[07] Are You Hardcore? by Anonymous

soundphaRm

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 11, 2004
Messages
2,416
Location
From: Trinidad, Humboldt Co., CA
runaway said:
...don't do psychedelics expecting them to take you to uncharted dimensions. technology will allow new modes of sensation and dimension, but we aren't there yet. its not too far off. but massive doses of psychedelics will possibly fuck with your emotions and psychology. being hardcore with these drugs achieves nothing, no hidden treasures buried in unknown dimensions
As most westerners do, you are neglecting to give innerspace its due.
For within our minds are universes/dimensions as yet uncharted.
Sit back, and in a meditative state of mind, think/remember that from this point (where your body meets external reality) outward exists 'outerspace', things outside of you...planes/dimensions/galaxies...but, if you can imagine the physical/energy of the hologram (if you don't know a lot about holograms- Google it and get ready to read some very interesting things)...from that point, where external reality meets you, there is also innerspace (many theological references to this, like, "as above, so below", many more that I can't remember right now). So, inside, on a more "micro" scale, exist entire universes/dimensions just waiting to be explored...(I'd write more but my brain is fried from a double ER shift, with just a breath of "second wind", so I can't sleep)...don't dismiss psychedelics so lightly...they can be extremely powerful tools to explore innerspace (outer space too, but that's mostly recreational)...ourselves, what makes us "us"...we...One.

It's too bad that current legislation takes these very powerful tools out of the hands of even the best and brightest (physicians have many powerful tools to explore and diagnose physical conditions, for example...it would be interesting if brilliant, progressive psychiatrists had the same tools...i.e. psychedelics, or something like that, with which to strip away all conditioned responses, etc., to get to a primal essence of sorts, but "The Man" says no...how hypocritical of him (The Man)! I don't really do psychedelics anymore (I probably "tripped" more than I should have- but I don't think so), but how they changed my life for the better was profound...I realized that these were powerful tools to explore these innerspaces...and the spaces between my ever more "hardcore" trips became longer and longer, now I feel as if I don't need them anymore...I have learned how to navigate innerspace w/o them. Think of it (psychedelics) as a door ("The doors of perception..."), people see this door, and are like, Wow! There's a big/little ornate, beautiful door...the most beautiful door in all existence...it's like they are just awestruck..."Look at that magnificent door it's fantastic!! I must return again and again to see this incredible portal!" Some people (through no fault of their own) get stuck at the door (for many different reasons...but, most likely just the thought of the existence of this door, blows them away! Eventually, some will walk away...some will linger (forever it seems) in the doorway...only a brave few (and I think there are many here among us), will realize..."What could possibly be in the room on the other side of this door?!" I must see. I believe one can get to the door from many angles (meditation, etc.), but we as (mostly) materialistic, (mostly) lazy westerners, willingly (I did) take the easier route (why not?)- if it can be found in a tab, a mushroom, whatever....for me though, after walking into the room on the other side, the need for the drug to take me there simply stopped. I knew the route and could go and visit anytime I want. It take a certain amount of (non) energy, but it can be done given the right setting and mood...

I use to be a complete atheist, totally scientific in thought and action...I would say that many life changes (like culture shock, etc...) coupled with a scientific (quickly turning spiritual) exploration of my conciousness, shattered the atheist in me, leading me to the Tao.

I could go on but my thoughts are starting to scatter from too much work.
...umm...as I think I started out saying...just don't be too ready to put psychedelics out of the picture...I think, as far as our western culture is concerned, they have played a huge part in the evolution of our culture. Just look at the '40s and '50s, to where we our now (and when psychedelics started to come into the picture- a revolution in consciousness has occured/is occuring that will take us probably to the brink of civil war, unless enough people start to "get it" at the same time...which is what I think is occuring right now...we're just in the midst of it, so it's hard to see the forest for the trees).
Everything is a part of everything, is a part of you is/are we. When you can love your enemy as you'd love yourself, you'll know you/we're on the right track...Good night/morning, good people. May the Tao flow freely through you.
 

runaway

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 2, 2004
Messages
135
I am not arguing the potential of "innerspace" as you call it. Anyone who has done psychedelics (almost) knows that there are realities capable of being experienced that are beyond sober (or drunken) American culture in the early 21st century. It is the government's attempt to deny me access to these experiences that makes me so critical of there decisions. (ex. Why!?)

