Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

[Jabberwocky]

Thanks for your response. I really appreciate it. I didn’t actually log in for 2 days to BL because I was like “I over shared, people will think I’m a freak...”

owww, don't worry about stuff like that, honestly if you look through some of the threads i made when i was first getting clean i was massively oversharing but getting support on here really helped.

glad your car is fixable and you have the right insurance.

did end up drinking last night cos my boyfriend had some bullshit excuse for starting drinking at 4pm. i held out til past 7 at least. not going to tonight though, have an actual activity planned- preparation for a study group i'm starting next week- so that should help.

 

[Blankenstein]

owww, don't worry about stuff like that, honestly if you look through some of the threads i made when i was first getting clean i was massively oversharing but getting support on here really helped.

glad your car is fixable and you have the right insurance.

did end up drinking last night cos my boyfriend had some bullshit excuse for starting drinking at 4pm. i held out til past 7 at least. not going to tonight though, have an actual activity planned- preparation for a study group i'm starting next week- so that should help.

Yeh it’s tough when the person you live with/share a life with doing the thing you are trying not to do... makes it a lot more difficult. Is he trying to not use/drink as well?

yeh I mean it’s not like this is me trying to get my shit together for the first time. I first realised i had issues with this sort of stuff and tried to make a change in 2012/13 I think.

it’s been a constant struggle since then. Some months I do really well, some months not so well...

I actually got a job yesterday and have now flown out to the middle of the country. I drive tomorrow to a very remote place where I won’t have internet/phone access for 2 weeks. The only alcohol out there is what you take in. I’m taking a carton and that’s it. So won’t be drinking after the first few days.

it’s pretty shit how much this industry drinks. Within flying into the town we were already drinking after an hour. And it was my bosses idea.

it sucks how I’m already planning on using the day I get back. Organising some opiates/benzos for the first night I get back. My logic is I can get high the first night and then I will be clean because I’ll have another drug test a week later when I go back to work. It’s like I’m justifying it because im going to be more or less clean for 2 weeks.

but yeh probably won’t have any internet to log back in here for a couple of weeks unless I drive to the top of a hill or something.

cheers @Atelier3 apprexiate the reply

 

[Jabberwocky]

Yeh it’s tough when the person you live with/share a life with doing the thing you are trying not to do... makes it a lot more difficult. Is he trying to not use/drink as well?

he's trying to drink less. he has never had a hard drug problem thank fuck, so i can't use in my own house while he's here if i were to lapse.

it sucks how I’m already planning on using the day I get back. Organising some opiates/benzos for the first night I get back. My logic is I can get high the first night and then I will be clean because I’ll have another drug test a week later when I go back to work. It’s like I’m justifying it because im going to be more or less clean for 2 weeks.

i totally get you. its the sort of thing i'd do, anything you can get away with is fair game in my head. what is your actual goal? complete abstinence or moderation?

your job sounds cool, i'd love to get to go to different places. i used to travel when i was in academia got to see some ace places. i think many jobs have a drinking culture, but actually in my previous job i was doing complete abstinence cos it was my first job out of rehab. i didn't really want to drink at all, i was perfectly happy to go to the pub and have a soft drink. some people were completely mystified by my not drinking but i just told them i get really bad hangovers (which i do if i don't also take benzos) and they accepted it. all of our socialising together way in pubs so i'd have missed out otherwise.

feeling pretty certain i will make it through tonight without drinking, not craving at all. but stranger things have happened than an addict saying they wont use and then doing it!!

 

[tired of crap]

Cant say Ive been following lately... sorry ya'll ..
....
Posting here because... well... I feel I feel.. it'd be most appropriate here

Struggling lately with my alcohol consumption.
Not my worst, but the worst in months. For the most part it doesnt impede most aspects of my life.... yet if i am to be honest..... it does.
Waking up feels like hell... so i drink water, eat and then head to work. After work its more booze, family shite, water then bed...
Each day will be my last.... lol

No one will be around on Saturday ,,,, plan is to trip and re-integrate some lessons .. Who knows.
The last few trips have only postponed the drinks for a few days ...
Then im right back at it...
Hoping trips>dissos.......

