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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷

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NEVER GIVE UP
Never lose hope.
Allways have faith,
It allows you to cope.
Trying times will pass,
As they always do.
Just have patience,
Your dreams will come true.
So put on a smile,
You'll live through your pain,
Know it will pass,
And strength you will gain.

ThankYou.


​
 
Feeling acceptable. Sleep is not perfect but ok, anxiety and depression on manageable levels. That counts as a good period for the time being.

Reminder:

Don't overthink. Plan but don't go to far into the future. You don't know the future. Try to live one day at a time. When it gets hard try to get through the next hour. When it gets really rough focus on the next minute. If it becomes unbearable focus on your one breath at a time. You can do this. You are strong. You have been through the worse. The other side is nearer every moment you hang on. <3
 
ha yeah projection is a fucking killer. i do find it hard though, cos if i just focus on the next hour, then i will actually be unemployed come the end of my contract. i know i know, we're allowed to take actions now that will affect the future but how do we decide on the acrtions without projecting into the future?!?
 
Yes, it is easy to know what one should do, much harder to actually do it...
 
The dawn brings bleary eyes, an emptied bank account, a modest sense of shame and futility but most importantly a new resolution not to squander the second half of 2020 like I did the first. Time to get my serious professional life back and put the vicious cycle of mania-fuelled drug benders and drug-fuelled mania to rest. I need a recovery plan.
 
I resolutely support your resolution @Atelier3 !

I know it can be done as in the first half of this year I successfully stopped buprenorphine. As I said, we are warriors and we can do it. You can do it! Hurry patiently :)
 
Another week is starting. I have pinched a nerve in the neck area so not feeling like lowering my diazepam dose. Will stay at 25mg for another week. Being active has it's own cost but it pays off in time. I wish you all a stable week. :)
 
ouch!! yes let yourself heal first, its no good putting yourself through unnecessary pain, the more strain you put your willpower under, the more likely it is to break.

i am finding it hard to stay awake for a full day. i don't know if its depression or lockdown lethargy or what. i'm going to start opening my blinds so i get some natural light and try to go out for walks if i'm not running that day, even if its not a nice day. i've bought some berocca type stuff to make sure i'm not missing vitamins but my diet is varied and has plenty fruit and veg so i don't think that's the issue.

i found two jobs to apply for today and am speaking to a recruiter tomorrow so i guess there's some hope.
 
well that recruiter said she would send me the job description so i could decide if i wanted to go for it, then didn't, even when i sent her a prodding email. why the fuck would you lie? what is wrong with just saying 'i don't think you're suitable for the job?'

i'm having a duvet day today. had some horrendous allergies yesterday that just destroyed me and have some sort of hangover. was supposed to go to a friends but i was umming and aaaahing about it anyway due to the completely illogical new lockdown in my city- we're not allowed in each others houses, but are allowed in bars and restaurants!! ffs.
 
Truly sorry for your experience. I really dont like when people are not up front and they lie just because they don't want to have "inconvenient" situation. Or better yet, because they want to look as somebody who will help you/solve some problem, while in fact they know that they are lying. That always annoys me very much. people should learn the simple words "I dont know". Something will be on horizon if you live up to your name and keep your head above the water. :)

I had a pretty hard week cause it is su hot and humid here and I just do not like those conditions. But I will give 22.5mg diazepam a try tomorow. Hope it goes well.
 
yeah it toally sucks, to get someones hopes up when the job market is this dire. and yes the knowing full well they're lying gets to me, just brow a backbone!!

i don't think anyone likes hot and humid conditions so i don't blame you!!
 
Atelier3 said:
The dawn brings bleary eyes, an emptied bank account, a modest sense of shame and futility but most importantly a new resolution not to squander the second half of 2020 like I did the first. Time to get my serious professional life back and put the vicious cycle of mania-fuelled drug benders and drug-fuelled mania to rest. I need a recovery plan.
Click to expand...
Well said, my friend.
"I Understood Myself Only After I Destroyed Myself. And Only In The Process Of Fixing Myself, Did I Know Who I Really Was."
 
If you see someone
falling behind walk
beside them. If you see
someone being ignored,
find a way to include
them. If someone has
🏵 been knockec down,
lift them up. Always
🌺 remind people of
their worth. One
small act could mean
the world to them.

Part of healing
is helping others
too. <3
 
well done audio! 25 days isn't long for your brain chemistry to heal so give it time.

i'm having one of those days where i feel like maybe going back on heroin is a good career choice. literally, i could probably tolerate just getting a boring job if i did that. don't want that on my back forever though. if i wasn't pretty certain quality was shite due to lockdown, i'd probably have scored over the past couple of weeks.
 
I relapsed on alcohol a few days ago........ feel so dirty

Is this my whole fucking life? am I going to be high or drunk for the rest of my life? The thought of sobriety scares the fuck out of me. The thought of being high or drunk for the rest of my life also scares me.

My stomach and arms itch with red rashes because my liver is failing. But hey.... better to just get drunk and forget about it right?

