Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷

[cowboycurtis]

Made it through last night. Thanks for all the responses @chinup @yubacity @Rio Fantastic. I think I need rehab though. I just don’t know that I can trust myself and continuing to torture myself week-in and week-out like this is absolute insanity. I have court next week and I cannot risk the possibility of being locked up while sick. I’m losing my shit just thinking about it. 8 days of pure hell in a cell like 5-6 years ago is what got me clean the last time. The only thing that concerns me is that the rehab the courts would likely send me too is only blocks away from my scoring spot. I mean I resisted last time and I was there for 4 months, but again, I was facing some time. I am just so done with this shit. I’m tired and I feel fucking ancient at 27, not to mention all the dead friends. I am ready to leave this shit behind while circumstances are not irreparable.

@yubacity I hope you feel better man, if not for you then for your daughter until you want it for yourself. We can do this! One craving at a time. At the very least stay away from the street dope. Too much of a gamble these days. I know I’m preaching to the choir, but it’s true. I know I’m playing with fire every time I do it. And you’re in the U.S. too right now and you know what we got goin on in the game over here right now. Fucking OD’s over here like they’re going out of style. Be safe!

 

[cowboycurtis]

Anyone else geek out on all the places you could fix up when you’re clean/getting clean? I just took a walk to a remote part of this property I’m staying on and I swear my first thought was “oh this would be a great place to fix”. Like the appreciation of the natural beauty of this little creek bed was an afterthought. Honestly not craving too bad today, but I really noticed that’s something I do, especially with public restrooms. I glorify the experience to such an extent that getting high will never match those expectations. And I know this to be true right here, right now. So why bother? One is too many and a thousand never enough. Truer words have never been spoken.

 

[Hylight]

I am fighting the depression. It is really bad right now.
The real pain does actually go away andIreally will.

 

[yubacity]

Made it through last night. Thanks for all the responses @chinup @yubacity @Rio Fantastic. I think I need rehab though. I just don’t know that I can trust myself and continuing to torture myself week-in and week-out like this is absolute insanity. I have court next week and I cannot risk the possibility of being locked up while sick. I’m losing my shit just thinking about it. 8 days of pure hell in a cell like 5-6 years ago is what got me clean the last time. The only thing that concerns me is that the rehab the courts would likely send me too is only blocks away from my scoring spot. I mean I resisted last time and I was there for 4 months, but again, I was facing some time. I am just so done with this shit. I’m tired and I feel fucking ancient at 27, not to mention all the dead friends. I am ready to leave this shit behind while circumstances are not irreparable.

@yubacity I hope you feel better man, if not for you then for your daughter until you want it for yourself. We can do this! One craving at a time. At the very least stay away from the street dope. Too much of a gamble these days. I know I’m preaching to the choir, but it’s true. I know I’m playing with fire every time I do it. And you’re in the U.S. too right now and you know what we got goin on in the game over here right now. Fucking OD’s over here like they’re going out of style. Be safe!

Thanks for your word my brother I'm in the UK right now and that's the problem I come back here and I seek drugs. In the states I'm good after I returned after nearly 2 decades in the US I knew no links for pills like I did in the UK and I would not even think of using heroin in the states too much of a gamble I like heroin not fent . I was a year clean and ill bounce back but you know having to go through all the shit again the kick which nearly done the depression which has kicked in I was out of it why do we not learn what is the hold this drug has over us

 

[Jabberwocky]

Anyone else geek out on all the places you could fix up when you’re clean/getting clean? I just took a walk to a remote part of this property I’m staying on and I swear my first thought was “oh this would be a great place to fix”. Like the appreciation of the natural beauty of this little creek bed was an afterthought. Honestly not craving too bad today, but I really noticed that’s something I do, especially with public restrooms. I glorify the experience to such an extent that getting high will never match those expectations. And I know this to be true right here, right now. So why bother? One is too many and a thousand never enough. Truer words have never been spoken.

oh god i simply cannot walk by those kind of places without getting uncontrollable cravings,,, restrooms, secluded parks, my own fucking house....
been only a week clean and has been the easiest detox in my life simply because this time I DO WANT TO STOP unlike the other times.... i hope that one day you really decide that you dont want anymore because only then will the cravings really go away.... if you are forcing yourself that is ok too but to me it was way harder than it is now that i dont want to shoot up anymore

 

[Jabberwocky]

i still automatically rate every public bathroom i go in. i think its natural.

also automatically scan the entrances to every tower block i walk past and generally get a little rush if i see any secluded little spots i could technically have a pipe in, even though it would be stressful as fuck and therefore not worth it. i couldn't even make it the 2 mins from where i'd score to my place when i was using so knew several places to stop along the way. complete waste though, i knew i would be better to save it til i got to the relative safety of my own home but never could.

