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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷

Hylight

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Jan 4, 2019
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i'm just saying.
 

Atelier3

Moderator: DC
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It’s been over a month since I quit meth but my recovery feels like it is going sideways. For the first three weeks or so I felt so remarkably clear-headed and energetic and got so much work done. However, over the last week or so I’ve begun to feel really weird. I have low-level nausea all the time and slightly blurry vision and feel a bit confused and unfocused. I also have this low level tardive dyskinesia going on.

At first I thought it was side-effects from taking 5-HTP and L-Tyrosine but even a week after ceasing them I still feel really sketchy. I stopped taking anti-psychotics at the same time I quit meth and the only medicine I am taking now is 30 mg dexamfetamine a day.

I spoke to a psych (while discussing meth use in very very past tense) about the tardive dyskinesia and he advised me to see a neurologist.
 

chinup

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@Atelier3 obviously i am no expert on physical recovery from meth, but i can say, a month is no time. it takes years. honestly i remember when i tried to kill myself my doctor telling me my body would take years to recover. i was in recovery from anorexia for 2 years before my legs didn't feel like they were gonna give out under me all the time. you have been absolutely hammering most of your internal systems for a protracted period. give it time. i'm glad you're getting supervision from the doctor.

also get your eyes tested if you have blurry vision!! i had blurry vision that i always put down to my pupils being dilated due to heroin. when i got to rehab i had an eye test and it turned out one of my eyes is really shit. now i have glasses for reading and life is much easier, am less tired and prone to headaches.

i am so totally done with heroin. for the first time in my recovery, i can honestly say i actively never ever want to touch it again. i used 3 times last week and it just destroyed me, it was reasonably decent shit. i am still wrecked. whatever it used to do for me, it doesn't anymore, and it takes me so long to recover, i've lost a week and spent money i can't really afford. fucking hell watching parks and recreation on my own was better than heroin, let alone playing resident evil 5 with my boyfriend, despite it being absolutely stressful as fuck. i was much more restarined with using it than i was in March so I know the shittiness wasn't just down to me doing too much too fast with no opiate tolerance this time.
 

Flynnal

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 14, 2012
Messages
508
I spoke to a psych (while discussing meth use in very very past tense) about the tardive dyskinesia and he advised me to see a neurologist.

Sounds horrible, I suffered restlessness whilst taking Abilify for a week or so, before quitting because I couldnt handle it. What type of meds are used to treat this condition? I'm unsure of any that are 100% effective.
 

Atelier3

Moderator: DC
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Sounds horrible, I suffered restlessness whilst taking Abilify for a week or so, before quitting because I couldnt handle it. What type of meds are used to treat this condition? I'm unsure of any that are 100% effective.

My psych is a master at piling on another drug to treat the side-effects of the first drug. He had me on five different things at one stage when my diagnosis was Bipolar 1 and ADHD for which the gold standard treatment should just be lithium plus dexamfetamine.

I think my brain has undergone structural changes from both the Meth and from the Abilify and other antipsychotics I have taken over the last 10 years. It is taking a while to adjust to not being constantly pummelled in different directions by different but very powerful chemicals. I can cope with how I am feeling at the moment although it is very unpleasant and sometimes pushes me into a sense of anxiety (if I start to think it might be permanent). However, a simple dose of 5 mg diazepam gives reasonable relief and I don’t think that it would compound my problems at all. I probably should quit the dexamfetamine for a while too, but then I doubt I would get any work done at all. And I have to submit my dissertation in a few months and it is only half complete.
 

Flynnal

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 14, 2012
Messages
508
I think my brain has undergone structural changes from both the Meth and from the Abilify and other antipsychotics I have taken over the last 10 years.

:cry:

I certainly hope that these changes are not permanent. I've been taking mirtazapine for more than 16 years (which is relatively benign compared to antipsychotics) and carbamazepine for more than 18 months. I'm going to wean off the carbamazepine, because it is causing me to feel depressed and suicidal (for some reason I've had a brain snap, you can see where I cried in one of my recent posts from a couple of days or so ago). So when I read that post I decided that I didn't want to feel this low again and I knew that although carbamazepine had a slightly calming effect it was also making me feel sad, too sad...now that I think of it.

I already have an appointment lined up with a GP and will ask her to refer to a psychiatrist who specialises in ADHD to see what my options are. I know I have some autism spectrum disorder, but I also have some ADHD going from an online questionnaire I completed a week or so ago.

Fingers crossed. Perhaps I can quit the mirtazapine as well as the carbamazepine...I'm not entirely sure, but I'd like to stick to one or two meds and feel some sort of energy, some sort of drive, and lose some much needed weight as well.
 

chinup

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finally feeling slightly better today. fuck the kindling effect big time.

have a job interview later, apparently i completely aced the tech test, so really hope i get it so this nightmare can just be over.
 

Atelier3

Moderator: DC
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I was really marvelling at how emotionally stable I have been since quitting meth over a month ago. Basically I have been as cheery as anything which runs counter to what everyone says happens. Then last night I got really triggered by a family member - now I’m a ball of seething anger, some of which has seeped out in conversation with said family member. I am not totally and rationally in control of my emotions at this point. Which makes me kind of depressed and sad. However, I know it won’t last forever. I just need to keep to myself for a few days I think. And maybe reflect on why I got so triggered.
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
8,321
am needing the kill shot
for the hurt stabbing maim
to stop, it, the most dire heart
ice pick pain.

no help from pickle juice, magnesium,
or jane
just somehow trying to sustain
and waitng for relief to not complain..

need being free to breath
or might not be here much longer,
until i can get better
and so much more stronger.

too much is enough
so and . . . . today
- is all that i have got to say

hehe ha hey
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
8,321
Focus, meditation, and redirection.