Got some benzos on the way again. Is that even sobriety? No... just replacing one with the other....

I can blame my alcohol addiction on heroin. Replaced one with another.

Funny I used to just be fine smoking weed. Was happy just being a stoner. Now I can't smoke weed without alcohol or a downer.

Thinking about going to rehab again... but what's the point. Spent over a year of my fucking life in inpatients and shit... I LEARNED ALL THE LESSONS THEY CAN TEACH."

I CANT FUCKING AFFORD THAT SHIT. REHAB IN THE US IS A FOR-PROFIT BUSINESS.$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ NO INSURANCE

THE ONLY LESSONS LEFT TO LEARN ARE DEATH AND JAIL.

THOUGHT I ALREADY KNEW THEM.

fuck.

my.

life.

nothing cool about driving around drunk literally 10 hours a day. I'm asking for jail. and jail for me means multiple years at this point.... I'm such a fucking RETARD

life is a fucking circle we keep repeating over and over and over

if I randomly stop posting one day you already know what happened to me....... not even joking being real here.... I'm literally driving drunk in car with a broken tail light and other damage. SMART!

Funny part is I used to hate alcohol. always thought it was a shitty fucking drug.... and it is a shitty fucking drug... watching my father die and I'm following right behind him. Making him proud.

sorry drunken rant.... talk to myself sometimes
 
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SnafuInTheVoid said:
I relapsed on alcohol a few days ago........ feel so dirty

Is this my whole fucking life? am I going to be high or drunk for the rest of my life? The thought of sobriety scares the fuck out of me. The thought of being high or drunk for the rest of my life also scares me.

My stomach and arms itch with red rashes because my liver is failing. But hey.... better to just get drunk and forget about it right?

Got some benzos on the way again. Is that even sobriety? No... just replacing one with the other....

I can blame my alcohol addiction on heroin. Replaced one with another.

Funny I used to just be fine smoking weed. Was happy just being a stoner. Now I can't smoke weed without alcohol or a downer.

Thinking about going to rehab again... but what's the point. Spent over a year of my fucking life in inpatients and shit... I LEARNED ALL THE LESSONS THEY CAN TEACH."

I CANT FUCKING AFFORD THAT SHIT. REHAB IN THE US IS A FOR-PROFIT BUSINESS.$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ NO INSURANCE

THE ONLY LESSONS LEFT TO LEARN ARE DEATH AND JAIL.

THOUGHT I ALREADY KNEW THEM.

fuck.

my.

life.

nothing cool about driving around drunk literally 10 hours a day. I'm asking for jail. and jail for me means multiple years at this point.... I'm such a fucking RETARD

life is a fucking circle we keep repeating over and over and over

if I randomly stop posting one day you already know what happened to me....... not even joking being real here.... I'm literally driving drunk in car with a broken tail light and other damage. SMART!

Funny part is I used to hate alcohol. always thought it was a shitty fucking drug.... and it is a shitty fucking drug... watching my father die and I'm following right behind him. Making him proud.

sorry drunken rant.... talk to myself sometimes
Click to expand...

How do you feel about AA? I would never use it long term and I don't buy the whole program but from rock bottom doing 90 meetings in 90 days was a real circuit breaker for me. That daily commitment really helped me stop drinking for long enough to get cleaned up and straight-headed. Cheaper than rehab.
 
Atelier3 said:
How do you feel about AA? I would never use it long term and I don't buy the whole program but from rock bottom doing 90 meetings in 90 days was a real circuit breaker for me. That daily commitment really helped me stop drinking for long enough to get cleaned up and straight-headed. Cheaper than rehab.
Click to expand...
I have no problem with AA. I like it in fact. I listen to AA speeches while I drive around drunk............................ silly right?

I reach out to my uncle who is the only family member who has conquered addiction. Now I'm ashamed to tell him I relapsed.

I kept making excuses because AA in the US is still cancelled and online only. Online meetings seem like a joke to me. I need to be around real people....

I need a sponsor who is on my ass.... but even then... I know myself. Complete sobriety is scary as fuck!!!!!!!!!!!! I could quit drinking but I'd just smoke a lot of weed.

Complete sobriety scares me more than death or jail....

I've been high every day longer than I've been alive at this point (comparing to my childhood).

I'm so fucked.
 
snafu i agree with ateliers suggestion of doing 90 in 90. i did it in na when i got out of rehab and keeping that daily focus, and making such a huge commitment to recovery, is a great help imo.

before i went to rehab i'd been high every day for longer than i'd been sober every day too. now its probably about 50/50.

right now complete sobriety scares the fuck out of me too. feel really sad and tearful. i'm listening to the last podcast on the left about kurt cobain and they described heroin as a drug of despair. not as in it makes you feel despair, its a symptom of despair. thought that was pretty accurate. not sure listening to a podcast with constant references to heroin is a good idea right now.

honestly if i wasn't certain it would be absolute shit i'd probably try and score right now. might be a sad cunt and just eat a packet of neurofen plus.
 
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