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HR ⫸Personal Accounts of Addiction: What's YOUR Story?⫷

brutus

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Nov 30, 2006
Messages
8,646
Location
In the Sky With Diamonds
Do you want to help others by sharing your stories about past or even present addictions that you suffered? Do you feel that your experiences could help just one individual stray from a destructive lifestyle?

If so, PM one of the Other Drugs moderators with your tale of addiction if you wish to remain anonymous. But please utilize the format that is on the second post in order to maintain some sense of organization if you choose to post in this thread.

Write as little as you want or write a novella, just as long as you feel that your story may help someone along the way.

This thread will remained closely monitored any off topic posts will be unapproved. Those that are interested can perhaps avoid the devastating disease of addiction that too many of us have suffered through.

Please do not post in here unless you've shared your personal story of addiction, your posts are likely to be UA'd due to the above stated reason.
 
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brutus

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Nov 30, 2006
Messages
8,646
Location
In the Sky With Diamonds
Brief Background

Tell us a little bit about yourself and what led to you using drugs.

Substance(s)

What substances were/are you abusing.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

How long were you addicted or dependent on the drugs that you were consuming?

Adverse Effects

How did drugs negatively impact your life. Feel free to discuss IV complications and/or overdoses.

Warnings and Advice

Do you have any advice or warnings that you would like to share to those suffering from addiction or are playing with fire?

Miscellaneous

Discuss anything that wasn't addressed above.
 
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brutus

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Nov 30, 2006
Messages
8,646
Location
In the Sky With Diamonds
Brief Background

The first time I thought that drugs may not all be bad was when I was in elementary school and saw our D.A.R.E. officer smoking a cigarette immediately after telling us how horrible tobacco truly was. He literally walked outside right after class and lit up a cigarette, so although I was young, that made the gears in my head start turning and soon I began to question a great deal of things that I was taught.

I started smoking pot when I was 14 and somehow I ended up discovering Erowid and Bluelight. All of a sudden I learned that all of these drugs really sounded like a lot of fun. Soon I figured out that all these drugs were around me.

Substance(s)

I lost count on how many different drugs that I tried throughout my lifetime. Last time I counted, I was around 40, mostly pharmaceuticals. I've done every mainstream drug minus heroin and Opana. I never had a problem with any of the other drugs, but opiates were my downfall.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

My opiate addiction started out small just like everyone else. But soon I discovered a practically endless supply of various drugs and that's when things got interesting. By this time I was 16, making way too much money legally then I honestly knew what to do with it.

Within a six month window, I went from taking 20mg of hydrocodone to get high to taking 100mg of methadone just to feel normal. Which lead to two overdoses because I stupidly mixed them with benzos. I went to a very well respected rehab but as soon as I got a chance, I got high once I got home.

Eventually that led to a year being on Suboxone before I stopped taking it and soon I was smoking fentanyl and doing Oxycontin daily. I never meant to become addicted again, but I guess we never do. I was taking an average of 80-120mg a day for a good year on average before getting on MMT then bupe.

I am now a year clean from opiates.

Adverse Effects

I can't even begin to count the ways that opiates have fucked up my life. After a whole year of being clean, I am just now starting to feel "normal" after 7 years of abusing opiates.

I was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital after one of my overdoses. After being shocked twice, my heart started beating again and I was in a coma for a few days. All of my organs suffered severe damage from lack of oxygen and no one expected me to live. I had a team of doctors fighting to save my life and not a single one of them can explain how I am alive today or how I do not have any kind of damage from being dead. I overdosed at my "best friend's" house and instead of calling 911, he dragged my body to the road and shoved a plethora of drugs in my pockets before someone found me.

I was just about agnostic before overdosing like that. But having 20 doctors tell you that they can't explain why you are alive really made me believe in God. I know that I have a purpose in life now.

Warnings and Advice

Never be afraid/ashamed to ask for help both in real life or on Bluelight.

Listen to what people say about the dangers of drugs because you are not invincible.

Drugs can occasionally be a good thing in moderation, but there's a fine line between moderation and abuse. Sometimes it can be impossible to tell the difference between the two.

No drug is worth your life.

You will eventually reach a point where the drugs don't work anymore and they just make everything worse.

Miscellaneous

If anyone needs to talk about anything, feel free to PM me.
 

Mr.Scagnattie

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 3, 2004
Messages
12,867
Location
NYC, the heroin hall of fame.
My Addiction Story: Where are all my veins?

Brief Background

I started using drugs at a very young age.. not nessecarily by todays standards, as kids are expierimeting with sex and drugs a lot earlier, but back when I started, being a 13 year old heroin addict was not the norm.

Anyway, I started with all the usuals: Weed, booze, cigarettes, acid, shrooms, etc. That began when I was around 10. I was always really mature for my age so I had a lot of older friends. By 13 I started doing coke, pills, and quickly developed a fascination with heroin. All of my idols, Kurt Cobain, Layne Staley, etc, were heroin addicts, and being young and naive, I glamorized being a junkie to an insane and unhealthy degree.

I met some new "friends" who were in their mid twenties one day at a coffee house. I found out they were heroin addicts and wham. That was it. I lied about my age, got them to give it to me, and fell in love. I fell pretty fast after that. I snorted it for all of about 4 months before I asked them for a needle.

Substance(s)

I've used basically everything under the sun but finding heroin was like finding a lost love I didn't know I had... it filled a missing piece of me and once I tried it, every other drug I'd done paled in comparison. IV cocaine/crack also became a very large problem, even more so than the heroin at one point.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

I first tried heroin and began the road to addiction over 10 years ago. I am in my mid twenties now. It's still going on to this day.

Adverse Effects

Like I said... when I started, I fell fast and I fell hard. In 8th grade I had my first overdose. It took place at school during 1st period. I drank a bunch of whiskey on the bus and shot 4 bags in the bathroom. I dropped like a sack of bricks and would have died right there at the ripe old age of 13 had my friends not have found me and got a teacher.

I've overdosed many times since then. Been brought back with narcan, cold water, you name it. I've also brought back many friends who have OD'ed.. some made it, some didn't. Death unfortunately is an unavoidable part of this life and I've racked up quite the list of dead friends.

I've collapsed more veins than I can count. My arms and hands look like a war zone and those scars are a constant reminder of the life I've chosen to live.

I've lost almost everyone I loved. Eventually, they just get tired of your shit and they walk away. At the end of the day when you're an addict, your simply left just plain alone, with only your drugs to numb you.


Warnings and Advice

Being on Bluelight, I see a lot of posts asking "how to use heroin and not get addicted", "how to avoid withdrawal and still use" etc. etc. The fact of the matter is that the chances of you being able to do that are slim to none. Maybe you're one of the .1% who can pull it off and if so, good for you. But I've never met anybody, in over 10 years of using, who could do that with any regularity or long-term status. They all end up strung out sooner or later and chances are you will too.

Don't let your own ego or desire to "experience life" drive you into the clutches of this bull shit. There are a lot of good things out there in this world.. things you'll never get to see if you choose drugs over living.

If you need help, don't be afraid to try anything and everything. Rehab, 12 steps, whatever it is.

Miscellaneous

There is a fine line between experimenting with drugs and being completely consumed and ruined by them.. the problem is that you usually don't know when you're about to cross it, and once you do, there's no going back. I can't tell you where that line is for you.. it's different for everybody, but my story isn't unique. This happens every day to people of all races, income classes, cities, etc. Addiction can hit you at any time, no matter what your history is.

