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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
10,056
She gave me a referral (finally) to a pain management. I have waited, as she stated they will call me with an appointment. It has been two days and still nothing. Of Course !
I will follow up however.

Right now, trying to decompress time!! Stomach ouch, stresses today. Getting back hurt pain and knotted ouch.

Hmmm. Stress relief might be a start. No ?
Made a recipe and put in the fridge for some good healthy stuff.

Still trying, everyday, and on a daily basis to just strive to be normal. It is exceptionally wonderful to be able to learn and know that anything can be possible.
However, prayers still help me to find strength and to stay happy and to learn to have a loving heart.

Hmmm uhh
<3
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
5,101
Location
Greatest city on Earth
difficult to remember but lightness inevitably follows

And its the contrast that makes the light so much more appreciable

thank you guys. i guess its sometimes so dark you can't believe light really exists.

i got through the day without doing anything really stupid and am off to bed. hopefully tomorrow will be better.
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
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Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
5,101
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well i'm feeling a bit better today. i had a big argument with my boyfriend yesterday cos he hadn't seemed to notice that i'd not really being functioning for a week, mostly in bed unable to do anything but also unable to sleep. i still feel pretty annoyed cos he knows i care about my job so giving up on trying to work and just going to lie in a darkened room multiple days in a row really should set alarm bells ringing.

but, he's been putting up with my shit for 18 years so i do know he cares even if my brain tries to convince me he doesn't.

we had a really nice evening after that. i did end up drinking though, but its the first time in a long time that i've not drunk until blacking out.
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
10,056
I don't know. Two days without any pain medicine yet. Just smoking. Walked around a little bit. Took dog. I want to use so bad right now but then it goes away. Need to try not to get diabetes too. But sometimes I just don't . . . care. Pain and inflammation is also a disease. I just want to cry sometimes. Going to take a little shard. fuck aspirins rn. Who cares. But . . . . I do.
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
10,056
Okay I took some. I hate life being in pain anymore. And I hurt just from lack of being able to do anything. Pressure points maybe from weight. ☹ Gravity. Whatever. Glad I will be getting an appointment somewhere that will at least listen to me. Referral is in the mail as well.
I hope I took enough. My back ribs don't hurt as much and I am feeling better already. Specailly since I gotta work. Going to puff too.
My greatest accomplishment anymore, Walking around everywhere a lot. At times.
I pray I get better. I made it this far. And learned far more. !!
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
10,056
Going to take a tolerance break from weed (thc) and not tell Pain Management when/if I get my appointment. Do have that referral however. If I test for it I will not want to mention at all that the wed isn't working anymore. That's all. 😮 🤷‍♂️
 

birdup.snaildown

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 5, 2020
Messages
1,676
Location
Formerly ForEverAfter
149 days sober today.
No drugs. No alcohol.
Not even a pain killer.

The first week was brutal. I didn't sleep. I had paranoid thoughts, very strong suicidal ideation, extreme depression, anxiety through the roof. I also had recurring auditory hallucinations. My entire body was covered with sweat.

There are so many reasons to relapse. So many excuses available to me. I'm smart (and stupid) enough to trick myself into failing. The devil on my right shoulder is stronger than the angel on my left.

I learnt not to trust myself, but it's maddening. Not trusting yourself means you have to consent to schizophrenia. You need to split yourself into two people. You have this voice - that isn't you - telling you things... and you have to ignore it all the time.

When the devil is in control for long enough, my angel has no voice. It is easy to ignore. Trying to ignore the devil, on the other hand, is like being a vegan shark.

At around the 3 month mark, I wasn't sure I could keep going any longer. I stopped posting on this forum because reading about drugs made it more and more difficult to move on. There was one post in particular where a young guy posted a video of himself smoking meth. That night, after watching him get high, I had an intense dream about getting back on the crystal.

Then, something unexpected happened.

Around the 4 month mark, I noticed that I wasn't looking over my shoulder waiting for a relapse to catch up with me. I lost track of the number of weeks I'd been sober. For perhaps the first time in my adult life, sobriety started becoming normal. I found myself growing accustomed to a life without drugs.

I don't intend to be sober forever. I miss getting high, but there isn't an emptiness waiting to be filled anymore. The need is gone.

Something I've come to realize is: drugs shouldn't be something you have to do. When you need them, they own you. When you can't live without them, you aren't free. You are a slave to chemistry.

Change is possible. The future is not dictated by the past. We imprison ourselves for security. We convince ourselves we cannot change - we cannot quit - because we are afraid of life without drugs.

I don't want a life without drugs, but I don't want to be afraid either.

Drugs can liberate people from the prison of society, but they can also imprison us if we aren't careful. Food can be a crutch. Television can be a crutch. So can drugs. Everything has the potential to imprison.

For the first time ever, I can see that moderation is not just a necessary evil. Tolerance exists for a reason. My body tells me - in more ways than one - when I've had enough. I've never listened to it.

Addicts are gluttons.

If you look at an obese person and you wonder how they could let themselves go like that, consider the invisible weight you bear and the silent damage you are doing to yourself.

