Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

[Jabberwocky]

Since then, I've been dead set on quiting. But i have relapsed. So, fuck me.

Once im in my apartment, which could be as soon as a month away, ill be far away from the drugs and the guys i live with. On my way back into the financial district. My therapist has an incredible amount of confidence in me, and honestly so do i.

At least, i am no longer in debt to my 5 main dealers this time around. That is a big step for me.

don't beat yourself up!!! relapses happen. addicts use like the earth goes round the sun, every day you can get clean is an achievement. and not being in debt and getting into your own place is great!

Thanx. Hm, yeah, I've become a bit of an owl. 9:30?

i used to be a night owl too, but now i have developed a more natural sleep pattern i get tired early. i have to start work at 9 and like going for a run before work.

urgh i was so dumb last night. made up for lost time as soon as my boyfriend left, got absolutely shitfaced. think i took most of a box of neurofen plus last night because it has disappeared which was really stupid. going to probably have made myself pretty ill cos even though its not much codeine its enough to fuck over my screwed opioid receptors.

also got some take out on my way home from the shops and purged it. i had no plans to. it just occurred to me that i could and then it was a foregone conclusion. i haven't done that for years.

 

[birdup.snaildown]

Day 3 without drugs.

After a 22 week break, I smoked weed every day for 4 weeks and consumed a copious amount of etizolam, alcohol and amphetamines. The first night sober (from drugs), I drank a bottle of wine before bed and still hardly slept. Last night I had a 6-pack of beer and managed to get maybe 6 hours over a 12 hour period.

Got to go back to work tomorrow.
I'm so fucking sick of withdrawals.

 

[Jabberwocky]

welcome back @birdup.snaildown - its shocking how bad things can get so quickly when you start using again. well done for stopping, i hope you're in an ok-ish state for work tomorrow. do you have any idea what started you using again?

i'm still in withdrawals from a small opiate binge at the weekend- so pointless cos i was blackout drunk at the time, just worked it out the next day by finding stuff missing. so its wrecked my week. had to taper cos i couldn't have worked otherwise. so tired and sleep has been shit. glad its friday but fed up with life.

 

[birdup.snaildown]

@chinup
It's a half shift tomorrow, so I'm sure I'll manage okay. I'm just so sick of withdrawal.

Thanks for caring.

 

[Jabberwocky]

a half shift is a good way to get back into things.... maybe distraction from withdrawal? never helped me but some people find it helpful. i am fucking sick of withdrawal too.

i want my fucking dental surgery to be over with so i can just not have opiates n the house anymore and not get in this situation again, but its going to be months ffs.

 

[Blankenstein]

Just wanted to say hello

Just joined the forum, used to be a member way back in the day for a short time.

Over the years when I have been down I have gotten a lot out of coming on here and reading people’s stories and what they are going through and your sense of community.

I have joined up again to try and get/stay clean and sober. So just wanted to check in to this thread and say gday.

I hope all of you who are trying to stay clean and sober are having a good day and achieving your goals. If any of you are struggling, know that there are people out there thinking of you (me included).

take it easy

 

[Jabberwocky]

welcome @Blankenstein - glad you have found the forum useful and hope that continues!!

well, i got blackout drunk again last night. have decided it unrealistic to try to stop drinking completely while we are still under lockdown but do need to try and stop getting soooooo drunk.

also my fucking dental surgery got cancelled AGAIN fml

 

[birdup.snaildown]

@chinup. not sure if this is helpful, but here's some tips on reducing alcohol intake:

1) Buy light alcohol. Around 3% makes it difficult (near impossible) for me to get too drunk and you don't get dehydrated either. 2) Buy alcohol you are not used to drinking. This helps a lot to break the cycle for me. If I have beer in the house, I will just keep drinking them until they are gone. If I change that to something alien, like white wine, my brain isn't trained to chug it. 3) Buy alcohol you don't much like the taste of. 4) Eat more food than normal. 5) Every time you have a sip of an alcoholic drink, slap yourself hard in the face. 6) Glue your lips shut. Staples don't work, because you can wedge a straw between them.

Day 4. Back at work. Everything is hunky dory now. Still drinking (in moderation) but no drugs. I'm getting too old to take drugs and be functional at work. My brain is turning into a vegetable. I'm starting to think I need to take a couple of years break.

