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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷

chinup

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^ you're unlikely to have caused brain damage with a 3 day phet binge. you're right that its probably not MDMA cos that has swiftly diminishing returns in redosing after you've initially come up so its not really worth doing 3 days continuously.

i am absolutely low. everything is black. submitting an application to a job i actually want (the first posting i've found since lockdown) has brought my employment situation to the front of my mind. it feels intolerable. i am so fucking scared. after i lost my job when i was using i always felt so sad about my wasted potential. what is the fucking point of potential if you are unable to use it? i feel hopeless. i am supposed to have these amazing skills that are in high demand and am stuck with an abusive boss who is destroying my mental health. i've tolerated this situation for 6 months but made no progress to resolving it in that time, mostly cos the pandemic has fucked the job market. likely wont recover before the brexit cliff. i feel like i'm probably gonna die a junkie and i don't care, i don't even want to use but it sorta feels inevitable when there's no other options.

i've contacted my therapist to ask for an extra session, and the ladies at the buddhist centre, who i'm going to call this afternoon. right now i'm going to just knock myself out. i tried to go for a run but couldn't stop crying and my head started hurting. i have a tiny fast supply of benzos left over from before i went to rehab, think i might cave and try and get some more cos i'm just fed up and i don't know what to do.

i will reply to pms and check other threads when my head is in a better place. hope everone else is having a better day than me.
 

Captain.Heroin

Suicide Obsession
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Hey guys I hope you are all good because I'm not , so I thought I was doing MDMA for 3 days straight but upon further research of how MDMA should treat you I realized it wasn't it and I suspect it was speed or something close to speed.

The high I felt from the drug was more of a attentive to my environment type of high and I was energetic but not to the point of not being able to sit down or my thoughts were all over I just felt like I was in control and I was talkative but like I felt like whatever I said made sense.

I didn't feel the euphoria or visuals or the enjoyment of music that one would get if they did MDMA which is why I think I did something that's close to speed.

It was my first time doing anything related to druga either than weed and alcohol and cigarettes hence why I did a 3 day binge with no research at all.

I now have massive heart palpitations and I'm emotionless I feel nothing and have no excitement towards anything I feel empty and I'm slow I often times day dream a lot and I feel like I'm going crazy I think I might've caused brain damage. What's the best treatment option if you have done a 3 day amphetamines binge ?
Some people report long-term sadness/depression from MDMA use, I wouldn't worry though this is uncommon.

3 days is not going to be significantly detrimental; if you kept doing that on and off, it wouldn't be that great.

Try to avoid amphetamines (specifically MD_). You might have been doing MDA (much longer oral duration; similar feeling/effects)
 

Captain.Heroin

Suicide Obsession
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Messages
94,174
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Harvard University
^ you're unlikely to have caused brain damage with a 3 day phet binge. you're right that its probably not MDMA cos that has swiftly diminishing returns in redosing after you've initially come up so its not really worth doing 3 days continuously.

i am absolutely low. everything is black. submitting an application to a job i actually want (the first posting i've found since lockdown) has brought my employment situation to the front of my mind. it feels intolerable. i am so fucking scared. after i lost my job when i was using i always felt so sad about my wasted potential. what is the fucking point of potential if you are unable to use it? i feel hopeless. i am supposed to have these amazing skills that are in high demand and am stuck with an abusive boss who is destroying my mental health. i've tolerated this situation for 6 months but made no progress to resolving it in that time, mostly cos the pandemic has fucked the job market. likely wont recover before the brexit cliff. i feel like i'm probably gonna die a junkie and i don't care, i don't even want to use but it sorta feels inevitable when there's no other options.

i've contacted my therapist to ask for an extra session, and the ladies at the buddhist centre, who i'm going to call this afternoon. right now i'm going to just knock myself out. i tried to go for a run but couldn't stop crying and my head started hurting. i have a tiny fast supply of benzos left over from before i went to rehab, think i might cave and try and get some more cos i'm just fed up and i don't know what to do.

i will reply to pms and check other threads when my head is in a better place. hope everone else is having a better day than me.
I started cheering up yesterday <3

I hope you feel better soon - it will get better!
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
8,419
a whole week without xanax.

i don't know what i am going to take now.

i can't drink anymore.

the smell 😮
 

Hylight

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Jan 4, 2019
Messages
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it's been about over 1o days without a xanax. I am still depressed. I can barely focus on doing just one thing.

The smoke is in the air too.
My wrist hurts so bad. But I guess I will be alright.

