Harm Reduction ⫸Personal Accounts of Addiction: What's YOUR Story?⫷

[PercocetDreams512]

I’m 20 years old & Drugs have always fascinated me & I love talking about my history with drugs. I started using drugs at the young age of 10 years old by smoking weed. I smoked weed till the 7th grade, when I found my grandma’s painkillers. At the time I didn’t know what the pills were, but I took one of the pills (10mg Oxycotin) & I fell in love with the euphoric warmth that opioids have. I started taking them daily first, one pill a day building a tolerance & eventually having a 70-100mg daily habit which increased more thru 8th grade. Once I got to high school I stopped taking the pills because I didn’t have the funds to fuel my habit. My pill man introduced me to heroin; cheaper than pills, stronger than pills. He gave me a sample of black tar heroin dissolved in water. He told me to snort the water, so I tipped the cap back, waited a couple minutes thinking this was a waste of my time until it hit me. The rush & the euphoria were intense & I fell in love with heroin & never been happier. I quickly developed a tolerance along with 2-3 gram daily habit. By the time i was I my sophomore year I had started smoking it and soon found meth to not be such a bad thing at all. I used meth to keep me from nodding in class & in front of family plus the combo was such a great experience I was in pure nirvana! Of course smoking can only get you so high until it’s not even working and you’re wasting product, that’s when I started to shoot up both heroin/meth at the end of my junior year. Fast forward to May 2017, I’m in the hospital trying to fight a IV drug use related infection (MRSA) as well as the withdrawals. Once I was released, I didn’t touch anything for a month or two until just recently when I started smoking BTH again, but only ever so often not like how I was before.

 

[misplaced energy]

Im 31, female and drugs have been a part of my life since being a young teenager.
I never considered myself an addict until around 4 years ago when I became addicted to benzodiazepines.
Truth is I think I've always been an addict though, a weekend addict!

Im an experimenter. From pot to speed to coke to ecstasy to mephedrone to ketamine to pain meds to hallucinogens and RC's, I've tried opiates and crack and thankfully they were not for me. I have always taken something at the weekend. There's rarely a weekend where i take nothing.

Ive never been a person that can binge for days.

I almost went over to the darkside and tried IV stims once. Luckily for me, i was caught by a friend seconds prior to the act. I lost that friend but had they not caught me i sometimes wonder where i would be.

The only drug i took on a daily basis was benzos in a medicinal way. I have terrible anxiety and insomnia. They helped I their sordid way.
I was lucky that i was cautious for the first couple years taking breaks from time to time but i did let it get out of hand in the end taking 8mg of etizolam a day for a few months which is minor to some but a lot to others. I got a grip on it relatively quick though when supply was short and to stay that way.
The pain meds were sleep aids mainly, i never saw those as a problem.

until very very recently i never realised how much of an addict i was judging by the fact i cannot go a weekend without some sort of drug.

I don't drink without stims, alcohol doesn't like me and i don't like it.
The second i consider having a drink at a weekend i plan getting coke or speed or whatever is available.
I have no issue in spending 5 times the amount of money than my friends to get buzzed because i know i need that drug to have a good time.
I spend the rest of the week feeling unmotivated and depressed and come wednesday Thursday i start to feel better and by Friday I'm doing more drugs.
Its a pretty sad existence.
I knocked the benzos on the head on a daily basis over a year ago but continue to take them on the odd occasion i can get my hands on them.
I did a great job of making sure i have no contacts but from time to time they appear and i cannot help myself.

So this is my story.
Its not as deep as some peoples yet I'm ashamed of it
I binge drink whilst on drugs. Shit i can get through a litre bottle of vodka in a night yet i only drink too keep me on a level from the drugs. I could never drink even a third of that without.
Do i ever see myself completely drug free? No. Sadly not.
I managed to stay away from drugs for 3 months recently when i joined a gym and wanted to better my life but in the end i missed my social life and let my messed up thinking tear me away from this new found love of being clean and healthy.