 

[bongdong]

@Blankenstein Good luck with your work endeavor, but regarding substance use ..that doesn't sound too promising I hate so say, but at least you know it too. But it's difficult, with this drinking culture in place.. really have split feeling about all this.

What people write with work and drug testing (in the US or wherever) makes my hair stand in all directions! WTF? Especially with e.g. cannabis, that's detectable in the system long after the psychoactive effect is gone. I think it's nobodys god damn business what people put or not put in their bodys on their own time, period. PERIOD! Fucking wage slavery. If this spreads where I come from, I'll probably burst a frontal lope or something..

but stranger things have happened than an addict saying they wont use and then doing it!!

True. How do you 'handle' this (except with more drugs)? I don't know what it is with me, but I found this to be very "eroding" for ..me/my mind/whatever. Attempting one thing, doing another, ..it's like it gets stored somewhere and then builds up and up, until this cognitive dissonance becomes almost physical painful. Glad I don't have this regarding drugs right now, but sadly with other part of my life. Of course, the best solution would be 'doing the right thing', duh, .

Have become quite unenthusiastic about life/living lately (again), as I approach things I fear, to the point where I don't want to stimulate my fucking mind in any way, not even with some cannabis. Don't know if that's a good thing or another descent into . I just want some fucking peace. I'll probably put on my rubber boots on the weekend and just walk out there, into nature, no people, no aim or agenda, ..just walking for hours and hours, moving, being nobody going nowhere (I think that's a book title too), getting tired and maybe, maybe peace will find me.

Having a retarded mind like mine should be recognized as a disability! *thinking about lobotomy* Sorry for the rant..

 

[Jabberwocky]

True. How do you 'handle' this (except with more drugs)? I don't know what it is with me, but I found this to be very "eroding" for ..me/my mind/whatever. Attempting one thing, doing another, ..it's like it gets stored somewhere and then builds up and up, until this cognitive dissonance becomes almost physical painful. Glad I don't have this regarding drugs right now, but sadly with other part of my life. Of course, the best solution would be 'doing the right thing', duh, .

you are definitely right that it gets stored, we make neural pathways and every time we do the same thing we make it harder not to next time.

it is easy to use these sorts of things as a basis for losing hope, its difficult cos we have to be realistic that chances of success on any given attempt are pretty low. and watching yourself doing osmethiing you know you don't want to be on autopilot is demoralising, like being aware but somehow too apathetic or in too much pain to not do it.

i guess the only way i try to handle it is by not letting myself lose hope, either for myself or anyone who posts in here. these sorts of thoughts are practically inviting the additive mindset in, they're seductive but so are most routes back to addiction, otherwise we'd be able not to take them. not sure if that helps. i really hope you feel better soon, getting out for a long time in nature sounds a great idea.

i managed not to drink last night no problem, going to aim to again tonight but less confident just cos its friday so my boyfriend will be drinking.

@tired of crap the cycle you describe sounds painfully familiar, really hope taking action to break it over the weekend is helpful for you. once you have a day or two sober, i find it is much easier to get more.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I have icy cold fingers of anxiety clawing at my heart trying to force me to go get meth. As fortune would have it I have a severe cash flow crunch for the next day or so so I can’t do anything (except try asking for credit which everyone knows I’m good for).

I’ve lost my cool calm jocularity and feel like picking a fight with an idiot on Bluelight. It’s about 7 PM here so I’m just trying to get through another hour or so before totally sedating myself and crawling into bed. I feel so bone weary as much as anything and despite being full of anger I feel like sobbing over nothing.

My Mindfulness and CBT skills seem to have a reasonable grip and I know this is just the peak of a couple of days comedown and recovery. But it still feels horrible and I would probably be triggered by the slightest thing.

