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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷

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I think my brain has undergone structural changes from both the Meth and from the Abilify and other antipsychotics I have taken over the last 10 years.

:cry:

I certainly hope that these changes are not permanent. I've been taking mirtazapine for more than 16 years (which is relatively benign compared to antipsychotics) and carbamazepine for more than 18 months. I'm going to wean off the carbamazepine, because it is causing me to feel depressed and suicidal (for some reason I've had a brain snap, you can see where I cried in one of my recent posts from a couple of days or so ago). So when I read that post I decided that I didn't want to feel this low again and I knew that although carbamazepine had a slightly calming effect it was also making me feel sad, too sad...now that I think of it.

I already have an appointment lined up with a GP and will ask her to refer to a psychiatrist who specialises in ADHD to see what my options are. I know I have some autism spectrum disorder, but I also have some ADHD going from an online questionnaire I completed a week or so ago.

Fingers crossed. Perhaps I can quit the mirtazapine as well as the carbamazepine...I'm not entirely sure, but I'd like to stick to one or two meds and feel some sort of energy, some sort of drive, and lose some much needed weight as well.
 
finally feeling slightly better today. fuck the kindling effect big time.

have a job interview later, apparently i completely aced the tech test, so really hope i get it so this nightmare can just be over.
 
thanks! i think it went OK, was talking for a long time. so now just have to wait. job sounds really cool though.
 
I was really marvelling at how emotionally stable I have been since quitting meth over a month ago. Basically I have been as cheery as anything which runs counter to what everyone says happens. Then last night I got really triggered by a family member - now I’m a ball of seething anger, some of which has seeped out in conversation with said family member. I am not totally and rationally in control of my emotions at this point. Which makes me kind of depressed and sad. However, I know it won’t last forever. I just need to keep to myself for a few days I think. And maybe reflect on why I got so triggered.
 
am needing the kill shot
for the hurt stabbing maim
to stop, it, the most dire heart
ice pick pain.

no help from pickle juice, magnesium,
or jane
just somehow trying to sustain
and waitng for relief to not complain..

need being free to breath
or might not be here much longer,
until i can get better
and so much more stronger.

too much is enough
so and . . . . today
- is all that i have got to say

hehe ha hey
 
Focus, meditation, and redirection.

I didn't do drugs last night eventhough I wanted too. I was able unwind with meditating to slow down and sleep.

Did sleep, however, eventhough too much again, I am actually sleeping. Can appreciate happiness and feelings again through love and support.

I still do not dream but is not anything I am wishing for anyway. Lol. ♡ However I do pray and am thankful for everything that is a gift from the heart and is a blessing.

Still eating crazy amounts of sugar but am actually cooking and cleaning again.

Tremendously appreciated the value of harm reduction and awareness of it, as well as pharmaceutical research. Should be part of a safety and wellness curriculum.

Also awareness is a great pathway to progress and advance through abilities from strength and difficulty.

Okay. Am now off to do drugs again but in much smaller amounts and less often or in a less timely manner.

Hopefully I wont do any at all. But today I might choose to do a small dose. But for pain relief only !!

Thank goodness for empathy and support. And definitely for great company. (y)
 
Rio and chin up how you both doing. I'll have a read through to see how you both been
 
hey yuba how are you!?!? i had a mini lapse that was totally shit, but i think i've drawn a line under smack and crack now. no more for me. but i am drinking, not every day, but i have an erosion in my stomach from when i was drinking really heavily and its already flaring up and if i don't stop now it'll just get worse and worse til its intolerable.
 
