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Harm Reduction ⫸Personal Accounts of Addiction: What's YOUR Story?⫷

Danielpm1989

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 16, 2018
Messages
2
Brief Background:
i was raised by a codependent mother and an alcoholic step father. I started drinking alcohol at 12 yrs old, and i started drinking regularly around 16-17. I started smoking weed when i was 20, and then i began abusing opioid pain killers at 22, eventually.i tried heroin a few times. I most recently started smoking/sniffing meth about 3 years ago.

Substance(s):
Methamphetamine
Alcohol
Opioids

What substances were/are you abusing:
I'm currently an active meth user and occasional drinker. I've done norcos, oxycodone, heroin, Xanax, and klonopin in the past

Duration of Addiction/Dependence
I was addicted to alcohol for about 12 years. I was addicted to opioids/heroin for 3-4 years. I was addicted to benzos for about 3-4 years. I've been using meth for 3 years

Adverse Effects:
there has been a lot of adverse effects of my drug use. I'm currently homeless, I have a long criminal history, most of my family doesn't speak to me, and what friends I still have don't see me the same way. I've been told i have plenty of potential but I don't know how to utilize it. my drug addiction is a symptom of my mental health, I'm trying to get a diagnosis so I can get appropriate treatment and hopefully get clean once and for all


Warnings and Advice:
I don't feel as though I can give any advice. the best I can do is make my story known and it's up to each person who see's it to make a decision.. to stop and for good. or to never start.
 

Ropiho

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 17, 2018
Messages
23
Brief Background

Hi all, im a nobody, regular guy, normal life. Reaching 30's old. Married. Started on meth like 3 years ago up until now. But ive tasted heroin/weed/cocaine/ecstacy/horse-pill and none of them sticks.

Substance(s)

Meth.
Horse Pill (If i can get my hands on)

Horse Pill or 'Pil Kuda' can be found in Thailand-Malaysia region. Cheap, pinkish-pill, the high was like on meth.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

3-years in a row now. It started back then when i was at sea (working) and my best friend onboard was a meth-user and he is soo good at it. But he never ask me to smoke it with him during that time. Until one time, got an emergency call from shore telling that my mom was soo sick and my family needs me to get back home. But company did not allow for me to go back at instance since they need to find somebody to replace me first. And it takes them weeks to do that. Within that time i was soo frustrated, my performance went down rapidly, i even woke up late for my shifts and rarely take any meals. So my best friend approached me, gimme some advice here n there. Until one time i was soo down then he offered me meth. I took it, smoke it (water bong). Then it all started. Shit. But my mom survived tho. And i left the company and found a better one on the same year. Until now

Adverse Effects

I mostly smoke meth when i have an aim to complete, a job to be settled. So IMO i rarely abuse it, i dont know.

Warnings and Advice

If you already on drugs, you can carry on but please think of yourself, does it do more what, harm than good or otherwise? And the most important, think about the people around you, your loved ones.

Miscellaneous

Nothing
 

dopiejay

Bluelighter
Joined
May 31, 2018
Messages
305
Location
Newfoundland
Substances: any and all (mainly cocaine, alcohol, opioids and benzos).

Been Addicted to cocaine and alcohol all through my teens and late adulthood. Around 6-7 years of steady, heavy cocaine, stimulant, psychedelic and depressant use. started using opioids (snorting OxyContin and smoking fentanyl gel) in high school and have been steadily using them on and off since then. My favourite opioids are tied between heroin and hydromorph.

Still an alcoholic, now addicted to diazepam which I'm in the process of quitting, quit cocaine almost a year ago and haven't looked back, but not after spending tens of thousands of dollars on the habit. Still using opioids on and off for pain and pleasure alike but not at withdrawal levels. Nowadays I'll spend my evenings drinking myself into oblivion to relieve crippling anxiety.

My advice: stay away from cocaine and speed. It's the god damn devil. My nerves and brain will never recover.
 

AlphaMethylPhenyl

Moderator: MH
Staff member
Joined
Jul 2, 2008
Messages
7,725
Location
Liminal
^Yes they can! Six months trying the system and I'd say you'd feel much better.

It's nicotine and coffee and tea. I take meds. I consider it dependence without being dishonest to the doc.

