Becoming physically addicted to meth, heavy drinker too.

[Joey]

Just wanted to express my frustration at myself for what I've been up to for months now. Not a single day goes by I'm not using meth, and I drink hard fairly often too as per the title..

I've been on a crazy run since January, and haven''t had a day off since the start of April. I smoke meth every day, and the last 2, 3 if I do it today I've started up some IV use as well. Every day when I wake up, I feel absolutely horrible until I've had a hit of meth or a few. I feel pretty rough when I'm on it too now. It just doesn't work at all anymore. Some alcohol can loosen things up and I drink pretty heavy when I do, but in the end I feel worse off for that too. It's hard to describe, and feels kind of (very) contra-indicative to keep doing this if it's just making me sick now (more than I ever thought possible with amps) but it's worse if I don't.. not to the level of an opiate withdrawal so horribly sick physically but it's enough. The psychological addiction is the worst I've ever been through.

I beat heroin, and methadone. I had a run-in with fent for 6 weeks or so last year, and defeated that addiction too. Meth.. I don't know man. It's my reason for getting up, or what gives me the ability to anyway. I have a heart condition, just got the results frmo my cardiologist yesterday. It's nothing new, and the update on the progress of my aortic valve (have a degenerative condition from birth found out age 23) isn't anything crazy like I'm being told it's in horrible shape.. but it's worse than 2 years ago last check. I believe fully that if it weren't for my drug abuse I'd be in better shape than I am. It'll be a hell of a thing getting a valve replacement, not if but when I need one if I'm still on these drugs. Doctors don't like to operate on people replacing anything if they're active addicts.

Biggest warning is if I get an infection in the valve, that could destroy it. I think I'm gonna stop this IV shit before I get hooked into that garbage again, but the point still hits home. I'm not in any shape to be abusing the hell out of meth, smoking shit ton cigarettes, drinking, whatever. It's especially hard on me, and I do feel it in my heart someitmes. In more ways than one. Pretty painful experience these days, I'm pushing 30 and having that whole stupid crisis about getting a bit older now too.

Just a vent. Thanks.

 

[yubacity]

My bro you are just 30 that is nothing i know its hard to stop but this is your life at stake . You beat heroin and methadone so you know you got the will power to do it . At the moment it seems like you cant get through your day without meth but its not food or water . Try missing a day at first then work your way up . We only get one life my brother and you got your whole life ahead of you

 

[yubacity]

How you feeling bruv.

 

[Joey]

How you feeling bruv.

Im okay. In a better mood today than the last few thats for sure. Been playing some guitar, messing around with some new recording gear I got. Getting things done around the house a bit. About to cut the grass.

Im still high though. Been IVing still, and decent amounts. Actually feeling what I used to feel sort of for the first in a long time. Its pretty reckless of me to do that though. Im at my wits end on the inside, but still.. todays been a decent day.

 

[yubacity]

Good to hear you're having a better day. Keeping busy is good might not seem it but being on your wit's end on the inside is good means you fed up with the vicious cycle of addiction. Don't try to think you got to stop straight away just take little steps each day. You know it can be done fuck me you got off methadone I hear what hell that can be. Being truthful I don't really enjoy a clean life but I did it little by little with loads of fuck ups along the way. I just settle for weed. Does it compare to smoking heroin fuck no but weed does not fuck me in the end like brown. You know that you cant continue down the path you on it will kill you.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Im still high though. Been IVing still, and decent amounts. Actually feeling what I used to feel sort of for the first in a long time.

The problem with meth is that it pretty soon stops making you feel high as your receptors get fucked up. Even getting the rush from IV starts becoming more and more difficult. Stopping is a bitch, even when you don’t feel much from it anymore - especially if you delight in the needle ritual. However it sounds like you have the inner strength to get on top of your addiction. Remember how strong you are and what you’ve accomplished in the past.

