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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷

chinup

Moderator: H&R
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waiting for HR to call as i had to email and request them to call- when you phone it just says to email them right now cos no one is in the office.

also found out my contract was extended by one month extra than i thought. ffffffuuuuuuucccccckkkkk. i guess its one month more to find a job but given i can barely face it as things stand i don't know how i'll do it. one day at a time i guess.
 

Rio Fantastic

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Joined
Feb 19, 2009
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1,575
Location
Birmingham
waiting for HR to call as i had to email and request them to call- when you phone it just says to email them right now cos no one is in the office.

also found out my contract was extended by one month extra than i thought. ffffffuuuuuuucccccckkkkk. i guess its one month more to find a job but given i can barely face it as things stand i don't know how i'll do it. one day at a time i guess.
is it just your boss that makes work so difficult or is it the job itself getting you down??

I hope you find something else soon. It seems like this is on your mind a lot and you deserve more than a job you hate!!
 

chinup

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yep, literally just my boss. the job itself is interesting and everyone else is nice. i wouldn't want to stay doing that work long term cos its difficult to improve when you're the only person with a particular set of skills in a team. plus i find it difficult to get to know people and with the turnover cos of my boss being an arsehole, you get to like someone then they go.
 

geekgrl

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Sep 10, 2016
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311
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North West UK
yep, literally just my boss. the job itself is interesting and everyone else is nice. i wouldn't want to stay doing that work long term cos its difficult to improve when you're the only person with a particular set of skills in a team. plus i find it difficult to get to know people and with the turnover cos of my boss being an arsehole, you get to like someone then they go.
You've got plenty to back your self up. Have u seen your GP / social worker / psychiatrist / any med professional that can back you up? The first time I went to my boss with sick note, he threw it back at me, telling me 'I didn't work in public sector' and to get back to work. I'm sure it won't be that bad!

There are processes in place to protect you, otherwise screw em and go off with mental health. Chances are you will get full pay in a decent company. Hopefully it won't get to that, you just might have to jump through a few hoops. Congrats on standing up for yourself, that's the first step. Good luck
 

Hylight

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Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
7,156
If someone can cover for you at work, then that could work out then, righ ?
 

chinup

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my therapist, whose known me since before i went to rehab cos i have the priviledge of actually being able to pay money, can back me up. HR didn't phone back.

my meeting with my boss went surprisingly well, i read out what i had written about how i felt. he says that having done things that are necessary (like renewing my contract and putting me on papers i put work into) should show he is pleased with my work and doesn't think he's been rude, but we were perfectly civil. i feel more able to work out the rest of my contract after just expressing how i felt and feeling listened to, even if he didn't agree with what i said, he obviously took it on board. fuck he actually softened. it was the first actually pleasant interacting, between two professionals, i've had with him in months.
 

Hylight

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Jan 4, 2019
Messages
7,156
just tired so tired, just resting. need to keep my heart pumping. still breathing.
depressed and very slow. how low.
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words, SLR
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Nov 3, 2008
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93,153
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Jianghan Qu, Wuhan Shi, Hubei Sheng, China
well i am not even pretending to try and work today. i woke up at 6, not my neighbours fault this time. got 1km into an attempted 5k run before just breaking down and crying, a few people in the park came to see if i was ok so i felt like a prat but it was nice to have some concern. i think the balance has tipped that not having a job can't be as bad as having this job, so i have decided not to try and renew my contract.
I hiked 15 miles two days ago

Still recovering. Awesome.
 

Psycho_Logic

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Jul 20, 2020
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Trying to find my self but unable so far.
Long time lurker/reader and a previous member. In January came off buprenorphine. During withdrawal had rough time and in a day of madness deleted all of my posts. Now back under new name.

I am starting off here because I think it is appropriate. Used all types of drugs for 20 years. Opioids sucked me in in last 6. 2 years of opioid pills, mostly morphine and oxycodone. Never H, or something that is not pharma grade (except kratom). Than went on methadone legally for 6 months. After methadone I have transitioned to buprenorphine and been on it for 3 years. As I said I have stopped buprenorphine in January and am now trying to slowly taper diazepam. I am currently at 25-30mg diazepam daily, trying to stabilize at 25. It is rough.

I have some chronic pain problems, which is why I went into opioid land in the first place. I am determined not to go back to taking opioids as my life is much better without them. Well, except those 3-5 days a month when pain is very bad...

My biggest problem is benzodiazepine dependence. More than 15 years I have been taking them. Never abusing them, but they are holding me very tightly nevertheless.

I am chronically anxious, have lots of fear, even terror, without any obvious reason. I want to quit diazepam as I do not get any benefits anymore, no matter how high the dose goes. Have tried every possible benzo, and when I was taking 6mg of clonazepam or 4mg of alprazolam I would just adapt to that dose and feel the same. There was a time when midazolam could not knock me out and I would go to work after taking 60-90mg midazolam (Dormicum, Roche) the night before, without being able to sleep even for a minute.

Because of those reasons I have decided that I have to stop benzodiazepines all together while I am relatively young (I am in my thirties). Easier said than done though.

I have support of my psychiatrists to take benzos for life, so I have legit script and time to taper. Really would like to be over sooner than later, but after all this years I can not afford to push it.

I do not know where I am regarding buprenorphine/opioid recovery, and to what extent anxiety, depression, insomnia, sensitivity etc., are still due to that.

I am unemployed and this corona pandemic is not helping with that. Just to add that I am from eastern Europe and English is not my native.

I hope to give some support and receive when necessary. My second go with bluelight begins. First try ended with me stopping opioids so it was fruitful. I would like to thank you all for that. I am sorry I acted immature when deleting all posts. As I said I was in a bad place cause of buprenorphine withdrawal.