The people I know who got clean and stayed that way.. they did it because they were truly and entirely done. They hated their life and were finally just over it. They wanted it bad enough to stop. Not for their wives, girlfriends, parents, the courts.. nobody else but themselves. You need to want to get better for yourself.



Good luck to you guys. We could all use it.

-Scagnattie
 
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curiosity

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 6, 2010
Messages
429
Location
quebec, canada
Brief Background

I was 14 when substances started to interest me more, I first tried alcohol around this time and found it was the time of my life, stuck to drinking for a little while then around the time i turned 15 i decided to try smoking weed, I didn't really see anything that great about it but over time it grew on me, alcohol was still preferred at the time though then eventually that changed and i began trying the usuals e, speed etc

Substance(s)

there was a point when i was just abusing substances in general but the specific ones were alcohol,ecstacy, and speed

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

so i geuss my first dependance, even though it wasn't really a problem was the first time I became dependant on alcohol, I was the kid in school that no one talked to except a few old friends, long hair, everyone thought i had a hitlist etc etc, I was lonely, to shy to interact with many people, and definitely to shy and insecure to try for a girlfriend, so i began stealing my parent's alcohol about 5 days a week, they'd never notice due to the amount they kept in the house, this eventually died off when i got tired of hangovers and made the transition to weed, i thought i was in the clear given weed isn't really bad for you but of course after a while i wanted more so i tried ecstacy and speed and it started off once every few months, then every month, then every 2 weeks, every week and eventually every second day(sober days were recovery days) this got quite out of hand so i cut back to once a month or 2 which at the time was quite hard and every time i would do it i'd overcompensate for how long i had to wait causing me to feel quite ill for a while after every use, this continued after broke up with my first girlfriend but due to the break up and me being young and dumb I was depressed and at the time found alcohol was the only solution since at this point i no longer enjoyed weed, so i began drinking every day, skipping school, stealing alcohol from grocery stores etc, then i met R, we met on one of those ecstacy/speed fuelled nights, and the next time i saw her i was planning on asking her out but still being as insecure as i was i was stressed and did speed the night before and the night of asking her out with no sleep and no food leading to a terrible crash/psychosis which was the last time i did speed, I told my friend who was quite built to beat the living shit out of me if i ever did speed again,so I dated R and got my alcohol consumption under control, I dont know why but in the 3 months i dated her i fell really hard for her, then we broke up and i picked up the bottle again (17 at this point) started drinking every day, weekends would drink quite excessively, then the summer came and i turned 18 and sometimes i would binge drink for 3 days in a row playing beerpong etc anything to keep my mind off her then one night i drank a 26oz of tequila to myself and had this great idea i was going to do ecstacy again, so i bought pill that were quite potent and and ended up taking 4 and a half in total that night, the psychosis/crash was like no other, but that night i started talked to a really nice girl online and the next day i had psychosis fuelled epiphany which lead me to putting down all substances for a month before i started to drink once a week again and keep it under control, this was alll due to this girl she helped me get through it all, i'm not sure if i'd be alive right now if it wasnt for her with how excessive my partying was getting to this day(19 now) I havent had any dependancy problems other then caffeine and cigs, I still use drugs(no ecstacy or speed) on occaison but i make sure there substances that i cannot obtain again or would have a very difficult time obtaining to prevent any future addictions, also within this time period i tried a fairly large number of other substances and had many drug phases but i only felt the ones mentioned were the signifacant ones when it comes to dependancy

Adverse Effects

bad marks in school, increased stuttering, increased social anxiety, easily stressed now, and lost a lot of friends along the way.

Warnings and Advice

Do not underestimate the power of any substance when it comes dependancy.
Use responsibly and in moderation, if you see frequency of use rising AT ALL, take a break
DO NOT LET DRUGS BE YOUR MAIN SOURCE OF ENJOYMENT
stay in school

Miscellaneous

after a year and a half of being free of addiction I am almost the top of my class in school, am in pretty decent physical shape, loving life, and still talking to that wonderful girl who saved my life, we're crazy about eachother and really hope to be together one day, she lives over a 20 hour drive away though :\
 
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Znegative

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 15, 2010
Messages
6,029
Location
NYC/Oakland/Columbus OH
Brief Background
I think that my relationship/obsession with drugs can probably be rooted back to when I was 10 years old and diagnosed and then hospitalized for OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). Nothing seemed to work but eventually I was put on Sertraline/Zoloft (an SSRI), and within two weeks the disorder that had pretty much left me debilitated (OCD is horrible, a lot of people have the impression that its all about washing hands) was completely gone-thanks to pharmaceuticals. Of course my OCD resurfaced in highschool along with BDD (Body dysmorphic Disorder), prompting me to seek comfort in Alchohol and weed at around the are of 14-15. Highschool was hard for me due to the fact that I was incredibly shy, awkward with the ladies and some problems with my home life. I dabbled here and there with cocaine (insufflated), but it wasn't often. The first week of college though was when I first tried heroin (AFAIK it's the first opiate I ever used), and it didn't take long for things to get ut of hand.

By the summer time I was sent in patient for sniffing heroin, and two weeks after my arrival I was kicked out as my roomate had brought in smack and taught me how to shoot it. And thus began my career as an IV drug user.

Substances:
Though I've experimented with a large array of different substances, I would say that IV heroin/Opiates is my number one addiction. Whenever I've gotten clean, heroin was the culprit when I relapsed. While Heroin is in many ways my top drug of choice, a close second would be IV cocaine and other intravenous stimulants as well. I would argue that IV cocaine has been a much more destructive force in my life, as have the other stimulants I've had shootings binges with, such as MDPV (actually more addicting than IV coke), Mephedrone, 3-fluoromethcathinone and Methamphetamine. Though slamming coke does not create a physical dependency like opiates and benzodiazepines do, it causes me to be incredibly reckless, self destructive and above all else, desperate to a degree that I would have never known had it not been for using cocaine through this ROA.

Finally, the last family of drugs that I have a problem with are benzodiazepines. Along with being physically dependent on opiates, I am also dependent on benzo's and have been for almost three years, to varying degrees. For a long time was able to easily maintain on 1mg of clonazepam and I rarely strayed from my dosing regiment, but within the last month I've been screwing up a bit too much for my liking, using a bunch of clonazepam for a few days and then having to buy it (or alprazolam) through other sources, or worse yet, just putting up with the WD until I can get my script again. Two weeks ago I went from taking 2-7mg a day to nothing for six days. Luckily it takes about 48 hours (when you've been taking high dosages of clonazepam) for any real withdrawal symptoms to start to occur, but after three days it starts to get pretty bad, and by day six it was truly horrible-had I not ended up getting some benzo's that day I probably would have had a seizure as I was already beginning to spasm, have facial ticks, and lost all control over my emotions. Since then I've still been struggling to stay at my prescribed dose, failing more than not and taking some alprazolam in addition on certain days.

