Shinji Ikari
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 31, 2021
- Messages
- 123
First let me apologise for the short paragraphs and probably shakey spelling and grammar. For reasons that will become apparent I have composed the entirety of this report on my phone (with autocorrect turned off, I don't have an explanation for that, I must just be a glutton for punishment). Furthermore, this account is based on scattered recollections of an overwhelmingly intense experience which I am piecing together as best I can.
Set: I am in high spirits, I have had a pleasent day and have been looking forward to this trip which I decided on a couple of days prior. I am in the process of trying to find somewhere to live and have college starting up again soon. Both the source of some anxiety but nothing that I expect to intrude on the trip. It has been around a month since my last full trip (20mg 4-ACO-DMT) and just shy of two weeks since my last low dose of 2C-B. No tolerance at play. I recieved my second Pfizer jab the day prior but feel well.
Setting: The spare room of my mother's house where I am staying over the summer. Not the ideal setting but I have my own room at least and don't expect to be bothered. In hindsight not having full control of the setting resulted in a number of issues, which will be explained in due course.
Dosage:
+00:00 30mg 2C-B HCL (oral)
+01:00 15mg 2C-B HCL (oral)
+02:00 1g Cannabis (vaped throughout)
+05:00 150mg Ketamine (nasal)
For the purposes of this report I will be skimming over the 2C-B part of the evening as it was for the most part, unremarkable, in that it was fundamentally no different from any other 2C-B trip I've had and not among the most interesting of them. The ketamine experience however was novel, humbling and at times terrifying, and as such warrants further discussion.
At midnight I dose 30mg of 2C-B HCL orally with water followed by an additional 15 mg about an hour later. I make a point of staggering my dose like this when consuming orally. it somewhat intensifies the peak while extending the trip by a couple of hours.
The come-up was very slow, I wasn't feeling the peak until a solid two hours after the first dose, perhaps slightly longer. I'd eaten a light meal around 4 hours prior to dosing so had an empty stomach. 2C-B has a notoriously slow come-up and two hours is only on the long end of average for an oral dose.
I began vaping cannabis at around the two hour mark hoping to intensify the visuals which I'm finding somewhat disappointing for the dose. My last trip was a slightly lower dose with the same batch and i remember experiencing more intense visuals from the beginning of the peak, I think the differences are mostly down to the setting. The importance of setting will be a recurring theme throughout this report.
Feeling as though I'm past the come up and settling into the peak I decide to move from the living room to my bedroom upstairs where there is less risk of my being disturbed. This is a bit after 2am.
I entertain myself in my room for the next hour. I alternate between watching anime on my laptop, vaping out the window, and lying back with headphones on listening to music and admiring the art hanging off the wall. The wall art specifically is a framed pencil drawing depicting leaves and wheat. Lots of lovely line detail. To me though it looked like kelp and reads swaying beneath water. I often find that 2C-B lends reality something of a liquidy overlay, and objects within drawings and paintings often warp sway and wiggle freely.
At this point I decide I'm hungry. I haven't eaten for about 7 hours so this makes sense. 2C-B does a fair bit to suppress my appetite but it doesn't make me unable to eat. The cannabis also does a fair bit to bring my appetite back. I make a short excursion to the kitchen and return with granola and peanut butter. I notice a slug on the kitchen floor and consider removing it but decide to leave it be. Its gross and I'm about to eat. Food tastes amazing on 2C-B but i find it hard to eat quickly, it takes me about half an hour to finish the bowl.
I pass time in much the same way until around 5am. The peak has subsided and while i am still very high owing to the quite high staggered dose and copius amounts of cannabis, I feel as though I am on the comedown, in another hour or so I'll be approaching baseline.
It was at this point that I decided some ketamine would be a good idea. I decide that this isn't the time for little bumps, I want to hole before the visuals from the 2C-B completely fade.
At this point the recreational part of the evening will be coming to an end, though you, dear reader, may see the funny side of what's to come.
I weigh out 200mg of reasonably potent (allegedly S-isomer, more likely racemic) ketamine and divide it into 4 lines. 150mg is usually enough for me to hole so the 4th line is mainly there as insurance. I insufficate the first and second lines approximately 10 minutes apart. Essentially, once I was sure I that was feeling the full effects of the first line I snorted the second.
