Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷

[Hylight]

i have to quit eating all this sugar all of the time. it is killing me.
why is it that nothing is purith as water.

 

[Hylight]

oh sh¡t. just breathe ! ☺

 

[Hylight]

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Hope you are feeling better. I've thought about going to NA myself, but I'm concerned about the possibility of it being recorded in my medical file, and I don't want to be denied pain medication when I get older. Hopefully by then things will improve with governments, but I can't honestly see it happening as much as I would like to think it will. I used to pop codeine tablets when I felt miserable, they didn't work well, so I had migrated to MS-Contin pills, I'm talking high doses too. This was a while ago, back in the early 2000s as a way to cope with depression and living conditions.

Group meetings like NA & SMART Recovery are totally anonymous. You don't even have to give your real name, or any name, if you don't want to. If you are religious then I would suggest NA, but if you aren't religious I would recommend SMART Recovery. It's a secular, science-based approach to recovery and IMO has all the practical tools & techniques of the 12 step groups as well as that essential peer support but just without the 1920s religious fluff.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

i have to quit eating all this sugar all of the time. it is killing me.
why is it that nothing is purith as water.

You and me both hylight!! I am great all day and then late at night I fiend for chocolate & sugar like I used to fiend for heroin! I am not ready to cut it out completely since like 90% of my daily willpower still needs to be allotted to resisting drug cravings and I don't really have any to spare yet for resisting unhealthy food, but I want to at least try and moderate it. I have a tendency to keep eating it even when I'm no longer hungry, at all, and aren't even enjoying it. How have you been recently??

 

[Hylight]

These sugar fix's can turn into Diabetes and Inflammation. Not that it will present, however it can.

I'm good.

I have been having anxiety really bad, however it just comes and then goes away in waves. Like last night at work I started going through my work bag for a piece of a xannnie but had none but found baby asprin instead. Took two. Didn't help this time. Soo, then micro waved a single frozen three cheese pizza. Did the trick. Settled me real well. Now I have a junk food and sugar habit that I am going to have to quit next. ☺.

but on the way in to work i was the second car to arrive at the burning inferno in the way. A vehicle on fire. no law enforcement, no fire trucks yet was happening in real time. The first car yo's out the window, ' it keeps igniting "

hour and seven minutes late to work only maybe was a trigger, it's hard to say when the next wave of anxiety is going to hit. or why even. i tried to read about rebound anxiety. this could be a possibility
Or maybe reactions to stress everywhere is just normal ! idk.

I don't know this is all new to me because i am just familiar with chronic pain relief.

I forgot that I have prescription zyrtec. I just completely forgot even having zyrtec around at all. I remembered when trying to think of something to take for comfort. every once in a while when i get real desperate i force down some imodium. lol

hy
thnxx, it helps so much too. ☺

 

[Rio Fantastic]

@Hylight, being late to work because of a car wreck sounds like a pretty clear trigger to me that would cause some level of anxiety in almost anybody. And if I were you I would personally address a benzodiazepine habit as a priority, especially if it's your go-to for dealing with anxiety. I'm sure you don't need me to tell me that that can cause enormous problems if it's left unchecked.

 

[xburtonchic]

What up SL! Been a long time. I have been free of all drugs, alcohol, and tobacco since June 25, 2019. It’s been completely worth it and my life is so different from what it was a little over a year ago!! Currently working for Teen Challenge in the Pacific Northwest area and so grateful to God for snatching me out of my mess.
Love you guys

 

[Hylight]

@Hylight, being late to work because of a car wreck sounds like a pretty clear trigger to me that would cause some level of anxiety in almost anybody. And if I were you I would personally address a benzodiazepine habit as a priority, especially if it's your go-to for dealing with anxiety. I'm sure you don't need me to tell me that that can cause enormous problems if it's left unchecked.

Yes, and definitely. However, I do have anxiety real bad sometimes.

It wasn't really the car accident or wreckage that caused the anxiety. There just happened to be a car fire while I was having the anxiety, of course.

So I couldn't handle the situ the way that I would have liked to be able to. I don't know, but this type of anxiety does feel like it could be debilitating.

Thanks though. I am terrified of benzodiazepine. Xanax in particular, and is the only benzo that I ever used except for valium.

Medication is how I started researching information, not only just on the substance itself and the effects, but also the risks long and short term including preexisting dangers.

I mean who ever would get a lifetime prescription of xanax has hit the mega lottery of prescription medication is my personal sentiment.

So anyway the xanax benzo's that I do have, I am going to make last, if I actually even take them at all, until I can try out some valium, instead.

But I have tried valium when I was young and it was way better than xanax for me in particular.

