Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

[Jabberwocky]

what do your parents think about you drinking while at their place?

they don't mind, cos we will have like 1 gin and tonic.

Is your boyfriend committed to complete abstinence as well?

not for him personally. he can see that my drinking was not healthy and needed to stop but took some convincing that complete abstinence was the only route that would work for me. he grew up in an alcoholic household so in his head if you aren't drinking spirits 24/7 its not that bad.

he's still trying to bargain about whther i'll drink in the pub, or at manchester punk festival next year. its annoying tbh, he saw me on crack and heroin you'd think he'd just fully behind any plans to avoid destructive substance abuse. my brain will probably exploit any loophole i allow, so i just need to say no.

he's said he will stop drinking when we start properly trying for a baby in solidarity with me but i've known him too long to believe that anything he say's he'll do will actually happen.

 

[Blankenstein]

So anyway sometimes I feel better being completely sober instead.

I had heard of tapering before from pain managing and kind of learned of it a little bit.
But you know the medical system gets governed allot. Also moved around to the point of relocating and then to just almost disappearing.

My point I am always trying to state from all of this is that I had great harm reduction awareness and great education here. (BL)

And BL helped me to learn about weaning so much more !

Thnx ? !

Hello great stuff on going the whole day and night with no pain meds. You’re obviously trying to quit?

What pain medication are you on? What dose?

How long have you been taking it?

what were you initially prescribed it for?

do you take more than you’re prescribed?

Sorry if you posted in this thread recently my memory is kind of shit at the moment.

good stuff on trying to quit. Yewww!

 

[Blankenstein]

they don't mind, cos we will have like 1 gin and tonic.


not for him personally. he can see that my drinking was not healthy and needed to stop but took some convincing that complete abstinence was the only route that would work for me. he grew up in an alcoholic household so in his head if you aren't drinking spirits 24/7 its not that bad.

he's still trying to bargain about whther i'll drink in the pub, or at manchester punk festival next year. its annoying tbh, he saw me on crack and heroin you'd think he'd just fully behind any plans to avoid destructive substance abuse. my brain will probably exploit any loophole i allow, so i just need to say no.

he's said he will stop drinking when we start properly trying for a baby in solidarity with me but i've known him too long to believe that anything he say's he'll do will actually happen.

So you find it ok just having one drink? Or is that because you’re kind of forced to because you’re at your parents?

I hope your partner goes the same route as you. But sounds like his track record isn’t the greatest

as you say if he’s seen you at your worst using crack/heroin I hope he would fully understand how serious your situation is.

I wish you guys the best.

 

[Blankenstein]

I can’t decide whether I’m trying to quit or not. Or trying to quit some things and not others. Or trying to quit while I’m not at work or using my off work time to get high.

benzos are the devil. I have no memory when I take them. When I’m off work I use opiates, but they are so expensive I take a few valium with them (yes I know that’s a recipe for disaster) to help with the nod.

I spent so much money on my week off and have no memory of it.

eating 200mg of oxy for a dose and x-mg of Valium. It’s fucked. I know I can’t say exact prices, but it’s more than a dollar mg (hope that’s ok). It’s why I want to start using heroin because of the price. Even heroin is crazy expensive but it’s not as bad as pharmaceuticals. I know I’m iinsane for switching to

I know I need to quit everything, but my brain is like if I just quit the benzos I’ll be able to remember being high and it will be worth it. It’s so ridiculous...

I feel like things are getting more out of control at a fairly quick pace.

 

[Jabberwocky]

So you find it ok just having one drink? Or is that because you’re kind of forced to because you’re at your parents?

i'm actually much preferring drinking here, weird how turns out moderation and just relaxing is actually better than getting wasted. i've drank more over the past couple nights, but we did have the weekend so i guess fri and sat are excusable. really need to go a night without drinking. thought i would this eve but then mum offered me some wine and then i drank some limoncello cos it was there.

think my energy levels are vaguely returning.

eating 200mg of oxy for a dose and x-mg of Valium. It’s fucked. I know I can’t say exact prices, but it’s more than a dollar mg (hope that’s ok). It’s why I want to start using heroin because of the price. Even heroin is crazy expensive but it’s not as bad as pharmaceuticals. I know I’m iinsane for switching to

let me tell you how heroin goes. you control it for a bit, you have to or you'll get scared off too quickly, but slowly it takes over. in my first year with a proper habit i got nearly £10k in payrises, and it made no difference to my habit cos i expanded my spending each time.

heroin will save you money for a very short period. but in the long term you're unlikely to win that game of roulette. especially with your current using pattern.

