• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

Desperate Abusive housemate

Damn dude, I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I have had a rough go of it with roommates over the past year. Have had 3 separate living situations with either psychotic or drug addled/paranoid/thieving roommates. I've finally settled on what seems like a good situation, but it is somewhat tainted by the fact that the dude I'm living with is possibly schizophrenic. He is mostly chill, but at times will talk about hearing voices upstairs talking about stealing from us, and he talks to himself all day in his room. I think it will be bearable at least since at least my girl will be living with me now, and I've got so much work to do with school and work that I can narrow my focus on those things.

I've found when dealing with aggressive assholes, it might be best to try and not shrink away from them, but just give it back to them as hard as they give it to you. Don't be an asshole, but don't put up with their shit like that without complaint. Not sure in what manner would be the best to deal with it, but def just let her know that she's being a piece of shit, and put your foot down. With some aggressive narcissists like that, they will only listen to comparable energy. This could of course lead into more of a fight, so you have to be as tactful about it as you can. But try and not show fear, and push back on some of her bullshit, maybe she will start to back off. You may have already tried this, but to me, that is the best thing I can think of. That and obviously trying to find an alternate situation, or spending as much away from home as possible.
 
"How have you stuck up for yourself during this?"

I don't know. I haven't really. I mean, I've tried and failed. I've tried being direct, I've tried being indirect, I've tried being super polite but firm, I've tried giving her a taste of her own medicine, I've tried avoidance / silence, At the moment I'm just playing it moment-to-moment. She's here now.
 
"I've found when dealing with aggressive assholes, it might be best to try and not shrink away from them, but just give it back to them as hard as they give it to you. Don't be an asshole, but don't put up with their shit like that without complaint. Not sure in what manner would be the best to deal with it, but def just let her know that she's being a piece of shit, and put your foot down. With some aggressive narcissists like that, they will only listen to comparable energy. This could of course lead into more of a fight, so you have to be as tactful about it as you can. But try and not show fear, and push back on some of her bullshit, maybe she will start to back off. You may have already tried this, but to me, that is the best thing I can think of. That and obviously trying to find an alternate situation, or spending as much away from home as possible."

Thanks, that's helpful.
 
get the hell out!!!
I really do not understand how you could of not seem this and gotten into this situation??
Either one of you is Fantastic at disguise, or someone is Blind??
I always Love the Quote from:
Katharine Hepburn — 'Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
 
RhythmSpring said:
"I’d go look for another woman. Just saying because your quite upset over really minor stuff against a roommate that’s almost never home. Seems like there is some underlying tension involved?"

Having a loving relationship surely helps, but I don't appreciate you saying that my situation amounts to "really minor stuff." I've never encountered anything like this before. It is constant abuse. When she does come home it just reminds me how shitty it was, and brings back all the tension/PTSD from being screamed at/threatened. It is still a problem that needs to be dealt with.
Click to expand...
This lady (Jessica) sounds like my mom

Imo, none of that is minor, and it’s fucked up how police don’t care when a woman’s being abusive, but when a man hits back, he’s a bastard and should be imprisoned for a time no less than 2 months.

There’s all these women talking about equality in the media, but then they act like there defenseless innocent creatures, they are NOT defenseless, and damn well not innocent

I think the gender inequality leads a lot of women to think they can be abusive with no repercussions, which is fucked

Anyone ever hear about that lady who cut that guy she dick off and ran away in her car with it?
 
Last edited:
RhythmSpring said:
"I've found when dealing with aggressive assholes, it might be best to try and not shrink away from them, but just give it back to them as hard as they give it to you. Don't be an asshole, but don't put up with their shit like that without complaint. Not sure in what manner would be the best to deal with it, but def just let her know that she's being a piece of shit, and put your foot down. With some aggressive narcissists like that, they will only listen to comparable energy. This could of course lead into more of a fight, so you have to be as tactful about it as you can. But try and not show fear, and push back on some of her bullshit, maybe she will start to back off. You may have already tried this, but to me, that is the best thing I can think of. That and obviously trying to find an alternate situation, or spending as much away from home as possible."

Thanks, that's helpful.
Click to expand...
If you can’t leave, she up hidden cameras in key areas, catch her on film next time she physically touches you, or throws water on you(class c misdemeanor assault my contact) then call the police, Andy get a restraining orde issued
 
@RhythmSpring I'm sorry to read about you situation. I am not in any way trying to justify or minimalize your roommate's behavior but I think it sounds like she may have some underlying psychological issues, maybe undiagnosed borderline personality disorder or something else. I don't know for sure. Maybe a disorder has been diagnosed and she just isn't taking her meds.

When I was a social worker, I had a client with severe dementia who had been abused by men in her life. When I would see her for our meetings, she wouldn't remember who I was, just that I was male and not to be trusted. She would scream and curse at me just for trying to help her. It was a very sad situation and eventually I was forced by my superiors to have her returned to the nursing home she escaped from before becoming homeless. The nursing home was a higher level of care that she needed. She just wasn't cut out for living independently. I could go into details but don't want to hijack the thread.

If your roommate does have mental illness or previous abuse, I don't really know what you can say to her to make things better other than maybe trying to have some empathy. Being confrontational may work or it may backfire. I would still try to find some alternative living situations. You speak as if there is a third roommate, is this correct? Is he not witness to any of these shenanigans? I would get together with him and see if he wants to go halves on a 2 bedroom unit. That way both of you would be gone from this mess and can still split expenses, which is cheaper than moving somewhere alone.
 