I freeze and shake from nerves at times. lol. It's true. Most of the time I usually do not suffer that badly than as times in the past.

Panic attacks are also a real condition that do manifests as a condition somehow.

I'm a grown adult and feel I have the right to choose what I put inside me as I also have the right to know as much information about the medication as possible to protect health and well being.

And if I can learn to help myself then I in turn would be able to help others also.

Even when I am prescribed medication by a doctor I still research the medication and decide for myself if it is actually imperative to ingest. Also, I want to know as much as possible before making that decision, being that I am wired with some type of caution fixation.

Apologies for this long reply, however, I focus on moving forward in recovery everyday in the most direct route as possible, and when possible. But I do keep alert to harm reduction and safety, of course and thank you !!

My greatest struggle is with pain medication which is not available much for distribution anymore. Thank you again for your focus, and it absolutely does make so much sense. Sincerely.

Also, fwiw, sometimes flower marijuana, for me in particular, will stop my need for actually having to take benzodiazepine.

So the flower has been such a great option to also help with a certain level of anxiety. It seems to be one of the best options and helped out significantly many times for anxiety.

I would like to reduce to just one option and then only as needed. Always my priority and goal is to take only as prescribed and just as needed.

This is usually the way my medication is administered anyway. Unless it is a medication that is an antibiotic that must be taken in a timely manner.

Yes, it's not good to be too dependent on anything. Balance is a healthy and stable behavior for sure.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Definitely @Hylight! Have you tried any non-benzodiazepine medication for you anxiety?? Some people get relief from SSRIs and other substances that aren't as prone to causing dependence? It's smart that you research it first! Have you ever been dependent on benzos??

 

[Shady's Fox]

CBD Oil, the best for treating any kind of feeling. I would def go with that because with these seasonal WD's your brain will slowly become a raisin.

 

[Hylight]

Definitely @Hylight! Have you tried any non-benzodiazepine medication for you anxiety?? Some people get relief from SSRIs and other substances that aren't as prone to causing dependence? It's smart that you research it first! Have you ever been dependent on benzos??

real quick for right now. i am not dependent on benzo's
i think as far as i know right now. And thanks to BL am taking all precautions.

sorry if previous post was a tldr one lol but just wanted to emphasize that harm reduction is a huge focus for me and also I am trying not to get involved with yet even more medication.

Also I will have to research SSRI. Not sure if that is something I would be interested in when my issue is finding pain relief support somehow for chronic pain that is my duress and my only concern.

I am also seeking pain relief from a healthy perspective along with harm reduction but have always taken as prescribed and as needed, if that can be acknowledged and is acceptable as far as my drug consumption and purpose for doing so.

If i may have an attempt at a guess, i am thinking that SSRI will not help with my pain issues, however.

Appreciate all concerns as well.

 

[Hylight]

anxiety from quitting pain meds.

but i can't do tramadol and will make me sick.

i know. i am just a silly.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

real quick for right now. i am not dependent on benzo's
i think as far as i know right now. And thanks to BL am taking all precautions.

sorry if previous post was a tldr one lol but just wanted to emphasize that harm reduction is a huge focus for me and also I am trying not to get involved with yet even more medication.

Also I will have to research SSRI. Not sure if that is something I would be interested in when my issue is finding pain relief support somehow for chronic pain that is my duress and my only concern.

I am also seeking pain relief from a healthy perspective along with harm reduction but have always taken as prescribed and as needed, if that can be acknowledged and is acceptable as far as my drug consumption and purpose for doing so.

If i may have an attempt at a guess, i am thinking that SSRI will not help with my pain issues, however.

Appreciate all concerns as well.

Don't apologise for making long posts, hylight!! One of the main reasons Bluelight is such a valuable resource for us is because it's a place to vent and get heard by people that understand what we're going through. I don't have many places in my life where I can be brutally honest and admit that everything is going well but I still often have an overwhelming desire to put a syringe in my arm and inject heroin, and that I often find myself forcing restraint because a part of me wants to just say "fuck you" to everyone trying to help me, to my job, to my friends, to my life and just embrace the drug that's been destroying me from the inside out these past seven years. There aren't all that many people in my life who would even begin to understand that impulse, but thankfully I have Bluelight where I can share that and not shock people because the people listening will have been in a similar place themselves. Never apologise for expressing yourself hylight!