My lowest points have been having little respect for myself and being around people that were deeper in than myself. They brought the police to my house, some i slept with because that's what they expected after sharing their drugs with me.
Ive never stole to get drugs myself but I've sold things i own to buy drugs. I've allowed a someone to keep something in my house that i really shouldn't have because among the really bad stuff he had there was also something i wanted and i could take it when i wanted it. In hindsight that was probably the stupidest decision I've ever made.
As of late i dont do anything remotely bad but i still spend every spare penny i have getting high.

 

[keeping]

thanks for sharing your story misplaced energy ༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽

 

[Runningfox]

I'm not sure how to cut n paste the guidelines for the post. I will be as thorough as possible any way.

I'm Runningfox . 4th child of married parents . Born in early 70s. I had a great, gentle and wholesome upbringing. My parents were good ppl. I had no substance Exposure at all, growing up.

Married at 21. I had 5 kids in 5 years. Divorced in year 5. . . Managed a nervous breakdown at 26 when my Mom died very suddenly and violently. This was 10 days into my split from the spouse. Wow. .... so a year later I was ok again emotionally. Had the job car apartment n split custody of kids with the ex.

Met a new partner at age 27. We were married 3 yrs later. I began to have severe health problems while in college (*I entered college at age 30 ) and was put on ---you guessed it--- Opiates for pain control.

Seven solid months of hydrocodone. When I no longer needed the pills, after surgery solved my trouble, I quit the pills cold turkey. Big mistake.

The next few years I would need them off n on; sometimes for legit health reasons, sometimes because psychologically I thought I NEEDED them to feel ok.

I haven't taken any in several months.... last was I think a few in April 2017 following an onset of an ileus (*again big mistake, as ya don't wanna use opiates for a blocked bowel for God's sake. ). Luckily my body rejected them n most were puked up.

Today--- no desire to use them and I live Drug Free except for a huuuuuuuuge dependence on gabapentin. This is prescribed for prevention of my migraines, peripheral neuropathy and fibromyalgia.
I'm trying to taper down as it's acting useless and giving me cognitive effects I find very troubling .
I need help getting away from these buggers. This issue is what led me to BL a few months ago. I have used the search engines n read many threads re: gabapentin. I'm trying hard to lower my use but still take mega doses.

I don't feel Well or Clear minded anymore ....no energy no motivation most days. It's a "blah" life about 80% of the time.

Oh BIG ISSUE: my dad passed away last year from cancer. I was his caregiver; I watched him die. We were very close n i miss him;
I am Haunted by this loss (*I know it takes tiiiiiiiiiime) ....

All this darkness and mental anguish has me seeking relief. I may order some tianeptine (*am I spelling it right?) And give that a try.... as an anti depressant. I hope I don't abuse it . (*this worries me).

So that's the Runningfox run-down. I am 44 now. My kids are grown and well and out in the world . I am still stable; but I worry about becoming too depressed and seeking other chemical answers to the problem.
Winter is hardest for me; I'm in the USA; I have seasonal affective disorder and dark times are on the way, period.

I'm obviously new to BL. please be kind and instruct me if I've stated anything Wrong.
Also--- if you're reading this pls say Hello. I joined BL because I'm very isolated these days. I need community. Support. Friends.

Thanks! ----- Runningfox

 

[JunkyUnicornLady]

Runningfox. Hello and welcome to BL. I am sorry to hear about your dad. He was lucky to have such a devoted and loving son as you.
May I ask what is seasonal affective disorder? I've never heard of it.
Anyway I hope you find all you hope to find here at BL. There are a lot of good people here with loads of great information on many topics.
Again welcome and I hope to hear back from you
Yours True & Blue,
Nove~Rae

 

[Runningfox]

Thank you.
I am his Daughter.
BL this far has been difficult. Being kinda shamed n bullied in other threads. I dunno how this all works.
Seasonal Affective Disorder is a kind of depression which sets in when the weather changes. Usually associated with winter time in the USA. The days are short / darkness sets early. Much less sunlight. Cold. Dreary. It's a real thing. There IS even a thread about it here in BL but I have not learned to navigate it all that well yet.
Thanks for the welcome; I needed it so badly.
-runningfox

 

[JunkyUnicornLady]

Warnings and Advice

The only thing I can say here is, don't think it won't happen to you, because it will. I never saw myself here..... I'm actually very much in need of advice.

Miscellaneous

I have lost myself. I used to be happy. Now I just exist.