 

[Blankenstein]

i'm actually much preferring drinking here, weird how turns out moderation and just relaxing is actually better than getting wasted. i've drank more over the past couple nights, but we did have the weekend so i guess fri and sat are excusable. really need to go a night without drinking. thought i would this eve but then mum offered me some wine and then i drank some limoncello cos it was there.

think my energy levels are vaguely returning.


let me tell you how heroin goes. you control it for a bit, you have to or you'll get scared off too quickly, but slowly it takes over. in my first year with a proper habit i got nearly £10k in payrises, and it made no difference to my habit cos i expanded my spending each time.

heroin will save you money for a very short period. but in the long term you're unlikely to win that game of roulette. especially with your current using pattern.

I think you have told me this before or it may have been someone else in here. Sorry if I got mixed up. A very close Friend has also told me the same thing.

I just had a phone call with that mate who has been through heroin addiction/methadone/subsetc... we had quite a long talk. he recognises in me that I’m spiralling.

I know (as I’m sure I’ve said on here before) that I know what I need to do.Though at the moment I feel like I’m destined to make the mistakes everyone is screaming at me not to make.

As usual I don’t know what I’m doing with myself, but I do appreciate your honesty and I hope I actually take heed of your warnings and experience.

On a different note...

if you can learn to drink in moderation that’s great. Sometimes a change in setting can be beneficial for stopping/cutting back in the amount you use or drink?

Are you still running? Have you gotten over your injury? One of the people I’m working with is keen to start going to the gym, so hopefully we start doing that and I drink less than I currently am. Also being in a town with a gym means I can use exercise bikes/rowing machines etc... instead of only Being able to run for fitness and fucking my knees.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I don’t want to take drugs anymore. That’s all I can say right now. I want to flush what I have but something is still holding me back. Dreams of my future regret I think. Like I know I’ll snap out of this present feeling eventually. I haven’t had anything for a few days but the last effort has left me feeling like I have a serious case of concussion. It’s unpleasant in the extreme. But it won’t be improved by taking any more drugs I’m sure.

 

[Kellsee]

I am new here. I just joined this site yesterday. Y'all do not know me nor do I know any of y'all yet. But after reading the last few pages of this thread I already know y'all are apart of my tribe...my people. The genuine sincerity of intent within the posts of this thread has overwhelmed me into tears.

Damn the battle of an addiction is hard! Fucking opiates!! Ughhhhh! It's all I've ever basically known. I know exactly what it is like to have every fiber of your being constantly yearning for the very poison that's trying to kill you. It's like a living nightmare. Everyone can relate to the experience of having a nightmare. You are aware that you are having a nightmare. You realize that it's just a dream. You already know that all it takes to escape is to wake up. You try to wake yourself up. YOU ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO WAKE YOURSELF UP. But you just can't. You don't know why. But everyone else thinks it should be easy. Even tho they can't get you to wake up either. Addiction is the only word that's defined by the option of multiple choice. Everyone gets the advantage of chosing what it represents to them...either a choice or a disease. Although I know that it's officially defined as a disease. Still yet it seems completely acceptable to believe otherwise. I believe that all the stigma created is it's best ploy.

