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Harm Reduction ⫸Personal Accounts of Addiction: What's YOUR Story?⫷

Chris84

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 28, 2013
Messages
128
Location
South Engalnd
Brief Backround - I was always a curious kid, always interested in the wrong things. I would like to say peer pressure forced me into drugs, but to be honest it was natural curiosity at things that had been forbidden. Then as I got into my teens I began to have problems at home, especially with my dad, so drugs chnaged from being a bit of fun to being used to block out what was going on at home.
Substances - I started smoking cigarettes at 11, drinking alcohol by 13, cannabis by 14, ecstasy by 15 (although I took half an E when I was 13) speed by 16, ketamine by 17, coke by 18, magic mushrooms by 19, crack by 21, benzos by 22, oxy by 23 and heroin the same year. I've also done acid, 2c-b, 2c-e and 2c-d, but can't remember the exact dates.
Substances abused and duration - Cannabis, as I haven't stopped smoking it since I started. Ecstacy as I took that every weekend, sometimes more for around 8 years. Benzos were the worst as I had to go through a benzo taper plan that took ages, I was addicted to them for around 3 or 4 years and it took nearly a year to get completely off them. Next were opiates, I have abused them for the last 5 years at least, I'm off them at the moment, but that's only thanks to methadone
How Drugs have negatively effected your life - By turning me into a recluse, taking all my money and putting my family through hell, I've been in and out of hospitals and rehabs many times and am determined not to go back to either.
 

tentram

Ex-Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 21, 2012
Messages
7,038
Location
i went to god just to see.
i'll definitely get around to sharing my story soon, guys. i would like to commend wiggi on a great idea for a thread:)

thanks to all who have responded, they've all been more than interesting reads. eye opening for sure considering each and every one of us are just your average joe citizen.

memphy said:
it may get more attention in DC....
nah, man. in here is the go. although with those newer sub-forums is very well may fit in there after given a decent amount of time to grow and build within OD as we deal with this topic on a daily basis. it's a re-occuring theme and subject to many OD threads even with the liasing and shifting of certain threads similar to nature to The Dark Side.
 

mrflowers00

Ex-Bluelighter
Joined
May 23, 2010
Messages
3,707
Location
santa rosa, CA
my drug addiction started at a very early age. growing up i was always around drugs and alcohol my mom smoked weed and meth and drank and my dad snorted meth and drank so i didn't see drugs in such a negative light like most kids. i started using drugs at age 7 because i wanted to see why my dad did. the first drug i ever used was alcohol i finished off the last 3rd of a 5th of whiskey my dad was passed out on the couch whit the bottle on the coffee table and i absolutely loved it.

at age 7 i drank almost every weekend and smoked cannabis maybe once every other month and at 8 i tried vicodin and valium for the first time. by the time i was 13 i was smoking weed and drinking almost everyday. at 14 i made it my mission to try every drug i could get ahold of. i did heroin/ meth, LSD, shrooms, MDMA, cocaine (and crack), weed, alcohol, prescription opiates, prescription amphetamines, benzos, nitrous, and tobacco and probably other things i can't think of right now.

So i have used drugs since i was 7 and still do today at 23 i never really thought drugs were bad but from what i know now i would have never done drugs.

i have gone to jail and psych wards due to my drug use, also i've lost most of my friends and most of my family doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. i have hideous track marks all over my arms and most people look down on me because i'm just a dirty junkie.

If anyone reads this and is considering using drugs for fun it's not worth it you'd be much better off getting natural highs like from working out or being an adrenalin/thrill seeker i honestly would have never done drugs if i knew where they would have taken me.
 

tricomb

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jan 21, 2012
Messages
13,084
Location
السلام عليكم
most people look down on me because i'm just a dirty junkie.
You know I'll never look down on you, but that may not mean much coming from someone like me. But damn man, I learned a lot about you that I never knew, that is intense that you too were introduced to drugs at such a young age. I really really feel for you and your story was one that is unfortunately not the first I've heard, I grew up with a lot of people who were victims as children who suffered the meth epidemic, because their parents were using methamphetamine instead of buying food and diapers or taking their kids to school.
 

mrflowers00

Ex-Bluelighter
Joined
May 23, 2010
Messages
3,707
Location
santa rosa, CA
i know tri you're a good friend and it does mean a lot that you don't think of me as some low life junkie and i think quite highly of you, you help so many people on BL and i'm sure outside of BL as well your a good man and i really value your friendship
 

tricomb

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jan 21, 2012
Messages
13,084
Location
السلام عليكم
i know tri you're a good friend and it does mean a lot that you don't think of me as some low life junkie and i think quite highly of you, you help so many people on BL and i'm sure outside of BL as well your a good man and i really value your friendship
that's a two way street bro, and I look forward to our paths meeting at an intersection soon. :)

Thanks again for sharing your account of addiction. Really an eye opener.
 

hatrix

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 10, 2011
Messages
1,146
Location
House by the lake
Hey anyone posting their story in here is a good person for doing so. Jesus christ I didn't even realize how long my post was until just looking at it now.

It takes a lot to just through it out there. I know its a drug forum, but some stuff just feels really personal. You never know though, you story could truly help someone else.
 

coldone

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 8, 2013
Messages
7
Brief Background

Well alot of you guys have terrible stories so it makes me feel even worse when I try and figure out how I ended up so fucked up. I grew up in a perfect family great childhood I couldn't have asked for better life or parents. I think I started using drugs as a freshman because I thought it would get me more friends in HS. When I was 15 I snorted 40mg oxy first time using it was like something clicked in me and it was downhill real fast from there. I was growing weed at this time and selling and getting fucked up and partying snorting oxys all the time then I found I could shoot them. I switched to heroin because it was cheaper. I met a russian guy with incredible connections. He went on to basically teach me how to become a great heroin dealer knowing I could get a younger crowd then he could although I didn't realize this at time and thought he was my friend and wanted to help me make money. I did I made a lot of money although I have none of it now or any thing to show for it. I made countless trips out of state and worked my way up in the game watched my best friend that I hung out with every day from age 5 die in front of me from an OD. I was 20 at this point and hustling and getting high was all I knew. 22 a lot of the people I was hustlin with started getting busted the cops had us all figured out and knew every thing and had multiple friends die at this point. I called my mother and told her every thing she had split from my dad when I was 18 and wasn't living at home this was a little over a year ago I moved out of state with her and went onto methadone for the past year I just finished my taper altho I fucked it up at the end and now im in WD 4am no sleep but I am determined to get past this at 23 I dont want this to destroy my whole life even if its all I know right now.

