Addicted to self destruction

[Digital Angel]

Ever hurt yourself on purpouse?
when i was 13-14, i was depressed, and started cutting myself, ever since then, everytime i get upset, i do something to hurt myself, wether it is drinking too much, doing whatever drug is handy or physically causing myself harm....i've started to get scared lately...i do it without thinking about it...i do it even though i don't want to. I've even had thoughts of trying to swallow some kind of toxic substance (bleach,ammonia) when i freak out (which is often). I am only 18, and i know my life isn't that bad, but sometimes i feel like i want to die....i get obsessed with using some kind of substance...any substance, to alter the way i feel...i've even taken percription medicine..just too much of it...thinking in some warped way it will make me better....my parents know about the cutting ( i still live at home)....and they tell me to just stop it...that it is childish. I assume they know i drink too much, i don't see how they couldn't....but they don't care...
..i don't really have any friends....i know alot of people...but i don't think they are my friends....and i am scared to go to people for help, because they are going to call me a freak, or treat me like i am crazy...but i'm not!..i just get depressed alot...i work a normal job, go out, and have good times, but i just get sad alot...
....anyone had a problem like this?....any advice would be appriciated...i just feel like i am all alone..

 

[DaeGlow]

Truthfully? No knock intended... you sound like you need some psychological help. Not because you're crazy... but because you may be "clinically depressed." I don't really advocate going to shrinks for a long period of time... however it DOES teach you to express yourself... and that's a REALLY good thing. You sound like you just need someone you can consider to be your friend... if you need someone to talk to i'm always here for anyone... just e-mail me.

[email protected]
much luv to a person I don't know... you are human so you DO matter.

 

[sexystar]

Hun, you need to go get some help so quick it's not even funny. If your with your parents, tell them you need help, because most likely they are insured and they can hook you up with a thearpist, and start putting you on some medication. I don't know if the idea of having to take medication to make you feel better scares you, but it really does help. You don't stay on the medication forever...you take it, and see your thearpist often, and your gradually get better. It's not a snappy answer, but it will help you in the long run. I have some web sites you might want to take a look at...if interested e-mail me....good luck to you =)

 

[Flower]

First - you are not alone on this one, ok? You may feel that you are crazy or something, but the fact is that you are a very normal and sane person - you are just in a lot of emotional pain. For whatever reason, you are lacking in the ability to deal with intense feelings and emotions in healthy ways, so you turn to self-injury. It's more common than a lot of people think. I started cutting myself when I was 12 years old, and because I was ashamed of what I was doing, I didn't ask for help until I was nearly 18.
Self-injury can be defined as the attempt to deliberately cause harm to one's own body and the injury is usually severe enough to cause tissue damage. This is not a conscious attempt at suicide, though some people may see it that way. The most common form is superficial self-mutilation which usually involves cutting, burning, hair-pulling, bone breaking, hitting, interference with wound healing and basically any method used to harm oneself.
So where does this come from? Well there can be a number of things that can lead a person to not be able to cope. Perhaps you were never taught healthy ways of expressing emotion, or come from a broken home, alcoholic home, or have emotionally absent parents. Most people who hurt themselves in this way are perfectionists, and often find themselves not being able to live up to extremely high standards. This is also a product of environment and upbringing.
So what do you do about it? Well, you already took the first step. Acknowledging that there is a problem, and reaching out to people is a big hurdle, and you've already done that. The next step is to stop the behaviour and find a therapist that you like and trust to help you deal with the underlying issues causing you to do this to yourself. Sometimes treatment may also involve the use of medications. Hypnosis and relaxation techniques can also be helpful, and over time, with therapy and these techniques, you will learn how to handle emotions.
I promise

email me if you need to talk - [email protected]

 

[Flower]

Please take a look at this website, too, there is a ton of really good information:
Self-injury: You are NOT the only one

 

[xxChroniCxx]

i know how ya feel, i get super depressed lots too. ya really need to find sumone who you trust and can talk to. even if they don't really understand what ur feeling just having someone there that can listen and give ya a big hug when ur down helps a lot. second best to that is having sumthing u can do to express urself, weather that be drawing, writing music or poetry or whutever. even taking a walk or sumthing can make a difference. i know its hard but ya gotta try and get ur feelings out in a positive way instead of negatives like drugz and voilence.
try talking with ur parents too, they probably care but they just don't know how serious a problem it is.
*hugz*
xxChroniCxx
icq:26289738
------------------
Put it in H!

