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Blog Almost accidental OD

Mafioso

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So things went bad. I was doing alright until I decided I'd get a gram of tar for old times sake, loved it and to no surprise, got another the next day. Was smoking said h(first time in 2 years) along with a bunch of xans, midst euphoria when I wake up choking and coughing out water, as I had the bright idea of smoking tar while in the bath.

Tbh, if it wasn't for the knowledge that my family would have to deal with the fallout I wish I wouldn't have woke up.

I feel like it should have given me a new perspective and hope on life. Instead it's done the opposite. In the back of my mind I'm planning ways out that wouldn't hurt my family, whicih I know dont exist but I just seem to keep catching myself in these fantasies. I know it's just a phase, and it will pass as it's something I've dealt with since childhood, probably some conditiion that could be diagnosed but that's beside the point.

This happened a few days ago, I'm not using anymore, it was just the 2 grams. It's not an emergency. I guess i just wanted toget this out.
 

Mafioso

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Decided to undelete this and use it as a blog to continue to track my progress.


DIdn't really go through withdrawals, but got myself stuck on xans again, so been doing a rapid taper as I wasn't on them for long. However, it's proving more difficult than expected, as always. I was doing good, as far as taper is concerned, for the last 2 weeks, but had been barely getting out of bed. Only days I would really be motivated were days I'd slip up on my taper a little and then end up working and running for 3-4 hrs and going on long walks, which definitely helped with my mood and self esteem as I'm starting to see improvements in my body, but not really doing much to solve the issue of being a bit isolated currently. I'm just trying to stay focused on the goal of getting clean again and getting myself in better shape, for now, as well as staying true to my taper.

Down to 1-2mg/day from 4-8mg/day. I can do .5 but things get pretty intense and just getting out of bed and leaving my room seems like a major mission. 1mg I am stable, but doing normal things is still difficult, and working out or exercise is difficult as I feel weak and have mild stomach problems. Less than that, and I have stomach problems and feel like I'm exerting myself just getting up to get food. I'm hoping to be at less .5-1mg by the end of this week, that's the goal. .5mg on days I can don't work, 1mg or less on days I have to work. If I have enough cannabis, I feel I can go faster, but I currently can't afford to smoke enough to mitigate the benzo WDs, but I do have a lot of xans left, so decided to go moderately slow and put less shock to my body.

Started making daily lists and goals so when I have down time I don't make excuses to lay around and waste time, but still trying to make sure I leave myself enough leisure time for my sanity's sake.

Still getting mild cravings for opiates, but nothing unmanageable. Kinda wish they weren't there, as I'm a little worried I might get more if I'm having a breakdown. But now that some time has passed, a lot of the drugs have left my system, and I'm able to have a bit more clear of a picture- I am exxtremly grateful that I didn't die there in the tub, in my mothers house, laying there naked for my mother to find me blue in the morning. The pain I could have caused my family brings tears to my eyes. I guess it's a bit problematic that I still don't really care all that much that I almost died, just that I almost hurt my family in a way that cannot be repaired.

The things that have really helped me is being around friends that I can be honest, and who are honest with me yet not judgemental, as in my friends that weren't shy to point out how reckless I was, yet still didn't put me down- usually because they have been there before. Haven't told my family and don't intend to, not for a while at least. They worry and helicopter around me enough. I love them, but it's unnecessary worry I think. If I wind up getting more, then maybe it'll be time to get help, but for now, I think I can manage this detox off xans at home. Exercising, eating a lot, multivitamin, reading/studying, playing/practicing guitar, meditation, mindfulness, and talking openly with close friends has really helped. I'm probably being a bit overly optimistic at this point, but I have tapered off before with relatively no discomfort. Thinking exercise, diet, and close friends are my key.
 

Asclepius

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The things that have really helped me is being around friends that I can be honest, and who are honest with me yet not judgemental, as in my friends that weren't shy to point out how reckless I was, yet still didn't put me down- usually because they have been there before. Haven't told my family and don't intend to, not for a while at least. They worry and helicopter around me enough.
Glad you have that realization - hang on to it, its gold and it doesnt last unless you keep up the impetus of being strong in yourself, for yourself.