Substance(s)

I have done every drug you could prob think of besides some exotics but it was always oxys and heroin for me that was a problem

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

6 years of using every day or I would go into WD but I started using drugs before that.

Adverse Effects

Besides dead friends and having my family lose all trust in me when I look around at all the kids I grew up with my age off in college or working having kids and I fell I have done nothing but party with my life and now I have to start from scratch and try and find out who I even am idk who I am sober its hard to explain but I have looked at my self as a low life piece of shit for so long

Warnings and Advice

I would say just don't touch heroin but I know saying that is only going to make you want to do it more. Hopefully if you get any thing from my story its that doesn't matter where you came from how nice a family you have drugs will destroy your life. The dealing and the money and the partys the girls that want to fuck any guy who will give them drugs all sounds awesome and it is but it never lasts you die you get robbed you go to jail and its not fun forever in the end I found my self just laying in bed getting high all day selling shit and that's not a life at all.
 

Nozphexezora

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 7, 2012
Messages
540
I'll add a little about my addiction and if you want you can ask; Just a quick disclaimer, first, I don't intend to impose any exaggeration on my experiences, and I'll try to tell it as accurately as I can out of respect for people who genuinely have had it far worse than I did.

Brief Background

I'm 18 now and drugs began as simple experimentation. I was introduced through opiates by myself, and never relied on a street dealer then on.

Substance(s)

codeine/poppy seed tea

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

2-1.5 years

Adverse Effects

n/a

Warnings and Advice

don't do drugs.

Miscellaneous

I started getting huge histamine attacks from codeine, so I moved to poppy seed tea. Eventually, quite quickly, it got carried away and when my Mom gave me access to that precious 2 grand in my savings account (around January) the problem turned full-blown. The two-grand was spent quickly, in about a month, as I was taking 1.5kg-3kg of poppy seeds per dose twice a day. I started getting suicidal thoughts, but I'd always go out and brew tea in my car (i found a super quick way in which I could extract huge amounts of seeds in 5-15 minutes) and it sort of prevented me from ever doing it. Well, eventually my parents caught on again with my drug addiction and my Mom didn't really care any more. She had tried to help me earlier, and she just said "Don't steal from us and we don't care about your addiction." Well, when I spent the 2 grand I tried quitting. Boy, that lasted a day. I quickly snatched 10 dollars from my parents' drawer and found ways of minimalising my costs over the next month or so before my Mom noticed that I had pawned my GPS, acoustic guitar and a bunch of other shit. My Step Dad loathed me for my usage, and with reason, but he made it very hard for me to live there. I moved to my brother's place for a bit, where I begged him for 50 dollars and needed his help after my car ran out of fuel. I returned home one night to my Mom's place high as fuck on poppy seeds i took in my car and I was having huge breathing problems. I felt like I was going to overdose, but I didn't care at the time. I went to watch TV - but the dvd player was gone because my step dad had hidden it. I thought "I'm going to jump on the computer" and I did so, but my step dad turned off the internet. I started having a panic attack and after a huge altercation I was quickly driven back to my Brother's place in a taxi.

I stayed at my Brother's place for a while, claiming to go out to University when I was really out stealing and brewing tea. This went on for a few days when my Brother came home to me nodding off. He didn't really notice, but he told me that I couldn't stay at his place any more because it was too packed. Although he was perfectly right in saying so, as the house had 5 residents excluding me, I nodded off before waking up in a state of panic. To cut it short, I tried to kill myself (bridge jump) after getting into a fight with my brother but I got high instead and drove back my Brother's place. As it turns out, 5 police knocked on the door and I was quickly sent to the psych ward. They kept me over night because I was nodding off and couldn't concentrate.

I wasn't sure what to do when I woke up, but I was directed by a friendly nurse to wait for my doctor which I did so. I met some lady who started going crazy after waiting 15 minutes, and I told her to shut the hell up because I had been sitting in the same waiting room for well over 2 hours and I was still content in my poppy-induced high. Anyway, the doctor eventually came and I told him some truth about my story, lying only in the effort of getting out of there. Fortunately, the doctor said I should stay in the Hospital and I started panicking. He asked "are you going to go through drug withdrawals?", and I naturally responded yes, and he was quick to feed me valium which kept me content as I waited to be up into the psych ward.

The whole event of the psych ward was traumatizing, but the valium helped make it a huge blur. My Mom visited and my Dad and family soon learned the severity of my addiction when I was vomiting and in general sick from withdrawals which I had never met to such an extent before. I met some characters who had their brains fried and had it worse than me, and they helped me get through my 8 day withdrawal hell by calling nurses and in general giving me comfort.

Well, after 8 days I was discharged from the ward and put on anti-depressants. I was on cloud-nine knowing that I was finally through the physical withdrawals. I've had a feq problems since, such as panic attacks and anxiety, as well as one bout of benzo abuse, but other than that I'm feeling good. Sorry for the long post. I still have insomnia, and I thought I might bore fellow insomniacs with my silly story. Life could be worse, much worse, even without drugs, and I'm lucky to have been given the treatment that I was given and get out before it was too late. I'm getting into art and philosophy now after having to quit Uni and work, and I spend my time catching up with old friends and building new bridges.

recap:

It's been exactly three weeks now and I still have trouble with a sleeping pattern. It's getting annoying going to sleep at 8am and waking up realising that I missed the volunteer shift. I only rely on Valerian and magnesium for sleep aid, but I'm considering going to see a doctor again because I never started getting these sleeping problems until after I visited my GP. Also, my sleep patterns give me really scary, vivid dreams. I remember having a nightmare where I woke up, took a snapshot of myself on the webcam and laid back down in my bed when I saw my face in the window and I started panicking thinking that somebody was stalking me - but I quickly came to my senses.
I had another dream today where I climbed a huge bridge and saw a lady jump off it, and I recall distinctly saying, while holding a camera (which I was using to film traffic for an artwork apparently), "The thing that bothered me the most is that this lady jumped - and I didn't care. I just wanted to film it, but she jumped too early." The dreams are extremely vivid and lucid, and sometimes they're in good spirit (i.e. going around walls painting "Junkie" for lols), but these dreams really do concern me sometimes.
 

tricomb

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jan 21, 2012
Messages
13,084
Location
السلام عليكم
Hey anyone posting their story in here is a good person for doing so. Jesus christ I didn't even realize how long my post was until just looking at it now.