The second line had me very nearly where I to wanted to be, just shy of the numb and serene dissociation I have achieved with earlier holes. Closing my eyes I could almost feel myself drifting away, almost but not quite (in hindsight this should have warned me, and it should have occured anyway that the drugs would potentiate each other). The third 50mg line, potentiated by the cannabis and 2C-B took me further than I wanted to go.
As best i can remember, the ensuing experience unfolded in three distinct phases; being sucked into the void, the experience in the void, and finally a violent ejection from the void.
I usually have headphones on when I khole. Normally, as I enter a hole I have the sensation that I'm gently drifting into it, being carried away by the music. It's great, as if I literally become one with the music. This describes my previous three experiences with ketamine.
This time (the fifth, I believe, and the first was just a wobble) was different though. Rather than peacefully drifting into the hole I was being violently sucked into a spiraling vortex, I was completely powerless to resist its pull and unable to influence the experience. The music took on a different role. Instead of merging with me I felt the sensation that it was somehow controlling my breathing. As this was slow piano music I felt as though i wouldn't be able to breath fast enough. Every time the music paused I felt like I had stopped breathing. I knew at the time that this was irrational, I told myself that my body knew how to breathe for me and that I didn't need to worry about it, but for some reason I was unable to completely convince myself. This caused some initial panic (which I again attempted to rationalize away). This was however nothing compared to what was coming for me.
I found myself wishing the experience would end while accepting that I had bought the ticket and would have to take the ride. I was resigned to my fate, aware that the trip would definitely end, but also aware that time is very subjective in the hole and that whatever was coming next might last a very long time. My best chance would be to surrender control and try to go with the flow. I was powerless to resist and attempting to do so would only make things worse, like struggling in quicksand.
After some time I arrived at the bottom of the void. I was presented with a visual representation of my own psyche. Not just an image, the core of my mind is literally right in front of me. It presented itself as a benign crystaline figure. I'm not told what it is, I just instinctively know. Besides, human language has more or less ceased to exist by this point.
The scene changes suddenly as if one frame was being swapped out for the next. I am now witnessing the figure being pierced with an icepick, my sense of self, my reality was to be shattered before my eyes and I was left suspended in that moment for what felt like forever, like a stuck record skipping over the same moment over and over. Yet, I never actually saw it shatter, I was simply suspended in that moment like a living photograph. I spend a great deal of time in this state. I was not able to form a monologue and narrate the experience as it unfolded, but in the absense of language was completely aware off what was happening and aware that I would be lucky to emerge from this with my mind intact. I was being taught a lesson for my arrogance and that lesson may well cost me my sanity. The sensation of my mind splitting continues until my physical senses begin to return to me. Whatever it was had chosen not to destroy my mind, but it wanted me know that it was capable of doing so at any time.
The transition between the void and material reality will not be gentle. Just as I was sucked into this void through a swirling vortex, I was to be violently ejected.
I can only describe what happened next as a moment of complete sensory overload, as if every nerve in my body was activated at once and they were SCREAMING. Everything tensed up as if I was being wrung out like a flannel. It wouldn't be quite right to call this pain though it definitely was not pleasant, it was completely overwhelming. The most interesting thing about this sensation is that I knew it was coming before it happened. I knew what was about to happen to me, I knew it would be overwhelming, agonizing (but not painful), that the sensory input would be too much for my brain to process, and i knew I was powerless to stop it. I imagine it being somewhat akin to how someone with epilepsy might be able to feel a seizure coming on. Of course, this was not a seizure, whatever it was I was fully alert and felt everything.
I believe it was at this moment that I vomited, all over myself, my bed, and most of all my laptop (insurance claim pending).
I lay there for about ten minutes contemplating what had happened. I am definitely covered in vomit, I thought to myself, as I lay paralysed in the pitch black room reflecting on my life choices. Eventually my faculties returned enough that i was able to reach over to the lamp and assess the damage. I just had to eat that peanut butter granola, didn't I.
I'm tripping complete balls at this point by the way, I am considerably more altered (and disoriented) than I was on the peak of the 50mg 2C-B I had consumed 5-6 hour prior. I now try to figure out how I'm going to clean up this mess while trying to regain/retain my grip on reality.
