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Anyone ever had a bad experience with BDSM?

MrsGamp

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 3, 2020
Messages
1,280
As above -be it merely comical or actively scary..

I'm asking partly because I'm a bit traumatised by having around with being a "sub" with my very violent ex. One thing I've learned the hard way is that BDSM and is unlikely to be "play" if the other person actually bullies/beats you in non-sexual contexts. So would be interesting to hear from anyone who's been there ...anyway here is some context:


Before my life sort of went to shit for various reasons, I was a university lecturer/scholar in literature and cultural studies.

In 2009, shortly before a total nervous breakdown, I published one little paper about men who love Real Dolls, which led to me being briefly being positioned as a sort of "leading expert" on the phenomenon of men falling in love with latex lumps.

In a small way, this was a brush with fame ... and ordinarily I would've been delighted. But at the time I was too addled by divorce/anxiety/boozing to even answer my phone or check my emails ...so I missed out on hot-shit experiences like going on breakfast television etc ....

Two years later, I was flat-arse broke, but still getting occasional phone calls from journalists and radio shows about doll fuckers. Clearly there was a demand for pseudo academic opinions about such loud and proud Internet "perverts", so I spent some months trying to write a book on this subject.

As soon as I was doing quite well with this, I got involved with my (now ex-) partner. Now that it's over, I'm depressingly persuaded of every cliche going about "malignant narcissists"...but of course (in accordance with said cliches) initially I was utterly charmed.

Which brings me to my "personal" interest in BDSM bloops/horror stories. He persuaded me to explore BDSM first hand - while making it bloody hard, incidentally, to continue with my "pervert book" project...there wasn't time for anything except the spurious "intensity" of The Relationship ...congratulating ourselves on how special we were ... how much we LOVED each other...how much we DESPISED each other ... LAST WORDS, AVOWALS, WEEPING, TALKING BEATING, COPS and LOVE again ... all of it very much in capital letters, which left no time for writing or even sleeping.

I'll reserve the details of how it all BDSM went very wrong for me for whomever might want to reply to this post, but my general gist is this:

A "Dom" who is also a genuine sadist is incapable of erotic, "playful" deployment of sadomasochostic/ BDSM dynamics. I believe my ex cultivated my harmless little masochistic kinks in order to indulge his own far-from-harmless sadism.

Anyone have a similar experience? I'd be interested in a (very discreet and private and respectful) conversation.
 
I usually do BDSM type stuff without really planning it, but one time i wanted to try being a sub so bad for once and the girl let me, but within 5 minutes she was sucking my dick while getting fucked by her boy friend.

Fail.
 
I usually do BDSM type stuff without really planning it, but one time i wanted to try being a sub so bad for once and the girl let me, but within 5 minutes she was sucking my dick while getting fucked by her boy friend.

Fail.

Fail? You got your dick sucked man...
 
I usually do BDSM type stuff without really planning it, but one time i wanted to try being a sub so bad for once and the girl let me, but within 5 minutes she was sucking my dick while getting fucked by her boy friend.

Fail.
Yeah, fail .. but btw I think perhaps all such things should be spontaneous, not staged "scenes" ...no matter what people say on Fetlife
 
I think in my case the BDSM "discourse" was used to set me up to feel stoopid...
 
For eg last time I saw him was a shit show extraordinaire. He had got me over there at 4am in the morning the day before on a sexual pretext, and we'd been awake for nearly two nights. And on and off he'd been hinting I didn't understand authentic female submission ... how maybe I wasn't getting it quite right, this business of exploring my masochism, because I wasn't taking any risks.

The upshot seemed to be: unless I literally and figuratively exposed myself and ask to be used in such a way that rejection would really hurt ... be really humiliating, well, I'll never get to know ...

BUT there was a big cheery "don't worry!" implication. He couldn't promise anything because that would be ruinously "vanilla", but given his authentic (supposedly barely controllable sadistic energies) plus his insatiably high libido and blah blah blah ...the upshot was that I just needed to unequivocally offer myself, ask to be "used", then shut up entirely, and get treated to some sort of world-beating consensual rape experience.

So at 4 am we went upstairs, and while I was rather tired and felt a bit shy, after all this build up it seemed obligatory and expected ... so I took the big famous fucking risk and asked to be, uh, "used" plus did a couple of other things he had recommended, which are too dismal to write down right now.

Basically he just flat out rejected me (not part of the game) .... acted like he hadn't even heard me or noticed. Suddenly it was urgent to tidy his room because the of a rent inspection that was happening in only 4 weeks or some such shit (this is a guy who pisses in empty bottles and leaves them around his room for weeks btw)

So it was all very much Crashing Silence and Seas of Folly with one-way ticket to Cringeville etc....it got worse ..
 