I went from daily to weekly to monthly once but have also done cold turkey. IMHO going cold turkey is the way to go because you only have to go through one comedown. Prepare yourself with a good supply of benzos if need be before you try.

Go easy on your heart and best of luck - we’re all here to help you whichever way you decide to go.

 

[Joey]

The problem with meth is that it pretty soon stops making you feel high as your receptors get fucked up. Even getting the rush from IV starts becoming more and more difficult. Stopping is a bitch, even when you don’t feel much from it anymore - especially if you delight in the needle ritual. However it sounds like you have the inner strength to get on top of your addiction. Remember how strong you are and what you’ve accomplished in the past.

I went from daily to weekly to monthly once but have also done cold turkey. IMHO going cold turkey is the way to go because you only have to go through one comedown. Prepare yourself with a good supply of benzos if need be before you try.

Go easy on your heart and best of luck - we’re all here to help you whichever way you decide to go.

Thank you. I may just do that stock on on a decent benzo if I can..

Ive seriously been more often considering a strong psychedelic trip as a way through this though. It wouldnt be the biggest deal to source some mescaline or maybe (maybe) some acid. Id consider something like an ayahuasca ceremony but thats very expensive, and maybe not available because covid?. A friend if mine had some pretty positive results for awhile and Ive read plenty of testimony to psychedelic experiences working well on an addiction if its approached that way as a tool or means to growth.

Im actually being dead serious, does anyone have any experience or knowledge to this sort of thing? Ive partied with some mushrooms and taken disassociatives in past for fun but never have I been on a strong, strong trip with a goal like this in mind. Am I just being silly or is this viable?

Ibogaine has done wonders for some peoples opiate addictions for example, not sure how many but thats well publicized.

 

[Joey]

Well I'm in another morning, up all night reflecting on this shit again. I've called a treatment program that's 3 weeks long, in-patient or out. I'll be opting for inpatient. I have to or else I'm positive I'd come home and get high. Not logistically possible with the distance for outpatient anyway. Perfect.

It's been a few days since I left a voicemail on the machine there. This place has just recently opened up again after months of shut down. For the most part I'm pretty sure this whole thing has most of the programs out there still shut down or reduced capacity. Phone calls take awhile to come back to me in anything I've done since I moved into my current locale in April. Actually wanted to go to rehab in March, but I was unable to. Covid.

This will be rehab #6 btw. Aside from all the inpatient programs I've been in, I've done a ton of outpatient counselling, groups, psychiatric, all that shit you know? Endless cycle of people and places to the point that I can't even remember it all anymore. My memory is pretty shot anyway.

Only thing I haven't been in is jail/prison or the morgue I guess. I have no criminal record. I've rarely committed any serious crimes beyond possession. I don't deal (though I have very briefly at a point years ago and since nothing past a blue moon favor for a friend), I don't run around fucking people over, I don't steal, I don't very often go out at all if I can help it.

Then, when I do it's all fucked up and just reaffirms a need to isolate if I'm to stay safe. I'm lucky though, since I've been in some fucked up spots and I think I have enough of a reputation of being a drug addict that it's just sheer fucking luck that I'm unscathed on paper criminally. Back to the morgue - I'm still kicking alive too. I just can't kick the shit.

I'd better call that place again today and make myself known as someone who's persistent. Sometimes I know from experience that repeat calls help in this situation (among others e.g. jobs) and can even be required when on a wait list. I'm not gonna wait for an answer anymore. Not without calling in myself and seeing. It's only a couple hours til someone's definitely in.

I'm a tweaker so I'll manage to be up still. No rest for the wicked, not when I need my ticket. An opportunity out to kick it.

 

[BK38]

Well I'm in another morning, up all night reflecting on this shit again. I've called a treatment program that's 3 weeks long, in-patient or out. I'll be opting for inpatient. I have to or else I'm positive I'd come home and get high. Not logistically possible with the distance for outpatient anyway. Perfect.

