[12] "Diary of an Addict: Eyes Wide Open" by Anonymous

Catch-22

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Tomorrow will be my new Day One. I made it to Six. Then I caved.

I wouldn't have, except that a friend mentioned to me that she "wanted".

Later she apologized for saying anything, because she knew how hard I was trying. I told her that she wasn't responsible for me, and that I couldn't exactly ask everyone I know to refrain from doing just because I wanted to stop. Yes it would be easier if they all stopped with me. But that's just not how it is. And it wouldn't be fair of me to demand that of them. I live my life; they live theirs. It is MY responsibility; not theirs.

And I am still trying. I am doing the best that I can.

Lately, I have been humbled. I have under-estimated a powerful force and it has done me no favors. I am learning to respect that force; fear it; hate it.

********************

I spent today with mixed emotions. Initially, I was so ashamed of myself. I was so strong...and now I'm back to square one.

On the other hand, I had an incredibly powerful conversation with a good friend of mine last night, a conversation that probably would not have been had unless we were using.

So many times, we see drug use in complete black-and-white terms, and it just is not so. We see it as all-good; we are invincible; we have enough willpower to fight addiction; we use for recreational and spiritual purposes; we have nothing to justify and no regrets. Or we see it as all-bad; we condemn the drug for our personal failings; we blame it for destroying lives with so much potential; we fear it while ridding ourselves of personal responsibility.

Neither is correct. A drug is neither good nor bad in and of itself. And use of a drug is neither good nor bad in and of itself. For every high, we must experience a low. If we condemn it based on the low, we miss out on the high. And what exactly is a "high"? Is it just a rush of dopamine to the brain, inducing an artificial sense of well-being that provides only momentary pleasure on a superficial level? Sometimes...perhaps. But have we not all experienced so much more? Have we not reached new heights of awareness, gained new insights, and bonded on a deeper level with our fellow human beings?

That is what I experienced last night. Yes, I gave in. But I had a conversation with a friend that stretched well into the wee hours of the morning, in which we bared our hearts and souls, shared our deepest secrets, and reached a semblance of peace. She told me about her abusive father and how she tortures herself daily because she cannot save her dear mother from him. I listened and then I read her my poetry. She cried and I hugged her.

Sometimes it IS only superficial. But sometimes, you connect with another human soul in a way that is only possible with chemical assistance. If we are being truly honest with ourselves, we will have to admit that we can neither love nor hate our drugs. We can only ever have eternally Mixed Feelings.

Because you can live your entire life without ever truly feeling deep emotion. You can live without ever baring your soul to another individual. You can live without reaching an entirely new level of spiritual awareness. You can live without ever truly knowing yourself...or anyone else.

You can live without ever experiencing drug-induced paranoia, anxiety, depression, withdrawal. You can wake up every day at 7 a.m. and drink your coffee and read your newspaper and spend your day doing Very-Productive-Things. And you may succeed. But isn't there MORE to life? Are there not deeper emotions to be experienced; higher highs and lower lows; ecstatic pleasures and bittersweet agonies? What is life without true depth of feeling?

Can you ever truly live if you never experience death?

Can you ever truly appreciate happiness without depression?

Can you ever truly understand hope without despair?

********************

Do I have regret? No.

Do I experience a discontinuity between the goals I set for myself and the behaviors in which I engage? Yes.

Do I kick myself? Daily.

But I understand. No reward is free, and every revelation has its price. The cost is steep, and because of that, many condemn it without ever indulging. Others experience, and then balk in feigned astonishment when they receive their psychological bill. "I didn't sign up for this!" they say. "I didn't know what I was getting myself into!" they cry. "I am a victim!" they whine. Very few actually open their eyes and say, "I accept this cost, and I will pay my bill. I am receiving something precious in exchange and nothing in life comes for free."

********************

As for myself? I remain in the gray area of Mixed Feelings. But my eyes are wide open. I register no complaints and I accept all costs.

What will happen to me?

That remains to be seen. But one thing I can tell you for sure...

It is entirely up to me.

And I will continue to pay my monthly bill.
 

Catch-22

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Reminder: I am posting this essay on behalf of someone else. These comments are not an official policy statement. Whether you want to agree or disagree, please put your thoughts in this thread. Do not send me PM's or emails unless you are contributing a new essay of your own. Thanks!
 