Glad you are doing ok atm and got through. ?<3

You seem to be smart about what needs doing; dont let yourself down, mate.

Others on here may give more illucidation with the tapering.

Look after yourself and dont venture into idiocy, again. sort out emotional stuff from manipulating yourself. take care x
 
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Mafioso

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Thanks Ascep.

Today started out pretty good, did a morning workout, then side job, then got a bunch of house chores done. Was super tired as I've been runnin ggand working out a lot, ttrying to push myself, but was still feeling good and driven. Decided to stop by my dad's house(technically my mother's as well). The conversation started out decent enough, but the longer I was there and the more we talked, the more old shit/fights/disagreements my dad would bring up. I'd go to leave, once the conversations devolved into arguments/flame wars, I would stand up sand "I'd like to talk to you and work through things, but this arguing isn't productive and we clearly aren't getting anyways". Or along those lines. He'd respond with "what are you not man enough to sit here and face your problems and work it out like a man" or "yeah, just like you always do, too pussy and run away from your problems". This set me off, got right in his face and let him know it has nothing to do with fear, in fact it was taking quite a bit of restraint for me not to grab him by then neck and smack him around a bit like he used to do to me. And to behnest, I think I would have had he been younger so it'd be more satisfying rather than pathertic/regretful.

I'm just hurt and amazed. I guess some of it was my fault and I instigated, as he treats one of our retners(who's brother in law has been caught stealing over $2k worth of stuff from me while I was in jai), being treated better than my own father treats me. The way everyone in my family says my dad is getting played, and I could actually use some help yet usually when I ask for something he brings up my past addiction.

So I ended up relapsing kinda hard, took maybe 4-5mg xan, drank 3or 4 beers, smoked maybe a quarter of weed.

The shit my dad said to me, his lack of concern about anything going on in my life, his ability to defend and justify any behavior from his perspective without taking the same considerations of others.... I mean the fucker is retired, and I've had so much going on in my like yet I can barely get a word out, and he hasn't even asked about the failed start up- success or not. I even try to just bring it up and I'm quickly interrupted by all the details of his life..
Narcisssist? I think so. I don' plan on talking to him much more than a handful of sentence.... what do you guys think?
 

KS78

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I have a very similar relationship with my father. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not blaming anybody other than myself for my drug problems, but everytime I have this kind of conversation/ arguement with somebody whom I value, it does a big destruction via me abusing drugs with a vengence. So if you can, try to stay away from this kind of altrecations. I know it's hard when it's family but it's vital. It's definitely better to "pussy out" than to stay and argue/ bullshit for hours and not solve any kind of issue. It doesn't matter what you guys try to explain to each other, none of you is really hearing what the other is saying.

I'm glad that you are doing better.
 

Mafioso

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Yeah I wanted to smack him around the way he used to when I was a kid. In the moment it felt good to get in his face and let him know there isn't a bone in my body that is afraid of him anymore. It hurt to walk away being called a coward, when really I knew what we were doing was just destructive for us both. I've made many resolves to never speak to him again, then wind up forgiving him or thinking myself too harsh, which maybe it is. BUt at least until I have greater emotional control over myself, and am confident that I'll be able to walk away and leave before It ever escalates to that level again... I hope I don't even see his face.

Today I woke up in a bad place. Thinking a lot about ways to escape reality and to get away from everything. Thanks for listening.
 

KS78

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I understand you very well. It gets much harder to deal with a problematic person when they are family. I hope you can calm your feelings Mafioso. Pretty much every time I used when I was angry and wanted to escape reality, it became very unhealthy, harm reduction wise because I, with the push of anger, took risks much bigger than I normally would have.
 

Hylight

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Time will heal and things will always get better again. Keep trying so only good things can happen !
 

Mafioso

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Honestly, I pretty much gave up hope of having a healthy relationship with him after some of the comments he made during our argument. Granted, it was an argument, and I was saying some pretty hurtful shit intentionally as well as unintentionally probably, but we got into an old argument we've had about a conversation we had while I was in jail, just coming out of a psychotic break from having to cold turkey in jail. He said something, I was confused to asked what he meant, he clarifies then later denies saying it altogether. His defense was that I was being selfish, and he didn't know how hard it was for him and how many tears he cried- mind you this is while I was in a padded cell with not even a pot to piss in.

