Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

[n3ophy7e]

Well done @tired of crap that is really good to hear!! Keep it up! I've been sober from booze now for *counting in my head...* nearly 5 months. I don't actually keep count because I personally find that it puts too much pressure on myself. So I just take each day as it comes. I very rarely actually crave alcohol now. Other drugs? Yes, but thankfully I've made it increasingly difficult for myself to get drugs so if/when I crave something, I usually just push the thought out of my head straight away because it's not even worth dwelling on.
Anyway, you've learned from previous experience that "just one drink" is not actually just one drink, and it quickly becomes out of control. Try to keep that in mind whenever you feel like "just one". You got this man! And keep us updated

 

[Jabberwocky]

@birdup.snaildown moving away from smoking entirely sounds great. i remember when i smoked weed all the time how often that '1 spliff is 20 cigs' line we got fed in school went round my heard, no idea if its even true lol. but it diminished the experience somewhat.

@BenzoBrain^^ sorry to hear about your alcohol consumption. that does sound like a lot. i hope i can continue to provide some hope for you.

and @tired of crap well done!! that is amazing!!! i hope to be in a similar boat soon.

today is AUgust 1st. the day i said i would draw a line under this shit.

i still feel motivated to do so but there is already a spanner in the works- my parents are going away for a few nights this week. all going well i'll have 3 days sober by the time they go, but that isn't enough!!! my brain is going haywire. its made me more confident i can get the first 3 days but it just feels impossible to not drink once they go away. so i'm setting myself up for failure already.

 

[tired of crap]

Thanks @n3ophy7e
I’m the same with counting. I never know to the day, just an approximate. Like you say it just adds unnecessary pressure

My house mate had a friend over last night and they were drinking . It crossed my mind more than I’d like to admit to make a run to the store or mooch some. Usually I’d take the edge of with some weed but pot seems to stimulate me and given the time I couldn’t justify another night with 5 hrs of sleep. So I had to excuse myself and hide downstairs lolz

@chinup
My advice would be; rather than look at it as the whole week deal with individual cravings as they arise. Also, try and keep yourself busy. As the say idle hands are the devils workshop.... not sure I believe in all those omnipotent god/devil fables but the more engaged I am, the less I fixate on the cravings and in turn, the less I drink

 

[Blankenstein]

today is AUgust 1st. the day i said i would draw a line under this shit.

i still feel motivated to do so but there is already a spanner in the works- my parents are going away for a few nights this week. all going well i'll have 3 days sober by the time they go, but that isn't enough!!! my brain is going haywire. its made me more confident i can get the first 3 days but it just feels impossible to not drink once they go away. so i'm setting myself up for failure already.

Stick to the plan! Look up what meetings are on for the days when they will be away and write down a day plan for each of the days they will be away.

what’s your boyfriend doing (drinking wise) at the moment?

have a run, a meeting and a heathy meal planned to cook for those three nights your folks are away. Organise to meet up with friends on those 3 days. Have a good movie ready to go on Netflix for those 3 nights.

you can and will get through this first hurdle and when you do you will feel so amazing for doing so. It will only make your resolve stronger for the next challenge.

I mean hell you beat a heroin and crack addiction, you can/will do this.

Stick to the plan! You got this!

 

[Blankenstein]

This reminds me a lot of myself when I was reeeeally struggling with drinking and opiates, like, constantly battling with myself about it. It's a cliche for a reason but: You can't run from your problems mate You need to figure out what's going on inside of you that's making you want to numb yourself, then deal with THAT. In my experience no amount of new scenery or change of environment is going to fix things.
And how fucking amazing are dogs. Pure unconditional love

Yeh man I totally agree… I am aware there is some serious introspective work I need to do and address. I guess I’m just not ready at the moment to do so. So I end up tredding water and trying to move forward, which doesn’t work very well unless I deal with said issues.

thanks for your reply man. And yes dogs are the best! Currently lying on the couch with my goofy dog who’s rearranging all the cushions until they are in the right spot according to her haha.

are you currently drinking and using opiates?