Anyway, I would also like to say that there is one drug that I have unfortunately not used in a long time that I actually don't find problematic to my life, but on the contrary, beneficial, and that is Dextroamphetamine (be it Dexadrine, Adderall, or Lisdexamphetamine-the prodrug). Dextroamphetamine is one of the few stimulants that I take responsibly (well, I mean, I don't shoot it, I plug it or take it orally, and rarely redose and never take more than 30mg in a day). I am actually looking for a doctor now so I can get a script for it as I have been diagnosed and prescribed it in the past, and while it helps with my ADD, it also greatly reduces my cravings for other drugs, especially cocaine and oddly enough, opiates. I also mentioned that I have OCD, and while one would think that amphetamines would exacerbate such a disorders symptoms, it instead greatly diminishes them.

Duration of Addiction:
I have been using substances for over ten years, though my addiction truly began seven years ago when I started using heroin. In those seven years I've been clean for about 10 months to a year (collectively, and if you deem being on maintenance as still being clean).

Adverse Effects:
I have definitely put my body and my spirit through a lot of turmoil with my addiction. Physically, I have overdosed two times on opiates (both when using a combination of alprazolam and methadone, and one time with the addition of fentanyl and heroin as well), and two times on cocaine. I have also been hospitalized over seven times for acute asthma attacks brought on by an allergic reaction to one of the cuts in the heroin I was getting, and my longest hospital stay was six weeks after I contracted MRSA from shooting coke and speed pills with an old dirty needle. I've also permanently destroyed nearly every vein in both arms and hands, and accidentally shot into an artery once as well-luckily I escaped that massive fuck up without any serious damage.

By far the cocaine overdoses were far more frightening, and I am lucky to be alive. I remember one night I had been shooting coke for fur hours straight and I saved my last shot of coke to mix with some heroin for a speedball before going to bed. I did the shot while in bed, and turned the lights out. After the bellringer faded I started to feel an insane surge of blood rush to my head and became dizzy. The next thing I knew, I was heaving and gasping for air. It was like having an intense asthma attack while on crack. I kept rocking back in forth, afraid to call out for help...I just kept on trying to breath, and the last thing I remember before passing out was 'this is it, I'm going to die'. It is surely a miracle I woke up the next day.

Perhaps the worst damage though has been what my addiction to these drugs has done to my soul. I've lost the trust of many friends, and certainly my family. I have gone to incredibly desperate measures to buy drugs, and to this day I am left with nearly any personal belongings because I sold them all. I only probably still have this iPad because 1)its screen is cracked, and 2) I need it in order to moderate my forums on bluelight-one of the few things that gives me great pride, even when living in an active addiction.

I think the most horrible experience though that is caused by addiction is the complete and total desperation. I used to steal jewelery or whatever things I could that might be of value and walk down the avenues of Brooklyn and try to sell them to random people I would go up to on the street. I remember one such night, I had been out in the cold for five hours trying to make twenty bucks so I could buy a bag of crack, and I saw this guy who worked at a comic book store I would frequent in middle school. I went up to him and asked if I could 'bum' a ciggarette, and he shook his head and said 'no, go home Znegative, you look like shit." I've had people say worse things to me for sure, but that was one of the most stinging moments of my life and I will not forget it. In that instance this fucking loser, comic book clerk, had managed to destroy and steal from me whatever last shred of dignity I had left.

Miscellaneous:
I have a deep empathy for those that struggle with addiction or other maladies that are stygmatized so strongly by our culture (yet also so glorified). Like many junky's before me, I always thought that once I did all the drugs I wanted to and checked them off my list, I would then be able to quit without any sense of loss or regret. I've gone through periods where I've been a highly functioning addict, who like everyone else in NY rode the train with a cup of coffee in one hand and treated myself to sushi lunches in the village..I even have held a habit for periods of time and flourished in school and achieved many other accomplishments, all the while shooting heroin or crack in my schools bathrooms during our breaks. But more than not I've found myself scrounging up nickels to make enough money to get just one bag of dope, or shooting up with the homeless in restaurant basements and on public park benches. I've shared cookers and needles, and have been blessed to be negative for both HIV and Hep C.

Warning and Advice:
There is not glory in being a junky, as a dope fiend I've ultimately found myself in more pain than not, and blinded to the fucked reality of my situation by the very drugs that put me there.
 

hatrix

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 10, 2011
Messages
1,147
Location
House by the lake
LONG POST. I'M SLIGHTLY SPEEDING, SO IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG RAMBLE, BUT A GOOD STORY NONE THE LESS =D

Brief Background

To start, a little bit of info on the people I live around is necessary. My mother, dad, step-dad, brothers, cousins and aunts/uncles all have/do smoke weed and it was a "secret" from me for most of my life because of my young age, though I had found a bowl or two laying around in the house and been told they were something else. Given how young I was, I thought nothing of it and accepted whatever answer I was given. Throughout elementary school and into middle school, I noticed a lot of hush hush behavior with my brothers and mother and step dad (as parents are divorced). I one time eavesdropped on my brothers door to the attic when he was hanging with friends, he was in high school at the time and had 10 years on me age wise, and heard him saying things like "it's better if you smoke it..... blah blah etc". I knew it was something about drugs and it made me feel like my life was sort of messed up because I lived in a house with family who secretly did drugs around a elementary school kid, me. The biggest red flag that really turned my world upside down was one day when I was home alone. A friend of my mothers, a black man who came over to drink/party sometimes, come to our front door (as I watched thru the front windows) and dropped a baggy into the mail chute. I opened the foyer door to look at what it was and it was a small baggy filled with a white powder or rocks, I can't specifically remember what the consistency was, just that it was white and most certainly drugs. I was like wtf..... omg. I was probably in 5th or 6th grade at the time, so I was 10 or 11. The black guy came to the side door and asked if my mom was home, I said no. He came in, grabbed the baggy, said forget this happened and then proceeded to leave. This had confirmed my suspicion that my mom was doing something more than weed, and arguments between my step dad and mom further proved it. In one argument he called her a crack whore and a bad mother, as they screamed at each other while I was in my room listening to it all. I had never said anything about the white baggy or been confronted about it, thankfully. It definitely made me feel "messed up" as a child. Not that I was awkward or weird or anything, just that I thought it was fucked that my mom and others in my house were doing hard drugs.

Now I've moved around quite a bit, and of course got older and more wiser. It eventually became pretty damn apparent my parents smoked weed. I believe my mom kicked the crack habit sometime back but I'm not exactly sure when (she admitted she had the habit actually a couple months ago ! Funny thing about it, being older now we could talk about it). But back to the story. I had peeped through windows at my step dad smoking weed out of an acrylic red and black water bong, it left me with feelings of slight betrayal and just confused. I really didn't know how to take it. This was my in eighth grade to my freshman year in high school. Now I knew my cousin smoked weed and she didn't really care to hide it, and even did it with my parents when she came over sometimes, but obviously without my being in the room or knowing. One day though they left and I went out with my cousin to the barn in the backyard while she smoked a bowl from the bong I mentioned earlier. I had hung out with her before when she was smoking, but never had any interest. My stance on drugs throughout life was never really that they were bad or good, I never really had a "stance" so to say. She said try a hit from the bong, and I said ok I guess so. First time smoking, and first time with a bong so pretty nervous about it and didn't really know how to do it. Not really sure if I got "high", I just know I only took one hit and then we went inside and played video games. That was my first interaction with drugs, weed, and nothing else happened for another year or so at all.

