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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷

Hylight

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Joined
Jan 4, 2019
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8,419
yes @Rio Fantastic I can't believe its September, don't feel like we've had a summer really, lockdown has meant most summery type activities have been out of bounds.

urgh i'm losing my shit a bit. have this interview morning for the job i really really really want but likely won't get. i asked them what they would be asking me about and they didn't get back to me so I'm trying to prepare but really just taking shots in the dark. AND, i realised that this might not even be the final stage of the recruitment process. honestly not sure i can cope. i hardly did any prep yesterday cos i was too exhausted to think. better today but too panicky to really take anytihng in.
Just stay calm as possible. Be as confident as you can and be calm and focus. You can do this.
Even if you don't know an answer, do as best as you can and listen to what they have to offer. But be be confident and professional. You have this !! ♡
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
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thanks @Hylight! you're a darling.

i know fundamentally you are right but my brain is just like but but but, but honestly if they don't hire me cos i don't know some specific algorithm on binary trees or something else i've never used and don't claim to know, then its silly. i dunno. and it totally sucks that even if I get through this, there might be ANOTHER interview!!
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
8,419
No, I'm serious, stay calm and be confident. You can do this !! Really. Practice for an hour or so here and there. Calm, Confident, You're Awesome.
 

Rio Fantastic

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Joined
Feb 19, 2009
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Birmingham
@chinup you can only do your best! As long as you give it your all then even if you don't get it you can tell yourself that you gave it 100%, so obviously the job just wasn't right for you. I know this is easier said than done but try not to stress about too much! You're an intelligent & capable woman, try to remember that! What's the job??

@Hylight how are you doing today?
 

chinup

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fffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

a job that i was so certain i'd get that i was already considering it my 'backup' job rejected me, not based on my interview, but the amount of experience. FOR FUCKS SAKE THAT IS OBVIOUS ON MY CV WHY THE FUCK WASTE MY TIME AND GET MY HOPES UP WHEN YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE I DON'T HAVE WHAT YOU WANT?

feel hurt and angry and messed about. not what i need when i should be preparing for my marathon interviews for the job i actually want.
 

Rio Fantastic

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Feb 19, 2009
Messages
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fffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

a job that i was so certain i'd get that i was already considering it my 'backup' job rejected me, not based on my interview, but the amount of experience. FOR FUCKS SAKE THAT IS OBVIOUS ON MY CV WHY THE FUCK WASTE MY TIME AND GET MY HOPES UP WHEN YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE I DON'T HAVE WHAT YOU WANT?

feel hurt and angry and messed about. not what i need when i should be preparing for my marathon interviews for the job i actually want.

I know it's frustrating, but on the flip side at least the reason was your experience?? If it was just a "you're just not who we were looking for" then you'd have to question your entire presentation, but an issue that (admittedly arbitrary) as black/white as amount of experience means that everything else you're doing must be working!! Please try not to get too discouraged. You're obviously a conscientious, intelligent & I imagine hard-working woman, and if they don't see that then they're the ones missing out!! This is also fresh in your mind, and I'm sure as you know us addicts are pretty sensitive to any kind of rejection. It will take some time, but you will bounce back from this. I know this is SO much easier said than done, but remember that you are not your job. A stoic technique is to imagine yourself without all the facets of your life - your family, friends, job, house etc - and recognize that ultimately you will still be okay. Even without all of what we usually rely on. No idea if that will help you in your situation but it's helped me reach some equanimity before in trying times.
 

chinup

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thanks rio for your kind words and encouragement. i have got over the shock a bit, and am now strangely calm. possibly cos i've half promised myself that if i don't get the job i'm interviewing for tomorrow i can go on a hard drugs binge. possibly cos i've reached some level of acceptance.

that technique about imagining yourself without all that stuff is definitely a good idea. and its pretty easy for addicts in recovery cos generally when we started out we had lost most of that stuff, so actually know you can make positive changes even without those.
 

Rio Fantastic

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
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Birmingham
thanks rio for your kind words and encouragement. i have got over the shock a bit, and am now strangely calm. possibly cos i've half promised myself that if i don't get the job i'm interviewing for tomorrow i can go on a hard drugs binge. possibly cos i've reached some level of acceptance.

that technique about imagining yourself without all that stuff is definitely a good idea. and its pretty easy for addicts in recovery cos generally when we started out we had lost most of that stuff, so actually know you can make positive changes even without those.

please don't give yourself permission to destroy your life because you don't get your dream job, chinup!!! Every time I find myself "bargaining" like that, the relapse may as well have already happened. Lean into the acceptance and lean hard away from letting yourself go on a drugs binge!! You're better than that!!
 

chinup

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you're right. i really hope i won't. i'm at my parents right now so relatively safe. i think i have just put so much effort into trying to get this one job (there really aren't many about but even if that weren't the case i'd have to) and got so close, its gonna be a huge disappointment. i've upped my recovery activities.

i think my marathon interviews went ok, hard to tell. trying not to get my hopes up too much.
 

