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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

bongdong

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monkeybody
Hey @chinup, I don't have all the details of your eating - weight - exercise endeavour in mind, perhaps that's why I'm writing this, to give you an 'outside' view. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with ambition, but you seem VERY goal driven. And when it does not turn out the way you want it to, a whole motivational structure (that apparently effects a bunch of other things too, like your not drinking, the feeling of achievment through progress etc. ...you well-being essentially) is in danger. That modus operandi is (amongst other things, like not being sustainable) prone to suffering. Guess how I know that. 😩

Judging weight loss (resp. yourself) on a weekly basis looks like a grim business. 🧡 You know how many factors go into this equation? A lot! E.g. once the body experienced series starvation, it can change/shift food partitioning (how it uses the energy it gets) drastically and it can take a long of time to change/reverse that. I know that's probably not what you want to hear. And there is a point where progress will fade, e.g. when you actually achieve the weight you wanted. What then?

(On the side, and I don't want to plant doubt in what you are currently doing, but you seem to go all out in your running? PB after another, which of course is a boost I understand. Do you give your body the chance to utilize fat during exercise?)

I'm not lecturing and trying to say that I have figured it all out, but I have a situation in my life where the goal oriented approach fails or failed. Driven, like you, I couldn't give up the achievement modus, ..and: 🤯 I feel, calmly working on the causes that will potentially bring about what you want and trying to be satisfied or rejoice in that seems the way to go. (What else can one do, really?) If it doesn't work out over time, focusing on different causes isn't a big shift, it certainly doesn't involve the collapse of all motivational structures, and this failure/loathing and erecting something else, chasing after the next thing business any more.

Sorry if this rant got too abstract, I had good intentions..

PS.: How goes the saying? The road to hell is paved with good intentions. 😟
 

chinup

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Hey @chinup, I don't have all the details of your eating - weight - exercise endeavour in mind, perhaps that's why I'm writing this, to give you an 'outside' view. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with ambition, but you seem VERY goal driven.
yes, very true. when i decide i will do something, in general i will do anything i can to do it. no matter how difficult. this got me through a shit hard PhD where new experimental results destroyed the model we'd been working on after 2 years (i.e. with only 1.5 years of funding to go). but its probably not so great in my personal life.

with my weight it is quite emotional because its tied to my self esteem. for the longest time the only things i liked about myself were being clever and being thin. using has destroyed my intellect and recovery has made me fat. thankfully i do have some self esteem that is not based on these now, but they are still central to my identity.

And when it does not turn out the way you want it to, a whole motivational structure (that apparently effects a bunch of other things too, like your not drinking, the feeling of achievment through progress etc. ...you well-being essentially) is in danger. That modus operandi is (amongst other things, like not being sustainable) prone to suffering. Guess how I know that. 😩
your post did seem to contain wisdom that is very hard won. you are right, my wellbeing is in danger. i know if starve myself for 3 days the old anorexia will rear its head and then it'll take a long time to get me out f that hole, possibly losing my job in the process.

(On the side, and I don't want to plant doubt in what you are currently doing, but you seem to go all out in your running? PB after another, which of course is a boost I understand. Do you give your body the chance to utilize fat during exercise?)
yes i am pushing myself pretty hard. i run before eating breakfast because i've been told this is the best time for weight loss.
I feel, calmly working on the causes that will potentially bring about what you want and trying to be satisfied or rejoice in that seems the way to go. (What else can one do, really?) If it doesn't work out over time, focusing on different causes isn't a big shift, it certainly doesn't involve the collapse of all motivational structures, and this failure/loathing and erecting something else, chasing after the next thing business any more.
yes you are certainly right. i know i've been eating much healthier and getting physically stronger. i don't know why a fucking number reduces all that to make it essentially irrelevant. i should probably stop weighing myself, but i've also read that daily weighing helps weight loss.
 

schizopath

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Dimension XYZÖ
I just need to avoid pregabalin, benzos, alcohol and stimulants and weed... Meh, cant be too hard, still got bupre and gabapentin. Im done with the fucking up or mental issues that come from those no no drugs.
 
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ions

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 29, 2019
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3,570
Location
Pennsylvania
Is invega recovery? or does it just make things worse?

Then again it's recovery from asshole attorneys and their summons to appear in kangaroo court. Personal hangups in their mind. Stirring up this bed of lies is the storyline for Jerks.

Anyway, it's the time of the month to get my invega shot. I gets to shove their face in dirt and tell them I'm the sexiest MF on the planet. Naw naw, I'm too nice to people.
 

