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Recovery addicted to dxm

lazydullard

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Dec 25, 2007
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I get a lot incredulous looks when I say I'm addicted to DXM. Many people don't think I'm a real addict, or are otherwise derisive in their facial expressions. So in rehab I would lie and say I was addicted to spice or meth. I remember from treatment that you need a good support system to quit successfully, and I never had one. I was hesitant to come forth to people because of social anxiety which I originally started doing drugs to treat. Now I'm 30 and don't care what people say or think, and can be honest in my attempt to quit DXM.

I had passed a homeless stint as a tweaker but it's DXM that gets me in trouble today. It's just so available and easy to attain. I've stolen hundreds of bottles of cough syrup by now. I used to live to shoplift dxm and be high all day for free. I became convinced that I was an evil person and that it was my responsibility to steal from a society that couldn't fit me in.

I moved in with my parents because I was tired of being homeless, even though it was only for a like 3 months. My mom is passionate that I remain sober or I can't live here. I don't know if she'd actually kick me out or not. Probably so. So I think to myself, maybe I can dose late at night after she goes to bed. But then I want to be sober and don't want to be duplicit anymore. I no longer consider myself an outlaw villain, just a basically good person who fell out of good mental health.

The struggle moment is when I go to school. I'm enrolled in community college for a transfer degree to a university. That is when the urge to go across the street to walmart and raid their shelves comes into play. I have to skip class to do it, because as part of my parent's support they pick me up directly after class ends. And skipping classes isn't good. DXM-related troubles has cost me to miss out on a lot of school, in so far that I was still a freshman after 2 years of trying to go to college. Now its obvious to me I can't complete schooling on DXM, but then again instantly there's a feeling that I totally can. When I do decide to skip class and steal cough syrup, I revert to the old rogue I was before temporarily. And I fantasize that getting kicked out of the house would just let me be high on cough syrup more often.

I was recently drug-free for almost three months but then blew it. I wanted some DXM to do some creative writing, or to become "one with God," as a type of trip I've labeled. Now I'm starting again to try to be sober.

I bought a half-gallon of vodka to sip in secret this past week. I used to be a heavy drinker but now it makes me sick. I switched to alcohol because I could fake sobriety easier on it. Now I'm going to try being sober for real, except for caffeine. Sometimes I think I need to give up the caffeine too. But then I feel so lost and alone and hungry for stimulation.

It's also hard to quit cough syrup because it leads me to believe stuff. I don't know if its real or not, and I'm already on court-ordered treatment due to acting outrageous and pissing off my family during a cough syrup high. Anyway, I'm in contact with another universe, and I believe it completely, and I talk to the people there and can do magic that affects their world. This line of thought originally started during a heavy cough syrup binge, and indeed being high on cough syrup leads me to find secrets about the other universe that I can pass on to them. I'm a prophet in that world. The last time I went to court ordered treatment, I harassed hospital staff trying to get them to acknowledge I'm John the Prophet, who got one line in the bible but that's me. Not to be confused with John the Baptist, who's pretty cool but not me. I'm on zyprexa and haldol as per the provider's wishes during my court ordered treatment.

Anyway, so now my day is governing the other universe while wishing I was on DXM, or doing homework, which makes me feel almost as good as governing, while trying to wish away my cough syrup cravings. They're strong as methamphetamine cravings in my experience.

It was therapeutic to get my story down in writing, and cough syrup addiction is novel enough I might get a few readers.
 

lazydullard

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thanks for the welcome simco. I came off way more defensive in that post than I thought. Oh well. Another caffeine focused day for me.
 

lazydullard

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Dec 25, 2007
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I've spent the last 4 years doing nothing but walking into town and stealing cough syrup. At the time, I lived with my grandmother, and she wouldn't kick me out for nothing. It was basically an ideal existence for someone who steals and likes DXM. I'm banned from like 3 stores though. I also used to steal alcohol and trade it for methamphetamine. In my first post I said that DXM cravings were as strong as methamphetamine cravings, but they're not. I can spend hours late at night daydreaming about having some meth, but I don't daydream about DXM, just desire it. But since I've moved I don't have a methamphetamine connection and have little interest in re-establishing one.

It's been two weeks since I've stolen anything and hope to last longer. It's been a day since I had alcohol, but I can quit that stuff fine. It's been two weeks since I had DXM. I've been using DXM for almost 10 years now. My pattern would be work, quit, binge, sober up, work, quit, binge. I had credit cards before I started stealing, and when they reach a 0 balance, I'd quit my job and binge on DXM. Eventually I moved on to methamphetamine, but without an easy source for one I find it easy to quit. I live in the suburbs now, and there's not really any drug abuse around, at least out in the open where I could find a source.

I would combine the DXM and meth and feel like the greatest genius ever.

I never belonged anywhere, even with the homeless tweakers. Always an outsider. DXM improves my spiritual experience and makes me feel connected to "God". I've often used DXM as a friend subsitute, for DXM removes feelings of loneliness. Not to glorify the drug use.