Hessel R.K.

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Wow, this is some Coleridge Shit here. Well written. Bluelight is a fairly amazing place on the net, and thanks to whoever shared this.
 

moonspell

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Amazing, reminds me of "Go Ask Alice" another diary of an addict
 

mashmetaller

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Really enjoyed reading that. It sounds like the introduction to a very intersting read. I urge whoever whore it to write more!
 

ChemicalBeauty

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^ Classic typo
 

t3knology

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Wow, this was such a wondefully written article. Sad, but good in one way.
 

Chubba75

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Definetely the best thing to have come out of these Harm-Reduction articles :)

I can relate to just about everything you said, good job :D
 

TheLizardKing

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Just a thought for who wrote this and people with similar philosophies

This person's beliefs are going to make then continue using. This person seems to be praising whatever drug they are trying to kick because they assert that with and ONLY WITH the drug they can reach: levels of heightened awareness, bonding and soul connecting, experiencing deep emotion and achieving a new level of spiritual awareness.

But sometimes, you connect with another human soul in a way that is only possible with chemical assistance.
I think he is shooting himself in the foot with this kind of thinking. People can and do have transcendental experiences with other people without the assistance of drugs. For this person to have the mindset that it is ONLY POSSIBLE with the aid of their drug will keep them coming back as they will use this assertion as an excuse.

You can wake up every day at 7 a.m. and drink your coffee and read your newspaper and spend your day doing Very-Productive-Things. And you may succeed. But isn't there MORE to life? Are there not deeper emotions to be experienced; higher highs and lower lows; ecstatic pleasures and bittersweet agonies? What is life without true depth of feeling?
Again I feel this person is clearly needs some kind of counseling. I praise this person for wanting to stop an addiction. However, these assertions their 'mind' has made up are simply not true. I know many people who do not use drugs and have been in profound states of ecstasy, as well as the depths of despair.

Also generalizing as drug do'ers or the 9-5'ers is also playing into their addiction. To think one has to do make a lose-lose choice in their mind is defeating. I know of people who have wanted to experience things beyond imagination, they have taken spiritual paths. There are enlightened people in this world who live in a constant transcendental state that people who touch on certain drugs would be in heaven to be in the same shoes.

So pretty much this person needs some other views than their own. This person needs to understand that you can experience transcendental states without the use of drugs. This person needs to understand their beliefs are going to justify their need to use again and again and again and again.
 

XTC4EVA

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^ The poster above mine is very correct. You do have a slightly bad way of thinking of it. I was planning on posting some info about how that article related to me, but as I started typing, I decided I want to further develope my thoughts. I think I may write an essay.

Basicaly, excellent thread, sounds like this will turn out to be interesting. And before I really give my opinion on this type of thing, I want to think it out and make it good and complete. Thank you for this excellent read! You have inspired me to write something worthwhile! :D
 

Zan-fan

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Wonderful read. Thanks so much for posting this thread. Although, I, like XTC4EVA have taken the time to reevaluate this post before I jump in with my 2 cents. I have also been inspired to take a second look, and maybe even write my own essay. Lizard King, your post is actually what made me stop for a second and rethink my using this thread to justify my own addictions. Thanks to all who have posted on this thread, this is what makes BL such a great site!

Zan-fan
 

cannerman

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if im glad i read one thing from this site its this tread i think it touched on both sides of every users mind pretty much outlined the debate i have with myself an push aside every day in the end however its all philosophy without a simple answer
 

yougene

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"The truth shall set you free."

Although some flaws have been pointed out in the subjects perception of truth overall the person seems to be on the right path. The person is not denying the positive or negative effects of drugs. The person is trying to see both sides of it.

Viewing drugs as the only way to reach new levels of existance is in a way justifying the addiction. There are ways to go about this without the use of any external substance.

Ultimately I think the best way to cure addictions is to get out of your usual environment. Addiction causes habits to be formed. Habits are things you do without thought and have little immediate control over. Everytime a habit is performed it gets reinforced. If a cluster of neurons is used over and over each time the cluster is more ready to fire then before. By getting out of the usual environment you remove yourself from stimuli that may trigger habits. With enough time the neural network of the habit is less ready to fire and potentially even gets replaced or disappears. The key is to focus on "metaprogramming" your mind and replacing your old habits with new ones. Such as meditation, working out, and doing something that interests you. It is also a good idea to try and instill habits within yourself that will keep you away from whatever habit you are trying to get rid of.