hey yuba how are you!?!? i had a mini lapse that was totally shit, but i think i've drawn a line under smack and crack now. no more for me. but i am drinking, not every day, but i have an erosion in my stomach from when i was drinking really heavily and its already flaring up and if i don't stop now it'll just get worse and worse til its intolerable.
Chinup how you doing . I read some of your posts when you was back on the brown its good to hear you got out of it. Smack and crack is so good I miss it but it only ends in pain. With your drinking cut it down then stop your health is the most important thing my friend. I flew in yesterday and today I brought a massive amount of pregabs and 50 valiums for the withdrawl. Why do we fuck up I know I have bad withdrawals on pregabs but cant stop as soon as I'm back in the UK drugs come back in my life. It feels so good to be back I love the states and in yuba city the weather still great but I feel at home in England I feel British but this one sacrifice i owe my wife . What you drinking chinup beer or spirits . How is rio doing i not seen any recent posts
 
i pulled a muscle in my right shoulder. is taking the wind out of me. it was so scary i thought it was heart attack city.

put ice on it. took two baby aspirin. can't even get up. too weak to even cry. just have to lay here. fck it all. i really don't care anymore.
pain hurt so bad can't even speak. maybe will it turn back into chronic throb !! i don't know.

diabetes, bad diet, no exercise or workouts.
depression, agitation. neglect of responsibilities. just complete deterioration in less than two years. wow how is it that possible. now, yes. feeling beyond into the bones.

i don't know. severe arthritis and brittle bonez. definitely was diagnosed with the arthritis years ago at very young to have had it. it hurts. always did.

heart condition and diabetes runs in the family. and yes it really does happen. and yet at this time i decide to persevere and not give up.

this is all a trigger from my right arm that i cannot move.

i wonder how long i am going to be like this now. maybe when i wake up in the morning i will be better.

i can't get up otta bed now. well i can but it makes me wantntom cry.so bad. hurts like the wind getting knocked out by the blow. pain. crazy stabbing don't want to walk across the room pain.

the ice pack and baby aspirin helped the stabbing of the pain. along with the gurney position to immobilize. it hurts completely all the way over to the torn up wrist ligaments to whole entire wrist inflammation.also,a bit painful.

i had just started getting better and was able to function like normal and felt almost able to feel healthy.

took some pain medication and tried to cull and clean. seemed like it was resulting into sore muscles but then quickly developed into inflamed painful arm movement.

so i have to just lay here again now like i am just paralyzed. the thing is it is because it is really painful to move.

it has been getting really super cold lately. i am supposed to be doing my yoga and physical therapy moves but seriously barely can make it to the refrigerator to refreeze the ice pack.

i am so hurting and i had to go work two ugly shifts in a row. almost three but i couldn't make it.

also have been trying to spring clean early so hopefully it can all be finished by next summer.

now maybe i don't have long to live. maybe dying of bone cancer. don't want to be around people or covid or go to the hospital. just you know it's then pain and the beyond stabbing pain and more. like something new and even worse.

just not sure how or why it feels like one of the worst pulled muscles ever. just fucking owwwch. ow.

yeah ah turned all lame and i hate it. hate it so much. seriously. waaah wah. wtf. there are prolly 90 year olds that can shoot hoops around me. i don't wanna be like this. anymore.

yeh <3

oww.,please pain go,away. go,away.
 
yah. it was really bad then. and allot worse now.
so what to do to get over it all. can just don't want to anymore. but will keep on anyway. hehe. o.f !!
 
Aspirin not going to shit for your pain . Have you got any naproxen that good for pain and inflammation even normal Nurofen good for it
 
Put some heat on it bruv don't try moving your arm to much
did that ever happen to you before !!

it stopped hurting for a while then i got up and it is pounding pain again. takes every bit of will to go on living. the pain is in cycles. will take the naproxin a son as i can.

i might have to leave. say goodbye to everyone. and thank you so much. i learned so much about taking medicine and about tolerance breaks.

i dont know how i pulled it so bad. may be debilitating arthritis or bone cancer.

maybe i will have to look for a pain forum since baby aspirin is calming me down and and stopping the incapacitating throbbing until it starts again.

i don't know how long before the pain will completely stop. something is wrong. i don't know how to stop the dying.

how long is it supposed to last. i have work to do. i am trying to go on living but this isn't life anymore.
 
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