It takes a lot to just through it out there. I know its a drug forum, but some stuff just feels really personal. You never know though, you story could truly help someone else.
I agree, I did NOT want to post my personal account of addiction. But I felt I needed to in case it might help someone else realize that this place isn't about getting super fucking high, it's about getting educated and then applying what you learn to your life, and to let people know what drug abuse is really like beyond all the media glamor, beyond Lil Wyte and bullshit artists like him. Oxycontin Xanax Bars Percocets n Lorrrrtaabs, they all ruin lives. Lil Wytes music takes no responsibility for the impact it has on society, especially the media which always love taking a huge spin on things just for their ratings, ever since the media has given up on Investigative Journalism and adopted this Entertainment/Gossip style shit that you see today on most major profit oriented corporations, media giants included. I'm sure the publicity does great things for the Pharmaceutical Industry too, in fact, I know it does, unforutnately. People should know the darker side of the lives they're living.
 

Bottgurl

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 11, 2013
Messages
3
My 25 years of use

Hi
I'm new here so I thought I'd share my story, I'm sure it's not too different than some but if it could help someone, even one, not make a bad choice, I'm all for it. I guess I was a late bloomer when it came to partying, I drank my first wine cooler at 16, but at 17 I realized alcohol was not my DOC, when I hit my first joint, I loved smoking weed and from 17 till 34 always ALWAYS had a bag. I tried Acid for the first time at 17 as well and unfortunately loved it as well, I used 4-5 times a week for about two years, till one night I started throwing up blood, that was it for me, I walked away from it and never looked back. At 18, I did my first line of coke, I was scared to death, I liked it though, but pretty much just stuck with weed until I was in my mid 20's, that's when good ole crank came around, I tried it figuring it would be like coke, boy was I wrong! I fell madly in love with it and used it almost daily for 4 years, I would stay up for 2 weeks straight, then come off for 3-4 days to sleep & eat & then would go right back on it, I've often thought of how rich I would be if I had all the money I spent on that stuff, one day while driving down the road I saw a buddy walking down the street and I swear he was grey, looked just like a walking dead person, I decided right then I was done with crank, it was a little harder to walk away from than acid, but I stayed away completely from the crank crowd and I did it, not one withdraw. Of coarse, I still had my weed and it wasn't long, 2 months maybe I started doing coke on a regular basis, not daily like the crank but pretty close. I woke up one day and decided I was done with that too and I stopped. When I was 30 I fell down a cliff at a local lake and tore all the ligaments in my knee, I didn't have insurance at the time so the local health clinic just gave me a script for Lortab, that's when this life of Opiate hell began, I'm 43 now and have moved from the Lortab up to roxy 15's, not a day goes by I don't have to have my pills. I get a script of 120 a month, which last me about 8 days, after they are gone its time for my husband to get his script filled, same meds, and they last about the same amount of time, we split our scripts 50/50 with each other, the others days of the month we have to either buy or borrow from friends. It sucks and we both hate it, we say every single month that we are either going to ween ourselves off or at least do better and cut back enough so they last, but when you have that bottle sitting there it's just too tempting. I don't think either of us get "high" anymore but still continue to snort them. It's the only drug I haven't been able to just walk away from, I can't, for one, I'm scared of the withdraw, I don't want to go through that. Last month we traded a guy a few of ours for some Suboxen strips, I loved them, for the first time in years I didn't even think about a pill, I felt normal, a feeling I hadn't felt in so long, so, I called all of the doctors in my area who are licensed to write for them, not one takes insurance and the cheapest we could find was $600 for the first visit and $300 for every month after, there's just no way we can afford that, not even for one of us to go. My husband lost his job last year, not bc of pills, but we are in foreclosure now on our house and that is partially due to having to buy pills when we run out, stupid, stupid, stupid. I don't understand how we can let a f'n pill control our lives, but we do, I hope that sometime in the near future I can say we don't but for now I can't. I wish I had never taken the first one, but I did. On the upside, I haven't smoked weed in over 7 years so I guess that's good but honestly I would rather be taking a toke than snorting a pill.
 

Bambooshoot

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 23, 2012
Messages
439
Brief Background: At age 11 my family moved from Scotland to a tiny village in Greece. Through mostly boredom I started smoking fags. At 13 I had my first joint with my dad, I got really talkative and had the munchies, I liked it. At 14 the family fell apart and my dad moved back to Scotland, I broke down as I was closest to my dad and he wouldn't take me with him. He left on my birthday. This is when I started drinking heavily. A couple of months later my Dad brought me home to Scotland. Now 15 I just wanted to get out my face all the time. I found a friend who wanted the same. We would leave school and inhale 3-4 cans of deodorant each tripping. Smoked a lot of weed too. I got a job working in a pharmacy. Through there I met Alison who introduced me to crack. My ultimate goal was to try heroin. I would spend £200-£300 a night on crack at age 15. I finally did get to try heroin and this is when the love affair began. Like most people I started off smoking, very sensibly managing to keep it to once a month for years.

Substances: fags, alcohol, benzos, crack, cocaine, heroin, ketamine, solvents, estacey, MDMA, cannabis, 2CE.
Oh I forgot to mention my 6 month love affair with mephedrone before it was made illegal. In the end it drive be mad though so I had to stop. (ended up in a psych ward) Tried quite a few other RCs including methalone and spice also a few others I can't remember the names of. There are probably quite a few I have forgotten too.