In my opinion the ultimate goal to be reached with metaprogramming is the ability to have control over your habits or even destroy them. I think a good way to start is to metaprogram habits that will bring about greater control of metaprogramming itself. Such habits would be meditation, exercise(fine tuning the interface between your body and your mind, athletes often say it's 10% physical 90% mental, and with good reason), and thought.
 

Rtiztic

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I read this post and think this:
This person was being TRUTHFUL and in my mind is the reason for the authors Anonymity because sometimes people are ashamed to be thurthful or are afraid of the attention the truthfullness that they share might bring.
The lizardking had an oppinion: that this person's mind had already been made up, and that he/she needed views other than thier own...
here's what i say to that:
This person may have never soulfully bonded with another person before excepet under the influence of drugs. yes maybe some other people elsewhere in the world can and have done this without the use of chemical help. but I respect the authors statement that he/she believes that they will not be able to bond on that sort of level with a person unless they have chemical help because I feel that they where stating a fact rather than a belief.

the author wrote this:
"But sometimes, you connect with another human soul in a way that is only possible with chemical assistance"

now it is my belief that when people use the word BUT that they are trying to excuse themselves from thier statement...

so If it where re-worded without this gramatical exclusion the statement would be this:

I connect with another human soul in a way that is only possible with chemical assistance

so the author is trying to say in my oppinion that this is what they know based on thier first hand experiences. this person realizes thier underlying purpose for the cause of thier drug use: to chemically help them connect with human souls in a way that is not possible without chemical assistance based on thier knowledge. I hope this person can find happiness, in this case they find happiness through connecting with other people on an emotionally honest intimate level with people. This person needs to learn to do that without the need for that chemical assistance, then thier would be no need for meth. however they may not find a way to do this. So in closing I will say this:
Meth is not a demon, it's not something that will make you smarter. meth is not a problem or an answer. Meth is Meth a chemical that when taken reacts with the body in ways that the user may feel is negative/positive or in most cases both at different given times along it's use.
The law of the universe is this:
for every action thier is an equal and opposite reaction...
that is universal law, it applies to economics, chemisrty, electicity and everything else in the universe including humans.
so ask yourself this are your actions worth the reactions because you can never have one without the other or the universe would be imbalanced...
 

MaliceNwunderland

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moonspell said:
Amazing, reminds me of "Go Ask Alice" another diary of an addict
I'm also starting to wonder if these harm reduction essays were written by Beatrice Sparks. Either way I'm scared straight. I'll never touch drugs! Oh wait a minute, too late.
 

MynameisnotDeja

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TheLizardKing-GREAT post! I agree with just about everything you wrote. Welcome to Bluelight! :)

That said, I did enjoy reading the origional post.
Quite interesting.
 

diegoblunt

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yeah, good read, but felt more like a good journal entry or dark side post to me .. I can't really see the 'harm reduction' benefit in this essay (besides the underlying tones that the user is trying to quit) .. most of the inferences and realisations seem more like justifications and reasoning than deliberate decisions that have a harm reduction direction. I really like some of the points about personal responsibility as that is a crux issue o the harm reduction topic, but at times the essay seems to lose its way and fail to deal with the issue at hand.

Believing that drugs are the only avenue for achieving increased states of awareness is a dangerous idea. Well, not really dangerous, but in some cases could lead to addiction ... imho, the harm reduction approach would be to realise that while drugs can lead to increased states of awareness and bonding, it is not the only method.
 

edarrin

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Sometimes it IS only superficial. But sometimes, you connect with another human soul in a way that is only possible with chemical assistance. If we are being truly honest with ourselves, we will have to admit that we can neither love nor hate our drugs. We can only ever have eternally Mixed Fee

I believe the only way to stop the repetative cycle of use/remorse is to be able to reach this connection without chemical assistance. Sometimes those repressed emotions are extremely painful.

Just the revelation of what it is exactly that is being repressed can start a cartharsis (sp?) that can be the beginning of a healing journey.

I have been using chemicals long enough to know (I'm 46) that is not the answer-at least for me.
 
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