 

[Blankenstein]

welcome @Blankenstein - glad you have found the forum useful and hope that continues!!

well, i got blackout drunk again last night. have decided it unrealistic to try to stop drinking completely while we are still under lockdown but do need to try and stop getting soooooo drunk.

also my fucking dental surgery got cancelled AGAIN fml

Thanks man.

I don’t know about you, but I find it difficult to not drink to excess the vast majority of the time. I find it easier to just avoid it all together, though that is sometimes easier said than done...

Where I am from we have been pretty lucky, so I have only had a small taste of the lock down thing, and I found that difficult enough.

sorry to hear about your surgery. I know a couple of people who have had surgery’s postponed a couple of times since covid. It’s pretty rough.

 

[Blankenstein]

@chinup. not sure if this is helpful, but here's some tips on reducing alcohol intake:

1) Buy light alcohol. Around 3% makes it difficult (near impossible) for me to get too drunk and you don't get dehydrated either. 2) Buy alcohol you are not used to drinking. This helps a lot to break the cycle for me. If I have beer in the house, I will just keep drinking them until they are gone. If I change that to something alien, like white wine, my brain isn't trained to chug it. 3) Buy alcohol you don't much like the taste of. 4) Eat more food than normal. 5) Every time you have a sip of an alcoholic drink, slap yourself hard in the face. 6) Glue your lips shut. Staples don't work, because you can wedge a straw between them.

Day 4. Back at work. Everything is hunky dory now. Still drinking (in moderation) but no drugs. I'm getting too old to take drugs and be functional at work. My brain is turning into a vegetable. I'm starting to think I need to take a couple of years break.

I also found that buying only a certain amount works if you are looking to reduce the amount you consume.
That way you have to leave the house to get more. This isn’t foolproof, but worked for me more often than not.

 

[Blankenstein]

I cracked today. Drank this evening, was 3 weeks without alcohol. Didn’t use anything else, though that is in part due to having a drug test in a couple of days and in part due to being unemployed and running out of money.

It stinks...

Yesterday I was sitting outside the bottle shop for a while finally decided not to drink and then found my self parked in front of another one the way home... drove off without buying anything and went to a pharmacy to get an emergency 3 days supply of Antabuse/disulfiram, but was told it needed to be compounded and they couldn’t help me. I was so devo, but I beat the craving and was so stoked. It’s such an amazing feeling waking up the following day having beaten a full day craving (doesn’t happen very often).

today had to take my dad to a medical appointment to try and deal with his alcoholism. It’s kind of fucked being the one to try and sort that out when I’m dealing with the same thing, feels super hypocritical...

Crashed my car a few day ago as well.

man I dunno... struggle town. Would love a bunch of Valium right about now...

I’ll be fine though. I’ll figure it out.

how is everybody else travelling?

 

[Blankenstein]

Rant over. Sorry...

 

[Jabberwocky]

That way you have to leave the house to get more. This isn’t foolproof, but worked for me more often than not.

i usually just go out and get more, then stress cos my dad is on my bank account so he can tell i'm not draining all my money on crack, so he sees all those small transactions and i don't wanna arouse his suspicion.

I cracked today. Drank this evening, was 3 weeks without alcohol. Didn’t use anything else, though that is in part due to having a drug test in a couple of days and in part due to being unemployed and running out of money.

today had to take my dad to a medical appointment to try and deal with his alcoholism. It’s kind of fucked being the one to try and sort that out when I’m dealing with the same thing, feels super hypocritical...

Crashed my car a few day ago as well.

don't beat yourself up. you're in a stressful situation, and having a go at yourself will just make it more stressful.

its not hypocritical, loads of people can help others in ways they can't help themselves.

hope your car is fixable?

well i have drank every night since last wednesday. yesterday i really thought i was gonna make it through. i was doing an online meditation thing til 8.30, but i heard my boyfriend going out while i was doing that, and as soon as i heard that i knew i was gonna drink. didn't drink enough to fuck up my sleep badly or give me a hangover thankfully. might need to stay at my parents for a bit to 'reset' again....but my mum annoys me so much, even just in our weekly 15 min catch up.