But my point here is to offer some hope. So much of it is about perception. I use to see my addiction as a terrible thing. But as I get older I am begining to see it differently. Drug addicts tend to be stereotyped negatively. But just go deeper and see what you'll find. Just the fact that y'all are not happy with what it's causing in your life and y'all are still chosing to fight against it everyday is so extremely hopeful. The strength in being able to do that is soooooo under estimated. I know I am not suppose to get into religion but I'll take the chance just to say this. I bet there's something extreme uniquely amazing about everyone of y'all that the devil is hoping to keep y'all from figuring out. Because in my experience every single addict that has managed to maintain some stability ends up being one of the most amazing souls that I've ever met. I've never met a beautiful person that first wasn't completely broken. It's like the best have to be seasoned by fire. I've never seen the level of self inventory thats necessary to overcome addiction suggested for anything else. In order to just get this far we've had to face more accountability then most and we are so much better for it. I would not have the ability to empathize and the willingness to understand others the way I do now if I hadn't experienced all that I have. My best advice would be to practice gratitude. You'd be surprised at just how much your mindset affects all of the rest. It's so easy to get completely trapped in all the negative. We are veterans of war imo!!

I wish everyone in this thread all the best. I truly hope that each of you find your happiness!

 

[Jabberwocky]

I think you have told me this before or it may have been someone else in here. Sorry if I got mixed up. A very close Friend has also told me the same thing.

i probably did but it warrants repeating.

I know (as I’m sure I’ve said on here before) that I know what I need to do.Though at the moment I feel like I’m destined to make the mistakes everyone is screaming at me not to make.

that is a cop out. i know this cos i have made the same cop out time and time again. you are more in control than you think. but the longer you keep using and the more you give power to your addictive thoughts, the harder it will be.

if you can learn to drink in moderation that’s great. Sometimes a change in setting can be beneficial for stopping/cutting back in the amount you use or drink?

change in setting is definitely useful. still not had a day off though. urgh am annoyed at myself. last night i was going to try not to drink but it was just fucking on me by about 7pm, and my dad was on a call upstairs and my mum was out in the garden so i knew i could 'get away with' necking some of their whisky. then got super paranoid i reeked of it. which i probably did. ffs.tonight is another night. but its the england match so my brain will make excuses.

its kinda harder to want to stop completely when i'm not drinking enough to get bad hangovers. i need to announce to my parents that i'm stopping august 1st so they will have my back and i'll feel kinda obliged to do it.

Are you still running? Have you gotten over your injury? One of the people I’m working with is keen to start going to the gym, so hopefully we start doing that and I drink less than I currently am. Also being in a town with a gym means I can use exercise bikes/rowing machines etc... instead of only Being able to run for fitness and fucking my knees.

injury healed thank fuck. been back into running since i got to my parents. its such a great outlet to have.

@Perforated - you seem stuck in a cycle of using a couple of weeks, clean a couple of weeks. do you know what draws you back to using each time?

@Kellsee first, welcome! sorry to hear how you've stuggled, but as you say, we are all in, or have been in, the same boat. how are you doing with your issues?

i completely agree about the harm caused by the ambiguity in the definition of addiction, and the outright ignorance- because it is NOT A FUCKING CHOICE, i read a book theorising that addiction was a disorder of choice and for every single stat he presented, i was in the minority of people for whom the arguments didn't work. his arguments worked if you expand the definition of addiction to include 'used a bit to much, saw it was causing issues, so stopped of my own accord with no outside help' which to me is not addiction. pissed me off.

I've never met a beautiful person that first wasn't completely broken.

this is beautiful.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Welcome to the family @Kellsee Glad you found us

 

[Blankenstein]

Yp

weed used to be perfectly fine. then i quit for two months and so only dabs help now.
just i don't know. someday i will be fine.
or at least i can keep telling myself that.

You’ll get there. If you’ve been tapering for a couple of years you must have tremendous will power. Keep going!

 

[Blankenstein]

I don’t want to take drugs anymore. That’s all I can say right now. I want to flush what I have but something is still holding me back. Dreams of my future regret I think. Like I know I’ll snap out of this present feeling eventually. I haven’t had anything for a few days but the last effort has left me feeling like I have a serious case of concussion. It’s unpleasant in the extreme. But it won’t be improved by taking any more drugs I’m sure.

Flush it.

Not that what I say will have any impact on what you do. You need to figure it out and do it yourself, but obviously your drug use isn’t doing you anything positive.

hope you feel better man. Thinking of you.