Duration of addiction: I have been addicted to injecting heroin for about 2-3 years now. I'm 21. I also drink regularly. I had a brush with alcohol addiction a few years back but got out before it was too late.

Adverse effects: I've lost all my valuable possessions, my brother doesn't speak to me anymore, I never feel healthy anymore, my whole life circles around getting my next hit. Whether I have to beg, steal or borrow for it. It's really no way to live.

Warnings: I've been following this thread since it started up. It's a fantastic idea. I wasn't ready to share my story but now I've read a lot on here I felt the time was right. The warning I have to anyone reading this is I was using drugs because I wanted to escape what had happened to me but all it does is push it to the back of my mind for those couple of hours I'm high. Then everything comes flooding back. I suffer from PTSD and I feel like maybe if I'd tried to face my problems head on at a younger age I wouldn't still be suffering so much today. So I'd advise if you are using to escape its only temporary. You are better off getting help, then using if you have to. I lost so much with this addiction. But I do have a goal in mind. I've given myself till the end of the year to get off. I have never tried before. I don't want to live this way the rest of my life. So onwards and upwards! Thanks to anyone that took the time to read this. We are all in this together. <3. ~~Bambooshoot~~
 
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dankster320

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 27, 2010
Messages
22
Location
Cali, Southland.
started with bud at 13 curiosity and recreation eager for experiance tryed crystal by 14 didnt stop till 21 when an od nearly killed me, prescribed benzos and norc's for legitimate muscle strain/ spasms from over amping... fell in love with pk's the perky feeling of meth without the destruction, or so i convinced myself.. from there tried oxy, opana.... blahh blahh tryed tar loved it... realized i was a fiend and shook op's cold for a year till again a legit sports injury left me in constant pain so i decided to take em again now back to the love hate affair of oxy and tar at the ripe old age of 24.
 

mugwump

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 29, 2013
Messages
3
Brief Background
27. Grew up in an average asian family. Went to the best high school in the state, decent grades, good uni...

Tell us a little bit about yourself and what led to you using drugs.
A really hot chick sat next to me during a uni tutorial...man, weird how one person can change the entire trajectory of your life. At the time I was greatful. I'd grown up reading about drugs and was interested. Anyway, apparently she thought I was a user...Met her crazy beautiful friends and fell in love with heroin.

Substance(s)
Heroin>ice>coke

Duration of Addiction/Dependence
Now 27, started 18. After I fell into that strange crowd I felt like I was thrown into a parrallel world. My ordinary life, my straight friends still existed, but so too did this other place. It didn't take long before this unreal world, became my everyday life.
I became good friends with a guy who had been using/dealing since he was 15. We became drug buddies, of sorts. Eventually he introduced me to his boss and I started working with him. We'd work a day, bring home a lot of cash and spend the next two days using. This went on for a while, until he got done (6months, my warning to get out). I continued to use, graduated uni and got myself a pretty decent straight job.
I used virtually daily from then to 24. Using daily took its toll. I'd go on the nod in front of my computer numerous times a day. I'd take a few too many mini-breaks to shoot up in the disabled toilet. Eventually they sacked me.
Feeling more sorry for myself than I deserved, I took an easy English teaching job in Japan (took 2 dozen bottles of done with me to smooth out the hanging). For two years I didn't use heroin. I did however start using shabs/coke.
Anyway, I wasn't addicted to either substance really. However, for those 2 years I thought about the needle peircing my flesh, sucking the blood out, before jamming in that sweet oblivion. I can almost say "I thought about it literally everyday"...Anyway, when I touched down back home I had a fit in my arm within 2 hrs. That is, I literally had a fit in my arm within 2 hrs. Two years of yearning made me realise I will NEVER escape from heroin.
Its been a while since I've returned and I've got a steady habit again. I've resigned myself to this now. All I hope to do is not use every day.

How did drugs negatively impact your life. Feel free to discuss IV complications and/or overdoses.
I've never OD'd. I guess heroin to me has made me complacent with my life...friends/family/career. The ambition I had in my younger days drains away a bit more with each shot. That's what I consider my biggest problem with H. A bit of a double edged sword. It makes you content with whatever you're doing, or not doing.

Warnings: The main deterent is withdrawals. Fear of hanging would have stopped my former self from ever starting with drugs (if it were possible to convey that to myself anyway)...The worst thing in the world is waiting for my dealer to be on...Right now its 3am, I'm already teary from the constant yawning. My shirt if off cos I was sweating, but now I'm chilled to the marrow...The knot in my stomache is growing, feels like a growing fist is violently grabbing my innards...God I want to die. All that keeps me sane is knowing that he'll be outside at 9am.
 
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Woodsong

Bluelighter
Joined
May 2, 2011
Messages
233
Location
Georgia, USA
Brief Background

I'm currently 27 at the time of writing this. I've used and abused various substances in the subsequent five or so years, but it all started with opiates... And hell, it started out innocently enough. I worked for my family business since I was 19, and my stepmother was the office manager. I had a severe cold one time: Sore throat, really bad cough, fever, the works. It was pretty obvious that I felt too shitty to work, but being the anal micromanager that she is, I had to get a doctor's note to prove it... This particular doctor, being the kind soul that he is, gave me a little something he told me would relieve my pain: Hydromet (hydrocodone+homatropine syrup). At the time, I had little clue just exactly what he had given me. So, I went home and administered the recommended dose with an oral syringe... "Nah, strike that, let's make it a double, cause I really feel like crap... Hey, this stuff actually tastes pretty good!" ... Thirty minutes later: Not only did I not feel sick anymore ... I felt great! Absolutely fantastic; hell, I could have run a damn marathon if I wanted! So, I did some research. Hydrocodone... An opiate? He gave me that for a cold? Huh! How 'bout that... Sweet. -- That bottle should have lasted me at least a week. A few days later, however, it was gone ... and damn, did I want some more...