I hope to be able to forgive him, and I really hope he can forgive me as well and maybe we can have some semblance of a peaceful relationship, but I know and have known for quite a while that a healthy relationship with him isn't feasible without him accepting he has a lot of work to do on himself. I can't be the only one apologizing and empathizing. Looking back, I think a lot of what set the stage for an argument is that I was trying to tell him about something important that had happened in my life, only to be interrupted so he could go on about trivial bs he did for fun.

Taper not going so well this week. Some days are ok, but some days I've gone up to 4mg. Was hoping to be down to .25-.5/day or even every other by now. Getting frustrated with myself spending money on this shit that I can barely afford. And so long as I stay on them, I won't get another good job. But I will try again tomorrow I suppose.

Thanks for the support.
 

Xorkoth

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I'm glad you resisted the urge to smack him around, and I'm sorry that you had to deal with that as a kid. ❤ I think ultimately getting violent with him wouldn't really help you. It sounds like you have endured a lot of abuse from your father, so if he's not willing to work on your relationship, it might have to cut him out of your life or at least stop engaging with him. Which sucks, but it sounds like he is a trigger for you.

Sorry you've been going through this, man. You can always PM me if you need to talk. Been pretty busy especially on the weekends, but I always check in and on a lot during the weekdays too.
 

Mafioso

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yeah being that I'm on probation it probably wouldn't have went well for me. I think I beat myself for being a coward for not standing up and fighting back when I was kid/teen(moved out as soon as I turned 18). Of course, so much has changed since then from my size and physique and attitude, as well as him being older and weaker. It wouldn't make up for the past, and only would make me a bully now. I've not nothing to prove, I just wanted to have a relationship with my father that I didn't hate and regret. I hate being jealous of people with healthy relationships. I don't think I hate my dad anymore though, I just pity him and understand him to be mentally not well, as demonstrated by so many things. It just feels like there's always going to be this child in me wishing he had a father, i thought that'd pass in my 20's but seems to still be lingering.

I see the same anger in my cousin who was abused and abandoned by his dad as a kid. He constantly needs to prove himself unafraid and manly, getting in senseless fights with strangers over a look. His temper is definitely far worse than mine, but I see that same kid, afraid and looking for approval in him.

I thought I was doing a lot better on my Xanax issue. Ended up getting more and doing a few day bender of like 4-6mg a day maybe, not sure, easy to lose track when combined with smoking weed all day and just keeping them in my pocket all day. I know they cause depression, but I also love that calm euphoria it brings. I know it's not sustainable long term, and have been researching all the damage of long term chronic use and it's not good. Idk tho, despite everything, I guess where I'm at in my life I'm still psychologically dependent upon them as well. Even when I don't use them, it's comforting knowing they were never more than a call away. Now I lost my contact and it's really bugging me that I don't have another source, like even though I intend on quitting for good, and believe quitting will be painful but ultimately improve my life, I still am constantly catching myself going through potential sources.

I'm trying to be hopeful, as I know this is a stage of recovery, but I also know with my conditions I could probably be prescribed them legally. I don't want to do that though.. I'm pretty sure I want off for good. There's been times when I knew this, but those times don't seem to last. Idk, I'll probably end up going to a doctor once I'm clean if I'm still feeling this way.
 

nuttynutskin

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I've not nothing to prove, I just wanted to have a relationship with my father that I didn't hate and regret. I hate being jealous of people with healthy relationships. I don't think I hate my dad anymore though, I just pity him and understand him to be mentally not well, as demonstrated by so many things. It just feels like there's always going to be this child in me wishing he had a father, i thought that'd pass in my 20's but seems to still be lingering.
Man I know the feeling, I got dad issues as well lol. Not physical abuse but more like wasn't there emotionally or to be a good roll model. He was too obsessed with himself and his own problems to be a good parent if that makes sense. I'm utterly convinced he suffers from NPD and Munchausen syndrome. But yeah, I'm 37 and still part of me feels missing, looking for that male roll model or whatever. Really the only thing you can do is work on accepting that there will never be a good relationship there. Sucks, but what else can you do? You can only try so much but if the other person won't change you gotta cut your losses imo, whether that means no contact or not. I know how easy it is to get sucked in to the drama. In your case I'd suggest going no contact if you can barely restrain yourself from committing assault. Not worth it.
 

