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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷

SnafuInTheVoid

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May 27, 2020
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inpatient rehab
How do you feel about AA? I would never use it long term and I don't buy the whole program but from rock bottom doing 90 meetings in 90 days was a real circuit breaker for me. That daily commitment really helped me stop drinking for long enough to get cleaned up and straight-headed. Cheaper than rehab.
I have no problem with AA. I like it in fact. I listen to AA speeches while I drive around drunk............................ silly right?

I reach out to my uncle who is the only family member who has conquered addiction. Now I'm ashamed to tell him I relapsed.

I kept making excuses because AA in the US is still cancelled and online only. Online meetings seem like a joke to me. I need to be around real people....

I need a sponsor who is on my ass.... but even then... I know myself. Complete sobriety is scary as fuck!!!!!!!!!!!! I could quit drinking but I'd just smoke a lot of weed.

Complete sobriety scares me more than death or jail....

I've been high every day longer than I've been alive at this point (comparing to my childhood).

I'm so fucked.
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
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snafu i agree with ateliers suggestion of doing 90 in 90. i did it in na when i got out of rehab and keeping that daily focus, and making such a huge commitment to recovery, is a great help imo.

before i went to rehab i'd been high every day for longer than i'd been sober every day too. now its probably about 50/50.

right now complete sobriety scares the fuck out of me too. feel really sad and tearful. i'm listening to the last podcast on the left about kurt cobain and they described heroin as a drug of despair. not as in it makes you feel despair, its a symptom of despair. thought that was pretty accurate. not sure listening to a podcast with constant references to heroin is a good idea right now.

honestly if i wasn't certain it would be absolute shit i'd probably try and score right now. might be a sad cunt and just eat a packet of neurofen plus.
 

chinup

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how is everyone doing?

i heard back from the recruiter i thought was blanking me, her emails were for some reason going into my spam! even if i don't get the job, its given me a boost.
 

Atelier3

Moderator: DC
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Sep 28, 2019
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how is everyone doing?
I think come Monday morning I’m going to sign on with a community outpatient drug rehabilitation service. Fortunately there’s one not 10 minutes from my home. That close you’d think i could have dropped in long ago! Apart from ruminating on that possibility I’m doing fine - first day I’ve spent with my daughter in months thanks to COVID. Lovely lunch near the beach - made me think good thoughts.
 

chinup

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mint!!! yes definitely try out the community rehab service. the worst that can happen is they are not helpful, but i hope they are. the drugs services i attended out of rehab were surprisingly great, did some really good therapy through them and got a free hap b vaccination, which hopefully i won't ever need but if i ever go back to IV drug use with poor harm reduction practises it'll be great to have.

great you got t see your daughter and had a nice time with her!!

i'm heading back to my parents today cos my city has a new lockdown, and being on my own isn't doing me much good. got to transport the cats and the older one hates going in her basket and the car, like poos immediately, so its always a bit of a palaver.
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
7,156
Oh gwad god where am I. My head. Oh my head.
Maybe if we taper real real slowly we wont have to be sober forever.💔😭💡
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
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Um officially sick now. Prolly onset diabetes.
Passed down through genetics.
Don't want to end up at the cardiologist.

I don't know what is worse. Depression or being a Fat Lazy Ass Loser these days.

My dog makes me smile allot. Her birthday is at the end of August.

I survived a painful headache yesterday. But just barely. Had to go to work and try to drive. That was interesting. The heat is dreadful.

Still trying to focus. Growing pains and forgetful brains.
 

Atelier3

Moderator: DC
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Cycling into depression - hit me last night and so hard to get out of bed today but I dragged myself out and forced myself to go to the gym and organise a personal trainer who’ll kick my ass if I don’t turn up or cancel a session at short notice. He doesn’t know it, but he’s a major member of Team Recovery.
 

chinup

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sorry to hear that @Atelier3 - did you go to the community rehab place to see whats what? well done for organising a personal trainer, exercise has really helped me. since i quit smoking i've started actually liking running. never thought that'd be the case. those little steps towards self care can have a disproportionate affect on your mood when you feel super low, can really help stop you spiralling downwards.

i got a call back from a company i applied to over a month ago, so i assumed that i was not successful. turns out they had loads of applicants so took a long time to sift through. i am amazingly proud of myself for even getting through the first step.

its a bit difficult though cos i'd have to move were i offered the job, and its a long ass recruitment process so realistically its unlikely, i applied cos my mate said it could be done remotely but from the chat i've had with them so far, it doesn't look like it. not only that, i'd have to move to like less than an hour away by train to Norwich, where i descended into my worst addiction phase. i'm worried i'd be risking my recovery for my career, but this would be too good an opportunity to pass up. conflicted.
 

chinup

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morning everyone, i am feeling deflated and exhausted. likely haven't got that job but its not 100% yet. hope is fucking painful when it fizzles out.
 

Atelier3

Moderator: DC
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I’ve been clean by choice from meth for 4 days now and am going through intense cravings. In that 4 days I even managed to sign up and go to the gym once (maybe still a bit buzzed when I did that). But today I feel totally spent and my cravings are through the roof. It’s about six hours until I could go to a gym class and I have intermediate options including taking a handful of antipsychotics and benzos to see if that chills me back down to a reasonable level of self-control, or taking a handful of Rx dexamfetamine to see if that cuts cravings but I think I’m craving a rush as much as a high. Just skimmed a 20 page government report on treating serious meth addiction - prognosis pretty fucking bleak unfortunately. Teetering on edge of depression - especially since brain totally not function and I can’t do work or read a book or even watch TV to distract myself. . Appointment with psych tomorrow. No idea what to tell him. Truth might be good but have long term consequences for ADD treatment which I’m not keen on.