 

[Jabberwocky]

i still automatically rate every public bathroom i go in. i think its natural.

also automatically scan the entrances to every tower block i walk past and generally get a little rush if i see any secluded little spots i could technically have a pipe in, even though it would be stressful as fuck and therefore not worth it. i couldn't even make it the 2 mins from where i'd score to my place when i was using so knew several places to stop along the way. complete waste though, i knew i would be better to save it til i got to the relative safety of my own home but never could.

i could make it home if i felt relatively ok but most times i was already soaked in cold sweat and stuff like that so i prefered to stop somewhere, one time a cop car just stood by staring at me as i shot myself in the neck then they just left when i was done

 

[Jabberwocky]

i could make it home if i felt relatively ok but most times i was already soaked in cold sweat and stuff like that so i prefered to stop somewhere, one time a cop car just stood by staring at me as i shot myself in the neck then they just left when i was done

fuck me the idea of shooting in my neck makes me feel ill. i'm so glad i'm so squeamish honestly it put me off injecting for a long time so probably saved my life.

it was more the crack i couldn't make it home for i just needed it basically continuously. like i'd be planning my next pipe before i'd finished my current pipe.

 

[Jabberwocky]

ah well crack is another story. i stopped crack because it literally made me suicidal afterwards and i was already suicidal without it... i mean i never saw myself being brave enough to smack my jugular or my femorals but the desperation and feeling so sick made me think nothing of it and i still dont haha

 

[Jabberwocky]

yeah your perception of whats ok and what isn't changes massively as you get deeper in. i read requiem for a dream in my first week of rehab** and there's a bit where they are judging people for using water out of public toilets to shoot up with cos they would never do that then 2 pages later they are doing the exact same thing.

tbh i thought i'd never inject i managed 5 years on the dark before i did but then i found out how good speedballs felt and honestly i'm glad i at least got to know that feeling before i got into recovery. may as well go big before you pack it in.

**edit i have just realised this was not my first week of rehab. it was the first week of rehab that i remember. i mostly slept on the couch in my actual first week.

 

[Jabberwocky]

crap i hate the sleeping part its as if life just passed me by as i rot... spent the last 9 years of my life sleeping 14 hours a day or more... were you detoxing from crack or heroin? i feel so dumb whenever i remember being with my addict friends when i was sober and saying lmao look at those losers now i am the loser
aye big mistake thinking that something can never happen to you eh

 

[Rio Fantastic]

@yubacity You are being so hard on yourself! You had a slip mate, these things happen. It doesn't mean you're a failure, and it does NOT mean you should abandon your family and live in the UK to embrace being a junkie! Listen to how crazy that really sounds, that's just your impaired brain throwing up suggestions for relief. I know and you know that's not what you really want. Remember that a lapse can actually be a positive experience if we learn a lesson from it, and I firmly believe that there's a lesson in each and every slip as long as we look for it and apply it. The fact that so soon you are putting yourself through withdrawal is actually really positive man, and you will now know better for next time that maybe you should stay away from pods.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

@cowboycurtis I'm 27 too! And I automatically rank every bathroom for how easy it would be to cook up and inject in. Those posh pub toilets where there's a little ledge behind the toilet and a door without a gap that you can lock still makes my heart beat fast.

@strangeaeon What's your situation buddy??? Are you clean??

@chinup I am a hypocrite because I have shared that exact thought before - "I'd rather be a junkie than fat" - but try to put it into perspective! I am sure you don't LOOK overweight if you only just qualify for that BMI category, and it's pretty normal in early sobriety. Maybe this can be even more motivation for you to quit drinking though?? Just wondering are you actually enjoying drinking?? I know for me no matter what my intentions are initially, my brain only seems to be able to view alcohol as a starter, so when I start drinking I either try to get smashed to dampen the other cravings that arise or get obsessed with scoring.

I am giving myself a break for a couple of days, since the 2nd week has always been a major relapse time for me. I should be seeing my friends but I'm putting it off till I feel better - can't stand being around people enjoying themselves drinking/smoking weed whilst I'm battling my cravings. I'm doing some basic things to try keep serene - meditating, looking for sobriety inspiration here and other places (there are some really good TED talks on addiction on Youtube), doing a little TEFL studying in the morning and going to online meetings in the afternoon/evening. Today I'm going to be trying Refuge Recovery for the first time, so hopefully I get something out of that.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I am fighting the depression. It is really bad right now.
The real pain does actually go away andIreally will.

depression + drugs is a bad combination

 

[yubacity]

@yubacity You are being so hard on yourself! You had a slip mate, these things happen. It doesn't mean you're a failure, and it does NOT mean you should abandon your family and live in the UK to embrace being a junkie! Listen to how crazy that really sounds, that's just your impaired brain throwing up suggestions for relief. I know and you know that's not what you really want. Remember that a lapse can actually be a positive experience if we learn a lesson from it, and I firmly believe that there's a lesson in each and every slip as long as we look for it and apply it. The fact that so soon you are putting yourself through withdrawal is actually really positive man, and you will now know better for next time that maybe you should stay away from pods.