 

[Stark]

i know exactly how you feel, and i have some scars to prove it. hurting yourself seems to make emotional pain more real, someting you can deal with more easily.
i definitely agree with the recommendations that you seek some professional help. doctors and medicines can really level you out.
being your age can ba an incredibly chaotic time. i behaved almost exactly as you described yourself behaving all through my teenage years. but beleive me, it DOES get better and it DOES get less confusing.
if you ever want to drop me a line, feel free, i promise i'll get back to you as soon as i can.
[email protected]
Andy.

 

[djtonedeaf]

DA--check out this book, it has helped a lot of people in your situation:
A Bright Red Scream: Self-Mutilation and the Language of Pain
by Marilee Strong
There is a ton of information in this book on what you are going through as well as an index of websites and orgs to turn to for support. It's really wonderful, and a huge comfort to someone who feels like they are the only one with this problem.

 

[abygale]

Definitely try to get professional help with this. But if for any reason you can't do that, find someone who will listen to you non-judgementally to talk to when you're having problems. Talking to another person makes you reconsider your thoughts and feelings and may help you to better understand the cause of your depression. The very least it may do is get you past the time when you feel the need to give in to damaging impulses.
- aby

 

[^V^]

Hats off to you DA. You have taken the hardest step, and told someone. Im just wondering how your parents havnt seen the cuts or some physical eveidence of you hurting yourself and taken you to see someone already? You say this has been ongoing for years? My cousin does the same thing, cuts, bruises, broken/dislocated bones, cigarette burns ect.. Seek professional help my dear, before you hurt yourself anymore. My heart goes out to you, feel free to email me anytime, I am listening

[email protected]
[This message has been edited by ^V^ (edited 11 June 2001).]

 

[emily_roxs]

hey, i used to have that problem too...i started to see someone, and therapy helps lots! trust me you need to see someone, a proffesional because your peers and friends won't be mean to you, but they won't know what to do to help you, like my friends they will just expect you to not do it cuz they say so, and yell at you. You need to see a proffesional...when you get anxious and depressed like that do something that you like to do...like if your into art draw...make bracelets....read...write, somthing that you enjoy and helps you stay calm.

 

[emily_roxs]

oh yea if ya wanna talk about it my aim is yummyEs and my yahoo name is emily_roxs.

 

[Homeboy]

Depression is the worst fucking thing in the world.
I finally have gotten over mine, took 2 years, 3 run-aways, 2 suicide attempts, and a little therapy.
I was put on meds but I hated how they made me feel so I did it pretty much drug-free. Anyways, the best thing I can advise to you is to get some counseling. If you have major trouble opening up to your psychiatrist, (sp?) then go to a new one. The third person i went to was finally somone I was comfortable with, and that helped a whole lot.
Good luck, you can do it.
------------------
D. A. R. E.
Drugs Are Really Expensive
AIM - CaucasianHomeboy

 

[Infinite Jest]

Nice point Homeboy. The first person you seek help from might not be right for you, but keep trying till you find someone who is. Also, anti-depressants work for some people - I didn't much like the side effects, but it was a hell of a lot better than feeling depressed, self-harming and suicidal.

 

[only*cause*you*pain*]

Yeah, I know exactly how you feel..
I've taken some other peoples perscription drugs, too... 42 of 'em.. I almost died, too. Heh.. I was depressed, I don't really even know why.. Yeah, I don't like people.. People and I do not get along. But, I guess.. Take care

-Kayla.

 

[wickedclown_stl]

I get so sad when I hear about other people going through so much pain. I used to cut myself as well, but it always tended to be a life affirming action. Right before I got to the artery, I would always stop and realize how good life could be and how much of a waste it would be if I killed myself. Sometimes I got a little farther and had to go to the hospital and I will forever have scars to prove it. I would often sit around for days thinking of the most painful and elaborate ways to kill myselfm, or I would just randomly burst into tears. I also overdosed on many different types of pills, and would write apologies in case I would die, but I would never ask for help or call a hospital. One time, my mom found one of my notes and she took me to the hospital, where I was put into inpatient behavioral treatment for about three weeks.
The advice I can give is the same as what the others have stated. You need therapy. It really, really helps. Antidepressants didn't do that much for me, but a few hour long sessions with a psychiatrist I really liked worked wonders. I am proud to say that I have not cut myself or thought of suicide for over a year.
My e-mail is always open for anyone who needs help: [email protected]
I am 18, as well.
Friends are important. This will show you who your true friends are. I'm sure you do have them, even if you don't know it. E-mail some of the people who offered their addresses. I'm sure that some of them could become true friends, although you obviously won't see them as often. Good luck, you will make it through this.

