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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

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@Blankenstein i do think its worth finding a new psychologist. though i have a lot of subjects i talk about often we are always finding new angles so its never like the same conversation repeated, and though it takes time she has gotten me to points of resolution on some things. your psychologist should make you feel uncomfortable. you're not there cos your life is great. its a safe environment in which to explore these issues.

thanks- yes allergies can be scary!! usually i just find them a pain but thursday was another level. i can see how people develop agoraphobia if they go through stuff like that so i made sure to get myself outside on friday to not give myself too much time to stress about it.
Thanks I really appreciate your response. It pretty much echoes my thoughts on the subject. Thanks @chinup

an old work mate/super good dude messaged me today with a link to a job for something I’m pretty keen on that if I managed to get I feel would really help me (yes I know how I just mentioned about external sources not really impacting internal problems, but whatever). It’s in a field I’m a actually pretty passionate about and kind of fit the criteria.

pretty close to fucking this job off. Yeh money is decent, but mental health is terrible.
 
So I’ve been really struggling lately and since I’m at work for 4 weeks I can take an RDO/day off. I had been planning on taking it Monday, then randomly this afternoon when I was feeling super low one of the drillers we have contracted ask me how my runnings been going.

I haven’t been running at all, but he asked if I would be able to run a half marathon, which I said no chance. He asked if I could run 10km, which I could. I wouldn’t be fast, but I could. So he was like “brilliant, take your RDO Sunday. We are all taking part in a marathon. They have a 10km as well. See you there.”

I mean I’m not very fit at the moment, but I’ll be able to finish it. Him and his brother are actually doing the 50km 😬

it’s so crazy how I’ve been so low the last week and having issues with all sorts of stuff. Then this dude basically cornered me and put it in such a way that I couldn’t say no.

the beers I’m drinking tonight will be my last for a while. I’m going to try get my shit together. I instantly felt better after agreeing and then signing up online. I’m going to try and use this as the catalyst to get back on top of my substance abuse issues.

hope everyone is healthy, happy and keeping clean.
 
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sweet @Blankenstein i'm glad the 10k has you motivated. well done for saying yes, it would have been easy to say no and make some excuse. even if you are crawling afterwards (i was after my first 10k!) t will do you good to do something different, and maybe spur you on to do more running.

before my drinking got much worse i was able to use my running goals to help me not to drink. i knew drinking would make it harder or make me not even bother.

i'm having an OK week. my sister is visiting which is nice. progress is being made slowly on my house purchase too.
 
What are you adjusted to that’s got you feeling this.? Like a job or routine?
 
sweet @Blankenstein i'm glad the 10k has you motivated. well done for saying yes, it would have been easy to say no and make some excuse. even if you are crawling afterwards (i was after my first 10k!) t will do you good to do something different, and maybe spur you on to do more running.

before my drinking got much worse i was able to use my running goals to help me not to drink. i knew drinking would make it harder or make me not even bother.

i'm having an OK week. my sister is visiting which is nice. progress is being made slowly on my house purchase too.
Thanks. Yeh I didn’t drink for a couple of nights prior to the run. Was super pumped and feeling great, did the run this morning. First 3 km I did a pace I was happy with then slowed down. Ended up running it in 52 minutes. Not exactly a pb, but was happy with it considering how I haven’t run in 6 weeks or done a 10km in 12 weeks and was using this as a kick In the arse to get my shit together. Had problems with my knee in the last 1km.
I was pretty happy after, but ended up at the pub by midday and now my knee feels fucked. So drinking beers combined with my knee being ducked has made me feel a bit down. Whatever... I’ll get back in the zone some how.
Think I’ll get a scan on my knee when I get home in a week and a half and try get an actual answer as to what’s wrong with it.

yeh I get you about how having something as motivation can be good for not using. I just want to get to the point where I don’t need motivation. I just want to be happy where I am and not drawn into substance use. Whatever...

how did you sisters visit go? Is the house sale progressing?
 
Thunderstorms moving in right now. I am scared. I heard some tics making connection effects. zzzzzzztttt Zapped. ⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡

Still cutting back and still ADD but doing well trying to balance the sobriety ?

Any way tick tock goes the clock. I have a feeling I am going to be a weed-a-holic soon.
Foreva.

How are you going? Smoking a fair bit? How’s the pain med taper going? Hope you’re well.
 
well done @Blankenstein - 52 mins is an amazing time!!! i doubt i'll ever get that quick.

i had a pretty bad day for drinking yesterday and hid it from my family. don't know if they can tell. actively didn't want to drink today. so tired.

going away for work this week, so won't have much time to come on here, really worried being left to my own devices will put me in the same self destructive bent i was in before i got back to my parents. but i can't afford to when i'll actually be around my colleagues. its easier to hide when you're interacting over teams.
 
well done @Blankenstein - 52 mins is an amazing time!!! i doubt i'll ever get that quick.

i had a pretty bad day for drinking yesterday and hid it from my family. don't know if they can tell. actively didn't want to drink today. so tired.

going away for work this week, so won't have much time to come on here, really worried being left to my own devices will put me in the same self destructive bent i was in before i got back to my parents. but i can't afford to when i'll actually be around my colleagues. its easier to hide when you're interacting over teams.

yeh I can relate to “hiding” drinking from family. In my mind I am hiding it, but usually turns out i wasn’t hiding it particularly well.

don’t beat yourself about one day. Just need to refocus and keep going.