Rio Fantastic

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Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
1,604
Location
Birmingham
you're right. i really hope i won't. i'm at my parents right now so relatively safe. i think i have just put so much effort into trying to get this one job (there really aren't many about but even if that weren't the case i'd have to) and got so close, its gonna be a huge disappointment. i've upped my recovery activities.

i think my marathon interviews went ok, hard to tell. trying not to get my hopes up too much.

You've given it your best. It's out your hands now!

30 days clean today. It's been a long, long time since I've gone this long, but I'm consciously reminding myself that in sobriety I'm still a baby so that I don't get complacent. Thirty days is nothing when put against 7 years of using!
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
8,419
This is the last day that I am laying around. Tomorrow I am going to get up and do things with my life. But today I just took a xanax and want to just try to accept life without it.
I was able to get out allot over the summer and go to the lake. So I feel very blessed for that at least.
I just wish that I had more energy but I don't. The only thing that seems to help is redbull. Coffee doesn't even help. If I lay around I will probably end up with diabetes. Or I can get up and be productive.
 

Atelier3

Moderator: DC
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Sep 28, 2019
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21 days clean and I honestly feel like I will never use meth again. I’m not getting cocky but for the first time I have zero cravings and when I think about using I just feel a vague sense of disgust. This is what happened to me when I finally quit drinking years ago.

I can’t believe how much of my intellect and personality I seem to have recovered in such a short while. No doubt I am not yet back to pre-binge baseline which was 8 months ago, but I actually feel better than I ever remember feeling. Like I am really on top of my life. I have plans and I’m making things happen.

This is no doubt attributable not only to keeping myself super busy but also to weaning myself off anti-psychotics and basically just taking supplements and tiny baby doses of dex now.
 

chinup

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well done everyone getting those first bits of clean tiem in, really big achievement.

i can feel a smack binge coming on. i've done everything i was supposed to and have nothing but emptiness to show for it.
 
Joined
Jan 21, 2020
Messages
3,381
Location
Ohio
i can feel a smack binge coming on. i've done everything i was supposed to and have nothing but emptiness to show for it.

I get it. Shit sucks extra bad when I feel all of the shit I drugged away. Being clean from something that you know will make the shit in your life disappear, is the reason sites like these exist. We are here for each other regardless of where we are in recovery. I really appreciate resources like BL for that.

I’m relatively new here, and don’t know a lot of the members here too much yet, but I definitely qualify as someone that understands addiction and why we addicts do the fucked up shit we do.

It’s so important to talk about it and remove the stigma attached to our drug use, so that we are not alone in our esoteric addiction struggles. These places are a great open forum just to get this shit out and have others with addiction issues talk it out.

So... smack binge? What’s up?

🧙‍♂️
 

chinup

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thanks @The Wizard of the Creek

i've been looking for a new job since february. my boss is an abusive cunt who reminds me of all the men who gave me ptsd so i have to leave. i put my heart and soul into getting a job at a household name company that would have made my career, got through their tech test, 5 interviews, did well in all of them, found out yesterday i didn't get the job cos there was another applicant with more direct experience.

last night i bit the bullet and just threw my CV online, which in the past has generated a lot of leads. not a single phone call. i have a couple more leads but it seems pointless to try. in less than 2 months i'll be unemployed and i've lost hope that i can find another job in that time.

if i am going to have to earn my living on my back then i will do it smacked out of my face so i don't care.

for some reason the prospect of losing my job now is much scarier than when i lost my job cos i had an out of control crack habit. at that time it was a releif so i could focus on more lucrative avenues.

i've done everything, absolutely everything, to work on my recovery for two fucking years. really traumatic psychological work. i was promised it was worth it. i've told everyone on here its worth it. well, it fucking isn't.
 
Joined
Jan 21, 2020
Messages
3,381
Location
Ohio
thanks @The Wizard of the Creek

i've been looking for a new job since february. my boss is an abusive cunt who reminds me of all the men who gave me ptsd so i have to leave. i put my heart and soul into getting a job at a household name company that would have made my career, got through their tech test, 5 interviews, did well in all of them, found out yesterday i didn't get the job cos there was another applicant with more direct experience.

last night i bit the bullet and just threw my CV online, which in the past has generated a lot of leads. not a single phone call. i have a couple more leads but it seems pointless to try. in less than 2 months i'll be unemployed and i've lost hope that i can find another job in that time.

if i am going to have to earn my living on my back then i will do it smacked out of my face so i don't care.

for some reason the prospect of losing my job now is much scarier than when i lost my job cos i had an out of control crack habit. at that time it was a releif so i could focus on more lucrative avenues.

i've done everything, absolutely everything, to work on my recovery for two fucking years. really traumatic psychological work. i was promised it was worth it. i've told everyone on here its worth it. well, it fucking isn't.