Mafioso

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yeah currently my goals are to accept he will never be the father of my expectations, detox of xans, and build daily habits to ensure I do not become like him. I've been trying to do even little things differently/better if it even resembles the way my dad would act. I know part of my personality will probably inevitably be similar to his, but that doesn't mean my thoughts and behavior have to resemble his.

When i'm not so angry and hurt, I see a troubled man who is deep in his sickness. A man plagued by loneliness but afraid of intimacy. A man who has lost a lot and is afraid to lose anymore so he holds onto the past like an anchor. A man who has been hurt, and is afraid of being hurt again, so he holds on to that hurt thinking it will protect him, thinking it will help others understand how he got to where is he. I see a lot of myself, and that scares me. I was so determined to be different, and I've made so many of the same mistakes. It's why I keep thinking I'll be able to find common ground with my dad, but we always seem to get lost in unresolved issues. He's unwilling to see a counselor or therapist together or as a family, and has canceled past appointments. He thinks we will just gang up on him or that it's all bs and he knows better. So it's not rational of me to think that he relationship will improve on my will alone. And honestly, I usually only go see him when I'm so high and euphoric that none of the bs bothers me and the smallest things make me feel extremely grateful- in other words, completely irrational. Just another reason to stay away from drugs.

Woke up in mild benzo withdrawal, took a taper dose and smoked a joint, feeling ok now. Just feeling lonely and reminiscing on the past way too much, in an irrational way where I catch myself wishing any old friend would call me, even old friend that I stopped talking to or an ex gf. Thankfully I have the wherewithal not to make that mistake, but I should probably start being more social or something. Things will be better when I'm not WDing and working again.
 

Xorkoth

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Not to co-opt your thread but your and nutty's descriptions of your dads are so exactly like my girl's dad. For her it manifested as childhood PTSD and she feels utterly defeated in life and has had chronic anxiety her whole life. Her dad means well but is totally a narcissist and is unable to not make everything about himself. It makes me equally sad and angry.

Anyway, how are you doing today, Mafioso?
 

Mafioso

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Not at all, thanks for sharing. It actually scares me because PTSD and chronic anxiety have been the current bane of my existence and without benzos I tend to withdrawal socially and avoid all unnecessary interactions. Not healthy, but it's what's comfortable. It's not all PTSD from childhood for me anymore, as I have intentionally and unintentionally put myself in a lot of wild situations and interactions with people, to the point I feel I can no longer look at life or people in a "normal" way. For me, it seems like a lot of suppressed aggression and fear, as I see danger where most don't, as I lived a lifestyle many don't. I noticed intense exercise really helps me feel more level.

yesterday things were getting pretty intense, and I was having a lot of dark thoughts, along with a whole list of other WD symptoms, the worst being no appetite/stomach problems, restlessness, and difficultly managing and controlling anxiety. I've decided to slow down my taper, as I was planning to have extras, which seem like a bad idea now. So took enough to make me comfortable and completely out of withdrawal tonight.. so kinda took a few steps backwards, but with everything going on I've been getting a little paranoid and have been falling behind on my work.

Having a bit of hindsight with my last interaction with my dad, we were both drinking and escalating- but one thing that really strikes me is how many old arguments he had brought up, arguments that we have gone over dozens of times. These are the arguments usually about how he was offended or something he was upset about, often how things didn't go how he wanted- in fact almost entirely. Yet he denies any sort of wrong doing, even as far as calling me a liar about childhood physical abuse by him, which often I was the only witness but def not entirely. Even simple disputes can't be settled because of his inability to admit any wrong, or even admit to things that multiple people witnessed him do/say. Any slip of admission is immediately followed by denial or accusations, so it makes having any real progress impossible.

