Bomb319
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2011
- Messages
- 583
I honestly could never understand what some people see in drugs like meth or crack. I mean I obviously am aware that everyone is different, with different likes, dislikes and biochemistry. However for me, opiates just give such a strong, amazing and addictive rush followed by many hours of very pleasurable nodding and sleep (or at least they did at first) and some of the most amazing experiences in my life were after taking a bunch of Percocet pills at the same time. Sighh...I know it isn't good to wax poetic about how good a drug was, but those early Perc days were simply pure bliss. I had no idea what I was in for; no idea that taking just a few normal-looking pills could have such a profound and permanent effect on my life. It was the fabled and oft-chased "honeymoon phase" - the first of many (before the snorting honeymoon and shotting honeymoon over the years to come). Little to no worries of addiction, no debt since it was a legit Rx, hours of playing my fave video games cozy in my room at night, just so very much at peace and feeling so good just lying there. I paid for this dearly in the end, of course. Even so, after the following years of hell and true torment, a deadly infection, losing all my friends, nearly losing my family, and getting a criminal record, I STILL can't help but look back fondly on those first few months where I was prescribed 100 Percocets per month, refillable every month. For the first 2 or 3 months, just 4 of them and nothing else would have me nodding like a fiend. I should point out that up until that point, I had been prescribed Tylenol with codeine (30 mg per pill) but never abused them, nor thought of them as being abusable in the first place. I had T3's left that expired 5 years prior. That would not and could not be possible once I got properly addicted, of course.
Anyway, they were such a new experience for me and sooooo much better than any other drug I've ever tried before, it was truly a case of love at first sight (or swallow lol). I have fonder memories and remember the feeling as better than eventual shooting up of heroin with decent quality. Once I got heavily into that, it reigned king of course. But all else being equal and especially considering the lack of addiction-related stress and anxiety at the beginning, those Percs had everything else beat by a country mile.
Opiates are one of those rare things in life where you could see them as the greatest thing ever and the worst thing ever simultaneously. As most of you here already know, it is absolutely not a beast in which you can tread lightly and make rational decisions. Even a few vicodin pills had me in bliss in those early stages. Hell, I even got pleasantly wasted in a nearly favorable comparison to the percs from TRAMADOL once or twice. After any semblance of addiction, Tramadol is a drug that somehow produces no opiate pleasure or extremely little (a bit less than codeine, but with way worse side effects which all but mask it), a lower seizure threshold, the risk of APAP poisoning (Tramacet) etc.
With opiates, I felt as though I had been missing out on some incredible secret hidden all my life when I first had them. As I said before, love at first sight doesn't do it justice. I not only felt amazing, but I would also be stimulated moderately and talk incessantly with family and friends - just being truly happy overall, despite it being due to an artificial drug. Now stims - I had more than my fair share of all of them concurrent with my addiction. I tried pretty much everything: methylphenidate, Adderall, Dexedrine, cocaine (IV and nasal), crack fairly often, meth just 4-5 times but also IV and smoked, and once or twice with MDMA. NONE of those drugs produced any semblance of psychological addiction to me, and only a few were even subjectively what I would call "enjoyable" and worth it in the first place. Sure, when I had the addict's lifestyle and mindset, I would buy crack and/or blow along with my dope if I could afford it simply because it was there and another way to get high. More often than not, I would just use some of it over and over as something to do, without ever getting a "real" rush from ANY of it despite repeated use and attempts, and became addicted to it (crack and coke) only to the extent that I would buy it daily for awhile mostly as something to do, but ONLY IF I WAS ALREADY HIGH FROM OPIATES.
I would NOT take stims while not opiated or withdrawing. I have, and it sucked. Even when I WAS high, it was kind of fun and not to mention incredibly dangerous to shoot rig after rig of blow. punctuated with some H or dilaudids here and there. Again, what I REALLY enjoyed was purchasing it, cooking it and shooting it. In fact, more often than not I would feel very anxious and jittery afterwards, not being sure even to my own mind I was even bothering to continue with it if it was around. I would never go out of my way to get it. When the time came where I began to be randomly tested for methadone take-home doses, I quit abruptly and have not used since and rarely even think of it outside of contexts like this. That was almost a year ago now, and I am starting to feel as though I'm even losing the procedural memory how to prep a pipe properly. There is no love lost there.
