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Harm Reduction ⫸Personal Accounts of Addiction: What's YOUR Story?⫷

Danielpm1989

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 16, 2018
Messages
2
Brief Background:
i was raised by a codependent mother and an alcoholic step father. I started drinking alcohol at 12 yrs old, and i started drinking regularly around 16-17. I started smoking weed when i was 20, and then i began abusing opioid pain killers at 22, eventually.i tried heroin a few times. I most recently started smoking/sniffing meth about 3 years ago.

Substance(s):
Methamphetamine
Alcohol
Opioids

What substances were/are you abusing:
I'm currently an active meth user and occasional drinker. I've done norcos, oxycodone, heroin, Xanax, and klonopin in the past

Duration of Addiction/Dependence
I was addicted to alcohol for about 12 years. I was addicted to opioids/heroin for 3-4 years. I was addicted to benzos for about 3-4 years. I've been using meth for 3 years

Adverse Effects:
there has been a lot of adverse effects of my drug use. I'm currently homeless, I have a long criminal history, most of my family doesn't speak to me, and what friends I still have don't see me the same way. I've been told i have plenty of potential but I don't know how to utilize it. my drug addiction is a symptom of my mental health, I'm trying to get a diagnosis so I can get appropriate treatment and hopefully get clean once and for all


Warnings and Advice:
I don't feel as though I can give any advice. the best I can do is make my story known and it's up to each person who see's it to make a decision.. to stop and for good. or to never start.
 

Ropiho

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 17, 2018
Messages
23
Brief Background

Hi all, im a nobody, regular guy, normal life. Reaching 30's old. Married. Started on meth like 3 years ago up until now. But ive tasted heroin/weed/cocaine/ecstacy/horse-pill and none of them sticks.

Substance(s)

Meth.
Horse Pill (If i can get my hands on)

Horse Pill or 'Pil Kuda' can be found in Thailand-Malaysia region. Cheap, pinkish-pill, the high was like on meth.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

3-years in a row now. It started back then when i was at sea (working) and my best friend onboard was a meth-user and he is soo good at it. But he never ask me to smoke it with him during that time. Until one time, got an emergency call from shore telling that my mom was soo sick and my family needs me to get back home. But company did not allow for me to go back at instance since they need to find somebody to replace me first. And it takes them weeks to do that. Within that time i was soo frustrated, my performance went down rapidly, i even woke up late for my shifts and rarely take any meals. So my best friend approached me, gimme some advice here n there. Until one time i was soo down then he offered me meth. I took it, smoke it (water bong). Then it all started. Shit. But my mom survived tho. And i left the company and found a better one on the same year. Until now

Adverse Effects

I mostly smoke meth when i have an aim to complete, a job to be settled. So IMO i rarely abuse it, i dont know.

Warnings and Advice

If you already on drugs, you can carry on but please think of yourself, does it do more what, harm than good or otherwise? And the most important, think about the people around you, your loved ones.

Miscellaneous

Nothing
 

dopiejay

Bluelighter
Joined
May 31, 2018
Messages
315
Location
Newfoundland
Substances: any and all (mainly cocaine, alcohol, opioids and benzos).

Been Addicted to cocaine and alcohol all through my teens and late adulthood. Around 6-7 years of steady, heavy cocaine, stimulant, psychedelic and depressant use. started using opioids (snorting OxyContin and smoking fentanyl gel) in high school and have been steadily using them on and off since then. My favourite opioids are tied between heroin and hydromorph.

Still an alcoholic, now addicted to diazepam which I'm in the process of quitting, quit cocaine almost a year ago and haven't looked back, but not after spending tens of thousands of dollars on the habit. Still using opioids on and off for pain and pleasure alike but not at withdrawal levels. Nowadays I'll spend my evenings drinking myself into oblivion to relieve crippling anxiety.

My advice: stay away from cocaine and speed. It's the god damn devil. My nerves and brain will never recover.
 

AlphaMethylPhenyl

Moderator: MH
Staff member
Joined
Jul 2, 2008
Messages
8,046
Location
Liminal
^Yes they can! Six months trying the system and I'd say you'd feel much better.

It's nicotine and coffee and tea. I take meds. I consider it dependence without being dishonest to the doc.

I smoked weed for a few critical years in teenhood...good thing that came from it, I recently realized, is it kept me away from "harder" drugs, most of all opioids, which were my gateway drugs from a bad accident. I was getting opioids wherever possible prior to the age that I could seek out a dealer for it. Weed stole my (mostly mental, at times somewhat physical) opioid addiction, basically, with a few close calls. Was pretty addicted to the tea for a while. Withdrew in camp, ironically. Been off that shit for a long time.

Used to have my nights with benzo agonists...bad freaking idea.

Shrooms and I got off everything but one med. Got off that med and my personal/social life plunged down as my academic life shot up (no pun intended). Booze got me a few times. No longer.

Had one good hit of acid that I sold, a few of them actually. MDMA or whatever, just used a few times, really screwed me up to the hizzle. Had my coke period. Never tried meth, thank goodness lol. I would be done. Stuff is super toxic, too.

No heroin too, thankfully, ever.

No weird supplements or such that the doctor has to guess around. Therapy is going well. In my mind, this is sobriety. My life continues to increase in quality, with some hitches along the way.
 

dopiejay

Bluelighter
Joined
May 31, 2018
Messages
315
Location
Newfoundland
Honestly I would have to say the worst one for me was ecstasy. Ur ear only a couple years at most of heavy use but I haven't been the same since. And this was almost 10 years ago!

And by ecstasy I don't mean the "molly" all the kids are into nowadays. I mean real pressed ecstasy tablets.
 