It's been a few days since I left a voicemail on the machine there. This place has just recently opened up again after months of shut down. For the most part I'm pretty sure this whole thing has most of the programs out there still shut down or reduced capacity. Phone calls take awhile to come back to me in anything I've done since I moved into my current locale in April. Actually wanted to go to rehab in March, but I was unable to. Covid.

This will be rehab #6 btw. Aside from all the inpatient programs I've been in, I've done a ton of outpatient counselling, groups, psychiatric, all that shit you know? Endless cycle of people and places to the point that I can't even remember it all anymore. My memory is pretty shot anyway.

Only thing I haven't been in is jail/prison or the morgue I guess. I have no criminal record. I've rarely committed any serious crimes beyond possession. I don't deal (though I have very briefly at a point years ago and since nothing past a blue moon favor for a friend), I don't run around fucking people over, I don't steal, I don't very often go out at all if I can help it.

Then, when I do it's all fucked up and just reaffirms a need to isolate if I'm to stay safe. I'm lucky though, since I've been in some fucked up spots and I think I have enough of a reputation of being a drug addict that it's just sheer fucking luck that I'm unscathed on paper criminally. Back to the morgue - I'm still kicking alive too. I just can't kick the shit.

I'd better call that place again today and make myself known as someone who's persistent. Sometimes I know from experience that repeat calls help in this situation (among others e.g. jobs) and can even be required when on a wait list. I'm not gonna wait for an answer anymore. Not without calling in myself and seeing. It's only a couple hours til someone's definitely in.

I'm a tweaker so I'll manage to be up still. No rest for the wicked, not when I need my ticket. An opportunity out to kick it.

Good luck. Hopefully you'll get in! I've been to a few rehabs myself and I'm not sure 3 weeks is enough ime. I would look into getting into an outpatient as soon as the three weeks of more intensive inpatient ends. I've never met anyone that felt a month was enough for more than a brief "dry out" period. PAWs is a bitch. Fingers crossed for you.

 

[Joey]

Spoke with someone. Theres going to be some discussion among staff and Ill get a call back. Have a feeling they may know who I am depending how separate this program is from the detox portion of the facility.. been in the detox which facilitates this program couple dozen or so times.. dont even know anymore.

Actually did this same program in 2011 for what was primarily an alcohol addiction. It was a good experience, though it didn't end well. After transferring to another place, I started drinking on weekend passes.. figured out how to time my drunk to pass a saliva test. The second weekend, I just went and grabbed my stuff without an explanation. Not til a bit later in an AA meeting. There was no point being there anymore and I couldn't live in that situation any longer.

Just wanted to to fuckin' drink, and I wound up dabbling in some coke/crack, dilaudids, E and whatever else. Did my first needles, couple weeks use. Used meth a couple times over this entire saga too. Wish I knew how much of a fucking problem those things would become later.

I stayed primarily alcoholic til 25 and turned to hardcore pills and especially heroin. Then everything went to meth. Id already been in 5/5 of my inpatient programs by then, age 24 in 2015. Ive never been in for straight drugs til whats coming up now. Still drink enough but its no longer my first choice, more the coaster for my T.

I'm hoping to knock this out in this 3 weeks, maybe 4 seeing Ill definitely check myself into detox (have to actually) before starting the program.. Id like not to spend another long stay, up to several months. Since Ive applied to a uni for an associates in computer science Im going to make a compromise on what Id normally spend in time, "inside". Theres followup, Ive been there done that before more than once, I'm banking on this getting me back on track with sobriety, regardless of any paradigm change to drugs. Its all the same, though I know meth heads tend to recover less statistically.

Im resolved in this ending in a better future. Im sick of beating myself up for this. And if I go wayward Im sick of drowning in that pool of anxiety, shame, day 1 bullshit too. With abstinence in mind, this is really an harm reduction approach this time. Ive been trying it out, but out of control. Im just doing it now. Im setting this up and getting the fuck out of down town.