 

[Blankenstein]

i probably did but it warrants repeating.

that is a cop out. i know this cos i have made the same cop out time and time again. you are more in control than you think. but the longer you keep using and the more you give power to your addictive thoughts, the harder it will be.

change in setting is definitely useful. still not had a day off though. urgh am annoyed at myself. last night i was going to try not to drink but it was just fucking on me by about 7pm, and my dad was on a call upstairs and my mum was out in the garden so i knew i could 'get away with' necking some of their whisky. then got super paranoid i reeked of it. which i probably did. ffs.tonight is another night. but its the england match so my brain will make excuses.

its kinda harder to want to stop completely when i'm not drinking enough to get bad hangovers. i need to announce to my parents that i'm stopping august 1st so they will have my back and i'll feel kinda obliged to do it.


injury healed thank fuck. been back into running since i got to my parents. its such a great outlet to have.

@Perforated - you seem stuck in a cycle of using a couple of weeks, clean a couple of weeks. do you know what draws you back to using each time?

@Kellsee first, welcome! sorry to hear how you've stuggled, but as you say, we are all in, or have been in, the same boat. how are you doing with your issues?

i completely agree about the harm caused by the ambiguity in the definition of addiction, and the outright ignorance- because it is NOT A FUCKING CHOICE, i read a book theorising that addiction was a disorder of choice and for every single stat he presented, i was in the minority of people for whom the arguments didn't work. his arguments worked if you expand the definition of addiction to include 'used a bit to much, saw it was causing issues, so stopped of my own accord with no outside help' which to me is not addiction. pissed me off.


this is beautiful.

I know you’re right. I’ve intended on getting back on the Antabuse the last few days as a start. Always have a bottle rattling around in my work bag. See how we go tomorrow.

yeh as I was typing about the change of setting, I knew how that usually goes... helps for a little to start, but in the end doesn’t really do anything.

super glad your running again and have your outlet. Hope you get some fully sober days under your belt in the coming days.

thanks for taking the time to respond to me.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I know you’re right. I’ve intended on getting back on the Antabuse the last few days as a start. Always have a bottle rattling around in my work bag. See how we go tomorrow.

if you take that while you're not at work does it make you more likely to spend stupid money on opiates?

yeh as I was typing about the change of setting, I knew how that usually goes... helps for a little to start, but in the end doesn’t really do anything.

yep, only thing that works is actually getting through the discomfort and working on whats causing use in the first place

thanks for taking the time to respond to me.

my pleasure. i try to help everyone who posts in here and its nice to have a group of us so we can all offer different perspectives.

 

[Jabberwocky]

woop woop!!! did a day without drinking yesterday and did not crave alcohol....

but, i was in a&e. my chest got really bad due to hayfever but they needed to run a lot of blood tests and do a chest x ray to make sure nothing more sinister was going on. was feeling really unwell but massively relieved that i quit smoking last year, and have worked hard on healing my lungs since i got clean. could have been so much worse.

throat still feels fucked and i'm taking the day off work to recover. i'm an idiot though. i've never wheezed due to hayfever til this year and seeing a doctor about it was on my to do list but i'd not got round to it. it hadn't occurred to me if i left it untreated i'd end up ambulancing it to hospital.

 

[Blankenstein]

if you take that while you're not at work does it make you more likely to spend stupid money on opiates?

yep, only thing that works is actually getting through the discomfort and working on whats causing use in the first place

my pleasure. i try to help everyone who posts in here and its nice to have a group of us so we can all offer different perspectives.

I mean yeh I’m only really drinking now while I’m away for work because I don’t have access to other things. And I seem to have crumbled a fair bit the last few months.

It seems like I’m alternating addictions at the moment. If I’m at work I struggle with alcohol. If I’m at home I struggle with opiates and benzos. Just gotta keep on trying. Tonight I bailed on my work mates/dinner because I was tired. ended up walking to the pub and drinking there by myself...

yeh totally agree with the getting to the route/source of your problems. Easier said than done though.

yeh i agree. I hope anybody who feels the need to post in here does and can get some help from one of the many amazing people in here.