Substance(s)

The same doctor that originally gave me the Hydromet syrup? After hurting my back at work and getting in a couple car wrecks, I managed to con him out of bottles and bottles of Lortabs longer than I thought possible without incurring suspicion of drug-seeking... If he was in a good mood and I put on a good enough show, he'd give me the Norco brand, which meant less APAP, which to me meant I could take more without having to worry as much about damaging my liver... Eventually, after so long of doing this, I started to notice that waking up in the morning was starting to feel ... well, I'm sure a lot of you know the feeling. Less than pleasant, to say the least, and I knew I was hooked... More research led to two other easily obtainable substances that I could take between hydrocodone binges to help with what I now knew to be withdrawal: Kratom, and loperamide... This cycle continued on for a while, my tolerance constantly increasing exponentially, until I was introduced to a new co-worker. As it turns out, this guy used to be an addict too! After swapping our stories, I realized that he knew where to get just about anything... Much stronger substances than I had experienced so far. Namely: OXYCODONE, in the form of 30mg Roxicodone tablets. Holy, sweet, mother of God, I had found my new love... My occupation granted me enough money to where I eventually ended up with a 300mg/day oxy habit... My co-worker was now hooked again as well... I could still function, eat, pay my bills, I could still work; hell, I could work my ass off on this stuff, and for the longest time, nobody else had the slightest clue what was going on... (Well, my dad did eventually, but I'll get to that.)

Sure, I experimented with plenty of other opiates and non-opiates in those years, but oxy was my one true love: Hydrocodone of course, codeine, propoxyphene, morphine, heroin, hydromorphone, methadone, fentanyl, etcetera-- and once my dad discovered what was going on, he sent me to his psychiatrist, who put me on buprenorphine... Other drugs included cocaine, pot (I can't stand pot), LSA (H.W.B. seeds), shrooms, amphetamine, methylphenidate, just about every common benzo known to man, and plenty of other things I'm sure... Most of them had their novelty, just not enough to hold my attention for very long... Except for one, which I will mention in a minute...

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

Mentally? I was hooked, line and sinker, from that very first dose of hydrocodone cough syrup... Instant head-over-heels love at first sight... My actual physical dependence lasted for several years. I've kind of lost track at this point... Three or four at least, not including the 16 months I spent on bupe.

Adverse Effects

I mentioned benzos a minute ago... Let's start with those. Most of them didn't really do much for me-- until I discovered Xanax. I don't know why that particular one was different, but the way I'd go through it they might as well have been Skittles... There's not really much to tell in that respect, because honestly, I don't remember much. When I start taking Xanax ... I won't stop. Not until I either run out, or black out. I simply can't. Once Xanax kicks in, I am NOT in control of my actions anymore... What I do know is that it's a Goddamn miracle that I never ended up in either a jail cell or a pine box six feet under because of that stuff-- and that I never developed a physical dependence to it... I ran my truck off the road more times than I can count from blacking out while driving-- yes, driving, and I only remember that because the adrenaline surge must've given me a second or two of lucidity... I've passed out in places and woken up with absolutely no recollection of why I was there or how I got there. One time I woke up in the middle of the floor of my apartment with two black eyes, a really nasty gash on my left shin, and an inexplicable deep puncture wound on my left big toe... I got fired from my family's business, evicted from my apartment and lost my truck-- all ultimately due to Xanax abuse... You'd think I'd have learned my lesson before it got that far. Hell, I'm not sure I have yet. I still (ab)use it from time to time...

As for opiates? Well, they say pot gives you the munchies, right? Same goes for opiates... I weighed 214 pounds before I switched from oxy to buprenorphine. I weigh about 160 now, heh... A lot of people I haven't seen in a while say they barely recognize me.

I have had a couple overdoses. The first was with Fentanyl, which you can read about here if you wish: http://bit.ly/ZCxXaR ... I still have no idea how I actually survived that without medical attention... The next one was more recently. Slight, uh ... relapse, you might say. Another stupid idea inspired by Xanax; 30mg of it, to be exact. I remembered that I had some fresh syringes buried in my closet, so I had someone else (thank God) drive me out to get a few Roxi 30's to play with. (Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time. That's how fucking stupid Xanax makes you...) I snorted one 30 to start with, then shot one, and after puking on myself, I shot the third one... As soon as I slid the needle out, I was gone. Out like a damn light... How I remember any of that when the previous few hours are blanked out, I have no idea-- and AGAIN, how I survived that, especially in that drug combination and those doses, without medical attention is beyond me...

Warnings and Advice

The best advice I can give anyone about drugs? Don't...

Just ... don't. Life is so much better without them, but it seems like it takes an extraordinary amount of suffering and mistakes for a lot of people to ultimately realize that... At least, it did for me. In the end, it's just not fucking worth it. Pardon my language, but it's not... If you're lucky over the course of your drug career, you might end up with a little bit of experience and gritty wisdom that you wouldn't have gained otherwise, and you might even consider those things valuable in some twisted sense; but ask yourself this-- are you really better off having gained it? I ask myself that question every day, and ... my own brain battles between the philosophical and the logical for an answer, and I don't think that battle will ever end... Deep down I know what the sensible answer is, but some part of me actually values what I've been through, and it makes the other half of me sick...

BUT ... People are going to do drugs anyway. So whatever you decide to do, the absolute best thing is to educate yourself. Do as much research on the stuff you put into your body as you can. Know your substance(s), know their chemistry, know your dosages, know your body... It could save you a lot of pain and suffering, and just might save your life...
 

xXblackra1nXx

Greenlighter
Joined
May 7, 2013
Messages
1
Getting off opiates

Ive been addicted to all sorts of pain pills and used all sorts of them to get clean off whatever I was hooked on at the time.. Recently a friend told me about this "Bali Kratom" that works wonders for wd. Well my withdrawals started today and rather than pay $ to get crap that would only further my addiction, i decided to go to a local smoke shop and buy this to try instead... I couldnt be happier with that choice. I bought <no price discussion> and immidiatly downed one of the bags. An hour before this, it was at least 85 degrees out and I was in long pants and a hoodie freeing my butt off!! About 30min tops after downing that godawful powder with some oj, my body temp regulated, i didnt feel like i was in the midst of a panic attack anymore, & i was very very social feeling. A little over an hr later i took 2.5g more... Not sure if it did much more than just 5g. about 15hrs ago i went into wd's and 3hrs later ate the powder...my body still feels relaxed and pretty damn good. I highly recommend kratom for opiate wd as well as pain management.. Ive an extremely messed up spine and other than opiates, kratom is the ONLY thing that relieves it. I cant explain how pissed Ill be if they ban it in Fl :p its nature's gift to pain sufferers!

