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April Recovery Thread

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I am doing well thus far, despite last month being incredibly stressful. This will be a better month. It has to be a better month.
 
I had a really shitty day today. I was talking to this girl who works at the sober living today and I let slip that a have a warrant in another state and I lied about it on the application. I'm a fucking idiot trust me I already know. I'm probably going to get evicted. I don't know why this bitch feels it necessary to ruin my life. Some bullshit misguided honesty I'm sure. It's fucked even when I try to do right things fall apart. I guess I should just accept that my life is going to be a series of fucking disasters.

Then my fucking aa sponsor had the nerve to tell me that the outcome is up too god. No the outcome is up to a bunch of self rightous pricks who are proffiting off my mental illness. But it's my fault. I can't get out of my own fucking way

Thanks for starting the thread captain
 
Oh not good... Hopefully you don't have to suffer too much from your slip.
 
fuuuck cj i really hope they don't chuck you out.

and i hope, if you stay, its better than the sober living places near me. pure drama cos you've got a load of emotionally undeveloped people at close quarters, and lots of use, people swapping urine so their mates don't get chucked out.

your sponsor would say that, its the fucking program innit. but sometimes a bit of practical advice or acknowledgement that its really stressful and painful, and probably feels like it puts your recovery in danger, would be more useful than being told to 'let go and let god'
 
Staying sober until April 21st - April 27th, which is a planned excursion.

All intentions on staying sober afterward. Except the occasional toke.
 
Staying sober until April 21st - April 27th, which is a planned excursion.

All intentions on staying sober afterward. Except the occasional toke.

How are you feeling? I hope you are well man. I know for me I'm doing alright for the most part. Just a bit stressed with real life crap.
 
I'm holding up pretty well. I feel content and excited for the future. A new work opportunity has come up and they want me working in a role that is above the entry level. Just need to pass the background check..

Have been drinking the past couple nights. I always get crazy ideas when I drink, but ATM I have a lot to live for and would never put that in jeopardy.

CH - You remind me of that 90's one hit wonder by Chumbawamba.. "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gunna keep me down" x16. I have been pretty caught up recently, but i'm all ears for you if you need them. Shoot me one.
 
I will some time. I'm incredibly busy but I will.

I used to get suicidal almost every day at least once if not frequently and I've been feeling a lot more confident and better about my shitty life. I had to just see things differently and shit. It was weird. I don't really know what happened, changed or how to put it into words.
 
7 months sober now and life keeps been getting better everyday. Been staying busy snowboarding going to yoga everyday, hitting up meetings about three times a week and finishing my degree. Props to everyone begging our continuing their journey in recoervy.
 
7 months sober now and life keeps been getting better everyday. Been staying busy snowboarding going to yoga everyday, hitting up meetings about three times a week and finishing my degree. Props to everyone begging our continuing their journey in recoervy.
Love people working on degrees, absolutely love 'em. What are you in for? You don't have to share if you don't want to. I hope it goes well for you!

I don't do meetings. I don't interact well with others. ?

The exercise and the rest of it I can connect with for sure though. ???
 
fuck me its still early april and i've got the closest i have to using since i left rehab. 6 months in and still perilously close to fucking it all up sometimes.

really not sure how a life 'free from active addiction' is necessarily a desirable choice sometimes, cos my brain convinces me it wouldn't get so bad this time.
 
fuuuck cj i really hope they don't chuck you out.

and i hope, if you stay, its better than the sober living places near me. pure drama cos you've got a load of emotionally undeveloped people at close quarters, and lots of use, people swapping urine so their mates don't get chucked out.

your sponsor would say that, its the fucking program innit. but sometimes a bit of practical advice or acknowledgement that its really stressful and painful, and probably feels like it puts your recovery in danger, would be more useful than being told to 'let go and let god'

Thanks chinup. I got it worked out I think. Yeah the program is kind of useless. I'm trying to keep an open mind but it's hard for me to ignore the glaring problems with it. Like I was in a meeting this morning and the guy was like "the truth is very few of us make it". I just had the most hopeless feeling. Ive been to a meeting everyday since I got here. I got a sponsor. I'm trying to build a life. But the last few days I've just wanted to slit my wrists. The task just seems too large I guess.
 
glad your housing thing is hopefully worked out.

i'm feeling a bit like that about the program right now. and i hate how they have it inbuilt that if it doesn't work for you, its your fault, you didn't work the steps correctly, you weren't committed enough. i still go to meetings most days but mostly to keep me busy and cos i only have 1 friend up here outside of NA. i'm just hoping that keeping up my step work, something will happen.

can you break building a life down a bit? like, have a shower, leave the fucking house, talk to a human being, find some voluntary work, actually go to your voluntary work, etc? i feel like a hypocrite saying that though cos i bailed on my sponsor, missed my service, and have basically been in bed since thursday cos i exhausted myself epically flipping out.

the success rates can be demoralising. but i find them motivating, i am arrogant enough to feel like i'm special, so should aim to be in the 5% successes, not the 95% failures.
 