Hey sweety,
Its been some time since you wrote this post and I wonder how your doing. You post really touched my heart, it was written with so much feeling and you really put you soul into it. I found my self hurting for you and wanting to know you. I really hope that things are better for you now. I sure hope to hear you say they are. Anyway if you are ever in need of a friend or just someone to talk to I am a really good listener.
Yours truly,
Nova~Rae

 

[Jabberwocky]

Thank you.
I am his Daughter.
BL this far has been difficult. Being kinda shamed n bullied in other threads. I dunno how this all works.
Seasonal Affective Disorder is a kind of depression which sets in when the weather changes. Usually associated with winter time in the USA. The days are short / darkness sets early. Much less sunlight. Cold. Dreary. It's a real thing. There IS even a thread about it here in BL but I have not learned to navigate it all that well yet.
Thanks for the welcome; I needed it so badly.
-runningfox

Please report posts in threads you feel are trying to bully or otherwise abuse you so staff can look at it. Thanks.

 

[Runningfox]

^^^^ I think I was overly sensitive to some teasing / ranking . No big deal-- now, as I observe, some of the social threads appear to be About teasing one another.

I was / am simply Unfamiliar with the process .

 

[Runningfox]

Oooops forgot to update how I'm doing . Have been battling a virus akin to the Flu so.... yuck on that.

My tianeptine arrived today. I will wait until I'm over said viral illness to begin dosing it (*I will use as recommended : 25mg by 2 daily).

No urges to abuse anything : I am REALLY tapering down my huge gabapentin dosage, as I haven't noticed any new WD symptoms by reducing. It's embarrassing to say how high my doses have been (3000-4500 daily, some days even more ?

I have managed the past few days On closer to 2000-2400mg . Before anyone suggests it, NO my icky-sick symptoms are not WD . I know the difference .

Here's hoping all you BL'ers are doing well n have a very safe and peaceful weekend .
-- Runningfox

 

[Atmozfears]

Started at 14. Bought a bottle of cough gels. Me weighing 125lbs, the thirty gels gave me the best DXM high of my life.

Then 15-ish I started buying RCs. First was amanita muscaria. Package was seized by mother.

16ish I got into ecstasy in high school. Then coke . Lots of coke.

This is around the time I first tried a 0.5mg clonazepam and ever since then have been addicted , 10 years later.

I started buying more and more RCs - 4-FMA, MXE, etc. Also got into ketamine hard.

Then the meth came. Worst regret ever. It indirectly caused the death of my best friend and I want to die.

6 months off the meth since he passed. Used meth for half a year maybe more and it got awy outta control - still recovering.

LOVE my benzos, take them everyday. Etizolam mostly. i have an addiction to any dfrug as long as it gets me high but meth was one of the most powerful substances

 

[Runningfox]

Started at 14. Bought a bottle of cough gels. Me weighing 125lbs, the thirty gels gave me the best DXM high of my life.

Then 15-ish I started buying RCs. First was amanita muscaria. Package was seized by mother.

16ish I got into ecstasy in high school. Then coke . Lots of coke.

This is around the time I first tried a 0.5mg clonazepam and ever since then have been addicted , 10 years later.

I started buying more and more RCs - 4-FMA, MXE, etc. Also got into ketamine hard.

Then the meth came. Worst regret ever. It indirectly caused the death of my best friend and I want to die.

6 months off the meth since he passed. Used meth for half a year maybe more and it got awy outta control - still recovering.

LOVE my benzos, take them everyday. Etizolam mostly. i have an addiction to any dfrug as long as it gets me high but meth was one of the most powerful substances

Have ya ever broken down the psychology of Why you started that first substance use at 14?
Regrettable life at home?
Friends all doing it?
Curiosity?

I just always like to peer into th e psyche if I can. My dependence / addiction were unintended. By way of meds for sickness then surgery. Sadly this tool place right at the crossroads as far as DEA involvement with doctors handing out vicodin. My docs were generous, heavy handed even.... then once I needed the meds to feel ok, docs were scrambling like scared rabbits and booting patients outta their care, if they had gotten them hooked on the meds. Then there's no place to turn / taper/ treat withdrawals. It was shittttttttty.