I smoked weed for a few critical years in teenhood...good thing that came from it, I recently realized, is it kept me away from "harder" drugs, most of all opioids, which were my gateway drugs from a bad accident. I was getting opioids wherever possible prior to the age that I could seek out a dealer for it. Weed stole my (mostly mental, at times somewhat physical) opioid addiction, basically, with a few close calls. Was pretty addicted to the tea for a while. Withdrew in camp, ironically. Been off that shit for a long time.

Used to have my nights with benzo agonists...bad freaking idea.

Shrooms and I got off everything but one med. Got off that med and my personal/social life plunged down as my academic life shot up (no pun intended). Booze got me a few times. No longer.

Had one good hit of acid that I sold, a few of them actually. MDMA or whatever, just used a few times, really screwed me up to the hizzle. Had my coke period. Never tried meth, thank goodness lol. I would be done. Stuff is super toxic, too.

No heroin too, thankfully, ever.

No weird supplements or such that the doctor has to guess around. Therapy is going well. In my mind, this is sobriety. My life continues to increase in quality, with some hitches along the way.
 

dopiejay

Bluelighter
Joined
May 31, 2018
Messages
305
Location
Newfoundland
Honestly I would have to say the worst one for me was ecstasy. Ur ear only a couple years at most of heavy use but I haven't been the same since. And this was almost 10 years ago!

And by ecstasy I don't mean the "molly" all the kids are into nowadays. I mean real pressed ecstasy tablets.
 

Casanova1961

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 5, 2019
Messages
5
BRIEF BACKGROUND

I am a 57 year old male, born and raised in NYC. I come from a pretty well-off family, a very loving family above all, my parents were great, I never blamed them for my issues with drugs. I was always a quiet kid, very reserved, introverted, had a hard time making friends. I was bullied a lot throughout my childhood and part of my adolescence, at a time when the word bullying did not even exist, and it completely shattered what little self-esteem I had. I started smoking cigarettes when I was 12, my dad was a smoker so I would steal cigarettes from him and light up whenever I was home alone. When I was 15 the bullying had gotten so bad that I had to change schools, by that time I was smoking 2 packs a day, my parents knew about it since I couldn't hide it anymore . At my new school I didn't want to be the "nerd" anymore, I didn't want to be the guy that everyone made fun of. I was so afraid I was going to be humilliated again. So I changed. I stopped caring for school, didn't do my homework, started skipping class more and more frequently, changed the way I dressed, my hair, everything, just to fit in. Around that same time I started smoking weed, I was introduced to it by one of my classmates. It was great, at that time I already had very serious social anxiety issues and marihuana made it seem like it was all good. At least for a while. I then went on to try a few more things, like LSD and of course alcohol. I loved the person I became when I was drunk. I started partying, every weekend I'd go out, pop some Quaaludes, get pissed drunk and dance until my legs gave out. And then came the summer of 1977, at 16 years old I discovered cocaine. Needless to say I loved it. From then on my life became this cycle of waiting for the weekend to go out, get drunk, blow a couple lines and just forget about everything else. That went on for at least 4 or 5 years. Among all of that I dropped out of high school and got a job. Sometimes I just couldn't wait for the weekend and I started doing coke over the week as well, and if I didn't manage to get coke I would drink myself into oblivion. I started to depend on alcohol and cocaine to get through everyday, it was the only way I felt I could deal with my severe anxiety, I even started showing up drunk at work. My parents had already realized something was wrong with me but I just pushed them away, I didn't want to deal with it, I didn't want them to know how much I hated myself, how damaged I was. I just wanted to forget. But then alcohol and coke weren't enough anymore. That's how I ended up snorting heroin for the first time, I had just turned 21. After that my life spiraled out of control so fast, it all became about heroin, after 2 o 3 months of snorting it I started shooting up. In between all that I lost my job, my parents found out about the drugs, they stopped giving me money and in turn I started stealing from them, sold all of my stuff, anything to get my next fix. Soon after they kicked me out and I just sort of drifted away.. stayed with a friend for a while until he died of an OD and after that I was just all over the place, lived with other addicts, drug dealers, pimps, for a while I lived on the streets. Most of the time I was so high out of my mind that I just didn't care. At the height of my addiction I had to shoot up 3 or 4 times a day just to feel normal. That was my life for so many years. I didn?t even remember why I started taking drugs in the first place. I thought about ending it so many times.. but I just didn't have the balls to do it. Sometimes I hoped I would OD and that it would all end just like that. I've OD'd more than 5 times and somehow I am still alive. I went to rehab multiple times before finally getting clean. I quit heroin in 2009 and I haven't touched it since then. I still think about it everyday. I hate it. I love it. It took everything from me, I never had the life I know I could've had, I let everyone down, I was never able to form any lasting relationships because drugs always got in the way, they were the only thing I cared about, even more than myself.