In an ideal world right about now I would have liked to have a sit down, maybe a cup of tea, and try to figure out what all that meant. Or failing that I would sleep on it and begin composing my thoughts the next day. Alas, I have more pressing concerns. I have a room covered in sick, have just learned to walk again, am virtually blind from the holographic false reality overlaying my vision, and need to figure out how to clean up this mess without waking my parents who are asleep down the hall with their door conveniently wide open.
As if matters were not already complicated enough, I open my bedroom door and realise that I have completely forgotten how to navigate this house that I have regularly visited for the better part of a decade. There are three doors in the hall and I have no idea where any of them lead (or rather, I know where they lead but have no idea which is which). As I step out in to the hall I realise that if i take another step forward I might not be able to find my way back to my room. There is also a one in three chance that the door I choose will have sleeping relatives on the other side of it. My vision is fucked so there's no way I'll know what's on the other side of a door until I walk through it. I am very careful to make sure my bedroom door does not close behind me.
What a conundrum. I decide to return to my room and wait until I'm less high. The simple act of turning around and returning to my room is an ordeal, despite being only one step outside the door. My room is familiar but everything beyond its boundary is completely alien to me. I feel like stepping out of my room is akin to entering a hall of mirrors, or perhaps entering the mirror itself. I am completely disorientated. I step back into the safety of my room and collect myself. I look in the mirror, presumably at myself but I look clinical, somehow alien. I stand on the spot facing away from the mirror patiently waiting for my vision to normalise. I don't have a clock but feel as if the ketamine should be running its course soon (realistically it had been about 40 minutes since taking the ketamine, subjectively however several hours may have passed). I take a photo of my ruined bed and laptop as a lesson to myself for the morning.
This is when the nausea hits me like a mallet. I'm going to be sick now and I only have a 33% of finding a bathroom and an equally valid chance of finding a beloved family member instead, I supose puking in the office would be somewhere between success and failure. I hesitate, gag, cover my mouth with my hand, and vomit what is left of my stomach into my mouth (fortunately most of it is already resting on my laptop). The nausea immediately passes, and I now have a mouth full of sick, and am still very very high. Inch by inch, I work my way through the (2 metre, tops) hall being deadly careful to avoid the stairs and any open doors. I can tell which door is which when it's right in front of my face, I just have to get close enough to it first.
Somehow, after what felt like forever I find my way to the bathroom, I reach for the light cord from outside and fumble for what feels like an eternity before finding it. Finally, I am able to empty my mouth and clean myself up. I wait in the bathroom for 20 minutes or so while my vision normalises.
By the time I leave the bathroom I am feeling much more sober and am able to go downstairs and get binbags and kitchen towel to clean up the mess in my room. I make a half hearted attempt at cleaning the chunder off my laptop before wrapping it in a binbag. I strip the sheets and place them in a binbag, and finally, I collapse, exhausted.
That was my Sunday night. How was yours?
I wake up the next day, exhausted, but otherwise well. In hindsight I think the vaccine left me feeling more run down than I gave it credit for, but I don't think this influenced the trip in any major way. The difficulties i experienced were partially the result of poor planning and partially the result of my own arrogance regarding dosing and the mixing of substances.
I honestly don't completely understand what I witnessed while in the void. This is just the best I've been able to piece together after the fact. What I am fairly sure of is that whether it was my own mind or some entity which resides in the void or the void itself, something was trying to teach me a lesson. I was being told that I had entered a space that I was not yet ready for. That is why what I saw terrified me and that is why I was so violently ejected. Someday I will try to recreate this experience, hopefully then I will be ready for whatever is waiting for me on the other side of the void.
The void is vast, just because you've been there before don't assume you know what'll be waiting next time you visit. Lessons were learned and I regret nothing. Well, I wish I hadn't ruined my laptop I guess.
This took fucking hours to write, I hope you enjoy
Edits: countless corrections and clarifications.
Final edit: Pleased to report that the insurance company replaced and upgraded the laptop, free of charge. Thanks, universe!