 

[Blankenstein]

So I fell into bad habits again. Been smoking weed instead of eating it... plus all I have access to at the moment because of COVID restrictions is dirt weed. So I have to smoke shitloads of it and I have lesions forming on my oesophagus. So I shouldn't be smoking (or drinking) at all.

This is all anxiously echoing in my head when I smoke joints (which I do at least four - more like six - times a day) so I struggle to hold the smoke in long enough to bake myself a stone pie.

So I drink more because I'm not getting stoned. I also like the illusion of alcohol numbing my throat. If I'm fucked up enough, I start to think I'm invincible and I puff harder.

My problem with smoking (as opposed to tinctures - and to a lesser extent edibles) is you get too fucked up. This applies to most drugs.

If you make a weak tincture, you can titrate with confidence. 12 drops or 35 drops, rather than 2 drops or 3.

Smoking cones is the worst, unless you're sufficiently balanced with fringe doses of amphetamines or psychedelic amphetamines.

Bongs are not only disgusting (unless you are the one in a thousand that cleans your bong often enough), they're also the cannabis equivalent of a drunk person downing two double Jagerbombs.

Smoke isn't good for your lungs.
Vapor is basically smoke.

Edibles are all over the place in terms of potency.

Tincture is where it's at.

I bought myself two time-lock boxes today. I've struggled with sustaining will power for too long... Why wash dishes by hand if you have a dishwasher?

I prefer eating weed. I hate smoking. It's unhealthy. Vaporizing is unhealthy too... But, I honestly don't think marijuana has to be unhealthy.

If you grind up some primo buds and dissolve them on a spoon before injecting them into your veins. Well, that's not going to end well. But that doesn't mean eating weed is bad for you.

Eating is certainly better than vaping.

I'm buying a Magical Butter Machine and I'm going to completely quit smoking. I already stopped for over a year in 2019-2020. It's not something - like alcohol - that I miss when it is gone.

I had some etizolam today. The pills are strong. They are not pharma grade. Testing has showed they are not pure etizolam, but that's to be expected.

Whatever this pill is, it fucks me up more than I would expect it to. I very rarely indulge in these thienobenzodiazepines... but today was a long day.

I like talking a small amount of benzos/thienobenzos with a small amount of alcohol rather than no benzos or theinos with lots of alcohol.

I will post some trip reports dissecting this.

Fuck man sorry to hear about the lesions on your oesophagus… sounds pretty rough, my dad ended up with oesophageal varices/holes in his oesphogus. Not very pleasant for him or his family.

you just gotta keep trying. Have you tried medication for the alcohol? Is weed legal in your state (assumingn you are in the US sorry if you aren’t…)

it sounds lie you have acess to benzos. Make sure you don’t go to hard and end up with a benzo habit/problem.

 

[Blankenstein]

Been a minute since I’ve been here

I’ve got nearly 2 weeks sans alcohol. During a trip last week I decided it’s likely better if I just never drink booze again.

I knew it when I quit for 18months but life stress and not gaf brought me back to drinking, and shortly thereafter alcoholism. I’ve quit for weeks at a time, a number of times, since last June. Every time, once I start doing better I delude myself that just once won’t hurt... but I drink an excessive amount. Couple days later more drinking ensues and then it snow balls to nearly every day.

So why even start again?
I mean, by no means will I quit drugs lol... or at least not the ones I can indulge upon occasion. But I should know by now which drugs I have a problem with. Alcohol (and dissociatives and benzos) are simply not substance(s) I can enjoy responsibly

Great work on getting 2 weeks up mate!

i do the same thing where i get in a good place sobriety wise then I self sabotage my self by drinking or using “just once”.

I think for me i do it because once I get sober I’m forced to look at myself in an unclouded way and deal with life, but when I’m drinking and using all I have to focus on is getting sober and not deal with how Life is passing me by…

hope you’re doing alright buddy, keep fighting it’s worth it!