SUBSTANCES
I've tried almost any drug you can think of. Marihuana, LSD, cocaine, crack cocaine, heroin, MDMA, poppers etc.

DURATION OF ADDICTION/DEPENDENCE

Nicotine 1973 - Present. Heavy smoker, 3 or 4 packs a day. Can't give it up.
Heroin 1982 - 2009
Cocaine Late 70s/Early 80s. I still do coke every once in a while but I'm not dependent on it
Alcohol Late 70s - Present. Though I don't drink as much as I used to I can't get through the week without alcohol

ADVERSE EFFECTS

Drugs pretty much ravaged my body. I suffer from chronic pain, have very bad circulation and severe lung damage. I was diagnosed with COPD in 2016 and I'm in the early stages of liver fibrosis. Also, in my early 40s I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

WARNINGS AND ADVICE

If you're set on doing it there's nothing I can say that'll make you change your mind. But don't fool yourself, don't think you'll be able to control it, never underestimate the power of drugs. Especially heroin. If you're lucky you'll end up dead like most, otherwise you'll spend your entire life chasing something that's not real. And ain't that fucked up.
 
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supaflyrobby

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 23, 2017
Messages
2
Location
San Francisco
Brief Background

I have considered myself an addict in one form or another for about the last 15 years. For pretty much all of my 20's I was a raging alcoholic. While I was still able to cling to employment and connections with my family during this time period, it's remarkable to say the least. They gave me more patience and empathy than I deserved. I screwed over my family and made life hell for pretty much anyone who came into contact with me. During my 20's I was hospitalized several times for alcohol. What these stints basically involved is 4-5 days of being fed benzos which kept me from having DT's or seizures and being fed awful hospital food. After I dried out they turned me loose and it was only a matter of time before I picked up the booze again. Even to this day I am not to be trusted around alcohol. All it takes in one night of having some beers and I could wind up going on a week long bender.

That being said, opiates are what has proven to be my total downfall in life, and what leads me up to the present. I am very fortunate (or not) in that I have a rather large source of income coming in each month for doing absolutely nothing. I am a software developer by education and background. I developed a system that is now a de facto proprietary engine for a couple of very large development houses which I am sure even non techbros would recognize if I were to tell you. I get a direct deposit twice a month. This turned out to be a recipe for disaster when I discovered oxy and eventually heroin. Online DarkNet markets quickly became my lifeline. I have not purchased any H off the streets in an eternity. The dumbest thing I have ever done in my life is pick up that needle for the first time, and man do I wish I could turn back the hands of time and have a chat with my former self.

Substance(s)

I have tried just about every illicit substance known to man in my tenure, but most of my present "experience" is with Heroin. I am a bit of a connoisseur of all things China White. I have been forced to turn to pills or pharmaceutical options for opiates on a few dry spells in the past, but eventually I am back to heroin again when the dust settles.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

Going on 5 years now I consider myself a heroin addict, though I have been masterful in keeping this hidden from those around me. While my family's memory of me being a raging drunk for so long taints their image of me, I am sure that other people in my personal and professional life would be shocked beyond belief to learn I am an addict. I am just another techbro in their eyes. One of many in this town. From the outside looking in I likely appear normal, though perhaps a bit introverted. I have a job and a consulting gig, I pay my bills, and I never bother anybody. If I lived next door you might very well consider me an ideal neighbor in fact.

I have made a couple of what I would call earnest attempts to get clean, both were cold turkey and both conducted from the confines of my condo. These were about the most awful experiences of my life, and the memories of these attempts makes it difficult to want to try again. Coming off of heroin is so awful that it's really hard to describe in a way a non-addict could understand. It's like you have caught a nasty virus and all the systems of your body that are supposed to keep you alive instead turn against you.Y
ou feel deathly sick, your body hurts, your legs won't stop shaking, you might sleep 2 hours a night. You puke. Everyone and everything pisses you off. It's a nightmare.You will do anything to make it stop, and the resolve to quit that was so steadfast 24 hours ago gets shattered real quick when severe dope sickness sets in.

