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  • H&R Moderators: Captain.Heroin | cj | Stargazer | tathra

Tapering Benzo withdrawal: Losing my mind

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cj

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Im sitting here in my bed paralyzed with anxiety. I am afraid of robbers, blood clots, and a million other things that didn't bother me before. I am starting to doubt my own resolve. Maybe I should just get back on benzos? Or heroin? Or maybe I should stop the roller coaster myself while I still can. After my last suicide attempt I had a recurring nightmare that I was really in a coma waiting to be declared brain dead. I cant stomach another failure like that.

I really fucked myself this time I think. I feel like I am on a bad LSD trip that will not end. I just took a Seroquel so I can hopefully sleep.
 
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Captain.Heroin

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You shouldn't start using again.
 

VastEmpty

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CJ -

jesus it sounds like you are going through hell. Keep pushing...there is really no other long-term way out of this. I've never been through benzo wds - but I have seen over and over that opiate wds are a walk in a park compared to benzos...and I sure as shit know how opiate wds feel. My heart goes out to you.

Just keep pushing.

- VE
 

cj

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CJ -

jesus it sounds like you are going through hell. Keep pushing...there is really no other long-term way out of this. I've never been through benzo wds - but I have seen over and over that opiate wds are a walk in a park compared to benzos...and I sure as shit know how opiate wds feel. My heart goes out to you.

Just keep pushing.

- VE
I would rather kick heroin 50 times then go through this another day. Its not even comparable to opiate withdrawal and I have been through that nightmare more times then I would like to remember. I didn't even have a large or long benzo addicition so my hell is just a scratch of the surface I guess.

I don't want to get high but at some point I have to save my sanity.
 

VastEmpty

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Thank god-who-isn't-there that I don't know benzo wds. All I can do is send you all my best wishes and good vibes. I'm not one for praying.

You are absolutely right about needing to save your sanity. Is there anything you can replace it with, like phenibut, to give you at least a bit of relief?

- VE
 

CosmicG

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I ended up just going back on benzos. After six months of still not feeling like myself...I just gave up. After a certain amount of damage is done on the GABA it becomes irreversible, and I don't have proof to back it up it's just my opinion based on my experience. I don't feel like me without benzos now, and I guess it's time to just start accepting that. I need to be able to work. Build new relationships. Have a life. I can't do that without drugs anymore. I tried. It's miserable.

Let me know when someone comes up with an easier way, but some kind of life is better then no life at all.

^ and phenibut is a terrible suggestion to relieve benzo withdrawal it will only dig you deeper and deeper and it is it's own separate beast entirely if you don't respect it, as in don't take it every day.
Will it make you feel better? Yeah. Is it a good option? Absolutely not.
Phenibut is good when used responsibly. I am a hypocrite and wouldn't wish this on anyone.
 

Captain.Heroin

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I would rather kick heroin 50 times then go through this another day.
So do a proper methadone taper and a proper, gradual benzodiazepine taper.

From what you said before, you weren't willing to quit methadone in order to comfortably taper off benzos. Have you changed your mind about that?
 

VastEmpty

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^ and phenibut is a terrible suggestion to relieve benzo withdrawal it will only dig you deeper and deeper and it is it's own separate beast entirely if you don't respect it, as in don't take it every day.
Will it make you feel better? Yeah. Is it a good option? Absolutely not.
Phenibut is good when used responsibly. I am a hypocrite and wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Shit, sorry, I thought it might act kinda like Kratom for opiate wds and just provide enough relief to sleep - but not enough to set you back too far like taking a benzo. Thanks for the clarification!

- VE
 

Moreaux

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I ended up just going back on benzos. After six months of still not feeling like myself...I just gave up. After a certain amount of damage is done on the GABA it becomes irreversible, and I don't have proof to back it up it's just my opinion based on my experience. I don't feel like me without benzos now, and I guess it's time to just start accepting that. I need to be able to work. Build new relationships. Have a life. I can't do that without drugs anymore. I tried. It's miserable.

Let me know when someone comes up with an easier way, but some kind of life is better then no life at all.