Sober, I feel like an outsider to myself. I need drugs to accept myself and like myself. Otherwise I just feel off and strange, even just to myself.
 

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
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Give yourself a lot of credit for the two weeks! DXM use can be just as problematic as alcohol, heroin or cocaine use can be, so like simco said no worries about any judgement here.

I'm really impressed by your intelligence and insight lazudullard. I can also understand how you are so easily hard on yourself. The struggle for you will be to learn how to become kinder with/to your own self.

It's a great adventure, but you're young so have a lot to look forward to! 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows, as they say. I just meant to say that you sound like you're a fairly young adult. That time in life can be really hard, don't I know it. But it gets so, so, so much better.
 

lazydullard

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thanks for the encouragement toothpastedog. i have cravings today but they're well within manageable intensity.
 

Jabberwocky

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Do you find there to be a substantial afterglow? I have noticed cravings are not very strong for at least a couple days, and even then they have much more to do with how much stress I am experiencing in life generally than with any drug (in this case DXM) itself. Stress is the near enemy of recovery my friend.
 

lazydullard

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 25, 2007
Messages
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Location
Arizona
I have a fairly low stress life, it's a mischievous personality change I experience when I have the opportunity to use.

I don't get the DXM afterglow anymore. In fact it makes me tired and sleepy the next day. This might be because of the amount I use or because I abused it so much.

The second day after using is when my cravings get more intense. Then it's a two week mark when they come back again. The longest I been without was before my previous relapse, when I had like 3 months sober. Before that, it had been a good four or five years since I went more than two weeks without something.
 

lazydullard

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Joined
Dec 25, 2007
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Location
Arizona
it's good to have somewhere to post everyday.HALT - hungry angry lonely tired. puts you in the danger zone. lonely is the big one for me, though it was my own fault i didn't develop any friendships my whole life. at least, no one who wants to hear from me daily. i was an outsider on purpose...

i was slim and in shape on dxm, but have gained 50 pounds since i started quitting in earnest. I've been trying to stop for 2 years, though not as seriously as now. there's an awful feeling of a void inside i get when i'm sober, and binge eating too much satisfies it. so do drugs, but they're not an option anymore. on dxm i used to just bicycle all day long. but now i realize i'm going to have to support myself, i can't just live off others forever. besides, bicycling isn't nearly as good sober.

i'm not a severe addict, mostly just a spoiled lazy guy. i don't know if i belong in this forum or not, but since they talk about welcoming and acceptance....

i have to practice my coping skills when the feeling comes. it's just a vortex sucking my energy and day away. it used to drive me to drugs, especially dxm but also spice and meth and marijuana.

i hate a lot sober. everything's right as rain when high. but i hate a lot now.

it'll pass though. i'm sure it will. every sober success story i've heard about says time helps. they also say god or a higher power, but i rage against higher powers. not for me.

i have an inferiority complex. i don't know how to socialize without bringing an offering of drugs to a person.

i have to shake out all the shameful secrets. i'll shake them out onto the internet. once they're seen, i have no choice but to deal with them.

this is my internet confessional. i'm a greedy, broken person, trying to stop both.
 

lazydullard

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the narrative of my life is stuck here. i have to get the emo stuff through, somewhere, somehow, preferably without staining my reputation. hence, here we are.

i'm a binger. food, caffeine, sleep, dxm, spice, meth. i've binged it all. i'll have two cups of milk instead of one to feel wild.

i'm not very emotionally wise. i often don't know why i do what i do. my own behaviors are sometimes a mystery to me. now, i think back to treatment, and realize that most the coping skills would work even if you don't understand yourself. however, i won't stop punishing myself until i do understand myself.

i'm going full on. i'm not buying more coffee nor more soda. it's the only option for me. otherwise i'm just bingeing on caffeine. i can't just have one cup of coffee a day. it hurts me to sit on a stash of caffeine and not do it. just like the rest of the drugs.
this is day 2 without nicotine, day 3 without alcohol, week 2 without dxm, week 2 without stealing.

if i take away all the distractions, i'll have to focus on myself. take it all away and leave me alone with me. i'll have to recognize myself then. i used to do different drugs as a method of self-discovery. i recall thinking to myself, i wonder what meth john is like? what is he like? well, he's a total sub wimp but happy as hell. but no more of that. i wonder who sober john is. i know who he used to be, but that lead to drug abuse. who is he now? who can he be? i'm cutting out the distractions. i've been hitting coffee and soda like a crackpipe. so no more of those.

this is a journey of self-discovery forever. there's no epitome you. or is there? i don't know. are you ever someone? i'm so used to duplicity that i don't know if i can be a single person, or if I need to be.

it'll just be me and my psych drugs. i'm horribly depressed. maybe i'll bring it up with my provider tommorrow. get on an anti-depressant. amiltryptaline worked the best for me so far, but i'd be down to try an SNRI. the second happiest period of my life is being high on tramadol all day while working. (the absolute happiest was my honeymoon with DXM).