QTpi

Bluelight Crew
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Aug 8, 2018
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I just need to avoid pregabalin, benzos, alcohol and stimulants and weed... Meh, cant be too hard, still got bupre and gabapentin. Im done with the fucking up or mental issues that come from those no no drugs.

I'm done with those "no-no" drugs too, schizo.

I was ~4 days clean. I had a minor slip up today for 30 minutes. Didn't effect my day, but pissed me off.

Tomorrow will be my first day clean of hard drugs. I have a lot on the line right now. My life is on the up and up.

Wishing everyone well.
 

chinup

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Tomorrow will be my first day clean of hard drugs. I have a lot on the line right now. My life is on the up and up.

good luck man. its not easy and i am amazed by people who can do it off their own bat. i never could. it takes fantastic strength and commitment.

i think i am going back to complete abstinence from all drugs. i feel ready. i've drank the past 4 nights cos i was pissed about not losing weight, yesterday i started drinking at 1pm and wrecked my sleep as a result. it was completely pointless.
 

bongdong

Resident Hermit
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
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231
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monkeybody
At the beginning of the year, as I wrote, I went off the kratom wagon (with just minor backfiring) - so I did what I set out to do, but I guess my head was not really there yet so I went straight back on once the tolerance was gone. Occasional use my ass! I don't know how I managed to get a tolerance so quickly again, but I'm now off again - cold turkey - and pretty surprised how uncomfortable and nasty it was this time. :confused: Anyhow, I'm now comitted to stay away from this jazz at least until some parts of my life go in a new direction, whatever this may look like. The year isn't that old, yet went through withdrawal two times.., am I stupid or what? I'm not a masochist..

Perhaps some of you can relate to that, but thinking back to those times, there seems to be an emotional intensity and depth to it, even though daytime activities are not tied to kratom use (except for the psychological component - the prospect to escape) cause I only use at night. This sort of escapism creates a little bit of a time capsule feeling, it reduced the world, helps to limit the mind and I'm actually 'more here' - I guess that's where this perceived depth comes from. Now, the mind tends to take it all in again, lots of past and future (drenched in pain, anxiety, uncertainty as it usually is) and things become flat and stale again. I know drugs are not needed in that regard, it depends on the capacity to be here in the moment I think...

Anyway, to what degree this is just tantrum/reaction of the ego/mind forced to give up a formed habit structure, I'm not sure.

Peace to y'all.. ☮️

Edit: @QTpi good luck/success dude..!
 
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QTpi

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good luck man. its not easy and i am amazed by people who can do it off their own bat. i never could. it takes fantastic strength and commitment.

i think i am going back to complete abstinence from all drugs. i feel ready. i've drank the past 4 nights cos i was pissed about not losing weight, yesterday i started drinking at 1pm and wrecked my sleep as a result. it was completely pointless.

I tried NA. Ended up using with one of them. And even aside from that, my own problems trump any of theirs. Not to undermine them, just saying their inspirational stories seem so irrelevant to mine.

I'm surrounded by drug addicts in my group home. The department of mental health gave me an affordable housing voucher despite the fact that they know i used meth because i went to the hospital for cellulitis. They're like, "let's get you out of that place and into an apartment ASAP". I got really lucky.

Good luck on sobriety. As much as i don't care for NA, being with y'all helps a bit. Let's do it together, for ourselves.

The year isn't that old, yet went through withdrawal two times.., am I stupid or what? I'm not a masochist..

Edit: @QTpi good luck/success dude..!

2021 still has a lot of potential. And the following years even more so.

Thanks man - i really need this apartment.
 
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chinup

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i'm so tired i can barely function.

i am supposed to be starting a new very time pressured project and my brain just isn't working. usually i look for commonalities in things but for this project i need to take on lots of specific information about one virus (no prizes for guessing which) and i literally cannot take on information.

been trying to get through to my doctors surgery to get some sleeping pills but no success and their website has been down since yesterday morning.
 

bongdong

Resident Hermit
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monkeybody
hey does anyone want a free drug test? I have heaps :)
Why? I usually have no doubt about it when I take some.. 🥴

Slowly some changes set in naturally, I eat more in general and also more varied. 💪 The 'sunny' sides become a bit more apparent and so more appreciative, like not being dependent on <something> while being in the midst of a fucking pandemic. I used to dismiss or dub this, but it for sure has created some background anxiety (in addition to..) while using. I seem to do more things, more engaged, even get shit done once in a while. :oops: Bit more available to the few people I encounter..

Still get some traces of physical restlessness (RLS, or RBS as I call it..) at night sometimes; never had this so prolonged before. :unsure: But sleep is there at least, so..