 

[Jabberwocky]

@chinup
My advice would be; rather than look at it as the whole week deal with individual cravings as they arise. Also, try and keep yourself busy. As the say idle hands are the devils workshop.... not sure I believe in all those omnipotent god/devil fables but the more engaged I am, the less I fixate on the cravings and in turn, the less I drink

thank you, i know you're right, frustrating as it is. keeping busy is a bit hard cos i'm out in the sticks til i get my new place sorted. my boyf is coming to stay with me but he's not 100% on board with me stopping drinking so i can't count on his support. even though he agrees i'm much better completely abstinent than drinking. he has said he will be abstinent with me when we start properly trying for a baby, i.e. when we get into our new house.

Stick to the plan! Look up what meetings are on for the days when they will be away and write down a day plan for each of the days they will be away.

what’s your boyfriend doing (drinking wise) at the moment?

yeah i should look up some meetings, i'll have a session witht he buddhist centre on thursday evening so that'll keep me busy. will look into NA too. my boyf is bringing his switch and when he's not about i might finally get some time to finish my replay of witcher 3.

not sure how my boyf is doing with his drinking- i think much less since he's been at home. though he's fucked his guitar fretting hand, had one operation and needs another, so he's been on quite a lot of morphine and codeine. though he's one of the people who just feels ill on it, doesn't find it recreational.

have a run, a meeting and a heathy meal planned to cook for those three nights your folks are away. Organise to meet up with friends on those 3 days. Have a good movie ready to go on Netflix for those 3 nights.

i have actually planned some healthy meals to cook. am back on my diet.... i regained some weight at my old place and assumed i'd lose it again when i got here but i've gained the same again!!!

thank you so much guys for your support.

so much for thinking my parents would help with accountability.... they offered me wine this evening. ffs. i didn't make a big deal of it, just said no. not craved alcohol at all thankfully.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Yeh man I totally agree… I am aware there is some serious introspective work I need to do and address. I guess I’m just not ready at the moment to do so. So I end up tredding water and trying to move forward, which doesn’t work very well unless I deal with said issues.

thanks for your reply man. And yes dogs are the best! Currently lying on the couch with my goofy dog who’s rearranging all the cushions until they are in the right spot according to her haha.

are you currently drinking and using opiates?

Nah man I've been clean/sober for 5 months now I don't even think about drinking these days. My anxiety is pretty bad sometimes so I'd LOVE some benzos but I know I can't control myself with them so I don't bother. Plus I'm pregnant so I can't really have anything

 

[Jabberwocky]

It took a while getting from deciding to quit methamphetamine to actually putting down the pipe because I felt i needed to finish the ounce I’d bought for such a ridiculous amount of money. But it’s finally gone and getting through the last few grams of it actually felt pretty disgusting and I wasn’t doing it enthusiastically. In retrospect I can’t really understand why I persisted since at that time I received an inheritance in cash enough to buy a dozen ounces if I wished.

But now it’s new 48 hours now since I had a puff and I feel quite happy despite the brain fog rolling in and my IQ taking a real beating. I slept on and off through the first 24 hours with a combination of minimal doses of seroquel, valium and zolpidem. I got a lot of comfort from my dog who insisted on being cuddled pretty much the whole time I was trying to sleep. I feel a bit nervous because I haven’t paid the piper yet in any serious way. Usually it’s 2 days or so after quitting that I start to feel any real psychological distress. In the past, I’ve dealt with this mainly by taking plenty of seroquel and abilify.

This time I don’t want to become dependent on Seroquel or Abilify again. The withdrawal from both of them is A LOT worse than withdrawal from meth and lasts a lot longer. Plus I’m not quitting drugs altogether, my goal is to stop the definite harm meth is causing me while still being able to enjoy some psychedelics and dissociatives. In the past I’ve found psychadelics to greatly reduce my interest in stimulants and alcohol. Though I’m well aware they can create their own problems, not least renderings you incapable of participating in regular or family life for up to 48 hours at a time.

I also worry about some of my ongoing participation some areas of BL where I seem to be very involved in stim related stuff. I don’t know if that will be triggery or if I’ll just become like a reformed nicotine addict who evangelises total abstinence from it.

 

[birdup.snaildown]

If i wanted to consume etizalom a couple of times a week in very small doses would i ever decelop dependency or withdrawal symptoms?

What about once as week?

 

[n3ophy7e]

If i wanted to consume etizalom a couple of times a week in very small doses would i ever decelop dependency or withdrawal symptoms?