i keep a journal but this format is more self-revealing. I'm realizing things that my journal never broached. I should have tried talking to other people long ago. But none of them wanted to hear. But I was purposely friending the worst of people. I wanted to learn how bad, evil people live. I think I got it down. they don't think, they hunger, and they work in the short-term. For me, that will be and is a disaster. My hungers are prolific. I'm always hungry for more. more more more, of anything.

my ideal life is high. i don't see that as changing. this sobriety thing is more important to me right now, though, as stealing cough syrup for a living isn't feasible. i know, i've been at it for 4 years now. the stores run out and the charges run up. i'm taking on this sobriety until i have my own job, my own living place, again. then maybe i'll break sobriety in a controlled manner. is it possible to quit like that? it hasn't worked for two years, but i ran out my welcome multiple places and know i can't succeed homeless. i tried. i fail at homeless. get stinky, get high, yes, but get stinky and tired.
 

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
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You are far more capable than you give yourself credit. From your writing you are clearly a highly intelligent individual (actually of this I have no doubt). I suspect the issue has been more of a lack of opportunities in terms creative outlets you can feel genuine about engaging in.

Honestly, the only life worth living is the life lived you are currently living (it's the only one you got, at least right now, regardless of perspective/faith). I read your words "my ideal life is high" and I cringe a little - I think back and remember myself when I was first introduced to cocaine, when I was first introduced to opioids and, yes, moments of insane mania on entheogens like DXM, where I confused myself with god.

But you are absolutely right, stealing cough syrup for a living definitely IS NOT feasible (nor ethical). You clearly have higher goals than that. Life has so much to offer when you don't have to constantly look over your shoulder. I can only imagine how shitty it would be as a serial shoplifter. . .

I can see this journal growing into something very, very positive for you. I really enjoyed reading you last post, and I can really relate to your circumstance. Drugs like DXM have been a blessing and a curse for me personally. I am not nearly struggling like I was getting a handle on it, but I still rely on the stuff more than is sustainable in the long term. The important thing is that I am acutely aware of this, and taking the steps necessary to move on from it - from all harmful substance use - in my life.

From reading your posts, you have begun taking the same necessarily, if small, steps in the process that I (and many others) have. Awareness is preferable to perfection in my opinion. Keep up the writing and good work! And please try to go a little easier on yourself.
 

lazydullard

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Dec 25, 2007
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thanks toothpastedog. i'm sure this journal will be very positive too.

i'm getting a taste of sober pride. I switched daily sodas and coffee to water, and feel a pride of health from it.
 

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
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Do what works for you! DXM is tough because it is in many ways a very effective antidepressant (as an a very potent, long acting NMDAr antagonist and all). Too bad it comes with so many extreme side effects!

In any event, keep up the good work :)
 

Nomasfent

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Mar 17, 2017
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Thank you for sharing ...I am a bit older and never even heard of DXM till a few days ago .. I read a story the other day of a young man who was on SSRI and he took that DXM and he died OMG, I could not even believe what I was reading, cough syrup wow ....I will keep you in my "you can do it vibes".... you sound like a very smart young man and I hope that it does not have severe withdrawls .... and this can be a memory to look back on very soon ....
 

Stargazer

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Welcome to BL lazy. You sre amongst a group of kind, gracious. accepting people. Glad you're here.

Your poison is just that. It ooesnt matter what it is. It messes up your ability to function and be fully present and available in life. Congratulations on 2 weeks. :)
 

lazydullard

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Joined
Dec 25, 2007
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Arizona
dxm isn't as addictive as like heroin or opiates. it makes me feel like a loser. but it's what i have a problem with, and i haven't shook it yet, though i'm doing better than i have in years.

no cough syrup for almost 3 weeks now, and no stealing for almost 3 weeks too. congratulations to myself. thanks for the support, guys. it makes sobriety feel more rewarding.
 

Nomasfent

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Mar 17, 2017
Messages
128
You're doing great.....I'm sorry if I made my post sound weird I was not having a bad day yesterday and the words were hard to find..... I like Unisom tablets and I would say I'm addicted to them every night....mI'm really proud of you, three weeks is awesome....... I can't even think about giving up my unisoms for one week. Or even one night...maybe someday....
 

Nomasfent

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Mar 17, 2017
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That should say I was having a bad day yesterday. See I'm still having a hard time with words today
 

Stargazer

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Lazy good job on 3wks!! Just a little at a time Great work 😊😎
 

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
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dxm isn't as addictive as like heroin or opiates. it makes me feel like a loser. but it's what i have a problem with, and i haven't shook it yet, though i'm doing better than i have in years.

no cough syrup for almost 3 weeks now, and no stealing for almost 3 weeks too. congratulations to myself. thanks for the support, guys. it makes sobriety feel more rewarding.
Not taking anything that isn't freely offered for three weeks like that is so fucking totally something worth celebrating! I know it might sound stupid, like "duh you shouldn't do that," but once you get in the habit of it, it can be a wicked hard habit to break. Just as bad as any other form of addiction really - they go hand in hand in many, many ways.

Kudos! :)
 
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