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Blog Almost accidental OD

Mafioso

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Damn, walking in unannounced? yeah i'd have a major problem with that- or maybe not because I keep my doors lock and don't answer unless I'm expecting someone... old habits I guess lol... you def need to put up some boundaries betweeen you and him at least. Maybe that will save her from having to be the bad guy. If it's your house, I'd tell him he had at least better call first if he expects the door to be unlocked. But hey, maybe I'm cold hearted. I won't even answer for my own dad unannounced when I had my own place, at least I didn't in the past. I'd probably talk to him through the screen door now just to make sure he's not dying or anything..

I was a lot like your gf for a while, and still can be at periods of my life. I try my best not to let it get that bad though and always maintain hope. Lately I've been really pushing myself physically and finding it helps a lot with just keeping my emotions balanced. But even on days that I don't and can hardly get myself out of bed for food or water, I try to still hold onto hope that there will be better days ahead, and to not fall into negative self-talk but still allow myself to hurt or feel whatever. I do still get moments or days where I go back to thinking i'm hopeless, which usually ends with the way this thread starts.

Honestly, I feel kind of jealous about your gf getting offered some of the best treatment for free. I was in tears wishing I could get a decent therapist the other day. Then again, I've never been through that side of the "system", so maybe she's jaded for a valid reason. That's too bad she feels so hopeless... I remember feeling similar, when I wasn't planning on living past 30 or so. I wanted to die young to be honest, and didn't care if my lifestyle killed me because I was so depressed, unhappy, and hopeless that it or anything would ever change. I still remember hearing the words of my counselor saying "it doesn't have to be that way though" when I was talking about how I'll always be depressed. I still get depressed and what not, but I try to keep that in mind, that emotions are temporary, and that there are things I can do to help change the way I feel and think. I don't have to be a prisoner of my own mind and body. I try to reframe parts of myself that I used to look at as weakness as challenges I need to overcome, or work on. Even though the problem hasn't changed, my mindset about it completely does, going from hopeless to hopeful.

And yeah, as far as my dad, my current focus is on re-establishing boundaries between us- which since he doesn't really respect anything but being next to cut off, that's how it stands. Not talking though isn't really a big change for me in our relationship. He's a complete narcissist, and all our conversations have been basically me listening to his lectures about whatever tf he wants to rant about. Then when given a chance to speak, I'm usually so put off by being interrupted and ignored that I couldn't care to open up or start a discussion. Currently I'm not sure what i'd want our relationship to look like, or if I even care for one with him. Visits tend to only lead to problems, either arguments between the two of us, and/or me feeling shitty and depressed about the situation. Currently living as if he didn't exist until I can process all this a little more, and I'm not resentful or bitter... but the problem is, one bad visit can bring it all back. I'd like to work with a family therapist with him, but he's completely closed off to the idea completely, so decided to just focus on self-care for now. My taper is no longer a taper, I've just found a dose I'm stable at and staying there until I can finish some jobs I've started. I'm going to try to taper down a little more before then, but it becomes too problematic... more so than dealing with the side effects of using currently. I'm going to have to just take advantage of my off days to suffer it out and lower my dose maybe. idk.this taper def didn't go as planned as i would be off by now or close to it. frustrating to think about....
 

Mafioso

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Feeling a lot more centered and grounded this week. Not so stressed out about money, am staying consistent with my exercise routine and diet(mostly, still get stoned and binge at nights). Restarted my taper, which is painful- but this time it's mostly just emotionally painful rather than physical, although I also have gotten to that part of the WD's, so I shouldn't speak too early. It's just being able to feel again- even though I'm still numbed up emotionally, the feelings are coming back.

Worried about not being able to work when WD's get intense. Physically, but more so mentally. Might end up going on benzos legit for while because when I can keep my dose low and stable things really improve, only when I start to abuse them that they are problematic. Then again, I don't want to be on pills long term, so maybe I'll just figure it out and hopefully get some therapy for ptsd at least.

currently at 3mg a day, which is far too much for my comfort. I don't like the way it affects my memory or critical thinking, also, I don't notice it, but friends have pointed out my flat affect(no emotion), which I'm sure isn't exactly exciting to be around.

I think exercise is really helping a lot, as well as practicing CBT on my own and stretching and breathing exercises as well. Haven't really been very social beyond work, or had the desire to pick up anything other than the weed pipe(or vape cart) in my free time. I justify it that my job is physically and mentally demanding, so honestly I do need time to relax. Just not sure that it needs to be by means of psychoactive substance, and that it could even be just practicing, playing, and writing music for fun(like it once was before we decided to try to make it our full time job/income). I have a very competitive side to me that can really motivate me, but I need to work on controlling it, as it causes me undue stress, like making music a competition rather than for pleasure.

At somewhere around 3-4mg/day. Went back up to around 10mg/day for a while- not sure how long as memory becomes near nonexistent and the only evidence I have is the missing pills. Wasn't too long tho, only few days at most. I'm still getting pretty wrecked by 3-4mg, so I think I can drop down to 2 mg without too much risk or discomfort, although it wont be fun and probably have a lot of cravings. Then from there continue with a slower taper just to avoid risk and shock to my system.

Also, I appreciate the support from everyone in this thread if I haven't said that already.
 

Mafioso

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so went up to 4-6mg/day of alprazolam. Keep trying to lower but having a lot of trouble sleeping and rebound anxiety. Mixing with wine gave me stomach issues all next day, and made me feel like I was in withdrawal, probably just the hangover on top of whatever WD's if I was experiencing. 6mg is def more than enough to keep me stable, but I've been getting sedated. Going to drop to 3-4mg/day and see if that is enough to just keep me stable, and can restart my taper from there.

On the bright side, I'm in better physical shape everyday. Staying consistent with my routine, with the exception of sleep time which is always a struggle. Was hoping to be asleep 3 hours ago, but just got back from doing interval sprints to take my mind of something infuriating me at the time. I was at 3mg and 6 just made me feel more numb. Something I'm noticing, is it takes the pain away, but keeps me from moving forward as I can't create new memories so I wind up in thought circles a lot, being aggravated at things I thought I had moved passed. Guess it's all part of life and the process of moving forward. Looking forward to the day I can get my dose down low enough to where I can take a week off and take the final step off again. I'd say I don't know why I keep doing this, but I think I know why pretty well.

Probably a lot of repetition, as my memory is fucked atm.
 
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