 

[Joey]

Good luck. Hopefully you'll get in! I've been to a few rehabs myself and I'm not sure 3 weeks is enough ime. I would look into getting into an outpatient as soon as the three weeks of more intensive inpatient ends. I've never met anyone that felt a month was enough for more than a brief "dry out" period. PAWs is a bitch. Fingers crossed for you.

Absolutely there will be outpatient and followup. Hopefully by then outpatient will be running full swing cause Im in outpatient, still waiting for my first phone call 6 weeks after my intake and its going to be once a month when I get the call! Pisses me off..

Its not easy these days to get into anything. I don't know yet how backlogged this treatment program may be when its just reopening or what the restrictions are.

Its gonna work out, Itll have to up to and including more inpatient if I ever get to a point I cant accept again. Im pretty aware of this, ive relapsed 100% of the time so far, out of control shit.

 

[mal3volent]

Good luck man.

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

Just wanted to express my frustration at myself for what I've been up to for months now. Not a single day goes by I'm not using meth, and I drink hard fairly often too as per the title..

I've been on a crazy run since January, and haven''t had a day off since the start of April. I smoke meth every day, and the last 2, 3 if I do it today I've started up some IV use as well. Every day when I wake up, I feel absolutely horrible until I've had a hit of meth or a few. I feel pretty rough when I'm on it too now. It just doesn't work at all anymore. Some alcohol can loosen things up and I drink pretty heavy when I do, but in the end I feel worse off for that too. It's hard to describe, and feels kind of (very) contra-indicative to keep doing this if it's just making me sick now (more than I ever thought possible with amps) but it's worse if I don't.. not to the level of an opiate withdrawal so horribly sick physically but it's enough. The psychological addiction is the worst I've ever been through.

I beat heroin, and methadone. I had a run-in with fent for 6 weeks or so last year, and defeated that addiction too. Meth.. I don't know man. It's my reason for getting up, or what gives me the ability to anyway. I have a heart condition, just got the results frmo my cardiologist yesterday. It's nothing new, and the update on the progress of my aortic valve (have a degenerative condition from birth found out age 23) isn't anything crazy like I'm being told it's in horrible shape.. but it's worse than 2 years ago last check. I believe fully that if it weren't for my drug abuse I'd be in better shape than I am. It'll be a hell of a thing getting a valve replacement, not if but when I need one if I'm still on these drugs. Doctors don't like to operate on people replacing anything if they're active addicts.

Biggest warning is if I get an infection in the valve, that could destroy it. I think I'm gonna stop this IV shit before I get hooked into that garbage again, but the point still hits home. I'm not in any shape to be abusing the hell out of meth, smoking shit ton cigarettes, drinking, whatever. It's especially hard on me, and I do feel it in my heart someitmes. In more ways than one. Pretty painful experience these days, I'm pushing 30 and having that whole stupid crisis about getting a bit older now too.

Just a vent. Thanks.