New high school, 10-12th grade. The kids I made friends with were normal kids, just like me, no involvement in drugs or anything bad. Hung out with them for a long while, we were all great friends. Problems arose in the group, and friends sort of split up and I started to hang out with a different group of friends, ones who who everyone knew were pot heads/druggies. I started to smoke weed with them, regularly. This further alienated me from my other group of "friends" as they didn't do drugs and pretty much cast me out (all except my still current and pretty much only friend). I hung out with my new friends for my last couple years of high school, every day after school, smoking lots of weed and always high. The group only ever had high quality weed and hated mids/reggies. Things like sour diesel, lemon g, grandaddy purple, etc. were pretty common. I bought plenty of grams throughout the years and definitely was considered a stoner to people in my school, as they knew who I hung out with. Now the group didn't really do much besides weed, but there was one friend in the group who sold shrooms. I had seen them 10+ times when he sold them to people where we hung out, but never really had interest. I would have, say they were given to me for free, but never bought any and he stopped selling eventually. All my friends did smoke cigarettes however, and many times tried to get me to smoke but I was the ONLY one who didn't smoke cigarettes and still to this day don't. They did drink sometimes when they had parties, and I got wasted a few times playing pong and then smoking blunts at parties. My mom eventually asked if I had weed, and I said yea and I shared some with her. She admitted to smoking all these years, I said I knew blah blah now it's nothing that's hidden in the house and no big deal. My parents still smoke weed, although only commercial grade, every day to this day.

Now graduation came eventually, and at this point I was hanging with my drug friends less and less. We were tight and all, but it just kind of split up and my social life started to become almost nonexistent, other than my girlfriend who I have been dating for years. Now in between dating my girlfriend, there was a period were we broke up. I was talking with this girl who was a close friend every now and then before, and then during the period of break up and we eventually hung out multiple times and smoked/fucked. Never really officially dated, but hung out and smoked a lot. So I went to a concert with her and her friend one night, and her friend had ecstacy tabs. I had never taken anything remotely hard beyond weed and alcohol, but said sure why not. The tabs turned out to be bad, and I didn't feel anything and was pretty disappointed. My friend then proceeded to tell me about the "molly" the gas station sells in a pill capsule that is awesome, but said she had a bad experience and to stay away from it, that it was poison. I was curious though, and ended up buying two of the capsules. This was like 2 and half years ago, maybe more. I bought the second for my male friend, and we hung out that night and both took our capsule. They were a branded "bath salt" at the time called "Ultra Molly". I rolled hard as FUCK that night, had the best time of my life, rolling for upwards to 8-10 hours and felt sooooo incredibly AMAZING, as did my friend. He was a regular stoner, but definitely loved the experience.

Couldn't resist trying it again, and bought more to try by myself at home after coming home from college classes. Did this about 15+ times, each time an amazingly beautiful roll that lasted 6-8 hours. I had so much euphoria I would lay on the ground in front of my floor standing speakers listening to Skrillex and be filled with waves and waves of euphoria from each song that played. It was beautiful.

I do believe this capsules contained Mephedrone. I have no way of ever confirming it, but based on duration, effects etc. I almost 95% positive it was Mephedrone or 4-MMC. I had shared these with my mother and brother, who also enjoyed them during the time they could be bought. Eventually some sort of ban on selling gas stations came about, and a cop was at the gas station when I drove past and I never bought any more since. Trying to research what exactly I took led me to sites like drugs-forums and Bluelight. I got into RCs and learned lots of info. I read and read and read some more. Eventually I made my first online RC order through the mail, 250mg of JWH-210, a synthetic cannabinoid. I received a black vinyl bag with a white powder in it. I was unsure of how to dose it, what the dosage was, and also had no scale to speak of. Lets just say I was very ignorant of drugs still at the time. The day I got it I dipped my finger in the bag and ate a small amount off my finger, about and hour and half before I had to work (dumbest idea ever........). Ended up getting high as FUCK for hours later while at work and felt completely depersonalized, to the point I thought it was so obvious I was impaired. I was super paranoid the entire work shift, but by the time I got off it had died down a lot thankfully and nothing bad happened.

This began my venture into online RCs.

Substances

Now, I've had an extensive list of substances. I'm going to list all I can remember, might miss some, but you'll get the idea that I've tried whatever I could get a sample of at the time.

I have tried: JWH-210, JWH-250, JWH-200, JWH-018, JWH-081, AM-1248, AM-2204, UR-144, RCS-4 (in the form of a hash like substance), Dimethocaine (useless lol), 4-MEC, 4-FA, 4-FMA, 4-EMC, Pentedrone, Pentylone, 4-MMC, Methylone, Butylone, a-PVP, 5-APB, 6-APB, Dextroamphetamine, Methylphenidate, 2C-I, 4-AcO-DET, DOC, Shrooms (one time, bad trip), 25i-NBOME, Phenazepam, Alprazolam, Diazepam, Lorazepam, Etizolam, DXM, MXE, Hydrocodone, Oxycodone, Methadone, Heroin, and within the week Buprenorphine.

Sheesh, that's 41 substances. There's probably something I just can't think of I've tried.... It's been a lot over the past 2-3 years.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

I want to state, I never did any drugs to escape problems like a lot of people seem to do, I only do drugs to entertain myself while on the computer, relax and just chill, etc. and MAINLY to enhance music. Chasing music enhancement stems from my incredible experiences with 4-MMC.

It started with synthetic cannabinoids, as they were super cheap in comparison to the weed I was used to buying, and offered a similar high. I bought a few JWH powders, but eventually tried some blends made by vendors with the ratios and cannabinoids used listed. I bought a blend exclusively from one guys about 4 times, and enjoyed it highly. It lasted a long time, and was fluffy and tasted great. Shared it with my step dad who said he preferred regular weed instead, but took a hit every once in a while. Eventually sampled AM-2201 and AM-1248. AM-1248 is where I first fucked up. I had it in powder form and it was brand new to the market when I sampled it, with little to no reports. Anyways, it really doesn't differ much from AM-2204 other than its duration, which is incredibly short (thank god). I dosed by eyeballing an amount of powder on the tip of a knife and placing it in the bowl of my bong that had tobacco ash in it. As soon as I took the hit, I KNEW it was way to much. Experience the so called "fear" as everyone calls it, and thought I was going to fucking die right there and was freaking out, thinking I knew fucking with drugs was going to get me killed or land me in the hospital. But its literally 35 minutes duration had the effects were off quickly and I was baseline in like 40 minutes back to normal. Still smoked it until I used it all, ODd on it once more unfortunately. Eventually read info that had some scientific backing about how bad synthetic cannabinoids were and I completely stopped using them. After this I could no longer smoke weed, I got bad anxiety no matter what.... I smoked it for 3 years straight without a problem and after messing with synthetic noids for a while, am now stricken with anxiety issues but I'll talk about that more in adverse effects.

Eventually I sampled other things and moved on, learning synthetic cannabinoids are terrible for you and have swore them off. Haven't had any synth noids in close to a year now. Tried to source new stimulants that would rival 4-MMC. I was constantly searching for that high again, but still to this day never found it. Could be I lost the magic, could be that a lot of RC stims just suck. Closest I got is with 4-FA. I've been using 4-FA off and on for about a 2 years now. Never binged on it, and usually spaced out doses with a week or two in between. LATELY, I've had a bit of a problem taking Adderall and 4-FA multiple days in a row for weeks now. Not everyday, but enough to build a noticeable tolerance to the desirable effects. I still have yet to try pure MDMA, which I'm sure will live up to my expectations from 4-MMC, if not surpass them.