I had to bow put of a work zoom conference because there was a real chance I’d have burst into tears. Drug use eating into serious work commitments is the big red flag for me.

As is huffing away in my room when my kids are asleep in the house - which was as low as I got last week before chucking out all my glassware and other paraphernalia.

I hope everyone else feeling stronger and more resilient than I’m feeling at present. I’m hoping I’ll bounce back with another 12 hours sleep.

 

[bongdong]

I’ve lost my cool calm jocularity and feel like picking a fight with an idiot on Bluelight.

What did you just call me motherfucker?! I'll fuck your ass up...!!!

What the hell happend dude? Relapsed, went on binge, and now it's fullblown withdrawal a.k.a "comedown"? Does it go that rapid? Or is it more (or "just", haha) mental, or both? Pfff, I had this view before but since I'm here it became more and more steady, I really don't plan on messing with methamphetamine (and other stimulants), like EVER! This shit is scary! That's not exactly helping your cause, is it? Sorry. Hope you feel better soon, sleep it off if you have the possibility.

Unsurprisingly, my agenda-less walk started off with lots of agenda, and felt accordingly.. Jesus Christ, what a nightmare, my mind will never stop attempting to solve the problems it creates. Just can't handle the possibility of 'me' never being able to let go of or stepping back from this lunacy. There are a lot of things, but e.g. my autoimmune disorder, can't do anything, exhausted myself trying, basically lost hope, but my mind/ego can't accept either, so it's permanent war, constant war, eroding me away. Well, if it only would erode 'me' away ...but I keep buying into all this shite, again and again, despite knowing better, seemingly doomed to act out my fucking conditioning. Don't know in what book or lecture he said that, but it truely appears that way:

You can't do anything about it, and you also can not not do anything about it. (Alan Watts)

So I did the usual self-torture thing until I was so exhausted that I sat there sobbing for an hour in the middle of fucking nowhere. When there was little left, I started 'doing' some walking meditation which turned into me being walked, ..and then just walking was taking place, finally. Almost didn't make it back in daylight. At times I fear, other times I long for that something will just snap one day, give way, a mental singularity.. and then peace isn't covered up anymore. Or the stupid drama just keeps going..

Shit, this post was "uplifting" ..just look at the smilies . Sorry folks, didn't mean to..

Have a good week.

 

[Jabberwocky]

hey guys i wanted to apologise for my sudden absence. it has been a hard week had some heavy shit and have not been coping.

we could say that the impermanence of life hit me in the face. no one died but i have been given a stark lesson in not taking health for granted.

been having a lot of emotions about my mum and how growing up i was 'the bad child' and how much that damaged my psyche. she has been telling me i need to start being responsible and i just want to fucking shout at her- isn't it irresponsible to emotionally abuse your child from when they are pre verbal? i don't have a single positive memory of just me and her from childhood. i don't need her telling me about responsibility until she fucking steps up and takes responsibility herself.

i don't blame her for how i turned out but it would be wrong not to acknowledge that having a constantly critical parent does cause issues down the line.

been having a lot of smack dreams. my brain came up with this idea that the reason it didn't work the way i wanted on my lapses last year is cos i should have shot it instead of smoking. i also had this dream where the pharmacy by me gives you clean spoons and in my head for some reason this extra piece of sterile equipment would some how make it more responsible despite the fact that i know empirically that i am not capable of cooking up without putting the needle on the floor at least once.

 

[JessFR]

hey guys i wanted to apologise for my sudden absence. it has been a hard week had some heavy shit and have not been coping.

we could say that the impermanence of life hit me in the face. no one died but i have been given a stark lesson in not taking health for granted.

been having a lot of emotions about my mum and how growing up i was 'the bad child' and how much that damaged my psyche. she has been telling me i need to start being responsible and i just want to fucking shout at her- isn't it irresponsible to emotionally abuse your child from when they are pre verbal? i don't have a single positive memory of just me and her from childhood. i don't need her telling me about responsibility until she fucking steps up and takes responsibility herself.

i don't blame her for how i turned out but it would be wrong not to acknowledge that having a constantly critical parent does cause issues down the line.

been having a lot of smack dreams. my brain came up with this idea that the reason it didn't work the way i wanted on my lapses last year is cos i should have shot it instead of smoking. i also had this dream where the pharmacy by me gives you clean spoons and in my head for some reason this extra piece of sterile equipment would some how make it more responsible despite the fact that i know empirically that i am not capable of cooking up without putting the needle on the floor at least once.