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_2cb
substancecode_phenethylamines
substancecode_marijuana
substancecode_cannabis
substancecode_ketamine
substancecode_dissociatives
_combo_
explevel_experienced
exptype_positive
exptype_difficult
roacode_oral
roacode_nasal
roacode_smoked
roacode_inhaled
Set: I am in high spirits, I have had a pleasent day and have been looking forward to this trip which I decided on a couple of days prior. I am in the process of trying to find somewhere to live and have college starting up again soon. Both the source of some anxiety but nothing that I expect to intrude on the trip. It has been around a month since my last full trip (20mg 4-ACO-DMT) and just shy of two weeks since my last low dose of 2C-B. No tolerance at play. I recieved my second Pfizer jab the day prior but feel well.
Setting: The spare room of my mother's house where I am staying over the summer. Not the ideal setting but I have my own room at least and don't expect to be bothered. In hindsight not having full control of the setting resulted in a number of issues, which will be explained in due course.
Dosage:
+00:00 30mg 2C-B HCL (oral)
+01:00 15mg 2C-B HCL (oral)
+02:00 1g Cannabis (vaped throughout)
+05:00 150mg Ketamine (nasal)
For the purposes of this report I will be skimming over the 2C-B part of the evening as it was for the most part, unremarkable, in that it was fundamentally no different from any other 2C-B trip I've had and not among the most interesting of them. The ketamine experience however was novel, humbling and at times terrifying, and as such warrants further discussion.
At midnight I dose 30mg of 2C-B HCL orally with water followed by an additional 15 mg about an hour later. I make a point of staggering my dose like this when consuming orally. it somewhat intensifies the peak while extending the trip by a couple of hours.
The come-up was very slow, I wasn't feeling the peak until a solid two hours after the first dose, perhaps slightly longer. I'd eaten a light meal around 4 hours prior to dosing so had an empty stomach. 2C-B has a notoriously slow come-up and two hours is only on the long end of average for an oral dose.
I began vaping cannabis at around the two hour mark hoping to intensify the visuals which I'm finding somewhat disappointing for the dose. My last trip was a slightly lower dose with the same batch and i remember experiencing more intense visuals from the beginning of the peak, I think the differences are mostly down to the setting. The importance of setting will be a recurring theme throughout this report.
Feeling as though I'm past the come up and settling into the peak I decide to move from the living room to my bedroom upstairs where there is less risk of my being disturbed. This is a bit after 2am.
I entertain myself in my room for the next hour. I alternate between watching anime on my laptop, vaping out the window, and lying back with headphones on listening to music and admiring the art hanging off the wall. The wall art specifically is a framed pencil drawing depicting leaves and wheat. Lots of lovely line detail. To me though it looked like kelp and reads swaying beneath water. I often find that 2C-B lends reality something of a liquidy overlay, and objects within drawings and paintings often warp sway and wiggle freely.
At this point I decide I'm hungry. I haven't eaten for about 7 hours so this makes sense. 2C-B does a fair bit to suppress my appetite but it doesn't make me unable to eat. The cannabis also does a fair bit to bring my appetite back. I make a short excursion to the kitchen and return with granola and peanut butter. I notice a slug on the kitchen floor and consider removing it but decide to leave it be. Its gross and I'm about to eat. Food tastes amazing on 2C-B but i find it hard to eat quickly, it takes me about half an hour to finish the bowl.
I pass time in much the same way until around 5am. The peak has subsided and while i am still very high owing to the quite high staggered dose and copius amounts of cannabis, I feel as though I am on the comedown, in another hour or so I'll be approaching baseline.
It was at this point that I decided some ketamine would be a good idea. I decide that this isn't the time for little bumps, I want to hole before the visuals from the 2C-B completely fade.
At this point the recreational part of the evening will be coming to an end, though you, dear reader, may see the funny side of what's to come.
I weigh out 200mg of reasonably potent (allegedly S-isomer, more likely racemic) ketamine and divide it into 4 lines. 150mg is usually enough for me to hole so the 4th line is mainly there as insurance. I insufficate the first and second lines approximately 10 minutes apart. Essentially, once I was sure I that was feeling the full effects of the first line I snorted the second.