I'm not very big into psychedelics, they make me feel "off" whenever I take them and with most Phenethylamines I get the annoying leg twitches/tremors and feel jittery. I took 2C-I around 4-5 times, once while at a dubstep show (where I experience no negative effects, with really strengthens the point that setting plays a big role in drug experience !!!!!!). Every other time I was at home and felt uneasy during most of the trips but thought they were decently fun. Shrooms was a terrible trip as I mentioned above, just wanted it to end shortly after eating them. I only did DOC once, it was very comparable to 2C-I but with more of an LSD like feel (though I haven't tried LSD, just from what I've read on effects/feelings). It did however last WAY to long, though I knew it going in, and by 8 hours or so I was just ready for it to end... During the middle of trip shit went bad and I had kaleidoscope vision along with a racing heart and had to lie down for like 45 minutes before it passed. Not to sure why it happened, but I was watching a movie when I straight up hallucinated things happening in the movie that i KNEW weren't there but looked so damn real then noticed my vision was fucked. My last psychedelic experience was with 4-AcO-DET, and you can find my report on it in the Big N Dandy thread. It is the best psychedelic I've tried to date. Zero negative feelings, everything was super interesting and fun and very retrospective, and I was asleep 4.5 hours after dosing.

So I'm still always searching for a comparable drug to my 4-MMC experience other than 4-FA, and tried a-PVP. THIS single experience is another huge ass reason I get anxiety every time I take a stimulant. Insufflated 25-30mg and got pretty high with a LOT of euphoria for a about 20 minutes before shit went south. Heart started beating out of my chest like crazy, got scared I was going to have a heart attack. At one point, my heart rate was up to 186 BPM ! Thought I was dead as fuck but I settled down after hours of pacing and laying down. Bad time. A huge reason I'll NEVER binge on stimulants and will NEVER become addicted to any stimulant. I get to much anxiety. I take them when I have a benzo only now a days.

So from the info above, I was never addicted to anyone one substance really. I was more addicted to being "high" on something than anything else. I tried whatever I could get, but of course after reading as much as I could find on it. I should also mention I bought a scale a long while back when I realized I HAD to have one.

Now for my actual addiction. Around November-December 2011, I was sent a generous 1g sample of MXE. It was amazing, I fell in love with it after a couple uses. I was sent 2 more samples, which varied in potency but in the end provided the same effect. I started off by taking it orally for the first couple months, and holed many times. The hole is what I really was chasing after. What I would do is work my dosage up to a hole. Take 30mg, play some Skyrim for a couple hours, redose 30mg again and then once more at which point I was certain to be able to hole. I'd then lay in my bed with my headphones on, close my eyes and start a playlist of electronic music. The closed eyed visuals were extremely space like, and accompanied by the tempo/beat of the music was an extremely strong sensation of my body moving through space, up, down, side to side. I would go through tunnels and go on a sort of musical journey that was mind blowing to me and I LOVED doing it. It was incredible music enhancement and I felt like every song I listened to was made for that exact purpose. I eventually switched ROAs to sublingual, which was much more efficient BA wise, and continued my MXE use. When I first started, it was every couple days. Sometimes multiple days in a row, but not everyday. Chasing the hole though, I ended up using MXE every single night I had it. I ordered it 1g at a time. When I had switched to sublingual, my starting dosage was around 30-35mg. That got me pretty high, and I would mainly play Skyrim and get lost in its world with all the dissociation. It was a wonderful feeling, full of warmth and euphoria.

Throughout my MXE use, I went through multiple vendors. This means the quality and consistency of the product often varied. I did stick with some vendors for extended periods of time, but my main one eventually closed business. I learned that there were different kinds of MXE. One with a more "manic" high that got me more fucked up, not necesarrily in a good way, with incredibly random doses. I sought out the off white granular kind, it was the original high I got and had the best hole experience for music. The other kind for some reason couldn't bring me to the same hole, it had a darker feeling to it and persistently trying to make it happen is where my MXE use became a problem to my parents. I experienced what I want to call an MXE "blackout". I was dosing like normal, but with a different than normal vendors product (the one with more mania), slowly working my way up with 30-40mg sublingual doses every 30-45 minutes or so. This happened to me probably about 6 times. Only 2 had my parents aware. The first time it happened, I don't really remember to much. I must have taken to much, and thought my entire "life" was actually a controlled experiment and that I wasn't really part of society. That I was just being observed. I sat up in my bed and looked around. My TV looked like it was smashed and broken, and all the lights were on in the hallway and were super bright. I started freaking out, wondering what was happening. I went into the spare bedroom, and somehow saw the room as completely empty, missing the two beds, dresser and tv in it. I even turned the light on and continued to panic more. I ran downstairs and tried to open the front door of the house, when I realized the door knob was gone (though it really wasn't), and was completely freaking the fuck out. Sort of becomes fuzzy there and then I came too in my bed with my mother sitting beside my bed. I kept thinking the DEA had raided the house, and was having audio hallucinations that sounded like the house was being sprayed with something around the perimeter. I kept asking my mom why is the DEA here and she said there not, you're just having a bad trip. I eventually settled down and came to reality. To this date those have to be the most realistic hallucinations I've ever had. Everything that was in a room was GONE in my eyes, with the light on. I just saw empty bed frames and that was it, and the door knob missing on the front door was another mind fuck. I couldn't escape the house.

My parents warned me this better not happen again and I tried explaining it was a new batch and that I don't know how or why it happened. I still don't really know how the fuck it happened. I wasn't taking extreme doses, just doing what I always do. This ended up happening AGAIN with my parents calming me down with a similar batch again, just not exactly the same hallucinations. I don't remember what happened that time, just that I was told I had a MXE freakout again. I was pissed it had happened again, and still completely baffled. This is where my parents said I'm not allowed to do it anymore. While I'm an adult and have my own job, go to college, I still live with them and they unfortunately dictate what I can and can't do.

Of course, this didn't stop me for to long. They took my MXE away along with my scale. My step dad was furious about it, my mother more so just concerned. She was more friendly about drug use then he was, and after a week without use persuaded her to give it back to me. Didn't have any problems for about 5 days or so of use until once again I noticed I had gotten to a hole like state of scary delusion. These are the states that happened 4 more times or so but were contained to my room and never woke anyone up. In my MXE induced state, I thought there was a group of people in my room watching the TV with me, and that there was some sort of awards show or something on that was aimed at me and I had influence over. It's hard to explain exactly what it was, but it was definitely some sort of scary hole I was in. The thing that was reoccurring and alerted me to the fact I was having another bad MXE experience was my iPhone looking like it had been melted or broken, with the screen still working though, but misshapen in my hand and felt gooey. Also the presence of other people in the room, though not distinct as it always seemed like i FELT like they were there but never actually saw them distinguishably. Either way it always ended up with this TV thing where I was interacting with the program on TV and it was being broadcasted live to everyone in the US. God I wish I could explain this better.

Even with all that I still continued to use MXE. However, one night I gave some 4-MEC to my parents and my step dad insufflated a little to much and apparently had a small panic attack. They came upstairs high and started yelling at me saying all my drugs are out of the house and are going to be thrown away, it's all done with. Took my entire drug box, which had quite the collection going mind you, and pitched it all (besides the stimulants which my mother secretly kept, as she still does 4-FA and adderall and shit to be more productive behind my step dads back). I tried arguing with them they were just high and weren't thinking straight, which they weren't really. They accused me of being high, but I was actually perfectly sober playing Skyrim on the computer. Either way, my shit was thrown out and my scale hidden somewhere.