I'd be MUCH more concerned about the alcohol. Meth withdrawal may make you feel like all your blood has been replaced with puke, but alcohol withdrawal is often fatal. My bestfriend/partner/soulmate died of alcohol withdrawal. I myself had a seizure that lasted so long (over 6 minutes) that they had to put me into a Phenobarbital coma to stop it (they had injected me with 10mg diazepam and then 5mg Lorazepam and it still wouldn't stop). I was actually in the emergency room when I had the seizure and was told if I had been anywhere else I would have died before I got to the hospital. It was also so violent I fractured my spine, hair-line fracture of my left wrist, dislocated my right shoulder, cracked my left optical socket open, broke 6 ribs and gave myself a concussion. I actually have permanent brain damage due to hypoxia. If the seizures don't kill you, heart attack and stroke are also big risks. And it (seizures) can be SUDDEN. The first time I had one I felt FINE but it had been 12 hours since I had had a drink so decided I better go get one and then next thing I knew there were paramedics there telling me I'd had a grand mal seizure. The scary thing is my dad was in the room and he said as I fell my head was gonna whack the corner of the coffee table and he managed to shove my body in a different direction at the last second. Head injuries are just as dangerous as the actual seizure itself killing you. I had one in the bathroom once and split my head open on the side of the bathtub.
I've also had a mini-stroke from alcohol withdrawal (at age 20) and afterwards the left half ofd my body was numb and I didn't recognise my parents and last year I had a series of mini-strokes that left me profoundly confused and disoriented for months.
I'm not trying to scare you, I just want you to be safe. Never ever ever stop drinking suddenly (unless you are in hospital or a detox facility being monitored by doctors and being given a benzodiazapine to safely detox). It's actually worse to even just slightly reduce your drinking than it is to keep drinking. ALWAYS see a doctor. If you DO try and taper off alcohol, two SMALL (25ml) shots of vodka or less than 1 pint of beer per day is the MAXIMUM safe amount to reduce by.
The heart condition makes alcohol withdrawal extra dangerous for you as it makes your heart rate and blood pressure soar massively (hence cardiac arrest or stroke).

 

[Jabberwocky]

Best of luck. Don’t be put off by the number of times you’ve done detox or rehab. We all know recovery is a lifelong process with lots of twists and turns. I benefitted greatly from a 3 week rehab previously. The trick is to participate as openly and honestly as you can. I also found that at my worst addiction doing 90 meetings in 90 days helped me get stable even though I don’t fully believe in the 12 step methodology and moved on from there after a few months.

 

[Joey]

Thanks for all the responses. It is much appreciated.

I got a call back today from the intake worker. I received the forms via e-mail, filled them out, and sent them back. I am to call in weekly until a spot is available.

Programs been reduced to 2 weeks because covid. No smoking now too. Recent development, kind of pisses me off.

Honestly, I almost said I wasn't going to go then. They have gum, patches, etc so Ill get by and anyone else who's a smoker and goes, but I know there's a lot of people who wont go into a place you cant even smoke cigarettes.

Kind of a BS change to make, its the difference between showing up and making it or saying fuck that and going down somewhere for some people. Seriously, the place had a smoking area 3 months ago and smoking laws haven't changed so far as I know, so what gives?

Regardless Im glad Im going. My application and file will need review and I have some mental health issues listed but I dont foresee any issues. They already know who I am. Ive never had any problems getting along or adhering to their rules and regulations since I first showed up in 2011 to detox first time.. my first attempts at recovery were within this facility. Maybe my last will be too, its up to me.

No matter what this has to stop. Im going a little insane here. Sitting in my room with jungle music playing stoned and drinking like an idiot with nothing good going on. Some fucked up argument in my head. Whenever I can just go Ill be glad.

An intake worker at the outpatient counseling Im signed up for suggestd I could go sooner to slow this down, in his words a harm reduction approach. We know that detox on its.own isnt viable enough for a quit, often. Its just the first step, stopping the use.. but Im considering it now. If itll get me slowed down at all to run that cycle before I go in I might just do that. This shit is driving me crazy anyway.

And the people in my mind, these meth hallucinations were all arguing against the idea of this basically saying that detox is the end of the chain as I was writing that? Like a detox cant be utilized that way? Lol, its fuckin weird. Even the 2-3 weeks Ill put in here showing up for detox early before the program is a short run for me trying to stop 100%. Personal experience, its a risk Im taking and also the only option I currently have going for me.

Might wind up looking into longer term while there.. Ill probably miss school though.

Anythings possible I guess, including delusions which contradict everything I think haha. Its a fuckin joke.