Yeah that sounds really devastating. This might one of those times where you have to be stronger than you ever knew you could be. I’m not sure what your business is, but those dickheads that went another way, might have given you a blessing in disguise. As a wizard, I’m sure of it.

I have had so many occasions where I worked my heart out just to be refuted. For example, I trained most of my adolescence getting my Eagle Scout, and when I did, I was to enlist in the military reserves and have my college payed for and be automatically bumped up to an E3, meaning much better pay and rank. I checked all the boxes and was sidelined by my Tourette’s. I hid it so well, but the last branch of government I recruited for, US Marines, that were ready to have me sign the enlisting papers, found out the medicines I was taking. They put two and two together and poof, 3 years of work, sweat, and training down the shit tube.

That’s just the first of many disappointments like that in my life, and every time I resorted to that fuck it mentality of doping the pain away. That shit, that mentality has never worked, and I refuse to give up like that again, ever. Today I am much more, fuck you I’ll beat you, I’m better than you in every possible way. Before I was very much poor me, fuck my life, so much unfairness... gimme drugs... all of them.

That’s definitely a way to cope with disappointment, but you and I know that’s a loser. Nobody said life was easy or fair, and drug addiction makes both of those concepts impossible. It sounds like it’s the right time to prove yourself right and say fuck you to all of those fat motherfuckers and fools that haven’t seen your worth. They will all pay for their sin!

Get it. Maybe?

You need a wizard to hang out with to show you the way, summon the queen for you, if you get what I’m saying? I’m very good at that type of wizardry. I could also make their lives miserable if you wanna go down that road. I’m very talented at that too. I have an impressive scoreboard with these things.

It’s all up to you at the end of the day, and choosing smack over your own self worth is something even a wizard can’t fix.

Hope that makes sense.

🧙‍♂️
 
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Rio Fantastic

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
1,604
Location
Birmingham
21 days clean and I honestly feel like I will never use meth again. I’m not getting cocky but for the first time I have zero cravings and when I think about using I just feel a vague sense of disgust. This is what happened to me when I finally quit drinking years ago.

I can’t believe how much of my intellect and personality I seem to have recovered in such a short while. No doubt I am not yet back to pre-binge baseline which was 8 months ago, but I actually feel better than I ever remember feeling. Like I am really on top of my life. I have plans and I’m making things happen.

This is no doubt attributable not only to keeping myself super busy but also to weaning myself off anti-psychotics and basically just taking supplements and tiny baby doses of dex now.

Congratulations Atelier! I find it helpful to remember the days where you feel like this if you have any little downturns or days dominated by cravings. It can be really helpful to remind ourselves that when we're feeling good the idea of using drugs seems crazy and like an obviously awful idea so that if our mental state changes we can remind ourselves that our thinking is clearly distorted. Three weeks is fantastic man, keep up the good work!

well done everyone getting those first bits of clean tiem in, really big achievement.

i can feel a smack binge coming on. i've done everything i was supposed to and have nothing but emptiness to show for it.

Chinup, you aren't thinking clearly right now. I am so sorry that you didn't get you dream job, but look at what you're saying. If you can't have your dream job then you might as well go back to selling your body for crack?? Come on!! There will be other job opportunities. Right now you are maximizing, which is natural since you really wanted this job & it's going to feel like the end of the world since you didn't get it, but it isn't. You're also irrationally projecting into the future that you will never get a job in the field. I know you've had a couple of knockbacks, so maybe it's time to objectively evaluate your CV, interview performance, experience etc and try to brainstorm what you can do to grab the next opportunity that comes along. Look how different your life is to when you were a prostitute only looking for her next fix. To compare the temporary setback of not getting the job you had your heart set on to the day in day out hopeless nightmare of active addiction is crazy!!

You're not going to be thinking clearly for a little while since you need to let your emotions settle after this disappointment. Please reach out to someone you know in real life and just take care of yourself for a couple of days. Don't throw everything away because of this!! Us addicts don't deal well with disappointment but the addict in our brains fucking LOVE opportunities like this since all of a sudden drugs seem so alluring again. BUT YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT CHINUP. Please just take a little time to get some perspective. I promise you in seven days you won't be feeling exactly this way and will be glad you toughed it out, and if you don't then it's on me and I'll buy your smack for you!! Deal!?!?
 
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