Casanova1961

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 5, 2019
Messages
5
BRIEF BACKGROUND

I am a 57 year old male, born and raised in NYC. I come from a pretty well-off family, a very loving family above all, my parents were great, I never blamed them for my issues with drugs. I was always a quiet kid, very reserved, introverted, had a hard time making friends. I was bullied a lot throughout my childhood and part of my adolescence, at a time when the word bullying did not even exist, and it completely shattered what little self-esteem I had. I started smoking cigarettes when I was 12, my dad was a smoker so I would steal cigarettes from him and light up whenever I was home alone. When I was 15 the bullying had gotten so bad that I had to change schools, by that time I was smoking 2 packs a day, my parents knew about it since I couldn't hide it anymore . At my new school I didn't want to be the "nerd" anymore, I didn't want to be the guy that everyone made fun of. I was so afraid I was going to be humilliated again. So I changed. I stopped caring for school, didn't do my homework, started skipping class more and more frequently, changed the way I dressed, my hair, everything, just to fit in. Around that same time I started smoking weed, I was introduced to it by one of my classmates. It was great, at that time I already had very serious social anxiety issues and marihuana made it seem like it was all good. At least for a while. I then went on to try a few more things, like LSD and of course alcohol. I loved the person I became when I was drunk. I started partying, every weekend I'd go out, pop some Quaaludes, get pissed drunk and dance until my legs gave out. And then came the summer of 1977, at 16 years old I discovered cocaine. Needless to say I loved it. From then on my life became this cycle of waiting for the weekend to go out, get drunk, blow a couple lines and just forget about everything else. That went on for at least 4 or 5 years. Among all of that I dropped out of high school and got a job. Sometimes I just couldn't wait for the weekend and I started doing coke over the week as well, and if I didn't manage to get coke I would drink myself into oblivion. I started to depend on alcohol and cocaine to get through everyday, it was the only way I felt I could deal with my severe anxiety, I even started showing up drunk at work. My parents had already realized something was wrong with me but I just pushed them away, I didn't want to deal with it, I didn't want them to know how much I hated myself, how damaged I was. I just wanted to forget. But then alcohol and coke weren't enough anymore. That's how I ended up snorting heroin for the first time, I had just turned 21. After that my life spiraled out of control so fast, it all became about heroin, after 2 o 3 months of snorting it I started shooting up. In between all that I lost my job, my parents found out about the drugs, they stopped giving me money and in turn I started stealing from them, sold all of my stuff, anything to get my next fix. Soon after they kicked me out and I just sort of drifted away.. stayed with a friend for a while until he died of an OD and after that I was just all over the place, lived with other addicts, drug dealers, pimps, for a while I lived on the streets. Most of the time I was so high out of my mind that I just didn't care. At the height of my addiction I had to shoot up 3 or 4 times a day just to feel normal. That was my life for so many years. I didn?t even remember why I started taking drugs in the first place. I thought about ending it so many times.. but I just didn't have the balls to do it. Sometimes I hoped I would OD and that it would all end just like that. I've OD'd more than 5 times and somehow I am still alive. I went to rehab multiple times before finally getting clean. I quit heroin in 2009 and I haven't touched it since then. I still think about it everyday. I hate it. I love it. It took everything from me, I never had the life I know I could've had, I let everyone down, I was never able to form any lasting relationships because drugs always got in the way, they were the only thing I cared about, even more than myself.

SUBSTANCES
I've tried almost any drug you can think of. Marihuana, LSD, cocaine, crack cocaine, heroin, MDMA, poppers etc.

DURATION OF ADDICTION/DEPENDENCE

Nicotine 1973 - Present. Heavy smoker, 3 or 4 packs a day. Can't give it up.
Heroin 1982 - 2009
Cocaine Late 70s/Early 80s. I still do coke every once in a while but I'm not dependent on it
Alcohol Late 70s - Present. Though I don't drink as much as I used to I can't get through the week without alcohol

ADVERSE EFFECTS

Drugs pretty much ravaged my body. I suffer from chronic pain, have very bad circulation and severe lung damage. I was diagnosed with COPD in 2016 and I'm in the early stages of liver fibrosis. Also, in my early 40s I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

WARNINGS AND ADVICE

If you're set on doing it there's nothing I can say that'll make you change your mind. But don't fool yourself, don't think you'll be able to control it, never underestimate the power of drugs. Especially heroin. If you're lucky you'll end up dead like most, otherwise you'll spend your entire life chasing something that's not real. And ain't that fucked up.
 
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supaflyrobby

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 23, 2017
Messages
2
Location
San Francisco
Brief Background

I have considered myself an addict in one form or another for about the last 15 years. For pretty much all of my 20's I was a raging alcoholic. While I was still able to cling to employment and connections with my family during this time period, it's remarkable to say the least. They gave me more patience and empathy than I deserved. I screwed over my family and made life hell for pretty much anyone who came into contact with me. During my 20's I was hospitalized several times for alcohol. What these stints basically involved is 4-5 days of being fed benzos which kept me from having DT's or seizures and being fed awful hospital food. After I dried out they turned me loose and it was only a matter of time before I picked up the booze again. Even to this day I am not to be trusted around alcohol. All it takes in one night of having some beers and I could wind up going on a week long bender.

That being said, opiates are what has proven to be my total downfall in life, and what leads me up to the present. I am very fortunate (or not) in that I have a rather large source of income coming in each month for doing absolutely nothing. I am a software developer by education and background. I developed a system that is now a de facto proprietary engine for a couple of very large development houses which I am sure even non techbros would recognize if I were to tell you. I get a direct deposit twice a month. This turned out to be a recipe for disaster when I discovered oxy and eventually heroin. Online DarkNet markets quickly became my lifeline. I have not purchased any H off the streets in an eternity. The dumbest thing I have ever done in my life is pick up that needle for the first time, and man do I wish I could turn back the hands of time and have a chat with my former self.

Substance(s)

I have tried just about every illicit substance known to man in my tenure, but most of my present "experience" is with Heroin. I am a bit of a connoisseur of all things China White. I have been forced to turn to pills or pharmaceutical options for opiates on a few dry spells in the past, but eventually I am back to heroin again when the dust settles.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

Going on 5 years now I consider myself a heroin addict, though I have been masterful in keeping this hidden from those around me. While my family's memory of me being a raging drunk for so long taints their image of me, I am sure that other people in my personal and professional life would be shocked beyond belief to learn I am an addict. I am just another techbro in their eyes. One of many in this town. From the outside looking in I likely appear normal, though perhaps a bit introverted. I have a job and a consulting gig, I pay my bills, and I never bother anybody. If I lived next door you might very well consider me an ideal neighbor in fact.