Adverse Effects

While my income has kept me from being homeless and on the streets, I have become a hermit and a shut in for about the last 2 years. I interact with very few people and have no real social life to speak of. Being an addict is a lonely existence. I am sad to think of all the experiences I am missing in life by continuing to be hooked on H and locking myself away in my condo. I have driven away all of my friends and family. If you ignore people for long enough eventually they get the hint and stop trying. The few meaningful interactions I have left with other humans are online.

Warnings


I remain convinced that heroin is not a drug that can used recreationally for the vast majority of the population. When you IV for the first time you will most likely puke and feel repulsed initially. But then the rush of the hit sets in and you'll want more, as if you were chocking and being deprived of oxygen, and that's how it will trap you. Could you be lucky and be among those who can use and walk away? Maybe, but then again, maybe not, and it is simply not worth the risk. Get out there and live your life to the fullest, and live for those of us who are missing out and can't.
 
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Hezman94

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 19, 2018
Messages
403
Location
insanity
smoke weed every few hours get intense mental cravings for the taste of it and feel wish could just get it prescribed so I could pick the strain and it would be free if on the nhs lol.
Erm painkiller addiction for 7years PREGABALIN first year or so on it I used to use my script up in 2-3days and I wouldnt get withdrawal but then I realised taken properly did wonders for my anxiety and when my fibromyalgia kicked in it helped but now I wake up and thats first thing I need with my oxy and diazepam, i wish i never took benzos over painkillers i think the withdrawal is way worse mentally.
I NEVER GOT HOOKED ON HEROIN BUT METHADONE COS SO EASY JUST TO SAY YES I ENDED UP TAKING 60MG TWICE A WEEK FOR MONTHS
THAT WAS HORRIBLE TO COME OFF WITH JUST 60MG OXY A DAY, I DIDNT TAKE IT EVERYDAY AND I STILL CRAVE IT NOW SOMETIMES.
Oxy I got quite bad with would take all my dose 60mg in one go instant, I don't do this now but once amonth I get offered them and I cant help it.
Problem is I end up going through 300mg in like 2days and then have a bad kick for a week get back to normal and repeat.
I really need to say no to say im a opiate addict but I hate the rattle so rather take a consistence dose everyday.
but I do get tempted to crush a 30mg up at night but I just think of the next morning I just wanna do it again.
It's so good that oxy isnt popular on the streets id be dead lol

I have even got fentanyl patches in cupboard somewhere I dont get tempted to get high off em but if I had a strip of oxys theyd be gone.
I get offered gear everyday dont rate it just makes me gouche which is alrite but then I feel like a smackhead and guilt overcomes me.
Used to be a big fan of uppers mephedrone and amphetamines. now ihave panic attacks or go absolute bipolar manic followed by severe depression so no thanks

drugs are amazing but dam my brains blazing
 

Pete556

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 11, 2018
Messages
2,182
Location
My manhole
I just want to say i love this site and i love the web the fact that you can express yourself, share stories and gain knowledge to using drugs safer together is truly amazing I think people take stuff for granted to much imagine if the internet got shut off.

Part 1 just another akward loner with autism


So I first got into drugs when I was around 14 or 15 cant remember exactly I used to skive school amost everyday my mum didn't technically let me and somedays if i couldn't 'charm' her i would have to go even then though i would pretend to go then just walk around for a few hours until either she went out or school ended i was just hopelessly akward around anyone who wasn't family everyone picked up on my nervousness and like kids do ganged up on me with popular kids( I always seemed to get in fights with the tough kids not that i ever looked for fight or even done anything except maybe be to polite kinda sucks lol)so i grew to resent schook and everyone there, it was mutual im not showing off but I honestly was the lowest attending kid in my whole school the only other person in my primary school was a kid ill juet name as M cus privacy anyway M liked to hang with the bad boys he was smoking weed since he was 13 on facebook with girls twice his ages with the older crew posing you know I used to look longingly at those pictures on my laptop wishing I was that popular and cool suprisingly M also likee me for some reason I mean I was in the same year as him and he was a lot more charasmatic and easy going i always hung out with him when i could just to be seen with him lol( also less likely to get attacked by the other kids the cunts)

Heres where my life begins to change for better or worse, out of nowhere im walking out the school gate one day I see him and said M I wanna try weed he looked at me like a cult leader welcoming someone into the cult I was so excited walking to the dealers place when we finally got to M house we went into his conservatory he rolled one up sparked it and passed it to me.