But, as many people have said, never doing drugs is by far the best route. As someone who has gone through opiate withdrawals more than i can count, i should know.. I was one of those young adults experiencing real freedom for the first time and thought "whats the harm? Its just a pill!" but before you know it, that pill IS your life, and it IS hell. The best advice i could give is stay away from anything but pure cannabis!!!
 
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Jean Prevert

Greenlighter
Joined
May 10, 2013
Messages
1
Brief Background
Tell us a little bit about yourself and what led to you using drugs.
Curiosity and pleasure.
First time drunk at 13. Very hard drinker - 1 to 2 bottles of whisky a day - until recently.
Hashish at 14, and pot on a regular basis then dropped it for booth. Now again as part of the cocktail.
Decided to try coke around my 60's. Was 13% wrong, started at 52.
Very enthusiastic about coke. Maybe a bit too much.


What substances were/are you abusing.
Coke, tobacco, and whisky one a week.

How long were you addicted or dependent on the drugs that you were consuming?
Alcohol: close to 40 years.

How did drugs negatively impact your life. Feel free to discuss IV complications and/or overdoses.
Alcohol: starting now to fathom the impact on dear ones and social image.

Do you have any advice or warnings that you would like to share to those suffering from addiction or are playing with fire?
No. It's a a one man show: discover your own limits, if there are any.


Discuss anything that wasn't addressed above.
Took me 7 months of coke to go from from small intakes to maybe 1-2g/day. I start to know how much is needed to be active for 24 hours, maybe 48 hours. Compared to alcohol incremental consumption it is a fast lane.
Except my gf and consumer-friends, guess it would be very hard to pin down a toxic behavior.
Thought the same about booth: was very wrong.
Availability and price are no issues.
My positive changing of behavior can easily be explained by cutting off so much whisky. I am now socially very acceptable again, and it's kind of malicious.
 

Pudderkiz

Greenlighter
Joined
May 6, 2013
Messages
41
Brief Background

To be honest I can't really say, my whole life I have been lethargic, irritated, anxiety plagued individual, with some severe mental problems (nothing of the sorts you would think i.e Hallucinations or suicidal tendencies). Personally after much debating and self analyzing I've come to the conclusion I have Social Avoidance, witch pretty much is anxiety on steroids. Nothing ill has happened to me, I have a loving family, a good home and the potential for lots of friends. Altough for some reason I've always had a fascination with Weed, and drugged up people I saw in movies, and I kind of idolized them (fucked up right?).. as a kid I could imagine myself being hooked on heroin, be the "cool" guy, something must have really been messed up in my head. The thing about my afliction is that it's curable, by simply facing your fears, and I was able to do that, until I got in contact with drugs.

From the getgo I was seriously aspiring to be a drug addict, by the age of 11 i got my first gram of hashish, I couldn't even roll the joint so I had to get help from some older people I knew, anyways. People found out about it, roumers spread easy, especially at that age, and my mother caught wind of it (I was also contacting people on sites like bluelight for sources on weed seeds so I could start growing my own, witch she found out about). I guess that pinged some alarm bells in her head I needed serious help. I was also having serious fits of rage where I would break down doors and threaten my family member with knives (don't misunderstand, it was a means of coping, of escaping their naging and my preception of them harassing me, just like drugs, an escape, pull up a knife, and they would just leave me alone).

So, my mother beggs me and says we need to get some help, alright I say, I don't want to live miserable like this aswell, I don't want this anymore then you do. So we went to a Psychiatric and took some test, came out with ADHD (witch I kind of still struggle with some denial for) and put on Concerta (long acting methylphenidate). Most of that time is a blurr, but I functioned quite well, you could say. I was calmer, more quiet in class, but it didn't really help my social problems tough. I don't know what came first, the chicken or the egg but I got pretty heavily into video games at that time, and World of Warcraft, another pass time addiction. At the age of 16 I had a "revelation" and decided to quit my medication, I suppose I had some sort of delusion that I was almighty god without it, a creative genious with no limits, hah, pft.

Substance(s)

Amphetamines, pretty much all of them. Cocaine, Ketamine, MDMA, LSD, Shrooms, 2C-i, 2C-E, 2C-B (one of my all time favorites), AMT, MDPV and probably a handful of others, most of them were a one time thing, not much abused.

I started with weed, when I quit the ADHD medicine I had an incredible arch of increased confidence and mental calmness, mostly because I started practicing parkour, it was very helpful to me at the time. But since I had no friends from my previous addiction to World of Warcraft I needed to get some new ones, and what better way then alcohol to seem people? I started drinking every weekend and met up with some likeminded individuals, let's just call him R, he's still my best friend even tough he went trough rehab, is living somewhere else, and I didn't. I'm still living in the town where I had the worst time of my drug addiction and am doing "fine", witch is to say I am surviving, not without daily depression and lethargia tough.

Anyways back to it, I befriended him and we started writing rap songs together, and smoking weed. Actually one of the main reasons I got to know him in the first place was so that I could get weed, pretty fuckin sneakish, but yeah, we became good friends in the end. Smoking on the weekends became an everyday affair for prob three years, but it started giving me panick attacks and I stopped smoking, as my anxiety increased to a daily struggle people couln'd recognize me as my real self no more, and I didn't really know anyone who didn't smoke weed and I didn't have the mental strenght to go out and do something about it, so I lingered. My best friend comes to me one day and explains to me I have to try this MDMA stuff thats gotten here, I tought what the hell, this sounds too good to pass on, and here we go. MDMA pretty much every weekend until I got my first line of meth and wallop, gone.
Before I much further I have to say I was not a heavy user by any means, well, not for long anyways, but because of already described mental state it was a recepie for disaster. We would sit up for three days straight, writing, drawing talking about the same old stuff, and then take the comdown, sleep for two days and be back at it. This went on probably trough a whole winter and halfway to summer, pretty much wrecking my school grades (they werent that good to begin with) my family, as my mother was recently diagnosed with cancer, and, I should have been there, but I chose the meth instead.