More worrisome, I am more than suspicious he is intentionally lying to try and drive a wedge between me and my mother, who has left him recently. He's not above talking bad about me to my family and friends- I say my family because he doesn't talk to any of his, so my only family is my mothers' side, who he doesn't talk to either with rare exception. I know this because they tell me these things. In light of it all, it seems foolish to forgive, but I no longer want to forgive him so that we can reconcile. I want to forgive him so I can let go of my anger, and accept him for the flawed and sick, deteriorating person he is. I want to forgive him so I can stop hating anything in myself that resembles him, for the mere fact that it means we are similar. I hope to reach a point where I have the mental and emotional wherewithal to be around him, and not fall prey to his toxic games, or if that never becomes viable, then accepting that it's best for us to not talk... Something I'll probably never truly be comfortable with, but at least I'll have confidence in my decision being the healthy one. Truth be told, I struggle to think of many times I actually enjoyed being around him, and I never considered him a friend or someone I could confide in or trust, so I'm not really at much of a loss I guess.

I should probably ask for help, but I feel I owe so much already, and I've never been one to ask for help- usually go until I drop(literally a few times). I'm trying to rehab myself for physical injury, taper/detox, and finish a few side jobs, and then get back into a pretty stressful line of work so I can pay back these fucking bills and not be broke for once again. I'm on edge, and generally handle conflict well, but I damn near threw fist with someone over them being stopped in the street. Some days I even think it'd be easier if I was just locked up again- something only a handful will understand.

I ask for help though, and all I hear is god, jesus, and 12 steps. Short of begging for treatment of anything other than my drug addiction, and it seems like my words fall on deaf ears if I'm not asking for help in those 3 forms. Like my only problem is my self-inflicted drug addiction and atheism, in their eyes... It's at the point where I've decided it's less frustrating to just swallow it for now, focus on improving myself, and trying to dream of a way I can enjoy life again.

I've shed a lot of tears this week, and this month, and have been fighting some of the darker thoughts of easy ways out. I am grateful for the ones that love me despite the mess, and what keeps me is knowing it would hurt more than lift the burden I at times see myself as. Really trying to focus this frustration to motivate me to change my situation and improve.

I remember a quote from Gabor Mate, something to the effect of "be with your pain". And despite a lot of these emotions being painful, uncomfortable, and maddening at times, at least they are real and grounded.
 

nuttynutskin

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Not at all, thanks for sharing. It actually scares me because PTSD and chronic anxiety have been the current bane of my existence and without benzos I tend to withdrawal socially and avoid all unnecessary interactions. Not healthy, but it's what's comfortable. It's not all PTSD from childhood for me anymore, as I have intentionally and unintentionally put myself in a lot of wild situations and interactions with people, to the point I feel I can no longer look at life or people in a "normal" way. For me, it seems like a lot of suppressed aggression and fear, as I see danger where most don't, as I lived a lifestyle many don't. I noticed intense exercise really helps me feel more level.
I can definitely relate after being taken off my clonazepam and sort of being forced to stop drinking all within the same period.

I'm on edge, and generally handle conflict well, but I damn near threw fist with someone over them being stopped in the street.
What like they were blocking the street or something? Just curious.
 

Mafioso

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Yeah they pulled out then stopped in front of me, 2 cars in a sorta rough part of town. Idk I'm thinking that they were just lost and trying to find their friends/family house, but at the time I was expecting something much different so I jumped out. Idk what I was thinking, it was middle of the day and I drive a beater.

Had a good day today, partly because I'm not lowering my dose currently and partly because I got a lot done, including some good work outs.

Unfortunately this slip up of my taper is going to probably cost me, as I'll probably have to get more to be safe. Although if I can find a way to manage the nausea I might be able to make it. I had a script of nausea med(can't think of the name atm) that's not OTC, but works wonders. Was able to save some from a visit that I've used in the past to help get past that part of the WD, which gets pretty bad for me(uncontrollable non=stop wretching for hours at a time worst case).

Thinking of trying some OTC nausea meds, open to suggestions. I've read thc and cbd both increase the effectiveness of the nausea med im on something like 100-1000x, to where uneffective doses of each in turn become highly effective. I should probably look more into that, but cannabis def has helped and I plan to use that as well, just limited on how much and when I can use when working.
 