Ill tell you how high i got next time im to high to even write this right now cant even see straight I love to write about personal shit or just shit in general it feels like I am unleashing some kind of mental energy when I write long a bit like when you exercise and you feel better physically not mentally.
 

flicca

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 7, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Australia
Brief Background
I was really young when I first started, about 12 years old. It started at school, first I smoked cigarettes because a girl I was crushing on did and I wanted to be like da "kool kidz". Then I ended up at my now best friends house, they were all smoking weed so my drug addiction started there. I smoked as often as I could. I used to idolize characters from skins and sorta made that my lifestyle. Now I'm addicted to a fair few drugs.
Substance(s)
Substances I am abusing: - Opiates, everyone of them except heroin
- Lyrica
- Benzo's
- Speed
Substances I still do, but try to not do often: - GHB and all the similar ones too it
- MDMA
- Ketamine
- Psychedelics
Drugs I don't do anymore: - Weed
- Meth

Duration of Addiction/Dependence
For weed, I smoked that everyday for 4 years straight, then I stopped for a year, then went back on it for another couple years at the moment I've not smoked for about 8ish months and I have no intention of ever smoking it again. I have drug induced psychosis and weed is a big no for that mental illness, only problem is weed is something you can do everyday so it stopped me from doing harder drugs, now I have to be careful with how much I used the other drugs. I was addicted to meth two different times too, first time was for a year and a half and that was the good times because I didn't feel the need to go out and buy copious amounts it was just a social thing. Next time was a lot worse even though the duration was only about 8 months, I lived in a 'crack den' (people would come in and out all the time to buy it, lots of dealing and lots of the wrong kind of people you'd want to be around).
I started opiates two years ago, that to me is my current weed. I try to not go past 3 days at a time though and space them out in case of liver damage. My GHB usage started around the same time and my second meth usage, I find that one light hearted and fun as long as I don't become psychically dependent on it and I don't do it nearly enough for that to happen.
Psychedelics to me is something I take to grow a bit, I don't see it so much as a recreational value I see it more as a tool and a gift, so that I do mostly just around mushroom season.
MDMA and Ketamine are more party drugs for me.
And the speed is because its close to meth but I use ADHD medication for the high so I don't have the bad comedowns and psychosis.

Adverse Effects
I've ended up in hospital 3 times from accidental overdoses, one was taking too much lyrica for too long then stopping so I had seizures all day and ended up there, another was for having an OD amount of tramadol with phenergan and baclofen and the last was after I had a couple bottles of Rikkodeine and god knows how many xans, I remember taking more because the Rikko made me throw up and I was like nooo threw up the xans, and I'm guessing that kept happening because I had no idea what happened and I ended up in a hospital ages away from home.
I eventually became so addicted to drugs that I was kicked out of home, became homeless for a bit and really had to get my life together. Meth and weed has given me psychosis which makes me no longer enjoy those drugs, and my psychosis gets really scary and even that wasn't enough for me to quit, it took a lot. I was put in a psych ward to get off the weed and I stopped the meth in order to have a place again. It was hard.

Warnings and Advice
All drugs are fine in my opinion but PLEASE if you're new to these drugs just make it a once in a while thing it can take over your whole life. I stopped caring about my apperance all that mattered was my next fix. I'm lucky to not be permanently schizophrenic.
Also if you do choose to do harder drugs, make sure you're around a good group of people who will tell you when you've had to much and when to slow down.

Miscellaneous
I have decided to become a drug and alcohol worker this year to help other people in similar situations.
 