The second line had me very nearly where I to wanted to be, just shy of the numb and serene dissociation I have achieved with earlier holes. Closing my eyes I could almost feel myself drifting away, almost but not quite (in hindsight this should have warned me, and it should have occured anyway that the drugs would potentiate each other). The third 50mg line, potentiated by the cannabis and 2C-B took me further than I wanted to go.
As best i can remember, the ensuing experience unfolded in three distinct phases; being sucked into the void, the experience in the void, and finally a violent ejection from the void.
I usually have headphones on when I khole. Normally, as I enter a hole I have the sensation that I'm gently drifting into it, being carried away by the music. It's great, as if I literally become one with the music. This describes my previous three experiences with ketamine.
This time (the fifth, I believe, and the first was just a wobble) was different though. Rather than peacefully drifting into the hole I was being violently sucked into a spiraling vortex, I was completely powerless to resist its pull and unable to influence the experience. The music took on a different role. Instead of merging with me I felt the sensation that it was somehow controlling my breathing. As this was slow piano music I felt as though i wouldn't be able to breath fast enough. Every time the music paused I felt like I had stopped breathing. I knew at the time that this was irrational, I told myself that my body knew how to breathe for me and that I didn't need to worry about it, but for some reason I was unable to completely convince myself. This caused some initial panic (which I again attempted to rationalize away). This was however nothing compared to what was coming for me.
I found myself wishing the experience would end while accepting that I had bought the ticket and would have to take the ride. I was resigned to my fate, aware that the trip would definitely end, but also aware that time is very subjective in the hole and that whatever was coming next might last a very long time. My best chance would be to surrender control and try to go with the flow. I was powerless to resist and attempting to do so would only make things worse, like struggling in quicksand.
After some time I arrived at the bottom of the void. I was presented with a visual representation of my own psyche. Not just an image, the core of my mind is literally right in front of me. It presented itself as a benign crystaline figure. I'm not told what it is, I just instinctively know. Besides, human language has more or less ceased to exist by this point.
The scene changes suddenly as if one frame was being swapped out for the next. I am now witnessing the figure being pierced with an icepick, my sense of self, my reality was to be shattered before my eyes and I was left suspended in that moment for what felt like forever, like a stuck record skipping over the same moment over and over. Yet, I never actually saw it shatter, I was simply suspended in that moment like a living photograph. I spend a great deal of time in this state. I was not able to form a monologue and narrate the experience as it unfolded, but in the absense of language was completely aware off what was happening and aware that I would be lucky to emerge from this with my mind intact. I was being taught a lesson for my arrogance and that lesson may well cost me my sanity. The sensation of my mind splitting continues until my physical senses begin to return to me. Whatever it was had chosen not to destroy my mind, but it wanted me know that it was capable of doing so at any time.
The transition between the void and material reality will not be gentle. Just as I was sucked into this void through a swirling vortex, I was to be violently ejected.
I can only describe what happened next as a moment of complete sensory overload, as if every nerve in my body was activated at once and they were SCREAMING. Everything tensed up as if I was being wrung out like a flannel. It wouldn't be quite right to call this pain though it definitely was not pleasant, it was completely overwhelming. The most interesting thing about this sensation is that I knew it was coming before it happened. I knew what was about to happen to me, I knew it would be overwhelming, agonizing (but not painful), that the sensory input would be too much for my brain to process, and i knew I was powerless to stop it. I imagine it being somewhat akin to how someone with epilepsy might be able to feel a seizure coming on. Of course, this was not a seizure, whatever it was I was fully alert and felt everything.
I believe it was at this moment that I vomited, all over myself, my bed, and most of all my laptop (insurance claim pending).
I lay there for about ten minutes contemplating what had happened. I am definitely covered in vomit, I thought to myself, as I lay paralysed in the pitch black room reflecting on my life choices. Eventually my faculties returned enough that i was able to reach over to the lamp and assess the damage. I just had to eat that peanut butter granola, didn't I.
I'm tripping complete balls at this point by the way, I am considerably more altered (and disoriented) than I was on the peak of the 50mg 2C-B I had consumed 5-6 hour prior. I now try to figure out how I'm going to clean up this mess while trying to regain/retain my grip on reality.