The smoke in the air probably would be bad for riding a bike anyway. 🔥

The water has been great therapy and has been helping so much. 🌊
 

chinup

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well done on laying off the xanax hylight, that is a massive achievemnt. i would fucking kill for just about any benzo right now.

i nearly scored earlier. my partner-ish has gone back to his cos he's back in the office and i saw people scoring on my first outing with nobody to come home to (there's no way i coulda used around him). i thought lockdown had knocked that on the head, but it turned out that as soon as i am left to my own devices my head goes straight there. only when i'm in a place where i can easily score thoguh, not while i'm at home.

so fucking low. was feeling like i'd achieved something at my job then my boss who has no idea what i actually do just tore everything i'd done to pieces in front of the whole group. he always puts me on the spot in a way that makes me freeze so i forget why what he's saying doesn't work, and then as soon as the meeting is over i check it and its obvious. urgh i'm fucking crying.
 

chinup

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also i'm exhausted cos i got woken up at 5am by the neighbour playng some sort of pop boyband song on repeat. they then proceeded to have the same song on repeat at a similar volume most of the afternoon.
 

Hylight

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Jan 4, 2019
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omg i just took a xan. it's been two whole weeks with no xan. i had to do it. i couldn't take it any more.
i only took a half but it felt soo relieving i wanted to take more. so far not though. i could feel it kicking o god.
i could cry because it was so unreal that i made it two weeks. i ate a small half and the other part crumbled and a piece went on the floor. eww so i threw it in the garbage.
if that was an opioid i would have dove right in the garbage to get it back out.
i am going to try low doses as soon as i get riding and moving again.
need 'shrooms 😁
omg the f'n relief. o.f ! ya. ♡
 

Hylight

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i coyldn't function

the pain was too unbearable

weird but honestly painful 🙂

thank you for your role model presence inspiration and for being here ♡ really
 

Hylight

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Jan 4, 2019
Messages
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i did hate the short fused anger; unmanaged.

and anxiety leading up to crankiness and no tolerance. whoa. 😮

but i am learning. it's not pain medication, but it helps.

i still have quite a bit of paws left from quitting pain medication a year and a half now.

just one little bout with taking a few hydrocodone and dealing with an episode a while back of cluster headache pain and agony too.
 

chinup

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well i am not even pretending to try and work today. i woke up at 6, not my neighbours fault this time. got 1km into an attempted 5k run before just breaking down and crying, a few people in the park came to see if i was ok so i felt like a prat but it was nice to have some concern. i think the balance has tipped that not having a job can't be as bad as having this job, so i have decided not to try and renew my contract.
 

geekgrl

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well i am not even pretending to try and work today. i woke up at 6, not my neighbours fault this time. got 1km into an attempted 5k run before just breaking down and crying, a few people in the park came to see if i was ok so i felt like a prat but it was nice to have some concern. i think the balance has tipped that not having a job can't be as bad as having this job, so i have decided not to try and renew my contract.

It's really hard when you work with / for someone who messes with your head. Sounds like you've made your decision there, though. How long do you have to tough it out? There's always the sick leave option. Hoping you stay strong and get through this (and lots of kitty cuddles) xx
 

Hylight

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my wrists hurt from lifting weights incorrect too excessive and working too hard outdoors.

i hope i heal someday.

it hurts allot @chinup, but you are doing it. it's up to you and you got back up. i am sorry that you cried but it does pass. stay strong, i pray. <3
 

chinup

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(and lots of kitty cuddles)
i have a wolfcat in my armpit right now, he hasn't done this since he was a tiny baby!!!

@Hylight you are right, it did pass, i slept better last night and saw a friend yesterday evening and both helped. be careful with the weightlifting, get some advice if you can, otherwise you can do yourself in.
 

chinup

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aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i requested my leave for a trip booked last year and my boss is being an arse about it. nearly crying again.
 

Hylight

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aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i requested my leave for a trip booked last year and my boss is being an arse about it. nearly crying again.
i know, you just about have to be insane to be a boss. At least most of them anyway. They take you down from the knees. It's so fckn . . . . you have to work around them, or try. f'ing horrible.

only when I use medicine do I deal. . . but it is bad and meds do help. Sorry ! I really am <3
 

geekgrl

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aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i requested my leave for a trip booked last year and my boss is being an arse about it. nearly crying again.
I'd honestly go above him and start getting some complaints and / or going off sick due to the effect on ypur mental health. Or tribunal his ass, although that can be hard too (been there done that). If you work in a large organisation take it to occupational health.
 

chinup

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Yes, I'm phoning HR today, and I am going to make it clear to them that the situation I'm trying to avoid is me going off sick for the rest of my contract. i also went through some stuff i want to say to him in my meeting with him later, which i'm dreading but i need to stand up for myself. i can't have another man abuse me, get rid of me, and go on like nothing happened, it has too many echoes.
 
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