But, you label my thought as western and yet the first declaration you make is that there is "innerspace" and "outerspace". This sounds rather dualistic to me. I always thought that one of the most valuable insights I gained from psychedelic use was realizing how easily and quickly "ego", "reality", the "world", whatever the term, could be drastically altered. This connects with death is a very direct way: the impermenance of life! (as we know it)

Each religion and philosophy contain their brand of wisdom though, so I try to be tolerant whether its Islamic, Christian, Tao, or a futuristic, yet to be certified religion. Don't let a long summer decieve you into forgetting about the cold winter! The limited human life span means we are ignorant to changes on longer time scales: 1000, 1000000, years etc.

I will be looking into Eastern history more though, its grabbed my attention lately!
 

soundphaRm

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 11, 2004
Messages
2,416
Location
From: Trinidad, Humboldt Co., CA
The innerspace/outerspace were indeed, an attempt at telling some, who aren't experienced w/ this concept, something to go by...it's kind of hard to explain this to others, where there are really no words to describe it. It is a duality (of sorts), but as you seem to understand...inner(outer)space, are one and the same (a singularity). The Tao is based on a duality (on/off, male/female, positive/negative, etc.), that is indeed a singularity, because w/o one or the other, it becomes out of balance, creating a blockage in the flow.

Inside/ouside, it is all one, we are all one, though...as you probably well know...
 

pilchil

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 10, 2003
Messages
17
Location
Germany
It's a very well written piece of text, and i really enjoyed reading it. and as i was reading i found myself to agree with it. However after some reflection afterwards i guess i'm not sure anymore what to think about it.
The first problem is that the intolerance towards (illegal) drugs in society is not necessarily an effect of the irresponsible behaviour of the users. Maybe it's just the fact alone that it is deviant behaviour, and therefore seen as bad for itself without the need of any further reasons.
But this is just an issue that isn't important i guess. The most important fault in this text is that it assumes that people will act logically and rational. In fact, that is not the point, nor with the 'normal' or the users. I have come to the conclusion that you can't really educate people over the drug use, if they want to take certain amounts of a certain drug in a certain state of their life, they will do it no matter how many experience users tell them to leave it and no matter in what way they tell it. The new user will do it anyways, and then maybe just go the same road many others before him gone.
What you call hardcore users are in my opinion not the people who will try to enlight their spirit once a while and then benefit from it while being sober - this is more the classical psychedelic type user who will most likely keep control over his usage anyways besides that he's dying out compared to upper/downer usage. the hardcore user is in most cases someone who tries to escape reality in a certain way, or change it's perception to the point where it is pleasing to him or at least not uncomfortable anymore. and this is a psychological process that goes beyond rationality and therefore it is virtually futile to tell these people to become more responsible and sensible concerning their usage.
So what you say only applies to real recreational users and not abusers, but the recreational users will not build the image of freaked out junkies as they most likely have control over their usage and their lifes.
 

jrashroom

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 5, 2004
Messages
146
Location
dalllas tx
After reading each post I came to reflect on my-self. I reflected for 10 minutes even though it felt like 3. This Discussion I can honestly say has opened me up a little more in a positive way. I will remember the ideas, lessons, and conclusions for positive use through my trip in life. Also I'm going to copy these post to show to my "hardcore friends".

Thnx :)
 

runaway

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 2, 2004
Messages
135
^^^ pilchil :)
The reality of drug use must be taken into account. They can be addictive, as well as destrutive to relationships with others.
I don't agree that everyone should run out and take acid, but I believe that these drugs are relatively non-addictive. Their use must be researched and they must be used responsibly, but they offer an insight into the mind that I have found nowhere else, and to those stuck in the belief that work, eat, shit, sleep is the norm, psychedelics have a way of screwing with your brain until the impermanence of reality becomes undeniably there :). As far as cocaine and heroin, my personal philosophy does not rule them out, but an effective future enabling these drugs would require guidance and effective anti-addictive drugs, both physical and psychological.
 

2oclockbeanfiend

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 18, 2005
Messages
595
damn dogg
if only the right people read that
well....they'd have to be un-brainwashed as well
but seriously
that shit is real
i feel almost exactly the same way
 

D's

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 26, 2006
Messages
25,083
Location
the 'ville'
i just fuckin ;'(
 

Lustmord

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 14, 2008
Messages
907
Location
California
The other day, I was chillin' with buds. Someone I didn't quite know made fun of me for my low tolerance.

I simply asked if he was jealous of my tolerance, and went back to being blissful.