When you recognise obsessive behaviour in others, like people binge watching TV all day, ask yourself if they bear any resemblance to your reflection.

Ask yourself if you are a prisoner.

If so: remember, only you have the key.

<3
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
5,101
Location
Greatest city on Earth
well done @birdup.snaildown that is a huge achievement!!! getting to the point where not using feels normal is a massive milestone. it doesn't mean you're in the clear, cos we never are, but you can start to relax a bit about 'when' you're gonna relapse as long as you keep up putting the work in.

i've had an ok week. been doing a mini rattle, not happy with myself. fucking kindling effect is driving me mad. had a headache i couldn't shift during the week i was super depressed so didn't care and had to pay the price. i really need to get in my head i can't use any opiates ever. but then i have my dental surgery coming up and i don't know how i'll cope.
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
10,056
I haven't not smoked thc for at least three years. Ya. So I am actually high from being sober. It's an altered state for sure.
6 days None !
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
5,101
Location
Greatest city on Earth
ha high from being sober is great @Hylight!

i'm ok, feel exhausted by life. did a 10k run this morning and sat around reading since then. feeling depressed about my weight loss this week being nonexistent, but i think i will actually get through the weekend without drinking as a result cos i know that will make it worse.
 

JessFR

Sr. Moderator: AADD, H&R, TDS
Staff member
Joined
Oct 22, 2012
Messages
13,696
149 days sober today.
No drugs. No alcohol.
Not even a pain killer.

The first week was brutal. I didn't sleep. I had paranoid thoughts, very strong suicidal ideation, extreme depression, anxiety through the roof. I also had recurring auditory hallucinations. My entire body was covered with sweat.

There are so many reasons to relapse. So many excuses available to me. I'm smart (and stupid) enough to trick myself into failing. The devil on my right shoulder is stronger than the angel on my left.

I learnt not to trust myself, but it's maddening. Not trusting yourself means you have to consent to schizophrenia. You need to split yourself into two people. You have this voice - that isn't you - telling you things... and you have to ignore it all the time.

When the devil is in control for long enough, my angel has no voice. It is easy to ignore. Trying to ignore the devil, on the other hand, is like being a vegan shark.

At around the 3 month mark, I wasn't sure I could keep going any longer. I stopped posting on this forum because reading about drugs made it more and more difficult to move on. There was one post in particular where a young guy posted a video of himself smoking meth. That night, after watching him get high, I had an intense dream about getting back on the crystal.

Then, something unexpected happened.

Around the 4 month mark, I noticed that I wasn't looking over my shoulder waiting for a relapse to catch up with me. I lost track of the number of weeks I'd been sober. For perhaps the first time in my adult life, sobriety started becoming normal. I found myself growing accustomed to a life without drugs.

I don't intend to be sober forever. I miss getting high, but there isn't an emptiness waiting to be filled anymore. The need is gone.

Something I've come to realize is: drugs shouldn't be something you have to do. When you need them, they own you. When you can't live without them, you aren't free. You are a slave to chemistry.

Change is possible. The future is not dictated by the past. We imprison ourselves for security. We convince ourselves we cannot change - we cannot quit - because we are afraid of life without drugs.

I don't want a life without drugs, but I don't want to be afraid either.

Drugs can liberate people from the prison of society, but they can also imprison us if we aren't careful. Food can be a crutch. Television can be a crutch. So can drugs. Everything has the potential to imprison.

For the first time ever, I can see that moderation is not just a necessary evil. Tolerance exists for a reason. My body tells me - in more ways than one - when I've had enough. I've never listened to it.

Addicts are gluttons.

If you look at an obese person and you wonder how they could let themselves go like that, consider the invisible weight you bear and the silent damage you are doing to yourself.

When you recognise obsessive behaviour in others, like people binge watching TV all day, ask yourself if they bear any resemblance to your reflection.

Ask yourself if you are a prisoner.

If so: remember, only you have the key.

<3

Congratulations man. That's huge, I honestly don't know if I could do what you did.
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
10,056
Yah, and who ever said ' easy come, easy go, 'has never tried to lose ten pounds. ♡
 

Atelier3

Moderator: SLR
Staff member
Joined
Sep 28, 2019
Messages
5,611
I’m struggling. I think it is really loneliness that derails me. 2 days of working from home and not going out and interacting with other people really negatively impacts my sense of making progress and proceeding with my personal and professional recovery. Apart from spending money I can’t afford to decorate my place, I have no sense f day to day achievement at all. It’s like I’;m treading water.
 

ageingpartyfiend

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 5, 2011
Messages
2,226
I’m struggling. I think it is really loneliness that derails me. 2 days of working from home and not going out and interacting with other people really negatively impacts my sense of making progress and proceeding with my personal and professional recovery. Apart from spending money I can’t afford to decorate my place, I have no sense f day to day achievement at all. It’s like I’;m treading water.
I feel you man, and have been having very similar experience for almost exactly one year.