 

[oxyloveUK]

hooked on oxycodone and other prescription opioids. great for pain, wish withdrawal didnt exist

 

[Larimar]

My problem is with OC , I?m at about 20-40 mg a day , able to keep it low due to cost . Husband started with the happy pills through working in construction long hours he let me try one and like everyone else went from weekends to daily use. Since being physically addicted I have only gone 36 hours into withdrawal and it scared me to death. No friends or family know I need these pills to get through my day so I don?t have anywhere to turn. This problem brings me so much shame and my husband feels terrible for introducing me to them . I?m ready to be done but scared of withdrawals. How bad will it be with my habit ; can I make it to work ??? Should I go on suboxine? Ugh feeling helpless.

 

[SunnyLeopard]

Background info
At 13 I got injured and was prescribed opioid painkillers. At the time I was being sexually abused, and when I took those pills it made ALL pain, emotional, spiritual, and physical, go away. They are painkillers,after all.. I did everything from tramadol to heroin and everything in between.

When I was 16 I first smoked pot and I loved it. It helped me come off the opiates gradually and helped with the nausea and withdrawals. I just replaced one addiction for another. I have not put pot down since I have tried it. I am bipolar/schizophrenic/depressed so it really helped. When I moved to San Francisco (drug tourism) I did MDA,MDMA,Opiates,Amphetamines,Alcohol,Psychedelics like mushrooms, DOB, LSD, DMT, etc... but pot was my best friend and was always there for me... my buddy..

There was a point where I took ten strips of LSD and smoked an ounce and a half of pot a day. I'd love to go back to those days, without the LSD.

I moved back home over and over when everything in California would fall apart completely. My parents did not like my smoking habit, it's too smelly, it's too late to smoke, too early to smoke, smoking too much, etc... even though they smoke I was always judged and always told that I have a problem because I do not use cannabis in moderation. With weed, fuck moderation I say. Not like you can OD from it...

They kicked me out and I was homeless in another city hours away from my parents with no friends or family for almost 7 months until the lack of weed (All I cared about) made me so sick of life I overdosed on my psychotropic medications.. (lithium,invega,latuda,etc...) and my parents took me back in. Only for us to fight all over again over how much I smoked, the smell, the big stinky bong, the coughing, waking and baking, etc... because I do not use weed like my family does they view me like I have a problem and that I am an addict. I don't doubt them. I've been kicked out numerous times over it even though my mom smokes pot. It's because I don't use it like she does. I've only been homeless over pot because THEY chose that for me, I never had a place and spent all my rent money on it or anything.

I love smoking pot, I can smoke up to an ounce a day quite easily. I just love, love, love pot. My parents sent me to rehab for pot in 2014 (yes, I went to rehab for pot) and when I came home mom was smoking weed and she felt bad I had to sit there and smell it so she allowed me to smoke it again but it had to be under all of their circumstances or it was unacceptable.

Now I'm living on my own and I think I really am addicted, or maybe I just love it a lot. I haven't done hard drugs in ten years and all I want is pot. I buy an ounce of high quality hydroponic pot and it lasts me 2 days. At the end I mix it with tobacco so I can stretch it and it tastes, feels, smells and literally is shit. I don't have the money to smoke like a rapper does but I sure fucking want to. I'm thinking about working the strip joints around here just so I can get more money for more weed. I need weed. You just don't understand.

 

[Jeffhardyforevr]

Brief Background

The first time I used an opiate was adtwr oral surgery. Was given Vicodin and it made me deathly ill. I puked non stop for 3 days.... then second time was after the birth of my first son. He was stillborn at 7 months and the gave me Percocet it numbed the emotional and physical pain of my loss. The problem started from there.....

Substance(s)

What I have used in my life.... marijuana, acid, ecstasy, Vicodin, Percocet, morphine, angel dust, Soma, flexeril, cocaine, robaxin, tramadol, Valium, Xanax, ambien, halcyon, tuinol (misspelled) roxys, codeine n methadone and god knows how many others, my addiction now is mostly benzodiazepines like morphine, Percocet Valium or Xanax, Soma robaxin or flexeril, and methadone

Duration of Addiction/Dependence
Started a year and a half after my second son was born in 2004 so around 2006 until now so approx 11 Years.