Duration of Addiction/Dependence

I fell in love with Meth, it cured all my problems at once it seemed, the lethargy, the social awkwardness (or so I tought), the constant feelings of hate and disgust I had towards myself and the world, and for the first time in my life I could feel like I had the energy to pursue my goals. But as we all know, there is no fairytale ending in this crap. I became just a downer, I was berating myself and my friends for their addiction yet I couldnt get out of it myself, I don't know where my hate/love relationship with anything that feels good comes from, but it's probably a large part of the whole problem that I was mending with meth. I abused it for half a year, and in that time I became homeless, lost my job, got busted more times then I can count and nearly went to jail. I never stole, I never sold drugs to keep of my habit, I would just leech of the people closest to me, my bestfriend, who dealt sold and did all kinds of shit, I hated dealing, I hated the whole idea of making money on it, I don't know, maybe I'm some sort of idealist or something, with my head too far up in the clouds. There was no way I could leave my house let alone get anything done without meth in my system, and I looked like a skeleton with eyes as big as billiard balls.

Adverse Effects

I OD'd a couple of times, but never the kind where you have to go to the hospital, well, maybe I should have gone there, but I didn't, I rode most of it out.
You become mentally dependant on this shit, it will make you feel like the king of the world until you need it just to get up in the morning so that you can stand and talk to yourself in the mirror for four hours straight and then do some other meaningless task to perfection. Adverse effects? I'm not sure, I would probably have been better off not doing it, for a time when I was in recovery, I often tought I might have had permanent braindamage. The thing about meth is that it little by little kills your dopamine receptors, meaning for every hit of meth you take you will lower your ability of happiness another notch in the future. You will do stupid shit, you will hurt people and you will change in ways you couldnt imagine, and not for the better.

Warnings and Advice

My advice is that drugs will eventually turn on you, the best way, even tough painfull, and not everyone can make it, is to face your own fears. The best thing you can do is try to identify those fears first, you need to know the nature of the beast to bring it down, and I certainly didn't, I still dont. Now, I use benzos to calm myself down and to downright just be able to go to school everyday, yes, I'm even scared of going to school, just being outside my room with my family is an ordeal, but it's not the kind of ordeal that "hey, I feel uncomfortable because x n x", your mind just twists and mingles with you and you rage for no reason. I am glad people who are healthy can experiment with drugs to widen their prefirery, personally, I find it bullshit, I never learned shit from all the acid and shrooms I took over several occasions, like any drug they are temporary reliefs of everyday boring lives, I'm not arguing they can benefit you in your creative work, but I don't think they make you smarter, it's just an illusions as most drugs are. The only way that change comes is trough the inside, not by means of chemicals.

Miscellaneous

Complex background, complex problems. I'm not looking to defeat whatever sour-negative outlook I have on life, I'm just looking to bear with it, and do the best I can do while I can.
 

dankhead88

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 19, 2005
Messages
925
Brief Background

I'm currently 24 turning 25. I really got interested in drugs in 7th grade. Never actually tried drugs until 8th grade, but my school library had books about drugs. Quaaludes, Cocaine, Anti-Depressants, Depressants, Designer Drugs, etc. I've researched addiction and effects of drugs and "accidental overdoses" and whatnot. 8th grade was when things changed for me when I first tried Adderall and then smoked pot.

Substance(s)

It all started when I was 7 years old. I was diagnosed with ADHD and was prescribed to 5mg Ritalin. I took two in the morning and 1 during lunch. After my parents saw my grades improved, they stopped my medication. I felt that I needed the pills. I eventually found where they hid it, and started self-medicating, taking 4 at a time some days until 3rd grade came. When I ran out, I was desperate. So I proceeded to put water in the empty pill bottle, shook it up and drank the solution, hoping to feel something.

Jumping to 9th grade, I was experimenting with opiate medications when I was prescribed to hydrocodone cough syrup. My guardian at the time was giving me the dosage, until I've found out what it was, but my bottle was empty when I found out, so I couldn't experiment, but little did they know, there was a refill in the mail by walgreens. I eventually found my love for opiates, eventually taking six Tylenol 3 and three to five lortab 5/500s.

at 10th grade, I started reading a lot of information on drugs. reading on pharmacological profiles, experiences, effects, adverse effects, dangerous combos, and dosages.(which was actually the time when I first joined bluelight, boy was my sentence structures horrible back then, but hey, I was young, heh.)

Ecstasy was my first "crazy" drug during that time, and I was taking them quite often(not a lot but I was taking a good bit at 16 years of age.) Then it was just a lot of pot and opiates whenever I can get my hands on them.

when I became 21 I've found an Oxycontin hookup, eventually spending a lot of money on drugs. Buying two OC80s, five 30mg Roxicodones, and a soma, whilst smoking lots of pot. I eventually got addicted, but not to the point where the withdrawals were severe, but they were definitely a bit painful and bothersome, but then I got arrested for marijuana possession, which got me probation, so I could not afford opiates anymore, so eventually I became an alcoholic, drinking morning, lunch, break, in the car, on the job, after work, at bars, and whatnot, until I've met a beautiful girl, so I became clean for a good bit, but eventually after going out for pretty much a year and finishing probation, we often got into fights and whatnot and she eventually broke it off with me and I became devastated. I started buying dexedrines, roxicodones, lortabs, xanax, and percocets quite often, and I was often endangering the people around me and myself, getting sleep deprived and mixing medication along with masking psychological pain from a loss of a loved one while working two jobs.
Eventually, I went to Heroin when my friend was able to get some. Snorting it every week when I'm able to get some. Spending about 40 dollars a week, I eventually gave IV a try, then that is when things went downhill from there. Went from spending 40 a week to eventually spending 150-250 a week. Eventually I got fired from my day job, and I was unable to pay for my car payments, due to addiction. I was also helping my heroin dealer drive to places, running errands for him for free heroin, cigarettes, and gasoline. Sometimes driving for 4 hours with him in the car, with him and his girlfriend nodding off in broad daylight. Often stopping back at his house just to get my next fix after traveling.