Xorkoth

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Having a bit of hindsight with my last interaction with my dad, we were both drinking and escalating- but one thing that really strikes me is how many old arguments he had brought up, arguments that we have gone over dozens of times. These are the arguments usually about how he was offended or something he was upset about, often how things didn't go how he wanted- in fact almost entirely. Yet he denies any sort of wrong doing, even as far as calling me a liar about childhood physical abuse by him, which often I was the only witness but def not entirely. Even simple disputes can't be settled because of his inability to admit any wrong, or even admit to things that multiple people witnessed him do/say. Any slip of admission is immediately followed by denial or accusations, so it makes having any real progress impossible.
This is the same exact thing my girlfriend's dad does. Outright denial, to himself and others. He has reinvented the past. It makes her really angry which makes her really depressed/withdrawn from people (not me).

I no longer want to forgive him so that we can reconcile. I want to forgive him so I can let go of my anger
This is the most important part of forgiveness and I think a lot of people don't know that. It's not for them, it's for you. It's great you've realized that... my girl says she can't forgive him. But the sad fact is, he's never going to get better or admit his mistakes, so only you can pull yourself out of it.
 

Mafioso

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This is the same exact thing my girlfriend's dad does. Outright denial, to himself and others. He has reinvented the past. It makes her really angry which makes her really depressed/withdrawn from people (not me).
It's fucked. I feel like it forces me to relieve the trauma, as I'll momentarily doubt even myself so I'll be not only recounting that event in the moment of question, but long after as well as living in the time around that trauma- and by that I mean I relapse to that old mentality or way of thinking. All the old anger and resentment, things I thought I had let go of even, come back up.
This is the most important part of forgiveness and I think a lot of people don't know that. It's not for them, it's for you. It's great you've realized that... my girl says she can't forgive him. But the sad fact is, he's never going to get better or admit his mistakes, so only you can pull yourself out of it.
Sadly, I kind of think there may be some truth to what your gf says about never being able to forgive. I know I'll likely never be able to fully forgive, and that so long as he and I interact in that way- which is so difficult for both of us to change, I believe, it will always bring me back. Hopefully I'll be stronger, but I have realized it foolish to think that I can't be hurt again. Forgive me for sounding morbid, but I believe it will be easier to forgive when he isn't around, as when I don't see him I am able to let go. I'm not sure if there are some things that I will ever be able to forgive, certainly not forget- but at least all the petty shit I don't have to hold onto. Other than that, it's going to be a pretty closed off relationship so not much progress can be made even if it could. But yes, through understanding, it is much easier to forgive. I will keep working on it, starting with understanding.
 

Xorkoth

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Yeah my girl's siblings both moved far away and have no relationship with him anymore. She grew up an hour away from where we live and he still lives there. Also he and his wife just broke up like a few months ago so now he is way more needy. He'll actually just come over unannounced and walk in without knocking. Then he wants to unload all this stuff about his wife is abusive to him and how he would NEVER do anything like that to people he loves. She'll be mega depressed and angry for like a week every time. She got pretty mad at him last time and told him he's not allowed to come over unannounced anymore... she has told him before but I guess something was different this time because he hasn't for a while. she has asked me a few times if we can move to Europe and I said I can't because I have a house, a career, friends, a life here. I know half of it is she wants to get away from him. But in the meantime it makes her so withdrawn that she basically has no life here except some household hobbies and a random job she really doesn't like. Makes me sad. :( I try to tell her she needs to find a way to let it go herself because he's never going to change. She's had bad experiences with therapists so she doesn't want to seek therapy either so it makes me afraid she'll keep sinking deeper. A friend's family friend is an award winning trauma therapist who offered to come out of retirement to help her for free, and she still won't do it. She says it's too late for her. It's very frustrating but I also understand that every time she's gone to therapy, it just brings everything up and makes her feel worse.

It makes me so grateful I grew up in a well-adjusted, healthy family. I know it's made my life a lot easier.

But yeah I think forgiveness doesn't mean pretending it's all okay, it just means you accept the person who's hurt you for who they are, accepted that they won't change, and decided to leave it behind (as much as possible). It might help you if you move away at some point, try to establish yourself somewhere away from your family. I know that helped me a lot to grow into myself better, even though I have no real problems with my family. It's like, when you are around all the people you grew up with, you at least subconsciously remain in the roles you played in your relationships your whole life. And when you move away you no longer feel restricted like that.
 
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