 

[Blankenstein]

woop woop!!! did a day without drinking yesterday and did not crave alcohol....

but, i was in a&e. my chest got really bad due to hayfever but they needed to run a lot of blood tests and do a chest x ray to make sure nothing more sinister was going on. was feeling really unwell but massively relieved that i quit smoking last year, and have worked hard on healing my lungs since i got clean. could have been so much worse.

throat still feels fucked and i'm taking the day off work to recover. i'm an idiot though. i've never wheezed due to hayfever til this year and seeing a doctor about it was on my to do list but i'd not got round to it. it hadn't occurred to me if i left it untreated i'd end up ambulancing it to hospital.

Damn that’s hectic. Glad to hear you’re ok.

I never used to get hay fever, but the last couple of years it seems to have gotten worse.

good work on giving up the cigarettes. When you drink do you get cravings to smoke? Any of my friends that smoked and have quit still struggle when they have a beer.

 

[Jabberwocky]

It seems like I’m alternating addictions at the moment. If I’m at work I struggle with alcohol. If I’m at home I struggle with opiates and benzos. Just gotta keep on trying. Tonight I bailed on my work mates/dinner because I was tired. ended up walking to the pub and drinking there by myself...

i did the same, just switched depending on circumstances- til i got on crack and heroin then i didn't really care about any other drugs, or anything else.

yeh totally agree with the getting to the route/source of your problems. Easier said than done though.

true. i found that it turned out the really shit things that had happened in my life were having an impact on me- i thought they weren't but that's cos my self medication was working really well. one thing i found really useful was writing my life story in rehab. i had to read it out to my group which you wouldn't be able to do but i found my therapy in the writing and it gave me loads of insight into where my thinking was affected and the cycles i'd got stuck in with relationships.

Damn that’s hectic. Glad to hear you’re ok.

I never used to get hay fever, but the last couple of years it seems to have gotten worse.

yeah i'm glad i'm ok too, was really scared about 8-9pm last night cos i was still coughing like a mofo despite having been in the hospital since 5 and not around any allergens (i can feel in my eyes and mouth immediately if they are present). really glad you haven't had this bane in your life!!

good work on giving up the cigarettes. When you drink do you get cravings to smoke? Any of my friends that smoked and have quit still struggle when they have a beer.

nope- but if i was drinking at the pub then i probably would. and sometime maybe january while i was blackout drunk i bought single cigs from somewhere. which is nuts cos it wouldn't even occur to me you could buy single cigs over here.

 

[Blankenstein]

true. i found that it turned out the really shit things that had happened in my life were having an impact on me- i thought they weren't but that's cos my self medication was working really well. one thing i found really useful was writing my life story in rehab. i had to read it out to my group which you wouldn't be able to do but i found my therapy in the writing and it gave me loads of insight into where my thinking was affected and the cycles i'd got stuck in with relationships.

yeh I’ve been thinking about trying to get an appointment with my psychologist again and discussing my situation. Talking things through seems to always help (to varying degrees). Though I feel bad going and talking to her about the same shit again and again and not making any progress.

i think she is a fantastic person, but have been considering seeing a new psychologist to see if that has any impact. Though part of me wonders if I stopped going to see her because she was actually touching a few nerves and i didn’t want to discuss the things she was asking about. That to me suggests I need to talk about these things...

yeah i'm glad i'm ok too, was really scared about 8-9pm last night cos i was still coughing like a mofo despite having been in the hospital since 5 and not around any allergens (i can feel in my eyes and mouth immediately if they are present). really glad you haven't had this bane in your life!!

I’ve seen a friend go through something similar. It was pretty terrifying.

allergies can be super scary. Hope you don’t get any more flare ups this season.

 

[Jabberwocky]

@Blankenstein i do think its worth finding a new psychologist. though i have a lot of subjects i talk about often we are always finding new angles so its never like the same conversation repeated, and though it takes time she has gotten me to points of resolution on some things. your psychologist should make you feel uncomfortable. you're not there cos your life is great. its a safe environment in which to explore these issues.

thanks- yes allergies can be scary!! usually i just find them a pain but thursday was another level. i can see how people develop agoraphobia if they go through stuff like that so i made sure to get myself outside on friday to not give myself too much time to stress about it.