lazydullard
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 25, 2007
- Messages
- 1,125
I get a lot incredulous looks when I say I'm addicted to DXM. Many people don't think I'm a real addict, or are otherwise derisive in their facial expressions. So in rehab I would lie and say I was addicted to spice or meth. I remember from treatment that you need a good support system to quit successfully, and I never had one. I was hesitant to come forth to people because of social anxiety which I originally started doing drugs to treat. Now I'm 30 and don't care what people say or think, and can be honest in my attempt to quit DXM.
I had passed a homeless stint as a tweaker but it's DXM that gets me in trouble today. It's just so available and easy to attain. I've stolen hundreds of bottles of cough syrup by now. I used to live to shoplift dxm and be high all day for free. I became convinced that I was an evil person and that it was my responsibility to steal from a society that couldn't fit me in.
I moved in with my parents because I was tired of being homeless, even though it was only for a like 3 months. My mom is passionate that I remain sober or I can't live here. I don't know if she'd actually kick me out or not. Probably so. So I think to myself, maybe I can dose late at night after she goes to bed. But then I want to be sober and don't want to be duplicit anymore. I no longer consider myself an outlaw villain, just a basically good person who fell out of good mental health.
The struggle moment is when I go to school. I'm enrolled in community college for a transfer degree to a university. That is when the urge to go across the street to walmart and raid their shelves comes into play. I have to skip class to do it, because as part of my parent's support they pick me up directly after class ends. And skipping classes isn't good. DXM-related troubles has cost me to miss out on a lot of school, in so far that I was still a freshman after 2 years of trying to go to college. Now its obvious to me I can't complete schooling on DXM, but then again instantly there's a feeling that I totally can. When I do decide to skip class and steal cough syrup, I revert to the old rogue I was before temporarily. And I fantasize that getting kicked out of the house would just let me be high on cough syrup more often.
I was recently drug-free for almost three months but then blew it. I wanted some DXM to do some creative writing, or to become "one with God," as a type of trip I've labeled. Now I'm starting again to try to be sober.
I bought a half-gallon of vodka to sip in secret this past week. I used to be a heavy drinker but now it makes me sick. I switched to alcohol because I could fake sobriety easier on it. Now I'm going to try being sober for real, except for caffeine. Sometimes I think I need to give up the caffeine too. But then I feel so lost and alone and hungry for stimulation.
It's also hard to quit cough syrup because it leads me to believe stuff. I don't know if its real or not, and I'm already on court-ordered treatment due to acting outrageous and pissing off my family during a cough syrup high. Anyway, I'm in contact with another universe, and I believe it completely, and I talk to the people there and can do magic that affects their world. This line of thought originally started during a heavy cough syrup binge, and indeed being high on cough syrup leads me to find secrets about the other universe that I can pass on to them. I'm a prophet in that world. The last time I went to court ordered treatment, I harassed hospital staff trying to get them to acknowledge I'm John the Prophet, who got one line in the bible but that's me. Not to be confused with John the Baptist, who's pretty cool but not me. I'm on zyprexa and haldol as per the provider's wishes during my court ordered treatment.
Anyway, so now my day is governing the other universe while wishing I was on DXM, or doing homework, which makes me feel almost as good as governing, while trying to wish away my cough syrup cravings. They're strong as methamphetamine cravings in my experience.
It was therapeutic to get my story down in writing, and cough syrup addiction is novel enough I might get a few readers.
I had passed a homeless stint as a tweaker but it's DXM that gets me in trouble today. It's just so available and easy to attain. I've stolen hundreds of bottles of cough syrup by now. I used to live to shoplift dxm and be high all day for free. I became convinced that I was an evil person and that it was my responsibility to steal from a society that couldn't fit me in.
I moved in with my parents because I was tired of being homeless, even though it was only for a like 3 months. My mom is passionate that I remain sober or I can't live here. I don't know if she'd actually kick me out or not. Probably so. So I think to myself, maybe I can dose late at night after she goes to bed. But then I want to be sober and don't want to be duplicit anymore. I no longer consider myself an outlaw villain, just a basically good person who fell out of good mental health.
The struggle moment is when I go to school. I'm enrolled in community college for a transfer degree to a university. That is when the urge to go across the street to walmart and raid their shelves comes into play. I have to skip class to do it, because as part of my parent's support they pick me up directly after class ends. And skipping classes isn't good. DXM-related troubles has cost me to miss out on a lot of school, in so far that I was still a freshman after 2 years of trying to go to college. Now its obvious to me I can't complete schooling on DXM, but then again instantly there's a feeling that I totally can. When I do decide to skip class and steal cough syrup, I revert to the old rogue I was before temporarily. And I fantasize that getting kicked out of the house would just let me be high on cough syrup more often.
I was recently drug-free for almost three months but then blew it. I wanted some DXM to do some creative writing, or to become "one with God," as a type of trip I've labeled. Now I'm starting again to try to be sober.
I bought a half-gallon of vodka to sip in secret this past week. I used to be a heavy drinker but now it makes me sick. I switched to alcohol because I could fake sobriety easier on it. Now I'm going to try being sober for real, except for caffeine. Sometimes I think I need to give up the caffeine too. But then I feel so lost and alone and hungry for stimulation.
It's also hard to quit cough syrup because it leads me to believe stuff. I don't know if its real or not, and I'm already on court-ordered treatment due to acting outrageous and pissing off my family during a cough syrup high. Anyway, I'm in contact with another universe, and I believe it completely, and I talk to the people there and can do magic that affects their world. This line of thought originally started during a heavy cough syrup binge, and indeed being high on cough syrup leads me to find secrets about the other universe that I can pass on to them. I'm a prophet in that world. The last time I went to court ordered treatment, I harassed hospital staff trying to get them to acknowledge I'm John the Prophet, who got one line in the bible but that's me. Not to be confused with John the Baptist, who's pretty cool but not me. I'm on zyprexa and haldol as per the provider's wishes during my court ordered treatment.
Anyway, so now my day is governing the other universe while wishing I was on DXM, or doing homework, which makes me feel almost as good as governing, while trying to wish away my cough syrup cravings. They're strong as methamphetamine cravings in my experience.
It was therapeutic to get my story down in writing, and cough syrup addiction is novel enough I might get a few readers.