It's really hard and frustrating to have a parent who keeps hurting you in spite of knowing that they love you. At least that's been my experience. I'm glad noone died and I'm really glad to see you back.

 

[Blankenstein]

I have icy cold fingers of anxiety clawing at my heart trying to force me to go get meth. As fortune would have it I have a severe cash flow crunch for the next day or so so I can’t do anything (except try asking for credit which everyone knows I’m good for).

I’ve lost my cool calm jocularity and feel like picking a fight with an idiot on Bluelight. It’s about 7 PM here so I’m just trying to get through another hour or so before totally sedating myself and crawling into bed. I feel so bone weary as much as anything and despite being full of anger I feel like sobbing over nothing.

My Mindfulness and CBT skills seem to have a reasonable grip and I know this is just the peak of a couple of days comedown and recovery. But it still feels horrible and I would probably be triggered by the slightest thing.

I had to bow put of a work zoom conference because there was a real chance I’d have burst into tears. Drug use eating into serious work commitments is the big red flag for me.

As is huffing away in my room when my kids are asleep in the house - which was as low as I got last week before chucking out all my glassware and other paraphernalia.

I hope everyone else feeling stronger and more resilient than I’m feeling at present. I’m hoping I’ll bounce back with another 12 hours sleep.

How did you go dude? Did you get any up? This was a couple of days ago so I hope you stayed strong

 

[Blankenstein]

hey guys i wanted to apologise for my sudden absence. it has been a hard week had some heavy shit and have not been coping.

we could say that the impermanence of life hit me in the face. no one died but i have been given a stark lesson in not taking health for granted.

been having a lot of emotions about my mum and how growing up i was 'the bad child' and how much that damaged my psyche. she has been telling me i need to start being responsible and i just want to fucking shout at her- isn't it irresponsible to emotionally abuse your child from when they are pre verbal? i don't have a single positive memory of just me and her from childhood. i don't need her telling me about responsibility until she fucking steps up and takes responsibility herself.

i don't blame her for how i turned out but it would be wrong not to acknowledge that having a constantly critical parent does cause issues down the line.

been having a lot of smack dreams. my brain came up with this idea that the reason it didn't work the way i wanted on my lapses last year is cos i should have shot it instead of smoking. i also had this dream where the pharmacy by me gives you clean spoons and in my head for some reason this extra piece of sterile equipment would some how make it more responsible despite the fact that i know empirically that i am not capable of cooking up without putting the needle on the floor at least once.

Sorry to hear you have been struggling? Are you travelling any better? I hope things are looking up...

 

[Jabberwocky]

How did you go dude? Did you get any up? This was a couple of days ago so I hope you stayed strong

Thanks for checking @Blankenstein. I did crumble for a few days but I’m getting back on track.

 

[Blankenstein]

I got back from my 2 weeks in the middle of nowhere. It was interesting... the station/ranch was run by alcoholics so even though I only took one block of beer with me so I would have the second week with out alcohol it didn’t quite work out as I had planned.

it’s so strange because after a long days work everybody just wants to drink and socialise which I didn’t want to do, but it kind of alienates yourself from everyone if you don’t, which can be bad when it’s so remote you actually need to rely on these people for help if anything goes wrong. I dunno it’s kind of complicated.

and now I’ve been back home for 3 days and have just binged on oxy for 3 days, but tonighrsv the last of that. Think I’ll go to a meeting tomorrow.

 

[Blankenstein]

Thanks for checking @Blankenstein. I did crumble for a few days but I’m getting back on track.