Hezman94

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 19, 2018
Messages
403
Location
insanity
I binge get oxy 3-4times a month offf a lady
was overmediated and 70mg a day smashed me.
also took methadone on the weekends for 6 months it soon bilt up and i stilll fee withdrawals from it now and a personal tolersane.
I spend rest of my money on fsnnsbi.
its a mix of loneinesss and boredom and nobody inderstand tht if i had someone id be better i find it hard to imrpoveal on my one
 

H3re4Now96

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 21, 2019
Messages
1
For the last 6-7 years I have traded one addiction for another like clock work. I have smoked marijuana daily since the age of 15 while cycling through a number of other substances.” It’s not a drug, it’s just weed man”. I have had long periods of dependence to Amphetamines and Methphenidate ( first being introduced to them by my doctor for ADHD at 8 maybe 9). During this time I abused stimulants in every way imaginable. I have eaten them, snorted them, shelved them, dissolved half bottles at a time in red bull and drank them, dissolved them in glycol and vaped them, free-based them. Just about you could think of short of iv. When I would run out I would seek out non- prescription amphetamines and After a while my life would inevitably start to fall apart. I would change my behaviours, only to realise every time that I had just swapped one addiction for another. Sometimes for a new Narcotic, sometimes for an old one, that for some reason, I would always convince myself that I would “have control of this time”. Some times it wouldn’t be drugs at all, just a collection of addictive behaviors but always harmful to myself in some way. In this “one for another” cycle over the last 7-8 years. I have spent time addicted Amphetamines, Ritalin, Valium, Temazapine, Seroquel, OxyContin, Endone, Dmt ( mostly smoking bowls of “Changa” mixed with weed),Ketamine, Xanax, Nitrous, MDMA ( probably ??‍♂Who the fuck kowns what was in those caps, I was living above a night club at the time), Amyl nitrate, cocaine and MBOMe. I wouldn’t say I was dependant at any point but also did a substantial amount of Acid, salvia and crystalline DMT. This habitual cycle that I was extremely aware of but unable to stop, Destroyed my relationship, my fiancé left me, I was unable to hold a job and I lost all my friends.
My relation ship with my family has improved somewhat but for a long time there we were not on speaking terms. I am now in my mid 20’s and for the first time in many years I have shaken this addictive cycle and I have met an incredible girl whom I want with all my heart to be there for in a capacity where I can care for her. The problem is that after so many years of this cycle of addiction, it is clear to me that I can’t barely look after myself and I’m terrified that by involving myself in her life I will only make her life more difficult. I can’t help but feel like I don’t deserve someone like her and I am terrified that I may slip back into my old habits and accidentally drag her with me.
I so badly just want to be happy and don’t see much chance for me lasting much longer without someone like her in it but I just can’t stand the possibility of me sliding back into my old habits and dragging her down with me.

“Well....I guess, I Am H3re 4 Now”
 

AlphaOdure

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 7, 2003
Messages
1,419
Location
eastern U.S; great lakes area; big city
Word of advice,
While benzodiazepines, barbiturates, carbamates, & other general GABAergics may not be as immediately reinforcing as dopaminergics stimulants & opiates...

GABAergics are by far the worst withdrawal I've ever experienced (including withdrawal from 4 100mcg fentanyl 'Duragesic patchhrs' habit on top of 1 bundle of dope (10 bags) per day)

GABAergic w/d both elicits the same physical side effects as dope w/d combined w/ an agitated delirium state induced by excess glutamate randomly firing, which also induces seizures (I lost count after 10 when my memory sort of blanked from the trauma). This caused a psychological state not unlike that of a week of no sleep from tweaking (but without all the fun of tweaking) complete w/ 100% seemingly real hallucinations: I have scars from my last, & hopefully FINAL, DT experience from pickling at imaginary threads i thought were coming out of my epidermis & subcutaneous areas; also, in one of my many paranoid delusional states- tried stealing my neighbors car w/imaginary keys, wearing imaginary shoes in the very real snow, while attempting to flee imaginary aliens i kept seeing break into my house after witnessing their imaginary UFO land across the street)

Btw- i have no history of any psychosis disorders or paranoid delusional thinking.

It took a full 5 months to recover. In the past due to my stupendous tolerance, phenobarbital & temazepam was always used over a 3 week taper in psychiatric hospital settings & i never had much issue. This time i was only afforded a very short 5 day diazepam taper, but the trauma of the experience has precluded me from even CONSIDERING using un-monitored GABAergics again.

As stated, it took roughly 5 months for me to regain full cognitive ability & memory recall back, as far as i Can tell, b/c i havent been fully sober in nearly 2 decades.

Paws Is also worse than with any ither substance, crippling anxiety took 3 months to improve, 4 months with insomnia, & other psychological issues.