In an ideal world right about now I would have liked to have a sit down, maybe a cup of tea, and try to figure out what all that meant. Or failing that I would sleep on it and begin composing my thoughts the next day. Alas, I have more pressing concerns. I have a room covered in sick, have just learned to walk again, am virtually blind from the holographic false reality overlaying my vision, and need to figure out how to clean up this mess without waking my parents who are asleep down the hall with their door conveniently wide open.
As if matters were not already complicated enough, I open my bedroom door and realise that I have completely forgotten how to navigate this house that I have regularly visited for the better part of a decade. There are three doors in the hall and I have no idea where any of them lead (or rather, I know where they lead but have no idea which is which). As I step out in to the hall I realise that if i take another step forward I might not be able to find my way back to my room. There is also a one in three chance that the door I choose will have sleeping relatives on the other side of it. My vision is fucked so there's no way I'll know what's on the other side of a door until I walk through it. I am very careful to make sure my bedroom door does not close behind me.
What a conundrum. I decide to return to my room and wait until I'm less high. The simple act of turning around and returning to my room is an ordeal, despite being only one step outside the door. My room is familiar but everything beyond its boundary is completely alien to me. I feel like stepping out of my room is akin to entering a hall of mirrors, or perhaps entering the mirror itself. I am completely disorientated. I step back into the safety of my room and collect myself. I look in the mirror, presumably at myself but I look clinical, somehow alien. I stand on the spot facing away from the mirror patiently waiting for my vision to normalise. I don't have a clock but feel as if the ketamine should be running its course soon (realistically it had been about 40 minutes since taking the ketamine, subjectively however several hours may have passed). I take a photo of my ruined bed and laptop as a lesson to myself for the morning.
This is when the nausea hits me like a mallet. I'm going to be sick now and I only have a 33% of finding a bathroom and an equally valid chance of finding a beloved family member instead, I supose puking in the office would be somewhere between success and failure. I hesitate, gag, cover my mouth with my hand, and vomit what is left of my stomach into my mouth (fortunately most of it is already resting on my laptop). The nausea immediately passes, and I now have a mouth full of sick, and am still very very high. Inch by inch, I work my way through the (2 metre, tops) hall being deadly careful to avoid the stairs and any open doors. I can tell which door is which when it's right in front of my face, I just have to get close enough to it first.
Somehow, after what felt like forever I find my way to the bathroom, I reach for the light cord from outside and fumble for what feels like an eternity before finding it. Finally, I am able to empty my mouth and clean myself up. I wait in the bathroom for 20 minutes or so while my vision normalises.
By the time I leave the bathroom I am feeling much more sober and am able to go downstairs and get binbags and kitchen towel to clean up the mess in my room. I make a half hearted attempt at cleaning the chunder off my laptop before wrapping it in a binbag. I strip the sheets and place them in a binbag, and finally, I collapse, exhausted.
That was my Sunday night. How was yours?
I wake up the next day, exhausted, but otherwise well. In hindsight I think the vaccine left me feeling more run down than I gave it credit for, but I don't think this influenced the trip in any major way. The difficulties i experienced were partially the result of poor planning and partially the result of my own arrogance regarding dosing and the mixing of substances.
I honestly don't completely understand what I witnessed while in the void. This is just the best I've been able to piece together after the fact. What I am fairly sure of is that whether it was my own mind or some entity which resides in the void or the void itself, something was trying to teach me a lesson. I was being told that I had entered a space that I was not yet ready for. That is why what I saw terrified me and that is why I was so violently ejected. Someday I will try to recreate this experience, hopefully then I will be ready for whatever is waiting for me on the other side of the void.
The void is vast, just because you've been there before don't assume you know what'll be waiting next time you visit. Lessons were learned and I regret nothing. Well, I wish I hadn't ruined my laptop I guess.
This took fucking hours to write, I hope you enjoy
Edits: countless corrections and clarifications.
Final edit: Pleased to report that the insurance company replaced and upgraded the laptop, free of charge. Thanks, universe!
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_2cb
substancecode_phenethylamines
substancecode_marijuana
substancecode_cannabis
substancecode_ketamine
substancecode_dissociatives
_combo_
explevel_experienced
exptype_positive
exptype_difficult
roacode_oral
roacode_nasal
roacode_smoked
roacode_inhaled
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