I have made a couple of what I would call earnest attempts to get clean, both were cold turkey and both conducted from the confines of my condo. These were about the most awful experiences of my life, and the memories of these attempts makes it difficult to want to try again. Coming off of heroin is so awful that it's really hard to describe in a way a non-addict could understand. It's like you have caught a nasty virus and all the systems of your body that are supposed to keep you alive instead turn against you.Y
ou feel deathly sick, your body hurts, your legs won't stop shaking, you might sleep 2 hours a night. You puke. Everyone and everything pisses you off. It's a nightmare.You will do anything to make it stop, and the resolve to quit that was so steadfast 24 hours ago gets shattered real quick when severe dope sickness sets in.

Adverse Effects

While my income has kept me from being homeless and on the streets, I have become a hermit and a shut in for about the last 2 years. I interact with very few people and have no real social life to speak of. Being an addict is a lonely existence. I am sad to think of all the experiences I am missing in life by continuing to be hooked on H and locking myself away in my condo. I have driven away all of my friends and family. If you ignore people for long enough eventually they get the hint and stop trying. The few meaningful interactions I have left with other humans are online.

Warnings


I remain convinced that heroin is not a drug that can used recreationally for the vast majority of the population. When you IV for the first time you will most likely puke and feel repulsed initially. But then the rush of the hit sets in and you'll want more, as if you were chocking and being deprived of oxygen, and that's how it will trap you. Could you be lucky and be among those who can use and walk away? Maybe, but then again, maybe not, and it is simply not worth the risk. Get out there and live your life to the fullest, and live for those of us who are missing out and can't.
 
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Hezman94

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 19, 2018
Messages
1,044
Location
insanity
smoke weed every few hours get intense mental cravings for the taste of it and feel wish could just get it prescribed so I could pick the strain and it would be free if on the nhs lol.
Erm painkiller addiction for 7years PREGABALIN first year or so on it I used to use my script up in 2-3days and I wouldnt get withdrawal but then I realised taken properly did wonders for my anxiety and when my fibromyalgia kicked in it helped but now I wake up and thats first thing I need with my oxy and diazepam, i wish i never took benzos over painkillers i think the withdrawal is way worse mentally.
I NEVER GOT HOOKED ON HEROIN BUT METHADONE COS SO EASY JUST TO SAY YES I ENDED UP TAKING 60MG TWICE A WEEK FOR MONTHS
THAT WAS HORRIBLE TO COME OFF WITH JUST 60MG OXY A DAY, I DIDNT TAKE IT EVERYDAY AND I STILL CRAVE IT NOW SOMETIMES.
Oxy I got quite bad with would take all my dose 60mg in one go instant, I don't do this now but once amonth I get offered them and I cant help it.
Problem is I end up going through 300mg in like 2days and then have a bad kick for a week get back to normal and repeat.
I really need to say no to say im a opiate addict but I hate the rattle so rather take a consistence dose everyday.
but I do get tempted to crush a 30mg up at night but I just think of the next morning I just wanna do it again.
It's so good that oxy isnt popular on the streets id be dead lol

I have even got fentanyl patches in cupboard somewhere I dont get tempted to get high off em but if I had a strip of oxys theyd be gone.
I get offered gear everyday dont rate it just makes me gouche which is alrite but then I feel like a smackhead and guilt overcomes me.
Used to be a big fan of uppers mephedrone and amphetamines. now ihave panic attacks or go absolute bipolar manic followed by severe depression so no thanks

drugs are amazing but dam my brains blazing
 

Ganjcat

Temporary Ban
Joined
Apr 13, 2013
Messages
3,314
I just want to say i love this site and i love the web the fact that you can express yourself, share stories and gain knowledge to using drugs safer together is truly amazing I think people take stuff for granted to much imagine if the internet got shut off.

Part 1 just another akward loner with autism


So I first got into drugs when I was around 14 or 15 cant remember exactly I used to skive school amost everyday my mum didn't technically let me and somedays if i couldn't 'charm' her i would have to go even then though i would pretend to go then just walk around for a few hours until either she went out or school ended i was just hopelessly akward around anyone who wasn't family everyone picked up on my nervousness and like kids do ganged up on me with popular kids( I always seemed to get in fights with the tough kids not that i ever looked for fight or even done anything except maybe be to polite kinda sucks lol)so i grew to resent schook and everyone there, it was mutual im not showing off but I honestly was the lowest attending kid in my whole school the only other person in my primary school was a kid ill juet name as M cus privacy anyway M liked to hang with the bad boys he was smoking weed since he was 13 on facebook with girls twice his ages with the older crew posing you know I used to look longingly at those pictures on my laptop wishing I was that popular and cool suprisingly M also likee me for some reason I mean I was in the same year as him and he was a lot more charasmatic and easy going i always hung out with him when i could just to be seen with him lol( also less likely to get attacked by the other kids the cunts)

Heres where my life begins to change for better or worse, out of nowhere im walking out the school gate one day I see him and said M I wanna try weed he looked at me like a cult leader welcoming someone into the cult I was so excited walking to the dealers place when we finally got to M house we went into his conservatory he rolled one up sparked it and passed it to me.

Ill tell you how high i got next time im to high to even write this right now cant even see straight I love to write about personal shit or just shit in general it feels like I am unleashing some kind of mental energy when I write long a bit like when you exercise and you feel better physically not mentally.
 

flicca

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 7, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Australia
Brief Background
I was really young when I first started, about 12 years old. It started at school, first I smoked cigarettes because a girl I was crushing on did and I wanted to be like da "kool kidz". Then I ended up at my now best friends house, they were all smoking weed so my drug addiction started there. I smoked as often as I could. I used to idolize characters from skins and sorta made that my lifestyle. Now I'm addicted to a fair few drugs.
Substance(s)
Substances I am abusing: - Opiates, everyone of them except heroin
- Lyrica
- Benzo's
- Speed
Substances I still do, but try to not do often: - GHB and all the similar ones too it
- MDMA
- Ketamine
- Psychedelics
Drugs I don't do anymore: - Weed
- Meth

Duration of Addiction/Dependence
For weed, I smoked that everyday for 4 years straight, then I stopped for a year, then went back on it for another couple years at the moment I've not smoked for about 8ish months and I have no intention of ever smoking it again. I have drug induced psychosis and weed is a big no for that mental illness, only problem is weed is something you can do everyday so it stopped me from doing harder drugs, now I have to be careful with how much I used the other drugs. I was addicted to meth two different times too, first time was for a year and a half and that was the good times because I didn't feel the need to go out and buy copious amounts it was just a social thing. Next time was a lot worse even though the duration was only about 8 months, I lived in a 'crack den' (people would come in and out all the time to buy it, lots of dealing and lots of the wrong kind of people you'd want to be around).
I started opiates two years ago, that to me is my current weed. I try to not go past 3 days at a time though and space them out in case of liver damage. My GHB usage started around the same time and my second meth usage, I find that one light hearted and fun as long as I don't become psychically dependent on it and I don't do it nearly enough for that to happen.
Psychedelics to me is something I take to grow a bit, I don't see it so much as a recreational value I see it more as a tool and a gift, so that I do mostly just around mushroom season.
MDMA and Ketamine are more party drugs for me.
And the speed is because its close to meth but I use ADHD medication for the high so I don't have the bad comedowns and psychosis.