I'm still Rx'd my 4mg buprenorphine & 2400mg of gabaoentin--which is indispensable for PAWS.

But generally i feel a lot better & happier (8 & a months after as of now), & im finally able to actually enjoy cannabis, psychedelics, & dissociatives on rare occasion w/o impulse addict-like abuse of them (the pre-existing state of addiction tended to induce compulsive use of these substances as well).

I've also been able to retain knowledge efficiently again as i am an avid reader & thinker when it comes to complex areas of interest to me- mathematics, differential geometry & theoretical physics; pharmacology; economics & civic theory; philosophy & history; physical science (biology, evolutionary psychology, anthropology)--so cessation of GABAergics has also afforded me the time & mental bandwidth to go back & finish up getting my degree, i genuinely ENJOY learning again in and of itself, rather than merely as a way to entertain myself in between getting loaded & finding ways & means to get loaded.

Stay informed, drugs are fun when you use them, but not when they use you.
 

fullycaffeinated

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 17, 2012
Messages
154
Location
so upstate NY I may as well be in Canada
Brief Background
I’m a 34 year old female, from the northeast US. I grew up in a pretty average home — both parents, mom stayed at home, consequently, we didn’t have a lot of money. I didn’t fit in very well at school, mainly because I didn’t really have social contact with any other kids UNTIL I started school, and because I was very smart, but I didn’t fit in with the other “smart kids” because we weren’t well off. My dad is a daily drinker, my mom was an alcoholic, she was depressed for large portions of my childhood and had very bad anxiety and agoraphobia. She also had possibly negative self worth, and I always swore I would not end up “like her”.... but my mother ended up being my very best friend until the day she passed, and I am very very much like her.

Substance(s)

I started with alcohol when I was 9 or so, mainly because it was so readily available. I was a daily drinker by the time I was 16 or so. I also started dabbling in other drugs around that time - first weed, then ecstasy, eventually cocaine. Only the weed and alcohol were used with any regularity, and I quit both at age 20, and quit smoking cigs as well. I moved to the next state over shortly after that, and while I did drink and smoke weed occasionally through the next few years, I never was truly addicted to anything until I found opiates at the age of 25 or so. By this time I was engaged and working as a restaurant manager. I regularly worked 70-80 weeks and sometimes more. My body couldn’t keep up and instead of realizing it was the crazy amount of hours, I thought I had some kind of chronic pain condition, and tried in vain to find a dr who would prescribe the opiates I wanted. Eventually I moved to take over a different location for work. There, my assistant manager’s father started selling me pills. He had scripts, well honestly everyone seemed to have scripts. It was 2009 and oxycodone was literally everywhere, even in the smallest of towns. I became further enmeshed in their family and the lifestyle. I was a daily drinker and cig/weed smoker again. I got into the bar scene. Time flew between work, using and drinking. I excelled with my company and stepped into a role where I did “turn-arounds”, fixing the operations in bad restaurants. I got married to that very innocent boy a year older than me, and he stayed relatively clueless about my new habits. I fucking loved oxy, and the energy it gave me. Quickly I went from needing a quarter of a blue, to a whole one, to 2, 4, 6, 8 and more at a time. Tried to quit a few times, joined Bluelight and got told to get my shit together or regret it.... well, I regretted it. One day I was sick, and took a bunch of tramadol... I’d been up for days snorting blues from my new Mexican mail order provider, and I fell asleep at the wheel on my way home and hit a 72 year old man and his wife, almost killing all 3 of us. At my husband’s and family’s insistence, I “tried” to get clean, then just got better at lying.

I landed in yet another new location and suddenly blues were $55. I drove back to my old city frequently but seeing as my tolerance was up to like 400 mg a day, it was a futile effort. But no need to worry, because my new employees had heroin instead. Quickly the $400 I spent on blues a day became $400 worth of heroin. I only sniffed it, but I became just as hopelessly addicted as the homeless junkies in my old city. I started hanging out with this girl, fucking around on my husband, and she started doing dope and pills with me.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