Few weeks passed and I decided to try to order MXE and get the mail before they do. I only ever do drugs at nighttime in my room after it gets dark, and getting away with MXE use will be easy, assuming I don't have any more freakouts. Looking back on this, this was clear psychological addiction. I definitely wanted to keep doing MXE, even after I was told I couldn't have it. I put cash on a moneypak so a charge to my debit card wouldn't be seen, and ordered a gram. Found my scale in a cupboard, and eventually got the MXE in the mail and started doing it again every night. Didn't experience to many more "bad" experiences. I mostly got moderately high and played CoD and other games. Not sure exactly when, but my ROA had switched from sublingual to plugging (after much debate since I had never done it before), and had been using that ROA ever since. I would plug 30-40mg and continually redose throughout the night with the same amount 3-5 times then fall asleep. This is probably 3 months into daily addiction, including the forced break. I continued to do it in secret and did a fairly good job at hiding it. Sometimes though my I would talk to my brother when he came over after dosing and he would ask me the next day why my speech was slurred, to which I never noticed it was. I even tried recording myself speaking while on MXE and couldn't tell.

Gosh this is long, sorry to anyone who decides to read this. Anyways, eventually my brother and mom asked and I said yea I had been using it again and she said just don't ever comedown stairs while on MXE so my step dad doesn't see me on it. So I continued to use MXE daily, all the way until January 12th, 2013. By this time, my dosage was MUCH to high. I made a post in the 11th Big N Dandy thread saying I'm done for no, there's no good effects at even heroic doses anymore. I'll just quote it instead of restating it:

Well I'm done with MXE for a while. There's no point in doing it anymore, I literally get no effect from super high doses. My tolerance is just crazy and honestly I've probably destroyed whatever receptor was giving me the high. I went through a single gram I ordered in 2 nights, then thought maybe it was just a bad batch so ordered another gram. Almost went through the entire gram in a single night. I would keep plugging around 60-80mg every 10 minutes or so and didn't feel much of anything. I mean I was slightly messed up but it was like it just made me feel normal.

I thought ill just up the dose, tried plugging 120mg, still didn't feel much of anything. Tried the same dose about 15 minutes later. Nope. So yea no point for a while. I have been using MXE almost daily for over a year now. It wasn't daily for the first few months but it's probably been close to daily for about 8 months or so. Every night when I get home from work or class I will stay up for a few hours doing MXE while on the computer then just pass out.

It was fun. Shit is terribly addictive though. Haven't had any MXE in like 4 days or so. Not really missing it honestly.
I was very much psychologically addicted to MXE. It has been exactly 1 month and 14 days since I last used MXE. To be honest, this is just a tolerance break. I haven't had any real thoughts about wanting it or tried to source it at all, but I've already decided I'm going to again eventually, I just need my tolerance to lower some to make it worth my time. In the end, guess I'm still psychologically addicted, but the past month and 14 days haven't really given a thought about MXE. Only typing this out has made me want to do some, meaning I'll probably source it within a month......

Currently I'm doing whatever I get my hands on, as I have ZERO money to spend on drugs. I have been trading xanax for Adderall, taking some of my mothers 4-FA with permission, and sourcing opiates from somewhere where I earn the money without having to do anything, but only make enough for small amounts every few weeks. I refilled my Xanax script today, though it's an incredibly low dose. 0.25 x20 :( I don't use it recreationally really, just for comedowns and as needed for my anxiety problems. I'm getting tired of uppers though and should have my Buprenorphine soon. It's a single suboxone film, but should give me 16x 0.5mg doses since I have extremely little tolerance.

Adverse Effects

Now I despise stimulant comedowns and always experience anxiety during stimulant use, after and during the comedown and still some the next day usually, and I believe a single dose of 4-FA (130mg orally) that was from a bad batch that put me in the hospital plays a big role in my stimulant anxiety, along with my synthetic cannabinoid use. I dosed 130mgs of 4-FA during the middle of the day with my girlfriend, I only gave her around 95mgs, and we ended up messing around pretty much the entire night until I took her home. I eventually started to get tingling in my extremities that started spreading throughout my entire body. I felt very faint, and everytime I got up experienced head rushes and would fall to the ground. So I had to get up very slowly to prevent this. Thought my blood pressure was out of wack, and tried pacing around, tried taking a hot shower, also tried laying down but nothing seemed to make the feeling I had go away. This was all accompanied by a racing heart. Eventually I was pacing in circles downstairs and my step dad asked me what was wrong. I said I dunno, think it might be what I took. He asked if I was ok, and I said no I think I need to go to the hospital. The body tingling was getting extreme and starting to scare me. He woke up my mother and they took me to the hospital. During the car ride the tingling started to take over my entire head and I felt like my vision was fading. Thought I was going to die in the car but get into the ER and they gave me an ativan and made me drink charcoal.

Doctors diagnosis was Hypokalemia, or low potassium levels. They were dangerously low according to him, and said it's most likely the reason I felt the tingling and my heart was having palpitations/racing. Electrolyte imbalances are can be deadly and I'm definitely lucky to be alive. I might actually have died if I didn't go to the hospital. Ever since then I always make sure to eat something with potassium in it and take magnesium when taking a stimulant, along with staying hydrated.

My synthetic cannabinoid use, in my opinion, is the reason I have an anxiety disorder. I think MXE has also contributed to it, as sometimes the day after use would be full of depersonalization and feeling manic with over bright vision.

So long term effects I still experience from my drug use is anxiety and also noticeable changes in short term memory and vision. My short term memory BLOWS from MXE use, but is noticeably getting better. My vision if staring at a white wall or looking outside on a bright day has noticeable static or fuzz, but it doesn't interfere with anything I do and is only really noticeable when I look for it.

Other than that, my MXE use hasn't caused any known problems. Might have slightly altered my personality, but I'm not sure as that's something I wouldn't really notice myself....

Warnings and Advice

What can I saw, I do MXE because it basically has no hangover, has no comedown, and no other real negative effects to speak off. It offers me a high I love and want every night.

But if you can, stay away from it. There's a reason so many people post in the MXE thread, it's easy as fuck to get psychologically addicted to it if you like it when you try it. You'll want it again.

Miscellaneous

Sorry, this post is huge. But maybe it'll help someone out, who knows. Thought I'd share my story of how I came to know drugs and where I am now.
 

tricomb

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^Oh yeah, the whole stealing your parents medication thing is something that needs to be addressed TODAY unless you want to burn your last bridges. I will never forget or forgive the first and the last time I did that. Absolutely destroyed a sense of trust that you've been instilled with since birth. It's pretty soul destroying to have the full wrath of one's mother unloaded onto you AS IF YOU WERE NOT HER SON because you are her son.

She ever catches you stealing her roxis, you will never forget, you will never forgive yourself, and part of your mom might not ever be able to forget if not forgive that. It TRULY is a phenomenon that happens VERY regularly, kids stealing meds from their parents, and it's a serious fucking problem. One slip can destroy the family dynamic you've become used to over the last 16 years. I have no right, or maybe I have every right, that aside, please reconsider taking medication that does not belong to you, let alone pain medication from the person who gave you life.