Adverse Effects
I've ended up in hospital 3 times from accidental overdoses, one was taking too much lyrica for too long then stopping so I had seizures all day and ended up there, another was for having an OD amount of tramadol with phenergan and baclofen and the last was after I had a couple bottles of Rikkodeine and god knows how many xans, I remember taking more because the Rikko made me throw up and I was like nooo threw up the xans, and I'm guessing that kept happening because I had no idea what happened and I ended up in a hospital ages away from home.
I eventually became so addicted to drugs that I was kicked out of home, became homeless for a bit and really had to get my life together. Meth and weed has given me psychosis which makes me no longer enjoy those drugs, and my psychosis gets really scary and even that wasn't enough for me to quit, it took a lot. I was put in a psych ward to get off the weed and I stopped the meth in order to have a place again. It was hard.

Warnings and Advice
All drugs are fine in my opinion but PLEASE if you're new to these drugs just make it a once in a while thing it can take over your whole life. I stopped caring about my apperance all that mattered was my next fix. I'm lucky to not be permanently schizophrenic.
Also if you do choose to do harder drugs, make sure you're around a good group of people who will tell you when you've had to much and when to slow down.

Miscellaneous
I have decided to become a drug and alcohol worker this year to help other people in similar situations.
 

Hezman94

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 19, 2018
Messages
1,044
Location
insanity
I binge get oxy 3-4times a month offf a lady
was overmediated and 70mg a day smashed me.
also took methadone on the weekends for 6 months it soon bilt up and i stilll fee withdrawals from it now and a personal tolersane.
I spend rest of my money on fsnnsbi.
its a mix of loneinesss and boredom and nobody inderstand tht if i had someone id be better i find it hard to imrpoveal on my one
 

H3re4Now96

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 21, 2019
Messages
1
For the last 6-7 years I have traded one addiction for another like clock work. I have smoked marijuana daily since the age of 15 while cycling through a number of other substances.” It’s not a drug, it’s just weed man”. I have had long periods of dependence to Amphetamines and Methphenidate ( first being introduced to them by my doctor for ADHD at 8 maybe 9). During this time I abused stimulants in every way imaginable. I have eaten them, snorted them, shelved them, dissolved half bottles at a time in red bull and drank them, dissolved them in glycol and vaped them, free-based them. Just about you could think of short of iv. When I would run out I would seek out non- prescription amphetamines and After a while my life would inevitably start to fall apart. I would change my behaviours, only to realise every time that I had just swapped one addiction for another. Sometimes for a new Narcotic, sometimes for an old one, that for some reason, I would always convince myself that I would “have control of this time”. Some times it wouldn’t be drugs at all, just a collection of addictive behaviors but always harmful to myself in some way. In this “one for another” cycle over the last 7-8 years. I have spent time addicted Amphetamines, Ritalin, Valium, Temazapine, Seroquel, OxyContin, Endone, Dmt ( mostly smoking bowls of “Changa” mixed with weed),Ketamine, Xanax, Nitrous, MDMA ( probably ??‍♂Who the fuck kowns what was in those caps, I was living above a night club at the time), Amyl nitrate, cocaine and MBOMe. I wouldn’t say I was dependant at any point but also did a substantial amount of Acid, salvia and crystalline DMT. This habitual cycle that I was extremely aware of but unable to stop, Destroyed my relationship, my fiancé left me, I was unable to hold a job and I lost all my friends.
My relation ship with my family has improved somewhat but for a long time there we were not on speaking terms. I am now in my mid 20’s and for the first time in many years I have shaken this addictive cycle and I have met an incredible girl whom I want with all my heart to be there for in a capacity where I can care for her. The problem is that after so many years of this cycle of addiction, it is clear to me that I can’t barely look after myself and I’m terrified that by involving myself in her life I will only make her life more difficult. I can’t help but feel like I don’t deserve someone like her and I am terrified that I may slip back into my old habits and accidentally drag her with me.
I so badly just want to be happy and don’t see much chance for me lasting much longer without someone like her in it but I just can’t stand the possibility of me sliding back into my old habits and dragging her down with me.

“Well....I guess, I Am H3re 4 Now”
 

AlphaOdure

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 7, 2003
Messages
1,417
Location
eastern U.S; great lakes area; big city
Word of advice,
While benzodiazepines, barbiturates, carbamates, & other general GABAergics may not be as immediately reinforcing as dopaminergics stimulants & opiates...

GABAergics are by far the worst withdrawal I've ever experienced (including withdrawal from 4 100mcg fentanyl 'Duragesic patchhrs' habit on top of 1 bundle of dope (10 bags) per day)

GABAergic w/d both elicits the same physical side effects as dope w/d combined w/ an agitated delirium state induced by excess glutamate randomly firing, which also induces seizures (I lost count after 10 when my memory sort of blanked from the trauma). This caused a psychological state not unlike that of a week of no sleep from tweaking (but without all the fun of tweaking) complete w/ 100% seemingly real hallucinations: I have scars from my last, & hopefully FINAL, DT experience from pickling at imaginary threads i thought were coming out of my epidermis & subcutaneous areas; also, in one of my many paranoid delusional states- tried stealing my neighbors car w/imaginary keys, wearing imaginary shoes in the very real snow, while attempting to flee imaginary aliens i kept seeing break into my house after witnessing their imaginary UFO land across the street)

Btw- i have no history of any psychosis disorders or paranoid delusional thinking.