What about once as week?

Probably not, BUT it would be very difficult to stick to that plan.....benzos are incredibly moreish.

 

[birdup.snaildown]

I've had them in the house for months and have hardly touched them. When I did take them every day the withdrawals were a fucking nightmare. I was just wondering what a good frequency is. Clearly once a month doesn't cause me any problems. I guess I just have to experiment. but would be helpful to hear other people's experiences.

 

[Bugzelot]

Last time I commented about this topic I was just around seven years sober. Now it's ten years, seven months and seventeen days.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I've had them in the house for months and have hardly touched them. When I did take them every day the withdrawals were a fucking nightmare. I was just wondering what a good frequency is. Clearly once a month doesn't cause me any problems. I guess I just have to experiment. but would be helpful to hear other people's experiences.

i'm afraid i can't tell you what was 'too much' for me cos my first experience with benzos i was prescribed them 3 times a day without having a clue what they were about so dutifully took my medicine.

if you've been addicted to them before your threshold for getting physical withdrawals again will be much lower. there's also the head fuckkery. if you lose your emotional resilience cos you know you can always pop a pill when you have something shitty. but you're probably in that situation anyway if you have them around. err on the side of caution- maybe max once every two weeks?

Last time I commented about this topic I was just around seven years sober. Now it's ten years, seven months and seventeen days.

well done!!! that is amazing.

i'm on day 2 of not drinking. its fine so far. not had any cravings. its a bit odd tbh but i'm not complaining.

 

[Blankenstein]

Nah man I've been clean/sober for 5 months now I don't even think about drinking these days. My anxiety is pretty bad sometimes so I'd LOVE some benzos but I know I can't control myself with them so I don't bother. Plus I'm pregnant so I can't really have anything

That’s fantastic! Both about being clean/sober/not thinking about drinking and also about being pregnant. Congratulations! All the more reason to stay clean!

 

[Blankenstein]

I got back to work 2 days ago (will be here for 2 weeksI had intended on not drinking at all while I was away and was feeling strong.

half way through my first day of work I got a call saying i was at the airport when someone had COVID (my part of the world has NO COVID, like 1 case every few weeks) so I had to go get tested and isolate for 3 days until I get my results. Obviously my default was to go buy alcohol. So now I’m locked in my room drinking beers alone urghhh… it’s sucks how as soon as things go wrong I do dumb shit… feeling super down.

my mates have also been on my case about using. I was going to try not use when I was back home. Ended up using everything I said I wouldn’t use. Fucking sick of this.

 

[Blankenstein]

Back on the Antabuse! Off the booze again. At least for a few days. Felt a sense of relief as soon as I took the tablet and then panick/regret, but am stoked I am back on it. That’s the usual way I react to taking it…

I did stupidly get a bottle of rikodeine (dihydrocodeine/sorbitol) from the pharmacy. I had it and got no effects due to tolerance. But I will be having nothing tomorrow or for the next week at least.

Work tomorrow, then gym then I’m going to do a zoom NA meeting before bed. That’s my plan for tomorrow.

How’s everybody going? Hope y’all are good.

 

[Jabberwocky]

well done getting back on the antabuse!! i get you about the panic/regret. i had it when i threw my crack pipe out, when i'd not used it in over 6 months. is addictive brain fuckery. not so good about the opiates though, you need to find a way to break this cycle.

i did good not drinking til my parents went away. i was only gonna allow myself to drink one night, and did get very drunk that night. then my boyfriend went out to see a mate and i could tell by how long he was out he'd be really drunk when he got back and have booze. so i started drinking before he even got back.

when we move in together i am going to have to set some firm boundaries about interacting with him when he's drunk. cos he is just annoying, much less so if i'm drunk too though. when were not egging each other on he doesn't drink loads often so it should hopefully not be too much of an issue.

 

[tired of crap]

Drank for the first time in 3 weeks. Passed out early. Woke up at 12, am lol, hungover. Finished the other 2 beers, ate some junk and had some water. Still have a headache. Hoping to get a few hrs sleep in before work

Edit
And no sleep. Lovely. I just tossed and turned for 3 hrs wtf lol