Do you have anyone you can call why you are away for work? Or maybe try a zoom NA/AA meeting or if there any any in person meetings where you are going. I know 12 step isn’t for everyone. I don’t think it’s for me, but meetings still do help when I’m struggling I find.

good luck for the week.
 
i worked really hard yesterday at work but at least i had a pain med to help me through it.

Yes taper is life saving gift from above. Or Heaven, somewhere. 😁
And helped to fix my brain, included in the wonderful reduction. And was way less harmful in ( my case ) then just completely stopping.

However, I still really do Need something. Weed won't work forever but it will be there.

My head and brain is allot more better healed. . . Then when I just Quit and had to get help from taking xanax because of quitting all together just stopping just like that. Cold turkey or sumptin.

The xanax was helping me to not take pain medication and just did more harm ( for me )
than it helped. It's beautiful for getting real good rest and sleep but it was doing allot of harm to me from using both medications. Or just the xanax too frequently. The only medicine that I can only handle is opioid based or mild opioid. Seems harmless. And IS in my opinion in minor dosages. So there we go. 😁

* yeah and the lightening storm was almost as fun as a dmt trip would be. high on dabz and marijuana cones getting ready to be taken out by lightening zaps in an electrical storm with two dogs all terrified to death was quite amazing experience. 😁😮
Dohh

The little chihuahua was all like " why we goin ta die rite naw " amigos ?

Terrifying 😁🤣 I'm serious 🐶✌🏼
That’s great your taper is going well.

yeh the Xanax thing probably isn’t a great move,but it sounds like you already figured that out.

great work on tapering!

haha lightning storm sounds hectic. Poor doggos! Mine hates storms as well...
 
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Do you have anyone you can call why you are away for work? Or maybe try a zoom NA/AA meeting or if there any any in person meetings where you are going. I know 12 step isn’t for everyone. I don’t think it’s for me, but meetings still do help when I’m struggling I find.
i need to get back into meetings big tme.

was ok in the end. didn't get insanely drunk. this weekend is (1st Aug) is the date i've set to stop drinking entirely. to a large extent i think i've stopped enjoying it. certainly when i'm on my own. not sure if that will help or not. but my brain is already trying to get me to push the date back or at least allow one day a week until i have a completion date set for my house. but i think it will be easier to just be firm in my decision.
 
i need to get back into meetings big tme.

was ok in the end. didn't get insanely drunk. this weekend is (1st Aug) is the date i've set to stop drinking entirely. to a large extent i think i've stopped enjoying it. certainly when i'm on my own. not sure if that will help or not. but my brain is already trying to get me to push the date back or at least allow one day a week until i have a completion date set for my house. but i think it will be easier to just be firm in my decision.
That’s awesome you have a date set. Don’t push it back or do the one day a week thing. As you said it’s just your brain trying to screw you. I do the same thing and it never works. Stick to your original plan. Meetings will probably help. I’m psyched for you, good luck!

im alcohol free today for first time in a week. Feeling pumped to not be hungover tomorrow! And I go home on Tuesday after 4 weeks at work! Feeling even more pumped!
 
well done on not drinking!!! try to keep it up til you leave, having a few days sobriety under your belt will make it easier to resist when you get back. what are your plans to avoid another opiate/benzo haze? while you're still out at work plan stuff with mates, even on days people aren't about plan some days out or something- i think you said you liked surfing? well go!! if you plan before getting back to have most of your time full and have put in action what you can ahead of time to try and make your plans happen you have a better chance.
 
Thanks @chinup yeh I haven’t drunk today either and don’t think I will tomorrow.

I plan on not using any benzos while I’m back. Opiates... I’m going to try not to.

yeh will definitely be surfing when I get back and have some sober activities planned with friends. I’m actually really looking forward to cooking in my own kitchen and eating some healthy stuff.

im going to try getting to the gym as well. I would like to get back into running after that 10km fun run last week.

see how I go 🤷‍♂️ I’m feeling some what optimistic at the moment. It’s amazing how shit I feel mentally when I’m drinking all the time and then just a couple of days sober I see things in a much better light.

thanks for the suggestions really appreciate them.
 
Didn’t last too long 😞 ... flew back home this arvo. At the airport my workmate was keen on a beer so we had one, then I bough us another. In the Uber on the way home I got some vodka. Took me a couple of hours to start drinking it. Such a struggle to beat that impulse, I truely hate this shit. I didn’t want too but was feeling super anxious and on edge at home with it just sitting there. Had a few in quick succession.

I already feel super down about it. Bit of a 180 degrees from yesterday...

And obviously then I contacted a few people to organise some opiates for tomorrow. I hate this shit.