I used oxycodone for at least four years with minimal damage to my life, but once I found heroin, my life started to unravel with breakneck speed. Within three months I landed in an inpatient rehab, where they did a 9 day suboxone taper due to my ridiculous tolerance, only to almost immediately tell me that my insurance had decided to stop covering me after 16 days. I spent 3 days non stop trying to find a suboxone provider on their phones, and when that didn’t happen, I planned my relapse instead. I left rehab and immediately drove to find some oxycodone. 6 days later, my husband and I split up, and I moved in with that girl... we continued to use more and more. I found a suboxone doctor finally, and settled into a routine of using once a week or so. A year went by, with our using becoming more and more frequent (my new friends from rehab made this much easier), until I got kicked off my program. At that point I relapsed hard. I cashed out a $10k 401k to buy a car.... and in 3 weeks, it was gone. My mother had just been diagnosed with cancer, and things felt literally hopeless. It was at this time that I enrolled in a methadone maintenance program. I had only used heroin for a year and a half, most of it not even daily use — but it had literally taken everything from me.

Adverse Effects

I lost a great paying job, then also a slightly worse one, my marriage, most of my friendships, even my relationships with my parents were very strained. At my worst I was jobless, selling my belongings to buy a few shitty bags that would not even get me off sick. I lost my mother three months into MMT — I used a handful of times shortly before she died and right after, resulting in a DWAI and a possession charge. The last few times I used, I did IV, but fortunately, my girlfriend had listened to all my harm reduction talks (thx to none other than this site, I knew everything about IV despite never doing it), and neither her or I ever had any complications from shooting.

Miscellaneous
The last time I used was Oct 4, 2015 — I used 4 shitty bags because I missed a weekend at the clinic — and now I’m about to celebrate 4 years clean. In that time, I tapered down to 28 mg of methadone and switched back to suboxone. I then got complacent for a while, started taking up to 32 mg of suboxone a day, tried to do a rapid detox off that, made it 12 days, had a mental breakdown.... and that brings me to right now. I have an appt with my old suboxone dr tomorrow, and while I would rather not get back on subs, I know that I need to, to be safe. I plan to keep the dose low this time, and hopefully taper off correctly. I’m back managing restaurants, but I hate it, so I’m hoping to back to school for computer science as soon as possible.

Warnings and Advice
I thought I was literally the last person who would ever get addicted to heroin. I used many drugs prior to that without ever becoming addicted. Once I was addicted to opiates, I also briefly went through alcohol and cocaine addictions as well. This disease does NOT discriminate.

I also had no clue that the seemingly harmless Vicodins, Percocets, and Oxys were just as addictive as heroin. If I had known what pills REALLY were, I’d never have touched them. I didn’t know withdrawal was a thing until I was experiencing it. For a very smart kid, I was utterly clueless about this dark underworld. I truly believe this country needs to educate its children a bit better on the dangers of the shit you snag outta your parents’ and friends’ medicine cabinets.

Also, if you have a baby habit, don’t be like me. Listen to the people here that tell you how much worse it can get. At my worst, I couldn’t even get up to GET MORE DRUGS when I was in withdrawals.

I tried over 100 times to get clean before I found success!!! Believe me when I say this - if I could do it, anyone can. But thankfully, I was ending my run when fent was hitting the streets — if my addiction was shifted just a year or two later, I’d very certainly be dead. I thought I would die in this game for sure. But if you’re truly not ready yet, I understand that better than anyone — just PLEASE use safely until you are. Test any new product with a very small amount first.

If you’ve never touched heroin... now is not the time to start. This game is life or death now in a way it never has been previously. Since getting clean, I have lost dozens of friends to ODs. One of my best friends just left behind FOUR beautiful daughters. Those girls will miss their daddy for the rest of their lives.

Staying clean depends on YOU! You need to put together some kind of life where you don’t WANT to use anymore. I have let myself drift closer and closer to the life I was living when I started using and I almost paid for that dearly! I thought getting off subs would compel me to fix that.... then my dr had me take a naltrexone pill which put me into the worst withdrawals of my entire life... and with four years clean I was out here trying to score. It can happen just like that, a few wrong decisions and you’re looking in the mirror and seeing the addict you were reflected back at you! The only reason I’m here typing this right now is because I keep good people around me, and because I STAYED HONEST with them when it felt like the hardest thing I would ever do!

There are so many stories in this thread... read them all and you realize that literally anyone could get addicted.... all it takes is a few wrong decisions. And once you start making the wrong ones it gets harder each time to make the right one instead. The rest of this country needs to wake up and realize that there is no shame in becoming addicted... the only SHAME is treating addicts like it’s something to be ashamed of.
 
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