 

[BuBbLeSBaLLooN]

First of all babe, you can't get help for what you have unless you want to help yourself, which I think you do......So.....What you HAVE to start doing is looking at your self in the mirror and just look........don't pluck your brows.......don't pick @ your face.......just look. Look into your eyes. Find the little girl that's in there. There's one there, trust me! There's on in all guys and gurls. Find the little girl....and tell her she's special...tell her she's the most important thing in this world.....tell her she's LOVED.... Babe, if you do this eveyday from now on, you'll be what you tell yourself. Kinda like, "You are what you eat." thing. Babe, you are what you tell yourself. You don't want to be cut up Virginia Ham do you??? NO you don't, or else you wouldn't have posted.

Your LOVED Babe. E-mail me sometime. [email protected]
Screen Name: BuBbLesBaLLooN
~ LUV ~ BUBBLES ~
------------------
~*I AM A LOVA=NOT A FIGHTAON'T HATE ME CUZ I'M BOOTYFUL*~

 

[xena]

this is a touchy subject for me, and i shouldn't be replying because i'm going to end up getting really emotional, but here goes...
i could have written the exact words you wrote a few years ago. i was incredibly depressed for no apparent reason, and no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't "cheer up". i cut myself constantly (i still have a few scars, but most of them, luckily, have faded away, though the ones on my wrist will be there forever, i fear). i went from being a straight A student to almost failing the grade. i didn't care about anyone or anything, especially not about myself or my family. i was incredibly self-destructive.
my parents didn't understand what i was feeling. luckily, i had a couple of great friends who supported me and helped me get through it, and my parents supported me once they knew what was going on. i got help and i've been fine since then. these things happen to the best of us. you'll get through it.
i know it seems like no one cares about you right now, but BELIEVE me, a lot of people who are close to you are worried about you and want you to get better.
what you're feeling right now is NOT your fault. this just happens to some people sometimes. it's random. but it's not your fault and you didn't do anything to deserveto feel like this.
listen to me... you NEED to get professional help as soon as you possibly can, no matter how embarrassing it seems. these people are professionals, and they have seen some REALLY messed up people, and nothing fazes them. they really are there to help you. get an outlet of some sort... listen to uplifting music, write what you're feeling, talk to people. you'll feel better in no time.
please im me or email me as soon as you can. i'll be there to talk to you whenever you want.
AIM: imJUSTaSNERK
email: [email protected]
take care of yourself

 

[-ravluna-]

wow.. its hard for me to believe that there are other people out there who are going through the same thing i did...
self mutilation is something i would never wish on anyone... and i think the fact that so many people are affected by it says something about the society we live in...
i had problems with depression and cutting from the 5th grade until i graduated from high school... looking back i dont know how i made it through, i guess because it was all i ever knew...
but now i know a much different life, and i hope to give you encouragement because there is something out there that will help you, maybe its not your parents, maybe its not your friends, but there is someone, all you have to do is find them..
look for help and you will get it..
wishing you the best...

 

[stardragon]

i find it's a "no, look, really, look how ugly i am, i'll show you" thing, although most of the time i'm way too much of a wuss to do more than a single cut... usually they're on the arm or the breast (it's not as sensitive as you might think, not for me anyway), a couple of times on the inner thighs, once on the face...
times like this i light a few candles and beg whatever powers that be to make me beautiful, to make me as pretty as my fiancé is.. he sent me some pictures that a girl he was kinda seeing at the time (yes this was approved) had taken of him in january, pics of him and his friend paul.. and he looked so happy, and pretty..
and it dawned on me that the reason i always thought he never looked so good in pictures is because i was there.. my presence in the picture changed his appearance, and indeed, as people have noted, we looked somewhat alike - somehow i was dragging him down, the way i look was making him shine less.. and looking at those pictures made me feel so awful, so ugly, because i am ugly enough to actually put a damper on beauty like his just by being there..
and i just want to cover myself in bleeding scars so that people will see it, will agree with what i know to be true.. or at least so he can finally admit the truth to himself, if no one else.. when i look in the mirror when i'm rolling i think otherwise, of course.. the big pupils, the happy brain-state, it all adds together... so sometimes i get the dangerous thought that if i want to be beautiful i should go drop some e and be pretty for a few hours..
and i've never succumbed to the thought and i don't think i ever will, but it scares me that i have it at all.. and it scares me that i'm going to go buy some of those scalpel blades now so that i can have something better than the razor that came out of a utility knife, sharpened as best i can on my old camping whetstone...
------------------
The problem with troubleshooting is that real trouble shoots back.