It took a full 5 months to recover. In the past due to my stupendous tolerance, phenobarbital & temazepam was always used over a 3 week taper in psychiatric hospital settings & i never had much issue. This time i was only afforded a very short 5 day diazepam taper, but the trauma of the experience has precluded me from even CONSIDERING using un-monitored GABAergics again.

As stated, it took roughly 5 months for me to regain full cognitive ability & memory recall back, as far as i Can tell, b/c i havent been fully sober in nearly 2 decades.

Paws Is also worse than with any ither substance, crippling anxiety took 3 months to improve, 4 months with insomnia, & other psychological issues.

I'm still Rx'd my 4mg buprenorphine & 2400mg of gabaoentin--which is indispensable for PAWS.

But generally i feel a lot better & happier (8 & a months after as of now), & im finally able to actually enjoy cannabis, psychedelics, & dissociatives on rare occasion w/o impulse addict-like abuse of them (the pre-existing state of addiction tended to induce compulsive use of these substances as well).

I've also been able to retain knowledge efficiently again as i am an avid reader & thinker when it comes to complex areas of interest to me- mathematics, differential geometry & theoretical physics; pharmacology; economics & civic theory; philosophy & history; physical science (biology, evolutionary psychology, anthropology)--so cessation of GABAergics has also afforded me the time & mental bandwidth to go back & finish up getting my degree, i genuinely ENJOY learning again in and of itself, rather than merely as a way to entertain myself in between getting loaded & finding ways & means to get loaded.

Stay informed, drugs are fun when you use them, but not when they use you.
 
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fullycaffeinated

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 17, 2012
Messages
154
Location
so upstate NY I may as well be in Canada
Brief Background
I’m a 34 year old female, from the northeast US. I grew up in a pretty average home — both parents, mom stayed at home, consequently, we didn’t have a lot of money. I didn’t fit in very well at school, mainly because I didn’t really have social contact with any other kids UNTIL I started school, and because I was very smart, but I didn’t fit in with the other “smart kids” because we weren’t well off. My dad is a daily drinker, my mom was an alcoholic, she was depressed for large portions of my childhood and had very bad anxiety and agoraphobia. She also had possibly negative self worth, and I always swore I would not end up “like her”.... but my mother ended up being my very best friend until the day she passed, and I am very very much like her.

Substance(s)

I started with alcohol when I was 9 or so, mainly because it was so readily available. I was a daily drinker by the time I was 16 or so. I also started dabbling in other drugs around that time - first weed, then ecstasy, eventually cocaine. Only the weed and alcohol were used with any regularity, and I quit both at age 20, and quit smoking cigs as well. I moved to the next state over shortly after that, and while I did drink and smoke weed occasionally through the next few years, I never was truly addicted to anything until I found opiates at the age of 25 or so. By this time I was engaged and working as a restaurant manager. I regularly worked 70-80 weeks and sometimes more. My body couldn’t keep up and instead of realizing it was the crazy amount of hours, I thought I had some kind of chronic pain condition, and tried in vain to find a dr who would prescribe the opiates I wanted. Eventually I moved to take over a different location for work. There, my assistant manager’s father started selling me pills. He had scripts, well honestly everyone seemed to have scripts. It was 2009 and oxycodone was literally everywhere, even in the smallest of towns. I became further enmeshed in their family and the lifestyle. I was a daily drinker and cig/weed smoker again. I got into the bar scene. Time flew between work, using and drinking. I excelled with my company and stepped into a role where I did “turn-arounds”, fixing the operations in bad restaurants. I got married to that very innocent boy a year older than me, and he stayed relatively clueless about my new habits. I fucking loved oxy, and the energy it gave me. Quickly I went from needing a quarter of a blue, to a whole one, to 2, 4, 6, 8 and more at a time. Tried to quit a few times, joined Bluelight and got told to get my shit together or regret it.... well, I regretted it. One day I was sick, and took a bunch of tramadol... I’d been up for days snorting blues from my new Mexican mail order provider, and I fell asleep at the wheel on my way home and hit a 72 year old man and his wife, almost killing all 3 of us. At my husband’s and family’s insistence, I “tried” to get clean, then just got better at lying.

I landed in yet another new location and suddenly blues were $55. I drove back to my old city frequently but seeing as my tolerance was up to like 400 mg a day, it was a futile effort. But no need to worry, because my new employees had heroin instead. Quickly the $400 I spent on blues a day became $400 worth of heroin. I only sniffed it, but I became just as hopelessly addicted as the homeless junkies in my old city. I started hanging out with this girl, fucking around on my husband, and she started doing dope and pills with me.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

I used oxycodone for at least four years with minimal damage to my life, but once I found heroin, my life started to unravel with breakneck speed. Within three months I landed in an inpatient rehab, where they did a 9 day suboxone taper due to my ridiculous tolerance, only to almost immediately tell me that my insurance had decided to stop covering me after 16 days. I spent 3 days non stop trying to find a suboxone provider on their phones, and when that didn’t happen, I planned my relapse instead. I left rehab and immediately drove to find some oxycodone. 6 days later, my husband and I split up, and I moved in with that girl... we continued to use more and more. I found a suboxone doctor finally, and settled into a routine of using once a week or so. A year went by, with our using becoming more and more frequent (my new friends from rehab made this much easier), until I got kicked off my program. At that point I relapsed hard. I cashed out a $10k 401k to buy a car.... and in 3 weeks, it was gone. My mother had just been diagnosed with cancer, and things felt literally hopeless. It was at this time that I enrolled in a methadone maintenance program. I had only used heroin for a year and a half, most of it not even daily use — but it had literally taken everything from me.

Adverse Effects

I lost a great paying job, then also a slightly worse one, my marriage, most of my friendships, even my relationships with my parents were very strained. At my worst I was jobless, selling my belongings to buy a few shitty bags that would not even get me off sick. I lost my mother three months into MMT — I used a handful of times shortly before she died and right after, resulting in a DWAI and a possession charge. The last few times I used, I did IV, but fortunately, my girlfriend had listened to all my harm reduction talks (thx to none other than this site, I knew everything about IV despite never doing it), and neither her or I ever had any complications from shooting.

