitful. I would like to thank you all for that. I am sorry I acted immature when deleting all posts. As I said I was in a bad place cause of buprenorphine withdrawal.

That's all for my first post under new name.I have read many of your posts and have to tell you that you are strong and beautiful people. No matter what the personal differences you all have, one thing is common - you are strong, intelligent and kind warriors. Thank you for shinning your light so others can see that they are not alone." (copy/paste finished)

Few more informations about my drug use history.

Drugs used:
Alcohol -> started at age 12
Nicotine -> started at age 12

AMPHETAMINES
-> Amphetamine racemic - started at age 15
-> Cocaine - started at age 15
-> MDMA - started at age 15
-> Methylphenidate - not an amphetamine but similar, prescribed in late 20s

HALUCINOGENS
-> LSD - started at age 15
-> Psilocybin- started at age 16
-> DMT - started at age 27
-> Salvia - started at age 27
-> Cannabis - started at age 15

OPIOIDS
-> Tramadol - started at age 30
-> Morphine - started at age 31
-> Codeine - started at age 31
-> Kratom - started at age 31
-> Oxycodone - started at age 31
-> Methadone - started at age 32
-> Buprenorphine - started at age 32
-> Tapentadol - started at age 33

Psychiatric drugs (mostly forced due to amphetamine psychosis in my 20s)

ANTIPSYCHOTICS
-> Olanzapine
-> Quetiapine
-> Ziprasidone
-> Lots of first generation ones

ANTIDEPRESSANTS
-> fluoxetine
-> duloxetine
-> venlafaxine
-> bupropion

ANTIEPILEPTICS
-> carbamazepine
-> pregabalin

BENZODIAZEPINES
-> diazepam
-> lorazepam
-> clonazepam
-> alprazolam
-> bromazepam
-> oxazepam
-> nitrazepam
-> midazolam
-> zolpidem (Z drug)

At the moment, as already said, nothing but diazepam. Stopped all drugs, alcohol and nicotine included. I take paracetamol and ibuprofen for pain.

My favorite class of drugs are psychedelics, especially psilocybin, followed by stimulants, MDMA first pick with the amphetamine racemic/cocaine tied for second place.

I think that I have paid my due with this detailed post. :)
 

SnafuInTheVoid

Bluelighter
Joined
May 27, 2020
Messages
2,831
Location
idk my head hurts
Nice resume. You seem like a quick learner and a valuable asset.

However here at Snafu Corp. (aka the Intergalactic Bank of Time) we require 20 years experience with every drug known to man and 4 masters degrees.

jk welcome friend

oxycodone -> methadone? that's a leap IMO, was it prescribed? curious

Benzos long term are worse to get off than opioids by far. I've been through some truly evil benzo withdrawals, and just recently quit alcohol after getting acute liver failure. We are all here to help each other.
 
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Psycho_Logic

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 20, 2020
Messages
138
Location
Trying to find my self but unable so far.
Thanks for the welcome TheVoid :)

Only thing that was prescribed, from the opioid part was tramadol at the beginning. I moved one step up by myself and started to take morphine and oxycodone (MST Contin & Oxycontine) as I had easy access, but as my tolerance went up I decided to go on a opioid maintenance/replacement therapy. There I was first prescribed buprenorphine 16mg and since it done too little for my pain I tried methadone maintenance. 50mg of methadone gave me a good pain relief but I didn't like the feeling and how it affected my personality. So I went back on buprenorphine. Tappered of recently and stopped it in January. And here I am now. :)

Edit - I used methadone before going on opioid maintenance, but not regularly. So it was not that big of a jump. I jumped over diacetylmorphine part. :)

And yes, benzos do really get inside of you. I know it is not going to be easy and I will take my time with tapering.
 