^ and phenibut is a terrible suggestion to relieve benzo withdrawal it will only dig you deeper and deeper and it is it's own separate beast entirely if you don't respect it, as in don't take it every day.
Will it make you feel better? Yeah. Is it a good option? Absolutely not.
Phenibut is good when used responsibly. I am a hypocrite and wouldn't wish this on anyone.

The damage is not irreversible, it just takes a while ( a long while) to heal and you have to stop all benzos. Starting and stopping them is probably the worst thing you can do if you've already experienced withdrawal. I got cut off of Xanax after using daily for ten years...it was hell, it took two years before I was feeling noticeably better, and after going on seven I am almost back to normal with exception of my memory. It's not an easy recovery but it is possible.

CJ - getting back on benzos isn't going to do much for you at this point as most of the damage from stopping has already happened. When you stop and you don't do a nice slow taper your body can no longer regulate glutamate properly which then becomes excessive and it does very real neurological damage...that damage has already occurred. By taking benzos again you are possibly preventing that damage from healing as neurological tissue does not regenerate while benzos are being actively consumed. While you may feel your anxiety level decrease for a while, the anxiety will not go away and you will build a tolerance quicker. Benzos also kindle, so each subsequent withdrawal is worse than the last one. I wouldn't risk it if I were you. Find your inner strength and remember that this truly is temporary. I know how bad it sucks - words are inadequate to describe the physical and mental pain but it does get better. You have come so far, relapsing is not going to improve your situation.


I don't want to get high but at some point I have to save my sanity.

I know it feels like you are losing your sanity but this is normal - you're not. Your sanity and rationality will return. I think that's kind of a good sign you're feeling this way so soon, I didn't get to that point until about six months in, though I think withdrawal initially rendered me so stupid I wasn't aware of too much.
 
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cj

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So do a proper methadone taper and a proper, gradual benzodiazepine taper.

From what you said before, you weren't willing to quit methadone in order to comfortably taper off benzos. Have you changed your mind about that?
It wasn't that cut and dry a decision. If I would have gone to rehab the benzo taper might have been extended for 3 extra days but there would have been zero methadone taper. No rehab in Alabama is licensed to give methadone only suboxone. I didn't feel 3 extra days of benzos was really worth a 150 mg methadone kick. Maybe I was wrong but that's how I felt.

Also rehab would have cost 6 grand out of pocket detcutible from my insurance provider. I couldn't ask my parents to shell out that kind of cash with me knowing the statistics related to opiate abstinance after rehab. I made the decision based on the information I understood at the time. Hopefully it works out
 

cj

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I am still a mess. I have lost 25 pounds in the 3 weeks since this nightmare started because I cannot eat. I have been taking Seroquel more often in the last week because it seems to help with the paranoid thoughts. My parents are pushing me hard to get into an outpatient rehab but there are very few that will accept someone who is on methadone maintenance. The ones that will accept me are not really places I want to go due to being in drug infested areas and catering to the homeless population. I think my basic strategy right now is too stay away from people and places where drugs are available. So far it has worked as I have been sober since I got out of the hospital.

The counselor I have been seeing for the last year officially dropped me as a patient with a referral to inpatient rehab that she knows I wont accept. I am a little bitter as I feel like she helped me pry open the lid of the sexual abuse I suffered as a kid. I now am drowning in those bad thoughts and no one wants to throw me a life preserver. The mdone clinic is pushing to have me terminated as a client for breaking my behavior contract related to weed. My parents wont me too commit to total abstinence and get off methadone. I just want to feel normal again. I regret everything. So many bad decisions I thought I could hide from. I feel trapped.


edit: Overall I feel I am improving but its slow going.
 
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Captain.Heroin

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I guess that's why people always go out of state when they go to rehab.

Hope you feel better soon.
 

cj

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I'll never go to a rehab that isn't within cab distance of Mt house ever again. I got trapped down in south Florida by a shady rehab detox place and it was beyond miserable. I also think most rehabs are run in similar ways. In fact my parents really want me too go to outpatient rehab but my distaste is so stron that I'm going to find another way to please them. I just hate the self rightous manner those places exude. I almost slapped my counselor at the last one when she told me "we want you to suffer a little withdrawl to make you remember it hurts really bad. Touche but ihadn't slept in 2 weeks before that and had suffered quite enough. Yeah I'm not a big fan of rehab.