Miscellaneous
The last time I used was Oct 4, 2015 — I used 4 shitty bags because I missed a weekend at the clinic — and now I’m about to celebrate 4 years clean. In that time, I tapered down to 28 mg of methadone and switched back to suboxone. I then got complacent for a while, started taking up to 32 mg of suboxone a day, tried to do a rapid detox off that, made it 12 days, had a mental breakdown.... and that brings me to right now. I have an appt with my old suboxone dr tomorrow, and while I would rather not get back on subs, I know that I need to, to be safe. I plan to keep the dose low this time, and hopefully taper off correctly. I’m back managing restaurants, but I hate it, so I’m hoping to back to school for computer science as soon as possible.

Warnings and Advice
I thought I was literally the last person who would ever get addicted to heroin. I used many drugs prior to that without ever becoming addicted. Once I was addicted to opiates, I also briefly went through alcohol and cocaine addictions as well. This disease does NOT discriminate.

I also had no clue that the seemingly harmless Vicodins, Percocets, and Oxys were just as addictive as heroin. If I had known what pills REALLY were, I’d never have touched them. I didn’t know withdrawal was a thing until I was experiencing it. For a very smart kid, I was utterly clueless about this dark underworld. I truly believe this country needs to educate its children a bit better on the dangers of the shit you snag outta your parents’ and friends’ medicine cabinets.

Also, if you have a baby habit, don’t be like me. Listen to the people here that tell you how much worse it can get. At my worst, I couldn’t even get up to GET MORE DRUGS when I was in withdrawals.

I tried over 100 times to get clean before I found success!!! Believe me when I say this - if I could do it, anyone can. But thankfully, I was ending my run when fent was hitting the streets — if my addiction was shifted just a year or two later, I’d very certainly be dead. I thought I would die in this game for sure. But if you’re truly not ready yet, I understand that better than anyone — just PLEASE use safely until you are. Test any new product with a very small amount first.

If you’ve never touched heroin... now is not the time to start. This game is life or death now in a way it never has been previously. Since getting clean, I have lost dozens of friends to ODs. One of my best friends just left behind FOUR beautiful daughters. Those girls will miss their daddy for the rest of their lives.

Staying clean depends on YOU! You need to put together some kind of life where you don’t WANT to use anymore. I have let myself drift closer and closer to the life I was living when I started using and I almost paid for that dearly! I thought getting off subs would compel me to fix that.... then my dr had me take a naltrexone pill which put me into the worst withdrawals of my entire life... and with four years clean I was out here trying to score. It can happen just like that, a few wrong decisions and you’re looking in the mirror and seeing the addict you were reflected back at you! The only reason I’m here typing this right now is because I keep good people around me, and because I STAYED HONEST with them when it felt like the hardest thing I would ever do!

There are so many stories in this thread... read them all and you realize that literally anyone could get addicted.... all it takes is a few wrong decisions. And once you start making the wrong ones it gets harder each time to make the right one instead. The rest of this country needs to wake up and realize that there is no shame in becoming addicted... the only SHAME is treating addicts like it’s something to be ashamed of.
 
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Mishmashed

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 15, 2019
Messages
52
Brief Background

Hi, I'm a baker & a cook in more than 1 sense. I've used various drugs over my lifetime.
Substance(s)
opiates,benzos,Zdrugs,cannabis and anabolic steroids.
What substances were/are you abusing.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

How long were you addicted or dependent on the drugs that you were consuming?
I'm 44 now so 30years if you count cannabis,LSD but my main addictions were to prescribed benzos & Opiate pain killers including heroin.

Adverse Effects

How did drugs negatively impact your life. Feel free to discuss IV complications and/or overdoses.

Anxiety,depression,copd and became a loner, went from been everyone's best mate to ppl looking at me thinking wtf,why &sort your life out.
Also if there's an emergency paramedics/Drs have trouble getting blood etc.Bad circulation and track marks.
Warnings and Advice

Do you have any advice or warnings that you would like to share to those suffering from addiction or are playing with fire?

Yes don't buy street drugs or if you must, have some sort of testing as if it's an opiate/opioid there's a good chance it has fent init or carfentanil which is almost a certain death sentence.
Take in moderation don't buy bulk if you can't look after your stash properly, it will end in tears. you'll either take it all and then be without, possibly overdose and finally your risking an intent to supply charge should you get your collar felt!!
Miscellaneous

Discuss anything that wasn't addressed above.
Carefull who you use or share equipment with, my advice is DONT share anything that could risk a BBv or infections from dirty equipment.
Brief Background

Tell us a little bit about yourself and what led to you using drugs.

Substance(s)

What substances were/are you abusing.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

How long were you addicted or dependent on the drugs that you were consuming?

Adverse Effects

How did drugs negatively impact your life. Feel free to discuss IV complications and/or overdoses.

Warnings and Advice

Do you have any advice or warnings that you would like to share to those suffering from addiction or are playing with fire?

Miscellaneous

Discuss anything that wasn't addressed above.
 
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Meth novice 79

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
710
Brief Background

My home/family life was a disaster from birth, father a pedo, mother a codependent enabler and an extended family with incredibly skilled ‘blind eye’ disorder, I was living on the streets, drinking alcohol and smoking weed by age 12.
I’d snuck out my bedroom window and went to the police to report my father one night when he threatened to hurt my baby sister, then went on a bender with my mates for a week and when I returned home, my house was empty, the bastards had packed up my sister and fled. I didn’t find her again until I was 19.

By age 14 id dropped out of school and was probably best described as a raging pain in the ass alcoholic with a penchant for buckets of weed and anxiety meds on my days off.

Then at 16 I fell pregnant and did my very best to pull myself together for my baby. Aside from weed and anxiety meds I was a decent parent for the next 18 years before addiction again reared it’s ugly head in my life, this time far far worse.

Substance(s)

I live for my downers. Anything that slows my overactive mind and soothes my anxiety will do.
Or would.
Until I met needles. Now I also use meth because I really just love the route and I’m too aware of my penchant to fuck myself up to continue down the opiate path.
So far.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

If I’m brutally honest, I’ve been dependent on at least one drug pretty much my entire adult life since 12. I’m now 41.

Adverse Effects

The two big ones run concurrently.
My health, and my children.

The thought of my lung disease eventually forcing me to be dependent on my kids fucking kills me. Not enough to stop smoking though. Fuckhead.