Yet I have no problem admitting that I will most likely be on opiates for life. I'm on 220 mg methadone now, and for the most part it's been a literal lifesaver. I still get "high" from it - not quite like an H rish of course, but I still feel very good and relaxed, yet often energetic and stimulated after my dose. Right now, I just can't see living without opiates in some form. I really don't thinlk it's even an issue of willpower. I honestly feel as though they "completed me" when I first started. As though I had a very low natural endorphon level my entire life. Supporting this theory are the chronic and often moderately debilitating symptoms I had which could be attributed to this, though I did not realize that at the time: chronic diarrhea-based IBS for seemingly no reason. Has made for many awkward social occasions, let me tell you O_O. 2. frequent migraine headaches, usually debilitating and always with aura. Required lying in a dark room for at least 4 hours, regardless of where I happened to be when the attack first took place. This is also the condition that led to my being prescribed so much Percocet in the first place.
Wanna know what's really fucked up? Nearly 8 years laterm after all that it destroyed in my life, all my posessions gone, friends gone, family very close to being gone and maintaining somewhat mistrust all around, physical and mental hell - especially the daily cycle of getting cash and scoring and including the true hell that followed if I couldn't, and finally debt that is embarrassing to admit even here on this forum, as it exceeds four hundred thousand dollars...and the ultimate loss - failing and having to drop out out the faculty of pharmaceutical sciences (yes I know, irony). I am now unemployed (although thanks to methadone, I can and am looking for work) and lost my chance for a good life and wealth. But you ask what the really fucked up part beyond all that which I alluded to earlier?
If you asked me if I would do it all again if I were handed a bottle of percs with no tolerance....I can pretty safely say I would. I love them and despise them, but they are a part of me I can't excise. I am honestly unsure if this is defeatist thinking or not, but I simply can't imagine living the rest of my life without them and ever being happy. Yes I know this is what happens during withdrawal, yet I tried becoming clean many times. I made it nearly 6 months in another city. Yet I woke up depressed and miserable every day, even with excess sweat and shivering after all that time had passed. Not long after that, I had discovered Kratom and life suddenly became liveable again. Even now with my methadone, I am not really that worried about what hell it will be to come off of, simply because I honestly don't think I ever WILL come off of it. At least not with my current and so far only way of thinking. If I'm truly honest with myself, I don't think I have it in me to quit. If I did, I don't want to. They truly are a part of me now, and as much god awful torment they have put me through...well, I just can't seem to stay mad at them. Part of this may be that it has cured my IBS (as long as I take my doses of course), my chronically stuffy nose, and to a great extent - even some of my depression. This is all in conjunction with its promary intended effect of finally freeing me from street opiates.
I haven't used H or pills in a year, and no longer have any real cravings for it that methadone can't fix.
Long post - thanks for reading
EDIT - I meant to say that Tramadol causes a LOWER seizure threshold, of course.
Thanks for all your input
Anyway, they were such a new experience for me and sooooo much better than any other drug I've ever tried before, it was truly a case of love at first sight (or swallow lol). I have fonder memories and remember the feeling as better than eventual shooting up of heroin with decent quality. Once I got heavily into that, it reigned king of course. But all else being equal and especially considering the lack of addiction-related stress and anxiety at the beginning, those Percs had everything else beat by a country mile.
Opiates are one of those rare things in life where you could see them as the greatest thing ever and the worst thing ever simultaneously. As most of you here already know, it is absolutely not a beast in which you can tread lightly and make rational decisions. Even a few vicodin pills had me in bliss in those early stages. Hell, I even got pleasantly wasted in a nearly favorable comparison to the percs from TRAMADOL once or twice. After any semblance of addiction, Tramadol is a drug that somehow produces no opiate pleasure or extremely little (a bit less than codeine, but with way worse side effects which all but mask it), a lower seizure threshold, the risk of APAP poisoning (Tramacet) etc.