Anyway.
 

chinup

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The 'sunny' sides become a bit more apparent and so more appreciative, like not being dependent on <something> while being in the midst of a fucking pandemic.
i find this really hard, though its not with drugs anymore (well, alcohol aside i guess). i don't seem to have cracked internal happiness or self esteem. there are days when my entire mood depends on whether i think i'll get to go on the holiday i had booked and paid for nearly a year ago.

getting the fuck out of england was a major motivator for my recovery.

i'm having a fucking awful week but finally got through to the doctor and she has prescribed me some sleeping pills so hopefully some decent sleep will help. just feel hopeless right now.

i am taking out my frustration at life on my boyfriend which is not helping.
 

chinup

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also, i know its dumb, i have barely been able to work this week due to tiredness. but my colleague, who usually describes my work as 'excellent' said what i'd done is 'fine' and i could cry.
 

bongdong

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@chinup AH, some of what you write sounds painfully familiar (I mean the psychology), and (don't beat me, you said it yourself!) it's truly dumb. 🤗 Quite some time ago, I got so sick of this shit (these mind games - I think that's what it is..) that I actually started to give some priority to trying to understand and working on this, against all odds. (Desperation can make you a savage.) Not saying I've figured it out (yet), but it effects soo much that it seems really worthwhile and 'real enough' to make it a priority, at least for me. I mean that's something, isn't it? And when 'the world fails', I turn to that (or try to) and at times it's a genuine antidote to hopelessness. (Sometimes not.) Do you know what I mean?

Is it more 'getting the fuck out of england' or the longing for a specific place/experience?

Anyway, ..sleep well. 🏝️🏜️🌋🏔️🗻🏕️🌄🏞️🌅🏖️🗿
 

chinup

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thanks @bongdong - ha yes it is dumb and i'm not offended by you saying that cos its true. i think i get what you mean, rather than wallowing its better to approach such feelings with curiosity and try and work with them?

getting the fuck out of england is partly cos i always just feel better when i'm on holiday, my brain is so much less busy. being off work but at home isn't the same. partly cos of the weather, i like hot places. and partly cos i guess i'm a weird type of thrillseaker- like i don't do skydiving or bungey jumping or anything but i work at the forefront of human knowledge for a living and in my holiday time i like going to places that are hard to get to- you have to walk or sail to- or plain awe inspiring- like Iran for architecture or Tierra del Fuego for nature- and physically demanding. Having a trip booked that requires lots of hiking motivates me to keep fit all year.

i can go walking and shit in England but its not got the same novelty.

my boyfriend bought me some protein stuff cos i've only really been eating fruit, veg and the odd bit of pulses cos i'm trying to lose weight. hoping that will make me feel a bit better.
 

chinup

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morning all. made it through the weekend without any excessive drinking. not no drinking, but better for me.

still not sleeping well and exhausted as a result. better than last week though. fuckton of work to do today.

how is everyone?
 

Saint_Logan

Greenlighter
Joined
Aug 21, 2018
Messages
3
been a bluelight fan for years and years now. need a little help around kicking the last of a marijuana habit. been hovering around .25 of a gram for a while now. just need to clear my head. what the hell happened to all the old online addiction forums? there used to be tons of active ones, but now it's crickets almost everywhere.
 

chinup

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I've decided I'm going to reach out and get help to try some kind of therapy/addiction counselling. I've spent way too much time and money on something that hasn't been positive, and has led on wasting more time and money to pursue a fraction of the previous high.
Excellent!!! Very very few of us can do it alone. There gets to a point where you're using against your will and you need help to make an exit. get all the help you can, drugs services, counselling, meetings etc.

Hell, I could use the money to go for day trips or whatever. It's just ARGH how did I stoop so low?
Don't even think about it, you're making a rod for your own back.

i could have bought a house with what i spent on drugs but its not useful to dwell on. its done.
been a bluelight fan for years and years now. need a little help around kicking the last of a marijuana habit. been hovering around .25 of a gram for a while now. just need to clear my head.

good luck!! though not my worst addiction by far weed was my longest, didn't manage to kick til i got addicted to heroin lol, it just lost its appeal. it is so fucking frustrating- can you sleep without it? that was the big thing for me. though i'd find after a day or 2 of zopiclone so i didn't get absolutely no sleep, i could sleep naturally.

i dunno what its like for you but i associate weed with making boredom tolerable. just such an easy go to if you're at home with not much to do. so try and find constructive ways to fill your time.

you could also benefit from meetings, NA and such, don't be put off by the hardened junkies, i've known people get great help quitting weed through NA.
 
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