"I'm sorry to read about you situation. I am not in any way trying to justify or minimalize your roommate's behavior but I think it sounds like she may have some underlying psychological issues, maybe undiagnosed borderline personality disorder or something else. I don't know for sure. Maybe a disorder has been diagnosed and she just isn't taking her meds."

You are correct. "Jessica" has told me that she used to be on psych meds for a long time, but went off them in her 20s. She acknowledges brain damage from them or something like that and is trying to get back to normal. I do have sympathy for her, but that doesn't make her actions any less abrasive. I still need to defend myself. I don't necessarily think meds are the answer, but yeah, that is the territory we are in: psychological disorder.

"When I was a social worker, I had a client with severe dementia who had been abused by men in her life. When I would see her for our meetings, she wouldn't remember who I was, just that I was male and not to be trusted. She would scream and curse at me just for trying to help her. It was a very sad situation and eventually I was forced by my superiors to have her returned to the nursing home she escaped from before becoming homeless. The nursing home was a higher level of care that she needed. She just wasn't cut out for living independently. I could go into details but don't want to hijack the thread."

Jessica has also expressed severe mistrust. When we were hanging out before we moved in together, we had a platonic intimate moment and she said, "I'm not in any danger, am I? You're not going to hurt me?" I was so surprised at the statement because I don't think I could have been more docile, more gentle at that moment. It came out of left field, as far as I was concerned.

"If your roommate does have mental illness or previous abuse, I don't really know what you can say to her to make things better other than maybe trying to have some empathy. Being confrontational may work or it may backfire. I would still try to find some alternative living situations. You speak as if there is a third roommate, is this correct? Is he not witness to any of these shenanigans? I would get together with him and see if he wants to go halves on a 2 bedroom unit. That way both of you would be gone from this mess and can still split expenses, which is cheaper than moving somewhere alone."

I have been wishing and praying that the third roommate could have been here to witness all of it and thus absorb / diminish some of the tension but they've been several states away taking care of a parent for this entire time. I've been alone in this, essentially. : /

BTW, sorry for the weird quoting format. My computer is ooold and won't do a lot of internet functions.
 
I’m super sorry to hear about your situation. This is completely fucked up. I understand how u feel about her being female and you being male but abuse is abuse, either sex is capable of it. I would definitely keep calling the cops on her ass any time she becomes abusive and trust me, they will do something. I wish I had better advice. Hang in there ❤️
 
RhythmSpring said:
Hey, thanks for all your responses.

"What lever can you use to make her sit down and listen?What lever can you use to make her sit down and listen?"

Nope. I've tried everything. She literally runs away. Into her room, locks the door and says, "la la la I can't hear you!" I'm not joking. Again, she's 39. ​

"it turned out she had been lying for months"
​
This wouldn't surprise me with her. I'm sure she is telling her friends all sorts of shit about me. Like I'm a sad slob who can't function by myself properly, or something.

No, her name is not Mary.

The silver lining here is that she rarely spends time in the house these days. She hasn't slept over for like 2 months. She claims she can't stand being around me. I believe her--I have definitely considered there being some sort of mirror action going on, which is why I tread lightly and hesitate to be brazen with her, like saying things like "Cut the shit" (read in another thread about abuse, I think).

Chasing her naked is not an option. a) would probably get me in trouble b) just isn't me.

"Express the way you feel or your opinion In a more manly fashion"

I have tried everything I know. Normally I am a very diplomatic person. This has been reflected back to me by my friends and peers. Not sure what you mean by "manly fashion." Could you elaborate?

We're both living on public resources, but she seems to go the extra mile with that.

"Or you could try and ask her to write a list of things she hates about living with you and then you compare lists and work out an agreement on how to live together until you can move out."

Ha! That would require having a normal conversation with her. She has refused cooperation with anything remotely of that nature ever since we've moved in. Basically any conversation in which I am genuinely listened to.
Click to expand...
Seems to me like she has psychological problems 😏 No one as a normal person at 39 years old acts like a 14 year old teenager with raging hormones! Shes not carrying a full deck of cards if you ask me. Get out of that situation as soon as possible.
 
polarthedog said:
This lady (Jessica) sounds like my mom

Imo, none of that is minor, and it’s fucked up how police don’t care when a woman’s being abusive, but when a man hits back, he’s a bastard and should be imprisoned for a time no less than 2 months.

There’s all these women talking about equality in the media, but then they act like there defenseless innocent creatures, they are NOT defenseless, and damn well not innocent

I think the gender inequality leads a lot of women to think they can be abusive with no repercussions, which is fucked

Anyone ever hear about that lady who cut that guy she dick off and ran away in her car with it?
Click to expand...
Not always....my ex wife hauled off and hit me, leaving a nice welt on my cheek. So I did the right thing and called her bluff. I called the police. After I did she got scared and took off in her car. If she was there, they were going to arrest her. She got very humble after that incident
 
Sounds like shes in desperate need of a good hiding to be honest. I bet if you knock her out once shes stop all her bullshit. Your a patient man, ill give you that.

For the record, im agaisnt any form of violence especially against females. But if a female is physically attacking a man and acting completely out of order, you have to draw the line somewhere.
 
floatingaround said:
Sounds like shes in desperate need of a good hiding to be honest. I bet if you knock her out once shes stop all her bullshit. Your a patient man, ill give you that.

For the record, im agaisnt any form of violence especially against females. But if a female is physically attacking a man and acting completely out of order, you have to draw the line somewhere.
Click to expand...
I concur...
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top