And how my kids view me in my worst states.
None of them know I do any hard drugs, but at my worst, my alcoholism negatively affects my children the most.
Seeing their disappointment when ‘mums too out of her mind to drive to see them or get up and do things with them makes me so ashamed.
Again, not enough to get my shit together until they’ve almost given up on me though. Again. Fuck tard.

Warnings and Advice

Reach out. Don’t think you have to suffer alone. Whatever it is.
Drop your pride and face yourself, asking for help is a true show of strength.

Try to use drugs for fun, not escapism or self medicating, that’s when it becomes a slippery slope.

Miscellaneous

So interesting, more than a little sad and also somewhat empowering reading a lot of these posts.
Probably the thing I love most about BL is the raw honesty and genuine care everyone has for each other. No judgment just ‘hey try and learn from my fuck ups if you can so you don’t have to suffer too’.
This is real harm reduction done right, and how people can help each other kick addiction not the ‘war on drugs’ BS 👌
 
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JoEhJoEh

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 5, 2015
Messages
1,393
Location
Europe
Brief Background
Hi everybody,

I'm a 38 (on Friday 39) year old woman and I think I have a lot to tell about my experiences. I'm a bit ashamed because I NEVER EVER told my drug story to everybody like her now, but I want to do it - because it helps me to think a bit more about my polytoxic substance abuse and give me the power to quit some shit. Pardon my English, I' no native speaker.

My dad was the worst (and I mean it) alcoholic I ever got to know. I NEVER EVER in my entire life i saw him completely sober - since he was at intensive care the last months before he died where he just COULD not drink. This was the first time, and i had to wait 36 years for it. I don't want to write a book here but i think my consume right now has to do with my father ( I could be wrong). He never really talked to me, he never ever give me a hug my entire life, he never told me "I LOVE YOU" and i never heard "I'm proud of you" or "don't worry, we'll fix that, I'm there for you". He was not interested in me, never came to the school when i played in the orchestra or got to a playground with my brother and mehe hever played with us at home or did homework with us - NEVER. He was just gut in fooling around and talking like an idiot, especially when we kids were bad to him in his opinion or did all the shit children do. What a wonder after 20-30 beers and a bottle of vodka. He just talked stupid bullshit and I found him in situations a child should not see his father in.

I didn''t get it as a child because for me it was normal that dad is like he is, but then with 11 years (when you start visiting your friends' families and so o n) I realised that something is REALLY WRONG here. I asked my mother: "Is dad an alcoholic?"

She just looked at me as if I was the most stupid girl in the world and told me: "You didn't notice until now? How stupid are you?!" This was just so mean and I'll never forget this situation. But, what to expect from an extremely codependent wife?

Thank god he was not an aggressive alcoholic - he did not hurt us physically - although i provoked him a lot in many ways because I want him to go to treatment. I wanted him to beat me up or something so that i can call the police or the emergency to get him to hospital and to start treatment. But of course, no way. If he didn't want to ( and he never wanted to) he went home directly again and everything was like before.

I asked my mother several times why she doesn't divorce - her answer was: " i do not have the money" WTF

My brother seems to be more okay with it, or he didn't tell, I don't Know it. I always wanted to talk to him but he always refused.

So - if you are the only member of the family that really wants to change things - oh my goodness - I had no chance.

I tried from 11 to 27 to bring him to therapy, but still shortly before he died he said: "What the hell are you talking about - I'm not drinking, you are hallucinating" - standing in front of me, hardly could walk and talk, had to hold on the door so that he not fell and so on...

but

"You could do it if you want it won't be succcessfull until the addict wants it by him- or herself."

So 2005 I moved to Vienna , i could say i reallly escaped and broke up the contact with my family. and here i was so lucky und still grateful to meet the right psychiastrist - because mine was on holiday and i needed a prescription for something. I had the time so i went to this wonderful man, really. Extremely friendly, a man who knows what he is doing.

That I'm an adult ADHD I did not know this till 31 - i was so lucky to get an appointment at 1 from 3 specialists for ADHS in adults incidently and I cannot tell how greatful I are to met this man. Even my mum and my best friend since the age of 13 has to come for an interwiev to made sure I really have it.

I have it, i read a lot about it was searching for studies and so on.

Buuuuut: Vienna was a place where you can buy all drugs you want, you "Just" have to know the right person. But believe it or not:

From 16 to 31 i just smoked weed. Then it started, oh my gosh - my doctor prescribed me 50 pieces 0,25 mg XANAX. And from now on I know that these kind of substances were the love of my live. They made me CALM. And i never had this experience.

This was 2008. I went to a silvesterparty where there was a mirrortable full with coke - and speedlines - this was the first time i tried coke and i began to love it either. I tried a lot and this was when I know what my second love is, still today.


Substance(s)

Weed, Pharmabenzos (my favourite is Xanax, but i also take Bromazepam, Lorazepam, Midazolam, Halcion, Myolastan, Oxazepam and Flunitrazepam when i can have them). I tried XTC, MDMA, 2 small line of heroin even, but never again, because i hate opiates they make mejust sick and i never had a good feeling, neither with tramadol, codeine, tramal, hydromorphon, tilidin and so on. i always was just puking all night so i decided - no, never again. I tried Foxy (5-meo-mipt?) which i dont like and always stayed away from hallucinogens because they scare me. Amphetaminsulfat as prescribed.

And here is my real problem:

RC-BENZOS: until now I had etizolam, flualprazolam, flubromazolam, clonazolam, and 3-Hydroxyphenazepam. And these are real hammers but i unfortunately couldnt stop to take it so my tolerance on clonazolam or flubromazolam for example (believe it or not) is so extremely high, i can take amounts until 50 mg per day and do not even blackout, just a little bit sleepy. That scares meanwhile and I have to come off from these extreme amounts. Im selfemployed and a therapist so during the week i take nothing - but on weekends there is my monster again - highdose whatever benzo. Or holydays i do it. Or in Quarantäne like now.

Last week (im such an idiot) i orderded i guess 5 different rc-benzos to test but alwas not just 100 mg, but a gram. It was Pagoglone, Diclazepam, Etizolam, SL-110 (i think so), 3-Hydroxyphenazepam and NItrazolam.