Feels like approaching the limits of my resiliance sometimes
 

JessFR

Sr. Moderator: AADD, H&R, TDS
Staff member
Joined
Oct 22, 2012
Messages
13,696
I’m struggling. I think it is really loneliness that derails me. 2 days of working from home and not going out and interacting with other people really negatively impacts my sense of making progress and proceeding with my personal and professional recovery. Apart from spending money I can’t afford to decorate my place, I have no sense f day to day achievement at all. It’s like I’;m treading water.

I often feel like this. Often it feels like I'm just waiting out the inevitable.
 

birdup.snaildown

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 5, 2020
Messages
1,676
Location
Formerly ForEverAfter
Thanks for the kind words, people.

JessFR said:
Congratulations man. That's huge, I honestly don't know if I could do what you did.

Thing is, I didn't know if I could do it until I did it. Now I know I can do it, and I know I can do it again. Belief is a powerful thing. It's harder to accomplish something if you don't believe you can.

At this point, I'm certain I could do a year... but I'm not sure that I want to. There's a big difference between not believing you can do something and not wanting to do it. I used to feel trapped by drugs and alcohol. I wanted to be free from addiction, but I doubted whether that was possible after all these years.

Thing is, I don't want to get trapped by sobriety either. I used to go to AA and I always thought the bulk of people who attended were prisoners of sobriety. I didn't want to be like them. That experience scared me back to the bottle.

I'm still not sure if I can moderate without getting trapped again, but I'm starting to realize that's probably just in my head. If I believe I can't do it, it's easier not to do it... because I "can't".

I've always told myself I can't moderate, but now I think I can.

It's just going to be hard.
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
5,101
Location
Greatest city on Earth
@Atelier3 i completely feel you on having no sense of day to day achievement. even though when i look back at a working week i can see i got stuff cone. i think all the days blurring into one due to endless lockdown make it hard for things to stand out now.

i do think decorating your flat is a great idea though, its better than spending money you can't afford on meth. given how much we're stuck inside now, making an environment you actually want to be in is a great bit of self care. get some houseplants too! i can't decorate in my rental but really enjoy having some greenery and them not dying makes me feel more functional.

i have lost 0 weight in a week and its a bummer. i haven't exercised much cos of my mini rattle and though my meals are still centred on vegetables and pulses i have been a bit more slack about things like nuts and chocolate. i actually think i gained some muscle this week too but i still want that number to be going down.

but, i did not drink last night or the night before so i'm proud of that.
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
5,101
Location
Greatest city on Earth
i am going fucking demented!!!!

i have lost no weight since 8th Feb. this motivated me not to drink at all over the weekend. on saturday i got a pb on my 10k, before breakfast, had a normal breakfast and dinner and a small snack, no lunch. similar eating on sunday with a joe wicks HIIT workout.

yesterday i ran 5k before breakfast, got a new 3k pb. went for a walk at lunchtime. had normal breakfast, 2 apples and a bit of peanut butter for lunch, and lentil salad, green salad, and roasted sweet potato for tea.

what the actual fucking fuck am i doing wrong?!?

really feel like it would be easier to just starve myself but can't do that while i'm on probation in my new job cos it fucks my brain.
 

birdup.snaildown

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 5, 2020
Messages
1,676
Location
Formerly ForEverAfter
So, 22 weeks... 154 days. Personal record. It had to end at some point. Doesn't feel like this is a relapse. Maybe it is? I don't know. I didn't give in because I couldn't keep going. It was a decision. Perhaps that is what they all say.

I'm at this weird place now. I'm not addicted to anything anymore, but being sober ultimately isn't making me happy. I expected it to fix my problems, but now I realise that - hey - everyone has problems... it's not like non-addicts are all just naturally high functioning. It's not like life is easy when you don't get high.

I think people have been telling me my problems stem from drugs and alcohol for so long that I ended up believing it... but (at the end of the day) are they perfect?

My problems run deeper than the chemicals I ingest. This is disheartening, but it's also good to know that sobriety isn't the ultimate solution. I think a lot of people harbour the same delusion. We are told we're sick because we're addicts. But - really - isn't everybody sick? Maybe addiction is just a layer of my sickness.

People say marijuana is demotivating. I don't know. It is and it isn't. Personally, my level of motivation doesn't increase that significantly when I take a break. But, then, I'm super depressed and I have been for a long time. I think - maybe - my depression outweighs my addictions. I hope it does, because otherwise I'm stumped.

I see a lot of sober demotivated people, staring into their phones. Are they all depressed, too?

Personally, I suspect that media demotivates me more than weed. I hate how reliant we are on technology. I hate how the MSM manipulates me and lies to me and destroys my faith in humanity.

I haven't played video games for 2 months. I'm going to sell my console. I don't want that in my life any more.... I wonder, if I quit watching films and TV too. If I quit using phones. If I quit using computers... Would that have more or less of an impact than sobriety?

Political discussions are toxic. The news is designed to turn us against each other. Media is like a vampire that feeds on fear and prejudice. I often look back at periods in my life when I was high as a kite all the time and find myself envious of my former self. I used to stay out of politics. I never watched the news. My head wasn't full of all this digital shit. I was just myself: free and wild and naked.

I found myself when I started taking drugs. The more sober I get, the more I feel like I'm losing myself.

Apologies for being depressing.
 
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