24 hours ago I was so excited to get home now I just feel depressed. I’ll try and get my shit together.

At least my dog was excited to see me. I love her so much. It sucks every time I get home from work she is greyer and a little slower, but she probably thinks the same of me...
 
Didn’t last too long 😞 ... flew back home this arvo. At the airport my workmate was keen on a beer so we had one, then I bough us another. In the Uber on the way home I got some vodka. Took me a couple of hours to start drinking it. Such a struggle to beat that impulse, I truely hate this shit. I didn’t want too but was feeling super anxious and on edge at home with it just sitting there. Had a few in quick succession.

I already feel super down about it. Bit of a 180 degrees from yesterday...

And obviously then I contacted a few people to organise some opiates for tomorrow. I hate this shit.

24 hours ago I was so excited to get home now I just feel depressed. I’ll try and get my shit together.

At least my dog was excited to see me. I love her so much. It sucks every time I get home from work she is greyer and a little slower, but she probably thinks the same of me...
This reminds me a lot of myself when I was reeeeally struggling with drinking and opiates, like, constantly battling with myself about it. It's a cliche for a reason but: You can't run from your problems mate :( You need to figure out what's going on inside of you that's making you want to numb yourself, then deal with THAT. In my experience no amount of new scenery or change of environment is going to fix things.
And how fucking amazing are dogs. Pure unconditional love <3
 
fuck @Blankenstein sorry to hear that. i hope it doesn't trun out worst case scenario and you at least manage to keep some of your plans with your mates rather than just getting fucked up for all your time off.

can you make a firm plan next time? i.e. figure out what went wrong this time, think drinking at the airport didn't help so maybe take antabuse; get shit planned, like get someone to meet you from the airport who isn't your dealer/a bad influence; plan not to, not to try not to, that is wiggle room for your brain.

i would have more material but i've completely lost the plot myself with how to maintain sobriety so even if i could remember the theory i would be hypocritical to suggest it to you. i am planning to stop on august 1st still. still dreading it. but i've told my mum, so while i'm at hers she'll keep me accountable, i hope.
 
So I fell into bad habits again. Been smoking weed instead of eating it... plus all I have access to at the moment because of COVID restrictions is dirt weed. So I have to smoke shitloads of it and I have lesions forming on my oesophagus. So I shouldn't be smoking (or drinking) at all.

This is all anxiously echoing in my head when I smoke joints (which I do at least four - more like six - times a day) so I struggle to hold the smoke in long enough to bake myself a stone pie.

So I drink more because I'm not getting stoned. I also like the illusion of alcohol numbing my throat. If I'm fucked up enough, I start to think I'm invincible and I puff harder.

My problem with smoking (as opposed to tinctures - and to a lesser extent edibles) is you get too fucked up. This applies to most drugs.

If you make a weak tincture, you can titrate with confidence. 12 drops or 35 drops, rather than 2 drops or 3.

Smoking cones is the worst, unless you're sufficiently balanced with fringe doses of amphetamines or psychedelic amphetamines.

Bongs are not only disgusting (unless you are the one in a thousand that cleans your bong often enough), they're also the cannabis equivalent of a drunk person downing two double Jagerbombs.

Smoke isn't good for your lungs.
Vapor is basically smoke.

Edibles are all over the place in terms of potency.

Tincture is where it's at.

I bought myself two time-lock boxes today. I've struggled with sustaining will power for too long... Why wash dishes by hand if you have a dishwasher?

I prefer eating weed. I hate smoking. It's unhealthy. Vaporizing is unhealthy too... But, I honestly don't think marijuana has to be unhealthy.

If you grind up some primo buds and dissolve them on a spoon before injecting them into your veins. Well, that's not going to end well. But that doesn't mean eating weed is bad for you.

Eating is certainly better than vaping.

I'm buying a Magical Butter Machine and I'm going to completely quit smoking. I already stopped for over a year in 2019-2020. It's not something - like alcohol - that I miss when it is gone.

I had some etizolam today. The pills are strong. They are not pharma grade. Testing has showed they are not pure etizolam, but that's to be expected.

Whatever this pill is, it fucks me up more than I would expect it to. I very rarely indulge in these thienobenzodiazepines... but today was a long day.

I like talking a small amount of benzos/thienobenzos with a small amount of alcohol rather than no benzos or theinos with lots of alcohol.

I will post some trip reports dissecting this.
 
Been a minute since I’ve been here

I’ve got nearly 2 weeks sans alcohol. During a trip last week I decided it’s likely better if I just never drink booze again.

I knew it when I quit for 18months but life stress and not gaf brought me back to drinking, and shortly thereafter alcoholism. I’ve quit for weeks at a time, a number of times, since last June. Every time, once I start doing better I delude myself that just once won’t hurt... but I drink an excessive amount. Couple days later more drinking ensues and then it snow balls to nearly every day.

So why even start again?
I mean, by no means will I quit drugs lol... or at least not the ones I can indulge upon occasion. But I should know by now which drugs I have a problem with. Alcohol (and dissociatives and benzos) are simply not substance(s) I can enjoy responsibly
 
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