How long were you addicted or dependent on the drugs that you were consuming?
11 years and counting

Adverse Effects
I overdosed once which was so traumatic but didn?t stop me sadly. Nodding out, falling, one OD

Warnings and Advice

Best advice is don?t start using. I?ve been unable to stop

Miscellaneous

I unfortunately don?t want to stop just yet, the dependence is SO strong and SO expensive and I fear for my safety every time I use. I miss things I shouldn?t like the night i OD?d i destroyed my family with that sight and the aftermath. My son (now 13) is unaware thank god of my problem but I?m scared. I cannot stop I enjoy it too much how sick does that sound? It?s ruining my life but I?m not ready to quit yet. I mixed a strange combo of pills tonight (methadone, flexeril, Soma and Xanax) stil esiting for the ?high? relaxation to kick in.... almost two hours and nothing. Wondering if I should take more. I desperately want the high or relaxation feelings to kick in but nothing yet don?t know why it?s taking so long

 

[Whip_ya_maw]

My girl friend and I, mainly my girl friend, do 300-600 a day.

We take 2, b-3000 every morning

She quit subs and cigs, I quit 300mg oxy a day, we both smoke sauce and other dabs all day long.

What's the long term effect, what to take to supplement my body to keep my nerves right. We are both passed the point to where we get air headed, kinda just helps us think and chill... neither of us have access to medical tanks in cali, which is probably good.

We working on cutting out totally ,but we are natural dry users or at least people who have addictive personalities... MMORPG's only do so much and I had to quit gambling

Help us stay healthy.


(We also take .25mg or .5mg xan every 24 hours)

 

[Newbie25]

About a year ago I met a guy who hooked me up with meth and he gave me a good deal we would have sex and smoke together and I would scrounge up coins so that I could buy more well one day he took my money and said he would bring me some back we?ll e never came back that night and I hadn?t heard from him until he messaged me and then we started doing the same thing I even went as far as taking money from my mothers purse but I don?t think I am addicted to meth I do like to have it sometimes if I don?t want to sleep or eat much for a couple days I am more addicted to coffee then drugs I am curious about if it is a bad thing to use meth while on antidepressants I have tried to see if there is any references for that but haven?t found anything yet

I was born to a mother who was high and drunk and she was addicted to who knows what and I suffered from it my adopted family dosent let me drink because they are afraid that I will become addicted to it I tried pot but I hated the way it made me feel I like couldn?t feel my body and I only do meth once in a while I?m actually doing a bowl now while writing this the only thing I?m addicted to is coffee and I don?t think I will become addicted to anything else but you never know I guess if your prone to addiction like I am then it?s best to stay away from that stuff

 

[Rob1695]

I am so afraid.

I am a Canadian citizen in Europe.

I became addicted to Fentanyl patches after a Belgium doctor reccomended that I take this (to, as he put it, get me away from taking opiates for chronic pain).

I take one Durogesic 100 microgram patch every 48 hours (and I have gotten into the habit of chewing and sucking out the remaining medication from the used semi-spent patch I replace (I know... it is shameful).

Now, I am addicted to this garbage and cannot afford treatment. I am even considering suicide as a way of dealing with my addiction (and the shame associated with it.)

I am so afraid and feel so alone. I see no light... no way out of this self-created horror. (I am a 54 year old man and I am crying as I write this because I am so ashamed about how I allowed myself to get into this position.)

I doubt that if I chewed five or more patches and wore twenty that it would be enough to end my life because if one has a high tollerance, I dont think they can overdose (maybe I am wrong... maybe not.)

I need help, but I doubt there is anyone who can help me.

This is my addiction story.

 

[Lobsterbutch]

Hey Rob, there are people who can help you for your dependency, you just have to ask for help, plus there are tons of people on Bluelight who can help with advice or point you in the right direction and where to look for help. When I was in the BSU i was told that suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem, didn't believe it then but I do now. It seems like an endless path, but everyone has the power to change, you're stronger than you think. Age, location, financial situation, doesn't change the fact that you can get help. I thought I'd never get away from the shame and the deep blue depression..............but I asked for help...........and after a dick load of work and a I started to feel better and I couldn't believe it. It can happen for you too. It's always worth it