 

[Jabberwocky]

It's a brand new day. I have no drugs in the house and have binned all my smoking and shooting paraphernalia and deleted and blocked all drug-related contacts. This was just a 3 week relapse but it was very very intense with me doing more than 1.5 grams of meth in a day at the end. I had close to 8 hours sleep last night and get to spend the evening with my daughter which will feel good and keep me happy while my comedown starts. Tomorrow is a chance to sleep all day and then I have a date with a very sober woman so I hope I'm up for that.

It doesn't feel like the comedown is going to be particularly harsh but I'm prepared if it is. The interesting thing about this relapse compared to others is that most of the days I got high I actually felt depressed about being on meth and spending so much money on it and wasting so much of my life at the moment. It's a weird feeling to smoke or inject yourself into wide-awake depression. But I'm grateful I didn't really enjoy the experience.

 

[birdup.snaildown]

It's a weird feeling to smoke or inject yourself into wide-awake depression. But I'm grateful I didn't really enjoy the experience.

I had a similar thing with my latest relapse.
Good luck to you. You can do it.

 

[Jabberwocky]

glad you're back with us @Atelier3 and hope you are right that the comedown won't be too harsh. have you got any insight as to what lead you to pick up?

i managed not to drink last night. was a moody arse about it for like nearly 2 hours, but am glad i didn't break. can't believe i got through 3 day long heroin cravings!!!

 

[Jabberwocky]

glad you're back with us @Atelier3 and hope you are right that the comedown won't be too harsh. have you got any insight as to what lead you to pick up?

i managed not to drink last night. was a moody arse about it for like nearly 2 hours, but am glad i didn't break. can't believe i got through 3 day long heroin cravings!!!

Thanks @chinup. I really have no idea why I picked up because everything was going great in my life. Could hardly have been better in fact. I did stop taking my prescribed dexamfetamine for a few days so that may have made a space for cravings to emerge. Congratulations on the not drinking. The foul mood won’t last forever.

 

[Jabberwocky]

ah, well yes that will likely have something to do with it!! you need much longer stable before you risk messing around with your script.

you are right, the foul mood wont last, i'm feeling proud of myself. i feel like i may be up for attempting round 2 this eve.

 

[Blankenstein]

i usually just go out and get more, then stress cos my dad is on my bank account so he can tell i'm not draining all my money on crack, so he sees all those small transactions and i don't wanna arouse his suspicion.

don't beat yourself up. you're in a stressful situation, and having a go at yourself will just make it more stressful.

its not hypocritical, loads of people can help others in ways they can't help themselves.

hope your car is fixable?

well i have drank every night since last wednesday. yesterday i really thought i was gonna make it through. i was doing an online meditation thing til 8.30, but i heard my boyfriend going out while i was doing that, and as soon as i heard that i knew i was gonna drink. didn't drink enough to fuck up my sleep badly or give me a hangover thankfully. might need to stay at my parents for a bit to 'reset' again....but my mum annoys me so much, even just in our weekly 15 min catch up.

Thanks for your response. I really appreciate it. I didn’t actually log in for 2 days to BL because I was like “I over shared, people will think I’m a freak...”

Though the reason for me actually joining was to use this forum as help and support in trying to get cleanish. So yeh thanks.

My car is fixable. Thank fuck. I do have it insured thankfully. It would have been paid out if it was a write off, but I love my car and don’t want a new one. It will just take time to get the parts and the work done, but I will manage.

I can relate to you saying about when your boyfriend left the house that you thought you could drink. I think most people here could. Always looking for that small opportunity to use when nobody is around to judge or catch you. It is no easy feat to beat cravings as @Atelier3 said. Awesome work.

Also Atelier I’ve lurked BL this thread abit over the past year and wanted to say - good stuff for stopping again man. Sorry to sound like a stalker...

 

[Jabberwocky]

.

Also Atelier I’ve lurked BL this thread abit over the past year and wanted to say - good stuff for stopping again man. Sorry to sound like a stalker...

I’m flattered by followers. I haven’t got enough yet to start a cult, but I’m working on it. Thanks for the encouragement. Good on you too for making three weeks. Everyone knows that getting clean can be a two steps forward one step back process at time. Sounds like you are making progress regardless.