**possible trigger warning**

Yeahhhhh. I think we all know the dangers of this type of stuff and of hooking up with strangers off the internet but I might disclose my bad experience if anything to reinforce to others that it can happen to anybody and please be careful.

Matched a guy off OKC and we talked on and off for ages before meeting, he was 4 years younger than me and didn’t seem my type exactly (too much of a young successful pretty boy whereas I like them older, rough around the edges with beard and tats and dadbods), so the talking phase went on for a while before I finally disclosed one of my dealbreakers is liking rough sex. He was immediately interested. I told him I’d had bad experiences having sex on the first date so I wanted to meet him first then if that went well maybe have sex next time. I must be an idiot because when he said he would still try to have sex with me I thought he was being cute and teasing. Turns out he was dead bloody serious and I should have listened. Made every excuse to somehow get himself invited back to my place under false pretences but once there made his intentions known. I even used my safe word but he’d do the same thing moments later. I don’t know if this is getting too graphic or triggering but long story short he physically hurt me in a bad-pain way until I eventually just agreed to have sex with him to get him to stop. He thought that being a “bratty sub” meant no = yes just with more persuasion with physical pain.

Another dude was 24/7 Dom but didn’t tell me that before getting involved. He was exactly my type except for that which I only learnt after I’d been hurt emotionally (less of a daddy dom that’s emotionally warm and more of a mean guy).

So ah yeah.... please be careful, lots of people don’t take BDSM seriously and practice it properly, don’t assume just because they’re into it that they actually understand key concepts 😞
 
sounds like BDSM is like Jumanji. better off not to play.

This is very well said.. I rarely read a story where someone seems to do it “right.” If it’s something that’s damn near impossible to do right why do it at all?

I think it works just fine if you keep it in the bedroom but soon as it becomes a lifestyle then it’s a problem. It’s allowing a power dynamic which is hot in bed spill out into all parts of the relationship, and very few people truly want either role.

Also IMO it’s a way for the patriarchy to remain supreme..

-GC
 
Oooo “is BDSM anti-feminist” is a hot topic that I bet would not be a great one to start. Personally don’t think so myself.

As for why people do it when it could cause harm.... why are we on this site? Why do we do drugs when we know it could cause harm? Vanilla sex is incredibly boring for some people (unless it’s a quickie). I preferred masturbating over having sex for years before I explored BDSM and now it’s the other way around which I might add doesn’t hurt my relationships.... You’ve just got to be safe. Communities like Fetlife encourage that sense of exploration with safety in mind. Plenty of websites about it also talk in depth about how to be safe. I’m just an idiot/it’s hard to find experienced Doms with that mindset of safety who also want a relationship and also have things in common with you outside the bedroom.

Each to their own, really. Whether you’re into it or not the message is to be safe.
 
nah yo, as long as you know what you're doing -- you're fine. Don't make a bridge between BDSM and snuff. Also snuff doesn't exist, as a side-fact.
 
nah yo, as long as you know what you're doing -- you're fine. Don't make a bridge between BDSM and snuff. Also snuff doesn't exist, as a side-fact.
What about when Reddit still had "watch people die"?
More to the point what about the fucking "news"on an average day?
 
What about when Reddit still had "watch people die"?
More to the point what about the fucking "news"on an average day?

*on the fuckin average day

fuck, talk the fuck and walk the fuck

u cray cray lil man
 
**possible trigger warning**

Yeahhhhh. I think we all know the dangers of this type of stuff and of hooking up with strangers off the internet but I might disclose my bad experience if anything to reinforce to others that it can happen to anybody and please be careful.

Matched a guy off OKC and we talked on and off for ages before meeting, he was 4 years younger than me and didn’t seem my type exactly (too much of a young successful pretty boy whereas I like them older, rough around the edges with beard and tats and dadbods), so the talking phase went on for a while before I finally disclosed one of my dealbreakers is liking rough sex. He was immediately interested. I told him I’d had bad experiences having sex on the first date so I wanted to meet him first then if that went well maybe have sex next time. I must be an idiot because when he said he would still try to have sex with me I thought he was being cute and teasing. Turns out he was dead bloody serious and I should have listened. Made every excuse to somehow get himself invited back to my place under false pretences but once there made his intentions known. I even used my safe word but he’d do the same thing moments later. I don’t know if this is getting too graphic or triggering but long story short he physically hurt me in a bad-pain way until I eventually just agreed to have sex with him to get him to stop. He thought that being a “bratty sub” meant no = yes just with more persuasion with physical pain.

Another dude was 24/7 Dom but didn’t tell me that before getting involved. He was exactly my type except for that which I only learnt after I’d been hurt emotionally (less of a daddy dom that’s emotionally warm and more of a mean guy).