----

This all prompts me to say SOMETHING about me I guess. I might do it in pieces this really isn't a good time (will there ever be?). But yeah, I have stood idly by for the past ten years as I allowed the drugs to rule my life, to control every aspect of my life. Heroin, what's the big fucking deal. Cocaine? Meth? Pharmaceuticals? And so begins the endless quests for euphoria........ Because you deserve it right? Because you didn't deserve to be treated like life did, because maybe you were curious and had beyond every conceivable incentive to even try to benefit any potential relief from synthetic sources, When you CANT, WONT, or SHOULDNT deal with the underlying conditions?

Sure, there were tons of "stressors", triggers, trauma etc that fed into it, but I'd say that my knowledge and willingness to experience was my downfall. I was always interested in pharmacology, growing the finest medical marijuana, and I have ALWAYS preferred pharmaceuticals to street drugs because there is actual quality control and you get what you pay for, you don't have to worry that your drug was smuggled into the country in some mules asshole. Knowledge is power, so when you add in + experience, that feeling of power grew. I felt in control because I felt I knew what was going on even down to the biochemical level. If it weren't for tolerance and addiction in general, that false confidence I possessed, the same false confidence that I see EVERY DAY here on bluelight, would have been the end of me. I would be dead and gone, like most other addicts.

Really fucked up things can happen when even you don't know what's going on. All I knew, was that I had been so stupid, to think "no, YOU won't ever get addicted." While my peers were learning algebra, I was probably shooting dope with the Nortenos and the Surenos, I have NEVER been gang affiliated, but during this time, a lot of my friends were being initiated.... blood in...blood out... Never was my thing. I didn't want "to tote guns and shoot dice" to quote Biggie Smalls, but I poured my 40oz on the ground for the homies that weren't around... both the nortenos and the surenos, I'll just say, the gangs, they liked me.

I spoke the language fluently, which gave me incredible street cred. I wasn't just that "El drogado Gringo que sabe lo que dice", because I knew too much about drugs at such a young age, but I was an asset to them, "el junkie medico/ el doctor bueno". A lot of the crews would bang dope (speedballs of heroin, cocaine, and/or methamphetamine.). Their HR, or lack thereof, was astonishing and knowing I was putting myself in danger, would approach some of these thugs and start talking to them about better prep processes, safer veins to hit, Because by then I was already shooting dope, I would bring, and give out clean syringes and isopropyl alcohol and better filtration (all drug depending), teaching them about Hepatitis, HIV, and other blood-borne diseases. For the most part, I was treated with the same respect that I brought to the table.

It felt good to get some people to stop using a single disposable plastic syringe over 10 times, (and they wonder why their arms are weeping blood) and I dunno, I've just always sorta been the type to empathize more with the underdog,

I watched over the years as cocaine was basically phased out in sharp decline since the 90's as the meth generation boomed. (SHOCKING NEWS: METHAMPHETAMINE CAUSES EPIDEMICS) I was never interested in dealing drugs, just consuming them. The perks of free drugs (of much higher than street quality, since I would get the drug before they'd cut it for resale) and the feeling of "protection" the crews gave me, well it lost it's glamor fast and I soon became to fear for my life because I was regularly seen with gang affiliated members, and I did NOT wish to be affiliated. Legal problems and shit arose, and a bunch of abuse. Obviously the consequences of my drug abuse and basically everything was catching up with me and I wanted out. I hated the needle that I loved. The mushroom cloud on registration. I put as much distance between myself and my old lifestyle as I could.

I'm still an active addict.... in recovery. Who now has some WISDOM to back up the original KNOWLEDGE I thought was sufficient enough to base serious lifestyle choices on.

I don't really go into specific substances because I'm a huge poly drug user, but you pretty much name it, I did it (within reason), and would identify myself primarily as an opioid addict, although if there were a category for EUPHORIA ADDICTION, that section/label would be MUCH more appropriate for me.
 

OntarioGuy

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 26, 2008
Messages
1,663
Location
Canada
Brief Background

I started Smoking Weed by seeing my parents do it and hanging around with kids a few years older then I was.I was 11-12.
So I started smoking bud after school etc. then before school, that old chestnut.Then my dad started smoking with me when I was 13.When I was 14 i got an 18 year old GF and she introduced me to Oxycontin.

Substance(s)
I've used pretty much every mainstream drug...i've robbed a vet for vials of ketamine and Dilaudid and valium.I got Addicted to Opiates Via intra nasal Oxycontin use with my lover at the time.Back then they weren't that well known and very cheap. I could afford to do 3 80 mg tabs a day no problem. Eventually at age 15 I saw my family doctor, broke down cried, told him i was spending all the money my deceased mother had left me on opiates and he wrote me a script for 3 80 mg Oxycontins and 3 40 mg's a day. my Gf was recieveing 3 40's a day, with three 10's a day and percocets. I was a full blown addict, quit school, alienated myself from my family...All I cared about was Dope and my Girl.

Eventually at age 16 I enrolled in the local methadone clinic which had just opened up.I stayed on that for a while and had problems.They opioids caused me constipation to the point where my lower intestine ruptured and I had to have an emergency surgery. After the surgery I was taken off methadone and put on Fentanyl and hydromophone.I stayed on the Fentanyl and Dillies for a while, then switched to methadone again.

I then was kicked out of the program for fighting another client.I Went to my original family doctor who first Rx'd me the Oxy and he put me on 2x200 mg morphine tablets p.o 3 times daily...This was when I got into IV. I realized by IV'ing I didnt have to use nearly as much. but it led to me shooting coke, Meth, anything really...I was about 18 by this time.

Eventually I Again switched to Methadone, and developed a severe Xanax problem along with it...I detoxed from the benzos,dropped methadone and got another RX for morphine which again I started shooting...Eventually I got busted for shooting them and am nowa again currently,and for the 4th time on Methadone, 110 mg's daily.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence
So I developed an opioid dependency in between the ages of 14-15 and am still using methadone for maintenance and I am 23 now, sow 8-9 years of use.and 12 years of drug use in general. I now get all my carries and dont use any drugs except for marijuana and the occasional benzo if needed.

Adverse Effects
Well By getting into IV I ruined my relationship with my Gf, embarassed my family, to the point where some won't talk to me, I put myself in a coma for 2 weeks, then bed ridden for 2 weeks.I had to relearn how to wal again.

Iv opiate use has been detrimental to my mental and physical health, and has damaged my relationships with ppl who care for me.


Warnings and Advice

I just want to warn anybody chipping on opiates to be careful, do not use for several consecutive days and if possible use any ROA other then IV injection.
 

Bob Loblaw

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Mar 1, 2008
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yolimo
I first got high when I was 14. I was so naïve about what I was doing--taking DXM "triple c's"--that I put them on a napkin beside the sink in a restaurant bathroom as I struggled to swallow them, with no attempt given to conceal them to anyone who entered the bathroom. It was cool, whatever, then I started exploring in med cabinets for old Rxes & then added street drugs as my connects increased. Then I found other ways to get drugs...

By the time I was 16 I had smoked crack and taken 2C-B; 17 brought a BL modstick, meth, heroin & needles, with most of the drugs the average person has heard of. I liked everything about drugs, buying selling using researching, and they liked me. My first problem emerged in fall 2009. I was abusing the hell out of mephedrone and couldn't stop on my own. My parents caught me, so I quit for a few months, then went back to selling & chipping.