No worries man. That’s good to hear you are refocused. Eyes on the prize and all that...

 

[Jabberwocky]

Sorry to hear you have been struggling? Are you travelling any better? I hope things are looking up...

am a bit better thank you! had a family member suddenly and unexpectedly become very ill, but they are out of hospital now so i'm feeling a bit better.

need to work on my coping mechanisms.

it’s so strange because after a long days work everybody just wants to drink and socialise which I didn’t want to do, but it kind of alienates yourself from everyone if you don’t, which can be bad when it’s so remote you actually need to rely on these people for help if anything goes wrong. I dunno it’s kind of complicated.

and now I’ve been back home for 3 days and have just binged on oxy for 3 days, but tonighrsv the last of that. Think I’ll go to a meeting tomorrow.

it is frustrating when everyone else is on one and you don't want to be. i find it so hard when my boyfriend wants to drink, even if i was sure i didn't want to 5 mins ago if he's having a beer i'l be wanting one straight away. and yeah you don't want to alienate yourself.

also totally get bingeing on whatever you've been away from as soon as you get home. was the story of my life for a long time.

i need to sort my shit out, i've known for a long time now i want to go back to complete abstinence but i've not done it and i don't know why or how i can get to that goal.

 

[Fiori di Bella]

I got back from my 2 weeks in the middle of nowhere. It was interesting... the station/ranch was run by alcoholics so even though I only took one block of beer with me so I would have the second week with out alcohol it didn’t quite work out as I had planned.

it’s so strange because after a long days work everybody just wants to drink and socialise which I didn’t want to do, but it kind of alienates yourself from everyone if you don’t, which can be bad when it’s so remote you actually need to rely on these people for help if anything goes wrong. I dunno it’s kind of complicated.

and now I’ve been back home for 3 days and have just binged on oxy for 3 days, but tonighrsv the last of that. Think I’ll go to a meeting tomorrow.

OMG, I despise staying for any length of time in the middle of nowhere!

I hope you were able to return to a place where you saw those whom you loved and you had access to the many things that make life easier.

 

[birdup.snaildown]

Day 24 without drugs.

I wake up at 4:30 in the morning with a blinding ache pulsing from my frontal lobe. I spend the next two hours leaning over the toilet bowl, trying to vomit. When it finally comes, it's like a fire hose. My hernia and my damaged oesophagus make it painful to vomit, but it's such a relief.

There is no weed or dexamphetamine to fix this hangover and I can't keep a Panadol down long enough... so I have a shower instead. My job is stressing me out, so I've been drinking more than usual but this just makes it more difficult in the end.

I've spent too many days with my head in the toilet.
I'm getting to old for this shit. I need to stop drinking.

 

[Blankenstein]

OMG, I despise staying for any length of time in the middle of nowhere!

I hope you were able to return to a place where you saw those whom you loved and you had access to the many things that make life easier.

Yeh well I mean I didn’t have phone reception and VERY limited internet.

I leave to go back out in a week. I will do things differently this time. I will be with different people this time round as the dude i was with did my head in.

I just have to have eyes on the prize/money. I don’t intend on doing it for a long time.

 

[Blankenstein]

Day 24 without drugs.

I wake up at 4:30 in the morning with a blinding ache pulsing from my frontal lobe. I spend the next two hours leaning over the toilet bowl, trying to vomit. When it finally comes, it's like a fire hose. My hernia and my damaged oesophagus make it painful to vomit, but it's such a relief.

There is no weed or dexamphetamine to fix this hangover and I can't keep a Panadol down long enough... so I have a shower instead. My job is stressing me out, so I've been drinking more than usual but this just makes it more difficult in the end.

I've spent too many days with my head in the toilet.
I'm getting to old for this shit. I need to stop drinking.

24 days without drugs is amazing. That’s really awesome!

I don’t mean to pry, but do you have issues with your oesophagus? I just ask as I’ve seen an immediate family member have oesophageal varicose/bleeds. It was wasn’t very nice...