Should I knock myself out? I know if I go get high, I will just be reposting this exactly same situation in another 4 days time.
 

chinup

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the prognosis for all addiction treatment is pretty fucking bleak. i'm realising what that really means as time goes on, maintaining recovery for any period is hard.

i know what you mean about brain not functioning, though i associate it with rattling, but its so boring when you can't sleep and you're too brain dead to even watch tv. good luck with the psych.

i'm having a bleurgh day.
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
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I was so proud of myself. I went for about 3 weeks without doing any drugs. The ones that are kindled threats anyway. They are the gaba and the mu and it is the zen.

And found no use for hydroxyzine or kratom.

Used allot of caffeine and sugar and also alcohol. and aspartame. too. it's another horrible horrible cycle.

And then I am using weed for comfort lol😁
and all the time also.

Today I broke down. I used xanax after about three weeks. I don't like side effects of it.
I just had so much anxiety that is also unhealthy agitation and hurting allot. Ohh. so xanax makes me awesome. 💗☺

I just don't think I can quit. I will eventually request a valium prescript. I am too strung out on this heavy stuff, yes so to speak. It's one thing to lose my mind but xan's make it completelyà disappear. It just hurts to think at times.

I still am going to work toward a healthy life style again.

Thank you everyone for trying to recover. With education and support, it is a great asset and opportunity to benefit from help and experience and just complete knowledge of facts.

Oh my ! Am having the nods already. 💓
oh
 

chinup

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well done @Hylight !!! 3 weeks is a huge amount of time, given your medical things it seems like aiming for complete abstinence would cause you a lot of problems, but being able to save stuff like xanax for when you really need it will mean it can do its job better at those times.

argh my mate who had never touched hard drugs before but started smoking crack every day over lockdown texted me at 6am saying she had had £100 robbed. its really hard to not just say 'i told you so.' i'm trying to be supportive but also keep my distance cos getting too involved will be bad for my recovery. its so fucking frustrating. i wish i could just lock her in a room until she actually takes some action to get herself into rehab. i feel really sad for her, the path she's on is nothing but pain until she gets clean or dies now.
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
7,156
well done @Hylight !!! 3 weeks is a huge amount of time, given your medical things it seems like aiming for complete abstinence would cause you a lot of problems, but being able to save stuff like xanax for when you really need it will mean it can do its job better at those times.

argh my mate who had never touched hard drugs before but started smoking crack every day over lockdown texted me at 6am saying she had had £100 robbed. its really hard to not just say 'i told you so.' i'm trying to be supportive but also keep my distance cos getting too involved will be bad for my recovery. its so fucking frustrating. i wish i could just lock her in a room until she actually takes some action to get herself into rehab. i feel really sad for her, the path she's on is nothing but pain until she gets clean or dies now.

 

Atelier3

Moderator: DC
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3 days since I finished 1.5g of meth in 18 hours. Managed nearly 2 days of sleep thanks to benzos and a new anti-depressant called agomelatine that works on melatonin receptors and delivers quality sleep. Have joined gym and got a personal trainer and forced myself to get out of the house and take a ferry ride to see some new art at the State Gallery - fresh air and a bit of culture thought to be healing!

Fully prepared to go to NA as last resort if/when cravings get to hard to manage but so far not feeling any (normally they hit me day 3/4 and get increasingly worse from there on in). Taking supersize doses of Rx dexamfetamine to ward them off (3 X 30 mg a day starting today). Not sure whether the NA people will lIke hearing that strategy though. Have also committed mentally to do In-patient rehab if I can’t get this under control over next month though not quite sure whether my bar is “moderation allowing work” or “total abstinence for life”. A little voice is telling me I can still get a grip but all the evidenced suggests not.
 

chinup

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@Atelier3 i honestly think NA can be invaluable, especially in the really early days, but part of that is the support network you get, which you need to sort out before cravings hit. so i'd hit a meeting ASAP.

my bar at the start was total abstinence for life, i've moved it to allowing myself 1-3 beers maybe twice a month, with either my parents or partner, as they wouldn't let me go score if i fucked my judgement up by drinking and allowed myself to. i think it removes a lot of complications and pitfalls if you start recovery with the intention to stop all drugs.

i had some good news this morning which has given me a bit of a boost.
 

Atelier3

Moderator: DC
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@Atelier3 i honestly think NA can be invaluable, especially in the really early days, but part of that is the support network you get, which you need to sort out before cravings hit. so i'd hit a meeting ASAP.

my bar at the start was total abstinence for life, i've moved it to allowing myself 1-3 beers maybe twice a month, with either my parents or partner, as they wouldn't let me go score if i fucked my judgement up by drinking and allowed myself to. i think it removes a lot of complications and pitfalls if you start recovery with the intention to stop all drugs.

i had some good news this morning which has given me a bit of a boost.
Was seconds away from busting tonight but went to NA instead. Was such a relief to get there. Glad to hear you are doing ok today too
 
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