I feel better today then I did a week ago so I am making a little progress. I think everything's going to work out.
 

Mushwood

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Glad you feel better today man. It felt like a bad acid trip for me too when I came off benzos after 10 years. A bad trip that seemed would never end. Fucking horrible, the kind of twisted thoughts going through my head.


But that phase didn't last too long, Hopefully sounds like it's passing for you now too.


Cutting out stimulants helped a little bit.

Keep it up!
 

belfort

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The damage is not irreversible, it just takes a while ( a long while) to heal and you have to stop all benzos. Starting and stopping them is probably the worst thing you can do if you've already experienced withdrawal. I got cut off of Xanax after using daily for ten years...it was hell, it took two years before I was feeling noticeably better, and after going on seven I am almost back to normal with exception of my memory. It's not an easy recovery but it is possible.

CJ - getting back on benzos isn't going to do much for you at this point as most of the damage from stopping has already happened. When you stop and you don't do a nice slow taper your body can no longer regulate glutamate properly which then becomes excessive and it does very real neurological damage...that damage has already occurred. By taking benzos again you are possibly preventing that damage from healing as neurological tissue does not regenerate while benzos are being actively consumed. While you may feel your anxiety level decrease for a while, the anxiety will not go away and you will build a tolerance quicker. Benzos also kindle, so each subsequent withdrawal is worse than the last one. I wouldn't risk it if I were you. Find your inner strength and remember that this truly is temporary. I know how bad it sucks - words are inadequate to describe the physical and mental pain but it does get better. You have come so far, relapsing is not going to improve your situation.





I know it feels like you are losing your sanity but this is normal - you're not. Your sanity and rationality will return. I think that's kind of a good sign you're feeling this way so soon, I didn't get to that point until about six months in, though I think withdrawal initially rendered me so stupid I wasn't aware of too much.
Same here but I can't go 6 months feeling completely confucsed mentally with sky high restlessness and anxiety/paranoia..I gotta work and function

Benzo withdrawals are terrible..literally feel like you are losing your mind
 

belfort

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I am still a mess. I have lost 25 pounds in the 3 weeks since this nightmare started because I cannot eat. I have been taking Seroquel more often in the last week because it seems to help with the paranoid thoughts. My parents are pushing me hard to get into an outpatient rehab but there are very few that will accept someone who is on methadone maintenance. The ones that will accept me are not really places I want to go due to being in drug infested areas and catering to the homeless population. I think my basic strategy right now is too stay away from people and places where drugs are available. So far it has worked as I have been sober since I got out of the hospital.

The counselor I have been seeing for the last year officially dropped me as a patient with a referral to inpatient rehab that she knows I wont accept. I am a little bitter as I feel like she helped me pry open the lid of the sexual abuse I suffered as a kid. I now am drowning in those bad thoughts and no one wants to throw me a life preserver. The mdone clinic is pushing to have me terminated as a client for breaking my behavior contract related to weed. My parents wont me too commit to total abstinence and get off methadone. I just want to feel normal again. I regret everything. So many bad decisions I thought I could hide from. I feel trapped.


edit: Overall I feel I am improving but its slow going.

What is this 'normal' you speak of?id like to get back there but after long term drug use, I have no concept of what my normal state is
 

cj

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What is this 'normal' you speak of?id like to get back there but after long term drug use, I have no concept of what my normal state is
Good point. Truthfully I want to get back to smoking weed everyday. I smoked some resin today and had a full blown panic attack. I guess I'm going to have to find a new drug or something.
 

cj

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De ja fucking vu. Arguing with my family. Go to rehab blah blah blah. I just want to die and leave behind a tenth of the pain I have felt over this lifetime. Im sick of being trapped. \\


Just had another panic attack. This is truly gnarly I am really surprised anyone could make it through this after using for a couple years.
 
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