So ah yeah.... please be careful, lots of people don’t take BDSM seriously and practice it properly, don’t assume just because they’re into it that they actually understand key concepts 😞
That sounds shocking ...the whole BDSM thing is ( I increasingly believe) a confusing sex discourse that just puts women in an impossible position. You put it out on the table that you are sort of into "rough" - this is part of the "etiquette" - and you're supposed to say this to pave the way to fun sex with a man who likes to "play" too but (in the rather unrealistic and pious BDSM context) this man is meant to respect your "boundaries", "safe words" etc ... Actually what happens is you put your rough sex thing on the table ... And then you get raped. And you're meant to be grateful. Or at least not allowed to complain. No cop would take it seriously, anyway...

I'm never going anywhere near formalized BDSM again. Women is almost inevitably losers in the lame wanky BDSM thing. Tis just another excuse for men to be pigs, with built in clause that women are going to kiss ass not despite, but BECAUSE we're getting bad ugly sex.
 
That sounds shocking ...the whole BDSM thing is ( I increasingly believe) a confusing sex discourse that just puts women in an impossible position. You put it out on the table that you are sort of into "rough" - this is part of the "etiquette" - and you're supposed to say this to pave the way to fun sex with a man who likes to "play" too but (in the rather unrealistic and pious BDSM context) this man is meant to respect your "boundaries", "safe words" etc ... Actually what happens is you put your rough sex thing on the table ... And then you get raped. And you're meant to be grateful. Or at least not allowed to complain. No cop would take it seriously, anyway...

I'm never going anywhere near formalized BDSM again. Women is almost inevitably losers in the lame wanky BDSM thing. Tis just another excuse for men to be pigs, with built in clause that women are going to kiss ass not despite, but BECAUSE we're getting bad ugly sex.

Yeah, in the end I regret disclosing my interest in “rough sex” but I figure if they’re not into it I’m wasting my and their time anyway soooo... can’t win. In fact mentioning sex at all seems to just land me in hot water. I think good sex is important to a relationship and I don’t want to seem like a prude or lose their interest by not talking about sex but in the end that might be why guys feel so confident when they meet me to touch inappropriately right away? Stealing a kiss, groping a thigh, they all seem like small things but it can be majorly uncomfortable when you have only just met someone. I dunno, probably my fault, maybe I should wear a muumuu and refuse to go within a foot of them... but then I also wouldn’t get a second date! Gah, fine line.


Oh and forget questioning a guy on his experience with BDSM and understanding of key concepts! They get so defensive! I guess that’s a red flag I should listen to as well.

That guy was 25. I honestly believe he was mixed up and perhaps not doing it out of malice (not consciously anyway). I know it was consent under duress but was very hard to convince him when a girl says no she means no. I worry sometimes about the other women he’s been with or going to be with...

In the end, especially given your story, I can understand why you would make that choice for yourself and support that. The main thing is everyone is safe and happy. You look after you. We live and learn right? Anyway thanks for reading my TLDR haha
 
Yeah, in the end I regret disclosing my interest in “rough sex” but I figure if they’re not into it I’m wasting my and their time anyway soooo... can’t win. In fact mentioning sex at all seems to just land me in hot water. I think good sex is important to a relationship and I don’t want to seem like a prude or lose their interest by not talking about sex but in the end that might be why guys feel so confident when they meet me to touch inappropriately right away? Stealing a kiss, groping a thigh, they all seem like small things but it can be majorly uncomfortable when you have only just met someone. I dunno, probably my fault, maybe I should wear a muumuu and refuse to go within a foot of them... but then I also wouldn’t get a second date! Gah, fine line.


Oh and forget questioning a guy on his experience with BDSM and understanding of key concepts! They get so defensive! I guess that’s a red flag I should listen to as well.

That guy was 25. I honestly believe he was mixed up and perhaps not doing it out of malice (not consciously anyway). I know it was consent under duress but was very hard to convince him when a girl says no she means no. I worry sometimes about the other women he’s been with or going to be with...

In the end, especially given your story, I can understand why you would make that choice for yourself and support that. The main thing is everyone is safe and happy. You look after you. We live and learn right? Anyway thanks for reading my TLDR haha
Sorry you had a horrid experience. "Consent under duress". Sounds like "not rape but feels like it"?

Not good enough!!!

BDSM or not, men are waaaaaaay too entitled about what they're meant to "get" on a first date ....

I am in my 40s now, but seriously when I was in my 20s I fucked so many bores I did not really want to fuck ...sometimes just to make them go away! Or because it seemed "uptight"or rude to not put out ...
 
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