With opiates, I felt as though I had been missing out on some incredible secret hidden all my life when I first had them. As I said before, love at first sight doesn't do it justice. I not only felt amazing, but I would also be stimulated moderately and talk incessantly with family and friends - just being truly happy overall, despite it being due to an artificial drug. Now stims - I had more than my fair share of all of them concurrent with my addiction. I tried pretty much everything: methylphenidate, Adderall, Dexedrine, cocaine (IV and nasal), crack fairly often, meth just 4-5 times but also IV and smoked, and once or twice with MDMA. NONE of those drugs produced any semblance of psychological addiction to me, and only a few were even subjectively what I would call "enjoyable" and worth it in the first place. Sure, when I had the addict's lifestyle and mindset, I would buy crack and/or blow along with my dope if I could afford it simply because it was there and another way to get high. More often than not, I would just use some of it over and over as something to do, without ever getting a "real" rush from ANY of it despite repeated use and attempts, and became addicted to it (crack and coke) only to the extent that I would buy it daily for awhile mostly as something to do, but ONLY IF I WAS ALREADY HIGH FROM OPIATES.
I would NOT take stims while not opiated or withdrawing. I have, and it sucked. Even when I WAS high, it was kind of fun and not to mention incredibly dangerous to shoot rig after rig of blow. punctuated with some H or dilaudids here and there. Again, what I REALLY enjoyed was purchasing it, cooking it and shooting it. In fact, more often than not I would feel very anxious and jittery afterwards, not being sure even to my own mind I was even bothering to continue with it if it was around. I would never go out of my way to get it. When the time came where I began to be randomly tested for methadone take-home doses, I quit abruptly and have not used since and rarely even think of it outside of contexts like this. That was almost a year ago now, and I am starting to feel as though I'm even losing the procedural memory how to prep a pipe properly. There is no love lost there.
Yet I have no problem admitting that I will most likely be on opiates for life. I'm on 220 mg methadone now, and for the most part it's been a literal lifesaver. I still get "high" from it - not quite like an H rish of course, but I still feel very good and relaxed, yet often energetic and stimulated after my dose. Right now, I just can't see living without opiates in some form. I really don't thinlk it's even an issue of willpower. I honestly feel as though they "completed me" when I first started. As though I had a very low natural endorphon level my entire life. Supporting this theory are the chronic and often moderately debilitating symptoms I had which could be attributed to this, though I did not realize that at the time: chronic diarrhea-based IBS for seemingly no reason. Has made for many awkward social occasions, let me tell you O_O. 2. frequent migraine headaches, usually debilitating and always with aura. Required lying in a dark room for at least 4 hours, regardless of where I happened to be when the attack first took place. This is also the condition that led to my being prescribed so much Percocet in the first place.
Wanna know what's really fucked up? Nearly 8 years laterm after all that it destroyed in my life, all my posessions gone, friends gone, family very close to being gone and maintaining somewhat mistrust all around, physical and mental hell - especially the daily cycle of getting cash and scoring and including the true hell that followed if I couldn't, and finally debt that is embarrassing to admit even here on this forum, as it exceeds four hundred thousand dollars...and the ultimate loss - failing and having to drop out out the faculty of pharmaceutical sciences (yes I know, irony). I am now unemployed (although thanks to methadone, I can and am looking for work) and lost my chance for a good life and wealth. But you ask what the really fucked up part beyond all that which I alluded to earlier?
If you asked me if I would do it all again if I were handed a bottle of percs with no tolerance....I can pretty safely say I would. I love them and despise them, but they are a part of me I can't excise. I am honestly unsure if this is defeatist thinking or not, but I simply can't imagine living the rest of my life without them and ever being happy. Yes I know this is what happens during withdrawal, yet I tried becoming clean many times. I made it nearly 6 months in another city. Yet I woke up depressed and miserable every day, even with excess sweat and shivering after all that time had passed. Not long after that, I had discovered Kratom and life suddenly became liveable again. Even now with my methadone, I am not really that worried about what hell it will be to come off of, simply because I honestly don't think I ever WILL come off of it. At least not with my current and so far only way of thinking. If I'm truly honest with myself, I don't think I have it in me to quit. If I did, I don't want to. They truly are a part of me now, and as much god awful torment they have put me through...well, I just can't seem to stay mad at them. Part of this may be that it has cured my IBS (as long as I take my doses of course), my chronically stuffy nose, and to a great extent - even some of my depression. This is all in conjunction with its promary intended effect of finally freeing me from street opiates.
I haven't used H or pills in a year, and no longer have any real cravings for it that methadone can't fix.
Long post - thanks for reading
EDIT - I meant to say that Tramadol causes a LOWER seizure threshold, of course.
Thanks for all your input
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