I moved out at 18 to live with my best friend & also to party as much as possible through the end of high school. The last two weeks before graduation got bad. I got a gramme of powder diazepam & went on a nice bender AP exam week. The night before graduation rehearsal I ODed on heroin (and perhaps some lingering diaz. from the night prior), took a shot, pulled the needle out thinking 'holy fuck that's a rush' & woke a few hours later after a Suboxone was put under my tongue. From then on it was basically a quest to sell drugs for basic expenses & to buy more drugs to get as wasted as possible every day. I lasted about 2 months before my hustle fell apart, I was destitute crashing at my parents' house, and I lost my first friend to drugs. If anyone remembers the former mod tobala... :(. I got in a spat with one of my sisters & told her about how I'd wanted to kill myself a week or two earlier, so my parents freaked out & sent me to rehab.

I didn't care for it & didn't believe I was an addict. Hell, they had me take the DSM-IV and read the difference between drug abuse & drug addiction. I came back home & went right back to getting high. Not too long after, I ODed on a shot of mephedrone & heroin, suffering a TIA (mini-stroke). Scariest thing in my whole fuckin' life. The doc's own words were, "If your brain had been getting the same amount of reduced oxygen a few seconds longer, you'd be in a wheechair/nursing home for the rest of your life. In my opinion, if you use drugs again, this is going to happen."

You can guess what happened next. I kept getting high, moved out of my parents, got an apartment & a girlfriend. When I had my own place, we got drunk a lot & high occasionally. My roommate went batshit crazy, so I moved back with Mom. I began to drink & shoot dope more than anything else & got kicked out a few months later, right before I turned 19. I moved in with this other chick; now I'm only shooting dope with her & drinking when I don't have enough bread for boy. By then end of that month I ODed on clonazepam & heroin, passing out on my left arm for 10 hours. I woke up & could barely move or feel it. Two years later I still don't have complete sensation like I used to.

I moved back in with my parents & kept everything under control until November when I got kicked out... again. I was doing dope more & more until I got my second DWI when I nodded out and rear-ended somebody on the highway I never even saw. I decided I needed help, so I went up to a yearlong programme. I made it as long as 8 months clean by the time I graduated, but then I quit wanting to stay clean... So I fucked up. I got caught after a few uses & got kicked out. Now here I am at an Oxford house, trying again to succeed.
 
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tricomb

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holy shit man I can really relate to so many parts of your story. I'm really really sorry for everything you've gone through and I hope that shit gets better, not worse.:(
 

MemphisX3

Bluelighter
Joined
May 26, 2004
Messages
11,885
Location
Memphrica
Brief Background

I am a 27 year old male from Memphis, TN. The first time I smoked pot I was 13 years old. I began drinking at 16 and also used xanax for the first time at 16. I loved pot, I loved drinking, more importantly I loved the party lifestyle, every where i went, i was the life of the party. people bought me drinks and gave me drugs where ever i went. in high school leaving my senior year i had to have 2 phones because my contact list was so big. I had drug tests my senior year so at this point i began abusing mushrooms.

Substance(s)

I have tried any drug you can think of with the exception of RC's and Crack cocaine. When i graduated high school i went full force on the weed. it wasnt until the winter after senior year that i took to cocaine. i did cocaine everyday for a full year. one day i decided enough was enough and quit cocaine....due to some medical problems i was in constant pain from age 13 (sheurmann's kyphosis) which soon led me to opiates. i would eat 4 10mg hydrocodone in one sitting. i thought i found the answer to everything, not only did opiates make my mental anguish disappear, it also put my pain at bay. soon i found oxycontin and was snorting 20mg lines. this carried on for a little over a year until it got to expensive, enter heroin. i thought heroin was cool for the longest time, i was actually addicted to heroin for a year before i realized i had a serious problem, this was in 2005. i started snorting heroin but it wasnt long until i began IVing it. I thought heroin was the mother of all drugs, the drug that put the others to rest....that is until i found out about dilaudid. soon i switched from heroin to dilaudid for personal reasons, a main one being that its better for pain control.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

i was dependent on opiates from 2005-2011....there were times when i would go a few months without but for the most part i was active in addiction for 6 years. after i had my surgery (12 level spinal fusion) it was time to see if the surgery had helped with my back pain. In August of 2010 (3 months after surgery) i went cold turkey from heroin, soon i started abusing dilaudid again but was still in the mind set that i had to get off opiates. i cant remember the exact day but a female friend had convinced me to stop IVing dilaudid in hopes that we could be together, i did, this was early 2011. since then i have i slowed WAY down on opiates. i still inject dilaudid every now and then (the main reason being its the only opiates on the street i can get and i cant find a doctor to help me out) while i still IV dilaudid to control pain i havent been "dependent" for over a year.

Adverse Effects

i never overdosed. i have brought back one girl from an overdose via mouth to mouth resuscitation, which led to a bout of PTSD. all of my friends eventually abandoned me, as did the majority of my family. i contracted hep-c from a dirty syringe and have yet to seek treatment. i have scars on my right arm from constant IV use. i am sure my internal organs have also suffered from shooting pills. it took my confidence, it made me feel like i didnt deserve anything good in life, it filled my life with shame and anger, it helped me drive myself into complete isolation and block off anyone that ever cared about me. IT LEGITIMATELY CHANGES THE CHEMISTRY IN YOUR BRAIN.

Warnings and Advice

there really isnt much someone else can tell someone who is planning on using heroin. imo once you get on the train of thought there isnt much that will stop you. in truth, most heroin addicts i have seen have been set up by genetics and nature. people dont wake up and decide to be a heroin addict, most, if not all, are running from something that eats them up inside. for me it was a number of things...i didnt start to understand how to stay sober until i figured out that i must fix what drives me to use to be successful with sobriety. I would advise anyone who plans on doing heroin to just stay clear. there is nothing glamorous about heroin and heroin use. it turns your brain inside out and will turn you into someone you will eventually hate. most people do not make it out of this lifestyle. i advise anyone who is currently addicted to take a step back and come to terms with what drives you to use, wether it be some child hood trauma, family issues, mental issues, what have you. you have to get a hold on what drives you to use before you can successfully kick any habit, whether is be drugs, gambling, sex or anything else that turns your life into shit.
 
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Bob Loblaw

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Nice post, Memph. ^Thanks man, I'm thinking I've fucked my life up enough for right now aha; time for some positivity now.
 

MemphisX3

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for having limited time and energy, you wrote an incredible post.
thanks man

Nice post, Memph. ^Thanks man, I'm thinking I've fucked my life up enough for right now aha; time for some positivity now.
thanks man
Can you explain what this in itself entailed?

Thanks for sharing your story memphis. I wish you the best man. <3
thanks dude, and yes sure you can.


ummmmm, my senior year of high school my school decided to give everyone in the school drug tests twice a year (catholic private school). i found a good plug for caps and stems and began buying them every weekend...i literally tripped every weekend for a good 4 months. i would go to field parties tripping my balls off, basketball games, volleyball games, football games, one morning i even ate 2 chocolates and had to leave during second period because i couldnt stop laughing....what an interesting drive home that was... i also began to sell them eventually when people figured out what i was doing/ what i was on. it was a great time tbqh.


i think this is an excellent idea for a thread, btw. good work guys!
 
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