"the truth is very few of us make it". I just had the most hopeless feeling. Ive been to a meeting everyday since I got here. I got a sponsor. I'm trying to build a life. But the last few days I've just wanted to slit my wrists. The task just seems too large I guess.
There's something special about you though, man, and it makes all the difference between us and the pile of corpses that ended up overdosing. They were someone's brothers, mothers, fathers, sisters. They were someone's loved ones. We're still here, breathing and living our lives. Don't underestimate that. Think about all the times we could have unintentionally overdosed, or we could have succeeded at a suicide attempt: fact is, we didn't.

Don't give up so easily buddy.

I still want to kill myself a lot but the thoughts are basically gone, which is amazing because I only foresaw it getting worse, not better.

I'm finding a lot of meaning and joy in work, education, "other people" (I couldn't get that out without quotes mark cj; you know me, you know that was a joke) but it's true. I think I'm starting to come "full circle" back to what it was all meant to be about. Having good times, making good friends, telling some good stories and hearing some even better ones from other people. Wondering what we're all really here for on planet Earth, struggling with absurdism and finding acceptance in the lack of meaning in our continual pursuit of it. You know?

I meet a lot of people who are deeply intelligent and are struggling, paycheck to paycheck, and a lot of them have pieced their lives together after disaster, addiction, prison or what not. I think you have to realize there's an unfathomably large number of people in our very situations. If "very few" of us make it, that's still a lot of people who get out of this mess. You can't think of "very few get out of this" and think your odds are numbered low. It's not like that. It's just that there's a lot of dead bodies along the way, a lot of incarceration and a lot of relapse. You don't have to follow other people's mistakes, you can be a leader in doing what's right for your life.

Always believe in yourself, at the very least because I do. The average person is a moron and you've got your head screwed on right. That means a LOT in this world.
 
glad your housing thing is hopefully worked out.

i'm feeling a bit like that about the program right now. and i hate how they have it inbuilt that if it doesn't work for you, its your fault, you didn't work the steps correctly, you weren't committed enough. i still go to meetings most days but mostly to keep me busy and cos i only have 1 friend up here outside of NA. i'm just hoping that keeping up my step work, something will happen.

can you break building a life down a bit? like, have a shower, leave the fucking house, talk to a human being, find some voluntary work, actually go to your voluntary work, etc? i feel like a hypocrite saying that though cos i bailed on my sponsor, missed my service, and have basically been in bed since thursday cos i exhausted myself epically flipping out.

the success rates can be demoralising. but i find them motivating, i am arrogant enough to feel like i'm special, so should aim to be in the 5% successes, not the 95% failures.

It's the Free Will Fallacy. Of course it's your fault, if you believe in free will. Otherwise it's no one's fault and no one wants to blame REALITY for you being a drug addict, or the fact that NO ONE IS IN CONTROL. That's a scary concept! 7 billion non-playable characters on auto-pilot! OF COURSE no one wants to admit that to themselves EVEN IF THEY KNOW IT'S REAL.

We might not have any control in anything, let alone JUST our addictions. If that's the case, it really IS NO ONE'S FAULT and you never have to beat yourself up over it again.
I think if you believe in free will, and want to get clean, yeah, your success "rate" (whether or not OTHER People get clean is TOTALLY IRRELEVANT to whether YOU DO though, the overall # shouldn't be taken with any seriousness) might be really low. Just admit you are totally out of control. There is no higher power; the higher power is going to be your free will, the drug, or it simply just won't be a real entity. But we really are powerless over our addictions and much, much more.

I know some of y'all are in programs, and what not, but believe in the determinism thing, guys. Let's say you have free will to not use TODAY. You did NOT possess this degree of free will in active addiction. It's important to admit YES, I was out of control even if you want to IMAGINE that you have control now (you don't, sad but true, things just happen to be the way they are). It's a freeing feeling to realize that you were truly powerless to stop. Not because you didn't appeal to a higher power (what would that even be? Praying to a non-existent god for non-existent free will? Praying for a delusion of a free will in a world where you don't believe in god?) but just because none of us were ever powerful enough to control ourselves to begin with. If people didn't like heroin, they wouldn't use it. If they liked it the way I did OF COURSE THEY'D USE IT TOO MUCH. Such is the nature of reality...

Like literally, CJ, Chinup, don't blame yourselves. Forgive yourselves. If you want like REALLY WANT or HAVE TO believe in free will, admit you made the wrong decisions, that you are capable of making bad decisions but you want to try a new way of life. Of course, it's not really like you are doing any of this, you've done it and you're reliving it, but it's not like you get a second bite at the apple. It's already been eaten and this is a slow-motion video of you eating it. Watch carefully as nothing changes. Were you ever really choosing to do the first iteration to begin with? Does it matter?

(Deeply sorry if this went far over some people's heads)
 
Thanks CH I needed to hear that this morning
 
CH you are very wise. thanks, that was useful to read. i think realising i'm just as powerless over my recovery as i was over my use (i had no trouble admitting that, i didn't even try to control it by the end) is going to be key.

though not sure if its due to determinism, i believe in the everettian interpretation of quantum mechanics, and though that's deterministic for the multiverse, its not for a single universe. i do know what i'm talking about cos i have a phd in quantum computing, and you can't sit on the fence when you have to reason about probability in that way. either way, theoretical physics may well be irrelevant to the question of free will as consciousness may well be an emergent phenomenon, so it makes no difference to my recovery.
 
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