SnafuInTheVoid

Bluelighter
Joined
May 27, 2020
Messages
2,831
Location
idk my head hurts
Thanks for the welcome TheVoid :)

Only thing that was prescribed, from the opioid part was tramadol at the beginning. I moved one step up by myself and started to take morphine and oxycodone (MST Contin & Oxycontine) as I had easy access, but as my tolerance went up I decided to go on a opioid maintenance/replacement therapy. There I was first prescribed buprenorphine 16mg and since it done too little for my pain I tried methadone maintenance. 50mg of methadone gave me a good pain relief but I didn't like the feeling and how it affected my personality. So I went back on buprenorphine. Tappered of recently and stopped it in January. And here I am now. :)
GJ getting off the opioids. Clean 90+ days now myself after a relapse.

Benzos are my weakness, too. I've always suffered from anxiety. I went through crazy benzo abuse periods which landed me in jail. Just quit 6 years of drinking. I was first prescribed 2mg xanax at 17 o_O (IN REHAB FOR HEROIN!) true/stupid story.

One of my best coping mechanisms with both withdrawal and anxiety is aerobic exercise. It works magic.
 

Psycho_Logic

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 20, 2020
Messages
138
Location
Trying to find my self but unable so far.
Congrats right back at you! Both for stopping on opioids and alcohol! That is quite an accomplishment for 2020. !

Yes, we can do pretty stupid things on benzodiazepines. That is one of the reasons I want to quit them. I am working out, both with the weights and aerobic (playing sports and hiking). It has helped tremendously during buprenorphine withdrawal and I am accustomed to doing it.
 

SnafuInTheVoid

Bluelighter
Joined
May 27, 2020
Messages
2,831
Location
idk my head hurts
Yes, we can do pretty stupid things on benzodiazepines. That is one of the reasons I want to quit them.
Oh man... the stories of my stupidity on large benzo doses.... burglary arrests, overdoses, getting my ass beat....redundantly

Sad part is taken responsibly they actually help a lot with anxiety. Too bad they are the devil in disguise and I have a very hard time controlling my use of any drug.

Right now I'm sticking to psychedelics, weed and kratom (for now, trying to quit kratom, not good for my liver in its current state). Never been happier in at least 10 years. My future is looking bright.
 

madness00

Sr. Moderator: NMI, MH, CD, SLR
Staff member
Joined
Aug 8, 2018
Messages
13,446
Location
New England
@Psycho_Logic - have you checked out The Dark Side? If so, how do you like it?

Welcome to Bluelight officially even though ive seen you around ;) all good and glad to have you.
 

bongdong

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
134
Location
monkeybody
Yo @Psycho_Logic, we met briefly already, but have an official hello now.
You've been through quite some stuff! That's what "normal" people don't get, this is hard work folks! Sorry to hear about your cronic pain situation, i know first hand how that grinds on you over time. People judging addictions and recommending 'toughening up' under such circumstances have no fucking clue about the human capacity to suffer. But it may present an opportunity too, along the lines of what @ageingpartyfiend wrote, maybe someday i'll start a thread and ask you guys about that..

I really wish you good luck and progress with your benzodiazepine project!

@SnafuInTheVoid Congratulations on kicking alcohol! I have the feeling that this shite could have been my ruin too. (I also stopped.) Over the long run, it's clearly a depressant and detrimental to the body, ..but western culture is saturated by it. Now, enough ranting..

Greetings
 

Yacking

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 24, 2020
Messages
98
I'm glad to have met you! Everyone does wonky stuff, hope you don't let that get to you.

I didn't know Tramadol was an opioid. I've been prescribed that for life (hip issue) and tossed it in the trash finally thinking it was like Tylenol.

I just looked it up and sure enough.
I'm pretty confident it wasn't considered one back when I was first prescribed it around 2013.
Edit: Looks like it changed in 2014.
Learn something knew from you once again!
 
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emkee_reinvented

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 27, 2009
Messages
1,721
Location
In the goo
Personally its not going all that well. But I have done positive things to.

Seems real important for me to keep this good vibe. I was really angry a while ago. Didn't work.
 
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