 

[Joey]

Spoke with the detox today as per my weekly check-in. They may have a few spots open next week, and they want me stable before I start so I'm to detox and start taking my meds properly. I haven't been taking them at all lately, very rarely. So I'm having a conversation with my partner when he gets home from wotk and I figure I'll be in either tonight or tomorrow. Having kind of a last hurrah, I'm pretty fuckin' high and having some drinks before I go. May as well go out with a bang (or a few).

A part of me wants to just rebel and say fuck it. Honestly I'm almost out of meth and the supply around here is completely dry anyway, up to $40 a POINT ad I've been paying between $20-33 a GRAM getting bulk amounts. Get large amounts so I'm not running around getting in shit too much.. but I'm deep in it. The other part of me is relieved that this is almosr over.

All I need to do is tie a couple loose ends like tell my boss that I'm going now (he knows what I'm doing and is supportive). Get ready with a time and go. This is it boys, I'm out of here or a bit.

I'll still be on here some but not as much, phone use is limited to 2hr/day I think from when I was last in in late March - Apr 3. Couldn't get any help then, now I've got a chance to fix this once and for all. No more meth. Some other stuff I honestly don't care, or expect perfection anyway. Tired of that letdown when the inevitable happens. But I can stay sober as long as I can, maybe even beat my 10 months. I can never touch meth again, or a needle, or anything that's been ruining my life for a good 15 years now. I'm going in with an harm reduction approach, and there I will stay.

30s will not be a repeat of my 20s. Fuck that, it's time to get real and get a grip on this once and for all.

 

[Jabberwocky]

.

30s will not be a repeat of my 20s. Fuck that, it's time to get real and get a grip on this once and for all.

Good work mate. You can do it. You are setting a fine example for others to follow too. Best of luck and keep us updated how you are travelling.

 

[allone]

from personal experience, mixing any addiction with alcohol is 10x the struggle to quit all together. ive been able to slow down on the drugs and other addiction issues i have only to have alcohol causing me severe problems like ending up on suicide watch, two times now, in mental institutions. i cannot figure out to this day how to quit alcohol honestly. ill take benzos but they barely touch the tip of the iceberg for me. like they just sedate your ass a bit, but what else do they do, nothing! i end up drinking on them anyway. then add few drugs like opiates to the mix. nicotine, then porn etc. repeat.
anyway, i dont mean to talk about myself but i wish i can find others so we work together to figure out some type of treatment for this hell. like i dont have interest in stimulants as much anymore so i cannot relate to the meth thing, but i wish i am able to help you stop alcohol at least. that crap is worse than any drug or anything, personally its my belief. in your case is the stimulation of meth that drives you to redose alcohol, im sure. since meth turns you on and stimulates the shit out of you and you seek something to relax, why not just try the benzos method? in your case, they might actually help more than they help me. you are just overstimulated. i dont take such harsh stimulants, im just addicted to the actual stimulant effect of alcohol. but in your case you already have a very potent stimulant in the face of meth, so just take sedatives? i think if you manage to slow down or quit alcohol alltogether than eventually you will have much better grip on also quitting drugs.
can i ask, if you have only alcohol without meth, does it feel empty and just not fun?

 

[Jabberwocky]

I know the OP said she was going in with a harm minimisation approach but I reckon, at least for a while, meth calls for total abstinence approach. In my limited experience one use cascades into subsequent uses even if they are a few weeks or a month apart. Not really a physical addiction but the cravings can start up weeks after your last go. Doubly so if you were using IV and something triggers you.

I also agree with @allone about alcohol. I was lucky that stims put me off alcohol (and all other downers) forever and I don’t drink anymore. But in the past many of my stim binges resulted from first lowering my inhibitions with booze and suddenly having the bright idea that I needed to get high. Also the post-boozeup depression and anxiety made me get high more than once as a way over it. Seemed like a good idea at the time as it always does.

Booze really is an insidious drug that’s got me in more trouble and damaged my body more than any other.

 

[vision conquest]

That's a big help that your employer knows what is happening and is supportive.

You can do this, best wishes to you.