That's all for my first post under new name. I have used this place for introduction. Sorry for not going to "new members", but I wanted to jump right into the section of the forum that feels right at the moment.

Wish you all a stable day. I have read many of your posts and have to tell you that you are strong and beautiful people. No matter what the personal differences you all have, one thing is common - you are strong, intelligent and kind warriors. Thank you for shinning your light so others can see that they are not alone <3
 

Hylight

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Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
7,156
i eon'tbeever be able to quit atthethis point

I will not ever be able to be to quit at this point ever.
Why doe's spell check do that. See. Brain Damage I suspect.
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
7,156
I have this feeling, like something is wrong with my brain.
And xanax makes me so high and I still can't remember little things. It's like an awake nod it's so weird.
I am going to research a taper look into it more and/ or at least try not to have black outs from it.
Omg. I am so tired. Maybe I am going to drop, stroke out or just stop all together. Maybe I am just really only really very very tired.
Anyway, looking forward to end of shifts and hopefully end of second wave at least. <3
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words, SLR
Staff member
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Nov 3, 2008
Messages
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Jianghan Qu, Wuhan Shi, Hubei Sheng, China
I have this feeling, like something is wrong with my brain.
And xanax makes me so high and I still can't remember little things. It's like an awake nod it's so weird.
I am going to research a taper look into it more and/ or at least try not to have black outs from it.
Omg. I am so tired. Maybe I am going to drop, stroke out or just stop all together. Maybe I am just really only really very very tired.
Anyway, looking forward to end of shifts and hopefully end of second wave at least. <3
Amnesia can be a side effect of alprazolam. It can feel like that.

It somehow helps me think clearer, and not just rumination/dissociation, or racing thoughts. I can imagine it doesn't work that way for everyone.
 

Hylight

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Jan 4, 2019
Messages
7,156
yes it helps that way but then i almost go swimming with stuff in my pockets but then i am so slow i remember. and God. I can't even remember eating at work this morning but somehow i did.

anyway, my heart was cramping for it again or i was just having heart cramps bad so i took it.

thanx. more please ! <3
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words, SLR
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
93,153
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Jianghan Qu, Wuhan Shi, Hubei Sheng, China
yes it helps that way but then i almost go swimming with stuff in my pockets but then i am so slow i remember. and God. I can't even remember eating at work this morning but somehow i did.

anyway, my heart was cramping for it again or i was just having heart cramps bad so i took it.

thanx. more please ! <3
I don't have any benzo medication right now and it's quite difficult. I've had a recurrence of almost all symptoms and they're not going away.
 

Hylight

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Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
7,156
I don't have any benzo medication right now and it's quite difficult. I've had a recurrence of almost all symptoms and they're not going away.
sometimes i just want to drift away for twelve hours. but i'm already tired.

i would be terrified to run out !!

valium will help me too.

so it can get me through.

just one is a trip, to the moon.

but valium can be my hope.

but i have some long ago memory left
of way less pain.

short term memory and xan amnesia for sure.
 

chinup

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hey @Psycho_Logic thanks for the intro! how are you today? i think you are right not to want to stay on benzos even if the psych says you can have them for life, that would never be allowed in the UK and tbh i'm v grateful. they aren't helping you to deal with your problems and are stunting your emotional development.

i'm also soon facing unemployment during this pandemic and its stressful as fuck, i don't envy you. it does mean you have some time to work on yourself, your physical and mental health. are you exercising, eating well, meditating, sleeping enough?

i'm a little bettter today. spoke to HR and they were supportive.
 

Psycho_Logic

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Joined
Jul 20, 2020
Messages
119
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Trying to find my self but unable so far.
Thank you for asking @chinup :)

I am exercising, eating healthy and meditating. Sleep is another issue. I have been having problems with sleeping since I can remember. After stopping buprenorphine sleep is my biggest issue. I get in to cycle "can't sleep -> more pain -> cause of pain sleep even worse -> even more pain...". I would get my sleeping checked up but the whole medical system in my country is "on hold".

It seems that I have succeeded to stabilize on 25mg of diazepam, as I have forgoten to take last 5mg just before sleep yesterday. I don't even know anymore how I am feeling. I can tell I am depressed, on edge, sensitive, can't get joy out of things and activities that I used to and should. I also have some vision issues, like blurred vision, halos, tracers and so on. Plus tinitus is ringing strong. But to be honest, I am accustomed to this feelings and bodily states so I am not freaking out.

I just have to remind myself to go slow with the reductions (lesson that I have finally mastered while tapering buprenorphine) and to resist medications that my psychiatrists wants to help me with. Like pregabalin and trazodone. I have tried both, and pregabalin helped during opioid withdrawal, but it it is not worth it in the long run as it makes me feel very tired, can't concentrate, gain weight and plus it has it's own withdrawal. Trazodone hasn't done anything good for me so I am not even tempted to take it. In fact, I am trying to stabilize on diazepam only, without any other substances, legal or illegal. That is the only way I will ever rewire my brain to the state that will enable me to live a healthy and sustainable life in the long term.

So I am kind off a mess. Crossing the unknown road between my former way of living into my new life that is not yet built. I am aware that that chaos is not permanent if I don't make it, so I am kind of at peace in the storm. Strange feeling.

Have been reading your posts about the troubles you have with boss on work. I am glad that your situation at work is getting better. I hope it turns around and you find a job that you like and are properly appreciated. I know the pain of not being appreciated and having a psycho boss. It drove me mad. I am cheering for you!

Have a stable day everybody!
 
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