Drinking and shooting up driving on the highway, my parents eventually found out why I wasn't paying for my car after seeing trackmarks. We got in a huge fight and my father took my car away for a whole month, while my mother drove me to work. I had to endure my job whilst going through heroin withdrawal. Customers looked at me weird, and I was in absolute pain. Only thing that was helping me was alcohol, ibuprofen(bad idea with alcohol), and loperamide(which helped with diarrhea, and a little bit on the other withdrawal symptoms. I went back to drinking again, spending 80-120 dollars on bar tabs at where I work. My mom would always smell alcohol on me when she picked me up, but I was at least able to pay for my car which eventually, I was able to get my car back. After that my drinking got much worse, buying cheaper drinks at the liquor store, driving drunk every night. I eventually told myself to stop and I became clean for a good few months, until I got a klonopin hookup. Then I felt a bit of the addictive tendencies again, binging 2mg klonopins for two weeks straight and drinking alcohol. Eventually, I was oversleeping and got fired at my night job, but luckily I found another job quick.

Once again, I was clean, until I met a beautiful girl that I had a crush on, but she had a boyfriend already. Turned out, she had methamphetamine hookups, and we started doing meth often with her boyfriend and her friends, then I found myself with another dealer, helping him out and getting free methamphetamine, cigarettes, and gasoline. I was spending 40 dollars on methamphetamine until I eventually started spending about 120-140 a week because it was more affordable than heroin and at the time I was thinking I was getting a lot accomplished, but really, I was delusional from over stimulation from IVing too much and sleep deprivation. I was also enrolled in school during that time, and I felt that it could help me with school. It did for 2 months, but eventually, I started buying more methamphetamine and started skipping school if I didn't have methamphetamine at hand. I failed all my classes, and my parents once again found out and they took my car away, and even wouldn't let me go to my job. Being off of meth wasn't so bad though, just 3 days of sleeping in. Then I eventually became jobless for a while.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

As far as duration of addiction. I was binging heroin, alcohol, and opiates for a year.

Methamphetamine was a 4 month binge for me. It got to the point where my tolerance was at the point where I could eat and stop grinding my jaws on it no matter how much I IV or smoke. It also made me realize I waste a lot of time, looking in the carpet.

Lately, I've been IVing heroin again, but not to the point where I need it. Just here and there.

Adverse Effects

My careless actions affected me negatively, by having destructive and impulsive tendencies, which got me fired at a lot of jobs. Trying my best to play it safe. Trying my best to not reach chemical dependency again.

Warnings and Advice

One warning I will give is I cannot stop you from what you're doing, but once you try it, you've planted a seed. It's all up to you on how you want to treat the plant. Stop it from growing any bigger, let it go out of control where it kills all other plants around you that you've worked hard on raising and growing, or don't plant the seed at all.

Miscellaneous

I wish I didn't have such an addictive personality. When I workout and stay sober I'm fine, but once I do some drugs, I become impulsive and almost destructive. I feel weak when I get to that level. Sigh, it's all part of growing up and learning how to deal with it I suppose.
 
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AlphaOdure

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 7, 2003
Messages
1,417
Location
eastern U.S; great lakes area; big city
5 years of sobriety from opioid full-agonists. I was at 30mg of fentanyl & heroin.. usually transitioning between IV dope & smoking fentanyl to avoid scarring (btw- when i was using opioid, i had access to the Duragesic formula.. which contained the gel; easily evaporated into a crystal-like substance which can be in turn smoked or easily IV'd--which I don't recommend, you'll pass out w/ a rig in your arm). Fentanyl is a motherfucking dangerous substance. In all honesty? Fucking diacetylmorphine (heroin) should be legalized for medical use in place of goddamn fentanyl. I had more problems with over-shooting my dose w/ fentanyl (which is fucking pure!! & easy to determine the exact milligram.. usually; well, at least compared to street dope) than i EVER had w/ heroin.


I was the NA guru for years, sponsored three other dudes at one point.. but, sorry for any of those who it works for; but it's a fucking joke. I am an atheist; a "recovering christian" (as mythology is an interest to me, i've read the bible twice, qu'ran once, torah twice; if that doesn't turn you into an atheist, i don't know what will) ;) & meetings are centered around impassable, pseudo-supernatural dogma (e.g., using buprenorphine as an opioid replacement therapy is just as bad as shooting dope.. WTF?!?).. i know the "basic text" has several updated versions; but not very much was changed. Not to mention the cliques that develop; & manipulation between intrapersonal relationships that goes on (addicts can be manipulative people). So, i take my recovery to psychologists.. & trained professionals. Not Billy-boy who's clean from fucking weed for 10 years. BUUT that's just me. Hey, if it works for YOU? As it did for me at one point in my life? Go for it. Just be guarded w/ who you befriend and be shrewd w/ your trust, lest you get taken advantage of.


Anyway, given my current medications... i might as well be "using". i am on buprenorphine (Subutex formula).. THAT i'm not worried about. What i'm concerned w/ is my butalbital intake (a barbiturate, commonly known by its several popular trade names that contain butalbital: fioricet, fiorinal): for the last 2 years i've been on 1750mg-2000mg/day.. procured via "online pharmacies" mostly, but also via a doctor's script (which makes up a literal FRACTION of my daily intake).. i am on butalbital for severe pain from back damage/trauma (since i cannot, nor wish to, use opioids for break through pain). I was originally on carisoprodol (soma) until it was controlled (once of those individuals that found this drug miraculous; more effective than benzodiazepines)... I found zero withdrawal transitioning (leading me to believe carisoprodol acts on barbiturate, rather than BZP, GABA-a binding sites)... but, i was on carisoprodol for 3 years; got my tolerance up to 12,250mg-14,000mg per day (for those a bit slow 8) that is 35-40 tablets, 350mg each, per day) before transitioning to butalbital. So that's roughly ~5 years on GABAergics.
 
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