How you doing my brother how is life it fucking cold as fuck add the temp control in body during wd I'm wearing 2 jumpers and a blanket over me and I'm still cold . I wont abandom family that was a low day yesterday today led zeppelin blasting in my ears giving me a little lift still feel down the depression deep this time strange with the pods and brown only on it for a month but the rattle was bad towards day 3. I Will get through it but it taught me that cant fuck with any hard drug really i always end up back on the gear

 

[Jabberwocky]

@strangeaeon What's your situation buddy??? Are you clean??

@chinup I am a hypocrite because I have shared that exact thought before - "I'd rather be a junkie than fat" - but try to put it into perspective! I am sure you don't LOOK overweight if you only just qualify for that BMI category, and it's pretty normal in early sobriety. Maybe this can be even more motivation for you to quit drinking though?? Just wondering are you actually enjoying drinking?? I know for me no matter what my intentions are initially, my brain only seems to be able to view alcohol as a starter, so when I start drinking I either try to get smashed to dampen the other cravings that arise or get obsessed with scoring.

detoxing at home but i live with an addict that has no intention of getting better, he agreed to detox with me tho so i will give him two weeks to get his shit together before kicking him outta my place for good. i'm not being tough on him, he's being very inconsiderate with me.

right now im just on 400-500 mg tramadol a day, plus cbd, vitamins, sometimes a glass of wine, and energy drinks. it makes me feel ok. had a box of lyricas but i lost it... i wish i could find it soon. not dealing with alot of cravings except on some weird moments of anxiety but damn those are enough to make me relapse, plug is walking distance away from my house i mean why the fuck not y know?

 

[Rio Fantastic]

How you doing my brother how is life it fucking cold as fuck add the temp control in body during wd I'm wearing 2 jumpers and a blanket over me and I'm still cold . I wont abandom family that was a low day yesterday today led zeppelin blasting in my ears giving me a little lift still feel down the depression deep this time strange with the pods and brown only on it for a month but the rattle was bad towards day 3. I Will get through it but it taught me that cant fuck with any hard drug really i always end up back on the gear

That's a great lesson to learn before you have worse consequences!! Learning that while your family, business and life is intact is a blessing brother. You could have only had this realization in much, much worse circumstances! Hopefully you've come through the worst of the WD. There's always a point where it gets to the worst it's going to be, and then the only way is up from there, and the withdrawals are way more manageable when you know they're getting better and the worst is behind you. Keep at it man.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

detoxing at home but i live with an addict that has no intention of getting better, he agreed to detox with me tho so i will give him two weeks to get his shit together before kicking him outta my place for good. i'm not being tough on him, he's being very inconsiderate with me.

right now im just on 400-500 mg tramadol a day, plus cbd, vitamins, sometimes a glass of wine, and energy drinks. it makes me feel ok. had a box of lyricas but i lost it... i wish i could find it soon. not dealing with alot of cravings except on some weird moments of anxiety but damn those are enough to make me relapse, plug is walking distance away from my house i mean why the fuck not y know?

Trying to detox with an actively using addict in your house requires crazy willpower man, so I commend you. You need some mental defense against that "why not" feeling, so when you're feeling up to it I'd recommend writing down all the negative impacts that using has had on your life. It helps to have them in black and white in front of you so that when your mind starts playing tricks on you you have something you can look at that can jog your memory when you need it.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Trying to detox with an actively using addict in your house requires crazy willpower man, so I commend you. You need some mental defense against that "why not" feeling, so when you're feeling up to it I'd recommend writing down all the negative impacts that using has had on your life. It helps to have them in black and white in front of you so that when your mind starts playing tricks on you you have something you can look at that can jog your memory when you need it.

nice one! i already did write them down haha yet when i end up giving up i completely forget to read them and just run to the plug

 

[cowboycurtis]

fuck me the idea of shooting in my neck makes me feel ill. i'm so glad i'm so squeamish honestly it put me off injecting for a long time so probably saved my life.

it was more the crack i couldn't make it home for i just needed it basically continuously. like i'd be planning my next pipe before i'd finished my current pipe.

I’ve never been more disgusted than when I had to look at myself in the mirror and shoot heroin in my weird, pulsing neck half tripping on acid. That’s when I knew shit had gotten bad. When speedballs and shooting in my neck became a regular part of my life I knew it was time to stop. Not having many good working veins left has been a real reason to quit and a real reason not to go back. I don’t know if I could stop myself if I still had ropes running up and down my arms.