Needless to say, he took another line as I had a cheeky grin on my face. :p
 

onlywant2nod

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 8, 2006
Messages
172
First off I am obsessed with opiates, my story started out in 1998 or 99, when my tolerance to booze was so sick, that I got a buzz, but shortly after I'd already be throwing up etc due to tolerance. One night I didn't drink that much but had a headache. I had some 5/500 hydrocodone(vicodin) and took two, thinking it would go away. I went with a friend downtown to the bathouse, he got room and I got my own. I had no interest in sex so I locked myself in my room alot of the time. I laying there suddenly could feel the alchohol fighting the good opiate and then the opiate fighting the booze hangover. Suddenly this nice song came on the satellite radio station, I hadn't heard since 1991, dont remember who sang it etc, I just was suddenly calm and serene. Hearing the words "over mountains, over seas, like the smile of a new friend, just think of me and I'll be there". Suddenly it clicked, the lyrics were almost like saying, I "vicodin" am your new friend who will be there and not give you hangover and will comfort you good. Anyone know this song, name and artist lemme know, I'd like to remember good times hearing that song again.

Anyway, that was the merging point, I realized I no longer wanted booze, got home and puked just in time, next day poured the rest of my mad dog down toilet and smashed the bottles in recycling bin. The rest was history, I became obsessed with vicodin and started taking them every 3 or 4 hours. Darn I miss when just 2 would make me feel great. I started getting on these drug support forums after looking up what Opiates are. I found the rop's online pharms, everything came together in 2002. I had a big roadblock though, ran outta vicodin and could not order online because, "how would I explain the two charges on her card". Dumb me, I stopped halfway through registering at one pharmacy.

Turned out for the best, in 2004 I ordered finally and when those 10/500, 120 of em came, I was oooooing and kissing the bottle, I never saw so many pills in such a big bottle back then, after seeing I got the real stuff. I will always remember that lovely June day when I was suffering paws so bad that I didn't want to do anything except to get through day. I instantly took one or two of em and hid the bottle well. Lol in the basement where my Dad used to hide his booze up in the rafters in the basement, like father like son, my dad had passed on to better things in 1996. I thought, wow I'm taking over his vacancy,except I'm an addict now. 20 mins as usual I felt great, went upstairs and it didn't feel like the weight of my body was dragging me down, no more effort to walk upstairs. I suffer manic depression and personality disorder as well and I felt social more and absolutely no depression. In fact just doing a few chores for my Mom that day was no big deal at all.

I dont know if its because I went through such misery starting at 19 years old in 1990 when I developed chronic ulcerative colitis, then remissions and flare ups through the years until 1994(total colectomy with shit bag), so suicidal but hopefull for 1995 when my colon specialist which I was lucky to have, did the "j pouch surgery". I said make me feel good and I felt high as a kite with that lovely vercet before they put you under. I woke up with no bag thank God and doc said all went well, you were lucky. Since I have no colon at all, just my small intestines and the pouch made out of some of small intestine hooked to my rectum internallyof course. I still go like normal but more than anyone during day and I can't tell gas from stool.

I think that may have caused my tolerance to go so high so fast, because I was just taking 3 10/500 norco's as needed. Suddenly I had to take them every 3 hours. I ran out a day before the "family vacation from hell" and suffered wd's all week, made it worse cuz my cool nephew wasn't with us so we could have fun doing silly and mischeif stuff like usual. When I got home, I got my next refill and had a feeling my tolerance was lowered, I was right, just one 10/500 kept me blasted all afternoon. I continued my "antidepressant" all 2004. Long story short, beginning of 2005 my tolerance was so sadly high, I knew I needed a break, after my 1st detox failed, in feb of 05 I "went out with a party blast before rehab" I had 3 rop's going and collected up 240 norco's and was popping 8 of them every 3hours or so, went through 240 in a week and crashed so bad with wd's. I knew suboxone was just now available so I calledmy family doc, who was certified just in time for the bupe program. He took one look at me and said you need to go into detox at my local hospital. I did next morning and felt like I wanted tojust die as I was driving in my time capsule true original 8,000 miles old lady owned 2 door chevette hatchback, my cult car. I didn't even care I was driving it in the winter, I was too lazy and dopesick to take Mom's beater toyota. I got there, was in group after filling out forms that seemed to take forever to fill out. They admitted me inpatient, thank God. I was given 10mg valium 3x daily to sleep and help wd's good. The doc sawme two days later and started me on suboxone 4mg 2x daily. I got outta detox, eventually was on 3 8mg suboxone's daily, because I relapsed back on the last refill I had 3 months after being off them. I stopped the then 4mg subs 3x daily and still could get high at that low dose. My Mom foundout what I did and made me let her into the docs office etc. The doctor was upset and gave me one more chance, he said I'm putting you on 3 8mg subs daily and you wont get high off anythingnow. I knew already, but figured it was for the best.