Getting prescribed an SSRI will be far simpler & quicker than finding pain relief. All the controversy and the opioid epidemic has made doctors extremely cautious, often to the point of withholding medication to those genuinely in pain/suffering, since the consequences for failing to prescribe pain medication where it is needed are far less than being discovered facilitating addiction. SSRIs on the other hand are still given out like skittles to anyone showing up to a doctors office complaining of depression or anxiety. An SSRI will not help with your pain at all, I was recommending it for your anxiety. There doesn't have to be a dichotomy here by the way - antidepressants & pain relief aren't an either/or situation, being on one will not prevent access to the other one at all, so please don't worry about that. SSRIs are often first line treatment for anxiety disorders these days so I'm surprised you have been prescribed benzodiazepines instead, though they are admittedly far more effective for acute anxiety attacks, but SSRIs pose far less risks & are often a more effective therapeutic tool in the long run.

Don't beat yourself up for suffering either! We often make our own pain worse by adding to it an additional layer of self-criticism. "I shouldn't be feeling this way", "I should be able to deal with this" etc are all toxic thoughts if we're using them to beat ourselves up for feeling the way we feel. Try to accept & own your emotions and don't think of them as invalid. You are a valid person and (from what I can see!) a good person to boot, and you deserve to not be suffering needlessly. I hope you make some progress towards treating your issues, since you seem like a really caring person (I wanted to say man/woman then but I realize I don't actually know your gender??)

What's your drug consumption looking like these days?? Is it just benzos when needed for anxiety?? You mention opioids - I assume you're off them for the time being?

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I'm feeling really good today, so I'm trying to reign it in and not get carried away with it since I'm still very unstable. I'm 24 days clean today (well "clean" - I'm taking 2mg of subutex/day and drinking coffee and vaping nicotine all day long, but that's still clean to me!!) and I know from experience that the mood swings will last at least 2 months and possibly longer. I am trying not get too attached to my emotions, which is easier to practice when I'm in a good mood rather than only trying to apply it when I'm not feeling good. How is everyone else??

is anyone else like stunned its already september?? I have spent so much of 2020 using, but the start of the year was during a period of sobriety so I remember it like it was last week. I have clear distinct memories of my periods of sobriety interspersed with giant blurs and blank spaces where using took over and I don't seem to make any memories during 90% of the time I'm high. Can anyone relate?

 

[Hylight]

Sometimes the pain makes the emotional almost go away. too.
hip hurt. i didnt know ligaments can get torn inflamed. i didnt know injuries can happen and get bad. like in my wrist too.
its okay and i can try apple cider vinegar for inflammation good circulation. i thought maybe it was going to rain but i think imslept on my side for much too long. no bed soars yet. i am kind of making a joke. But, yes, i will lol try to work out and excersise and strength train too, for a healthier outlook. sppell check made excersise into expertise lool.

 

[Hylight]

What's your drug consumption looking like these days?? Is it just benzos when needed for anxiety?? You mention opioids - I assume you're off them for the time being?

Not really that much !! But i'm a goofygirl. i mean female lol.

Thank you foe writing ! You are awesome ! that's the problem. you are too awesome ! J/K

Gawd thank you. And oh gowd does it ever stop the pain !! Oh does it ever. Yes ! One must be able to get up again, i guess.

 

[Jabberwocky]

yes @Rio Fantastic I can't believe its September, don't feel like we've had a summer really, lockdown has meant most summery type activities have been out of bounds.

urgh i'm losing my shit a bit. have this interview morning for the job i really really really want but likely won't get. i asked them what they would be asking me about and they didn't get back to me so I'm trying to prepare but really just taking shots in the dark. AND, i realised that this might not even be the final stage of the recruitment process. honestly not sure i can cope. i hardly did any prep yesterday cos i was too exhausted to think. better today but too panicky to really take anytihng in.

 

[Hylight]

yes @Rio Fantastic I can't believe its September, don't feel like we've had a summer really, lockdown has meant most summery type activities have been out of bounds.

urgh i'm losing my shit a bit. have this interview morning for the job i really really really want but likely won't get. i asked them what they would be asking me about and they didn't get back to me so I'm trying to prepare but really just taking shots in the dark. AND, i realised that this might not even be the final stage of the recruitment process. honestly not sure i can cope. i hardly did any prep yesterday cos i was too exhausted to think. better today but too panicky to really take anytihng in.

Just stay calm as possible. Be as confident as you can and be calm and focus. You can do this.
Even if you don't know an answer, do as best as you can and listen to what they have to offer. But be be confident and professional. You have this !! ♡

 

[Jabberwocky]

thanks @Hylight! you're a darling.

i know fundamentally you are right but my brain is just like but but but, but honestly if they don't hire me cos i don't know some specific algorithm on binary trees or something else i've never used and don't claim to know, then its silly. i dunno. and it totally sucks that even if I get through this, there might be ANOTHER interview!!