Purrrrrfect, that means i have something until my 8os :D


Duration of Addiction/Dependence
Weed: 23 years for sleeping; Benzos in general since 2008; RC-Benzos since Oktober 2019 i guess, and from time to time i have a good fishscale-cocaine but just when its´'s there, I already bought so many coke-shit, once and a while i threw it away, it was awful. And its not cheap but from time to time ai binge for a weekend. The Benzos negatively affect my life because i reallise my brain is not funtioning quite well. I forget things, I didn't know what to talk with somebody the next day and so on.

The only thing i know is:

I have absolutely stay away from RC-BENZOS - they are so strong, they push your tolerande to i dont know where and the make you stupid.

Adverse Effects[/][/BWarnings and Advice

NEVER EVER TRY THAT RC-Shit!!!! It will ruin your live if you dont have it under control. For me it helps that im doing nothing during the week. If i would do it every day I'm not sure if I would still be alive.

Miscellaneous

THanks a lot for reading!


JJ

Last edited: Feb 23, 2013
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TheToddmeister

Greenlighter
Joined
May 15, 2020
Messages
6
Brief Background

The first time I thought that drugs may not all be bad was when I was in elementary school and saw our D.A.R.E. officer smoking a cigarette immediately after telling us how horrible tobacco truly was. He literally walked outside right after class and lit up a cigarette, so although I was young, that made the gears in my head start turning and soon I began to question a great deal of things that I was taught.

I started smoking pot when I was 14 and somehow I ended up discovering Erowid and Bluelight. All of a sudden I learned that all of these drugs really sounded like a lot of fun. Soon I figured out that all these drugs were around me.

Substance(s)

I lost count on how many different drugs that I tried throughout my lifetime. Last time I counted, I was around 40, mostly pharmaceuticals. I've done every mainstream drug minus heroin and Opana. I never had a problem with any of the other drugs, but opiates were my downfall.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

My opiate addiction started out small just like everyone else. But soon I discovered a practically endless supply of various drugs and that's when things got interesting. By this time I was 16, making way too much money legally then I honestly knew what to do with it.

Within a six month window, I went from taking 20mg of hydrocodone to get high to taking 100mg of methadone just to feel normal. Which lead to two overdoses because I stupidly mixed them with benzos. I went to a very well respected rehab but as soon as I got a chance, I got high once I got home.

Eventually that led to a year being on Suboxone before I stopped taking it and soon I was smoking fentanyl and doing Oxycontin daily. I never meant to become addicted again, but I guess we never do. I was taking an average of 80-120mg a day for a good year on average before getting on MMT then bupe.

I am now a year clean from opiates.

Adverse Effects

I can't even begin to count the ways that opiates have fucked up my life. After a whole year of being clean, I am just now starting to feel "normal" after 7 years of abusing opiates.

I was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital after one of my overdoses. After being shocked twice, my heart started beating again and I was in a coma for a few days. All of my organs suffered severe damage from lack of oxygen and no one expected me to live. I had a team of doctors fighting to save my life and not a single one of them can explain how I am alive today or how I do not have any kind of damage from being dead. I overdosed at my "best friend's" house and instead of calling 911, he dragged my body to the road and shoved a plethora of drugs in my pockets before someone found me.

I was just about agnostic before overdosing like that. But having 20 doctors tell you that they can't explain why you are alive really made me believe in God. I know that I have a purpose in life now.

Warnings and Advice

Never be afraid/ashamed to ask for help both in real life or on Bluelight.

Listen to what people say about the dangers of drugs because you are not invincible.

Drugs can occasionally be a good thing in moderation, but there's a fine line between moderation and abuse. Sometimes it can be impossible to tell the difference between the two.

No drug is worth your life.

You will eventually reach a point where the drugs don't work anymore and they just make everything worse.

Miscellaneous

If anyone needs to talk about anything, feel free to PM me.
 

Mishmashed

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 15, 2019
Messages
52
Brief Background

My home/family life was a disaster from birth, father a pedo, mother a codependent enabler and an extended family with incredibly skilled ‘blind eye’ disorder, I was living on the streets, drinking alcohol and smoking weed by age 12.
I’d snuck out my bedroom window and went to the police to report my father one night when he threatened to hurt my baby sister, then went on a bender with my mates for a week and when I returned home, my house was empty, the bastards had packed up my sister and fled. I didn’t find her again until I was 19.

By age 14 id dropped out of school and was probably best described as a raging pain in the ass alcoholic with a penchant for buckets of weed and anxiety meds on my days off.

Then at 16 I fell pregnant and did my very best to pull myself together for my baby. Aside from weed and anxiety meds I was a decent parent for the next 18 years before addiction again reared it’s ugly head in my life, this time far far worse.

Substance(s)

I live for my downers. Anything that slows my overactive mind and soothes my anxiety will do.
Or would.
Until I met needles. Now I also use meth because I really just love the route and I’m too aware of my penchant to fuck myself up to continue down the opiate path.
So far.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

If I’m brutally honest, I’ve been dependent on at least one drug pretty much my entire adult life since 12. I’m now 41.

Adverse Effects

The two big ones run concurrently.
My health, and my children.

The thought of my lung disease eventually forcing me to be dependent on my kids fucking kills me. Not enough to stop smoking though. Fuckhead.

And how my kids view me in my worst states.
None of them know I do any hard drugs, but at my worst, my alcoholism negatively affects my children the most.
Seeing their disappointment when ‘mums too out of her mind to drive to see them or get up and do things with them makes me so ashamed.
Again, not enough to get my shit together until they’ve almost given up on me though. Again. Fuck tard.

Warnings and Advice

Reach out. Don’t think you have to suffer alone. Whatever it is.
Drop your pride and face yourself, asking for help is a true show of strength.

Try to use drugs for fun, not escapism or self medicating, that’s when it becomes a slippery slope.

Miscellaneous

So interesting, more than a little sad and also somewhat empowering reading a lot of these posts.
Probably the thing I love most about BL is the raw honesty and genuine care everyone has for each other. No judgment just ‘hey try and learn from my fuck ups if you can so you don’t have to suffer too’.
This is real harm reduction done right, and how people can help each other kick addiction not the ‘war on drugs’ BS 👌
I feel what your saying sistren and whole heartedly agree especially with the war on drugs, the drug can't fight so how can it war that's through the ppl so really it's a war on the ppl 👊
 
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