The rest to come later, I gotta run.
 

onlywant2nod

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 8, 2006
Messages
172
Continued, so dumb me, instead of saving up as much hoarded to myself norco 10/500, I still was getting until about a year later when the TURD in office back then shut all rop's down. Instead I'd stop my subs and wait till wd's went bad, started taking the norco's and puked, took so much to get through the powerful dose of subs I was on that I wasted 120 of them in 3 days. Crazy dumb me, killing my liver slowly as well.

I finally learned my lesson and quit the bs and started saving up some norco's, that was good thinking ahead. In 2006 late August, after taking 5 subs at once and crushing up with my teeth gently and holding saliva for 20mins, I got a nice little buzz, but dumb me, I didn't keep a pill count. Long story short, I ran out a week be4 I could see my sub doc, I knew he'd kick me off when he foundout. Instead I did the dumbest thing I'll regret for the rest of my life.

I went on mmt at private clinic, started at 30mg,the norm and I got a lovely morphine like buzz that helped me buzz through the day and get shit done like crazy etc. Sad thing is, it suddenly always wore off around 4pm and then I'd have to take 4 or 5 norco 10, every 3 or 4 hours and conserve them to keep me outta wd's. Worked great until I finally stabilized on 160mg done. I stopped the norcos and I was on mmt up to 240mg or so for a while and when I wasn't getting higher, I thought shit I better not wind up on 300+mg, its pathetic how high my tolerance is, to this day after being on that crap since 06 until feb of 2010, that is one mistake I will regret for the rest of my life, fuck!!!.

Sooo now with a nothing to be proud of at all, skyrocketed tolerance, I met kick ass people in detox 4 the first time out of all 3 or 4 times I been in detox, which kept my mind off insanity of methadone wd's for 4 days, My old sub doctor surprisingly took me back, but is strict naturally because I'm so pathetically hardcore obsessed with opies. IT took 2 or 3 days of 4mg sub 2x daily plus my normal benzo's that only my psych doc can give me. I finally was just outta the woods.

I felt happy, almost the same good feelings again, wow what a relieve. The day I was discharged, my doc said something about titrating me up to 3 8mg subs daily again, BUT he gave me an ultimatum that if I didn't go to this boring 4 week m-f 9am to 3pm day program(which I've been to time and time again before), that he would kick me off subs and I would be going back to my clinic. I was almost in tears and said "oh no, I'll rather die than go back to that poison". He said that I had to go to the asessment and bring proof I set up a date etc, next day that I came in, in the morning for my sub script. He put me on 12 mg then.

I felt delusional which kind of felt good, because at least I was calm and not full of rage. But for some strange reason"probably done and sub fighting each other", the past couple of days almost a week now. I have been feeling my subs work less and less and my ambitionless, sad and rage feelings come back again. I still have an enormous appetite and still nod, but not as bad since I stopped methadone ct and went into detox.

Which brings me to today, I am really raged today and feel like I could just go out late in the night tonite at 2am and just fuck shit up and start cars on fire etc and make as many people suffer in this POS town I hate soooo fucking bad, its time to play vice city and kill and destroy to get my rage down. That is until I get bored or take a nap. Or better yet read advice on hopefully getting buzzed off tussin dm. Fuck it, I just want to get high today.

This is crazy, all my life I have been so lucky in so many ways and have this "gifted special sense that has saved me from shit and made miracles happen in my life", yet for some reason I will never know WTF, why all I meet are fucking losers who just keep coming into my life. As far as potential significant others go. I mean I have one or two cool friends now, BUT I'm 29 friggin years old and feel like I'm 50. I guess I'm a pos loser myself, that's why I'm a "loser magnet" when it comes to meeting mr right. Yea I'm a gay man and dont care what anyone thinks, its more accepted these days anyway for same sex love etc, in both women and men. Right now when I need a relationship with someone in touch with me, not just a F, buddy, I mean someone who I've known or got to know that we're both comfortable with each other.

Had I had that in detox, I would have cried over his shoulders when he came to visit me, we'd go into the meditation room alone, so we dont get embarrassed. Or just me coming home to him we'd snuggle up all night, since I dont care about sex now, that would not be a big deal. Yet as far as sex goes, its crazy. I've been celibate since 06 to now, and now suddenly since the subs aren't working as well to keep me through the day. I wake up with a raging sex drive every other morning and can cum like crazy almost in minutes or less. That right there tells me, how weak I'm maintaining on opies. Friggin crazy life, I had a dream last week that I was dying and I so vividly still remember looking way down at my body, dressed laying on my back on the bed, this unexplainable peace and love feeling and thrill to know my lousy life is finally over and the "battles in life have finally ended". Then FUCK suddenly I wake up and its over with. I still wish that dream was real.
That's the end of my story.
 
Top