I didn't do drugs last night eventhough I wanted too. I was able unwind with meditating to slow down and sleep.

Did sleep, however, eventhough too much again, I am actually sleeping. Can appreciate happiness and feelings again through love and support.

I still do not dream but is not anything I am wishing for anyway. Lol. ♡ However I do pray and am thankful for everything that is a gift from the heart and is a blessing.

Still eating crazy amounts of sugar but am actually cooking and cleaning again.

Tremendously appreciated the value of harm reduction and awareness of it, as well as pharmaceutical research. Should be part of a safety and wellness curriculum.

Also awareness is a great pathway to progress and advance through abilities from strength and difficulty.

Okay. Am now off to do drugs again but in much smaller amounts and less often or in a less timely manner.

Hopefully I wont do any at all. But today I might choose to do a small dose. But for pain relief only !!

Thank goodness for empathy and support. And definitely for great company. (y)
 

yubacity

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Joined
Feb 13, 2018
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Rio and chin up how you both doing. I'll have a read through to see how you both been
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
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hey yuba how are you!?!? i had a mini lapse that was totally shit, but i think i've drawn a line under smack and crack now. no more for me. but i am drinking, not every day, but i have an erosion in my stomach from when i was drinking really heavily and its already flaring up and if i don't stop now it'll just get worse and worse til its intolerable.
 

yubacity

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 13, 2018
Messages
1,087
Location
u.k
hey yuba how are you!?!? i had a mini lapse that was totally shit, but i think i've drawn a line under smack and crack now. no more for me. but i am drinking, not every day, but i have an erosion in my stomach from when i was drinking really heavily and its already flaring up and if i don't stop now it'll just get worse and worse til its intolerable.
Chinup how you doing . I read some of your posts when you was back on the brown its good to hear you got out of it. Smack and crack is so good I miss it but it only ends in pain. With your drinking cut it down then stop your health is the most important thing my friend. I flew in yesterday and today I brought a massive amount of pregabs and 50 valiums for the withdrawl. Why do we fuck up I know I have bad withdrawals on pregabs but cant stop as soon as I'm back in the UK drugs come back in my life. It feels so good to be back I love the states and in yuba city the weather still great but I feel at home in England I feel British but this one sacrifice i owe my wife . What you drinking chinup beer or spirits . How is rio doing i not seen any recent posts
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
8,321
i pulled a muscle in my right shoulder. is taking the wind out of me. it was so scary i thought it was heart attack city.

put ice on it. took two baby aspirin. can't even get up. too weak to even cry. just have to lay here. fck it all. i really don't care anymore.
pain hurt so bad can't even speak. maybe will it turn back into chronic throb !! i don't know.

diabetes, bad diet, no exercise or workouts.
depression, agitation. neglect of responsibilities. just complete deterioration in less than two years. wow how is it that possible. now, yes. feeling beyond into the bones.

i don't know. severe arthritis and brittle bonez. definitely was diagnosed with the arthritis years ago at very young to have had it. it hurts. always did.

heart condition and diabetes runs in the family. and yes it really does happen. and yet at this time i decide to persevere and not give up.

this is all a trigger from my right arm that i cannot move.

i wonder how long i am going to be like this now. maybe when i wake up in the morning i will be better.

i can't get up otta bed now. well i can but it makes me wantntom cry.so bad. hurts like the wind getting knocked out by the blow. pain. crazy stabbing don't want to walk across the room pain.

the ice pack and baby aspirin helped the stabbing of the pain. along with the gurney position to immobilize. it hurts completely all the way over to the torn up wrist ligaments to whole entire wrist inflammation.also,a bit painful.

i had just started getting better and was able to function like normal and felt almost able to feel healthy.

took some pain medication and tried to cull and clean. seemed like it was resulting into sore muscles but then quickly developed into inflamed painful arm movement.

so i have to just lay here again now like i am just paralyzed. the thing is it is because it is really painful to move.

it has been getting really super cold lately. i am supposed to be doing my yoga and physical therapy moves but seriously barely can make it to the refrigerator to refreeze the ice pack.

i am so hurting and i had to go work two ugly shifts in a row. almost three but i couldn't make it.

also have been trying to spring clean early so hopefully it can all be finished by next summer.

now maybe i don't have long to live. maybe dying of bone cancer. don't want to be around people or covid or go to the hospital. just you know it's then pain and the beyond stabbing pain and more. like something new and even worse.

just not sure how or why it feels like one of the worst pulled muscles ever. just fucking owwwch. ow.

yeah ah turned all lame and i hate it. hate it so much. seriously. waaah wah. wtf. there are prolly 90 year olds that can shoot hoops around me. i don't wanna be like this. anymore.

yeh <3

oww.,please pain go,away. go,away.
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
8,321
yah. it was really bad then. and allot worse now.
so what to do to get over it all. can just don't want to anymore. but will keep on anyway. hehe. o.f !!
 
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